Lost Letters

Title: Lost Letters

Author: Jennifer

Copyright (c) 2002 - 2003 by Jennifer Johnson

Distribution: If you would like to archive this somewhere, please ask my permission first!

Feedback: jennpurr@yahoo.com or willowtaralove@netzero.com Please, give me feedback. Good or bad. Feel free to tell me what you think. Or just post it here.

Disclaimers: All characters belong to Joss Whedon/Mutant Enemy/UPN/FOX and whoever else owns the rights. This is solely for my entertainment. Please do not copyright this story. All original characters belong to me.

F/F romance: If the idea and depiction of a same sex relationship bothers you, please do not read this story.

Pairings: W/T eventually, X, B

Spoilers: None

Summary: Someone in Willow's family has died and she discovers a painful secret.

Rating: PG to NC-17. This part is PG

Angst Level: 10+ (Get the Kleenex ready; you will probably, most definitely need them. This isn't pretty. )

My Thanks: To Danie. Thanks for being my beta/friend and for helping me out with all the suggestions. You truly are gifted for writing. I hope you continue to do so. And D, don't forget the catnip.

Dedication: To all the W/T fans. May we always keep Tara alive in our hearts.

Author's Notes: The timeline of this fic takes place 8 years after Tara left Willow in, "Tabula Rasa." She left Sunnydale and moved to LA. They have not spoken since that time. Willow moved out of Buffy's house and in with her parents until she graduated from College. Now, she her her own house and owns her own business.

Story Note: Guys, this is very angsty, but if you will hang in there through the whole story, I promise you it will be well worth it. If I make anyone cry, I am very sorry. I cried myself while writing this, but it was a necessary scene for the story. Again, I'm sorry for the angst. Hang in there.



FIC: Lost Letters
By: Jennifer



She lifted the white rose to her nose and inhaled the sweet fragrance. Taking in a deep breath, the rose lowered and she placed in on top of the casket, saying a final goodbye.

Wiping the shed tears from her cheeks, Willow turned from the casket and stepped away, back over to her friend who was waiting patiently for her.

Xander put his arm around her shoulders and squeezed her close, as they walked towards the car to leave the cemetery.

"How you holding up, Will?" he asked, in a gentle voice.

"I'm okay. I feel upset that she's gone, but I'm not all broken over it. Does that make me a bad person? I should be all heart achy and..."

"Willow," the carpenter said softly, stopping his friend's worry. Their walk to the car had also paused as he turned her towards him and looked in her eyes. "You're not a bad person. I think it's cause your relationship with her wasn't very close, that's why the grief isn't very bad. You're upset, as you should be. She WAS your mom."

Squeezing her shoulder, he smiled at her gingerly. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

"I know and I-I'm not trying to be. It's just... I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't think about it so much," she decided finally.

Closing the distance between them, Xander pulled her into a strong embrace. Running his fingers through the hair by her neck, he kissed her cheek.

Willow hugged him back and was thankful to have him there for her. His sut ant and presence was soothing, even if she didn't feel that she had been broken up enough by her mother's death.

"You ready to go?" He asked, when they pulled away from the embrace.

"Yeah. Buffy said she'd be waiting for us back at the house."

When they reached the car, Xander held the door open for the redhead and she got in the passenger side. He then walked to his side, climbed in and started the car.

"Do you want me to help you go through your mom's stuff or is Buffy gonna help you?" He asked, as he started to drive.

"She said she would help, but I don't know if I can do that today. I'll have to see later. Thanks, though." The redhead's tone was grateful.

Xander just nodded his head and smiled at her, tenderly. Pulling his attention back to the road, taking them away from the cemetery.

*****

Willow started to feel relaxed, as people finally started to leave. The gathering at her parent's house after the funeral was nice, but she had begun to feel a little overwhelmed. She wanted some space.

Her father was talking to the Rabbi at the front door. He had been very kind to her, offering words of comfort and faith. Rabbi Tudor had been a welcome distraction from Willow's Aunt, her mother's sister, since all she wanted to discuss with the redhead was which belonging's she could take with her.

This was something the hacker never understood. When family members die, why was that always the first priority with people? They should be worrying about how others were holding up, not what they could get their hands on or what was left behind for them in the Will.

Willow had finally told the older woman, in not so many words, to buzz off. She didn't want to think about this right now. What she really wanted to do was go up to her room and just lay on her bed and rest. Somehow, she knew that wasn't going to happen.


Lifting her head off the back of the couch, the redhead turned to Buffy, who was seated next to her and whispered in her ear. "Wanna go up to the attic with me? I wanna look for something."

"Sure," the blonde answered, happily. She had started to feel a little overwhelmed herself. After Xander had left, when he had been paged by work and had to go in, that just left her and Willow there.

"Come on," the hacker said, pulling on the Slayer's arm and getting up. They stopped when they walby tby the front door to go the other side of the house. "Dad, Buffy and I are going upstairs."

"Okay, hon." He kissed her forehead and then gave her a hug before she turned to go.

*****

"Uh, Will... what exactly are we looking for?" Buffy asked from her side of the room. She watched as the other girl rummaged through a box, searching for something.

Willow looked up from the box and blew some hair away that was tickling her nose. "A necklace," she said, before turning her attention back to the box.

"A necklace?" the slayer asked, curiously.

"Yeah. It was..." she paused to look up at her friend. "Tara... she gave it to me before she left." Her features took on a sad appearance and she frowned. "I, I left it here on accident before I moved out."

Buffy moved over and sat next to the hacker on the couch she was occupying. "You don't have to explain," she smiled.

Sitting up, Willow leaned back and sighed. "I just...I can't stop thinking about her, Buffy. I try, but... my heart won't let me."

The blonde sat back and touched her shoulder against the other girl's. "Will... she'll always be a part of you," she said, looking into her eyes. "I miss her at times, too. What it's like for you, I can't even begin to imagine."

"... But, shouldn't I be worried? I haven't even been able to have another relationship since she left. I mean; you've seen how it is. A girl likes me, we go out and then it's over. Just like that," Willow sighed and looked down at her hands in her lap.

"Well, you..." Buffy paused and then continued when she met the green eyes of her friend. "They're not Tara?" she raised her eyebrow in question.

Looking down again, the redhead nodded. "Subconsciously, I think I look for her in them. When I realize I'm not gonna find her, that's when I can't do it anymore. It's just..." her voice began to crack. "I hate this, Buffy. I miss her so much. You'd think after 8 years, the pain wouldn't be so bad, but... it's almost worse."

"I know and I understand, but..." The Slayer stopped talking and looked down at the floor.

"...But what?" Willow asked, so she would continue.

Looking back over at her, Buffy spoke. "You have to move on, Will. Tara's gone, there's nothing you can do to change that."

Getting up suddenly, the redhead looked down at her friend, her features hard. "Move on? And how the frilly heck am I supposed to do that, huh? I've tried... goddess, I've tried. You've seen the aftermath of that; so don't act like I haven't been trying. Tara was the most important thing in my life, Buffy." She stopped her rant to catch her breath. "I can't believe you said that to me."

Turning away, she walked over to the window. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at the white clouds in the sky.

The Slayer flinched at the other girl's words. The hacker had never used that tone with her and she felt very, VERY small at the moment. Closing her eyes, she blew out a deep breath and stood up. Making tentative steps towards the window, she spoke softly. "I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean it like that. I know you've tried to move on, Will and part of me understands why you can't."

Turning her body sideways, Willow kept her eyes averted, but listened to what Buffy had to say.

"To be honest, I... worry... about you," the blonde finally admitted.

"You worry about me?" This time, the hacker looked Buffy in the eyes. "Why?"

"You're family, Will; I can't not worry about you." Taking another step towards her, she tentatively reached out and squeezed her arm. "I love you, you're my best friend. I just want you to be happy."

Nodding, Willow let her know that she understood. "I was once."

"And you will be again." Dipping her head and tilting it somewhat, she asked, "Right?"

Tears started to pool in the redhead's eyes and she shrugged. "I don't know."

When she noticed her bottom lip start to quiver, Buffy pulled her friend into a hug. The blonde felt the other girl squeezing her and she held on with all that she had. "Shhh... it's okay," she whispered.

"W-why?" the hacker stammered the one word.

"I can't answer that. Life just sucks sometimes, but you keep going. That's what you have to do." She felt Willow nod into her shoulder and she rubbed her hand up and down her back, comfortingly before pulling away. Bringing her hands up, she cupped her face in her palms and wiped the tears off the other girl's cheeks with her thumbs and smiled gently.

"You wanna keep looking?" Buffy asked after a moment of silence.

"Yeah." Running her hands through her hair, Willow stepped around her friend and finished looking through the box she had been before.

Sitting on the floor close to the couch, the blonde pulled a box towards her and opened it up. "What does the necklace look like, Will?" She scrunched up her nose at the somewhat musty smell of the box's contents.

The redhead smiled as she pictured the jewelry in her mind. "It's a gold locket, shaped like a heart. On the front it has the word, Always, etched into it. There's a picture of Tara and me inside." She shivered, as she thought back to when Tara had given it to her.


Tara stood by the door to the bedroom; her things packed in suitcases and boxes, sitting in the hallway by the stairs. All that was left to do was actually say goodbye and then she would leave. Saying goodbye, however, was something she never thought she would do and she didn't want to.

As she stared at Willow's bowed head, as she sat hunched over on the bed, crying, her own tears flowed down her cheeks. This was going to be the hardest thing she would ever have to do in her lifetime.

Approaching the bed, she stopped in front of her girlfriend and saved herself for the words she would have to say to her now.

"Willow...I'm ready to go." Lifting her right hand, she intertwined her fingers into the redhead's hair. Kneeling down on her knees, she lifted her other hand to the other girl's face, cupping her cheek.

"I'm so sorry, Tara. Please don't go. Please!" Willow's voice pleaded to the blonde. Her brain understood why this was happening, but her heart was having a harder time accepting it.

When her lover lifted her face and she saw the flood of tears flowing from her eyes, her damn burst open and flowed from her tear ducts. "I have to go. I can't stay, you know that."

Willow buried her face in Tara's neck and grabbed on-to her waist and squeezed her as tight as she could.

The blonde witch froze and remained motionless for a brief moment, willing her body not to give in and to just get up and leave, but she couldn't deny her heart that. Her lover was in pain and so was she. It was something the redhead brought onto herself, but it still hurt to see the other girl in this state.

Going against her better judgment, she embraced the hacker and held her close.

They cried together, releasing all the pain and sorrow that they both were feeling. They didn't want this to be goodbye, but it was inevitable.

Tara had to force herself to let go of the embrace and pull away, but she didn't completely pull away. Cupping the other girls face with her hands, their eyes met. "Do you know why I'm leaving?" she asked.

Willow nodded, as her tears continued to fall.

"I don't want to leave you, but I can't be with you right now. I don't know what's going to happen. Right now this is something I h-have to do."

"I know. I l-love you, Tara." The hacker's voice stammered a bit, as her tears started to fall harder. Her body was trembling and she was suddenly, very cold.

"I do love you, Willow. Always." Taking her right hand from her face, she brought it down and pushed it into her pants pocket, bringing something back out with it. "Here. Keep this and no matter what, I'll always be with you."

Her shaking hand brought the necklace into view and she held it to where, Willow could see it. Pressing it forward, she held it over the other girl's heart.

"Where...are you going?" the redhead asked through her, somewhat labored breathing.

"LA," was all that the blonde offered.

"Will I... ever see you again?" she begged.

"I-I don't know, but... I'll always be with you, Willow. Always." Tara tried to stand. If she was going to leave, she needed to do it now. Staying any longer might change her mind and that was something that couldn't happen.

"Please," Willow grabbed her face and pulled their lips together. Pressing her mouth hard against Tara's, she held her as close as she possibly could as her tears continued to fall down her face.

The blonde witch started to cry and took the other girl's face into her hands again. She didn't want to let go, but regretfully, she did. Pulling away, she pressed their foreheads together. "Goodbye, Willow."

Pushing herself up on her lover's knees, she stood and looked down at the redhead, who would not lift her head. She just continued to sob, the force of her sorrow, shaking her whole body.

Before she turned to go, she cupped Willow's chin in her hand and lifted her face. Bending down, she gave her one last lingering kiss and pressed the necklace into the girl's hand.

Closing her fingers around the cold metal, the hacker squeezed it.

Ending the kiss, Tara pulled away and turned to go. She heard a strangled whisper as she reached the door.

"Tara, I love you."

"Always, Willow," she responded and walked out of the room.


"Will?!" Buffy practically screamed. She had called her friend's name 5 times now and still no response. Willow had just sat there staring into space.

Finally, the redhead snapped out of her daze and when she did, tears started to fall down her face. "Buffy, I'm sorry. I have to go, but I'll be back in a minute."

Pushing herself up off the couch, Willow hurriedly left the attic and went down the stairs as fast as she could.


The Slayer sat there confused. She was torn. Should she go and check on the other girl or just keep looking for the necklace and give the other girl the time she needed?

She decided on the latter and continued to search through boxes.

*****

"Last box, Will." Buffy said, as she pulled the tape back and opened the flaps of cardboard.

The hacker stretched her back, pushing her arms up over her back and rotating her head around in a circle.

Opening her eyes, she was about to look back down and see what her friend had discovered hidden in the last box, but something shiny caught her eye on the bookshelf across the room.

Standing slowly, she walked over to the shelf and took in a sharp breath. It was her necklace. Picking it up, she ran her thumb over the word, Always and half smiled. "I found it Buffy!" she said excitedly.

Getting no response back, she turned around to see what the blonde was doing.

There Buffy sat, on the floor, staring into the open parcel. Her mouth was agape and her features held confusion.

"What is it?" Willow asked, as she walked over to see what her friend was looking at.

Looking up, the Slayer met the other girl's eyes. "Letters... from, Tara."

*****


TBC...