White Knight's War

The White Knight’s War

Author :~ pixel
Rated: R mostly, but maybe some NC-17
later ~ depends how it goes
Ship: xander/graham/oc
Disclaimer: I own nothing, claim nothing, they
all still belong to Joss et al and I’m just
borrowing for a while.
Authors Notes 1: Ok this is probably going
to have slash, bad language, character
death and buffy bashing ~ so if you don’t
like ~ don’t read. I don’t have a beta so
all mistakes are mine ~ if you point them
out I’ll try to fix them. There’s an
explanation etc in prologue.
Authors Notes 2:Concrit and reviews
always welcomed and appreciated ~
helps me to know i'm not talking to myself here.

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How We Came To This ~ Part 5

“Oops!” Xander’s reply positively dripped
with sarcasm.


“Well it’s not like we were all friendly when
I got back, what with you pretty much
hating me and me being kinda crazy;
and it’s not as if I knew you were going to
wind up there now is it?”


“Right Spike, just would have been nice to
know that they would wind up giving you
their idea of what you wanted, not what
you asked for.”


“So what did you wind up with anyway,
what was running through that mind
of yours, pet?”


“I wanted back what I’d lost, that’s
what it said it read from me, not
even sure I knew what exactly, my
eye, Anya, our old life maybe.
What I wound up with was my
possessions, all of them, still can’t
decide if it was a blessing or a curse.
It took some work but I’ve got
control of them this time around,
it’s just I’m not entirely sure I’m
me anymore.”


“I remember the soldier memories,
helped me out with the Initiative’s
little tracker, but what else were you?
Never heard or saw you be anything
else.”


“First was a Primal, a hyena spirit,
happened right after we met Buffy,
long before you and Dru showed
up in the Dale. I always pretended
to the girls I didn’t remember it, I
had no control at all, just ran on
instinct, I was lucky Buffy got me
locked up before I hurt anyone,
the rest of my pack ate our principal.
I almost hurt her though, the hyena
wanted a mate, and I came pretty
close to forcing her, and I don’t think
I’d have come back from that. You
know about the soldier from Halloween
senior year, but what most people
didn’t realise was that my costume
was a genuine second hand uniform.
Everyone thought I had some kind of
generic soldiers training stuff in my head,
but actually it was a specific soldier’s
memories. He was a special-forces
black ops guy; which means I have
a lot of skills I didn’t exactly have to
earn, but I get his bad stuff too. He
was a POW for a time, and his unit
wasn’t exactly the type to play by
the rule book; some of the stuff
they did was closer to executions
than warfare and I can remember
how every kill looked, how it felt.
I’m not sure the last one even
qualifies as a possession, I mean
it wasn’t exactly me, but the demon
must have decided it counted.”
Xander stopped and took a deep
breath, this was the part he really
didn’t like, after everything he’d
said about Angel and Spike over
the years, now he wasn’t that
different from them.


“Can’t stop there, what else
are you?”


“Remember how we got Anya?”


“Didn’t you cheat on the
cheerleader with Red, got yourself
caught?”


“Actually you got us caught, what
with the kidnapping, head injuries
and locking us up so you could
make Willow get Dru back for you.”


“”Wasn’t my fault you decided to
lock lips with Red, you’d have got
caught sooner or later, way you all
lived in each other’s pockets, no
way to keep anything a secret for long.”


“Maybe, ancient history anyway, when
Cordy found out she was……shall we
say less than pleased. Anya showed
up and got her to make a wish, Cordy
never realised Anya was a demon so
she didn’t think it would do any harm.
She actually thought it out and decided
that the only reason she’d lowered
herself to date a loser like me was
because I’d saved her life a couple
of times. She thought that seeing
as the life saving was usually demon
related, it must have started because
I was Buffy’s friend, so she wished
that Buffy had never come to Sunnydale.
She wound up in this kinda alternative
universe, where Buffy went somewhere
else after she was called; only problem
was that a Sunnydale without a Slayer
was a pretty awful place. The Master
was never stopped and he pretty
much ruled the town, no one could
go out after dark and all the people
she should have saved were gone.
Including me and Willow, we were
turned right away, Darla gave us
to the Master and he decided to
keep us.”


“You were childer not minions.”
Angel’s softly spoken words
weren’t really a question, he
remembered the Willow from that
world all to well. “You’re not a
vampire, I can hear your heart
beating and you still smell alive.”


“Not an actual vampire but I’ve
got the strength and senses,”
and this was the bit that he
truly hated, “And the blood lust.”


“You need to feed?”


“Not exactly like you Deadboy,
I only need a small amount of
blood, from Graham, if I can’t
feed from him then I’d need a
lot of blood from another source,
they tied him to me, made it so
his blood is essential for me to
survive.”


“Do you have the demon?”


“No, seems like I got the body
upgrade without that, thank god,
because the hyena and the
soldier added to the vamp stuff
means I’m pretty unstoppable,
don’t care to think how bad it
would be if I had a demon in
control.”


“What about you,” Angel turned
to Graham, “How do you feel
about being made to be Xander’s
food source?”


“It isn’t like that, it was my fault
anyway; he’s forced to stay with
me to survive, not the other way
round.”


“Dammit Gray. You know that
isn’t true, this is not your fault
and I stay because I love you not
because of anything the demon did.
With all the mojo users we know,
don’t you think that if I wanted to
I could find a way around this?”


“Maybe, maybe not, but this
came from what the demon read
from me, from my insecurities,”
realising that he’d already started
to explain his own changes Graham
decided he might as well tell them
the rest. “All I ever wanted was to
be a marine, serve my country,
it’s what my family does, five
generations, my dad died in
service. When I got in everything
was fine, the life I always wanted,
then when I got recruited for the
Initiative……it was like this huge
deal. They said they were only
looking for the very best, they
didn’t tell us much at first and
what they did say was so fucking
unbelievable. We went along
with it all, I mean the brass
aren’t exactly known for playing
practical jokes. They never
once used the words demons
or magic. They told us about
previously undiscovered breeds
of animals that were threatening
the human race. They said
animals, we just assumed they
knew what they were talking
about, they gave them fancy
names and numbers, told us
they might appear to be
human or exhibit and mimic
human behaviour, but that
they were just imitating stuff
they’d seen. They swore that
the things we were fighting
weren’t sentient. Then we
were sent to Sunnydale.


It was strange right from the
start, all the undercover crap,
pretending to be students,
hiding who we were; but they
always had a bunch of
plausible answers about
avoiding public panic and
national security.” Graham
swallowed hard, concentrating
on Xander’s face as he continued,
unable to look at Spike.
“Then it got worse, the docs in
charge started in on the
experiments, and while they
said it would be better for the
creatures in the long term, ‘cos
we’d be able to stop them from
hurting humans without killing
them; the type of things they
were testing didn’t seem right.
Then Professor Walsh started
asking for specific creatures,
demanding they be brought in
intact even if it cost us lives.
I suppose we all knew it was
getting out of hand but we’d
no idea how far and the drugs
they’d been pumping into us
didn’t exactly help provide
clarity of mind.


When it all fell apart, with Buffy,
the professor and then Adam,
we realised how bad we’d been.
Hell we expected to wind up
getting court-martialed and
kicked out, but in the end the
government couldn’t afford that,
I mean it would all have come
out; from the existence of demons,
to the army kidnapping and
torturing sentient beings and the
little fact that they’d almost
destroyed the world and had
to be saved by a teenager and
her friends. They couldn’t kick
us out but they didn’t exactly
know what to do with us either.
It took months for us all to get
back to normal, getting the
drugs out of our systems and
the surgery most of us needed
to fix the damage to our bodies
from Walsh’s experiments. All
the time I just couldn’t stop
thinking that this wasn’t what
I’d signed up for; I was a
soldier that meant I was
supposed to help people to
save them.


Even when we wound up in Africa
I couldn’t seem to settle, we’d
track down some demon or
other, but as glad as I was to
save whoever was in trouble I
couldn’t stop thinking about
how we just didn’t know what
we were doing. What gave us
the right to judge? I think if
Xander hadn’t come along I’d
have probably walked away, I
just couldn’t live with myself.
It was easier after that,
recruiting the Slayers, helping
them, I didn’t have to make
moral judgements anymore,
and with the books and stuff
from the Watchers Council
we weren’t operating blind,
we knew who and what we
were fighting. I thought I
was past the guilt, but in
the cave when the demon
read me I found out I wasn’t.
It said that it saw I wanted to
not be a killer, that I wanted
to help people, and so it
made me a healer. I can
cure almost anything,
damage to the mind or
body, though it can take a
lot out of me, but there’s
a price…..I can’t kill, can’t
take any life under any
circumstances. If a demon
walked through the door now
and was about to destroy
the world and I was the only
one with a weapon, we’d be
totally screwed ‘cos I just
physically wouldn’t be
able to do a thing.


It also said I wanted to be
needed, that I didn’t think
Xander could love me, that
anybody could love me ‘cos
I didn’t think I deserved that,
so that’s why it made Xander
need my blood, I was so
fucking desperate to have him
stay, now he has no choice.”
Graham pushed up from the
couch and headed for the stairs.


“Gray, don’t you fucking do this
again, stop beating yourself up.
Gray….” Xander eased Dawn
from his lap and stood up.
“Look I know you guys have a
thousand and one questions
but you’ll have to make do
with the others for awhile, I
need to go check on him.”
With that he headed after his
lover, only to stop when Angel
grabbed his arm. “Like I said,
you’ll have to wait for me
Deadboy.”


“I’ve only got one question.
What’s Buffy’s address in Rome?”


“And you need Buffy’s address,
why exactly?”


“So I know where to go when
I get off the plane.”


“Ok. Again with the why?”


“Isn’t it obvious, we need to
get to Rome as soon as
possible so we can save Buffy.”


“Ok, you want to go to Rome
and save Buffy?”


“Of course, that’s why you
wanted us here, right? So we
could help you save Buffy.”


“Faith, remember how I
promised I was going to be
all calm and reasonable and
not let Deadboy here piss
me off?”


“I remember X.”


“I lied,” turning as he spoke
Xander punched Angel in the jaw,
the force of the blow sending
the vampire right across the
room and causing the wall to
splinter and crack when his
flying body struck it.


Winded and dazed, Angel
struggled to his feet, “What
the fuck do you think you’re….”
Before he could finish the
question Xander had crossed
the room and grabbed him
up by the collar.


“Now I’m giving you the benefit
of the doubt here Deadboy, ‘cos
I really don’t want to think
you’ve gone all evil on us
again. So just for the imbecilic
vampire who appears to have
not listened to a single fucking
word any one’s said, I’ll lay it out
for you again. Buffy got involved
with the Immortal, Buffy willingly
embraced a dark ritual to get power,
Buffy willingly gave up her soul;
which means, in case you’ve
forgotten, that the thing currently
running round Rome in Buffy’s
body is no longer the girl we knew.
‘Cos the last time I checked, the
Buffy I knew wouldn’t have been
capable of murdering her best
friend and trying to kill her baby
sister, not to mention working
to bring about a fucking apocalypse.
So no I didn’t bring you here to help
save Buffy, she’s beyond anyone’s
help; it’s the rest of the human
race that’s in trouble.”


“Just because something’s
happened to her doesn’t mean
she can’t be saved. I love her,
I can reach her; I know I can.
You’re just a kid; you’ve no
idea what happened, you’ve
no right to just give up on her.
After everything she’s done for
you how can you just abandon
her? I never figured you for a
coward.” Angel suddenly
began to convulse with pain,
glancing round as he fell to
the floor, he saw Dawn
advancing towards him, her
eyes again green with power,
hand extended towards him,
a look of pure fury distorting
her face. Everyone, except
Spike, from the AI crew tried
to get to him but found
themselves held back by a
mystical barrier.


“How dare you talk to him
that way? He saved us, all
of us, more times than I can
even count. If there were a
way, however dangerous,
however much of a long shot
he would take it. My sister is
gone, I had to look into her
eyes and see a monster
looking back, see someone
who wanted me dead. As for
you reaching her, my god
you didn’t even know her.
You hadn’t seen her for more
than ten minutes at a time
in over five years. You weren’t
there when mom got sick
and died and Buffy had to be
strong all the time so she
could look after me. You
weren’t there when she
fought a God to keep me
safe, when she died to save
me. You go on about how much
you loved her, but it was such
a fucking selfish love, when
she was dead the rest of us
might as well not have existed.
Buffy died to let me live, to
protect me, her life’s work
was protecting the people of
the Hellmouth; but I don’t
remember you showing up to
make sure she didn’t die in
vain. You never came to check
on the people she loved to
make sure they were ok, you
ran off to some fucking
monastery to feel sorry for
yourself, as far as you knew
the Hellmouth was unprotected,
but we could all have died
and you’d never have even
noticed.


The vampire with the soul,
what a fucking joke, it’s all
about you, your suffering,
your redemption, your love,
there’s nothing selfless
about you at all. Do you
want to know who taught
me about true love? Spike,
He didn’t have a soul then,
he was a demon but he was
always a better man than
you. He loved Buffy, back
then he never thought he’d
get a chance with her, never
even thought she’d touch
him, but he loved her anyway.
He let Glory torture him, hurt
him in ways that would even
give Angelus nightmares and
never gave her what she
wanted, because he knew
that’s what Buffy needed
him to do. When she died,
he stayed; he tried to do
what she would have done.
He protected the Hellmouth,
killed demons; saved us all
over and over again. More
than that he looked after me,
I was her sister and because
he loved her he also loved me.
He held me when I cried, told
me crappy bedtime stories
and frightened off any boy
that even looked at me. He
tried to do what Buffy would
have, to give me the life
she wanted me to have. His
love didn’t die with her, it
meant more than that. To
really love somebody you
have to care about what’s
important to them, you never
did understand that, all you
ever wanted was to be with
her on your terms.


You have no right to come in
here and judge us, to try
and decide for us. We
don’t need you and we sure
as Hell aren’t about to let
you get us all killed by running
off to Rome and warning that
thing about what’s going on.
We’re talking about the end
of everything here Angel,
which you’d have found out
if you’d just listened a little
longer. Now you need to pick
a side, you fight with us or
against us. There’s no
middle ground this time.”
With that Dawn shut down her
power and walked away, leaving
Angel writhing in agony on the
floor and Spike staring after
her, a look of pride and
disbelief on his face.


“Faith, you better get him
some blood, don’t want him
dying on us yet. I need to get
Dawn calmed down and find
Gray. When he’s up to listening
come get me, Amy you can
let them go now, they can
help him if they want.
Deadboy Dawn was right
about everything she said, so
when I get back we are going
to finish this and you’d damn
well better listen with your
brains not your dick this time;
because if I think for one
second you’re going to betray
us I’ll dust you and I promise
you I won’t regret it for a
single second.”


tbc…..