She Sends Kisses

 

 

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Part Nine: Fading

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Time is never time at all

You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth

And our lives are forever changed

We will never be the same

The more you change, the less you feel.

- Smashing Pumpkins, 'Tonight Tonight'

 

Let's get one thing straight.

Slayer is not synonymous with killer. We're here to protect people, not murder them. The fact that what happened with Katrina was an accident doesn't make her any less dead. Because of me. Her entire life, her future, her past, everything she ever was and ever would have been--gone.

I deserve this. I deserve every minute of this, every little bit of misery and awfulness this place has to offer. And trust me, it has a lot to offer. I deserve justice. Punishment.

But sticking me in a cell with Faith of all people isn't just a punishment. It's a nightmare. She is everything I hate in a human being. More specifically, she's everything I hate about myself.

Not that I don't deserve to have to spend every day staring at my reflection in her eyes. Knowing that we're equal. Doesn't matter what I say to her, we both know we're on even ground now. My hands are just as dirty as hers, and I hate it. I hate that this is what I've become. I hate my friends for bringing me back, and I hate that everything has gone so wrong since I clawed my way out of my own grave. I hate that *I've* gone so wrong.

I hate that I hate so much, because I never used to.

My first morning here wasn't so bad. Knocked Faith down a peg or two, made it through my shower with minimal groping and punching from the other inmates, and had my bacon swiped right off my plate at breakfast.

Could be worse. I kind of wish it was. I might feel better about being in here if it was more miserable for me. But then, if being miserable is the point, maybe it's better it's not worse, because that would make me feel better?

My convoluted thoughts make me think of Willow, and despite how angry I am with her, my heart suddenly lurches in my chest and it hits me how much I really miss them. Willow and Xander, Dawn and Giles..

God, Giles. He must be so disappointed in me. He must hate me, must think he failed me as a Watcher and hate himself for it. I wish I could call him, tell him that it's not his fault, that he can't shoulder my mistakes anymore.

I wish I could tell him how much I love him.

I wish I could tell Dawn how sorry I am.

"Are you gonna use that or just sit there with your thumb up your ass all day?" someone snaps in my ear.

I shake my head a little and realize I've been leaning against the exercise bike this whole time, lost in thought.

"No?" the girl leans closer. Her breath smells like Fritos and it makes me want to puke. I move away a little, but she shoves me hard anyway. "Then get out of the way, meat."

I feel every muscle in my body go tense, but I take a deep breath and force myself to turn around and walk away, reminding myself with every step that I have it coming. That I don't get to defend myself, that everything that happens from now on is my fault.

I look up, and Faith is paused mid-pullup on an exposed pipe, watching me curiously. Her face softens and sympathy washes over it, like she knows exactly what I was thinking, and it pisses me off. I harden myself as fast as I can, glaring back at her.

She slowly starts moving again, pulling her knees to her chest as she goes up and down, and I walk past her quickly, trying to ignore the disappointment on her face.