Hellbent

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.9.


Frozen, staring up at the half dressed beauty before him, Xander found himself unable to speak. His voice seemed to have deserted him, leaving nothing but a dry itch in his throat.

“Hey B.” Faith smiled sincerely, “I didn’t mean to bring him along.”

“It’s okay.” Buffy said softly, making her way down the stone staircase to the waiting intruders. “I guess he feels he has the right to voice his opinion on everything I do. It must be his right to judge me after what I put him through by getting sucked into hell.”

The soft spoken, cold sarcasm that lifted Buffy’s voice shook Willow to the core. She was right, they were just judging her, basing her decisions on standards they had forced upon her unwittingly.

“I’m sorry Buffy.” Willow said quietly, her eyes hesitantly seeking out the older girl’s.

“Don’t sweat it.” Buffy replied flippantly, not wanting anyone to see just how much these little things affected her. “I don’t break so easily.”

“So you don’t care what we think?” Faith asked with a grin, her tongue poking between her teeth as she eyes up the vampire that stood at the foot of the staircase. Standing silently, guarding his mate with everything he had. Willing to take on yet another Slayer if necessarily. “So I can tell you just how damn fine I think your honey is, and you ain’t gonna care?”

“He is isn’t he?” Buffy agreed, a smile ghosting across her face as she turned to face said honey. “So what are you here for?” She asked with genuine curiosity.

“Well I came to say thanks for last night. It was kinda wiggy, but that’s probably somethin’ to talk about another time, right?”

“Right.” Buffy agreed with a grin. “So you’ve decided that waking up vampires in the middle of the day and insulting me was the most interesting thing for you to do today?” She directed her gaze at Xander, who had been uncharacteristically quiet all this time.

His face was unusually pale, and a soft sheen of perspiration added to his strange expression made Buffy wary. She was used to Xander being comical, judgemental, loud and even crude. The look of disbelief on his face could almost be likened to remorse, his eyes pleaded for love and approval as he gazed, unseeing at the Slayers.

“Xander?”

“Buffy?” His voice was barely above a croak. “It’s really you?”

“In the flesh.” Buffy noted dryly. “Just woken up?”

“If it’s really you, why are you here?” His voice was almost a plea, desperate for some kind of understanding as to what was going on, how his friend had managed to change so dramatically while he had remained the same for so long.

“Because this is my home now.” Buffy’s voice was soft, slow and held a certain amount of patience that was taking all of her emotional strength to keep. “I live here.”

“But this is where Angelus lived.”

“And this is where he died.” Buffy reasoned softly, “You told me to kill him, and I tried. You never told me Willow was restoring his soul, you conveniently left that part out in your bitter jealousy. You couldn’t stand the fact that even as a monster, he held a place so deep in my heart that you could never reach. Now that place has been replaced and once again, it wasn’t by you. So if the fact that I love Spike and always will is something you can’t deal with, just go now. I don’t need your approval, I don’t even need your friendship any more. I’ve managed to get this far by myself, I can live without you. The question is, can you live without me?”

Pausing in her tirade, Buffy cocked her head to the side, watching Xander as he tried to swallow the truth. “Can you move on and begin to love your girlfriend?”

“I do love her.” Xander whispered, unable to refute anything else as his mind whirred, all kinds of fact and fiction fought for dominance, unable to settle on what to believe as true.

“Let go Xan.” Faith commented, having stood by and watched while Buffy slammed home everything she knew to be true in a way that Xander was forced to listen and to finally recognise the truth.

“I, I need to go.” Willow whispered, walking backwards until she reached the doorway, stumbling out into the blinding light of the day.

“I’m gonna…” Xander pointed at the open doorway where Willow had disappeared then began to shuffle away from the Slayers, unable to lift his head.

Watching her former best friend slump out of the door wasn’t as painful as Buffy had imagined. She had imagined all kinds of scenarios with accusations and barbs were slung back and forth, but as things went. She had been calm, honest and she actually felt as if she had been listened to.

That was what had been missing since she had returned. No matter what she said or how she said it, someone would either dismiss it as lies or ignore the fact that she had spoken at all.

“Well that went well.” Faith joked, pulling her sister Slayer in for a brief hug then whirling away. “I’d better get to class, see if I can threaten our friendly T.A into dishing his secrets. See ya!”

Standing alone in the entrance hall, Buffy turned to see that Spike had gone. Attempting to converse with him telepathically told her that his mind definitely wasn’t on her. Sulking that she couldn’t get through to him was an overused tactic, that Buffy refused to resort to at this point. She feeling pretty damn good about herself and was in the mood for spoiling herself. Jogging back up to their empty room, Buffy pulled her clothes on and briefly glanced at her reflection in the mirror on the dresser. Shrugging her shoulders she made her way back down stairs.

“Goin’ to my mom’s!” She yelled up the staircase, knowing that someone would hear her. She knew Spike was probably hiding out somewhere, sulking about something or other that she had said, probably the bit about Angelus she figured. They would be able to hash it out when she returned and after Spike had had the time to brood about things.

Giggling at the thought of Spike brooding as he so often denied he did, Buffy made her way out of the door, shutting the mansion once again into complete darkness.

“Buffy?” Joyce couldn’t help but sound surprised at seeing her daughter on her doorstep so early in the day.

“Hey mom.” Buffy greeted cheerily, masking her disappointment that her own reception wasn’t as welcoming. “Can I come in?”

“Of course, of course,” Joyce bustled, holding the door open for Buffy to enter. “Make yourself at home honey.”

“How are you?” Buffy asked tentatively. She understood how much of an emotional upheaval she had caused by returning here, but she had felt it necessary. She had needed to return to Sunnydale, to slay her personal demons and make peace with herself before she could head on with her life.

“I’m fine sweetheart.” Joyce assured her, looking her over as only a mother could. “Are you okay? Eating right? Want a drink or a snack?”

“Mom, I’m fine.” Buffy smiled, “I’ll have a soda please.”

Returning with a selection of drinks cans, Joyce perched beside her daughter on the sofa, smiling at how little she had really changed. She was still curling up on the sofa, her legs tucked beneath her, looking lost as she gazed around the familiar surroundings.

“I’m sorry about last night.” Buffy felt the need to get that out the way before she could really begin to talk freely about anything else.

She would never normally have used such language in her mother’s presence, or even in her mother’s house, and she was sorry that things had been pushed that far.

“It’s okay honey, I understand. They pushed it too far.” Joyce sympathised. “I know what you have with Spike is real.”

“Thanks”

“I understand how it feels to be in love Buffy, it may have been a while ago, but I want you to know I’ll always be here for you to talk to sweetheart. Just like all those years ago.”

“I love you mommy.” Buffy whispered, turning and burying her head on her mother’s lap. This was what she had been waiting to do for half a decade, and now she was finally back home in her mother’s embrace.

“I love you too.” Joyce pressed a soft kiss to Buffy’s golden hair. “What do you say we go spend some money?”

“You don’t have to work?” Buffy hesitated, desperate to have her mother to herself and be mothered, but not wanting to ruin any previous plans she may have had.

“No, not today. I’m all yours sweetheart. We can get our hair and nails done, a new wardrobe, some real girl time.” Joyce smiled. This was just what she had been waiting for, time alone to bond with Buffy.

“God, I missed you so much!” Giggled Buffy, standing and extending her arm to her mom. “Girls day out, here we come!”

“Indeed.” Smiled Joyce, leading the way to the car. “So tell me, how are things with Spike?”

“Mom!” Buffy blushed, mortified that her mother would ask that question. It was one thing for Faith to be admiring him, she knew in her heart that Spike was attracted to her and to her only, but for her mother to be implying that she wanted details of the sexual kind was just gross.

“What? Am I not allowed to ask that? I thought my little girl was all grown up?”

“I am. But I’ll always be your little girl.” Buffy responded, watching out the window as the town sped by. “You’re not supposed to talk about that with your mom.”

“What about Drusilla then? Is it okay to be discussing your relationship with her?”

“What kind of relationship do you think we have?” Buffy asked, her face scrunched up in disgust. “’Cause I can assure you, it’s not like that!”

“Oh honey,” Joyce chuckled, “I wasn’t thinking anything of the sort. I was just wondering what she was like as everyone else seems to be of the opinion that’s she is insane.”

“She’s not entirely insane.” Buffy mumbled, looking down at her ratty, bitten down nails. “She can see things, the future, the past, the stars, your soul.” She smiled softly, “She sees everything.”

“And she’s Angel’s girlfriend now?” Joyce pushed slowly, not wanting to offend Buffy before they had the chance to really discuss the past few years.

“Yeah. She’s with her daddy.” Buffy smiled. She truly was happy for the vampires to have Angel. She was more than satisfied with Spike, Angel didn’t even register on her radar as anything more than a protector now. He liked to think he ruled their small family unit, but they all knew that Buffy was in charge whether they liked or not.

“Her Daddy?”

“Angel sired her. He’s like her dad. Dru sired Spike, so Angel is like his granddad. It’s all very complicated.”

“Sounds incestuous.” Joyce commented quietly, earning a giggle from Buffy.

“And then there’s me. Right at the bottom of the family, claimed by Spike, so Angel is like my grandfather-in-law or something strange. It’s all just confusing to think about, swapping partners and things.” Buffy smiled, her memories flooding back to her, flashes of her life before Angel brought his clan into her life, turning it upside before she could blink.

“So what happened in hell?” Joyce couldn’t help but ask, putting the car in park and turning to face her daughter.

“You really want to know?” Buffy replied after a long pause, “If I tell you this, it goes no further. I can’t undo what’s past and I can’t take your judgement.” She stopped, a lone tear rolling slowly down her cheek.

“Honey listen to me.” Joyce reached out, taking Buffy’s hands into her own. “I will never, ever judge you for anything you’ve done. I love you and always will. You’re my baby Buffy. No matter what.”

“Thanks.” Buffy sniffed. “Here goes…”