Later in the Ashes

Later in the Ashes (Chapter Eight)

They were dressed again; lying on the bed, rumpled and sated, finally having the rest of that talk which had been Willow’s ostensible reason for coming back to L.A. in the first place.

“What are we going to do, Angel? Because visiting my dying aunt is an excuse that can’t really work for much longer.” Her head was pillowed against his chest; no heartbeat the way there had been with Oz. It wasn’t at all disquieting. Maybe it was strange how easily she’d become comfortable with the silence within him, but she had and she preferred to see that as a good thing.

“You can move in with me. I sort of thought that’s what would happen, anyway.” His hand was stroking her hair as he spoke and his tone was easy, as if what he was doing wasn’t asking her to throw away the only life she’d ever known, to abandon everyone she’d ever held dear.

She shifted, looking up into his face, amazed at the lack of any consciousness she saw there. He really didn’t see. Why didn’t that make her angry? Make her want to rail at him for being so insensitive? Still, even if she wasn’t outraged, she did have objections to voice.

“I can’t. They need me.” Even as she said it, she knew the words meant nothing. Maybe they did need her, but they certainly didn’t see it that way. Buffy, Giles, Xander…when was the last time she’d felt important to them, felt as if they even saw her when she was in a room with them? This very morning, hadn’t it finally become clear that she’d never been as dear to Giles as he was to her? Wasn’t she living in terror of the same epiphany happening in regards to her relationships with Buffy and Xander?

But was leaving the right way to handle it? She’d never breathed a word of her feelings to her friends. What if she was wrong? What if they really did care and things had just gone badly off-track? What if there was some chance to make things right? Could she just leave town without even trying to rebuild the relationships she wanted to believe she had once had with them?

“I need you more.”

His words cut through her thoughts and this time, yes, she was sure she ought to be angry. It was emotional blackmail, after all, and despite how good it felt to be wanted and needed, she couldn't just let it slide.

“Angel,” she reproached.

He caught the tenor of her mood immediately. “I’m sorry.”

He was likely only sorry because the tactic hadn’t worked rather than regretting it completely, but Willow didn’t get so many apologies that she was willing to reject one out of hand. “Okay.”

“I just…”

“I know. I miss you, too. But that doesn’t mean I can just leave Sunnydale. Besides, how can I tell them where I’m going? They’ll hate me, even if they don’t know we’re…you know.” Angel chuckled slightly, but Willow continued. “It’s not like Buffy’s actually over you, and…” Now for the hard part. “Angel, her new boyfriend – Riley – he’s one of those creepy commandos who put the chip in Spike. What if she gets upset and accidentally tells him about you?”

Angel looked shocked now and Willow sat up so he could do the same. “He’s what?”

“He’s one of the commandos.”

Ridges nearly formed in Angel’s face as his eyes flashed gold. It didn’t frighten Willow so much as make her realize that he must feel much as she did about the tactics that Riley and his cohorts used.

She sat and watched, waiting for him to collect himself. A minute or so later, he spoke. “I wish I was surprised. I’m…but no, I’m not surprised.”

Willow wondered what word had been meant to fill the gap, but she didn’t want to ask. There was pain in his eyes and she knew it was because of what he was being forced to see in Buffy. He hadn’t pressed her for the details of her own agonizing realizations today, the least she could do was show the same delicacy. Besides, she was soon caught up in difficult thoughts.

Was she, in fact, the only one shocked that her best friend could be with someone like that? It made sense, she supposed, for Spike to assume that she was one of that bunch, but Angel knew Buffy, had even loved her. How could he find it easy to believe that she’d happily bed down with a sadist? Didn’t he know her better than that?

Or maybe Willow was the one who didn’t see clearly. Maybe she was the one whose rose-coloured glasses were so very tinted that she couldn’t see anything at all.

She couldn’t help it; she started to cry. In seconds, she was in Angel’s arms. “Shh…it’s okay.” It occurred to her to wonder if he knew why she was crying. Not that it mattered – at least he cared.

The moment was shattered by a shrill voice. “I’m coming in and there’d better be no nudity.” With that, Cordelia came barging into the room. “Okay, I think the bed is kind of a bad place for you two, but since you seem to be completely clothed, I’ll let it pass.”

Drying her eyes, Willow did her best to compose herself. Cordelia actually noticed.

“What’s wrong? Did Angel do something?” She glared at her boss, whose expression had turned to righteous indignation.

“No, no,” Willow said as she got off the bed.

“She was telling me about Buffy’s new boyfriend,” Angel explained less than helpfully.

“Did he do something to you?” Cordelia was touchingly indignant. “You know, you can’t trust those college guys. You’d think Buffy would have learned that after almost getting us sacrificed to a giant snake. But that’s Buffy, all blonde and no brains.”

Willow had to giggle, even though a part of her wanted to defend Buffy against Cordelia’s less than historically accurate rendition of events. Instead, she let Angel do the talking.

“No, at least I don’t think so.” He, too, looked at Willow with concern and it suddenly dawned on her that, practicing magic as she did, she might also be in danger from those gung ho military creeps. “He’s one of the people who captured Spike, stuck that chip in his head, left him helpless.” As he spoke, he sounded genuinely…well…sympathetic to Spike. After everything they’d done to each other, the many times they’d eagerly tried to kill each other…Willow was never going to understand those two.

“And Buffy’s dating him?” Cordelia screeched. “Oh well. I’m not actually surprised. After all, she’ll do anything to lighten her work load. She always palmed off all the research on you, me, and Giles. So if she can get her new boy toy to take all the vamps off her hands, what does she care what he does with them?”

Again, Willow had to take issue with Cordelia’s memory, since she herself recalled Cordelia spending more time in the janitor’s closet researching the location of Xander’s tonsils than in the library researching the latest apocalypse, but she decided not to make a fuss about it. She also chose not to think about the fact that Cordelia was one more person who thought Buffy’s acceptance of her boyfriend’s profession was not at all out of character.

Rather to her own shock, she found herself speaking in Buffy’s defense. “I don’t think she’s really processed it yet. I mean, you have to understand – Riley’s from Iowa and…he seems so nice. I thought he was a great guy at first, too. Maybe Buffy just hasn’t been able to connect a guy who still says ‘ma’am’ to the kind of people who experiment on living creatures.”

“Or maybe…” A glare from Angel stopped her. Willow was grateful. She really didn’t want to have more of this conversation.

Of course, that didn’t mean Cordelia was left with nothing to say. “Oh, by the way, just what have you told dear, darling Buffy to get her to let you leave town and not be there to do all her boring research for her anyway?”

“I said that my Aunt Esther was in the hospital dying and I needed to visit her.”

“Willow, your Aunt Esther is already dead.”

She remembered. Willow had been right. Cordelia remembered. “I know that. But Buffy wasn’t in Sunnydale then, so…”

“But Xander was. Didn’t he blow your cover?”

Did Cordelia have to ask that question? “Ummm…no, not really.”

Now Cordelia was in a state. “What do you mean ‘no’? He’s supposed to be your best friend! I didn’t even like you then and I remember.”

“Cordelia,” Angel cautioned, obviously noticing the new tears in Willow’s eyes. It hurt – how easy it had been to convince Xander that he’d been wrong, how accustomed that must mean he was to not remembering things about her very well. Of course, the fact that he had never wished her a Happy Hanukkah should have told her that long ago, now shouldn’t it?

But again, she sprang to the defense of one of her old friends. And again, there was even some truth in her argument. “He sort of remembered. It’s just that Spike and I were able to convince him he was mistaken.”

“So in other words, he’s a loser and a moron. But then, how does that make him any different than he’s ever been? Really, Willow, I have no idea how you put up with him all these years.”

“Didn’t you date him?” Angel was doing his best to stop Cordelia and Willow was so very thankful. While Cordelia’s heart was undoubtedly in the right place, her tongue was doing a great deal of emotional harm.

“It was charity, okay?” And with that, and a look that could have felled the hardiest demon at twenty paces, Cordelia was obviously dismissing the whole subject.

Willow almost fired a salvo of her own by bringing up Wesley, but she decided that intentional meanness was a far worse crime than Cordelia’s unthinking lack of tact, so she refrained. Besides, thinking of that man brought up an image of him in leather pants that she did not need to have in her head. She could only thank her lucky stars that she hadn’t been here to actually see him garbed thus.

A few awkward moments followed until Angel finally asked Cordelia, “So what brings you down here?”

For all that it was such an obvious question, it was shocking that she seemed ill-prepared to answer it. “Oh. Why am I down here? I was just…”

“Checking up on us?”

Cordelia had the good grace to blush before finally admitting the truth, though not a little bit defensively. “Hey, don’t blame me for worrying, especially after walking in on Willow all naked after your ‘talk’. In case you’ve forgotten, I was there when your oh-so-unwelcome alter ego made a guest appearance in Sunnydale.” She stopped for a moment and then seemed to think of something. “And now that we’re on the subject, why didn’t the Soulless One make a comeback, anyway? I mean, it’s not like Willow hasn’t got it all over Buffy and…”

Willow was now far more scarlet than Cordelia and in no condition to say anything. Again, Angel came to the rescue. “I can’t lose my soul with her. At least not according to the Oracles.”

“So that’s what you were doing there? Why didn’t you tell me that before? I wouldn’t have been stressing out all this time about what was going on down here!”

“Because it was something I wanted to discuss with Willow first, seeing as how it was more about her than about you.” Angel was irritated and Willow was actually concerned for Cordelia’s job ‘til she remembered that the visions probably guaranteed her continued employment.

In an amazing and uncharacteristic display of perception, Cordelia actually saw the way Angel’s mood had turned and wisely changed her tone. “I’m sorry. I can see where it was probably news you wanted to share with her first.” And then she went right back to being Cordelia. “Boy, won’t Buffy just die when she hears about this! I so wish I could be there when you let her know that you and Willow can have the whole ‘happily ever after’ thing. And isn’t it almost her birthday? Wow…the timing is just so eerie, especially considering that’s when Angel lost his soul and all.”

That was just what Willow needed - a reminder of what she was doing to a girl who, in spite of everything, she still loved like a sister, a reminder that she’d snatched the brass ring right out of her hand.

Angel was soon by her side with his arm around her. “Are you okay?” The question was ostensibly directed at her but it was clear he was asking it for Cordelia’s benefit and Willow appreciated this latest effort to induce the newly-minted seer to see her way clear to embracing the concept of tact…and for longer than thirty seconds at a time.

“I just…” She didn’t know what to say. How much of her emotional turmoil did she want to reveal in front of Cordelia? She might be a friend now, but that was still pretty new and Willow wasn’t sure how to relate to her.

“You feel guilty?” She couldn’t believe Cordelia was phrasing that sentiment as a question, but at least she seemed to have a clue. Willow tried to glare, but with her teary eyes, she wasn’t convinced it came off all that well. “I don’t see why. It’s not like Saint Buffy has been all that wonderful to you. Besides, she’s moved on and obviously you and Angel are meant to be, unlike…”

“Cordelia,” Angel interposed, taking his arm from around Willow and heading over to the door as if to highlight its presence and suggest its use, “I think you’ve done enough damage for one day. Why don’t you go upstairs and answer the phones? Last time I checked, that’s what you’re being paid for.”

It was obvious Cordelia was going to come back with a sharp retort, but she seemed moved by Willow’s rather melancholy expression and contented herself with, “Fine. If that’s the way you’re going to be, I’ll be upstairs.” And with that, she walked past Angel and huffed her way out of the room.

“Are you okay?” Angel asked when his secretary-cum-seer was finally out of earshot.

“Not really.” Willow sank down to the bed, not sure if she was going to full-blown cry or just sniffle a bit.

Angel sat down beside her and took her hand. “I’m sorry she upset you so much. I know she means well, but…”

“It’s not her fault. Not really. All she did was point out some facts. Some facts that mean that I’m not a very good person.”

Angel’s arms were around her within seconds. “You’re a wonderful person.”

It felt good to have him hold her close, but that didn’t take away the nagging feeling that she was taking someone else’s place. “I just feel bad, you know? Because Buffy wanted this more than anything and…”

There was so much more she wanted to say, but she couldn’t figure out how to put the words together in the right order. He seemed to understand what she meant even without them. “If I could choose…if the PTB’s gave me the choice to be with Buffy instead…I’d still be right here – with you. Don’t you know that by now? I had my chance with her, Willow, and I gave it up of my own free will. It’s not that I didn’t love her. I did. It was real and I don’t regret it, even if I do wish that it hadn’t led to…” He paused. “But it’s the past. You’re my present…you’re my future.”

Those were the words that did it, that opened the floodgates and filled her so full of emotions that she could burst. Did she still feel guilty? Yes, she supposed she did. But that didn’t mean there wasn’t also a great deal of joy. Angel wanted her; she was his first choice…and he was hers.

Oh God.

How had this happened? How had she managed to get over Oz while not even realizing it? This morning’s epiphany couldn’t have been the beginning of it. That had to have just been the moment when she became consciously aware of what must have already taken place. How could anyone get over someone without having a clue it was happening?

The idea that maybe she should just be grateful and happy crossed her mind, and it was a good one, but Willow was too analytical and too compulsively devoted to ferreting out the reasons behind things to take herself up on the advice.

Angel noticed that she’d gotten lost somewhere behind her eyes. “What are you thinking about?”

“Just wondering when I fell out of love with Oz. I mean, I don’t actually remember it happening, but it did and…” She was stopped short by the look on Angel’s face.

Angel’s grin was an astonishing thing. He was beautiful when he was happy.

Of course, soon enough, the grin was gone…but that was because he was kissing her. It was a wonderful kiss, somehow different, though she didn’t know quite why. When it was over, he was smiling again and so was she.

“I know you told me before that you accepted that you two were over, but hearing you say you don’t love him anymore…”

“I know. Kind of how I felt when you said Buffy was your past.”

“I guess that means we’re both perfectly happy.” Angel was still smiling, but Willow’s brow was soon creased with thought.

Were they perfectly happy? Was Willow? She was happy, sure, but…no, not absolutely, deliriously worry-free happy. After all, there were too many things that weren’t one hundred percent right in her world.

Buffy. She wasn’t going away just because Angel didn’t love her anymore. For all that she seemed so happy in her new relationship with Riley, Willow wasn’t fooled. As she’s said just a few minutes ago, she knew Buffy still loved Angel. Maybe that was why she was turning a blind eye to Riley’s unsavory side; she was desperate for an escape, any escape, from the feelings she still had for her one true love.

At least Willow could console herself that Buffy had no memory of that second chance, the day Angel was human.

But Buffy wasn’t the only thing threatening to rain on her parade; there were other clouds in her sky: Xander and Giles-shaped clouds. As much as Buffy would hate her and never forgive her if she knew about Willow and Angel, Xander and Giles wouldn’t be any more accepting.

All of these things were very worrying. Because this wasn’t a fling, an affair, a temporary stopgap while she pined for Oz and awaited his return – this was real and (hopefully) permanent. Willow and Angel were together. And that meant changes. Big ones. She just wasn’t sure she was ready to make them.

Angel, however, was. “I guess this means you’ll finally be moving down here.”

“Angel,” she whined, “Don’t push me, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” he said with almost-sincerity. “It’s just…I hate it when you’re not here. And I worry, I keep thinking you’ll change your mind, meet someone else…”

Now it was her turn to allay some fears. “I already had that chance.”

A raised eyebrow was his first response. “Did you?”

“Yeah, I did. It happened about a week ago when I was getting some clothes and stuff from the dorm. It was this girl from this dumb Wicca group I went to a couple of times. She seemed pretty interested ‘til Spike warned her off by saying he was my boyfriend.”

That got Angel’s attention. “Spike said he was your boyfriend?”

“It was just to let Tara know I wasn’t available. Believe me, he’s not interested in me.” She had to ask:”Aren’t you a little surprised that it was a girl?”

Angel chuckled. “No, not really. You’re a beautiful woman, Willow. No matter what gender, people are going to find you attractive. Besides, I remember the vampire version of you and…”

“You and Buffy were lying then, weren’t you?” Willow chided, though she well knew the answer to that and always had.

“Hey,” Angel objected, “I didn’t lie, I just…”

“Agreed with Buffy, which is pretty much the same thing.” But Willow grinned to let him know she wasn’t really upset with him.

He swatted her head playfully. “Minx.”

She smiled even wider. Playful, carefree moments like this…when was the last time she’d had one? She wanted to tuck it away in her jewelry box with her trinkets and mementoes, to keep it safe for always.

But even if she couldn’t do that, there was a permanence to it, because it had made up her mind for her at last. She took Angel’s hand in hers, screwed up her courage, and spoke. “I’m…I’m going to see about moving here. I mean…you meant it, right? About me moving in?”

By way of an answer, she found herself picked up and lifted off the floor, held tight in strong arms.

“I take it that means yes?” she asked when she was back on solid ground and could breathe.

“Yes,” Angel said. “And that means you’ll stop covering my mark.”

“Oh.” She’d almost forgotten that she’d hidden it again; she whispered the words under her breath to undo the spell. Angel’s eyes flashed gold. Something flashed through her mind…something that had to do with the curse and with Angel’s soul, but it was lost again. What remained, however, was the certainty that the minute she got back to Sunnydale, she needed to find the computer disc with the curse and do some research.

Back to Sunnydale…not back home. She couldn’t believe that transformation in her thinking.

Angel, however, didn’t seem to be thinking at all, at least not the way Willow was. He had only one thing on his mind, as his actions soon made evident. His lips soon found hers and his hands began to make short work of undressing her. She had to admit, she liked how his mind worked. She followed his lead.

His skin was so smooth; she didn’t think she’d ever get tired of touching him. They separated briefly to finish disrobing and then…oh then. He had her on her back, legs spread wide, his tongue doing the most glorious things. She was addicted to the way he made her feel, the way he touched her and tasted her and made her feel like the most desirable woman ever born. It wasn’t long at all before she came, crying out his name, almost undone by the power of the pleasure he gave her.

But it wasn’t over. Seconds later, he was inside her, taking her, possessing her. She gave herself completely, abandoning herself to their lovemaking even more than she ever had before, her nails digging into his back, her teeth into his shoulder as her body moved with his. The pleasure was building into something bigger than she thought possible and she wondered if ecstasy could kill, and if it could, did she even care?

She could have sworn she saw stars as her body seemed to explode in release and she barely felt Angel’s teeth as they renewed his claim and he followed her over the edge.

It seemed a long time before she became aware of a world that wasn’t bordered by their joined bodies, but eventually she did and she realized Angel was lying beside her now, staring at her, his eyes filled with…something she wasn’t ready to give a name to yet. She was tired…and overwhelmed…and yes, frightened. She’d discovered so much in the last twenty-four hours, found out that so much had changed.

He seemed to understand and he gathered her into his arms. “Sleepy,” she said, and he smiled. And with that, Willow’s eyes closed.


Tbc…