Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me
folder
BtVS AU/AR › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
50
Views:
15,124
Reviews:
42
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
BtVS AU/AR › Slash - Male/Male › Spike(William)/Xander
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
50
Views:
15,124
Reviews:
42
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer (BtVS), nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Eight
Spike woke to the sound of a human heartbeat and the stench of fear, guilt and sorrow. He knew it was Xander; the lad was the only living person who knew where Spike’s lair was. Spike just wondered what had the human’s knackers in a bunch this time.
He pulled on his jeans and a tee shirt and made his way out of the bedroom he’d fixed up for himself and into the living room where Xander was pacing. “What bug crawled up your arse and died, pet?”
Xander jumped, his eyes wide. “Shit! I’m sorry, I…I didn’t mean to wake you up or anything. I can leave if you want, it’s just…”
Spike threw himself on the couch and picked up his cigarettes and lighter from the end table. As he lit up he looked at Xander from behind his eyelashes. The lad was pale and obviously nervous. He was shifting from foot to foot as if he was about to run.
“Well, out with it! Whatever has you in an uproar won’t get any better with you nancying about.”
“Umm, okay. Larry’s dead.”
Spike cocked his head to the side and thought a minute. “Who?”
“Larry!! The guy who was beating the crap out of me that night you helped me. Him and his two goons. They found their bodies in the storm drains, and something had eaten them!”
Spike just shrugged and put his feet up on the couch. “No skin off my nose, fuckers like that are always food for somethin’ or other. Not enough brains between the three of them to go around.”
Xander came over and stood right in front of him, crowding his space. “Don’t you get it? It’s my fault! If I hadn’t shot my mouth off, they wouldn’t have been using me for a punching bag, and you wouldn’t have done…whatever it was you did. It’s all my fault!”
Spike rolled his eyes at the human’s dramatics, moved his feet and pulled the boy down onto the couch with him.
“First of all, s’not your fault. They made their own choices, and it was their idea to pummel you but good. I’m sure if you'd been given the choice you would have said “No thanks” to having your ribs broken and your head near smashed in.”
“Secondly,” and here he gave Xander a shake to make sure he was listening. “Secondly, Xander, you didn’t ask me to do a bloody thing. That was my choice. And I don’t really give a shit if I left them for dead or unconscious. Didn’t pay attention. They could have been knocked out, came around and got dragged off by some other baddie. Something could have come around and found them unconscious and decided to have a treat. Don’t know, don’t care.”
“You really don’t, do you?”
Spike sighed and thought for a moment, trying to find the best way to explain things to this human child who was just waiting to be hurt. “I can care, vamps who are childer of Masters have all the emotions we were capable of when we were turned. Love, fear, anger, happiness. It’s all there. But we’re totally self-involved. Those humans meant nothing to me, so they could be sitting there being killed in front of me and the most I’d do was enjoy the show. I care about people who have something to do with me.”
“Now you, you with your goodness and helping people, did what most of the two-legged blood bags on this earth wouldn’t do. You helped me. Not because I meant anything to you, but because in your view it was the “right” thing to do. That’s how you are, and why I gave a shit when those blokes were walloping you. But I can’t care about everyone; for one, I’d fucking starve to death if I worried about my next meal’s feelings. For another, that’s how I was made. Understand?”
“Yes. No. Maybe.” Xander was still uneasy, Spike could tell. But he could almost see the wheels in his brain turning that information around, looking at it from every angle, and at least he was trying to understand. If he could it would make things in the long run much easier.
“Well, as long as you pick one of those three you’ll do alright. Now enough with the touchy feely crap, you’d think we were bints or something.”
Xander gave a halfhearted laugh and Spike was surprised to find he missed hearing the boy’s full on enjoyment of life. He grinned to himself. He knew what would cheer the mortal up.
“C’mon. Let’s go pay the poof a visit. We can watch from the building across from his apartment and make fun of his hair.”
Xander smiled but it was halfhearted. “That’s such a teenager thing to do. You’re supposed to be all mature and all that.”
Spike snorted. “Maturity is for wankers. You gotta have fun in life or you might as well lie down in your grave. Lookit Angel. Brooding, lurking in the shadows, digging around dumpsters for rats and other vermin to snack on. Didn’t even try to fight for his lady love until you forced him.” Xander had told that story, and Spike had loved the mental image of this human child being braver than the Poofter Formerly Known as Angelus.
“Fucker might as well go out and wait for the dawn. He’d not enjoying his life, he wasn’t even helping anyone until he popped a boner for a slip of a girl. He’s a waste of space.”
*****
“Then why is he interested in Buffy if he’s that far over her head? For that matter, why do you let me hang out with you? Surely there’s someone more interesting than some teenage kid for you to talk to. I’m, what, a hundred years younger than you? Why do you even waste your time with me?”
And Xander really wanted to know. He was just so damned confused, it was like there was a million things running through his head and each one wanting attention. He still felt guilty for Larry’s death. Willow had found the coroner’s report online and he’d seen the damage that had been done. No vampire had snacked on them, but Larry and Kevin’s skulls had been crushed and Mike’s stomach had been ripped open.
Not exactly an easy death.
He had heard Spike’s reasoning, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He knew better than to mouth off to the local goons, it was just sometimes his mouth went faster than his brain did. And Spike had helped him by knocking them out. Even if he wasn’t guilty, he was at least a contributing factor.
And there went the big words again. He really needed to stop watching reruns of Law & Order. As if there was anything else on.
Spike’s voice pulled him out of his internal monologue. “Xan, for us vamps, if we just talked to people our age, well, we’d end up talking to no one. Besides, pet, ever heard of the saying you’re only as young as you feel? When you’re immortal that’s pretty much the truth. You act like a middle aged stick in the mud, that’s how you feel. Now, I listen to rock music, not that easy listening crap. Punk and hard rock. I actually keep up with the current trends; I may not follow them, but I know enough to be able to fit in just about any club. It’s handy for hunting but it’s just plain fun. I even know how to get on the Internet. Makes things less boring during the day when I can’t go out.”
“Oh.” That made good sense to Xander. It would get awfully boring being stuck inside all day. That damned voice in the back of his head said that it was smart to learn things about your prey. “So that’s why Angel’s so…boring. He does boring things. See, I’ve always thought it was kind of gross, this guy who’s like 250 plus years old dating a girl who’s 16. And I didn’t know what they found to talk about. I mean, besides ‘Angel’s deep brown eyes’ or ‘Angel’s big strong arms’.”
“I hope like hell you’re quoting there, pet.” Spike growled just a bit and Xander grinned. It almost sounded like Spike was jealous.
“I am. I’ve sat through many a lunchtime discussion listening to all of Angel’s many good qualities. If I didn’t like my food so much I probably would have tossed it.” Xander couldn’t help but keep grinning. It had been odd trying to rationalize to himself why he had a sort of crush on someone so much older than he was, especially when he thought it was gross when it came to Buffy and Angel. But what Spike said made sense.
Now he had to get over the whole being the cause of Larry’s death part.
Before he could get into another round of guilt, Xander jumped up from the couch. “Come on, if you’re going to be juvenile you can watch from across the street and I’ll go knock on Angel’s door four or five times and run off. We can see how long it takes for him to realize it’s me pulling his chain.”
He really shouldn’t, he knew. Willow was back and had fussed at him for not doing his summer reading. As if anyone but her and a few of the other nerds had actually cracked a book all summer. Besides, it was so much more fun to annoy Angel.
Doing it with Spike should be even more entertaining.
*****
He pulled on his jeans and a tee shirt and made his way out of the bedroom he’d fixed up for himself and into the living room where Xander was pacing. “What bug crawled up your arse and died, pet?”
Xander jumped, his eyes wide. “Shit! I’m sorry, I…I didn’t mean to wake you up or anything. I can leave if you want, it’s just…”
Spike threw himself on the couch and picked up his cigarettes and lighter from the end table. As he lit up he looked at Xander from behind his eyelashes. The lad was pale and obviously nervous. He was shifting from foot to foot as if he was about to run.
“Well, out with it! Whatever has you in an uproar won’t get any better with you nancying about.”
“Umm, okay. Larry’s dead.”
Spike cocked his head to the side and thought a minute. “Who?”
“Larry!! The guy who was beating the crap out of me that night you helped me. Him and his two goons. They found their bodies in the storm drains, and something had eaten them!”
Spike just shrugged and put his feet up on the couch. “No skin off my nose, fuckers like that are always food for somethin’ or other. Not enough brains between the three of them to go around.”
Xander came over and stood right in front of him, crowding his space. “Don’t you get it? It’s my fault! If I hadn’t shot my mouth off, they wouldn’t have been using me for a punching bag, and you wouldn’t have done…whatever it was you did. It’s all my fault!”
Spike rolled his eyes at the human’s dramatics, moved his feet and pulled the boy down onto the couch with him.
“First of all, s’not your fault. They made their own choices, and it was their idea to pummel you but good. I’m sure if you'd been given the choice you would have said “No thanks” to having your ribs broken and your head near smashed in.”
“Secondly,” and here he gave Xander a shake to make sure he was listening. “Secondly, Xander, you didn’t ask me to do a bloody thing. That was my choice. And I don’t really give a shit if I left them for dead or unconscious. Didn’t pay attention. They could have been knocked out, came around and got dragged off by some other baddie. Something could have come around and found them unconscious and decided to have a treat. Don’t know, don’t care.”
“You really don’t, do you?”
Spike sighed and thought for a moment, trying to find the best way to explain things to this human child who was just waiting to be hurt. “I can care, vamps who are childer of Masters have all the emotions we were capable of when we were turned. Love, fear, anger, happiness. It’s all there. But we’re totally self-involved. Those humans meant nothing to me, so they could be sitting there being killed in front of me and the most I’d do was enjoy the show. I care about people who have something to do with me.”
“Now you, you with your goodness and helping people, did what most of the two-legged blood bags on this earth wouldn’t do. You helped me. Not because I meant anything to you, but because in your view it was the “right” thing to do. That’s how you are, and why I gave a shit when those blokes were walloping you. But I can’t care about everyone; for one, I’d fucking starve to death if I worried about my next meal’s feelings. For another, that’s how I was made. Understand?”
“Yes. No. Maybe.” Xander was still uneasy, Spike could tell. But he could almost see the wheels in his brain turning that information around, looking at it from every angle, and at least he was trying to understand. If he could it would make things in the long run much easier.
“Well, as long as you pick one of those three you’ll do alright. Now enough with the touchy feely crap, you’d think we were bints or something.”
Xander gave a halfhearted laugh and Spike was surprised to find he missed hearing the boy’s full on enjoyment of life. He grinned to himself. He knew what would cheer the mortal up.
“C’mon. Let’s go pay the poof a visit. We can watch from the building across from his apartment and make fun of his hair.”
Xander smiled but it was halfhearted. “That’s such a teenager thing to do. You’re supposed to be all mature and all that.”
Spike snorted. “Maturity is for wankers. You gotta have fun in life or you might as well lie down in your grave. Lookit Angel. Brooding, lurking in the shadows, digging around dumpsters for rats and other vermin to snack on. Didn’t even try to fight for his lady love until you forced him.” Xander had told that story, and Spike had loved the mental image of this human child being braver than the Poofter Formerly Known as Angelus.
“Fucker might as well go out and wait for the dawn. He’d not enjoying his life, he wasn’t even helping anyone until he popped a boner for a slip of a girl. He’s a waste of space.”
*****
“Then why is he interested in Buffy if he’s that far over her head? For that matter, why do you let me hang out with you? Surely there’s someone more interesting than some teenage kid for you to talk to. I’m, what, a hundred years younger than you? Why do you even waste your time with me?”
And Xander really wanted to know. He was just so damned confused, it was like there was a million things running through his head and each one wanting attention. He still felt guilty for Larry’s death. Willow had found the coroner’s report online and he’d seen the damage that had been done. No vampire had snacked on them, but Larry and Kevin’s skulls had been crushed and Mike’s stomach had been ripped open.
Not exactly an easy death.
He had heard Spike’s reasoning, but he couldn’t help but feel guilty. He knew better than to mouth off to the local goons, it was just sometimes his mouth went faster than his brain did. And Spike had helped him by knocking them out. Even if he wasn’t guilty, he was at least a contributing factor.
And there went the big words again. He really needed to stop watching reruns of Law & Order. As if there was anything else on.
Spike’s voice pulled him out of his internal monologue. “Xan, for us vamps, if we just talked to people our age, well, we’d end up talking to no one. Besides, pet, ever heard of the saying you’re only as young as you feel? When you’re immortal that’s pretty much the truth. You act like a middle aged stick in the mud, that’s how you feel. Now, I listen to rock music, not that easy listening crap. Punk and hard rock. I actually keep up with the current trends; I may not follow them, but I know enough to be able to fit in just about any club. It’s handy for hunting but it’s just plain fun. I even know how to get on the Internet. Makes things less boring during the day when I can’t go out.”
“Oh.” That made good sense to Xander. It would get awfully boring being stuck inside all day. That damned voice in the back of his head said that it was smart to learn things about your prey. “So that’s why Angel’s so…boring. He does boring things. See, I’ve always thought it was kind of gross, this guy who’s like 250 plus years old dating a girl who’s 16. And I didn’t know what they found to talk about. I mean, besides ‘Angel’s deep brown eyes’ or ‘Angel’s big strong arms’.”
“I hope like hell you’re quoting there, pet.” Spike growled just a bit and Xander grinned. It almost sounded like Spike was jealous.
“I am. I’ve sat through many a lunchtime discussion listening to all of Angel’s many good qualities. If I didn’t like my food so much I probably would have tossed it.” Xander couldn’t help but keep grinning. It had been odd trying to rationalize to himself why he had a sort of crush on someone so much older than he was, especially when he thought it was gross when it came to Buffy and Angel. But what Spike said made sense.
Now he had to get over the whole being the cause of Larry’s death part.
Before he could get into another round of guilt, Xander jumped up from the couch. “Come on, if you’re going to be juvenile you can watch from across the street and I’ll go knock on Angel’s door four or five times and run off. We can see how long it takes for him to realize it’s me pulling his chain.”
He really shouldn’t, he knew. Willow was back and had fussed at him for not doing his summer reading. As if anyone but her and a few of the other nerds had actually cracked a book all summer. Besides, it was so much more fun to annoy Angel.
Doing it with Spike should be even more entertaining.
*****