Manchild

Chapter Seven

***


As he’s willing himself to get up and get dressed, Connor senses the older male stirring behind him and silently curses his own procrastination. He should have left long before Sebastian woke. Now there are going to be questions. He’s really not in the mood for those.

“Hey, beautiful. For a moment there I thought I dreamed you up,” Sebastian softly greets him, sleepy eyes lingering over the white curve of Connor’s back. “Only difference between this and every other morning is that you’re actually here. It means a lot to me that you stayed, Connor.”

Connor doesn’t answer or look at him, just closes his eyes and leans forward slightly as a terrible, wrenching nausea twists his gut.

“You feeling okay?” Sebastian sits up, concern clear in his words. “You’re not still sick, are you?”

“I’m fine,” Connor says in a short tone, knowing his unsettled stomach has got nothing to do with the vodka he drank last night. “I have to go now.”

“Already?”

As Connor reaches for his clothes, which have been thoughtfully left beside the bed, he states impatiently, “Vamps won’t stake themselves. Daylight is the best time to do it, when they’re weak. You know that.”

“Forget the vamps. They’ll still be there tonight,” Sebastian pronounces, touching his arm as Connor lifts off the mattress, pulling up his jeans. “Don’t go.”

Connor zips his fly and sits there tensely, wanting to shove Sebastian’s hand off. “Why not?”

“Because I want you to stay longer.” Kissing Connor’s bare shoulder, Sebastian murmurs persuasively, “And because I'm crazy in love with you.”

“Don’t!” Connor snarls, violently pushing Sebastian away and leaping off the bed in one motion, glaring down at the older man with rage, hating him at that moment. “Don’t you say things that aren’t true! I’m sick of people lying to me!”

Drawing the sheets into his lap, Sebastian hastily vows, “Hey, I’m not just saying it because of the sex. If that was the case, I would have said it last night before we even did it. I got no reason to shit you, okay?”

“You’re human. Humans are full of shit. All of you!” Connor blazes, lashing out with one thin arm and knocking a bunch of unlit candles off a shelf, sending them crashing noisily to the floor. Sebastian doesn’t flinch at the sudden display of anger or show any fear because he knows that’s what the boy wants him to do.

“I may be human but I’m not like them,” Sebastian says firmly. “I’m different. You know I am. You know I speak the truth.”

“Right. Yeah. Of course you do,” Connor returns caustically. His walls of defence securely erected back up around him, he jabs an accusing finger at the dark-haired figure sitting on the bed. “You must think I’m dumb, Sebastian. How many other people have you said that to, huh?”

Endeavouring to calm the teenager down, Sebastian’s words turn softer and more convincing. “Connor, this is not something I say lightly. I know you’ve been hurt before but you have to believe me when I swear that I won’t do anything like that to you. All I want to do is be with you. That’s it.”

“That’s it?” Connor exclaims, squinting in disbelief at the other male. “You hardly know me at all. And I’m nothing like you. Why would YOU want to be with somebody like me?”

“Look, I realise that we’re polar opposites and that we’ve only been together twice but I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind,” Sebastian proclaims, trying to push past the youth’s self-confidence and trust barrier. “I’ve loved you from the time I woke up in your bed with a bandage on my head. When I saw you sitting on the windowsill...you were the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. You still are.”

“No!” Connor shouts vehemently. “You can’t love me. You can’t!”

Perplexed by the waif’s abrupt reaction, Sebastian questions, “Why’s that?”

“Because I’m bad.” Connor says this through gritted teeth, turning his back.

“What are you talking about? Do you mean the half-demon thing because that doesn’t even matter-”

“I’m not talking about that,” Connor slices in irritably. “I’m talking about the things I’ve done in the past. You have no idea how bad I’ve been. Or how fucked up I was.”

“C’mon. We all make mistakes, pet,” Sebastian answers coaxingly. “We’ve all done things we regret. But you can’t keep beating yourself up over them.”

“Oh, yeah?” The teen focuses on Sebastian challengingly, blue eyes afire. “Have you ever sliced anyone’s ear off and kept it for a trophy? Have you ever punched a good cop in the face over and over again because he wasn’t home with his family? Have you ever held a knife to an innocent woman’s throat just because you thought she was evil?”

Sebastian slowly shakes his head, realising that Connor’s regrets are a lot bigger and more complex than his.

“Have you ever wished your dad was dead? Ever tried to stake him in the heart?”

Haltingly, the older male shakes his head again.

“Well, I have,” Connor states in a blunt manner. “After I tore my way out of Qor’toth, that was the first thing I did. But I failed. He was too quick, always anticipated my attack. So, I tried a different tactic. I got him to trust me. I got him to show me his moves, how he fought. And then I stunned him with a Taser, locked him in a metal box and sank him to the bottom of the ocean. I left him there to rot for three months.”

“Why?” Sebastian whispers in horrified bewilderment. “Why would you do that to your dad?”

“I thought he killed the man who raised me. Holtz. He followed me through the portal out of Qor’toth and was staying in a motel. The last time I saw him he was lying dead on the ground. There were two puncture wounds on his neck, like a vampire bite. I immediately blamed Angel.” A muscle tics in Connor’s hardened jaw. “I was wrong. It was a woman with an ice pick, some friend of Holtz’s. She lied to me. She told me Angel bit him and I believed her without question. I believed a stranger over my own father.”

Looking away, the eighteen year-old continues purging his sins, self-loathing in his tone.

“Holtz always told me that my real father was a monster, a beast, an evil being with no soul. But Angel never did anything bad to me. He gave me a place to stay, gave me food and clothes, anything I wanted, and I threw it all back in his face. I turned on his friends when they had done nothing wrong. They took care of me as though I was family and I treated them like dirt.”

Flashbacks of sweet, gentle Fred fill his head. The way she would be so patient and understanding towards him regardless of his bad moods and disobedience. The way she always defended him when Gunn was about to snap his neck. The way she’d smile when she bought him baloney sandwiches (no tomato) and milk.

The way she cried out in pain when he cruelly zapped her.

He shuts his eyes tight, trying to block the images.

“When they found out what I had done to Angel, they attacked me, tied me to a chair. Made me wait for him to get back. He was starved and weak when he got rescued from the ocean but he could still overpower me. He threw me against the wall. Kicked me out of his home. I had nowhere else to go and had to sleep on the street like a stray dog. But I deserved it.”

Connor sinks onto the end of the bed and draws his knees up to his chest, hugging his legs in a self-protective manner and focusing on a spot on the wall.

“Soon after that, I slept with the woman Angel loved. I’d always wanted her and I wanted to make him jealous. When Cordy seduced me I didn’t even try to say no.”

Sebastian recognises that as the name of the chick who used to stay with Connor, the one he had an obvious crush on.

“I thought she loved me. But it...ended...badly,” Connor falters, not ready to tell the whole horrific story about Cordelia getting pregnant to him and giving birth to an insane demon goddess with maggots where her eyes were supposed to be, Cordy subsequently slipping into a coma from which she never returned. He will tell Sebastian about it one day but not yet. It’s still too soon.

“A lot of stuff happened,” he says evasively, “but in the end I betrayed Angel. For her, I was willing to let my father and all his friends die. Hell, I was going to be their executioner. They got away but Angel punished me for it. He was so angry at me, madder than I’ve ever seen him. He hit me until I was bleeding and unconscious, left me lying on the road for dead. And once again, I totally deserved it.”

The frail teenager lays his head on his knees, the agony in his soul showing in the lines of his face and coming through heavily in his words.

“It’s not just what I’ve done to my father. I’ve hurt people, people who didn’t deserve it. Once, I held a department store full of civilians hostage and tried to blow them up with bombs I had made. There were women, children; the elderly. Angel prevented me from doing it but I was prepared to kill them all. And myself.”

“Jesus Christ,” Sebastian breathes, his throat choking up and his chest splitting in two at the thought of his beautiful boy in so much distress and anguish.

“Oh, I’ve done even worse than that,” Connor grates out, thinking of the innocent blonde girl he dragged off the streets so Cordy/Jasmine could sacrifice her for the birthing ritual. Connor didn’t slash that girl’s throat with a meat cleaver but he may as well have. He stood there and let it happen right in front of him. And then he dipped his hand in her still-warm blood.

“God, I’ve done some terrible things.” In a tortured whisper, Connor finishes, “No wonder nobody likes me.”

Seeing that Connor is profoundly sorry for what he has done, Sebastian shifts closer on the bed, laying his hand caringly on the boy’s shoulder. “I like you, babydoll,” he says, heart aching for Connor’s torment. “I don’t care what you’ve done in the past. I’m not going to judge you for things that happened way before we ever met.”

Lost in his own hopeless despair, Connor doesn’t even try to object or push him aside, doesn’t even look up, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“Whatever you did back then, you’re not like that now. You save people, Connor. You saved ME,” Sebastian emphasizes. “I know you’re not a bad person. You’re just a sensitive boy who has been confused and traumatised. It’s not surprising considering where you grew up. I can’t imagine what horrors you went through on Qor’toth. Or even here in Los Angeles. You’ve had a tough life, kiddo, but you’ve survived and become stronger because of it.”

“I’m not strong,” Connor says dully, turning his face inward, his hair falling over his eyes, hiding them from Sebastian’s kind gaze. “At least not on the inside.”

“Yes, you are. I can see it.” Sebastian squeezes Connor’s upper arm. “I see a young man who is bold and smart and fearless. I see a young man that is brave and beautiful and passionate. I see a young man that I love.”

“You can’t love me,” Connor repeats brokenly, on the verge of breaking down completely. “I don’t deserve love.”

“Yes, you do. You deserve it. And I’m going to give it to you no matter how much you protest.”

“But...”

“Shush,” the older male interjects. “I know you’re not used to this, to someone caring about you but I do. I know you haven’t had much of a real family but I could be your family, Connor. It doesn’t have to mean related by birth or blood. Family means someone who loves you, who wants to share things with you and that’s me. I can be everything you’ve ever wanted, sugar. I can be not only your lover but your best buddy, your protective older brother, your crazy cousin and partner in crime. You know what I mean? I can look out for you but I can still have fun with you.”

He speaks enthusiastically and earnestly, envisioning their future.

“If you want to get a tattoo or get a body piercing, I am totally there with you. I’ll teach you how to ride a motorcycle and you can teach me how to do that cool jumping-off-the-wall thing. I’ll take you places; the theatre, rock concerts, basketball games, Disneyland - anywhere you want. When I travel overseas for work, I can take you with me; to Italy, to London, to Paris. Imagine, we can dust some French vamps and then climb the Eiffel Tower after dark! The view is just incredible, Connor. Even better than you see in movies.”

Sebastian pauses to take a breath.

“I can show you that, babe. I can show you the whole world. We can have the greatest time ever; do all those things you never got to do growing up. And we can do it together. Doesn’t that sound awesome?”

Connor wants to say, “Yes. Oh yes, please, it does,” but he’s also afraid of trusting the other man’s fantastic promises in case he gets let down again. It’s happened too often to him in years gone by but this time he would really like to believe it. On his mother’s cursed name, he really would.

“Even if,” he mumbles. “Nothing ever works out the way it’s supposed to. People never do what they say they will. Everything gets screwed up in the end.”

“This won’t. And when I say I’m going to do something, I damn well do it.” Sebastian’s tone is determined and certain. “This could work between us, all right? You just gotta be positive.”

“It’s hard to be positive when people in my life keep leaving. Or dying,” Connor says bitterly. “If I were you, Sebastian, I’d think twice about being with me. I’m bad luck to be around.”

“Bull shit. You’re not bad luck; it’s this dangerous fucking place we live in,” Sebastian chides. “I fully realise what I’m getting into and I’m willing to stand by your side and fight along with you when I have to. I want you, Connor. Demons and all.”

“Yeah, until you change your mind.” The muttered reply is flat and discouragingly negative. “I should just go now. Saves you having to do it later.”

Remembering Emel’s advice; that Connor would try and push him away, Sebastian returns sympathetically, “I get that you’ve been through a lot in your past. I get that people have wounded you, okay? And it kills me what they’ve done to you. But you can’t let that stop you from moving on. Like I said before; I’m not them. I’d never do anything to hurt you. Not in a million years.”

“What if I don’t want to move on?” Connor counters. “What if I don’t want to be in a relationship with you?”

“That’s not what you said last night,” Sebastian pointedly reminds him. “And don’t tell me you were drunk and didn’t mean it because we both know you did.”

There’s no response, Connor having given up protesting in favour of withdrawn silence, hoping Sebastian will leave him be. Not quitting yet, Sebastian leans closer to the emotionally damaged teenager, speaking softly into his ear.

“I know you’re scared of letting me in but you don’t have to be. You don’t have to feel sad or frightened or alone anymore. I’m here for you now and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life making you happy. You just need to give me a chance. Please, darlin’. Let me love you. That’s all I ask.”

At the older man’s simple and honest plea, Connor’s deep-rooted resistance finally starts to thaw. Timidly, he peeks through the locks of his auburn hair. “Do you really mean it?”

“I would do anything to prove how much I mean it. If I could take my heart out of my body and give it to you still beating, I would,” the twenty-six year old pledges, flattening his palm against his own chest as deep, sweet emotion floods behind his ribs, almost painful in its intensity.

“Because it’s yours, kitten. Even if you don’t want it, it’s still yours.” Sebastian’s voice cracks and he swallows, close to tears now. “Even if I never see you again, this broken heart of mine will remember you forever.”

Sebastian’s moving admission melts away the rest of Connor’s defences and he uncurls from his huddle, straightening and lifting his head, beseeching the other male, desperately needing assurance and acceptance.

“Tell me again.”

Sebastian doesn’t have to ask what he means. Taking the boy’s elfin face in his hands, he whispers, “Connor...my baby boy... I love you with all my soul.” He gently presses his lips to Connor’s brow. “I love you.” Kisses the tip of his nose. “Love you.” The teenager closes his eyes and Sebastian kisses them too. “Love you, love you.”

By the time he gets to Connor’s rosebud mouth and presses his own tenderly against it, Sebastian can feel the younger one’s lip trembling and he pulls back to search those vulnerable blue orbs, Connor looking at him with mingled hope, fear and trust.

“Do you believe me now?” Sebastian inquires, letting Connor see into the very depths of his spirit, not holding back anything, the immeasurable and powerful feelings he has for the other boy completely open in his green gaze. “Do you believe I am telling the truth? Do you believe that I love you?”

“Yes,” Connor breathes, a single crystal drop of saltwater falling from his lower lashes and sliding down his pale cheek as all of Sebastian’s emotions rush into him like energy, filling his soul with pure white light and incredible joy, healing the old scars on his heart. He can’t help softly crying as Sebastian places little kisses all over his face, all the while telling Connor how beautiful he is and how Sebastian will never leave him, will always be there for him no matter what. Not able to describe how wonderful it is to be so cared for, so loved, Connor slings his arms around Sebastian’s neck and presses a hard, wet kiss to the other man’s lips, saying without words that he feels the same way too. With that simple yet heartfelt expression of his own emotions, Connor leans into Sebastian’s solid chest, wanting to be held. As the second man’s strong arms coil securely around his small frame, making him feel like the most cherished person in all the worlds, Connor manages to smile through his tears, thankful that he is not like his father or else this moment of perfect happiness would be ruined by him vamping out and going all bitey. Instead of that happening, Connor lets himself be drawn back down to the mattress with Sebastian who pulls the blankets up over them both, the older male enfolding him against his broad chest. While Connor listens in wonder to Sebastian’s steady, soothing heartbeat, the two lovers rest in each other’s arms, safe and content, the evil of this planet forgotten in their warm, close embrace.


***

To be continued... With Angel!