Transitory Evils

Part 9 A Day in the Strife of Willow Rosenberg, part 2


Immediately following the previous part


Spike had fetched Willow a robe to wear before everyone headed up the steps from the basement. As they went into the living room, a still-rebellious Xander was muttering under his breath.

“Well,” Willow said, still feeling the embarrassment of her predicament, “I guess we better get started.”

“Damn straight!” Xander replied. “I want a good explanation Willow.”

“Listen Xander,” Willow snapped, “I don’t owe you an explanation; and I could simply tell you to leave my house. I’m explaining it to you because you’re my friend--and so that you won’t do anything stupid like try to stake Spike. Clear?”

“But Willow …”

“No buts, Xander. Either shut up and listen, or leave.”

Xander nodded, but the harsh look on his face told Willow that this wasn’t going to be easy. She sighed. “Well, Xander, it all began a long, long time ago. Do you remember when we were at junior high and my parents started to leave me alone?”

Xander nodded, mystified.

“Well, do you remember how I was always showing up at school late or with band aids and things?”

Again Xander nodded.

“Well … a lot of those things were caused by me. I used to stab and cut myself. And do you know why? Because my damn parents wouldn’t actually ever punish me! They didn’t even notice me! I not only had to look after myself, I had to punish myself!” Willow felt an odd satisfaction at the look of horror on Xander’s face.

Willow stood and stalked over to Xander and spread her fingers. “See these? See these scars between my fingers? I did all of those with my compass when I was home at night, alone. And these,” Willow pressed on relentlessly, pointing to the scars on the inside of her elbows. “These are glass cuts!”

Xander was shocked and his mouth opened and closed soundlessly as he tried to recover from the assault on his emotions and preconceptions that Willow had made.

“I never said anything to anyone. They’d’ve all said I was crazy. And yes that includes you and Jesse. I was sure I was nuts, or at least a horrible person, because not even my parents loved me!

“The only feeling of love that I had was from the pain. Pain I inflicted on myself. Then Spike came along. While I was getting over Tara going home, I started to talk to Spike. He looked after me while I was depressed, and in a way I looked after him. And one night it all came out. After we started to become involved, I just had to tell him, so he’d know what a horrible person I was.”

”The term you used was vile, pet.”

Willow glared at her lover. “What-ever, Master.”

Spike smothered a chuckle.

“Master? Spike’s the Master of the Hellmouth?” Xander squawked, confused.

Anya burst into peals of laughter. “No Xand! It’s their relationship. She submits to him, so he’s her Master!”

“Like she’s a dog? Is that why he calls her pet?” Xander yelled, incredibly offended at the thought of his best friend as a.

.

“I’m so not a puppy-girl!” Willow indignantly responded.

“Yeah, she won’t even fetch my bloody paper!” Spike quipped, and then became very quiet at the look Willow gave him.

“Now, before we got interrupted, Xander, I was explaining why things are the way they are. You ready to continue?”

Xander nodded, although inside himself he was very unsure he really wanted to hear more.

“So,” Willow took up the tale once again, “I told Spike so he’d know what a bad person I was. And do you know what he did? He told me that I wasn’t the only person like this. That there were other people who do this to themselves and that I wasn’t alone. What had happened, he said, was that my feelings and responses had been all mixed up by my parents neglect. That I was normal! Attractive! And if I needed to feel pain to feel love, then I should have someone do it safely and sanely! That I didn’t have to cut, damage or disfigure myself!”

Willow shuddered for a moment and Spike drew her into his arms. “It’s all right pet,” he said softly, “I’m here and I won’t let anyone hurt you.”

Xander looked appalled. Gathering his wits, he asked a serious question. “Well, if Spike cares for you so much, why didn’t he find you a psychiatrist or something?”

Spike sighed and whispered to Willow briefly. She nodded. Then the blond looked at Xander and began to explain. “Willow’s a very strong-willed person. She feels that she has to submit to be in control, almost all the time. For her, submission is an opportunity to escape those feelings of control and responsibility. It allows her to not be in the position of ‘decision-maker’, and that creates a sense of freedom for her. That, and sadomasochism, are her parents legacy to her. Now listen, Xander, her desires and needs come from very deep within her. You asked why didn’t I get her help. Well, it’s bloody simple. In theory she could be ‘cured’; but the Willow who emerged from that process wouldn’t be the Willow you know. And I suspect that the cure would only be good until a major trauma occurred anyway. This works for both her and I, and it leaves us happy together rather than making two more people miserable. And Willow gets to be who she is, the person I fell in love with.”

Xander sat there, shocked. “But … but … you’re hurting her!”

Spike nodded. “I am, but only in ways that bring her pleasure and are safe. I don’t harm or damage Willow. Ever.”

Xander looked confused. “Hang on Deadboy, you hurt her, but don’t harm her? That’s impossible!”

“Not at all!” Spike moved like lightening to Xander and gave his ear a quick twist. Two simultaneous yells of “OWWWWW!” echoed around the room.

“See,” Spike said, wincing. “That hurt you but it did no lasting damage, it didn’t harm you. I’m not so sure about me though!”

“Damn it you living Popsicle! It hurts.”

“That was more or less the t, Ct, Chubs. Point is though, it hasn’t damaged you, right?”

Xander glared. “What about emotionally?”

Spike smiled. “But that’s you. Because you feel hurt, it doesn’t follow that everyone has the same reaction. When you make that assumption, it’s called ‘Imprinting’. Translating your feelings about an event to someone else and assuming their feelings are identical.”

Xander looked at Spike. “What do you mean? It hurt me, it would hurt anyone!”

Spike nodded. “Yes,” he acknowledged, “it hurt you. There was pain caused. The pain made you angry. What I’m saying is that not all people react the same way to pain. To assume they do invalidates them as people.”

Xander nodded thoughtfully. “Okay, so some people like receiving pain. But that’s only half of the issue isn’t it, Deadboy. What about people who like hurting others.” Xander asked as he ruefully rubbed his ear. “Like you, but you’re a vampire anyway.” he added after a moment.

Spike sighed. “Look, can this wait a few minutes so Willow can get dressed properly? She’s only in a robe. And I want to make sure she isn’t dropping or anything else like that. Why don’t you two,” he indicated Xander and Anya, “go and get a drink or something from the kitchen. We’ll be back really soon.” It was polite, but nonetheless a dismissal.

As soon as they had gone, Spike turned to Willow. “How’re you holding up pet?”

“I want get dressed. I’m incredibly embarrassed, and how on earth did they get here anyway? I wish they’d just go away, but that’s not really what’s gonna happen.”

Spike nodded and embraced the little redhead. “I know pet. As to how they got here, they were chasing that bloody Fyarl demon that fell into the cellar. Demon-girl said something about it being a shoplifter.”

“No way. That sorta thing only happens in movies! Bad movies at that!”

Spike smiled a little. “Know what y’mean pet. But at times life’s like … hey which films have you seen where young ladies are getting paddled?”

Willow smiled. “Only the ones you’ve shown me, dear.”

“More importantly, luv, are you okay? I mean you would’ve crashed out of sub-space without warning.”

Willow nodded. “I’m okay for now. I think the whole freakiness and everything hasn’t caught up with me yet though.”

Spike nodded and embraced Willow once again. “If you start to get drop or anything else happens that seems odd, luv. Tell me and I’ll chuck ‘em out and make sure you’re okay.”

Willow smiled and nodded. “You goddit, Guv’ner,” she said in a grotesque imitation of a London accent.

Spike rolled his eyes and sighed. “Are you going to get silly, pet?”

“Nope, already feeling silly,” Willow giggled.

After Willow had dressed, they returned to the living room, where Anya and Xander had been waiting.

Anya smiled and Xander just nodded. “So, Junior, want to explain about the hurting people?” Xander asked.

Spike sighed. ‘No let-up. Bloody Chubs!’ He thought a little morosely. All he said, however, was, “All right. You want to know about sadism. Since the great poof isn’t here any more, I guess you’ll have to make do with me.” He sat down, scratched his head and began to think.

“Think of it like this. What I do to Willow isn’t damaging her. It hurts, yes. That pain provokes specific responses. It arouses her. In a sense, part of the sadistic element of what we do is foreplay. The rest is about giving or taking control. But it’s voluntary. Willow chooses to let me take control. She chooses her role.”

“Uh huh. That’s what you say, and Willow may even believe it. And who knows, it may even be true. But aren’t you just taking advantage of her?”
o.” o.” Spike was very dogmatic as he answered. “Not at all. Hell, if Willow didn’t like it or felt exploited, she’d leave. And what could I do to stop her? Bugger all, that’s what. Regardless of anything else, the chip’d stop me! What Willow and I do is just a variation on sex. One we both enjoy and generally it’s done in private. So, Xander, why don’t you tell me about your exploits in kinky sex. I know you’ve ‘done spanking’.” Spike grinned evilly as he turned the tables.

Willow was beginning to get angry and interrupted before Xander could speak. “Damn it Xander, are you listening to what you’re saying?” Willow drew breath quickly and plunged on. “Don’t you even wonder why I’ve become so confident over the past two years? It’s because of Spike! He’s been helping me, accepting me. Not using me!”

As Xander and Spike both looked at Willow in surprise, she seized the opportunity to push on and make it completely clear to Xander just what she felt. “I’ve had three relationships, that’s all. But this is the first where I could be completely myself, completely open. And you seem to think it’s a bad thing ‘cause I get the all too infrequent spanking. Well, Mister, deal with it!”

Xander, now feeling completely out of his depth, turned to Spike. “How come you know about the spanking anyway? And hey! Bare hand versus whips!”

Willow was still seething, and determined to make her friend see that he was wrong, but Spike got in slightly ahead of her. “Get off yer high horse, Chubs. You’ve already said I’m a vampire! I could deliver a bare handed spank that’d break your spine. So that really doesn’t cut it. And you bloody well know it!”

Xander’s eyed almost bulged when he heard Spike mention that. “But … you couldn’t. Not with the chip!”

“I don’t know. I’ve never tried. I’d guess though, that if the spankee was willing, the chip wouldn’t activate until it was too late.”

“Yes!” Willow shrieked and jumped up and down. “That’s proof Xander! He loves me. The chip isn’t doing it. It’s Spike. He loves me. Even if the chip breaks down, he loves me!” She flew toward Spike, embracing him and clinging around his neck, her feet dangling an inch or so above the ground.

“Well, I think you two are having a wonderful time, and having lots and lots of orgasms. But, really Willow, it’s not ‘proof’.” Anya interjected. “Spike could be controlling the demon when you play. And the reasons for that could include things other than love.”

Willow looked at Anya, her face clearly depicting the distress the former demon had caused. “But … but … Spike hasn’t damaged me!” Willow said in almost a whimper.

“No, and for what it’s worth, I think he does love you. But just because he hasn’t damaged you doesn’t mean he loves you. You wouldn’t believe how many times someone called vengeance down upon another person just because they were wrong about something like that and it came back to bite them in the ass.”

Willow cocked her head, working through the logic of what Anya was saying. As she did so, Xander seized his moment. “So, Deadboy, who told you about Anya and me?”

Willow snapped back to the immediate and answered. “I told him. It was really just in passing. When we started talking about … stuff.”

“Oh. How come you told him at all? What about privacy?”

“I didn’t notice you being all concerned about my privacy just now! Now Xander, either deal with it or leave.”

Xander held up his hands. “Okay, I’m dealing guy. Just be fair and allow me a bit of time to get used to it all! And if Giles finds out …”

“Don’t worry about Giles,” Willow said, an impish grin on her face for the first time since the whole disaster had started, “I think he strongly suspects already.”

Xander looked shocked. “And Spike’s not dust?”

Willow giggled. “Nope, and Spike explained some reasons why. Sometimes, what Spike and I do is called ‘The English Vice’ … no, not that kind of vice although …” Willow drifted off for a moment. “Er, as I was saying … There seems to be a greater acceptance of it in England and Europe than there is here. And Spike also said something about private schools in England that confused me. But it seemed related to everything.”

“Way too much information there, Wills. I so didn’t need images of Giles doing stuff like that!” Xander squawked.

“So,” Spike interrupted. In part because of visions of Giles being kinky disturbed even him, he decided to end the conversation. “Let’s call it a day. I want to make sure Willow doesn’t have any delayed reactions to the shocks she had. So, don’t be offended, but as we used to say in the old country, it’s time to sling yer ‘ooks.” Seeing the look of total bafflement on Xander’s face he clarified. “I’ll see you to the door.”

Willow smiled, aware that Spike used so many of his British expressions to gain an advantage when talking to Xander. “See ya Xander, Anya!” She called from her seat as her friends were escorted to the door.