Time After Time Series

(TAT Story 5, Part C)
(Characters aren't ours... Joss')


One time... his lily-white ass. All night long, they'd reached for one another... demanded and received pleasure unlike any William had ever known. Touched each other in ways that he'd only ever dreamed possible.

Now the bed was a wreck. His floors were covered with bed clothes and blankets, and he had a naked student sprawled across it... a smile curving his lips.

William didn't know what to do. So he bathed... but all the water in the world would not wash away the affairs of the night before. So he dressed in his most formal clothes... but even they would not protect him from remembering that endless night. So he put his spectacles on... but they only revealed in more detail every plane and indentation of Alexander's body.

Standing there, watching him, he was a man haunted. He couldn't regret the pleasures of the night, but in the daylight... he saw more clearly than ever... Alexander was a boy. His student. He had failed him.

Alexander slowly woke up, gradually reaching awareness, a smile tugging at his lips as he stretched, feeling his body ache in all sorts of delightful ways. William had certainly not followed his 'only the one time' rule. Alexander had never expected William to be so passionate under all that formality and poise. Ever since he'd first met him, William had been strictly controlled, never letting himself loose...not even for Ariana. That William had let go for him, for Alexander...well it just made the night even more special, didn't it? Alexander spread his arms and legs, stretching his body as much as he could, his smile growing as he remembered little scenes from the previous night. He let himself slump back to relaxation and slowly opened his eyes to smile at William.

"Good morning," he murmured.

William scrubbed his hand over his face, straightening his glasses in the process. He opened his mouth, but not a sound came out. Wetting his lips with his tongue, he cleared his throat.

"I... Mr. Harris, I sincerely apologize for my conduct last night." His gaze swept over the expanse of the boy's chest and abdomen, and he quickly looked away, at the headboard right above Alexander's head. "It should never have happened. It.." he swallowed. "It didn't happen."

Alexander's smile disappeared at William's words.

"It did happen, William, and I will not allow you to deny it or apologize for it," he said. If his words were harsh it was only because of his drop from utter happiness to the misery of reality. William had not truly given in, he'd simply allowed himself one night with Alexander before retreating once more.

Denial hot on his lips, he shook his head so fast, it made it spin. He couldn't allow this, it would go whirling out of control if he did, of that, William was absolutely sure. "All right, have it your way. It happened. It was a mistake, one that both of us will forget the moment you ... you put your clothes on and leave."

Forcing himself to look down, he met anguished brown eyes. "Mr. Harris, there will be no more use of my given name. I am not William... you will call me Professor Fine. This cannot... it cannot go further. My career... your life... both are at risk, surely you understand."

"No William, I most certainly do not understand," Alexander snapped, sitting up on the bed and glaring at William. "I don't understand how you can do what you did to me, with me last night and still deny your feelings in the morning. I don't understand why you would want to deny them. I don't understand a bloody thing about this attitude of yours, and I will not accept it."

For an instant, he allowed himself to be lulled by thoughts of what it might be like to have someone in his life, as unconventional a someone as this might be, but it was only for a fraction of time. Reality always closed in on William Fine. This was no exception.

With all the coolness he could muster, he responded. "You have no
choice in the matter. I want you gone when I return from breakfast."

* * *

[Present]

"Fear of what people will think or do is a powerful thing. Especially back then. He... I was so afraid, I didn't even see history was repeating itself," Spike said looking down at Xander. Sometime during the long tale, the brunet had scrunched down, and was resting his head against Spike's chest.

"Yeah, well, that's no excuse for kicking him out like that," Xander mumbled, hiding his face against Spike’s shirt. He'd felt a small semblance of that when Faith kicked him out right after they'd had sex but to have those words uttered by someone you love...Xander could practically feel his heart breaking at the very thought.

"You think so?" Spike gave him a pointed look. "It's hard being Alexander."

"Don't look at me like that. I haven't been cruel to you!" Xander protested. He was sure he hadn't treated Spike that way. He was sure. He frowned in thought. Hadn't he? He hated being uncertain about anything, he liked things to be straightforward...simple. This was anything but simple. "Have I?" he asked, carefully not looking at Spike.

Spike didn't answer. Instead, he leaned his head back against the wall, closed his eyes and went on with his story.

* * *

[Flashback]

Two weeks had passed since that fateful night that would forever be
emblazoned in William's memory. He'd thought life as he knew it would be over. Well it was, but not in the ways he'd imagined. No one had found out. Alexander hadn't gone and told in a fit of remorse or anger. And he...Professor Fine, was still an illustrious member of the faculty.

But there were changes. He couldn't walk into any classroom, into any study hall, into the dining room, without being completely aware of Alexander's presence. And if he wasn't there, he couldn't help but wonder at his absence. The boy had mastered the art of anticipating his every move, and it was rare for William not to see or talk to him several times each day. He made avoidance impossible.

He had a devious streak in him, that much was quite obvious. Hadn't he somehow managed to have William assigned as his mentor for purposes of cultivating him toward a teaching career. Here. Right here. William's heart had dropped to his stomach when he'd first heard about it.

Of course, they had required meetings now. Careful to arrange them where they were in full view of others, William actually started to enjoy their discussions. Alexander did have a different way of looking at the world. More than that... he had an off beat sense of humor that could quite sneak up on a man, no matter how serious he was trying to be. Those were the times that William could be himself, and not quite so on edge.

However, outside those meetings, Alexander was obviously launching a massive campaign... refusing to allow William to ignore him. Little looks. Heated exchanges of the eyes. A hand straying down his body in an obviously sensual motion which paralyzed William, made him recall how he'd touched Alexander, how he'd made him cry out or pant with desire. There were even times when Alexander dared to touch him... under a table, leaning into him under guise of reaching for something, blowing gently into his ear.

If he'd thought of himself as the cool sort, above the base needs of most men, he was proved wrong over and over. Each time his body hardened. Each time his heart threatened to leap out of his chest. Each time he was forced to look away, if only to prevent himself from committing a lewd act in public view.

It was getting harder and harder. That much was true.

Looking in both directions, he entered the stacks in the library, and started searching through old volumes of essays. There was one in particular he'd seen last year, and it was a pity he hadn't noted it in his usual organized manner.

Alexander watched William enter the library from his vantage point on the second floor balcony, eyes following every movement. He'd been waging his very own war against William's pigheaded, stubborn, bloody annoying attitude for two lifetimes, and this time he was determined to win.

Lately, he'd even begun seeing signs of victory in the shaking of William's hands when Alexander stood too near him, in the quickening of his breath when Alexander touched him, but mostly in the relaxed pleasure in his eyes when they simply talked. Alexander could not bear the thought that maybe William would have preferred Ariana to him. Being jealous of yourself would have been even more insane than the present situation. Fortunately for Alexander, Ariana had never made William's eyes sparkle quite as he did.

Same soul, different upbringing, more fun for his lover, Alexander thought, laughing under his breath as he made his way to where William was. He approached stealthily, leaning forward to whisper into William's ear.

"Hello, William."

Warm breath brushed across his cheek, the low voice stirred his senses. Startled, William almost hit his head against one of the shelves and turned to find the brunet so close, he could feel the heat emanate from his body. "Alex... I mean..."

"Yes?" Alexander replied, smiling widely. He just loved turning William into a flustered mess. It was finally time to up the pressure, to make William unable to think of anything but Alexander's body. He stepped even closer to him, leaning close again to murmur straight into William's ear.

"I dreamt of you last night. You were inflicting such delicious tortures on me, making me writhe and beg and scream. I woke up and had to take myself in hand, all the while thinking of that dream, wondering when you would allow me to demonstrate the pictures floating in my mind."

William made an indecipherable sound and tried to tighten his resolve. But it was nigh impossible with Alexander standing so close he could smell his unique scent. That reminder alone took him to the primitive place in his mind and heart, a place he hadn't known existed until the boy had sneaked into his bed. Desire... rough and strong. Passion, like a storm that could not be stopped. Hellfire poured through his veins, making him sway forward.

He really oughtn't... but the ache was too strong now. Slanting his mouth over Alexander's, he kissed him with a hunger that had built up over time. As heat flared between them, he found himself draw Alexander in his arms, hold him so tight neither could breathe. And yet it wasn't enough. A voice inside his head whispered, it would never be enough.

Alexander had expected William to pull back, tell him in no uncertain terms that he should stop torturing him and leave. He certainly hadn't expected William to launch such focused passion at him. At first he stood there, stiff and unyielding, but within moments the shock passed and he responded ardently, desperate for a taste of his lover after so long without. He wrapped his arms around William and tilted his head, trying to reach right inside him, draw him out so he couldn't hide from Alexander anymore. When William pulled back to breathe, he whined softly and followed his movement, pressing his lips hard against William's, unwilling to let this end so soon, especially as he didn't know when William would allow him this again.

The air rushed out of William's lungs. Alexander was kissing him with such intensity, it took his breath away. He was hot... so hot, he couldn't think straight. The feel of Alexander's hard, male body, pressing against him. The burning sensation of his arousal pressing into William's thigh. The roughness of his labored breath. Eager for more, William pulled at Alexander's shirt, tugging it up.

The shock of silky, warm, smooth skin under his palms brought him around. He pulled away abruptly, touching his mouth and breathing out... staring at Alexander. In the middle of the library... in public... they could have been caught! "This is madness... this only proves it," he said harshly, trying to clamp down on his urges. "No more, Alexander... no more," he warned, his voice shaky, as he walked away, still in such a state that he didn't bother to straighten his
rumpled clothing.

Alexander crumbled dazedly into the nearest chair, unable to do anything but watch William leave him. Despite his determination to prove Will wrong, Alexander couldn't help but feel like there was a chance he would fail this time much as he had last time. If William could kiss him like that and then just walk away, maybe his walls wouldn't fall down. Alexander closed his eyes and drew in a steadying breath.

"I won't give up. I won't."

***

A few days passed, and William started to feel a bit more secure in the fact that what had happened in the library would never happen again.
And yet, he took the extra precaution of always being accompanied when he walked across the college property. Like a proper virgin guarding his virtue, he always had a chaperone close by. The only problem was he wasn't feeling quite so virtuous.

His mind was often filled with impure thoughts. Very impure thoughts that had him imagining seeing Alexander doing the things he talked about ... touching himself. Of course his thoughts never stopped there. He could only watch the brunet for so long, before breaking under the torture.

It had taken him hours to fall asleep tonight. But it had been productive, his scribbles had filled an entire notebook... and though he'd need to work on them, he already knew his poems were good...inspired. They were filled with color…scarlet, cimmaron, with weather, thunder and lightning... and passion, dear God he hadn't experienced such passion in years.

And here he was now... awake again. With a sigh, he lowered his legs off his bed and got up. Rubbing his eyes, he felt for his robe and pulled it off the back of the chair. The long trek to the privy down the hall was not something to look forward to. Still in a half-stupor, he pulled the door behind him and headed down the corridor.

Alexander left Professor Debenham's rooms feeling a little bit more optimistic than he had before. Things with William may not be working out, but at least his professional life was on track. Father may not be proud, but he would be accepting. Having a son teaching at Oxford would help his reputation greatly even if it would not bring in more money. The professor and Alexander had stayed up all night making arrangements for Alexander's first term as an instructor, the classes he would teach and the research he would undertake. The professor wanted to take a trimester sabbatical to visit Crete, and he considered Alexander to be the perfect replacement.

A few step toward the exit, he caught sight of William wandering toward his room.

"Hello, Will" he said, stepping in the other man's path.

William faltered, stared intently at the very reason he couldn't sleep. "I told you not to call me that... what are you doing here?"

"And I told you I'm more stubborn than you this time," Alexander replied, stepping closer. "I had business to discuss."

The jolt of heat caused by his student's nearness was scorching. William practically tripped as he backed away, his gaze nevertheless latched longingly onto the boy's mouth. Calling himself all sorts of fool, he forced his thoughts into some semblance of order. "You have no business with me at this hour... you ought to be abed... in your room..." he swallowed hard, and took a deep breath.

"Yes...being abed would be a wonderful idea," Alexander practically purred as he followed William's movements until he had him pressed against the wall. "You room is closer though, perhaps we should use your own bed instead," he said, right into William's ear, nibbling lightly on his neck.

"No!" His voice was heavy with the agony stirred by Alexander. His battle was as much with his own body as with the boy's. And yet, he turned his face toward him... toward the heat of his mouth. "Please..." he begged for an out... an escape.

"Would I ever deny you, my William?" Alexander said and captured William's mouth with his. His hands sunk into William's hair, holding his head steady as he pushed through William's resistance, kissing him insistently until he could feel a response.

Will groaned as his resistance crumbled under the onslaught of Alexander's kiss. He could no more stand there unmoved, than he could push him away. His taste, his scent... they'd lingered in William's memory, tortured him to the point of madness. And now, like an addict in need of his opiate, he kissed the boy back, his hunger growing with every stroke of tongue against tongue.

As heat arced between them, he opened his legs and pulled Alexander up hard against him. There was no room for thought, for fear, for shame.... all he needed was right there in front of him, and he could do no other than to take, and take.

Alexander pressed hard against William, moaning into the kiss. He'd
thought he was always in control, always the one who began their intimacies, but
once William surrendered Alexander would catch fire and could think of nothing but getting closer, getting more. He lost control of his own body the moment William responded to his passion.

His hands left William's head, pushing frantically under his nightshirt, eager to feel his lover's skin. One hand traveled up his back, tracing William's spine, the other moved down, over his ass, muttering happily as he used his grip to pull William harder against him.

It wasn't fair.... the way he was swamped by a need that complicated his otherwise simple life. It wasn't fair, how his body cried out for this boy's touch, how he gave in to the temptation of running his hands up and down his back, and lower. How he hardened to the point of aching. How he wanted to tear his robe off, and give Alexander more access.

A door creaked down the hall, bringing William to his senses. He broke the kiss, leaned his head back against the wall. "Someone's coming." He swallowed, tried to regain control over his labored breath. "You must go."

"No," Alexander whimpered, leaning down to kiss and lick at William's exposed neck. "I'm not leaving," he said more firmly, pressing his cock against William, "I need you."

He heard William repeat that someone was coming and the words finally penetrated his brain. "Fine, we'll go into your room," he said, grabbing hold of William's arm and tugging him toward the door. He moved as fast as he could, desperate to get into the room before they were found and, more importantly, before William's head cleared enough to send him away.

"Oh God... oh God," William repeated, trying to harden his heart...trying to harden his resolve. "You are going to get me dismissed. Disgraced. Alexander, I cannot do this," he stopped near his door and gave the boy a closed mouth kiss, and slipped away, closing the door firmly behind him. Resting his back against it, he started to shake. The things he wanted... the things he'd seen in Alexander's eyes, they were impossible. Impossible.

"No," Alexander said to the closed door. "NO!" he repeated more loudly, kicking at it. The door wouldn't open though, and someone else was coming down the corridor. Alexander had no choice but to retreat.

***

The night had been torture. The day was worse. All day long, William felt the weight of Alexander's gaze. Part playful, he'd stare in a most inappropriate manner, until William showed some sort of reaction ... dropped a book, forgot his words, or gave him a quelling look.

What was worse were the longing looks. Those were unintentional... moments William caught Alexander unawares and saw clear through to his soul. A person's bare feelings always affected you, especially if you were a poet. William tried to tell himself that was why he felt Alexander's pain.... why he was ashamed of the pain he was causing the boy. He wasn't a risk taker, he never had been. And that was what Alexander wanted of him... just as Ariana had wanted it of him. He was not the man either of them needed.

By day's end, he was quite the emotional wreck. His body craved Alexander's touch. He was dying for a bit of the boy's conversation, for he made him laugh even when William was in the foulest of moods. And yet today, he made sure to avoid the boy... for his body would betray him again. He could not allow it.

After night fell, dressed in nondescript, dark clothes, William left the campus. Hiring a hackney, he went to the seedy part of town. Oxford didn't have the variety offered in London. In the big city, he might have found a bisexual brothel... because what he needed, nay wanted, was the touch of a man. There were no such brothels in this much smaller town.

He hopped off the hackney and visited several establishments that appeared to be clean. Unfortunately, most were stocked with buxom wenches... and he was not in the mood for curves. Finally, he settled on a woman with straight black hair cut short, just beneath her ears. She could pass for a man, especially since she hadn't rouged her lips or cheeks.

If she could give him the relief he needed, then he wouldn't be as on edge...so nervous...so ready to succumb to his lust for his student. He sat in the semiprivate room that was curtained off, and waited.

Alexander had stepped out of the coach, frowning when he realized what kind of neighbourhood he was in. He'd seen William leave the campus, and, on a whim, decided to follow him. Maybe this would reveal something that would help Alexander break through the walls William kept building between them. He was sure he'd followed the right coach, William had made no effort to be stealthy. But still, why would William be here?

"Wait for me here," he instructed the driver, dropping a few coins on his palm. He hesitated in front of the door he'd spotted William passing through and, taking a deep breath, walked in.

He looked around until he caught someone's attention and very politely enquired after William, carefully mentioning no names. He was sure he was wrong anyway, he'd probably followed the wrong man. The woman seemed to understand who he was talking about and, after some money exchanged hands, she pointed at a door. Alexander nodded and quickly stepped through the door, readying his apologies for interrupting a stranger like that.

"I'm sorry sir, I was...William?"

The colour drained from his face as he stood there, looking at William, naked and wanting, with some woman.

"William...you...I..." But I was there, he wanted to say, I was there for you to do with what you wanted. I begged you to, I offered myself. "I guess I was wrong. You are for Ariana, not Alexander," he finally said, eyes quickly filling with tears. He ran from the room, from William who wanted women, not him. He climbed into the coach, instructing the driver to take him back to the university as fast as he could.

Shocked, William almost came off the edge of the bed, where he'd been sitting and getting serviced. The last thing he'd imagined was that Alexander would walk in.

The one thing he could never have imagined was the crushed look that replaced the irrepressible playful light that usually danced in his soft brown eyes.

He wanted to chase him. To stop him. But what would he say? What could he say that wouldn't give the boy false hope? Maybe this was better. Maybe it was the answer he'd been looking for...the thing that finished it between them.

Then why was it that as he stretched out and held the lightskirt's head in place, that as he guided her to take him in her mouth the way he wanted, it was Alexander's mouth he imagined, Alexander's sounds he heard, and Alexander that he imagined rolling over and fucking? Alexander, who spoke words of love to him?

***

The drive back to the campus took forever. It was raining.... just like that fateful Christmas Eve so long ago. How he'd hated Christmas since then.

He'd gone to the manor house, to deliver his gift for Imogen. Well, he'd given his young student a book, and then Ariana had found a way to steal a few moments with him. That was when he'd given her his present. Twelve poems, all inspired by her. "Happy Christmas," he whispered, daring to thread his fingers through hers and give her hand a squeeze.

Ariana smiled happily, more excited about having William's hand in hers than any present he could give her. "I'm so glad you came, William," she said, holding on to him tightly.

"Me too. I knew tomorrow would be impossible, but today..." She took his breath away, she did. She was so far above him, that he dared not dream. And yet he did dream... in his poetry, and in his mind. "You look lovely. Like a summer day," he said, just as the dark December clouds thundered.

He was about to pull away, when he caught the mischief in her eyes and followed her gaze. Hanging right above them was some mistletoe wrapped in ribbon. "Ari..." he started to chide her, but changed his mind and leaned over to give her a chaste kiss on the cheek.

Ariana couldn't help but smile at the gentle chiding tone he so often used when he said her name. She turned her head just enough to have his lips meet hers instead of her skin and tentatively opened her mouth a bit, the way her cousin had told her. She'd been wanting to kiss William so much after that first, chaste time so she had asked her cousin what real kissing felt like. She'd blushed throughout the explanation, but now she tried to use what she had learned, pressing her lips softly against William's.

Lips... so soft and silky ... under his. Parted for him... and so sweet... for him. Before his mind caught up, he had his arms around her waist and was dipping his tongue into her mouth. It was highly improper. Not at all chaste. But she made it hard for him, his Ariana. And it was the Christmas season. Perhaps he would accept this gift that would have to last him a lifetime. He drew her closer, his hands practically spanning her narrow waist. But when he felt his body stir, he broke the kiss. "Ariana...." he choked her name out. "You make me forget myself."

"I assure you it is entirely mutual," Ariana replied, blushing as she smiled up at him, "I can hardly remember my own name," she continued, leaning upwards to kiss him again, emboldened by the affection in his eyes.

He sucked in his breath and fought his baser instincts, pulling away and moving out of reach. "It's Ariana. Lady Ariana," he said with a suddenly heavy heart. "I won't ever forget this moment, this gift..." he swallowed and touched his fingers to her mouth, then to his. "I... if I stay, I will ruin you. That is something I would never want to do." He forced the words out of his mouth, even as each one killed a another part of him. "I'm going to leave my position.
I'll give notice next week and suggest another tutor for Imogen."

It took Ariana a few moments to comprehend William's words, so lost was she in the newfound sensations swirling through her body.

"I don't understand," she said, reaching out to clasp his hand. "Ruin me? How? We can speak to my father, I'm sure he'll have no objection to our union, and, if he does, we can talk to him. He...he'll see how we feel." Ariana shook her head, determined to make him see sense. "Yes, that is what we'll do. You won't leave, William."

He gave a pained smile at her naivety. "Someday, you will be a duchess or a countess or..." He didn't want to imagine her with other men, one more reason to leave. "You're father would never sanction a union with a teacher... I hardly earn enough to keep you in the style you are used to," he waved his arm. "Nor do I have the background...it is a dream, a beautiful, but impossible dream. I should never have encouraged it. I am sorry." He stepped well away from her, tried to close his eyes and heart to her anguish. "There will never be another for me, if that is any comfort."

"That is no comfort at all, William, nor will it need to be, because you are not leaving me!" Ariana replied, growing marginally hysterical. William could not leave her, he could not, she needed him!

"Ariana, shshsh," he glanced guiltily toward the door. "Next year, you will be in London, dancing, seeing new sights... this will be but a dream, I promise you. I won't let you throw away your life, not for me." Taking her hand, he kissed it, then let it go, though his heart broke.

"William, please," she begged as she took a step closer to him, reaching out to curl one hand around his nape, "you're talking nonsense, we love each other. We'll be wed, and we'll be happy. You'll see, we'll be so happy."

An ice cold shard of fear stabbed him in the heart. Fear for her, for her choices. "Love? Who said anything about love?" His lips thinned as the bitter lies fell. "A kiss isn't love. What you felt, that is what passes between every man and woman. It's nothing special." He'd reversed himself, but he knew how emotional she was...she wouldn't think it over until later, until it was too late.

"No, you love me. I know you do. William..." she reached out for him, but he simply stood there, shaking his head, telling her once more that he didn't love her. She turned around and fled the room, going to the one place she could find peace, to the one way she could outrun her feelings. William didn't love her, he felt nothing for her but crude lust, she was nothing to him. The world seemed wrong somehow with those words in it. Wrong and painful and a thing to run from. She reached the stables and saddled her horse, galloping out as fast as
Tristan would take her, leaving William and his cruel words behind.

Numb with pain, he'd dragged a chair... a chair worth more than every piece of furniture in his small boarding room put together...under the kissing bough and dared to step onto it to take the mistletoe down. He would keep it forever with him.

It was by chance that he turned and saw out the window... a streak of brown and red.... Ariana riding away in the rain. Panicked, he dropped the ribbon and jumped down, crushing the mistletoe.

Mad with fear for her, he ran out to the stables, drenched to the bone by the time he got there. His calls for help went unheard, so he quickly saddled a horse... hoping he'd done it right. And he mounted, slapped the horses rear and headed out in the direction he'd seen her go. He wasn't a horseman... but he rode at a breakneck speed, worried more for her than for himself.

The ground thundered. The skies thundered. He saw her in a distance; his heart raced as he leaned forward and rode on.

Not so fast! William's heart froze. He knew, even before it happened, he knew.

Rain poured. Her horse slipped. It neighed. Her scream pierced the silence. It was his name on her lips. His name she spoke, before she died.

He dismounted, pulled her out of the mud and into his arms. But she was gone... his Ariana was already gone. He held her tight to his breast and screamed... offered his soul in her stead. Begged for another chance. .. but no one was listening.

***

Breakfast was a dull affair. Alexander wasn't around to torture him, although his empty chair was a torture of sorts. All night long, William had thought about the way Ariana had run from him, from his cowardly lies. That image was now replaced with Alexander's face.

Did history repeat itself? It could not. Alexander wasn't Ariana...he wouldn't have done anything mad. He...

Feeling a pat on his shoulder, he turned to find one of his students. "Professor, it's time for class." Indeed, the dining hall was now empty.

Class dragged. Again, all William could see was that empty chair. A feeling of dread settled around him. It almost choked him. He ended the class early.

Lunch was worse. He got through it by drinking more wine than water. If anyone noticed, Professor William Fine did not give a twig. He only wanted the pain to dull. The pain, and the fear. Irrational fear.

That was what he told himself. That was the mantra he repeated over dinner, or when he asked certain students if they'd seen Alexander and received careless shrugs. That's what he told himself as he slipped inside the students' quarters. Those who were wealthy had their private rooms. Alexander had made sure he knew that his room was private, and exactly where it was located. Damn the boy. Damn him for worrying him. Damn him for working his way into William's life, pushing, shoving, cajoling, creeping in... like a weed that would not be stopped. Damn him!

William put his ear on the wooden door. Hearing nothing, he knocked softly.. resisting the urge to break it down.

Alexander ignored the knock, burrowing deeper under the covers. People had been trying to talk to him on and off since the previous night, when he'd stormed past his friends in a state. He'd steadfastly ignored them, in no mood to deal with any expression of sympathy or interest. He just wanted to be left alone to forget what he had seen. Unfortunately the picture would not leave his mind. William lying back on that bed, his face a picture of pleasure as that woman pleased him.
He angrily wiped the tears from his eyes and pulled his blanket more tightly around him.

William rapped on the door again, this time louder. "Alexander. Open this door."

Alexander's head popped out of the warm cocoon he'd created, and he stared at the door. Was that William? No, it couldn't be. William didn't want him. He wanted soft curves and breasts and pretty women.

There. He was quite sure he'd heard a slight sound. But he wanted to see him. Make sure Alexander was all right. "Please open the door." He licked his lips. "I want to... to talk."

William...for a moment Alexander's heart soared. William had come to him, wanted to see him. Alexander sat up on the bed, ready to get out and open the door. But then he realized that William was sounding guilty and sad. He hadn't really come to see Alexander, William merely wanted to assuage his guilt for causing him pain.

"I do not wish to see you," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "You have nothing to feel bad about, Professor Fine, you may go."

"Shshsh... don't call my name ..." If anyone heard. If anyone knew. The fear was still there, but William had to see him. He needed to see him. "You said you wouldn't give up," he reminded the boy.

"You said I should," Alexander replied, getting back under the covers, "You showed me your preferences. You won. Now, go."

"What did I win? More time alone. A pain in my heart? That's not winning, Alexander. It's just..." he put his forehead against the door. "The tragedy of life."

Alexander sat up again, frowning. "What are you saying?"

"Open this bloody door, don't leave me in the hall."

"Why? You made your intentions very clear last night. There's nothing more to say. Go away, Professor Fine, you owe me nothing."

"I'm not talking to you about this through a closed door. If you don't want to hear what I have to say, then..." he pushed away from the door, and took a deep breath.

Alexander sighed. William sounded so defeated. He couldn't stand to leave him sounding like that. "The door's unlocked, you may come in."

Now why hadn't he thought of that himself? William pushed the door open, walked in and closed it behind him. The strain was plain on Alexander's face, now pale and drawn. He was quite sure that his own was in the same state. "Alex.... I was worried."

Worried was an understatement. Suddenly, William found he had to touch the boy. A few, very difficult, steps later, he was running his hands down Alexander's arms. "You're all right. You're all right."

Alexander leaned away from William's touch. There was only so much he could handle and he was near the edge as it was. "As you can see, I'm fine. I told you, I'm not Ariana, I won't go galloping off and break my neck. You can go now, your conscience has nothing to burden it."

William flinched. "I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't dream you'd be there. Alexander..." He looked down, if only to hide the tears stinging his eyes. "I've never been lucky in love. It's always the ones that I can't have that I fall for... and then there's tragedy. I don't want that for you."

Alexander rubbed his eyes, fatigue overwhelming him. "All I ever wanted was you. Two lives in a row and all I still want is you. I'm not Ariana, I can make my own way, I don't need you to support me. I just need you."

He leaned further back on the bed, resting his head against the wall and closing his eyes. "If you don't want me back, William, that's fair enough, but don't give me up unless you truly don't want to have me. I can live without you. I don't want to, but I can."

Two lives in a row. Two lives. Those words tore him apart like nothing else had. They were true. Could he afford to waste love lost then found?

Could he really walk out that door? Could he deny the ache that ate at him when they were apart? Or when he pushed Alexander away? Could he find something else to smile about... fill that hole in his life if he let the boy slip away from him?

In two steps, he crossed the space between them and got down on his knees in front of the bed. With his arms around Alexander's waist, he rested his cheek against his abdomen. "You were born for me, not once... but twice. I am a coward. I am scared. I don't know what to do... but I don't want to lose you. By God... I can't lose you," he said, his voice thick with the emotions choking him.

Alexander started when he felt William's arms wrap around him, his heart nearly bursting with joy at his words. "You don't have to. You're not going to. I'm a stubborn idiot, you know that," he replied, a smile lighting his face. "More stubborn than you are scared, anyway."

There. A sliver of skin was exposed. William pressed his mouth to the spot on Alex's abdomen, closing his eyes as heat inched through his system. "The first time I felt truly alive was when you kissed me. Your love gave me life, and then you were dead and so was I, withered away in misery and loneliness. Then you came back, and it was as if I was reborn, alive once more with you. I want to stay alive, Alexander."

Alexander's breath caught in his throat as he felt William's lips on his skin. "Will...wait, we need to talk first," he stammered, hands sinking into William's hair.

"Now you want to talk," he smiled against Alexander's skin, then blew on it lightly. "Alright, luv..." he smiled again, as he tested the word.

"Luv, huh?" Alexander grinned, rolling the world in his mouth. He liked that..."Luv."

He felt William shift against him, and his body reacted strongly to the proximity. This only brought forth pictures of the previous night. William enjoying someone else. The smile faded as pain lanced through him once more. "We need to talk," he repeated, "about last night."

William slowly crawled up Alexander's body and crossed his arms on the boy's chest, so he could rest his chin on his forearms. Then he saw how serious Alexander looked. "I didn't know you'd be there," he repeated his earlier statement.

"You must realize, that doesn't make it better William," Alexander replied, feeling as stiff as he sounded, "You went to some woman, the one thing I can't compete with, you went to a woman. Am I...is a man not enough for you?"

It was a fair question, and not something he's thought about. William lifted his head and looked straight into Alexander's eyes. "You are more than enough for me. Before you, I... well, let's just say I didn't visit the well too often. Not even to pleasure myself. It all changed when you appeared." He ran his thumb up and down Alex's throat as he spoke. "The last time was... maybe two years ago," he
admitted. "It wasn't her I was looking for, it was you. I thought a bit of relief would help me stop thinking... stop wanting. But..." he shook his head and gave a low laugh, "when I closed my eyes, I didn't see her."

"You couldn't handle wanting me, so you ran away to someone else?" Alexander asked, with a hint of reproach.

"Yes. That sums it up. You must admit you were torturing me," he added, and let his hand stray down Alexander's chest, then slowly pushed it back up together with the material of his shirt.

"Not with the intention of sending you to someone else!" Alexander protested. William's hand moved under his clothes, distracting him and making him shiver. "You...oh yes, do that again....you won't do that again, right?"

"No... not with anyone but you," he promised, circling his thumb lower and lower, watching intently as all sorts of expressions crossed over Alexander's face. "Just you," he promised, lowering his head, slanting his mouth over those tantalizing lips and kissing him. The kiss started slow and lazy, but soon it set them both on fire.

***
[Present]

Xander whooped and bounced on the bed, grinning widely. "He finally got his head on straight! Yay for them!"

"Yeah... he finally got into a lot more sex than he bargained for. Stop bouncing, yeah... chains," he said, nodding toward the wall.

"Chains, schmains, they got together, it's all good!" Xander grinned some more, but he quit his bouncing. "Please don't tell me one of them died two weeks later because I won't forgive you! Ever!"

"No, luv. They moved to housing off-campus... found two apartments with an adjoining door. It was a house that had been converted into separate dwelling units. William remained paranoid, and Alexander teased him mercilessly. The end." His gaze shifted to the boy. "Why are you this happy?"

Xander shrugged in reply. "Happiness is not something we get to see often on the Hellmouth. It's nice to hear that someone, somewhere, was happy. Especially since you keep insisting that someone was me."

"It is you." He wished the boy would see. Yes, he was moving in the right direction, but why couldn't it be faster. "Tired now. Will you stay?"

Xander looked at Spike, studying his face and trying to figure out the emotional state the blond was in. The story seemed to have calmed him down a bit, but not as much as Xander had hoped. He didn't want Spike to have another episode, not when he was chained up and confused as it was. "Sure, I'll stay," he replied, squirming until he was lying with Spike's head on his chest. "Let's pretend I'm your personal hot water bottle. That way you get to stay warm, and I get to fool myself for a little while longer."

It took Spike a few seconds to wrap his mind around that. Then he was
the one grinning. "You make a good hot water bottle. Very hot." Spike pressed his mouth into Xander's chest.

Maybe he wasn't so tired after all.

The end


(I hope you all enjoyed this story. I don't think the next one will be posted until March or April. I have just started a yahoo group where I announce new fics by me, or joint fics - like this one with Nashmaveric. I post my stories everywhere at the same time (tho only the R and NC-17 go to this board). If you would like e-mail notice that stories or updates have gone up, consider joining: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Bloody_Bad_Poet_Fic/ I look forward to and appreciate all your comments)