Saying It With Flowers

Same Time Same Place

Part Eight Xander


The week following William and Buffy’s dating disaster at the Bronze passed pretty quickly. Buffy came by a couple times, hoping to lure William out again. Polite as always, he resisted, trying to club her over the head with kindness I suppose. It wouldn’t get the job done, but I wasn’t in any position to tell him that. Buffy is nothing if not stubborn. He seemed almost wary of her, and when I tried to coerce details out of either one, it failed miserably. William just blushed and stammered, and Buffy flat out refused. I spent a lot of time and energy attempting to ignore what happened when he’d come home that night. Serves me right I guess, for thinking I’d grown out of that uncomfortable babbling idiot stage, because dammed if I didn’t do just that. He just looked so…intent you know, feral almost, like he was a vampire and I was dinner. Though I’m not sure what sort of sucking he had in mind.

I did have to wonder why me. I mean what was wrong with him, the Buffster was beautiful, not to mention the total opposite of me. And it’s not like he came home all antsy cause she didn’t put out…. and can we say ewww. That’s so not something I want to visualise. Still after that night, he seemed content to stay home and watch TV with me. I didn’t mind, he’s pretty good company, a major improvement on Spike’s surliness. I knew better than to think he was just going to jump me when my back was turned or something, but it was kind of obvious he didn’t want to be with her. A fact that made me strangely happy. Not very friendly of me, huh? Still satisfying.

Every couple of days he’d come home from work with another arrangement, and if I hadn’t known better I’d have sworn he was bringing them for me. Mostly they were the same, but sometimes new flowers appeared in the mix. I got him to tell me the names of a couple so I knew what they were. Strange things like campanula, periwinkle and the ones I thought smelled familiar were sage. I wondered why it made me feel hungry, then remembered mom using it in some of her dishes on the rare occasions she cooked. Yesterday he brought home these nice little yellow and purple flowers with bright open faces and soft, delicate leaves, sorta like a pansy but smaller. When I asked he said they were called heartsease. The scent of them filled the apartment and that alone lifted my spirits. William just smiled when I touched them, like they meant something special to him but he didn’t say anything. There were questions in his eyes, but each time he looked ready to ask them, uncertainty flickered across his features and he fell silent. I know he was curious about Jesse’s photo, and I felt a little bad about snapping at him over it. But that wasn’t something I ever wanted to talk about again.

Jesse and I had been so close, not as close as I’d wanted us to be, but closer than most brothers. All my life there had been two constants, two people I could always rely on, Willow and Jesse. When things at home were at their worst, and there were times when I actively feared for my life, Jesse and Willow were my refuge. They protected me, letting me stay over at their houses so I could sleep without fear. Willow spent a lot of time patching up my cuts and scrapes, a precursor to her role now, half peacekeeper half nurse. She didn’t need to know that some of the injuries came from things I couldn’t share with her instead of our childish games.

Jesse, he took care of the spirit end, always pulling a face or cracking a joke to cheer me up. It was his mission in life to make me smile. I think that’s why I fell in love with him. I remember exactly when it happened. On my fifteenth birthday; my parents took off on a gambling trip and left me alone for the weekend. So of course I invited Jesse. Willow’s parents would never let her stay at my house even when my folks were there. We broke out some videos, amusing ourselves with them into the wee hours. I remember spending more time studying Jesse out of the corner of my eye than watching the tv.

He was so happy, joking and throwing popcorn at the screen, I couldn’t think of anything that made me feel better. Sitting there watching him it finally dawned on me. I loved him. I l the the way he laughed, the way he looked after me and Willow, the way he talked, walked, everything about him was engraved on my heart. Credits rolled on the screen, and whatever it was Jesse had on the tip of his tongue never got said because I chose that moment to lean in and kiss him. His lips were so warm and so much softer than I’d thought they would be. When he didn’t move I pulled away slowly, watching the shock drain from his face, a red flush replacing it. Jesse looked embarrassed, his eyes a little sad around the edges as he watched me in silence.

# “Jesse?”#

# “Xan what did you do that for?”#

#“I love you Jesse, it just seemed like the right thing to do.”#

#“Xan, man…..look I love you too, but not like that. Cordelia.”#

#“Jess you gotta stop foolin’ yourself, Queen C’s never gonna be yours.”#

#“Look, I know Cordelia hasn’t given in to my natural charm, but one day she will.”#

#“Jesse…”#

#“And even if she never does, I can’t love you like that Xander.”#

#“Oh.”#

#“Look you’re my best friend, it doesn’t bother me if your bi or gay, whatever… it just leaves more of the ladies for me. But I’m not like that…I like girls, soft bouncy, beautiful, fuckable girls.”#

#“I…I’m sorry…are we still friends?”#

#“What are you? An idiot? Of course we’re still friends, it’s not your fault you find me irresistible, I mean who wouldn’t?”#

We’d laughed then, though my heart ached and my breath caught in my throat. After that night I tried not to let my feelings for Jesse get in the way of our friendship. But it was hard, no pun intended. I spent most of my nights lost in Jesse-flavored fantasies, wondering what might have been. Let’s just say I developed an intimate relationship with my hand as a substitute for him. I’d lie in bed at night and dream, his mouth on mine, kissing me breathless. Then that same mouth would drift down my body to envelop my cock in wet heat. Jesse’s face was all I saw between my tightly closed eyes as I came with choked sobs night after night. I treasured every bit of contact, even after he’d long forgotten what happened. He still touched me in passing. At least as much as he used to. But he was careful not to linger too much and give me hope. I don’t think Willow ever knew how much I really loved him, and even now I couldn’t share that with her.

Jesse dying had been so hard to accept, because hey…vampire Jesse was such an improvement wasn’t he? Pressed up against him in the dark trying desperately to hold that damm stake steady. All I could think of was, “How come he couldn’t get this close to me when he was alive?” Even to save myself, save my own life…I’d never have been able to kill him. He could have drained me dry and I would have just tilted my head aside and let him. Even if he just wanted dinner, I wouldn’t have refused him…couldn’t, even then. I remembering thinking something sappy and tragic, like how I’d rather die in his arms than anywhere else. Seeing him explode into a drifting cloud of dusty particles had torn my heart out. The look on his face as an elbow met his spine and knocked him forward, right onto the stake I clutched in my hand. There was nothing I could have done, nothing that would have made a difference. I held it together long enough to get home. In private I’d screamed and wept, fists clenched in agony until it finally hit home that he was gone.

“To have loved and lost…”

Yeah it sure sucked big time, the loss part anyways. Since Jesse I’d never looked at another guy that way. Not repressing any attraction to Angel I may or may not have felt…. much. Still I’d gotten an Anya, which was pretty good for keeping me busy in and out of bed. If she hadn’t been so high maintenance though I don’t know what might have happened. Now that I’ve been on my own for awhile the hormones seemed to have stepped up their assault cause I keep seeing gold hair and blue eyes in my dreams. My hand and I are getting reacquainted quite nicely, but it’s not the same. I miss holding someone, kissing, cuddling, and sleeping with someone else in my bed. I’m gonna have to start dating again. Maybe Buffy knows some girls I can ask out. No guys though, Jesse was the only one, no other guy comes close and they’re not going to.

I shook the thoughts off and gathered up my keys, letting myself out of the apartment. Ten minutes later I pulled into the drive on Revello to collect Buffy and Dawn. The drive didn’t take long, and soon I was turning into the short-term lot at Sunnydale Airport. We parked the car and hotfooted it to the arrivals area, checking the boards on the way. Thankfully not late. According to the schedule, Willow’s plane would arrive any minute. I clutched the sign I’d made and scanned the crowd for flamey hair.

“Do you think she’ll get the sign?”

“Get the sign? I don’t think she’s gonna even see the sign”

“Why is it so pale?”

I paid little attention to my words or those of Buffy and Dawn, content to let my mouth run away with me. All I could see was that Willow wasn’t there. She hadn’t got off the plane with the other passengers. An uneasy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach as we waited, it grew when we left and went back to Buffy’s. I tried to put things in perspective, but a quick call to Giles confirming that Willow had in fact boarded the plane sent me straight into panic-mode. Where was she? My best friend was missing and I could do nothing but wait and hope she’d come home. I stayed for a while longer, rehashing things with Buffy and Dawn, but around midnight I shuffled out to my car and drove back to my place.

The apartment was quiet when I stepped inside. William’s door was closed and I couldn’t be sure if he was home or not. The Willow thing had me in an uproar. What if William had left? He may have just gone to bed early, I reasoned. The thought made me hesitate a moment, but then I realized I’d feel better if I knew. It was only after I knocked that I worried if I’d be waking him. When there was no answer I cautiously twisted the knob and peered inside. In the sliver of light from the open doorway I could see William laying on the bed, his features relaxed in sleep. As my eyes adjusted I noticed a couple of things. One, he’d kicked the covers away and the nightshirt he’d been wearing had twisted open. Two, I swallowed and let my eyes trail over his body, licking my lips as I took in the bulge tenting his pyjama pants…. he was hard.

He murmured something in his sleep and rolled onto his side throwing his leg over the spare pillow he slept with. Slowly his hips started to move, rubbing his covered cock against the firm surface of the pillow. I swallowed again, unable to look away, my breath coming quicker, as I tried to move or shut the damned door or…anything, but I was trapped. Williams’s hands pulled the pillow closer, his movements becoming faster and more purposeful, and all I could do was stare. He breathed barely there sighs as he humped against his dream lover. I struggled to hear what he was saying. It was so soft, barely audible, a name…but it wasn’t Buffy.

“Alex…mmmohyeslove…”

I moaned and clapped a hand over my mouth when I heard my name fall from his lips. Thank god I hadn’t woken him; it would have been more embarrassing for both of us that way. As it was I found myself practically drooling as I watched his body writhe in that rhythmic motion. My own bulge twitched and my hand slid down to automatically stroke it as I watched William’s increasingly agitated humping. His body moved seductively in the growing light, the door swinging open wider as I leaned against it hard. William’s head thrashed, his voice louder, harsher in the strained silence. His eyelids fluttered and finally I put my traitorous feet in motion. Light spilled over my shoulder and I realized that was what had made him stir. I snapped out of my paralysis, forcing through the door and closed it softly behind me. I leant up against it, breathing deeply, and struggled to regain control of my heart rate.

Muffled sounds drifted through the door, more whispered endearments, smatterings of my name, the soft, guttural moan of completion. Sated silence followed, and I pushed away from the door, stumbling to the bathroom. I stripped off quickly and stepped under the warm spray. Images of William asleep, his face a picture of innocence flitted behind my closed eyes. My hand closed over my own cock and I tried to picture Jesse on his knees, his mouth wrapped around my length. But Jesse’s face morphed into William’s, cheeks flushed with desire as he delicately licked the crown. His blue eyes staring dreamily up at me as his mouth closed over my cock. I groaned and gave in, pumping my cock into my hand, leaning against the wall as I came. William’s face still floated before my eyes. I let the water wash away my cum, and ducked my head under the spray to try and clear it. Silent tears followed the suds from my hair down the drain, and I shuddered, trying to come to grips with my betrayal of Jesse’s memory. I wished Willow was here, she would understand, she’d know how to make this better. But where was she? I turned the water off and struggled out of the shower, quickly towelling off and striding naked to my room. I threw on a t-shirt and boxers and fell onto the bed, physically and emotionally exhausted. Tomorrow things would be better, they’d find Willow and she’d be able to help me remember Jesse. Everything would be fine once Willow was home.


William

I woke to find a partially dry, sticky mess coating my stomach. I peeled the cloth away from my lower body, flushing as I realized what had happened. Luckily Alex had already left for work when I peered cautiously out. I made my way to the bathroom and shucked off my pyjamas. After a quick shower I retired to my room to dress for work, feeling only slightly embarrassed. Thank goodness Alex hadn’t seen me in that state. I had just made myself a cup of tea when there was a knock on the door. Upon opening it, I stood in mute shock for a moment, the young red-haired woman from the photographs staring back at me.

“Spike?”

“Oh dear.”

She weaved slightly like she was going to faint and I reached out and took her arm, pulling her inside.

“I’m William… Miss Willow, are you all right. Come and sit down”

She looked at me with wide green eyes as I guided her into the kitchen, seating her at the table while I collected a cup and poured her some tea. She took the it gratefully, nodding as I added a little sugar to it.

“Thank you William”

“You’re most welcome, Miss Willow”

She sipped her tea slowly, watching me over the rim of her cup as I drank my own. The silence unnerved me, as she seemed to be taking my measure, looking at me like I was something more likely to be found in a museum. I tried to endure her obvious curiosity stoically, without being too distant. Finally she set her cup back in the saucer, her fingers fiddling with the handle.

“I’m sorry, the the staring, I mean it’s just that you…look so different, and yet the same. Not that that’s a bad thing, I mean the look, it suits you, really it does. Oh and you don’t have to call me Miss, Willow is just fine, it feels kinda strange to be called Miss, even though I am a Miss. And I’m babbling and and that’s pretty well gonna make you think I’m nuts, so I’ll stop.”

A smile edged its way onto my lips as I listened to her rambling. I couldn’t help but like her immediately, she was so delightfully guileless.

“You most assuredly are not, as you say…nuts. Buffy mentioned my presence might alarm you somewhat.”

“You got that right.”

She smiled, softening the delivery of her words, then sipped again at her tea. I let the conversation lapse a little as she gathered her thoughts.

“So where’s Xander?”

“Alex is working at the new high school. He won’t be back until late this afternoon.”

“Oh….umm why do you call him that…Alex I mean?”

“He said he preferred Xan or Xander but Alex is a much more mature name and suits him perfectly. He doesn’t seem to mind me addressing him that way.”

She nodded, “It does sound more grown up doesn’t it? I know he always hated Alexander. His folks called him that and well…. he doesn’t get on very well with them.”

“I had gathered as much, he doesn’t speak of them often”

I glanced at the clock. If I didn’t leave shortly, I’d be late for work.

“I’m sure he would love to see you. Why don't you walk with me? I’m on my way to work and we’d pass very near the school.”

She finished her tea and set the china cup back in its saucer then rose nervously and accompanied me to the door. I took my keys from the side table and she smiled softly at the vase of flowers.

“Buffy told me you worked for a florist. These are lovely. Campanula, periwinkle and sage, right?”

I nodded as she gently touched the blue blossoms.

“Gratitude, early friendship and the sage means esteem doesn’t it?”

My eyes widened in surprise, but I nodded in agreement.

“You’re versed in the meanings of flowers?”

“A little. I’ve always thought it was…romantic. Don’t you?”

I smiled in agreement and opened the door, letting her exit before me as was only proper. Before long we were walking along the sidewalk in the bright morning sunshine. On the way we chatted openly, Willow was quite curious about me and I told her all I could remember of my life. In return she told me more about Alex and Buffy, though I sensed she still held some things secret. Suddenly, I realised we had arrived and Willow smiled impossibly wide as I ushered her into the shop.

“Maggie?”

My employer appeared at the rear door, an arrangement of flowers in her arms. Her eyes lit on my companion and she settled the vase hastily on the counter, sweeping around to envelop Willow in a huge hug.

“Willow, sweetie. I haven’t seen you for so long. I heard you’d gone away after… But hey it’s great to see you again. How have you been?”

Willow hugged Maggie back, her eyes shining with happiness.

“Things could be better, but I’m dealing. How are you? I knew William was working for a florist, but I didn’t know it was you.”

“Ah, William’s a fine lad, a good worker, and he seems to have excellent taste in friends. But enough of that. We don’t want to give him a swelled head when he has so much work to do. How about you come out back with me and chat while we let William get on with it.”

Maggie released her hold on Willow and clasped her hand, leading her through the back rooms and into her tiny office. I watched them go before turning to the order book and checking off the list of orders still to fill. As I worked, I found my thoughts turning to Willow. She seemed to be a lovely girl. I felt terrible that she had lost her lover in such an unjust manner, she seemed to carry the grief well, but now and then it shone in her eyes. I gathered the flowers together for the orders, but as I did so a few more found their way into my hands. I put them on the worktable in a separate bunch and rummaged for purple wrapping paper and ribbon. I arranged the flowers to my satisfaction and wrapped them, setting them to the side once the bow was tied. My break had just started when Willow reappeared. She looked more fragile than before, and I felt like I wanted to shelter her while she regained her strength. She gave me a wan smile, and I took her hand, squeezing it gently as I led her to the display area.

“Are you alright?”

She squeezed my hand in return, her eyes a little misty.

“I’m fine. Really. Maggie and I were just…recollecting. Remembering happier times.”

“Pardon me, but you look far from happy.”

“I know. It’s just that I have a lot of memories of this place. I used to come here pretty often, by myself and then with Tara.”

She paused and I let her compose herself. Happy memories have always ridden the coattails of sorrow for me, and it seemed Willow suffered similarly.

“Tara and I…. we used to give each other flowers. She said I was like a waterlily because I was pure of heart. I always gave her honeysuckle…”

Her voice broke and tears glimmered at the corners of her eyes. I gripped her small, shaking hands more tightly in mine; trying to reassure her, feed her some small measure of strength, then finished the explanation for her. Small comforts where you can and all.

“Honeysuckle for the bonds of love and sweetness of disposition. Your Tara sounds like a remarkable woman, I’m so sorry for your loss.”

The tears that had threatened to fall spilled now in silent streaks down her pale cheeks. I gathered her in my arms and held her as she sobbed quietly for a short while. Soon she composed herself, gently moving away and wiping the tears off with the backs of her hands.

“Thank you…” She sighed and then smiled again, a poor replica of the one she’d given me at Alex’s apartment. “I’m not always like this, I swear. It’s just that I miss her so much, you know. I always thought she’d be with me…. and she’s not”

I picked up the bouquet of flowers I had put together and placed it in her hands. She looked down at them, brushing her fingers across the soft petals. Delicate curling petals of purple hyacinths clustered within thin leafy branches of weeping willow. In the middle a single red poppy rested, its fragile beauty and bright colour lifting the sorrowful display.

“Purple hyacinths and weeping willow, sorrow and mourning. Red poppy is for consolation.”

“Thank you William, they’re beautiful”

She took her leave, holding the flowers close to her chest as she waved goodbye. I watched her go, her bright red hair glowing like a flame as she crossed the sunny street. Turning away only when she was out of sight, I went in search of Maggie. I still had much to do before the day’s end.


tbc