How To Date A Vampire

A moonlit walk by the lake. A beautiful setting for romance and seduction. The evening was perfect in every way. The picnic was delightful and the night-air was warm and calm.

Xander’s painful digits had been forgotten the moment Spike had shown him the lakeside picnic laid out with champagne and pigs in blankets.

The date had finally gone well, and the two boys made their way back to Xander’s apartment – without incident - and made sweet, sweet love to each other – also without incident.

And if you believe that, then you’re a bigger idiot than me. And that’s a pretty big idiot. You know how idiotic I am? Once, when I was little, I mistakenly poured custard on my dinner. And when I was in college? I went to the pub every day and then dropped out. And yesterday? I got all confused and accidentally read some Spuffy.

That last bit isn’t true. I was lying. Did ya guess?

Anyway, getting back to the point, here’s how it really happened:

“This is actually nice,” Xander remarked.

“You sound surprised, luv.”

“Well, I was expecting you to take me to some dodgy demon dive. Or more bowling. But this is…actually romantic.”

Spike grinned and thanked his lucky stars that he was as brilliant as he was. A walk through the woods with nothing but the light of a full moon to guide the way was the perfect way to end a not-so-perfect date.

And if you were wanting to be consistent, then it really kinda was.

“It’s nice to get away from other people for a while,” Xander continued. “Somewhere quiet and peaceful and…”

AWWWOOOOOOOOOO!

“What in the hell was that?”

Spike cocked his head and listened. He knew what is was, he just didn’t want to admit it. “Erm, sounded like a…rabid badger?”

“I have no idea what a rabid badger sounds like.”

AWWWOOOOOOOOOO!

“Like that?” The sound was far in the distance, so Spike was certain he could just about steer Xander through the woods to safety before the beast came close.

“I guess. What is a badger anyway?”

AWWWOOOOOOOOOO!

“Erm, black and white furry fellow. Nothing to worry about. Shall we walk a little faster? Wanna race?”

Xander laughed and shook his head. “You’re being weird.”

“Me?” Spike laughed, a little nervously. “Weird? Me? Weird? Me…?”

AWWWOOOOOOOOOO!

The howling was closer now and Spike grabbed Xander’s elbow and marched him down the dark, scary path through the woods.

“Hey, what’s the hurry?”

“Erm, badger.”

“Uh – Spike? I don’t think we have badgers in California. Wait a minute!”

The game was up. Spike closed his eyes and cursed himself. Meaning he spoke rudely to himself. He didn’t actually place a curse upon himself. The last thing he needed right now was to end up like the Brooding Wonder.

“You just want to rush me home and have sex with me!”

Ah, so the game wasn’t totally up, although he was still in potentially dangerous territory.

“Erm, well, you see…”

“Spike, It’s okay. I wanna have sex with you too.”

AWWWOOOOOOOOOO!

“Luv, actually, I think we need to get out…eh?”

“I wanna have sex with you too. Tonight.”

“You do? Tonight? Really?”

Xander stopped them both and pulled Spike closer, brushing their lips together. “Yeah. I think it must be the full moon making me frisky or something, or perhaps just a little bolder than usual, but…I really want you.”

AWWWOOOOOOOOOO!

Spike jumped at the sudden noise and pulled back. “Pet, I want that too, but I think we really need to get out of the woods. It was a stupid idea and I just wanted to impress you. Luv, I don’t know how to tell you this, but…that isn’t a badger.”

Xander smiled and tilted his head in a gesture of pity. “I know that, Spike. It’s a werewolf.”

“You knew all along?!”

“Of course! I was born and raised on the Hellmouth. I know a werewolf when I hear one.”

Good point. Spike, you are a total plank.

AWWWOOOOOOOOOO!

“Fuck, luv, it’s getting damn close. And it sounds big. We’d better cut through…”

“No. We stick to the path.” Xander shivered in the cool night air and pulled up the hood on his red jacket in an attempt to keep warm. “Come on. This way.”

“Are you mad? That way leads deeper into the woods.”

“Don’t worry. We’re safe as long as we stick to the path. And my grandmother has a small log cabin just a few minutes away. She’s really nice. But her teeth have got really big lately.’

Spike was getting a distinct impression that he’d fallen into the land of the crazy.

And that would be because he had.

“Spike? Spike?! Are you okay?”

Spike sat up straight and blinked confusedly. Xander’s concerned face was so close that Spike could feel warm breath against his face.

“Spike? Please talk to me?”

“Does your grandmother have a log cabin in the woods?” was the automatic response.

“Huh?”

Spike rubbed the back of his head. “Nothing. What the fuck just happened?”

“Your idea of the end to a perfect date was to rollerblade down the biggest hill in Sunnydale.”

“And I fell?”

“Well, yeah. I was waiting at the bottom to catch you. Unfortunately, I didn’t have my standard issue net with me and you swerved out of my reach. Hence your now crumpled and slightly painful state.”

“Bollocks.”

“You said that already.”

“Oh.”

“You want me to take you home and kiss it better? Want me to take you home and kiss it aall better?”

Xander ran his hands over Spike’s body and cupped the growing bulge in his jeans. He sat back on his heels and ripped open his shirt. “You like what you see, Spike? You want this?” Xander asked as he tweaked his own nipples.

Spike’s eyes bulged. “Bloody…”

Xander stopped what he was doing and stared. “My, what big eyes you’ve got.”

“Bugger. I’m still dreaming, aren’t I?”

Xander nodded and sprouted fairy wings.

“Typical.”

Okay, so I know what you’re all going to say. I promised to tell you what actually happened and I’ve tricked you by making up something stupid. Well, technically, I didn’t. Spike did actually dream that bit in the woods and that last bit when he dreamed that he woke up but was actually still asleep. If that makes sense.

The question is – what did really happen on the last part of Spike and Xander’s first date and why the hell is Spike apparently unconscious?

All will be revealed in the very last exciting chapter coming to a computer screen near you soon.

TBC…

HA! Fooled you again! You didn’t think I’d end things on such an exciting cliff-hanger, did you? I mean, would I?

Erm, actually, I probably would. But not this time.

So, here is how it really, honestly, truly happened:

“Spike? Spike?! Are you okay?”

Spike sat up and rubbed his head. “Christ, that hurt.”

“Spike, I’m so sorry. So much for our romantic dinner.”

“Forget about it. Not your fault,” Spike said as Xander heaved him off the ground.

“Yeah, it is. If I hadn’t flicked my peas at that waiter he’d never have asked me to leave and then you wouldn’t have had to defend my honour and pour gravy down the back of his neck. And then he wouldn’t have threatened to call the cops and I wouldn’t have called him a yellow-bellied trout-sniffer. And then he wouldn’t have called me a scallywag and then called you a scruffy, British scamp. And then I wouldn’t have picked up his tray and tried to hit him with it. I should have know that he’d duck and I’d hit you instead.”

“Don’t worry about it, luv. I’m alright. We’re outside?”

“They made me drag you out otherwise they were gonna call the cops.”

Spike sighed and fished about inside his pockets for his cigarettes. “You know I’m not one to admit defeat, but what do you say about calling it a night?”

“Okay. What night would you like me to call it?”

“No, I mean, let’s head home. I think we’ve both had enough trouble to last us a lifetime, yeah?”

The disappointment in Xander’s voice was obvious. “Oh. Oh, I see. Okay. Sure. I mean, it hasn’t exactly been… okay. We can end the date now.”

Spike rolled his eyes and smiled. “I meant, shall we end the date and just go home – to the same home.”

“My home?”

“Yeah. Pick up pizza and a DVD on the way? I just think it would be safer. The gods aren’t exactly on our side tonight.”

“Sounds cool. We’ll end the evening quietly and peacefully.”

***

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!” Xander abandoned his pizza and quickly stood up on the couch.

“Luv?! What’s wrong?!”

Xander pointed.

“What? I can’t see anything?”

Xander pointed again. “There!”

“What?! Where?!”

“There! Under the chair!”

“What is it?!”

“It’s a mouse! In my house!”

“Oh, bloody hell.”

“Get it! Oh, crap it! Bait it, trap it!”

“Not meaning to ask a daft question, but are you deliberately rhyming?”

“What? Spike? If you can’t help me then take a hike!”

“I’m dreaming again, aren’t I?”

Xander nodded and sprouted fairy wings.

“Typical.”

Okay, that’s the last time I do that. I absolutely, hand on my heart, promise.

Here is how it really happened. Ladies and gentleman, I now present you with the end of Spike and Xander’s first date and Spike’s idea of romance:

“Now this is what I call a great first date,” Xander murmured. Wrapped in a cocoon of blanket and Spike, Xander was a very happy camper indeed.

Spike shifted in the bed and nuzzled Xander’s hair. “Mpfh. Did I drop off?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Sorry, luv.”

“That’s okay. I think I dozed for a while there too. Comfortable. And full.”

Spike’s idea of ‘something romantic’ had involved going back to Xander’s apartment, getting naked, having lots of hot sex, watching TV in bed and calling out for pizza. And, surprisingly? Nothing bad had happened.

Verdict: Outside bad. Inside good. Inside has TV and sex. Outside has glue, zombies, fire and nurses that hurt.

“So, fancy a second date?” Spike asked, cuddling Xander closer and licking pizza sauce off his nose.

“Will it involve lots of bed?”

“Of course.”

“Then sure! You know, there’s so much that you can do in bed – apart from the obvious, I mean. There’s TV and pizza, which we’ve already proved. Then there’s reading – and not just books, oh, no. Comics and the morning paper and graffiti…oh, well, not so much of that. Magazines! Educational ones! And then you can eat in bed and have discussions and political debates. And then, of course, there’s sleeping and slumbering and dozing. And let’s not forget the great American naptime.”

“You’re a cheap date, luv.”

“Exactly. Just one of the benefits of dating Xander Harris.”

“I know another benefit or two,” Spike declared.

“And they would be?”

“Nice warm feet and almost inexhaustible energy levels.”

“Yeah? Shall we test that out? The energy levels, I mean, not the warm feet.”

Spike rolled Xander onto his back and proceeded to ravage him. Just at that moment, a blinding, green light shone through the window and lit up the room.

“Bloody hell. What the fuck is that?!”

Spike and Xander scrambled out of bed and rushed over to the window to look. “I…can’t really tell. It’s too bright out there,” Xander said.

Spike squinted and pressed his face against the glass as the light began to dim. “Looks like…some sort of…flying plate.”

“Oh, my god!”

“What?!”

“I think aliens just landed! COOL!”

The End.