Shadows across the heart

Chapter 9

Gunn went to one of his favorite stores, thinking very hard along the way. He was surprised to know what he was feeling was, for the most part, pity for Xander. Despite having a whole bunch of demons at his beck and call, Angel at his side constantly, and Fred and Cordy acting like a couple of girls…he paused, okay, Fred and Cordy acting like a couple of overeager fans at a Britney Spears concert, he clarified grudgingly, Xander had to be feeling fucked. I mean, there weren’t many men out there, that I know of that wound up pregnant.

Pregnant, and for that matter, in so much pain he couldn’t walk any longer. Yet underneath his pity, Gunn couldn’t help but feel a sense of admiration for Xander. For all the kid’s troubles, it was obvious that Xander was really struggling not to have a well deserved freakout. ‘Cuz, from Gunn’s perspective, Xander was certainly entitled to one. No, that boy was entitled to over half a dozen of ‘em!

Gunn remembered the miserable, dark expressions that used to overtake Wesley. The English man had been shot and confined to a wheelchair during one of their missions to protect a local community safehouse. Sure, Wes put on a relatively cheerful face, all laughs and smiles when he knew they were watching. But when he thought no one was looking, when he thought himself alone…Gunn had made damn sure that razors and other sharp objects were well out of Wesley’s reach.

Once at the store, and perusing the shelves, he quickly made his selections. Gunn then headed for the front. He made a face slightly at the bill but sighed even as he signed the receipt. Carrying his loot, he strolled back to the hotel, for the first time wondering how Xander was doing up in the Big House, as he liked to call the castle. With Angel coming and going, Cordy and Fred shopping for baby clothes, Wesley keeping a careful distance and he, following Wes’ lead, also keeping his distance. Xander had to be lonely for someone to talk to, he thought, remembering all the things Cordy used to say about her ex-boyfriend. Kid used to be a regular motor-mouth.

And now, judging by all those books he saw, homme wasn’t doing nothing but reading. Gunn grimaced at the horrible thought. Not that reading was bad, but damn! a brotha gotta have some other form of entertainment.

Making his way back to the hotel, and meeting Cordy downstairs, Gunn was told that Angel was out…again. Then the girl started talking eagerly about the baby. And inwardly Gunn frowned. It seemed all anybody could think about was the baby. Didn’t seem like anybody was giving too much thought about who was actually carrying the kid.

He almost said something, but he wasn’t that stupid. Women and babies went hand-and-hand, you messed with the little one and you would have a whole WORLD of trouble whooping your ass! So he merely smiled patiently and prayed that he was saying all the right words as she gushed about ‘the cutest little pair of jeans I ever saw!’ He sighed in relief when Cordy abruptly decided she HAD to buy them, even if the kid wouldn’t be able to wear them for at least a year.

After she had left, he made a quick call and 25 minutes later lunch was delivered. All nice and piping hot, to his hands. Whistling nonchalantly, and balancing the plastic shopping bag he and the pizza, he sauntered up to his room. Nodding casually to the guards stationed at the elevator (Angel wasn’t taking any more chances of harm coming to Xander) Gunn headed for his room. Once inside, he looked around with great care. Already he had learned not to leave food lying around or those kittens would be all over it. Then get messily sick all over the place and HE would get blamed! They were just like human cats. One minute, not there…next minute so THERE they gave a body a goddamn heart attack. Looking for all the world calm and relaxed, like they had been chillin’ in that particular position for several hours just waiting for you to notice them.

“Psst! Casiwe,” he stumbled over the nickname Xander had given the castle. “Yo, girl, I know you can hear me. I need to get up to Xander, pronto. I got some goodies for your boy,” he said cagily.

Casi considered the request from the man. Her Guardian was acting a little…
different lately but the AngelDefender explained that it was the baby. Yet her Guardian did not appear to be getting better. Observing how her Guardian was merely sitting in his new chair on the balcony, staring at the beach she abruptly decided to allow the dark one upstairs.

“Thanks, baby…” Gunn exclaimed when his room rippled. He went to his door and fumbled it open, walked down the long hall to Angel and Xander’s rooms and clumsily opened the door.

“Wassup, son!” he called to the wheelchair-bound young man.

Xander desultorily regarded the beautiful watery picture the ocean made. But the beauty of the moment was totally lost on him. He angrily slammed a fist down on the arm of the wheelchair, quixotically blaming it for his current state of being. Tossing a sour look at the multitude of parenting magazines and books littering the table at his side, he resolutely turned his attention back to the ocean with a slight shudder of distaste. With any luck he’ll be able to shake his mood before Angel returned.

While his vampire was aware that he wasn’t exactly…pleased with the coming child, Angel had no idea just how unpleased he really was. And it wasn’t just the fact that being pregnant was causing him so much of the mind-weighing kind. Well actually, being pregnant was more than half the trouble, but it was just that everything was happening so damn fast!

Becoming one-fourth of a Guardian over the world, fighting the Shadow Queen, losing Willow and, he felt a fresh stab of grief lance through his soul, being pregnant, which incidentally, was accompanied by far too much pain in his book. It was all happening too fast for his mind to get a grip.

But he was trying so hard to act all chipper and bubbly and…and…stuff. Hell, he groused, any chipper and I’ll be a block of wood. Chip…wood, he smirked, I still got it! He was much cheered by his returning witticism.

Xander blinked, called from his dark introspective mood by a sound, then an odor. He sniffed, his nose twitching as the delectable aroma of pizza hit his nostrils. He backed his chair up fast, then whirled himself around. His eyes lighting up at the familiar flat box Gunn was carrying.

Like Pavlo’s dog, instantly his mouth watered.

“Dude, if that’s for me, you will become my new bestest friend,” he vowed solemnly, speeding his chair towards the black man.

Gunn laughed at the greedy look on Xander’s face. “Well, how about just being friends ‘cuz it ain’t all for you,” he teased. Laying the box on the couch, he flipped the top and eagerly pulled out a slice. “Mmmmm,” he sighed, closing his eyes in bliss. “Pizza Hut ain’t got nothing on one of Mama Rosa’s pizza!”

Xander didn’t bother saying anything. Besides, words would be surplus. Anyway why talk when he could be busy gobbling down another slice.

By his third, and Gunn’s fourth, he could afford to go a bit slower. “Angel won’t let me have any junk food anymore,” he explained, plucking a piece of pepperoni off the pizza and consuming it with relish.

“Why…?”

“Oh, some dumb shit about eating healthy and we’ll have a healthy baby,” Xander snorted, a dark look flashing across his face. And if Gunn hadn’t been watching so closely, he might have missed it as the boy effortlessly pulled on his jester’s mask.

“But anyway, thanks for the pizza. You don’t know what a lifesaver it’s been,” he said fervently. “I don’t think nothing could possibly top that,” he added with a sigh of repletion. He wore the satisfied, genial look of a man after a huge Thanksgiving feast. Full, complete and pants discretely unbuttoned. And completely unable to move from the table.

Gunn snickered and held up the bag he had set by the couch. “Damn, and I thought maybe you would like to try out this new Xbox that I just bought,” he said with mock sadness.

Xander swallowed hard. “You are my hero,” he said in a voice choked with tears. He reached for the tantalizing package and hugged it to his chest, looking at Gunn with a wide, soulful gaze. “NO! You are a god,” he half-whispered dramatically, his eyes swimming with emotion.

“And you are an idiot,” Gunn laughed as he grabbed the bag and took out the Xbox. Xander settled happily back as the other boy located the television and began hooking up the gaming equipment.

“Maybe, but I’m an idiot with a castle, primo beachfront property and a view to die for,” Xander replied mildly. “Now hurry up and get out the way!”

Snickering, Gunn did as commanded. Racing back to the couch and grabbing his controls, he stole a quick look at Xander’s glowing face. Realized that this was the first time he had seen the real Xander Harris. He decided he liked THIS version of Xander rather than the fake, smiling one.

He turned his attention to the screen as the game began. The two young men enjoyed a couple of enjoyable hours playing video games, arguing loudly over who was cheating and who’s elbow ‘accidentally’ slipped and knocked into the other, and eating forbidden food that they sweetly cajoled Casiwe into providing.


Angel returned back to the castle in a state of numb shock. A shock that was slow to wear off. He had sat for hours in the lawyers’ office. Making them repeat what they were saying several times, struggling to wrap his mind around the fact that he was obscenely wealthy. Hell, the amount of money he had managed to save in his years walking the earth was a mere pittance.

Apparently upon becoming Defender to the Guardian, they explained to him, a sizable amount of money was segment from the Guardian’s funds. An account was opened and the funds put into that account. It was his. What he chose to do with his money was his business.

While he was there, Angel decided to raise the questions of his legal status in America. He found they were already ahead of him in this regard. Before he left, they ensured that he had all the correct legal documentation that would allow him to ‘exist’ in the United States. Or abroad, if he so chose.

As for material possessions, he had a house in the Hamptons, a spacious mansion in England, an island in the Caribbean, several cars and thousands of dollars worth of jewels. All inherited from the previous Defenders.

When Angel returned to the castle he was still in a state of shock. Shaken sheer amount of money he had at his disposal. If he had this much, just how much money did Xander possess as Guardian? He whimpered imagining Cordy’s reaction to the news.

But at the sound of masculine bellows of laughter coming from within his bedroom, he lost his stunned expression. A low growl coming from his throat at the distinctive smell of fried chicken and sour cream potato chips! Xander was NOT allowed to have those rich, fattening foods. It wasn’t good for the baby, and the boy damn well knew that!

Angel stormed into the room, a hard angry look on his face, all too ready to rip someone a new hole. Throat or ass, he didn’t care. He was initially unnoticed by the two laughing young men.

Slowly his thunderous look faded, and was replaced by one of puzzlement. He sniffed the air silently as he studied his mate. He smelled something that had been absent for so long that he forgot what it smelled like.

Xander was happy.

The boy was laughing and cheerfully arguing with Gunn. Not completely happy, of course, but it was there, hovering on the horizon…happiness.

Catching sight of him, Xander waved amiably to his mate. “Wassup, son!” He and Gunn giggled hysterically over his greeting. Angel frowned, his expression turning dark at the sight of the chicken bones, blue cheese, potato chips, coke cans, Doritos and other assorted junk littering the floor and coffee table.

“Xander…” he protested, waving a hand expressively at the mess. “For God’s sakes, you don’t need to eat that kinda shit. Especially not with you being pregnant and all! You need healthy organic food so the baby can come out hea…” his voice trailed off as the glow of happiness in Xander’s face vanished. It was almost like a light had been turned off, leaving the room somehow…dimmer.

There was a long moment of silence. Angel had the distinct feeling that he had done something wrong, but what? What did he say?

Rising easily to his feet, Gunn stretched lazily. “Later, Xan,” he said casually to the other boy as if nothing was wrong. Xander merely inclined his head, his face closed and withdrawn.

The large black youth strolled to the door. “For someone as old as you are, you sure are a damn fool,” he murmured sotto voice to Angel as he passed by the vampire.

Knowing he had done something wrong, but not understanding what, Angel chose to remain silent as he began cleaning up the room. Without a word, Xander picked up the mess on the coffee table and set it in his lap. Wheeling himself to the garbage can, he took his time about throwing away the forbidden feast.

“I’m sorry…” he said without turning around.

And he heard a sigh behind him. Strong hands gripped his chair and turned him around.

“I’m the one that should be sorry,” Angel replied softly. He crouched down and peered into Xander’s downcast face. “Hey, I forgot what you smell like when you’re happy. And you haven’t been happy for a very long time, have you?”

Xander shrugged dispiritedly, not having the right words to express himself.

Angel studied the boy’s closed face. He reviewed what happened. Xander was happy and laughing. A certain big-mouthed vampire had opened his mouth and…Angel’s eyes widened. The baby!

Thoughtfully he regarded Xander. “Cordy saw the cutest little baby shoes,” he tossed out experimentally and saw the minute twitch in the young man’s face. Standing up, he frowned at the top of Xander’s head. Swiftly recalling everything that happened since they found out about the pregnancy, then groaned silently. From the way he, Fred and Cordy talked, the only thing that existed WAS the baby!

“You know, I was thinking,” he said casually. “Why don’t you and I take a little drive later on tonight, maybe after sunset? We can stop at a restaurant on the way and have a little dinner,” he asked. Congratulating himself when Xander looked up, a shy look of pleasure in his dark eyes.

“For real…?”

“For real…” Angel promised. “Besides, wouldn’t you like to hear about my day at the lawyers’ office? And we can talk or not talk about anything you want.”

Xander nodded eagerly, his eyes becoming alight with happiness and determination. There would be NO talk of the baby!


Over the next several weeks, Gunn made repeated visits to play with Xander. Slowly, and with stubborn persistence, the young man wore a path into Xander’s life. Gunn’s visits were something he began to eagerly look forward to, the other boy knew how to have fun and talk to him.

Gunn held to the unspoken rules Xander unconsciously set forth in their friendship. Not once bringing up the dreaded subject of the child the boy was carrying.

But his ultimate goal was to get Xander outside, preferably on the beach. He was sure that fresh air, some sand and sun would go a long way to perking up the kid. Put some color in his cheeks. Finally, after days of talking, or as Xander called it, nagging, he finally managed to get the other boy to accompany him to the beach.

Taking beach chairs, an umbrella, towels and junk food as well as some of that healthy stuff that Angel forced on them, Gunn found a nice spot below. Setting everything out, he headed back to carry Xander to the primo location. Like everyone else, even Wesley when the problem was explained to him, they were all growing increasingly worried over Xander’s condition. Especially over the fact that now his hips couldn’t even sustain his weight any longer. He wasn’t able to walk. The other Guardians and Defenders didn’t have a clue over what was wrong and they were equally becoming worried.

The two young men lazed on the sand. Gunn slid a look at the other boy’s red face and frowned, eyeing Xander’s attire. The kid was way overdressed and he knew the reason why.

Xander hated it when people stared at his bulging belly. It made him feel even more self-conscious.

Gunn grinned; laughter sparkling in his eyes at the suspicious look the boy gave him.

“What…?” Xander asked aggressively, tugging at his size 4x plaid shirt. He gave his belly an angry look. No matter what he did, he couldn’t disguise the mound.

“You know what I’m really looking forward to when you have the baby?” Gunn said easily, ignoring the stiff look of betrayal on the other’s face. It had become sorta accepted that the word B-A-B-Y was not to be mentioned.

Xander sighed, a perfect day ruined. “What…?” he asked with strained patience.

“Angel changing the baby’s dirty diaper!” Gunn snickered, his eyes sparkling at Xander, inviting the other to share in the joke.

Xander blinked. That wasn’t what he was expecting. “Huh?”

“You know how sensitive his nose is…” Gunn sputtered, his eyes tearing up. Xander snickered, then giggled, his mind immediately conjuring up the scene. The horrified look that would be on Angel’s face made him laugh even harder.

“And…and…imagine if it’s a girl. What’s he gonna do when…she…starts…dating?” Gunn helplessly chortled. “He would probably answer the door in gameface!”

Xander guffawed loudly at that, holding his stomach to stop him from jiggling. “Or how about if it’s a boy teaching him to play baseball…?” That image was too much for Gunn. He rolled out of his chair and pounded his fist in the sand, screaming with laughter.

“How about if it’s a girl and he’s trying to teach her how to play football?” Gunn gasped out. “And he teaches her the European version instead of the American…”

Xander groaned. “Oh…no more…no more,” he managed to choke out.

“Oh, God…that was funny!” Gunn snickered, struggling back into his chair. Weak chuckles kept falling from their lips.

“Ya know, for the first time I think I can look forward to the baby,” Xander sighed breathlessly. He slowly sobered. “Ya knew, didn’t you? That I really wasn’t too thrilled about the kid.”

Gunn snorted. “You show me ONE man that would be thrilled about being pregnant and I’ll show you a damn fool!”

There was a quiet silence between the two as they listened to the waves.

“That’s not the worse of it,” Xander confessed softly. He didn’t look at Gunn. “In order to have the kid, I have to uhm…change.”

“Change…? Change how?”

In answer, Xander mutely pointed between his legs.

“Dude…!” Gunn said in horror, his eye darted disbelievingly to Xander’s drawn face.

“My dick is about an inch long right now, cuz I’m,” he swallowed hard, “Developing a vagina and other stuff,” he waved a hand expressively. “But, hey, at least I’m not growing breasts! I can just see me now, copping a feel of my own tits,” he added with gallow’s humor. But his eyes held a look of terrified darkness.

“Man, that ain’t even funny!” the black youth exclaimed with a shudder of revulsion. “Damn! That’s some messed up shit!”

“Tell me about. And everybody expects me to be happy…” Xander muttered resentfully.

They sat in contemplative silence again. Then in a mercurial mood change, Xander chuckled. “You know what? I just started thinking of Angel teaching our kid how to drive!”

“‘Brake! Brake for God’s sakes…!’” they both screamed in unison. They glanced at each other, then began howling with laughter. And for once, Xander found himself looking forward to the coming of the child. If only for the pleasure of watching Angel’s fumbling attempts. Ignoring for the moment that he had less experience than the vampire.

Gasping, Gunn leaned over. “You know somethin’? You ain’t even working your belly like you should, man. I bet we could even have Cordy jumping through hoops! Just think…”

They each dreamily contemplated that wondrous thought. Eyeing one another, they put their heads together and merrily plotted the downfall of a certain imperious young lady. Their laughter ringing out heartily every now and then as one outrageous idea after another popped in their heads.

Angel, watching them from the shelter of the balcony, had a tiny smile on his face. He glanced at Wes, standing by his side watching the two young men as well.

“Your Gunn is not only a lucky man, but a wise one as well,” he remarked quietly to the lanky English man.

Wesley nodded complacently. “I know, that’s why I married him!” At the shocked look in Angel’s eyes, he grinned impishly. Snickering as annoyed amusement flared in the dark gaze. “He’s a good man. Kind, patient and loving,” he said soberly. Then he hesitated. “I think I’m falling in love with him,” he added, sounding bewildered.

“Well, I don’t think you could do worse,” Angel said with a half-smile as he looked away. Unsure if he should be feeling upset, relieved or happy for Wes. At the laughter that came to his ears, he decided that it was happiness that he felt.


Hours later, and smiling widely, Gunn delivered Xander back to his waiting mate’s arms. He sauntered out, a secretive look on his face.

Angel was in so much trouble.

Part of his and Xander’s conversation on the beach lay with the fact that Angel wasn’t…
touching the boy anymore. Which was very bewildering to Xander. At first, they couldn’t get enough of each other, then WHAM! he gets knocked up and it’s ‘no-touchee Xander’!

Tactfully Gunn had restrained laughter and simply had pointed out that if Xander didn’t SAY anything, how the hell was Angel supposed to know what’s wrong?

“But I’ve been giving Angel the bat-signal!” Xander protested heatedly. “What the hell do I have to do? Take off my clothes, roll over him in my chair and accidentally ‘fall’ on him?! You think he’ll get the message then?” he asked sarcastically.

Gunn simply gave him a calm look, though inside he was dying with laughter. “Xander, we’re talking about Angel,” he said patiently.

Xander had deflated with a sigh. A weary, mournful expression on his face. “I forgot.” He looked away from Gunn. “I swear to God, I have NEVER been this horny in my life,” he said fervently, squirming in his chair. All this talk was only making him hornier.

“Have you tried, perhaps, a two-by-four? Or possibly throwing a brick at him that says ‘Fuck me, you big idiot!’?” Gunn inquired with a deadpanned expression.

They looked at each other and began giggling like loons. Each time their laughter died down, they would glance at one another and that was all it took to set them off.

Finally, they managed to get their mirth under control. “Heheheheh, look how long it took you to tell me what was bothering you,” Gunn had laughed breathlessly.

“I can’t just say I wanna jump your bones,” Xander had protested with a scandalized laugh.

Gunn had just looked at him, becoming serious. He raised a brow. “Why not…?”

Xander had looked startled, then thoughtful. He was pregnant and horny.

Very pregnant and extremely horny.

A dangerous combination for any man to be.

Slowly a look of grim resolve settled on his face. Angel was giving up the nookie tonight!


Angel eyed the charming smile on his mate’s face with misgiving, but half-way ignored it. Xander’s smile widened fractionally, a soft, hot darkness growing in the hooded look the boy sent him. Angel shivered, his body hardening before he suppressed the stirring. After the baby came…then they could get back to playing love games. Now was definitely not the time. Besides, Xander was pregnant for God’s sakes!

“Xander, uhm…why are you looking at me like…” Angel blinked, a faint quiver running through him when the boy peeked at him beneath those ridiculously long lashes. There was a hot, languorous look gleaming in those soft, shimmering eyes. He shifted uneasily on the bed, his pants becoming discomfortingly tight when Xander’s dark, scorching gaze seemed to caress him like a hand. He was hardly able to tear his eyes away from the boy’s face. Because of Xander’s hips paining the boy so much, their sex lives had practically ground to a halt and on the rare times when they did manage to get some time in, it was often hurried and, strangely enough, unsatisfying.

But now…and unconsciously he began to breathe rapidly, his eyes fixed helplessly on the boy’s mouth as a tender pink tongue swept out and licked the enticingly full bottom lip. He groaned hoarsely, unaware that he was leaning forward…closer to the tantalizing boy…closer still. Closing his eyes as a warm puff of air caressed his lips…

Moaning he fell ravenously on his mate, ravishing the flushed face with hot, sizzling kisses. He had a feeling that if he was left unsatisfied, he really needed to see a doctor because it wouldn’t be from a lack of effort and enthusiasm on either of their parts. What caused the change in Xander; he didn’t much know nor care. He just intended to reap the full benefits of an amorous, needy mate.


Several happy, naked hours later they reclined on the loungers on the balcony, having moved their amorous activities there. Spooned behind his lover, Angel idly stroked Xander’s rounded belly with cocoa butter. Cordy said it helped reduced stretch marks. He was still contently nestled in Xander’s ass. His boy could be very determined when he wanted something.

He kissed a sun-bronzed rounded shoulder tenderly, smiling at the quiver of response from Xander. He arched his hips without conscious thought when sleek walls rippled around his thrusting flesh. Angel muffled a groan of pleasure in Xander’s neck, pumping his stirring organ in its heated nest. He had forgotten how good it felt to be so deeply buried in his boy’s hungry sheath.

Xander twisted and pulled Angel’s head closer and kissed the cool lips lingeringly. Moaning at the increased fullness he felt in his bottom. Moaning when a delicate touch stroked feather-light between his legs. Abruptly he pulled back with wide eyes when Angel growled.

“Xtchaly…!”

Alarmed, Xander twisted back around and squeaked at the sight of the blue incubus, wickedly smiling. And long, indigo fingers were busy stoking between Xander’s thighs.

“Omigawd!” the young man squawked. Blushing a fiery red, he brushed the demon’s hand away and looked wildly around for something to cover himself up. Moaning, he found nothing so he used his hands. Mortified at his unclothed state and shamed at his dick’s tiny size, he closed his eyes. Fervently wishing for a black hole to disappear into.

Xtchaly smirked at the red-faced human and licked his fingers with hungry relish. “Brother,” he began, looking at Angel. “When your fifty years are up, don’t be surprised to walk into your bedroom to find your boy riding me.” His face was utterly serious when he spoke.

“Leave us!” Angel snarled furiously, his instincts screaming to get rid of this interloper. He pulled Xander tighter to him. Enraged at the thought of another making love to his mate. Why ever did he give into Xander’s desire to make love on the balcony he would never know. But no more! Especially not when he knew the other Guardians and Defenders had easy access to all public rooms. The only rooms in Casiwe that were sacrosanct were their bedroom and bathroom.

“Angel…” Xander protested faintly. His face tightening at the heavy weight of Angel’s fierce emotions pulled against his mental hold. His hips flared with searing pain and he gasped, gritting his teeth.

With gritted teeth, Angel reined in his temper, stroking his hand up and down Xander’s flank. Calming the boy, and incidentally, soothing his rioting temper.

“Fine…” Xtchaly sighed, seeing the pained tightness in the boy’s face. He gave a regretful, yet lascivious look at the sleek human and licked his lips slowly. Damn! It was going to be a long fifty years! He dissolved into dark, blue mist that flowed downwards, against the tile. Slowly seeping away.

Xander relaxed, feeling pleasure resume it’s slow winding course through his body. He removed the protective cover of his hands from his changing manhood. However, as soon as he did, Xtchaly’s head reformed. And burying it between the boy’s thighs, the sensuous demon placed a moist kiss on the tip of the beautiful, little cock. Merry laughter echoed as Xtchaly faded out at the squeak the boy gave.

Angel shook his head, amused despite himself, at the other demon’s propensity for sexual gratification. He gathered his lover in his arms and soothed his embarrassed mate with soft kisses and arousing touches. Releasing the panting boy who gazed at him with shy, amorous eyes. “Again…?” he teased gently.

Xander smiled, dropping his eyes, a slight blush tinting his cheeks. He nodded silently, as always, hesitant about vocally expressing his need. But in some cases, actions spoke louder than words. He pulled Angel down into a long, hard kiss that left them both gasping. Angel blinked and in a flash, he was off the lounger and carrying Xander back into their bedroom. Laying the flushed boy down and a pillow under the tossing hips, he was soon slickly buried and stroking slowly to a mind-shattering orgasm.

While they may have trouble communicating, at least in here…in Xander, he knew he belonged. Thrusting his way to heaven and carrying his boy along with him…


Gavin strode confidently along the halls of Wolfram and Hart, a smug smile on his lips when he met Lilah’s cold, haughty face. His smile broadening to a smirk when he saw the fury in her dark gaze. Manfully he restrained his desire to give her the bird. He had won after-all, not her. It was he, that Mr. Manners and the senior partner of Norwest and Eastsou wanted to see, something that she, with all her clever schemes, had yet to accomplish. He was in the big leagues now! He had at first felt a little trepidation, but then, what the hell could he be in trouble about? He had done nothing out of the ordinary.

Pausing outside Mr. Manners’ office, Gavin took a deep breath, composing his nerves. Knocking, then waiting until he was bided entrance before he opened the door and stepped through. He nodded politely to the two strangers sitting at an angle from Leland’s desk.

“You asked to see me Mr. Manner’s?” he raised a brow inquiringly as if he didn’t know who these gentlemen were. The grapevine in the office was extremely fast. He, just like everyone else, knew who they were the minute they stepped through the door.

Norwest and Eastsou.

A law firm that rumor insisted even the senior partners were careful to avoid coming into conflict with. N&H weren’t exactly Good, nor were they…like Wolfram and Hart. They simply were…Neutral one could say. Like the Guardians that they served. And no one wanted to piss off the Defenders of the Guardians. Warriors on both sides took extreme care that didn’t happen, though they didn’t know what to make of the law firm. Sometimes they aided and sometimes they were simultaneously both the rock and the hard place.

Inscrutable.

And while W&H would rather NOT contend with the law firm, however they would if they had too. But it had to be something absolutely, positively and totally to their benefit if they were to go head-to-head with them. The odds had to be indisputably in their favor for them to square off against Norwest and Eastsou. Even then they might hesitate to commit themselves.

The senior partners of W&H were no fools, nor had they lived this long to needlessly waste valuable time and resources in a battle they couldn’t win. They were out to win the war, not individual battles. They would work around the other law firm to achieve their ends.

Leland gazed blandly at the young Asian lawyer, his deadly fury hidden behind his mask of cool composure. He was still undecided whether to toss the boy to the dogs or keep Gavin. Faintly he felt disappointed at his once most promising protégés. When Lindsay had left, he had wondered wherever he would find a suitable foil for Lilah’s rapacious ambition. An interloper that she would turn her enormous energies towards pitting her formidable will against in an effort to preserve her territory. Otherwise, he would more than likely be forced to terminate her…with extreme prejudice. A matter he was loath to do. He had a grudging fondness for the tenacious iron-willed ice-bitch. She would make a formidable President of Wolfram and Hart. Unfortunately, he had no intention of relinquishing his position. And he knew that if left without someone to distract her, Lilah would turn her attention towards him. And sooner or later, one of them would lose their heads.

“Gavin, allow me to introduce you to Jason-Lee Phillip and Roger Thomas,” Leland said coolly, his eyes mindful of the gleam of shrewdness in Gavin’s eyes. But at the ambitiousness in the young man’s eyes, he mentally shook his head and vowed to find someone else to pit against Lilah. Gavin, he was certain, would be ground beneath the woman’s spiky heel in her relentless quest for the top.

Gavin smiled with just the right hint of reserve and enthusiasm. “Jason, Roger, pleased to meet you,” he nodded to the two men. Treating them as his contemporaries.

“I’m afraid you have my name backwards,” Phillip said a definite formality in his tone and bearing as he narrowed his eyes at the man. “Much like my Asian family, my name is pronounced last name first. So in reality, my name is Phillip Jason-Lee,” he finished coolly. Hardly blinking as the man flushed in embarrassment.

“My apologies, Mr. Jason-Lee, Mr. Roger.” Gavin had lost all expression at the hint of reproof in the man’s voice.

“Actually,” Roger drawled with a noticeable pause. “I’m an American, born and bred in the good ol’ USA! Thomas is my last name,” he finished with a slight inclination of his head.

The young man closed his eyes in a mute bid for strength and ground his teeth. “Again, I apologize,” he said, withdrawing into formality.

The two men nodded pleasantly.

“Gavin, the reason why I asked you here is because Jason-Lee and Thomas were interested in a ‘house-call’ you made a several weeks ago,” Leland stated quietly, leaning back in his chair. Idly he tapped a pen on his desk, the very appearance of casualness.

Gavin’s brow furrowed as he racked his brains, struggling to recall what visit he had paid to various houses he had visited that would warrant the attention of Norwest and Eastsou.

“Mr. Manners, sir…honestly I can’t recall whose home I visited that would interest you,” he said apologetically, turning his attention to the other two men. “I mean, I remember having da brief chat with one of Angel’s people, some chubby kid,” he smirked. “Looks like Angel’s scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one but…” and he broke off when the two men’s eyes narrowed.

“You mean Angel…?” he stood up straighter, proud that his efforts had garnered the attention of these worthy individuals. Who knew, if he played his cards right he could swing a nice deal with their company.

“Yes…” Leland drawled out, his hand tightening on his pen. That damn stupid fool!

“Hmmm, the vampire with a soul,” Gavin said in aside to the other two men.

“We know…” Phillip said coldly. Reaching into his breast pocket he pulled out a sheaf of papers and tossed them on Leland’s desk. “You will find all his necessary documents in those papers. Copies of his Social Security card, his license to operate a detective agency, as well as licenses for all of his people. As we told Manners, should it come to our attention that any further actions on your part are personally hindering our client, we will bring the full resources of Norwest and Eastsou to bear on Wolfram and Hart.”

Gavin goggled. “But…but…” ‘Why’ was silently wailed in the quiet room.

Phillip and Roger stood up. “Because he is the latest incarnation of Defender of the West. Good day to you gentlemen.” They smoothly walked out the door, leaving a one very stunned lawyer goggling at their backs.

Leland eyed the whey-faced Gavin turned on him with withering scorn. “You blistering idiot!”


As the days passed Xander turned his attention inward, seeking hard within himself to find some measure of happiness in the unnatural conception of the child he carried. Instead of silently railing and resenting his changed state, he looked for something about the child that he could look forward to.

Slowly memories of happier times with Willow and Jesse began forming in his mind. Endless discussions with Willow about how they would treat THEIR children. Though only he and Willow found fault with their parents, she with her parents cool distance and he of his father’s abusiveness and mother’s ineffectualness. Looking at the enviable bond between Jesse’ and his parents, they knew there were something wrong in their households. While his father no longer physically hit him, mindful of the threat of the picture hanging over his head. However, the older Harris man had no compunction about using the vitriol of his words to accomplish the same trick, that of beating his son down. And his words struck with a searing, biting cruelty often worse than fists or a ruthlessly welded belt. The older man’s words attacked his son’s soul.

But looking at Jesse’ parents, the two children had agreed, that’s who they wanted to be like. Oh, sure Jesse’ got yelled at and punished when he did something boneheaded, but he was loved. He got kisses, hugs and soft loving touches. Not harsh words or disapproving silence.

Xander set his mind to strive to be like Jesse’s dad. The child he carried didn’t have a choice in its conception, and shouldn’t be resented by one of its parents.

Tentatively at first, then more frequently as it became easier, he began talking to his unborn child. Sharing his views on life in general, the joy and fun he had being one of the Slayer’s sidekicks. Even about Willow. And in telling stories of her, his last link to childhood, he slowly came to terms with her death.

Talking so much, almost without him being aware of it, Xander found that he was actually starting to look forward to meeting the child he carried. He had so many plans for the future, so many wonderful things he wanted to share. He wanted to experience the joy of teaching his child the proper way to eat a Twinkie, to discuss the serious subject of chocolate and the numerous brands out there. He wanted to show his son or daughter the proper way to eat an Oreo. He wanted to feel a soft hand clasping his, and know that in those innocent eyes, untainted by reality, he was truly the most powerful being on the face of the earth.

And in acceptance, to his pleased surprise, he found the aches and pains of his body’s physical changes decreasing. By consciously accepting what was to be, his mind abandoned the war and allowed his body to change into the shape needed for the birth of the child. While he still had his days of doubts, for the most part, he found an inner acceptance.

Peace.

* * *

Reclining on a nice sturdy chair, in one of the several, increasingly sure, walks he had begun making under his own power, Xander watched the surging tide. Feeling mellow and almost tranquil, freeing his mind up to simply flow without conscious thought or prompting from him.

The grief he felt over Willow’s death was still with him, and he suspected that it would never leave him. But it no longer threw him into a crying jag, which he firmly blamed on the hormones that were raging though him. Pain of her death was still there but tolerable.

He was almost ready to ‘let’ her go, place her in the same place he kept memories of Jesse. He was ready to move on and focus on fixing his own self.

He had made his share of mistakes, but Angel’s arguments were pretty convincing, he thought ruefully. His vampire told him often enough that he couldn’t accept all the blame. Only one brooding male was allowed in the family and Angel was stubbornly insistent that Xander was incapable of brooding correctly.

“Angel told me I’d find you out here. Thought we might have a chance to talk,” came a quiet voice.

Xander turned and gave Cordy a smile as she strolled up to him. Then he gave her a pointed look. “You just wanted to show off that itty-bitty thing that you mistakenly call bikini,” he snorted amusedly.

“Whatever,” she retorted amicably, carelessly shrugging one shapely shoulder. She looked good and she knew it. So why not let everybody enjoy the view?

Spreading her blanket, she sprawled with studied ease. Instinctively choosing the best pose to show off her considerable assets.

Together they sat in silence, studying the waves. “You ever thought about your life? I mean, did you ever imagine you would end up…here?”

“What do you mean? Gay, pregnant, married to a vampire and one of four powerful godlike beings in the world?” Xander asked, looking down at her.

Giving him an incredulous look, she drawled amusedly, “Like, no…” Her expression turned serious. “I mean, changing your opinion about Angel. There was a time when you used to think him below contempt. He was evil, undead. A walking corpse, you used to say.”

The young man returned his attention back to the surging sea. “Yeah, well, people have to grow up sometimes,” he replied shortly. “It wasn’t overnight, my change of opinion, ya know. But slowly I started seeing that all demons weren’t bad. Like, just because somebody’s human doesn’t automatically qualify them as ‘the good guys’; it’s the same with demons. Everybody’s different. ‘Sides, what kinda of idiot do you think I would be if I held onto the same crazy-ass opinions throughout my life?” he snorted. “I may not be the swiftest thinker in the bunch but I can think, I can see, and I can change.”

Cordy sighed, leaning back on her braced arms. “So, you like Angel, huh? I mean, really really like him?” she asked softly without looking at Xander.

“If you mean, like am I in love with him, the answer is no,” he replied equally quietly. “But I do like him,” he said, almost to himself. “It’s kinda hard not to…respect him. I mean, I’m like, walking in his shoes right now. And Angel’s got some damn big feet,” he said half-jokingly, but there was a definite note of seriousness in his voice that caused the young Seer to look at him searchingly. Unexpectedly he blushed and looked away from her probing eyes.

She looked away with a hidden smile of relief. Both of her two friends needed someone to love them for who they were. And considering that they were about to bring a child into this world, she hoped that they would find solace in each other. If you looked closely, you could almost see the invisible strings connecting the two.

Maybe that’s why the pairbond was for fifty years, she mused thoughtfully. The pair had to either find some balance in their lives that allowed them to live and function like a unit, or they simply didn’t. But fifty years was a loooong time not to find something to like about someone that was sharing your bed, body and life.

“So, is it true what they say about men with big feet…?” she replied idly, a tiny smirk on her face.

He choked, his face turning red again. “Why don’t you ask Wesley or Gunn?” he gasped looking at her in astonishment.

Cordy smirked. “Cause they won’t blush like you….’sides, Gunn’ll probably smack me,” she said ruefully.

There was a quiet contented silence between them. “You know, I use to rag on her all the time about her ‘tude and stuff. But since I started working for Angel, then became his Seer, I realize that for such a tiny, insignificant person, especially compared to me, Buffy’s got a huge, freaking pair of Manolo Blahnik’s,” she remarked in grudging admiration.

“She always has,” he replied softly, looking down at the dark-haired girl knowing how hard it was for her to admit that.

“‘Course, if you ever tell Buffy I said that about her, as soon as the baby is born, I’ll beat the living shit out of you,” Cordy remarked idly without turning her attention from the beautiful blue waters.

“Kinda figured as much,” Xander murmured ruefully, returning his gaze to the sea. Losing his mind in the seething waves. His thoughts running free and clear.

And troubling.

There was something dark looming on the horizon of his mind. It wasn’t quite clear, but every time he tried to grasp it, it irritatingly vanished. He had the annoying feeling that he was missing something important. A vitally important clue.

However, he had patience. It would come to him. Hopefully it wouldn’t be too late, he silently prayed.


Slowly Xander hung up the phone from a long conversation with Giles. While things were becoming easier between him and the older man, Buffy refused to talk to him. But that wasn’t what was bothering him. According to Giles, Dawn was starting to cut up at home and in school. This wasn’t the first time the older man had let slip about Dawn acting up, however, Giles had always passed it off as youthful spirits.

But this time, there was something in the man’s voice that had caused a ripple of unease in Xander’s mind when they began talking about the young teen. And a few seemingly, innocuous questions later he was now in possession of more information about the younger Summers’ girl that had his wiggins ‘o-meter spinning.

Reading between the lines, if he understood matters correctly, apparently Dawnie was getting into fights at school, lashing out at Buffy, Giles, Anya and even Tara who had joined the group of do-gooders. What was even more disturbing, from what Giles finally admitted, was Dawn had even lashed out at Spike. Even going so far as to attack the vampire, figuring he couldn’t hit her back.

Xander wasn’t too surprised to find that Spike had knocked Dawn on her ass in retaliation. Clearly the chip wasn’t working any more. And he knew just who to look to for that medical mystery.

He sighed, turning to go into the kitchen for some thinking food.

This was a job for SuperChocolate and Golden Twinkies!


Coming into the lobby later that night, Angel and the others were greeted by the sight of numerous bowls of ice cream on the floor. Jadarians were all over, eagerly consuming their cold confection. The backdrop of their happy purring filled the lobby.

Xander sat in the middle, staring into space. Absently stroking a sleeping kitten on his shoulder.

Wesley eyed the large, cat-like creatures nervously. He and Cordy were the only ones that had the least dealings with the Jardarians. Cordy simply stalked forward, knowing they would move out of her way.

Cats recognized a bitch when they saw one.

“Angel…” Xander began easily. “We need to get the Scoobies here, in the hotel.” There was a dark, contemplative look in Xander’s eyes that made Angel stiffen, and draw himself up to his full, commanding height. Though the others saw only Xander sitting there, he saw the Guardian riding in his mate’s eyes. And in response, Angel’s eyes deepened, shifted becoming solid gold. Even the Jardarians looked up, softly growling as the atmosphere in the lobby changed.

And it was as Defender that Angel answered. “When and how soon?”

Cordy eyed the two men, feeling as if a different language was being spoken.

“As soon as possible…” the boy replied. The moment past, and he knew his orders would be followed, Xander tried to struggle to his feet, and Angel was there to help him up. The young man grumbled softly and the vampire just smiled.

Xander looked at the rest of the crew, his eyes widening at the dirt and gore liberally covering the people. He giggled softly, trying to muffle his laughter. But it was like trying to put a cap on a frothing bottle of champagne.

Lime-green slime, day-glo red and pus yellow on Cordy just didn’t do the girl justice, he decided. Especially not with that dark, green mini-skirt outfit she was wearing.

“What…?” Cordy demanded irritably when everyone seemed to be looking at her. “What…?!” she growled.

Everyone chose to remain silent. Exchanging glances, they slowly eased away from her. While they looked bad, she looked worse.

Much, much worse.

Cordy looked like she frightened babies for a living. Her short, dark locks were sticking straight up in the air. A blotch of red and a streak of yellow were splashed across her forehead and matted in her hair. She was liberally covered in the three different colors. All of them clashing horribly with each other. She looked like a clown on a bad hair day.

Cordy took off her new kicks and examined the broken heel of her right shoe in furious disgust.

*“PrettyCor-dee,”* said one of the kittens. He had an admiring tone in his audible mental voice. A chorus of voices proclaimed their delight at the girl’s appearance.

Subtly Angel gathered Xander to him and eased away. Wes and Gunn were making tracks out the door, while Fred took off up the stairs.

Cordy’s face softened, and she preened slightly, unnoticing the others running away.

*“Yes, like clown,”* added another kitten happily. *“But where red nose?”* it asked puzzledly, its’ head tilted as it peered at her.

The Seer’s face hardened. “ANGEL…!” she screamed. “I’m so gonna figure out a way to make you human just so I can KILL YOU!” She stormed up the stairs, deadly intent etched on her face.

Angel glanced wild-eyed at Xander’s laughing face and hurried them faster to the security of their castle. Yelling for Casiwe not to let the raging dynamo into the castle no matter what!

It was going to take something big to alleviate the girl’s angry feeling of humiliation. Fortunately, Angel now had enough money to virtually guarantee himself a troubled free existence with Cordelia Chase.

* * *

Getting the Sunnydalers to come to L.A. took very little trouble.


Buffy and the others found themselves in a losing battle against a diabolical foe. Nothing they did seemed to put a dint in the hide of the m’Doth demon. So, bitterly the Slayer did what any sensible commander would do: she gathered her people and made a hasty retreat to the Magic Box.

They did as they always did, hit the books like crazy. However, to their dismay nothing in Giles books nor his various contacts had anything that could be of help. The only thing the exhausted researchers could find was a vague reference to an ancient tome called the Book of Dread Conjuration. But as far as Giles knew, and Anya for that matter, that book had been lost thousands of years ago. But to their vast relief, Tara came across a brief passage that referred to the Neomocrout. And while it wasn’t the Book of Dread Conjuration, it might be of some help.

The unfortunate part was…he didn’t have it.

Meeting Buffy’s suddenly blank eyes, Giles closed his eyes and sighed. Getting up with a vague murmur, he strode over to the telephone and dialed a well familiar number with steady fingers. Ignoring for the moment, Dawn’s angry exclamation when he spoke.

“Hello, Ethan…”

“Rupert…” the other replied neutrally and Giles’ winced slightly, a pained look coming in his eyes. Despite the abbreviated talks they had, he knew the other wasn’t quite ready to forgive him for acting like a singularly, bloody idiot. He should have had more faith in Eth, he should have tried to listen, to understand.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda as Xander liked to say.

But Giles at that time didn’t have that kind of faith to believe in that tiny spark of goodness in his former friend. And lover. What had initially drawn him to Ethan should have kept him with the man. Helping him be strong, to fight the darkness within. They had been friends long before they became lovers.

And the bond of friendship, at the very least, should have kept him there.

But to his shame, he had fled with no thought of lover and friend. Only thoughts for saving his own soul consumed him. And in running, he had left Ethan behind. To fail or succeed on his own.

The silence on the other end lasting too long, Ethan’s face hardened. He had no intention of rehashing old wounds with the other. For that’s all that they seemed capable of doing these days. Argue and call each other names. So to avoid another row, he calmly handed the phone to Cordy, with a slight smile and hastily left the building.

“Hello…” Cordy said into the receiver. She had a puzzled frown on her face.

“Cordy…?” Giles asked, startled.

“Yeah…” came an impatient huff.

Giles mouth twisted ruefully. Looks like Ethan was as tired of arguing as he. But why did they have to argue so much? he wondered in dismay. Because it’s the only way you can get behind that polite facade he shows to you, whispered a small voice. And struck by that realization, he fell silent.

“Helllllloooo…Giles, you may feel like you have all day, but I have a hair appointment and then some major shopping to put in about 30 minutes,” Cordy said as pleasantly as possible.

“Sorry,” he said in a brief apology. “We’re having a bit of a situation here,” Spike rolled his eyes at that understatement, “And I was wondering if I may speak with Wesley or Angel?”

He held the phone from his ear when Cordy shouted for Angel.

Buffy and Spike shared a brief grin at the bellow that issued from the phone.

“Ah, Angel, have you ever heard of a book called Neomocrout?” Giles asked quietly when the vampire came on the other end.

In L.A. Angel’s brows raised. “How do you spell that…?” he asked briskly, typing the name into the computer that was somehow linked to the computers in the Library. How they had done it, he had no idea nor was he going to think about it, he thought firmly. It was done; it was there that was all he felt he needed to know. They were a progressive and technological bunch of demons, he thought of the scholars with a brief grin.

Reading the query, he replied that, yes they had the book. “Did you need it?” he said blandly, leaning back in his office chair, looking up when Xander came swaying into the room. Keeping his disapproval to a minimum at the amount of food Gunn had piled on the boy’s plate.

Gunn was an even bigger mother hen than Ethan. The large black youth even went so far as to accuse him of starving Xander. Yelling at him that ‘the poor kid was becoming nothing but sticks and bones’.

Naturally Xander had lapped it up, Angel thought sourly. After all, he got a bunch of people that jumped to his every bidding. One look from those soft, puppy eyes and even Cordy was doing cartwheels to appease him. Getting up at 1 am in the morning to do a snack run for Xander when he was in the mood for one of Momma Rosa’s pizzas.

However, his disapproval was offset by his wonder at how incredibly cute…no, Xander was beautiful…his mate looked pregnant. His face softly fleshed out, his arms and legs gently plump. Eight months pregnant and he thought Xander was the most beautiful creature in all of creation in his hugely pregnant state.

Not that he would ever say anything to the boy, he wasn’t that crazy! Xander would more than likely pick up the computer and bash his head in, Angel thought quite accurately. It was either that or gaze at him with huge, wounded eyes before quietly disappearing for a while. The first and last time Angel had did that, he was sure that everyone was grimly sharpening stakes to use on his hide.

It took him three hours to locate his mate. Nothing was said, but he saw the suspiciously red eyes and smelled the distinct tang of salt in the air. Coaxing his mate back to the castle, Angel made sure they spent the entire day on the beach, just walking and allowing the ocean breeze to blow away the dismal mood.

He was much more careful of upsetting Xander after that, and if he did inadvertently say something that Xander took offense, he refused to allow his boy to retreat from him. They sat and talked, him explaining his side and Xander explaining his feeling. It was difficult, to say the least, because neither of them were used to exposing their feelings to another. After all, neither had changed their sexual gender. Despite the changes taking place in Xander’s body, he was still very much a male, no matter the female parts he found himself with. They were both still men and, as a general rule of thumb, men just didn’t share their feelings. It was part of some unwritten rule that was imbedded in male babies genes.

Turning his attention back to the phone, Angel heard Giles sigh of relief.

The ex-Watcher’s tensed shoulders relaxed. “Dear lord, yes…!” Giles exclaimed enthusiastically, turning to flash a pleased smile at Buffy. “There’s a m’Doth demon in Sunnydale that we’re unable to even remotely put a dent in its’ hide. That book would be an invaluable boon!”

As the man was blathering on, Angel was busy typing in various commands on the computer, querying it about m’Doth demons and what was needed to defeat one. One query led him to the next and to a new source of information.

Xander pulled up a chair next to Angel, resting his plate on the side of the desk as he watched intently what his lover was doing. He knew better than to put his greasy fingers on the keyboard, no matter how annoying Angel’s one-fingered typing was bugging the hell out of him.

At Xander’s wince, Angel absently caressed the boy’s belly, gently urging one of the children away from an increasingly tender area. They were having twins! A fact that still had the ability to floor him.

“I would think the Book of Dread Conjuration would be much better,” Angel interrupted Giles to interject his comment. “It’s got much more information in it about m’Doth demons,” he added. Actually he didn’t think the Neomocrout would do much other than temporarily banish the m’Doth from Sunnydale. What they needed was something that would permanently get rid of it.

“Of course it would and I, and I’m quite sure a number of other people, would give their right arms for that book, but,” and here Giles sighed forlornly, “It’s been either lost or destroyed. Either way, no one’s seen it for over a thousand years.” There was infinite regret in his voice.

Xander blinked, slid a glance at Angel’s suddenly cold and ruthless face. Then he looked back at the computer screen, nervously nibbling on a Buffalo wings. He almost regretted the fact that he needed the Scoobies here. He hated when Angel got all icy and hard. He knew it was necessary, but still he hated it.

“We have it…” the vampire said softly.

“Excuse me…?” Giles responded politely, but his heart started beating rapidly.

“I said we, or rather Xander has the Book of Dread Conjuration in his Library,” Angel said with infinite mildness. But his eyes were blazing, a hard smile on his face.

“Dear Lord…” the English man whispered faintly, his face flushing. Something close to lust flashed in his eyes. Then he frowned. “Xander has the book?”

“Yes…in his position as Guardian of the West, he has a vast Library. You should see it. There’s about four or five floors of nothing but books, books and more books.” Angel’s voice was that of sensuous seduction as he spoke, he well knew the ex-Watcher’s passion for books.

Buffy looked alarmed as Giles seemed to pale and sway. Spike raised an interested brow at the scent that poured off the man. If he didn’t know better he would have thought old Rupes was about to cream in his pants.

“But if you want the book, I’m afraid there are…terms you’ll have to meet,” Angel continued with dark, silky smoothness. He brushed his hand absently over Xander’s head, smiling faintly when his boy nestled closer to him.

“If you want the book you have to come to L.A. for it. All of you have to come. From you on down to Dawn, or you’re on your own.” Angel spoke absently now, blandly ignoring the sputtering that issued from the phone as he stroked his lover’s head. Brushing a kiss on the upturned lips, he smiled softly.

“WHAT…?!” Giles yelped, his eyes widening with shock, his hand tightening on the phone.

Xander sighed, leaning heavily against Angel. He hated when Angel got all growly and Angeluslike, fortunately he had a secret weapon to combat that. He patted his tummy fondly, then laughing quietly at the reassuring kick he felt.

Distracted, Angel smiled at his mate. Touching the mound, he was always charmed at the vigorous movements he could feel and see just under Xander’s skin.

Buffy snatched the phone from Giles’ weak grip. “Angel…what the hell did you say to him?” she growled angrily on the phone. When she saw that look on Giles’ face, she knew it was bad news especially he started making that putt-putt noise.

“I merely said that if Giles wants our help, in particular, the Book of Dread Conjuration you all must come to L.A.,” Angel said pleasantly in her ear, gently stroking Xander’s belly. “Since Muhammad can’t come to the mountain, the mountain must come to Muhammad,” he added enigmatically. He tossed a teasing grin at the annoyed frown Xander gave him. The boy rolled his eyes exasperatedly at Angel’s cryptic words.

At the other end, Buffy scowled, looking at the sullen face of her younger sister. But secretly she was pleased. If it wasn’t for Dawn constantly throwing a fit every time Xander’s name was mentioned she would have been up to see him. If only to yell and scream at him, before falling into his arms and crying her eyes out. But it was like Dawn had some kinda sixth sense when she knew her sister was thinking about Willow or Xander. Whining one minute about what they did and then raging the next minute that obviously Buffy didn’t give a damn about her. Yelling that maybe Buffy should have let the Shadow Queen kill her or even Glory.

This naturally would be followed by either the bedroom door slamming or the front door if Dawn stormed out of the house. Each time Buffy sent up a silent prayer of thankfulness to their mother. Grateful beyond belief that her mother never once tried to smother HER in her sleep whenever she pulled the same dumbass stunts that Dawn did. As always, she was astounded by her mother’s forbearance during her teen years, because God knew, her mother had ample cause strangle her in her sleep.

Teenage angst and the shadows had changed Dawn. Her eyes drifted over Tara and Anya. Had changed them all.

Anya had become so much quieter over the past several months, each day quieter and quieter. No longer did she chatter almost mindlessly about anything and everything. Now it was almost like she carefully thought about what she was going to say, before she allowed the words to slip past her lips. There were things, feelings and ideas going on within the former vengeance demon’s mind. Dark thoughts were hiding. And if you looked at her closely, you could almost SEE the shape of her thoughts.

And Tara…she had changed the most. No longer quite as shy and quiet as before. The shrinking violet was gone. Though still quiet, Tara didn’t hesitate to voice her opinions if she disagreed with the consensus opinion. If it pissed Giles, or even Spike off, judging by her calm, waiting expression, she didn’t care. And sometimes, Buffy often thought she detected a challenging look in the other girl’s eyes. A dark, contemplative look when Tara happened to glance at her. Almost like the other blonde girl was weighing her, judging her by her actions and words.

Mentally Buffy shook off her pensive mood, aware that they were gazing at her. Waiting for her to make a decision. For good or ill. But her decision had already been made. Now, she had an excuse to go to L.A.

If Giles’ sources were right, the answer to defeating the m’Doth was in the Book of Dread Conjuration. And if they didn’t get that book, a whole bunch of people were going to die horribly. That included yours truly, Buffy thought grimly. Because she would most definitely be the first casualty, if she had anything to say about it.

“We’ll be there…” she announced shortly and slammed the phone down. She turned to the group, eyeing them with hard eyes. Her eyes narrowing particularly on Spike’s cold, withdrawn face. And she hid a sigh, ironically amused to note that she actually missed the old snarky, in-your-face Spike. Buffy frowned slightly at the blatantly obvious distance Dawn maintained between her and her one-time crush and all around big brother. The situation between those two was getting worse and worser.

God, she wished Xander was here to put things in perspective!

And for a second, felt grief squeeze her heart.

“Listen up, I have no intention of listening to anything but ‘Yes Buffy’ when I tell you that we are all heading up to L.A. tonight,” she stated coldly, hardening her heart against the wounded, disbelieving look in Dawn’s eyes.

Tara and Anya exchanged glances, then nodded without saying a word, a pinched look appearing on the blonde witch’s face.

“You all know what we’re up against, and if the price Angel demanded has us parading naked through the streets then I’ll be the first to have my clothes off,” Buffy said in a voice of iron.

“I think we already know how fast you’ll be taking off your clothes for Angel,” Dawn sneered nastily. Then gasped, her left cheek exploding with pain. Holding her cheek, the teen stared at her sister in dumb astonishment.

“You hit me…!”

“And I’ll hit you again if you EVER talk to me that way again,” Buffy warned the shaken young girl grimly. “For three months, I’ve put up with your funky attitude and shitty remarks. It ends NOW.”

Dawn jumped to her feet, her face darkening in rage. “After what they did to me, you expect me to look that bastard in the eye?! Pretend like nothing happened?! Maybe you’re capable of being that oblivious, but I’m not,” the younger Summers’ girl hissed, glaring angrily at her sister.

Buffy eyed her sister. “I’m gonna tell you what a wise woman once told me,” she said quietly. “GET OVER IT!”

Dawn’s face hardened, her eyes swimming with hate. “I am not going,” she stated without a visible show of emotion.

Her sister eyed her sadly, a look of resignation on her face. “Is that your final word?” Buffy asked quietly.

The younger girl pretended to think. “Yes, Regis, that is my final answer,” she intoned with mock solemnity, a smirk on her youthful face. “See ya,” tossing off a crisp, mock salute, knowing she had won.

“Fine…” Buffy shrugged tiredly. “Spike…”

Dawn whirled around, only to meet Spike’s fist in her jaw.

“Cor…I’ve been wantin’ ta do that for weeks,” he breathed, quickly catching the unconscious girl in his arms. Lately she had been making him twitch and he was hard pressed not to simply sink his fangs in her neck and drain her.

“Yeah, you and me both,” Anya sighed enviously. She perked up, eyeing the unconscious girl thoughtfully. “Perhaps I can hit her now?” she asked hopefully. But at Giles’ annoyed glare, she slumped back in her seat. “Well, it’s not like she’ll FEEL it!” she muttered under her breath.

Spike and Buffy shared twin looks of amusement before looking hastily away.

“Well, let’s get the hell out of here. The sooner we get what we need from Angel, the quicker we can get back home.” Buffy swallowed hard, meeting Giles eyes. There was a pained smile on her face at the look of approval in his eyes. Then her eyes turned to Dawn dangling in Spike’s arms, and she bit her lip anxiously but squared her shoulders. She loved her sister to death, but she was the Slayer. Plus things needed to be settled between her and Xander. This distance between them had gone on long enough. She needed answers, answers that only Xander could provide

On the way to L.A. Buffy sat silently in the car, thinking and pointedly ignoring Dawn’s hostile glares.

After the Shadow Queen had been kicked to the curb, and despite her preoccupation to kill Ethan, she had noted the protective way Angel was cradling Xander in his arms. To say that she had been shocked probably would have been the understatement of the year. Sorta like saying the new Prada line was expensive as hell. And she wondered, but that was knocked out of her mind by the revelation that Spike and Xander were or had been lovers. That was almost enough to send her reeling to the floor.

Xander was gay! And with Spike! Holy Elton John and when the hell did it happen?! And why the hell didn’t he tell her, she groused silently. Oh, yeah, I forgot…I was possessed by shadows, she thought guiltily.

But looking back, looking past the insults and poor attempts at biting humor between the two, there must have been something there for them to build on. Some half-felt attraction between the snarky blonde and Xander. To her surprise, it wasn’t disgust that she had felt, but a sense of…rightness.

After he had recovered from physically being split apart, she had fully expected the bleached blonde to either disappear forever or return from L.A. with Xander in tow. But he had done neither. She actually had to carry him back to his crypt after finding him on one of her patrols, sprawled on the ground in a drunken stupor.

Surreptitiously she began keeping an eye on him, keeping his refrigerator stocked with enough blood, and watering down his bottles of Jack Daniels. Hoping he would sober up without her needing to get too much more involved. Besides, she knew Xander had a distinct phobia when people drank too much. She wanted everything to be okay when he came home. Because he was coming home. He was just scared. Like she had been when she ran away. But he should know that after all the yelling and screaming was done, things could get sorta back to normal. Refusing to think about why Spike was acting like he had lost everything he had in the world.

Buffy ruminated on the surprising news that Spike had let slip in one of his drunken rants.

Angel and Xander.

Together.

Now what were the odds on THAT happening?

Slim…

…and none.

Christ, what a goddamn mess!

“Hey, you gonna be okay?” she said quietly to the vampire in the rented SUV. She kept her voice to a soft whisper as she looked out the window on her side. They were sitting in the middle seat, while Anya sat with Dawn, calmly filing her nails and ignoring the fuming teen.

Spike shot Buffy a surprised glance, his brow rising in cool inquiry. “Wot’s that ya sayin’, luv?” he asked.

Buffy didn’t look at him, turning to look at the back of Tara’s head. “Will you be all right? I mean…with Xander and uhm…” now she glanced up at him.

Spike’s glacial eyes resembled chips of ice, and sparkled with malice. He mistook her concern for fear that he and Xander would resume their feigned petty bickering. And he wanted to strike back at her. “Did I forget to mention that your precious Angel is shagging Xander?” he whispered mockingly. His eyes glittered with spiteful intent in the darkness.

And he smirked at the pain that flashed across her face when she turned to face him.

Buffy took a deep breath. “Spike, I know…I know about you and Xander. I also know about Angel and Xander. So I’m asking you, are you okay? Would you rather not have come with us? I shouldn’t have automatically assumed that you would be happy to return to L.A.”

Spike stilled at her words. His head tilted curiously as oncoming cars briefly lit her face. His eyes narrowing thoughtfully, reading the concern reflected in her eyes.

“Ya want him back, doncha?” He asked quietly, turning and flashing an icy glare when he sensed movement in the seat behind them. Dawn sat back hastily, looking away and pretending disinterest. Silently cursing a blue streak at being unable to hear their conversation.

“Angel?” Buffy asked in surprise.

Spike rolled his eyes impatiently. “No…Xander. Despite wot lil’ bitch back there says, ya want him back, doncha?”

Buffy dropped her eyes, hesitating, and slowly she nodded. “No matter how badly I’ve acted, both him and Willow’s been there for me. Loving me, forgiving me. No matter what. There’s been only four people I’ve ALWAYS known I could count on to love me, and keep me straight. I don’t…I’m not the type to make friends, real friends easily. Ya know, what with all that Slayer secrecy thingie,” she said vaguely. “But Xander and Willow, they’ve known and helped me. They’ve kept me grounded,” she continued in an earnest whisper.

“You remember what you said about Slayers? About how they always seek death? Well, I don’t, I didn’t. Because I had four of the strongest ropes holding me, tying me to life. My mom, Giles, Willow and Xander. They kept me grounded, constantly calling me home. They were my connection to life and they held me from death. And now, I don’t have my mom, Willow or Xander to help Giles keep me here.” She looked away from his sharp probing eyes.

Studying the darkness outside her window for a few moment, then she turned back to him. “But right now, I feel like I just had my eyes poked out and my ears punctured. I feel like there’s this dark crazy-ass storm heading directly towards me, and I can’t see a damn thing. And I’m scared that this time, there’ll be no coming back for me.” Although Buffy’s face was composed and her voice steady as she spoke, Spike saw the bone-deep terror in her eyes.

He shuddered; remembering the dreams of being surrounded as huge ravenous teeth nipped at him from the shadows. Death was all around him…Tara, Anya and Rupert were all lying broken in the stillness of death. And the Slayer was standing right in the center of a shadow herself. Dark, ragged, seeping pits where her eyes used to be. Scores of red lines lashing at the Slayer, whipping the tormented girl to a bleeding, twisted wreck of herself.

“Me too, Slayer…” he half-whispered unable to still the horror of those nightmarish visions.