So Damn Domestic

One Month Later. BPOV


Faith and I are in the kitchen making a huge breakfast. Yes, I can make the basics. So far I’ve made a huge thing of scrambled eggs with little bits of ham mixed in. She’s taking care of the bacon and toast and stuff because those I have a tendency to burn. Matthew is getting impatient, but I have to give him some credit. He woke us up at five in the morning to open presents but we told him that he has to wait for everyone else. We let him open up one thing, just something small. It’s this Tonka truck that he can play with outside in the spring and summer. Winter’s here are too cold for kids to play outside, and it rains a lot. It hardly ever rained in Sunnydale. I look over at Faith. She looks so cute right now. Her hair is a little messy, she’s in a spaghetti strap shirt and her bikini underwear, both are black, and she’s wearing a little Santa hat, and she’s bobbing her head along with the music that’s playing in the background.


We’ve been talking about the baby situation a little more over the last month. She really wants to have one, but we both agreed to wait a little while longer. She wants to wait until the craziness of the holidays is gone. I know what she’s really doing though. Matthew’s birthday is in July and she wants to try and time it just right so this baby will have a summer birthday. I roll my eyes at the thought of her doing that. And I thought I was weird. But the only way she’ll get the summer birthday is if we conceive in September, October, or November and I really don’t want to wait that long. If it were up to me we’d already have the second and we’d be working on the third. Ok, so I want three kids, is it that crazy? We’re not that old. I’m in my early thirties she’s two years younger, there are women who have kids when they’re in their early forties. I don’t know any but I know there are.


“Buffy,” I hear her call out my name but I’m not really paying attention. I’m too busy thinking about the baby. What is it going to look like? Will it be a boy or a girl? I’m hoping for a girl. A little girl with dark brown hair and hazel eyes, and I hope she gets the dimples too. And we’ve learned our lesson with Matthew, so we’ll be sure to start teaching her about all of the slayer stuff early on, that way she won’t be so confused when she gets to be Matthew’s age. “Buffy you’re burning.” What? No I’m not. Then I smell it. Oh shit! “You’re burning the eggs.” She sounds a little irritated. This happens every year it’s practically tradition. She takes the skillet off of the stove and then takes the spatula from me. I get a little mad when she does that. It’s not like she’s too good to ask for it, just because she can cook without burning anything doesn’t make her this master chef. She smiles at me, flashing me those dimples and all of my anger is gone. It’s Christmas, you’re not supposed to get mad on Christmas.


“It’s alright, babe, everyone’s used to it.” I should be offended by that, but I’m not. She gives me a little kiss on my cheek and I smile. She looks towards the living room, we can’t see it from the kitchen, ‘cause ya know there’s a wall there, but we can hear, and it’s what she’s not hearing that’s starting to bother her. “It’s gettin kinda quiet in there, why don’t you go see what our boy is up to?” I roll my eyes at the thought of what that kid could be doing, none of them are good, and I lean in a place a little kiss on her lips. While our eyes are closed and her guard is down I reach up and steal the hat. She’s gives me a playful smack on my butt as I walk away from her. I put the hat on and sort of shake my head. She’ll pay for that later. Yes, she will pay, muahahaha. That was supposed to be one of those evil laughs, but it isn’t very intimidating. I’ll have to work on it later. Hmm, maybe I should do something else. I mean, everyone has an evil laugh, or tries to do an evil laugh. Maybe I want to be a little more original and try something-


“Matthew James Lehane!” He looks up from what he’s doing and he has this fear in his eyes. Oh yeah, he knows he’s in trouble. And what was he doing you may ask. Well, I’ll tell you. Since he learned how to write and read his name this school year he went through all of the presents and picked out the ones that are for him and he’s already opened about half. Jeez, who got him all the clothes? Certainly wasn’t us. Probably Dawn, she’s big on the whole fashion thing. He stands up and runs around the back of the couch in hopes of getting passed me. He forgets that I’m a slayer too and I’m faster then him. Before he can pass me I reach out and grab onto him. He struggles against me but I have a pretty good grip on him. I sit him down on the couch and hold onto his upper arms just in case he tries to run. He avoids eye contact at first but he quickly gives in. And now he’s pouting. He’s not getting out of this that easy. “I told you that you have to wait to open your presents. We always wait for everyone else to get here, and then we eat breakfast and after breakfast we open the gifts.” He breaks our eye contact to look down at his lap. It’s really hard to be mad at someone who’s wearing Yogi and Booboo pajamas.


“I’m sorry Mommy. But I’ve been waitin forever and everyone else isn’t gonna be here for a long, long time.” I look over at the clock, it’s six-thirty everyone usually shows up at around seven. I sigh a little. I remember what it’s like to be a little kid and have to wait to open up the presents, but I can’t let him think that it’s ok. I let go of him and stand up. He just sits there though, doesn’t even look up. I walk over and start to pick up the wrapping paper. Oh, he’s a smart one he is. Instead of just ripping the paper open and making a lot of noise he gently peeled off the tape. With the idea in hand I walk into the kitchen and in the little drawer that has all of the miscellaneous stuff I pull out some scotch tape. I go back into the living room and re-tape all of the packages. There, good as new. No one has to know.


“Since it’s Christmas I’ll let this slide, but if you do that again next year you’ll be sent to your room, got it?” he nods his head yes and smiles really wide. He’s missing two of his front teeth. The adult tooth on the bottom is starting to grow in. It’s been bothering him a little bit but he seems fine now. “Ok, now let’s go help Mama in the kitchen and then we can have some apple cider.” He gets really excited and he runs into the kitchen. Tucker is in there, begging for food like he always does. I make him get out of the kitchen, so he sits at the edge of the carpet where the living room meets the kitchen and dinning area, technically he’s not in the kitchen so it’s not like I can say anything. And it’s raining outside a little so I’m not going to make him stay out there.


We finish making breakfast and when it gets close to seven we start to put it out on the table. There isn’t room for everyone at the table but that’s ok. We’re very casual about it and since there’s no wall separating the living room from the dinning area some of us will just sit on the couch and we’ll all be able to talk. It’s sort of like our little tradition. And Willow always sits on Kennedy’s lap, her way of saving room so someone else can sit down at the table but I know it’s really because she wants to be close to her honey on Christmas, which is perfectly ok.


Dawn and Kyle are going to be joining us this year. They’ve been dating for a little over three years and every year they go off to this cabin that his parents own, not far from here, about a two hour drive and it’s right on the side of Mt. Shasta so they have a great view. I was a little jealous that he was taking my sister away from me on Christmas but I understand where he’s coming from. For our first Christmas together Faith took me to a little island in the Caribbean. She used enough of the council’s money to get the entire island to ourselves. It was nice, very relaxing. Even though it was so nice and great to be with just her, I missed all of my family so we agreed that Christmas would be a family thing and our birthdays would be just an us thing. I like it better that way. If our birthdays fall on a weekday then we wait for the weekend and we rent a cabin in the mountains. It’s really nice. Ok, I need to pay attention to what’s going on. I almost dropped a platter of bacon. I’m sure Tucker would really love that. Poor guy saw that I almost dropped it. Well, giving him one piece can’t hurt, can it?


FPOV


That’s right boys and girls it’s Christmas time. Everyone is all with the cheer and joy, even me. I just can’t help but smile. This is what Christmas is supposed to be like. I got the love of my life, our son, a fantastic house in a nice neighborhood, the friends and the family coming over a little later, plenty of presents under the nicely decorated tree. What more could I ask for? Even Dawnie and her man are coming over this year. For the last couple he’s been taking her to this cabin up in the mountains. It’s nice for the little lovebirds to be able to get away, but it bums Buffy out a little. So she’s really excited this year. And one of the presents that I got her is really going to put a smile on her face. Well, hopefully. She could also get pissed off or something but I’m hopin for the best. She seems to be inna really good mood, I even saw her give some bacon to the dog and she’s always naggin at me for doing that.


And now the others are startin to get here. Willow and Kennedy are always the first ones here. They have a couple of small gift bags, some last minute stuff. Last week everyone brought over the presents for us, that way they won’t have to load the cars up and drive all the way over here and then have to unload them out of the car, this way it’s easier. And we have the gifts for everyone over here since our house is the ‘meeting ground’. I think next year we’ll have it at Xander’s. I like the hosting gig, but after doin it for six years in a row it’d be nice to not have to worry about fixin all the food and makin sure Buffy doesn’t burn it too bad. Anyway, we take our turns huggin, I know it’s a little weird but it’s Christmas, the one day out of the year when it’s almost required to hug the family and friends that you usually don’t.


“There’s coffee in the kitchen, you two look a little tired. Late night last night?” I ask and Red blushes about three different shades. Kennedy gives me this very self-satisfied grin and I give her a little wink before I walk down the hall and into the bedroom. I wait a few seconds just to make sure that Buffy hasn’t followed me. Ok, all clear. I walk over to the closet and kneel down on my knees. I pull up the carpet at the corner of the closet where the floor meets the wall. Underneath there’s this little hole that I made a couple weeks ago, I couldn’t risk her finding this. I pull out the small black box and smile to myself. I open it up real quick and take a look at the small item inside. Simple yet elegant, she’ll love it, mostly ‘cause it was the one she was admiring when we walked by the store.


So I back into the little hideaway pull out the little chain. I put the ring on the chain and then stand up and pull down this medium sized Christmas box, ya know, the kind with the pull off top and the design on the outside looks like wrapping paper? Well, it’s one of those. I pull off the lid and inside is a little black velvet teddy bear that I know she’s going to love. I clip the chain around the bear’s neck and then put the lid back on the box. I put the ring box back inside the hidey-hole and cover it back up with the carpet. I smile to myself for a job very well done and take the box out to the living room and put it under the tree near the back. I want it be one of the last one’s that she opens. I answer the door when someone knocks on it and there stands Dawn, looking like a million bucks like always and her beau who looks like he wants a couple more hours’ sleep. Gotta say I do relate. Mattie woke me up at five this morning, I thought I was going to freak out. But I stayed calm and went back to sleep and let Buffy deal with him. I love my boy but at five in the morning when you’ve gotten very little sleep love just isn’t enough to get me out of a bed.


“So Faith, did the get the one we looked at?” she asks and I nod my head yes. She knows about the ring, she even went to look at it to make sure I was buying something worthy enough for Buffy’s finger, which is why I asked her to go. And then she holds out her coat for me to take. I raise an eyebrow at her and she blushes a little. Like she should, I may be hosting this shindig but the coat rack is two feet away from her and I’m not a fucking maid. She puts her coat on the rack and then looks off to her left and glares. I look over, a little confused and see Kyle blushing a little bit. The girl caught her boy checking out my ass, I can’t help but feel good inside. Even at twenty-eight I still got the boys drooling for me. I don’t turn twenty-nine until January. I don’t see why Buffy’s freaking out about aging, doesn’t seem that bad. Maybe I’ll start freaking when I turn thirty, who knows? Hmm, maybe now that it’s not just our family members and people who can control their eyes I should probably go put on some pajama bottoms. So as I’m walkin towards my bedroom I feel someone grab onto my upper arm and pull me into the bathroom. The door closes behind me and Buffy presses me up against it and starts to kiss my neck. See, I told you she was in a great mood.


“Mmm, as much as I want to, and you know I always wanna, but Brat and her guy are here, and she already had ta glare at him once for checkin me out, I wanna get the poor guy in trouble because you can’t keep your voice down.” She stops kissing me and pulls back and looks into my eyes. Oh great, what did I do in the two minutes of being in the room with her to piss her off. Sometimes there is just no keeping her happy. She shakes her head a little bit and then leans in and kisses my lips. When she pulls back she still doesn’t look very happy. I have to ask, there’s no way I cannot ask. “What’s the matter, baby?” I gently rub her upper arms with the backs of my fingers. That usually gets her to talk down a little bit.


“I don’t like him looking at you. I know he’s a guy and they look, well, he’s human so he looks, but I don’t like other people looking at you.” Awww, my girl’s jealous. I lean in and place a searing kiss on her lips. She starts grinding against me a little bit. Wow, she really is in a great mood. A better mood then I originally thought. I wonder if she’s had anything to eat that would boost her libido. I pull back a little and gently kiss her lips before breaking the contact completely.


“It’s not his fault he was lookin. I am in my underwear, I was gonna go put on some pj bottoms, but someone stole me.” She starts to kiss me again, a little deeper this time. She thinks that if she does this enough I’ll give in and have a quickie here in the bathroom, but I’m not going to give in. We have company after all, can’t be rude by doing something so grotesque. “Baby,” I say around a kiss. I pull back and put my hands on her shoulders to prevent her from leaning in. “I promise when everyone leaves and Mattie passes out then we’ll be together, but not now. Besides, I bought you a special gift and I’m sure you’ll really want to after you see it.” I smile and leave a small kiss on her lips before she lets me go, pouting a little bit because this year she isn’t going to get her Christmas quickie. She knows better then to bother me about presents that I’ve boughten her. She knows I won’t tell, I can keep a secret very well and she hates that about me.


So I slip into some black silk pajamas and walk back out into the living room where everyone is sitting. On the larger couch there’s Kennedy with Willow on her lap and a very pregnant Katie and on the other end is Buffy. There’s no room for me so I sit down on the arm of the couch next to her and she takes my hand into hers and starts drawing little circles with her thumb. On the smaller couch is Xander on the left, Mattie in the middle and then Kyle on the right. Dawn is sitting at his feet and he’s rubbing her shoulders. I smile a little bit. And Buffy said she doesn’t like him, that he isn’t good enough for Dawn. The guy is sweet, and totally whipped. Anyone who can live with Dawn for two years and not commit suicide is good enough in my book.


So we gather around the table and everyone starts to fill their plates. The guys sit on the couch, including Mattie, so the girl’s can have the table. Willow sits on Kennedy’s lap, like always, and Dawn sits on the couch so she can sit next to Kyle. That just leaves Xander and Mattie on the smaller couch. Mattie is completely avoiding looking at Xander. What is up with that kid? Did something happen that I should know about? No, stop being paranoid. Xander would never do anything to hurt my boy. Because Xander is a good guy and would never hurt a kid and he knows that if he did and I found out I’d tear him limb from limb. Ok, it’s Christmas enough with the morbid thinking. Mattie just doesn’t like him. There are people in life that you’re just not going to get along with no matter how hard you try and I guess to Mattie, Xander is one of those people.


BPOV


So now we’re all enjoying the breakfast that Faith slaved over. Ha, yeah right. She loves to cook and hardly looks at it as a chore. I think that’s one of the reasons why I can’t cook, because she always does so I barely get the chance to practice at it. But one of these days I will learn how. I don’t want to be completely dependent on her for my food. She might have to go out of town again for Giles and I want to be able to feed my kid and myself while she’s gone. I sigh a little and take another bite of the yummy English muffin with jelly. It sucks that Giles can’t make it this year. He couldn’t make it last Christmas either. Apparently some of the little slayers don’t have anywhere to go for Christmas so he wants to stay there at the facility to make sure that they’re ok. It’s a nice gesture I know, and he really does care for all of the girls, but…and I know this is going to sound completely selfish…but he was my watcher first!


Faith gives my knee a little squeeze. She knows that him not being here is bumming me out a little. One night a couple years ago when we stayed up late just talking, we don’t always have sex ya know. Anyway, we were talking and she had me describe the perfect Christmas. I started to describe what I wanted, what I think would be the absolute perfect Christmas. Most of it sounded like I was describing Christmas morning in the movie ‘A Christmas Story’, ever seen it? It’s a great film. Anyway, I told her that in order for it to be perfect there has to be lots and lots of snow, and all of the trees would be frozen and icicles would be hanging off of the branches. And we would gather around the Christmas tree and in the background through the window you can see snow lightly falling outside.


I told her that Giles and my mom would be sitting on the couch, watching as the ‘children’ dig through the presents and pass them around. We would all be there: Xander, Willow, Dawn, Faith, Matthew and me. Well, Kennedy, Katie and Dawn’s boyfriend could be there too but this is my description of perfect so they don’t have to be there. Anyway, I told her that the room would be really warm because of the roaring fire in the fireplace. And after all of the presents are opened and the adrenaline of ripping open the wrapping paper is gone we’d all sit around the room and cuddle with our significant others. In my version of perfect Giles and my mom are together. I may not want to know about their sex life, ‘cause that’s gross, but I do think that they are perfect for each other. And I already view him as a father so it’s not like there would be any dominance issues. But that perfect Christmas will never happen, because my mom is gone and she’s not coming back.


The one thing that I really didn’t want to leave behind was my mother’s engagement ring. It was a family heirloom, sort of. It was my great grandmother’s, and then when my grandmother got married my great grandma gave it to her, and then when my mom got married my grandma gave it to her. My mom loved it so much. Even after she and my dad got divorced she would wear it sometimes, just to look at it. She kept it in a jewelry box that I wasn’t allowed to touch, but when she was gone I’d sneak into her room and try it on just to see what it would look like on me. It looked really nice. The ring was beautiful, simple yet very elegant, a little big because my hands are a little smaller then my mom’s. I couldn’t wait for the day that I got engaged so she could pass it down to me.


She used to talk to me about that. She said that one day I would meet a man and fall completely head over heels in love and when the time came when we wanted to get married that this gentleman would ask for her permission to marry me, I always thought that was kind of funny, but now that I’m older I get the meaning behind it. Anyway, she would tell me that if she thought this boy was worthy then she would give him the ring to give to me. She told me that the usual tradition is that the oldest daughter gets the ring, but she didn’t think that was very fair for Dawn. So she told me that she didn’t want it to be a contest but whoever was going to get married first would get the ring. I always thought that it would be nice to have the ring for myself because it was so pretty, but now I want it because it meant so much to her. She was really looking forward to seeing me get married, and now I never will.


It’s not just that I’m seeing Faith and that gay marriage is still illegal, but I can’t get married without my mom being there. I just can’t. I haven’t talked to Faith about it because the issue has never come up between us. I don’t know if Faith wants to get married, we’re so close now that the wedding would just be a really expensive party. And I think she has issues with the subject. Kind of like when we’re just dating and live-in girlfriends there’s still that little tiny way out. That if things ever go horribly wrong then she or I could just up and leave. But if we’re married we wouldn’t be able to do that. She knows that marriage is a forever deal and I get the impression that if she were to ever get married she would stay with the same person for the rest of her life no matter what. I have that devotion now. I know that she would never leave me even if we don’t have the rings. But I can’t help but feel that a wedding would be nice, being a wife is something that I’ve always wanted to be, but I can’t. Even if I do want to marry Faith and be her wife and pledge to be with her for the rest of our lives, I can’t have a wedding because it wouldn’t be right to have one without my mom.


So, now that everyone is done eating we’re all putting our dishes in the sink. They can be left until later, possibly even tomorrow. This is a lazy day, chores are not supposed to be done. Matthew is almost bouncing he’s just so excited. I think it’s really cute to watch, mostly because Xander is acting the same way. I just hope that man calms down when his kid is born or else Katie is going to have her hands full. So, I sit down in front of this huge pile of presents, I can’t help but notice that some of them have been moved around a little. I know that Matthew got into them earlier but I put them back. Someone else has been digging around. That’s strange. Anyway, I sit Indian style, and Faith sits down next to me. Over by the entertainment center is Matthew, waiting a little impatiently. Kennedy and Willow are sitting a few feet away from me. Dawn and Kyle are on the smaller couch while Xander and his wife are on the larger one. Now it’s time to pass out the presents.


For nearly twenty or more minutes the only sounds you can really hear are the sounds of paper being ripped open. Every time Matthew opens up a present he’ll run over to Faith and me and show it off, we comment on it and then he’ll go over and start to open up some more. I really like the gifts that I got this year. Not too many but with the lack of quantity I got quality. Lots of jewelry, a new pair of shoes really nice ones too, and a Lewis Vaton hand bag from Dawnie. Faith got me some really nice diamond earrings, this really cool wooden stake that she carved some designs in and they’re filled with gold and silver. It looks really pretty. But I can tell that there’s something bigger, maybe not bigger in size but bigger in meaning because she keeps giving me this look like ‘just you wait, you’re really gonna be surprised’.


Faith loves all of the things that I’ve gotten her. She got the biggest smile on her face when she saw the T.V. Gave me a big sloppy kiss in front of everyone and then opened up the box. She can’t wait to set it up and then break the old one. When she opened up the necklace box she smiled and got this ooey gooey look in her eyes. She gave me a little kiss and said a thank you before opening up some of her other presents. Other then the necklace and the television I got her a brand new leather jacket because her old one is getting kind of ratty. She loves her jean jackets but she’s always really wanted a nice leather jacket. I have a couple more presents for her but she has to wait until later to get them. She’s definitely going to be getting a special Christmas present, that’s for sure.


I look towards the back of the tree and I see one last present. Kennedy sees it too and reaches behind the large tree and grabs it. She reads the nametag and then hands it to me. The box is really pretty. You remember that scene from ‘Lady and the Tramp’ in the very beginning when it’s snowing and the horse-drawn carriage is going down the street and there are all of those really nice houses just covered in snow? Well it looks sort of like that. Anyway, so I read the nametag myself and in Faith’s handwriting it simply says: To: B, From: Me. I give her a little eye roll. I lift off the lid and set it aside making sure not to ruin the pretty light blue bow. I look inside and it’s a little teddy bear. Aw, how sweet. I reach inside to pull it out and it feels really soft, like velvet. I set the box down on the ground and hold the bear with both of my hands. Around its neck is a little thin silver chain and dangling from the chain is ring. Not just any ring, but a diamond ring that looks almost exactly like my mother’s engagement ring. Well, this was definitely a surprise, I’ll give her that.


FPOV


She opens up the box and pulls out the bear. She has this little smile on her face after she feels how soft it is. She puts the box down next to her and holds the bear with both of her hands. It isn’t very big and hands easily wrap around it. She tenses up when she sees the ring. She looks at it for a few seconds and I sneak a peek at the Brat. Dawnie is holding her breath a little, breathing really shallow and she’s getting everyone attention. From their vantage point Xander and Katie can see what Buffy’s staring at. I feel Xander nudge my back with his foot to get my attention. I look back and he smiles at me and gives me a thumb’s up. I smile at him and then turn back to Buffy. She looks at the ring for a few more seconds and then looks up at me with tears in her eyes.


Now over the years I’ve figured out that there are many different types of tears, especially when it comes to the emotions of a girl. There good tears and bad tears. The good tears are the ‘I’m so overwhelmed with joy and happiness that I can’t help but cry’. Like after she had Mattie and she held him for the first time. Or when we got the house because there were like six other people that wanted it. But these are not those happy tears. These are the ‘how could you do something like this’ tears. The same type of tears that were in her eyes that night I came home drunk and accidentally cut Mattie with that piece of glass, and when we went through that rough patch and I would say some horrible things just to piss her off but she would get upset and cry for hours and I would feel like an asshole. That’s how she’s looking at me now. Like I just did something really horrible to her.


She jumps up off of the ground and quickly walks into the bedroom and quietly closes the door. She still has the bear with her, so that can be taken as a good sign right? Willow and Kennedy are looking at me strange because they didn’t see the ring. Mattie gets up and starts to walk off towards the hallway but thankfully Kyle calls him back and distracts him for me. I said that I respected the guy, right? Well if I didn’t then I’m saying it now. I put on a mask of happiness and everyone but Mattie knows that it’s fake. I can’t let him think that something is really wrong or else he’ll start to stress out. He hates it when me and B fight and he’ll just get upset if he knows that we’re going to.


But that’s just the thing, I don’t know if we’re going to fight because I don’t know what’s wrong with her. What was so bad that she had to run off in front of everyone? Did she not like the ring? Does she just not want to marry me? She can date me and fuck me but she really just has me stick around so she won’t be a single mom, that’s what is really going on. At least that’s what I’m starting to think. So we’ve never really talked about the marriage thing. She’s made comments here and there about how it would be nice to go on a honeymoon, but I think she just wants a vacation for a week or two away from all of the stresses of life. I thought that she’d want to get married. I know it isn’t legal, but marriage is more then just a piece of paper and some guy saying ‘I now pronounce you husband and wife’. I thought that we’d have a simple wedding and it would bring us closer together, ya know, spiritually and all of that other stuff.


So what am I supposed to think when she gives me that wounded look and then runs off? And now she’s crying. No one else but us slayers can hear it. Kennedy is looking at me with a ‘what the hell did you do?’ sort of look. What did I do? That’s one question I’d really like answered right about now. Willow goes to get up and I know that she is going to talk to Buffy but Dawn stops her. The littlest Summers gets off of the couch and walks into the hallway. After a minute or two of asking she finally just walks into the bedroom. Mattie is starting to get worried. I can tell that he wants to go back there so bad but he won’t, at least not yet.


After about five minutes of waiting very impatiently Dawn finally walks back into the room. I give her this pleading look and she just shrugs her shoulders. Great, so Buffy wouldn’t even talk with her own sister, I know she isn’t going to talk to me. Then Dawn kind of motions with her head in the direction of the hallway. She wants me to go back there and talk with Buffy. I don’t know if I can do that right now. I’ve been wounded here, my pride, my ego and my emotions are kind of bruised at the moment, but Dawn glares at me and I know I need to get in there or else Dawnie could be doing life or murder. I stand up and Mattie starts to follow me. Kyle tries to distract him but he’s determined to find out what’s going on with his mommy.


“Mattie, play with your toys ok? I’m going to go get mommy and then we have a surprise for you, alright?” He nods his head but he isn’t happy about it. The surprise is the bike that we bought him. I walk towards the bedroom door very slowly. Tucker is sitting in front of the door, whining because he knows that Buffy’s upset and he wants to help her. What can I say? He’s a good dog. I push him out of my way with my knee and I open the door very slowly. He tries to push passed me but I push him back with my foot and he gets the idea. I slowly walk into the room and close the door. I’m staring at the ground because I’m afraid of what I’ll see when I look up. She isn’t crying anymore, sniffling every once in a while but her sobs have stopped. I slowly look up and she’s sitting at the foot of the bed. The bear and chain are lying next to her and she’s holding the ring with her thumbs and index fingers by the band and she’s staring at the diamond. It’s the one she liked, why is she so upset by it now?


I slowly walk up to her and I bend my knees to kneel in front of her but that’s probably a bad idea. So instead I sit down next to her on the bed after I move the bear and chain over some more to make room for me. She doesn’t look up at me or anything else that would acknowledge my presence. She just keeps staring at the diamond. The stone is an emerald cut resting onto top of a silver band. The diamond itself isn’t very large, I don’t’ remember what the lady said at the store, she told me the exact size and shit, but oh well. It’s the one that Buffy looked at the longest, the one that I knew she wanted to try on. I even got it fitted for her size because it was a little too big. We just sit there in silence, as she gently moves the band back and forth between her fingers, making the diamond shine a little brighter when the light hits it in certain spots.


“I can’t.” She says and I think my heart just stopped. I don’t look over at her, I just keep looking at the ring. This thing that I thought would be such a good idea, that I thought she would be all for. God, I’m such an idiot. Why did I have to surprise her with this? We’ve never talked about marriage before, so no wonder she’s so blindsided. I sigh a little and prepare myself to ask. The least I deserve is an explanation. “I just…I can’t. It wouldn’t be right.” Because it’s me. She can’t marry something as disgusting as me. I’m nothing but a disgrace and I know that now. “It’s not you, so please don’t think that. It doesn’t have to do with you. I love you no matter what.” She sounds sincere and I know she means it but then what is the problem? “When I was younger my mom used to show me her engagement ring, it looked a lot like this, almost exactly like this.” Dawn did say that it looked familiar.


“She just couldn’t wait for the day someone would propose to me. She would tell me that when the relationship started to get serious she would pull the guy aside and tell him that the day he decided that he wanted to marry me he would have to ask for her blessing, and she told me that if she thought he was worthy then she’d give him her ring. It was in our family for like, three generations or something like that. We didn’t bury her with it. She told me one day that if something where to ever happen to her that she wanted either me or Dawn to have it. She would always tell me that it didn’t matter who was the oldest, it just mattered who fell in love first, who got married first and they would get the ring. And she said that it had to be real, that we couldn’t be getting married as a competition with each other.


“We would talk for hours about what my wedding was going to be like and how Dawn would be the maid of honor and all of the bride’s maids would be in really pretty blush colored satin dresses, and the bouquet would be small white roses tied together with a white satin bow. And after we moved to Sunnydale and I got so close with Giles and my dad skipped out on us we decided that if I ever did get married I’d ask him to give me away. She said that she would help me plan everything, and she would throw me a bridal shower and be there to calm me down if I got cold feet. She said that for the honeymoonI shouldpick a spot that would be nice and cool and that the hotel should have the best service so we don’t have to get out of bed. I can’t get married without her Faith, I just can’t. I love you with all my heart but I can’t have a wedding without my mom, it wouldn’t be the same without her.” She’s crying again and I wrap my arm around her timidly. I don’t know if she wants to be touched right now or not. She leans into me and I tighten my grip on her. “I miss her so much Faith. I want her back...I want my mom.”


She starts sobbing really loudly and I wrap both of my arms around her and pull her into a comforting hug. Her entire body is shaking and I hate that there’s nothing I can do to calm her down. I remember something that Joyce told me, and I think that Buffy should hear it, but she’s crying a little too loudly. I wait for her to calm down. I have no idea how long it took, could be minutes or hours, I have no clue. She pulls back and I gently reach out and wipe away her tears with my thumbs and then softly caress her cheek. With my other hand I gently take the ring from her and I look down at it for a few seconds before I look into her eyes.


“Remember that one Christmas eve after Angel came back and the First tried to get him to off himself?” She nods her head yes and that seems to depress her a little more but I need to tell her this. “You remember how I came over and then you had to leave?” She nods her head again and I can see the questions in her eyes. I’d probably be really confused too. “Well your mom and I had some time to kill so we started talking. I don’t know how but we started talking about the ring. She told me that you loved it so much and that you both couldn’t wait for you to find someone to love who would one day marry you. She got a little sad after that and told me how that living in Sunnydale isn’t a guarantee to living a long life. She said that you’d be devastated if she died, especially before your wedding day. She told me that she just wants you to be happy. That even if she isn’t there she wants you to have your special day.


“She told me that as long as the people that love you and care for you approve of the guy.” I can’t help but smile a little at that, she does too. “That’s askin for your hand then he’s good enough for her.And sheasked Dawn to make sure not to let you marry a guy that she would hate. So if I’m Dawnie approved then we’re good to go.” We laugh a little at that. She doesn’t say anything as she looks down at the ring. I can see that she’s still so confused. I lean forward and give her a little kiss on the forehead. “I’ll give you some time to think. Mattie’s getting worried, Kennedy’s doing all she can to hold him back.” She smiles and listens for it and we can hear the sounds of Kennedy quietly arguing with Mattie and trying to keep him in the living room. I give her one last kiss and put the ring in my pocket as I walk out the door.


I walk out to the living room and they’re all giving me worried looks but I smile to reassure them, even if I’m not sure that this is going to work out in my favor. I have my issues with marriage as well. To me it’s a forever deal, no messing around. Once you say those vows that’s it. I know I’m making it sound more like a death sentence then a great thing and I don’t mean to, but that’s the way I feel. Once you find someone that you love so much that you want to join together on a deeper level, you can’t back down from that. Sure people may have their reasons, they lose interest or the spouse cheats, stuff like that, but I know that I’ll do everything I can to make her the happiest person alive that she won’t ever think of doing anything like that. We’ve made it seven years together, we have a family, a nice house, there’s only one thing left to do and then we’ll be the happiest people ever.


I sit at the kitchen table and watch everyone else, all of the happy couples. I know I’m just depressing myself but I can’t help it. Buffy has a good reason, she wants to honor her mom and she feels like getting married without her there would be one of the biggest dishonors ever. I understand that, but I know what her mom said to me, Dawn was there too so she’ll know that I’m not making it up to manipulate her to marry me. I would never do that to her. Dawn sees that I’m looking a little down and she walks over to me and sits down in the chair to my right. She sits closer then she normally would and I really hope she isn’t going to pull one of her ‘I’m a scary bitch, hurt my sister and you’re dead’. I really don’t think I could handle that right now.


“I remember what my mom told me that Christmas eve you spent with us. I was going to tell Buffy when I went in there but she was crying too hard to listen to anything I would have to say.” I know that Buffy will believe Dawn. Brat would never lie like that, not when it’s concerning her mom. Neither of them would ever do something like that. So it looks like the decision is really up to Dawn. I hope she doesn’t hate me for being a little mean to her. Not really mean, just sarcastic like I am with everyone. “She’s not going to find someone better then you. You have you Matthew, you gave her a family, that’s one of the best things anyone could do. I love you like a sister and I think that my mom would want you to be the one to marry her. You tell anyone that I said the words ‘I love you’ to you and I’ll gut you like a fish.”


Aw, I knew there would be a scary part in there somewhere. But I ignore that because I have this feeling of...honor, like I am worth something after all. I reach over and give her a little hug but after a few seconds she shrugs me off and then tells the group that I just got a little emotional. I roll my eyes, she thinks she has this big image she needs to keep up or something. Then she walks off towards the bedroom to have ‘the talk’ with Buffy, and I can’t help but feel like my fate is in her hands. I don’t like that feeling. I sit here for a couple more minutes before I see Mattie really giving Kennedy a struggle. I get up and walk over to him. I pick him up and hug him against me. He whispers into my ear that he wants to go make sure that Mommy is ok because I did something to make her sad. I feel a little stab to the gut when he says that.


“I didn’t make her sad.” Not really, it wasn’t all me, it’s just ya know issues? Ok, I upset her, I’m willing to admit to you. But I can’t let my boy think that. “Mommy just isn’t feeling good, but she’s getting better. I’ll you see her in a little bit, ok?” He nods his head but he’s still worried about her. “Now, I think I promised you a surprise.” I put him down and walk him over to the door that leads out to the garage. I open it up and then walk down the cold steps. Why didn’t I put on shoes first? I pull the sheet off of the shiny blue bike and then carry it into the house. I set it down on the ground and he gets really excited. I climbs up on top of it and starts pushing at the pedals with his bare feet. It has training wheels, don’t worry. As long as he doesn’t run into anything he’ll be fine. Oh shit, I jinxed it. He makes a sharp turn and the front wheel knocks the little end table over. I try my best to catch it but my slayer reflexes are not their best right now, and the lamp crashes to the floor. Great, I can’t do anything right today, can I?