Don't Go

“What are you doing?” Tara questions curiously, rubbing the sleep from her eyes as she looks at Buffy who’s blushing darkly.

“Nothin’.” Buffy purses her lips and shifts her hand from where she’d been trying to push Tara’s shirt up to see if there are any piercings. Not having a chance the last couple weeks to look when she remembered. Between Tara’s busy school schedule then more often than not, going out with her on patrol they’d kept busy. Having been keeping up on the house, laundry and even working out in the yard to keep busy while everyone went to school, they had settled into a comfortable way of doing things that made Buffy feel a little more settled, though the anger and pain makes an appearance, but not to the degree it had been.

Tara quirks her eyebrow at the slayer, before covering her mouth as she yawns. Knowing Buffy was up to something, she tries to remember what the slayer was doing before she’d woken up. Shaking her head slightly and rubbing her eyes again, she looks down and sees the covers somewhat shifted down and her shirt askew more than it normally is. Fighting the smile that’s trying to come to her lips, she looks at an all too innocent looking slayer. Tapping Buffy on the nose, she chuckles as Buffy blushes again. “Intimately and doctors only.” Tara laughs and rolls out of the bed, heading towards the dresser to get clothes to wear after she showers and gets ready for her classes.

Buffy grumbles quietly, her eyes following Tara surprised as she thinks that it’s been a month since Tara had almost moved out. Willow was spending more and more time at her parents’ house than here with them. Though most of her items were still here, she’d only taken part of them back home.

Sighing quietly as Tara heads towards the bathroom with a quick smile towards her, Buffy rolls over onto the Wiccan’s side of the bed, burying her face in her pillow. Getting to know Tara was a surprisingly enlightening experience. Never realizing how deeply Tara felt for friends and family until all this had happened. How hard it was for Tara to leave her father and brother, even though it was absolutely the best thing for her to do. Feeling the anger trying to surface as she remembers Tara explaining what her home life was like, and the mental and physical abuse she’d gone though with her father and brother. Really wishing she had a second chance with the two men, knowing she’d probably either knock some sense into them, or knock them completely out for the shit they had pulled. Taking one more deep inhale of the Wiccan’s scent, Buffy rolls out of the bed and makes it quickly.

“It’s still okay for me to go to Kelsey’s house after school today and spend the weekend, right?” Dawn questions as she hurries towards the stairs, stopping to glance into Buffy’s room as her sister gathers her clothes.

“Yes it is. But if you have any homework this weekend, you have to do it.” Buffy reminds Dawn quickly, smiling a little bit at her sister, thankful that Dawn had relaxed somewhat, knowing Tara had spoken with her multiple times and was trying to straighten her out with some of the shit she’d been pulling.

Dawn rolls her eyes, but nods her head in acceptance. “I will. I have my clothes in here.” Dawn holds up the gym bag and grins before turning away. “I’ll probably just have a bowl of cereal this morning.”

“Be good.” Buffy calls out after Dawn as the teen pounds down the stairs, groaning at what sounds like a herd of elephants. Hearing the water shut off to the shower, Buffy grins wickedly and hurries across the hallway. Gently trying to open the door, she pouts as she realizes it’s locked. “Damn. Never gonna get to see.”

“See what?” Willow hurries out of the bedroom towards the bathroom. “I really need to go to the bathroom. Can I sneak in before you?”

“Yeah. Tara’s in there though.” Buffy admits, pointing to the door. Looking at Willow, noticing she’s already dressed and ready to go, Buffy frowns as she swears that she doesn’t have a class this early. “Where are you heading to this early?”

“I have to meet someone and we’re going out of town for the weekend.” Willow admits, shifting nervously from foot to foot. Not having told Buffy or Tara about the fact that Giles had contacted a Coven just outside of LA for her and Amy to visit. Wanting to check it out this weekend, along with the woman in charge there being able to talk and discuss a plan of action to hopefully help her and Amy both. Knowing that the magic is still calling to her strongly, making it hard for her not to give in to the dark magic. Thankful Amy had finally talked with her father, and even got her license renewed, along with her father giving her a nice used vehicle. He’d been ecstatic when she’d come back and was literally doting on her.

Buffy narrows her gaze on her nervous friend before nodding her head. Tara having told her that as far as she could tell, that Willow hasn’t done any magic whatsoever in a few weeks. Honestly believing the last spell the redhead had done was to transform Amy back to her human form. Willow still not having told them that Amy was back, Buffy finally questions her softly. “I assume you and Amy are going somewhere together?”

Willow pales and places a hand against the wall as she stares at Buffy. “How did you know?”

“She’s been gone not long after the big problems here, Willow. Tara noticed it right off the bat and told me that you probably were able to change her back.” Buffy explains quietly, her eyes searching worried green eyes. “Tara’s also aware of the fact that you’ve been good about not doing any magic.”

“I haven’t.” Willow whispers, crossing her arms over her chest, nervous as she realizes Buffy and Tara know more of what’s going on than she was aware of, though they hadn’t really talked since she’d done the spell on Tara, along with the ultimatum from Buffy. “How are you two?” Willow finally questions.

Buffy shrugs and grins slightly. “I never realized Tara had such a good sense of humor, or how caring of a person she is.”

“She is.” Willow agrees nodding her head up and down repeatedly, her eyes going to the closed door and the dryer they can hear running. “Can I speak to her today, before I leave, or…” Willow looks nervously at Buffy.

Buffy sighs quietly and looks down at the ground. “It’s up to her, Willow. I’ll leave it Tara’s decision, but if you do anything to harm her in any way, you’ll be answering to me.” Buffy explains softly, her tone serious. “She’s been through enough in her life without you adding to it.”

Willow swallows hard and nods her head. “She explained to you…?”

“Yeah, she told me about her family life, Wills.” Buffy runs a hand through her hair, fighting the anger again that’s wanting to rise within her. “I have to ask… How in the hell could you do the spells on her, Willow? She’s the most kind, unassuming, caring and loving person I have ever known. What did she do to deserve you doing that to her?”

Willow’s lip trembles and her eyes fill with tears as she looks at Buffy. “Nothing, Buffy. She did nothing.” Willow finally admits, wiping the tears that started falling from her cheeks. “I didn’t like the fact that she was mad at me, and not liking the amount of magic I was doing, so I figured I’d fix it. I didn’t want to notice that everything she said was the truth, and I was getting deeper and deeper into the dark magics.” Willow sighs quietly, her eyes turning to the door once more before looking at Buffy. “Did I screw up beyond all hope?”

Buffy clenches her jaws and looks away from Willow. Knowing what she wants the answer to be, but also knowing that she has no say in what Tara decides. Tara having made the comment a few weeks ago that things were pretty much over between her and Willow, but not knowing if it was just a gut reaction, or if Tara might have changed her mind. “You’ll have to ask Tara, Willow. She’s the only one that can truthfully answer that question.” Buffy waves to the door before turning around. “I’ll wait and hit the bathroom later. Tara will probably be out in a couple more minutes.”

Willow watches Buffy head into her bedroom, the door shutting with a quiet click behind her, silently wondering again if there’s anything going on between Buffy and Tara.

***

Tara sighs quietly as she hears the quiet murmurings of Buffy and Willow outside the door, along with Buffy’s emotions flitting between anger, sadness and worry. Finishing drying her hair, she brushes it out and pulls on her clothes, surprised to see Willow nervously standing outside the door. Nodding to the redhead, she starts to ease by her when she’s surprised at the feel of a tentative hand on her forearm. Looking warily into green eyes, Tara waits for Willow to say something.

“Can we talk in a few minutes?” Willow finally questions as she realizes Tara isn’t going to say anything to her.

Tara looks down at her watch and looks back at Willow. “I have about twenty-five minutes before I need to leave for the campus if I take the Jeep. I’ll check with Buffy to make sure it’s okay that I drive it today.” Tara offers quietly before stepping towards her and Buffy’s bedroom.

“Thank you.” Willow whispers before hurrying into the bathroom.

Tara looks at Willow for a moment before easing the bedroom door open, surprised to see Buffy standing at the window staring out of it with her back tensed, and her emotions locked down tight. Knowing Buffy has been trying to work on keeping her emotions somewhat under control, though the two of them had talked about the fact that she needs to talk about things and vent her anger and worry.

“You’re welcome to the Jeep whenever you want it, Tara. You know that.” Buffy quietly states without turning to look at her.

Tara sighs quietly and shuts the door behind her to walk up to Buffy. Gently placing her hands on the slayer’s tense shoulders, Tara kneads them gently. “What’s wrong, Buffy?”

Buffy leans forward, placing her forehead against the window, slowly relaxing as Tara’s hands continue to knead over her shoulders and back. “Do you want to hear what I was planning on telling you, or the truth?”

Tara runs her fingers through Buffy’s hair, sighing again. “The truth.”

“I don’t want you to go back to Willow.” Buffy states quickly and concisely. “I may be selfish, but I want you for myself. It drives me crazy that I might lose you, if you decide to go back to her.”

Tara stills her hands movements at the extreme amount of pain coming from Buffy with her words. Gently wrapping her arms around Buffy’s waist, Tara hooks her chin over her shoulder and rests the side of her head against Buffy’s. “Why?” Tara asks simply.

“Why am I being selfish? Why is it driving me crazy? Why don’t I want to lose you?” Buffy shrugs lightly and continues to look out at the beautiful blue sky. “Because the idea of that happening scares me, Tara. I’ve come to care for you and depend on you so much in the past month. If it wasn’t for you, I’d probably be either fucking Spike or dead.”

“No…” Tara shakes her head and hugs Buffy tightly, pulling the slayer hard against her body. “Don’t say that. You’re doing so much better, Buffy. Eventually you would have gotten here on your own. I’ve just given you a shoulder to cry on, an ear to talk to and a body to cuddle up against. I haven’t done that much.”

“You put your life on hold for me, Tara. When you aren’t at school or studying, you’re with me, doing something for me or helping me in some way. What do you want to do? Do you want to get back with Willow? Do you… want to date again?” Buffy almost strangles on the last two questions, the fear of what the answers to them might be almost makes her want to climb out the window and run away.

Tara holds on tightly to Buffy, feeling the woman’s body coil in her embrace, knowing what she’s thinking about doing, even as the fear washes over her from Buffy. Thinking long and hard about the slayer in her arms, Tara tilts her head and presses a soft kiss to her jaw, before resting her chin again on her shoulder. “My life isn’t on hold, Buffy. I’m spending it in the one place I really love being. As for what I want to do? I’m extremely happy being here with you and Dawnie. You’re my family in so many ways, and you probably don’t even realize it. As for Willow…” Tara takes a deep breath and closes her eyes as she really thinks about her ex-lover. Realizing she cares for Willow, but she doesn’t love her anymore, at least not in a girlfriend or lover way. “No, I don’t want to get back together with Willow. Not now… not ever. We’re through. Hopefully one day we can be friends again, and I might learn to trust her in a friend capacity, but I won’t ever be able to trust her as a lover again. She doesn’t hold that part of my heart anymore.”

Buffy slowly relaxes a little more and leans heavier back into Tara’s comforting embrace. “What about dating again?” Buffy finally questions after a few minutes.

“Eventually I would like to find someone special to date. But it would need to be someone that won’t freak out at the thought of vampires, demons, slayers and witches being real. I want to be myself with the person I decide to love and loves me. Unfortunately that’s harder than I would have ever believed possible.” Tara admits quietly, her eyes thoughtful as she thinks about the woman in her arms, knowing she’s falling in love with Buffy, but not wanting to hope that one day that love might be returned. Knowing the slayer has never been interested in a woman, and right now, she’s just her ‘lifeline’ more than anything.

“It is hard.” Buffy agrees, turning her head and pressing her lips softly to Tara’s cheek. “Let me know when you’re ready to get back into the dating game, please.” Buffy whispers softly against Tara’s cheek. Lifting her hand to cup Tara’s other cheek and strokes it gently with her fingertips. “I know someone that wants to be at the front of that line.” Buffy presses her lips softly against her cheek again before easing from Tara’s embrace and heading out of the bedroom without giving the stunned Wiccan a chance to do or say anything.

Tara swallows hard and raises a hand to her cheek where Buffy’s lips had softly caressed over the flesh. Feeling the flush of desire coming through her body at the thought of Buffy caring for her and wanting to date her though worried at the same time. Slowly shaking her head, Tara’s eyes become worried as she wonders if it’s simply because of the help she’d given her is the reason why Buffy’s ‘attached’ herself to her. Running a hand through her hair, Tara turns, grabs her tennis shoes and slides them on, tying them quickly before grabbing her book bag and trotting down the stairs, not daring to think too much about Buffy’s actions until they’ve had a chance to discuss things a little more in depth.

Hurrying into the kitchen, Tara opens the refrigerator and pulls out a bottle of juice before grabbing an apple out of the basket on the island, looking at Willow who seems somewhat subdued as she walks into the kitchen.

Willow watches as Tara opens her juice after shaking it, taking a sip. Taking a deep breath to get her thoughts in order, Willow finally just plunges in and asks the question that she needs to. “Is there any chance you’ll take me back?”

Tara hurriedly sets down her juice bottle and stares at Willow, the question coming as somewhat of a shock to her. “Are you wanting a simple yes or no answer, or something more?” Tara finally questions.

Willow swallows and looks up into shuttered blue eyes before whispering. “Yes or no will be good enough.” She admits, though wanting more, but realizing she has no right to ask for anything from this woman she’d betrayed so badly, along with her best friend that she’s caused so much pain and heartache.

Tara slowly shakes her head. “I can’t, Willow. You destroyed something in our relationship that I desperately need, and we’ll never be able to get it back.”

Willow feels the tears coming to her eyes even as she nods her head in acceptance. “I know this is late, but I’m sorry for everything I did. I never realized how much I was hurting everyone. I never meant to do that, and I hope one day you can forgive me.” Willow looks up into surprised blue eyes. “I’m not going to fight you, Tara. You or Buffy. Someone brought it to my attention that Buffy could have come back a thousand times worse than she did, and I know you’re helping her to get better. She couldn’t be in better hands.” Willow allows a small tremulous smile to cross her lips as she looks at Tara. “Take care of her, Tara. I know that you two care for each other it’s in the way you look and act towards each other. If something should happen between you… Not that you need or want it, but you have my blessing. Amy and I are going to visit a Coven outside of LA this weekend, to see if we can get some help. If we can, we’ll probably be there over the summer and possibly even longer, depending on how things go. But I’ll probably move back into my parents house to give you guys more privacy when I get back. I know I’ve made things more tense than they need to be, and I’m really, truly sorry for that. I want to start doing things right, instead of wrong, but I know it isn’t something I can do by myself. I need help, and like a foolish know-it-all, I refused your help. I’m sorry for that, but then again, they say hindsight’s twenty-twenty.” Willow hurriedly rambles off with barely a breath between sentences. “Good luck, and… I love you both.” Willow hurriedly runs out of the kitchen and out of the house.

Tara blinks as her mind tries to make sense of Willow’s fast ramble, trying to decipher what her ex-lover had said and understand it, unaware of Buffy coming into the room.

Buffy slowly walks into the kitchen, staring at the stunned and silent Wiccan. Having stayed close by in case anything happened, Buffy looks worriedly into Tara’s eyes. “Tara?” Buffy finally whispers, trying to catch Tara’s attention.

Tara blinks and stares into worried hazel eyes. “Buffy? What happened?”

Buffy smiles sadly at Tara. “Willow’s grown up and is taking responsibility for her actions.” Buffy explains, searching Tara’s eyes, wondering how the Wiccan is going to take the comments Willow made about the two of them possibly becoming a couple. “You’re going to be late for class if you don’t hurry.”

Tara tries to make sense of what Buffy said, Willow’s words still not coming together in her brain. Letting Buffy gently usher her out of the house, Tara automatically climbs behind the wheel, her brain starting to function again as she starts the Jeep, her eyes lingering on Buffy standing on the porch watching her.

Buffy tucks her hands in her pockets as Tara backs the Jeep out of the driveway before waving to her and heading down the road. “I really need to find something to do, to keep myself busy during the day.” Buffy admits quietly to herself as she looks at the yard and flower beds, having already whipped them back into shape, understanding a little better how her mom considered it her ‘therapy’. Sighing softly, Buffy looks at the clouds lazily drifting by. “Maybe I should just tell Tara I like her as more than a friend. But does she care for me in that way? I mean, I know she’s mentioned a few times about being physically attracted to me, but she’s never hit on me.” Buffy grumbles quietly before slowly turning around and heading back into the house. Grabbing the newspaper, she plops down on the couch and flips it open, deciding to look at the help wanted ads.