Torrid Immortality

Title: Troubling Indecision

Authors: Amber Kupy and Daquiri Seffib

Email: amber_daquiri@hotmail.com

Rating: PG to NC-17 depending on chatper

Summery: Words exchanged, finally, truths told, a harsh light pointed on some ideals.

Spoilers: Up to ‘Older and Far Away’

Pairin: B/S

Disclaimer: We don't own the characters, we're just borrowing them.

Authors’ Notes: We would like to thank a very good friend of ours for lending us a certain book, it was hours of entertainment, and put to good use. Sorry this part took so long to come out, ah the joys of real life. Never fear, there are more chapters planned, and we will work on them as soon as time allows.
Trust us, the truth is out there, and on its way to you!

Troubling Indecision


"I love you too." Funny how much easier it was getting to say those words. "I'll be yours, just as you are mine." With that Buffy untangled herself from him, taking his hand she led him out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her bedroom.

The door clicked behind Spike as Buffy led him over to the bed. With a soft push on his chest Buffy pushed him to sit on the edge. Leaving him there she moved around the room lighting a dozen candles. She glowed golden in the light and seeming to float back to his side.

"Since when do you keep so many candles around, pet?" Spike asked, gazing up at his Slayer. 'Way do go you Wanker, she is trying to make it romantic. Spoil the mood.'

Blushing bright red in the warm light, she smiled down at him. "Willow didn't need them any more... and I couldn't help thinking about what you taught me about candles and foreplay..." A tingling sensation shot through Buffy, settling in her core as she remembered that night. "Maybe later we could...but this time...I love you."

Spike took an unneeded breathe to steady himself, reign in his raging lust, but it did not help his nostril filled with the scent of her arousal. Her words - short, simple words that he'd never really believed that he would hear - filled him in a way he couldn't explain. She'd said it three times now, and it was almost starting to sink in.

With a seductive smile Buffy brought her hands to the buttons on her black blouse, undoing slowly, causing Spike to want to rip the shirt from her body. Shrugging her shoulders the shirt fell to the floor. Then with a move that had been mystifying men for decades, Buffy reached behind her and the black silk bra slowly slid from her arms.

Spike reached up to rest his hands lightly on her hips, edging his fingers under the top of her leather skirt. The Leather Skirt. God he loved that skirt. Great memories. He could drown in this skirt. Or, more happily still, he could drown in the spectacularly almost-naked woman beneath it.

"Uh-uh," she scolded playfully, batting his h awa away. "You don't get to touch yet. You get to watch."

Taking a small step back Buffy toed off her shoes. She glanced up, and their eye caught. His arctic blue shining with love, understanding and lust, the way he looked at her caused her heart to swell and tears to gather in the back of her throat. "Do you know," Buffy's whisper was thick with the emotions Spike inspired in her heart, "when you watch me I feel whole, feel loved. The look you get in your eyes makes me feel like a better person."

Between the tide of love and the undertow of lust that her words awoke in him, he was starting to feel dizzy. "God Buffy the things you say. I love you so bloody much," Spike's voice was equally filled with emotion. This time when he reached for her she came willingly and did not protest as he slowly lowered the zipper at the back of her skirt and then slid it over her hips and to the floor.


"Cor Slayer I love your knickers," Spike was running his finger tips over the top of a pair of matching black silk panties. Before she could stop him, he lunged forward, ripping the delicate fabric away with his teeth. He let them drop and grinned at her. "I'm building up quite the collection of them."

"You are so going to me me a new pair!" The petite blonde tried to sound annoyed, but when Spike's tongue started lapping at her bellybutton she just moaned. "At the rate your going I'm not going to have any left."

"You could always --" nibble, lick "-- borrow them back from me." The only response he got was a moan and a fresh wave of arousal filling the air. Trailing a finger slowly up the inside of her right leg, Spike traced slow circles as he neared the golden triangle of curls that hid Buffy's garden of pleasure.

With infinite care, Spike slowly slid one, two, then three fingers into Buffy's sodden passage. Buffy closed her eyes involuntarily, the heat of her desire for him releasing a flow of warm wetness between her thighs.

"God luv, you're so hot, it's like sticking my hand in lava," Spike's cool breath caused goose flesh of desire across Buffy's smooth, taut, golden abdomen.

Buffy trailed her fingers through his hair, pulling him gently towards her in a wordless plea. Unable to resist her, he nuzzled against her hot, glistening mound, gently tracing her outlines with his tongue until the sweet, hot flesh opened to him. Spike ran his tongue from her overflowing opening to her nubbin of pleasure, causing the blond pelvis beneath his mouth to thrust involuntarily towards the window.

Thinking about having those gloriously tight muscles wrapped around him was almost too much for Spike. Stroking his palms slowly up the back of her thighs, he tore himself away long enough to gaze up into her eyes, which were liquid with desire.

Meeting his gaze the Slayers hazel eye were heavy and filled with love and lust. "I think I'm overdressed," he said. The need in his voice - low and rough - sent shivers through her. "God, Slayer, the things you do to me," Spike's voice was almost a growl, but his hands were soft and gentle on her.

He started to lower his head again, when Buffy pulled it back, catching his gaze once again.

"No," the word was soft, confusion flooded Spike's eyes, and his body tensed, braced for another rejection. "I don't want it that way, I want us to be naked, together. Equal."

Their gazes never wavering Spike slowly stood, he shrugged out of his opened shirt, letting it join Buffy's on the floor by their feet.

Small warm hands reached out to slowly pull the black cotton t-shirt form Spike's pants. They gathered the hem and slowly inched it up his washboard abbs and over his chest. Spike ed hed his arms and Buffy paused the t-shirt up as far as she could reach. Lowering his arms he let the t-shirt fall next to Buffy's red blouse.

Before his shirt hit the floor, Buffy's small fingers were already working at his belt, and then the button of his jeans. She fumbled for a moment with his, then resorted to force and simply tugged. The fabric gave way immediately.

"Guess I'm not the only one who's going shopping for new clothes," he murmured, looking down.

"I know as well as you do that you're just going to steal replacements out of someone's dryer at the laundromat," she replied calmly, her fingers working their way under the waist of his jeans. And down. He drew a sharp, unneeded breath as her fingertips brushed against his cool marble shaft.

A loud groan filled the air, as Spike thrust his aching rock hard member. Spike kicked his pants away, reaching for her impatiently. Taking a swift step back to the bed, Spike fell and landed in an undignified heap. In his haste to disrobe and get to the bed he had neglected to take his boots off and his pants were tangled around his ankles.

Laughter filled the air and bounced of the walls, Spike was instantly on the defensive, ready to repair his injured pride. But for once he stopped before his smart-ass mouth could get him in trouble--the brassed off Slayer and no sex kind of trouble. It was the sound of the Slayer was laughing, that held his tongue. For once her laughter was not the empty, hollow laugh that she had used these past months while trying to assure everything was all right, but a real laugh, one from the heart.

"Laugh it up Slayer, I could have broken something, something very important," he paused to make sure she was listening, "My love muscle for example." With that Buffy doubled over in laughter, staggering over to the bed to land next to Spike. He held her as they laughed together, tears streaming down their faces.

'Well,' he thought as the laughter slowly subsided, 'tonight is a night full of firsts.'

He nuzzled against her neck, nibbling on her ear. "I love the sound of your laugh, Slayer."

"Well," she murmured, tilting her head down to capture his mouth with her own, "That's good. Because I think you might actually be starting to make me really happy." Settling herself on her side, facing him, she trailed a finger gently down his statuesque jawline.

A loving hand made its way down the Slayers swan like neck, over her collar bone to slowly traces up the gentle slope of her left breast. Using just his index finger, Spike made concentrical circles towards the rose bud of Buffy's aroused nipple. When his finger finally touched her nipple the golden blonde lying on the bed before moaned softly, her eyes drifting closed.

Spike leaned forward, kissing the soft hollow of her throat, before drifting downwards, his lips lightly brushing the tender skin of her other breast. Buffy arched into his touch, fiery lines of arousal starting in her achingly heavy breasts and shooting down to her sopping mound.

Wanting this to be more about him, Buffy gently pushed the peroxide blonde head way from her heaving chest until he was flat on his back. With a smile that was part lust, part devilment, and filled with love, Buffy leaned down and nipped his bottom lip with her dull teeth.

Leaving his lips swollen by their kisses, she planted a soft kiss on his chin, the first in a series that trailed down his throat, until she was nibbling on the skin above his unbeating artery. She bit him gently, then, encouraged by his growl, a little harder. Looking up, twinkling hazel eyes met flashing yellow ones before she lowered her head and continued on her path, placing love bites along his sinewed neck and tender throat, and down his sculpted pecks.

Buffy gentles her nips as she made her way closer to the most sensitive part of his chest. Slowly, with a tender care she had never allowed herself to show the wonderful man beneath her mouth, she drew one of his man nipples into her mouth. She bathed the little nubbin with her tongue, then gently worried it with her talented teeth.

The low rumbling form Spike's chest was continuos now, the attention Buffy was paying him, the care in which she was doing it was shattering any remaining walls he had had put in place to try and protect himself. They had had sex before. They'd had *lots* of sex before. And he had always thought of what he did as making love, but he also knew that she had never really felt that way. For the first time, he felt like she was making love to him.

For once when Buffy's short unvarnished nails raked down his washboard abbs, they did not leave trails of blood in their paths. She was playing, and nipping, but not leaving any painful markings behind. Warm, caressing lips followed the trail blazed by her nails, pausing the place a tender kiss on a deep bite mark just below his ribcage that had yet to heal.

Although Spike had never been lying when he told her that he liked it rough - everything she did to him drove him crazy with desire - the truth was that part of him had always been yearning for something more tender, more real. And now the care that she was showing him, it was shattering, it made her declaration that much more real.

He looked down to see her looking up at him, tears shimmering in her eyes, she leaned down again to place another kiss on the old wound. "I'm sorry, so sorry for all the awful things I've done to you over the past few months. I was a bitch to you, why you still talk to me, let alone love me I'll never know."

Spike brought his hand down to cup her cheek. A tear spilled over, caught on her lash and sparkled like a diamond in the candlelight before landing on her cheek, tenderly, lovingly the vampire brought his thumb up, brushing it away.

"I love you Buffy," and it was as simple and as complicated as that. Spike coaxed her back up to meet his mouth in a gentle kiss, filled with love and understanding.

The kiss deepened quickly, their seeking tongues coaxing the mutual smoldering of their desire into flames. "I want you now," Buffy murmured into his mouth. Buffy slowly brought well-toned thigh over Spike's hip settling her molten heat against his lovelance. The easy of two people who were intimately familiar with each others' bodies, Spike and Buffy simultaneously shifted their hips and Spike's manhood imbedded itself in Buffy's velvet hot, loving grip.

Buffy's breath caught, and they were still for a moment as they gazed into each other's eyes, sharing the mutual charge of their physical connection. The electricity that always crackled between them, that told each when the other was near, leapt through them both as it always did when they joined, completing the circuit and flowing like liquid fire.

Leaning down Buffy brought his bottom lip into her mouth and worried it with her teeth. Releasing his lip, she reared back up and gently rocked her hips back and forth.

"God, I love the feel of you so deep inside me, you make me feel things no one has before. You touch something deep inside me, the darkness and the light. You make me feel...God Spike you make me feel more alive then anything ever has. After and before my second death."

At her words Spike's hips surged upwards, thrusting even deeper into her, his head butting against her cervix causing Buffy to moan in ecstasy. He echoed her moan, his low and hoarse, as her inner muscles tightened around him in waves. "Buffy... oh, God..."

Buffy leaned back, using the extra leverage to drive him deeper, devouring him with her emerald eyes and her body. As she got close and closer to her climax her movements became unsteady and erratic. See that she wasn't going to last for much longer, Spike gripped the backs of her powerful thighs, holding her pelvis flush to his as he roller her under him.

One arm tucked under her shoulders, he held her close as he drove into her, again and again. Spike angled his thrust so that his pubic bone hit her love button with every thrust. He could feel her inner walls start to tremble around him, massaging him with their loving hold.

Buffy let out a moan of protest when he suddenly stopped moving, buried deep inside her burning channel.

"Open you're eyes luv, look at me," Spike need to see her eye, they could rarely hide anything from him. With an effort, heavy lids raised to reveal eyes glazed with lust and love. They held still for a fleeting eternity, liquid hazel and sky blue telegraphing a depth of feeling words never could.

Never breaking their gaze the bleached blonde vampire rested his cool forehead against warm brow of the blonde Slayer beneath him and began thrusting deep within her again. Whether it was the feel of flesh intimately caressing flesh, or the emotions flowing back and forth between their locked eyes, neither knew, but before they were ready for the sensations to end both felt the telltale signs of an orgasm approaching.

Buffy moaned wordlessly, and Spike held his Slayer tightly as he felt her tense, then start to shake against him as ecstasy took her. As her inner walls convulsed, the extra pressure driving him over the edge, he whispered her name in a voice that was half a groan as he followed her into the abyss.

Muscles continuing to twitch, they lay together, gasping, though only one technically needed to Spike was never a vampire who followed any sort of conventions. As Spike's gasps slowed, he collapsed against her, his shoulder leaning on the bed so as not to crush her, and as he relaxed, a low purring noise came from deep within his being.

Still gazing into his eyes, Buffy smiled softly. "I've always wondered... why the purring?"

"What the ponce never explained it before?" Spike regretted the words the moment they left his mouth, 'Way to ruin *another* bloody perfect moment you stupid git.' To his shock, the sadness or anger that usually filled thzel zel eyes of the woman beneath him when he brought up her ex-love stayed calm, only a fleeting moment of bitter-sweet regret.

"Angel hated showing or telling me anything about his vampiric side. It shamed him I think. He rarely went game face with me, and only once let me kiss him that way." Looking back, Buffy realized that Angel had kept a whole part of himself hidden away, in much the same way she had from Riley. To protect from the truth, to hide the differences between them. With Spike there was no hiding, good and bad were laid on down on both sides of the table. "You don't hide from me, you treat me as an equal, that's the way I want to be treated, and that's the way I mean to treat you." She smiled again. "I guess you were right... I need a little monster in my man. But I need a good man in my monster, too."

Spike's purring grew slightly louder at her words and he leaned down to kiss her swollen lips. "So really, what's with the purring?" Buffy asked when her lips were free.

The blond vampire smiled back, reaching up to brush a lock of damp golden hair from her face. "I guess it has something to do with the beastie inside. I don't do that that often, haven't done it for years in fact. Only with you. And probably something to do the happy, I'd wager. Buffy... you make me so happy." He wrapped his arms around her, rolling onto his back and pulling her on top of him.

"Happy," she mused, thoughtfully. "I'd almost forgotten what that was like."

Entwined in each others' bodies and blanketed by the warmth of love and happiness they both fell into a deep peaceful sleep.

----------------

The alarm sounded at eight the next morning, jarring the two lovers from their long slumber. They had slept peacefully through the whole night, an amazing feat for either, near incredible for both together.

Spike regarded the buzzing alarm with something like loathing. "I have to say, Luv, there have been some less pleasant inventions of the twentieth century."

Buffy reached over him, groping around the nightstand until she found the snooze button. "Yeah, well. I haven't exactly been spending my nights sleeping, these past few months. There are tradeoffs."

he blond vampire took advantage of her position to run his fingernails lightly down her back, making her shiver with delight. "Complaints, pet?" he teased.

As she smacked his hand away, he wrapped the other arm around her and pulled her close. "Baby, I'll get you up any time you need," he murmured with an over exaggerated leer.

Giggling, Buffy stretched, rubbing her body over his, feeling him hard deep within her. "Feels like you're already up, Baby," she returned a coquettish smile on her face.

Growling he leaned up to plant a gentle kiss on her lips, which rapidly deepened. He ground his hips against hers, prompting soft whimpers from his lover as he moved inside her. His hands on her back slid down, gently caressing the firm globes of her ass, and down further to graze the backs of her thighs. As she was melting against him, he tightened his grip on her legs and flipped them in a single graceful move, so that she was beneath him again. Before she had a chance to respond, he used his grip on her thighs to raise her legs to his shoulders, as he began thrusting into her warm heavenly paradise in earnest.

Buffy's moans filled the room, then a scream as he hit her g-spot. with every thrust of his powerful rod. Opening her mouth in a silent scream Buffy came, her inner muscles clamping down on Spike holding him deep within her body. Buffy's orgasm triggered Spike's and he shot wave after wave of cold, dead seed into her womb. Wrung out yet strangely energized their eyes met, unrestrained laughter filled the room.

They collapsed against each other in a happy, sated tangle of limbs and sheets, nuzzling and kissing whatever bare flesh was available, before snuggling down in relaxed exhaustion.

"Mmm..." Spike murmured after a while. "Stay here all day with me. I can't leave anyway." His fingers were tracing invisible patters on her flat belly froze as he realized when and where he had said those words to her before.

Buffy brought a hand up to lovingly trace his furrowed brows, trying to smooth the worry lines away. "I'm sorry," she whispered when she had finally dragged his eyes up to meet hers. Her apology was for more then the words, it was for the callousness of the past, her cruelty. It all seems so stupid now, her fear of loving this man before her, fear of loving what she had been trained to hate and kill, fear of opening herself up to the hurt of loving any one again, fear of trusting that he meant what he said, that he wouldn't leave, ever.

As if on cue, a knock sounded on the door. They both froze wondering who was in the house, it had been empty when they had made their way up the stairs the night before.

"Sorry to interrupt the sexcapades, guys," came Dawn's voice from the other side, "But Buffy's supposed to go do wedding stuff with Anya in, like, half an hour. You guys better get decent."

"Oh!" Buffy exclaimed guiltily, trying to jump up, but she was still too intermingled with Spike, and he wasn't helping. "Dawnie! You're back! Um, just give me a sec here..."

Dawn laughed outside the door. "Janice's Mom dropped me off fifteen minutes ago. But don't worry. I'm all set to go. I'll be downstairs."

"Spike," Buffy shoved at the muscular chest, "move it dead boy, I have to take a shower and get ready. I'll never be able to do it in twenty minutes." The Slayer finally managed to extricate herself from the vampire, who had collapsed - apparently intentionally - in an awkwardly limp pile on top of her. With some effort, she pushed him to the side and stood up. His hand, however, was still firmly gripping her wrist.

"I could wash your back for you Luv," Spike offered as he lay contentedly in her bed, not bothering to cover his nakedness. He was lightly stroking the inside of her wrist with his thumb.

"Thanks for the offer," she said, meaning it. "But really - I have to go. Spike, let go."

"Why? To help demon girl write invitations? You know you'd rather stay."

"We're supposed to try on ses.ses... and yes, but no."

Spike smiled lazily. "I'll let you go if you promise to let me lick the dress off you in front of all your friends while we dance at the wedding."

"Spike, you're a pig," Buffy's eye were smiling.

"Will you at least let me hold your hand as we watch the Whelp and Demon girl get married?" Spike's voice was filled with mocking laughter his sparkling blue eyes invited Buffy to join his joking.

Suddenly she was looking everywhere except at him. "Buffy, Luv, I promise not to eat the guests." He continued to joke, but he was getting worried at Buffy's reaction.

"I -- I can't, Spike. I'm not ready for them to... it wouldn't work. They can't know, not yet."

"So that's it then, is it?" Spike asked, his voice bitter through the haze of something that felt like betrayal. "I'm good enough to shag, and good enough to trust with your life, but I'm not good enough for you to admit to your friends, the people who love you, that we're together. You're still ashamed of me."

Buffy turned to face him, and he could see tears in her eyes. "This is not all about you, Spike. I just need..." Her words of denial were like the petals being ripped from a beautiful and rare flower.

“You said you loved me, was that just another convenient lie? Can you look at yourself in the mirror now Slayer?" Slayer was filled with contempt. "Please tell me that you weren't playing with me when you said you loved me," Spike's voice was barely above a whisper, and it wavered dangerously at the end.

He could almost see the walls going up behind her eyes as he spoke, and it sent a fresh wave of pain through him. She didn't respond, and her silence now after so many words so recently, sank thorns through his heart that cut right to the depths of his being. He had been a fool, he realized, to have seen only the rose she had offered him, and to have forgotten the sharp, lethal thorns that lurked beneath. After a moment he said heavily, looking away. "You're right. This *is* all about you, isn't it? I'm never really going to be good enough for you, am I?" to be good enough for you, am I?"

He was getting to his feet now, gathering his clothes, getting dressed. Buffy stood there, paralyzed. She knew she should say something, but she had no idea what.

"Spike please," she had no idea what she was entreating him to do, to calm down, take back the words that were closer to truth the falsehood, begging him to understand, just this once more.

Jeans on, belt and boots done up, Spike angrily thrust his arms into the sleeves of his shirt, "I love you, but right now I hate you too. Every time I think, finally, we are on the same page, you change the rules. I can't take it any more. It's killing me inside. I'm filled with you, there's almost nothing left that is me, and I can't go on like this, with you running hot and cold. I don't want to end up hating you for real."

Tears were streaming down Buffy's face, "You don't understand, you're supposed to understand. I can't do this right now, not with the wedding. Why are you being like this?" She paused, her walls coming up firmly now, tears stopped. "This is all just a game to you isn't it? Get the Slayer to admit she loves you. You can go and reinstate your status as Master Vampire now can't you, you might not be able to kill the Slayer, but you can fuck her!"

Spike's left fist backhanded her, sending her bed, her every word like white hot pokers in his heart, shattering his hold on his emotions. "That's right Buffy," her name was said like a vile taste, "That why I've been your lap dog for the last year." Picking up his duster with a vicious motion he continued, "Believe what you want, Slayer. I've always bhonehonest with you. Do me the same courtesy. When you figure out what you really want... come see me then." With a swirl of angry black leather, he was gone.

TBC...