Mangled Spells and Manly Bits

“I don’t know if I can do this,” Xander said as she straightened out her skirt and tried to ignore the feeling of worthlessness that the school inspired.

“Fine by me,” Spike said, and Xander felt an arm tug her back toward the exit.

“Spike!” she protested in a teasing sing-songy voice. “Stop it.”

“Oi, you’re the one who said ya couldn’t do it.”

“Yeah, and there are lots of things I can’t do that I still do,” Xander said and then stopped as she considered her own logic on that one. Spike just laughed.

“Good thing I got the practice in with Dru, otherwise I’d spend all my time tryin’ ta figure out what you meant.” Xander felt Spike’s strong arm tighten around her waist, and thankful for that tacit support, she pushed open the doors to the library. Back at the old mansion Spike had gotten them, she had begged Spike to let her come alone and try to talk to her friends without the added burden of Spike and Buffy snarling at each other, but now that she was actually walking through the doors, she was grateful that Spike had refused to even consider letting her face her old life alone.

Even as she pushed the doors open, she could hear the aggravated voices inside fall silent. So many times she’d been at that table, hurrying to shut up as some outsider wandered into their inner sanctum. Okay, technically ‘he’ had been at the table, but still the whole point is that she—he—had been on the inside and now she felt like the invading outsider who everyone shut out of conversation.

“Yes, Xander nice to see you back home again,” Giles said as he look everywhere except at Spike and Xander.

“Xander?! You’re Xander?!” demanded a shrill voice, and Xander looked over to see Cordelia so shocked that she held her nail file half way to her hand without moving.

“Cordie, hey.” Xander answered, suddenly realizing that she hadn’t ever technically broken up with the cheerleader although the whole having kinky sex as a woman with Spike thing probably signaled a bump in their relationship.

“Don’t ‘hey’ me mister,” Cordelia lit into him, nail file dropping to the table. Buffy and Willow visibly flinched at Cordelia’s word choice, but Cordelia herself continued on. “You go and start sleeping with that…that…”

“Vampire, we’re called vampires,” Spike offered all mimicking helpful and fake smiles.

“You boyfriend-stealing, over bleached, fashion reject from the eighties.” Xander froze, sure that she was about to see Cordelia eviscerated. Buffy clearly had the same idea because she slid off the table and stepped closer to Cordelia protectively. And hey, she’d finally found a way to get the two of them to stop fighting, and yet it somehow didn’t feel of the right. Suddenly the tension broke when Spike started laughing.

“Ya got balls on ya, cheerleader; I’ll give ya that.”

“Don’t try to suck up to me.” Cordelia demanded, and Xander looked up at Spike’s amused expression. “I’m not forgetting the whole Halloween trying to eat me incident.”

“Funny, I don’t remember tryin’ ta eat ya. I’d think I’d remember a meal that complained as much as you,” Spike shrugged, clearly not bothered by the accusation.

“She was dressed like the cat,” Xander added a half-second before her brain reminded her that she wanted the whole conversation to end.

“Oi, I remember that now. If I’d known you were so lively, I would’ve made a point of grabbin’ ya and shaggin’ ya good before turnin’ ya, luv.” Cordelia stood opened mouthed and wide eyed, and Xander reminded herself to take a mental picture because never again would she see a speechless Cordelia Chase.

“William,” warned a voice from the shelves, and Angel appeared behind the banister overlooking the main library.

“Wot?” Spike asked, all innocence and blue eyes. “Always did fancy the mouthy ones. Must have somethin’ ta do with their mouths.”

“I…Well…You, you—vampire,” Cordelia complained as she huffed her way past them and out of the library. And again with the firsts because that had sounded more like Xander-babble than classic Cordelia.

Xander watched Angel come down the stairs and lean against the far wall, clearly making his presence known even as he kept his distance from Spike.

“So, to what do we owe the horror of this visit?” Buffy asked.

“Thought I had an invite,” Spike said with just the right note of obviously faked hurt. “If not, we’ll just be leavin’,” Xander felt herself pulled toward the exit before she even had a chance to say hello to her friends.

“Just you hold on a minute,” Willow of all people demanded, and when everyone including Spike, looked at her in surprise, the red began creeping up her face. “I mean we all wanted to talk to Xander and didn’t think you’d want to come which is why we didn’t ask you to come, but we do really want to talk to Xander.”

“What she said,” Oz offered from a chair, the only one not obviously bothered by the vampire’s presence.

“It’s just as well he came; we need to make some agreements,” Angel said from his side of the room, and Xander gasped as the arm around her waist tightened uncomfortably.

“Sorry, pet,” Spike offered before loosening up.

“Okay, I have an idea.” Xander said as she stepped away from Spike, using her hand to keep him in place while she took a step to the side. “How about we talk without any threats of death or reminders of death or discussion of past attempted death.”

“Yes, this is undoubtedly uncomfortable for everyone involved,” Giles said as he returned to his seat at the table, but Xander noticed that the librarian sat in the chair closest to Angel. Strangely enough, ‘Spike as therapist’ ran through her mind as she realized that the master vampire seemed to be solving all sorts of trust issues within the group.

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Oz offered.

“Well, I’m still on board with the frequent and indiscriminate use of Mr. Pointy,” Buffy said, but she settled back into her chair.

“Personally, I’m in the ‘uncomfortable but wanting to work it out’ camp,” Xander submitted as she stepped forward and took a seat at the end of the table that put her closest to Spike who still leaned against the counter. Buffy just pulled out the earlier referenced Mr Pointy and started twirling it.

“What kind of truce are you offering, William?” Angel asked, and the tone suggested to Xander that the question had serious implications.

“Not offerin’ anythin’, Peaches,” Spike snapped back, but then he shrugged his shoulder and continued in a much quieter voice. “If Xander wants ta stay here, we’ll stay, but I won’t put up with the soddin’ slayer makin’ murder faces at me.”

“Not murder without a victim, and you’ll just turn into little puffs of dust,” Buffy muttered. Spike growled.

“William,” Xander looked up in alarm at that sharp tone, but when he looked to Spike for some sort of signal, Spike remained leaning back, unconcerned. “Have you lost your mind?” Angel demanded, and Xander reviewed the conversation up to now. Death threats, uncomfortable…death threats, work it out…implied death threats, offering… death threats. Okay, unless she had really just missed something, Angel’s words made absolutely no sense.

“I do my own thing, and I’ll do whatever I soddin’ want, Peaches. Said I’ll stay with Xander and I will, but I’m not interested in your bloody opinion,” Spike was clearly approaching a breaking point and Xander stood up to go stand next to him.

“And I’m thinking we have to leave. You know, left something in the oven, need to go wash my hair, left the lights on or something,” Xander quipped as she started gently pushing Spike toward the exit. If she had to choose, she chose Spike, but now she just had to get him out before someone ended up dust.

“But we haven’t gotten to talk,” Willow wailed, and that made Xander stop. Xander looked at Spike who shrugged his disinterest and then at Willow who would have stood if Oz’s hand wasn’t keeping her in her chair.

“Willow, this just isn’t going the way I planned, you know with the slow motion embraces and the Hallmark-moment tears. I just really think we need to leave before the testosterone gets any higher.” At that point, Xander would have beaten a retreat to the exit, but Spike froze seconds before the library doors swung open madly and Faith breezed in like a storm.

“God, no wonder I can’t find any vamps out there to stake, B. You got ‘em all in here. Not nice to be greedy.” Xander took one look at the dark slayer’s predatory gaze and bouncing energy and stepped between Faith and Spike.

“Oh no, no staking my vampire,” Xander exclaimed.

“And why should I care about you?” Faith asked with raised eyebrows, and Xander suddenly had the impression that Faith was a female reincarnation of Spike with the bouncing energy and quick wit, and no, no, no. That was just wrong. Not gay, not gay, not gay, although the thought of two women in a bed had been kind of sexy even back when she had manly bits, but Faith plus Spike would quickly equal either Faith plus dust or Spike plus bloody body, so no.

“It’s Xander,” Willow pointed out, and Faith held an expression of shock for a good three or four seconds before roaring out her laughter.

“Oh god, I knew you were a slightly girly hiding behind Buffy and all, but this is just a little much.” Xander felt the shift behind her and heard growling that she knew meant that Spike’s demon had come out to play.

“So, when do I get my vampire? I mean Xander has *hers*, and Buffy is running around with tall dark and unholy, so when do I get my pet vamp?” Faith finally asked, completely ignoring the game-faced vampire whose growls would have sent most sane creatures running for cover. Xander glanced over, and Buffy had leapt to her feet.

“Xander’s not a coward, and I’m not a pet, and if ya want to keep your insides on the inside, you’d do well ta remember that, slayer,” Spike snarled.

“Right, real scared now,” Faith said as she turned her back and walked towards the others. Xander felt Spike tense for the leap, and she pressed back into him, throwing him off balance and preventing the imminent fight. She watched the group as Faith threw herself down into a chair, and Buffy retreated to Angel’s side. Of course, that drew Xander’s attention to Angel who had the most inscrutable expression she had ever seen, not that the vampire was very scrutable usually, but this went beyond normal.

“Peaches may have his soul keepin’ him to the straight and narrow,” Spike continued now that Xander had stopped the physical fight, “but I’m not a pet vampire on a leash, so you’d best remember that.”

“Or what? You think you can take me?”

“Already proven I can a couple of times.”

“Really? I heard Buffy kicked your ass, took an ax to your head.” Faith smirked.

“Actually, it was Buffy’s mom who hit…” Xander corrected her automatically

“Pet,” Spike warned with a growl, but the damage had been done.

“Her mom,” Faith all but squealed. “You got clobbered by her mom?”

“Pet, you are going to learn how to keep your mouth closed.” Spike snapped, but Xander could hear both the anger and the betrayal. The betrayal bothered her more than Spike’s anger which she had already learned not to fear.

“Yeah, probably not since I’ve been saying stupid stuff since I could talk,” Xander replied with a self-deprecating grin.

“So why exactly isn’t bleach-boy dust yet?” Faith asked, and Buffy opened her mouth to answer when Xander interrupted.

“Hey, Buffy’s tried to turn him to dust lots of times, and it doesn’t generally work. Heck, if he’d had one less stupid minion, he would have killed Angel in that church, so the killing of each other thing hasn’t worked out. Think it’s time for a new plan, so here’s an idea—let’s try one that doesn’t involve mutual homicide.