Smitten

This is for Dylan, because I get inspired reading her stories. Man, this story was a fun run. Thanks to everyone who reviewed.


Chapter Nine

*

My fingers search for you while I sleep,
Looking for something to keep.
Walk Away, by Bree Sharp

*

The road is turning for me, the road is turning for you
The light is red like a fire but you drive on through
I stay behind and hear you call,
"You should have known this from the start."
I'm left with, I'm left with a piece of my heart.

*

Waking up, Buffy could feel the night ending, dew settling and the wind dying down. It was about half an hour to sunrise, the most dangerous time for vampires, when their hunting luck could run out with the first stabbing rays of the sun over the horizon. This was the true Slayer's hour, the time to catch stragglers sneaking home to their crypts and sewer tunnels.

She stirred, trying to figure out what had broken into her sleep, then she heard the soft hiss of a zipper. She rolled over, blinking at the room. All the clothes that had been strewn around, on the floor and the furniture, were gone. Faith was standing at the foot of the bed, completely dressed, a full duffle at her feet. She'd just zipped up her leather coat.

"Faith--" Buffy stopped. Panic tangled up her thoughts until she couldn't speak. For the first time in forever, she had no idea what was going on behind the darkness of Faith's eyes. She was different. No makeup. Hair twisted into a knot on her head. Torn black jeans and runners. She looked so young, and Buffy was amazed to remember she was that young. Sixteen, if that. So easy to forget that when all Faith showed was the attitude, the swagger, the cleavage and the confidence.

She wasn't showing that now. Faith couldn't even meet her stare. She hesitated, then picked up the duffle.

"Wait!" Buffy sat up, pulling the sheets tight around her shoulders. She'd never felt so naked in her life. "Where are you going?" She didn't expect Faith to answer. Hopelessness settled around her heart like a lead weight. This was what it came to, after all. Get some and get gone.

Like Angelus, her mind suggested, but that lie was too easy to tell herself. Faith wasn't acting like that, mocking and cruel. If anything she looked scared, or hurt. As if there were some things that even Slayer healing couldn't touch.

"I can't do this, B." Faith's voice was rough and Buffy thought at first she'd been smoking too much, but the room didn't smell of cigarettes.

"Do what?" Buffy whispered, holding back tears. Of course holding back. Faith hated clingyness. So hold back. Don't let her know, don't let her see. She'd only be contemptuous if she saw.

Faith shrugged. She looked at the duffle like she wasn't sure why she was holding it. Buffy had never seen her stand so still. "I gotta go," she said, telling herself as much as Buffy.

"No." Buffy felt the denial burst out, angry, almost a shout. Couldn't Faith see that she needed her?

Faith's eyes flickered to her face. Buffy clenched her jaw against the wails that wanted to break free. Faith's face was swimming in front of her, masked by her tears, and that wasn't fair, because if this was the last time Buffy saw her she had to see her clearly. She blinked, and then the tears were flowing, hot and salty. Oh, please no. Please say she isn't going, it's not fair. It's not fucking fair.

"I just can't," Faith said, and started to turn away, as if all she wanted was to escape. As if she wished she'd been quieter, or faster, and Buffy had slept through her departure and woke up in an empty room without even a note.

"Promise me you'll come back," Buffy said. If it was the only guarantee she could get, she had to have it--she knew that Faith wouldn't break her word. And if Faith promised to come back, then Faith was promising not to get dead in the meantime. "I'm not saying soon," she said, trying not to sound as desperate as she felt. "I'm just saying...some day...just don't leave me forever."

Faith stopped at the door, resting her forehead against the jamb. She carried her duffle in one hand, but she set it down and looked back. "I'm not some saint you should be waiting for."

Buffy felt the tears burning her eyes, but she forced herself to speak past the lump in her throat. "That's not what I asked."

Faith picked up her duffle and grabbed the doorknob. Buffy thought she would leave without another word, but Faith paused again. She didn't turn around, and spoke mostly to the door. "I promise, Buffy. I'll come back, some day."

And she was gone.

The door swung open in the cool, wet breeze of morning, the fresh scent of it pushing away the heavy warmth of their night together.

Buffy thought about running after Faith, about chasing her down--she thought about screaming and raging and forcing Faith to stay--because she had to stay, she couldn't just leave--but she was shaking too hard to move. She slammed the door closed and buried her face in the pillows. She cried into the sheets that still smelled of them, together. Why did this happen? God, what was wrong with her?

Buffy poured her sorrow into the bed she'd shared with Faith. Finally, when she was wrung empty and dry, she washed her face with cold water. She went to the front desk and paid the overdue charges, and checked out in Faith's name. She walked home without watching where she was going and climbed into her room through her window. She cried herself to sleep again, remembering Faith's words in the alley.

Not like this. Never again like this.

*

Buffy slipped into the library after her last class on Monday, seeking sanctuary in its cool dimness. She'd managed to avoid Willow and Xander for most of the day, but Giles had cornered her in the hallway during lunch and asked her to join them after school. When she saw Willow and Xander sitting at the table, both of them looking solemn, all she wanted to do was turn around and walk straight back out. She was not ready to talk about this, about any of it.

"Hey, Buffy," Xander said as soon as she approached, his usual enthusiasm toned way down. "I, uh, I wanted to say something. You know, for Angel. I don't know what, 'cause, um, I never really liked--ow!" Xander turned a hurt look on Willow. "I mean, I'm sorry. Willow told me."

"Yeah, sorry, Buffy." Willow gave her a worried look. "I know you probably didn't want me to go blabbing about it, but well, I--I told Xander and Giles. Not--everything, you know, but I hope that's okay."

Buffy shrugged. What did it matter if everyone blamed Faith for Angel's death? She was gone now. "Where's Giles?"

"In his office," Xander said. "You sure you're okay, there, Buff?"

She met his gaze for a moment. Dark eyes. She looked down again. "Fine."

Giles emerged from his office, flipping the pages of a book he held. He glanced at Buffy over his glasses and set the book on the counter. "Buffy." She looked up at him, wondering if she was imagining the gentleness in his voice, or the questions in his eyes. "I wanted to tell you that I have destroyed Balthazar's amulet. However, I also have some disturbing news."

"What's the what?" Xander asked. "Wesley found some other dead demon cult leader we need to kill just a little bit more?"

Giles glared at him. "No. Thankfully." He reached beneath the desk and pulled out the paper. "Our deputy mayor has had an...unfortunate accident."

Buffy picked up the paper and read the headline.

"Okay..." Xander said. "Some of us are still a bit out of the loop."

"The deputy mayor, Alan Finch, came to us Saturday night with information regarding the Mayor," Giles said. "Wesley and I interviewed him for most of Sunday, and I believe it's fortunate indeed that we reached him before whoever caused this 'accident'."

Buffy tossed the paper on the table and stood up. "Okay."

"Okay?" Willow echoed. "But what about the Mayor's plan?"

"Balthazar's dead, the amulet's gone, we learned everything we're going to from snitch-boy. There's nothing else to say."

"Buffy..." Giles hesitated. He peered closely at her, searching for signs of the slay-madness that had overcome her. Buffy stared back at him, silently begging him not to say anything in front of Xander and Willow. Giles was the only one who suspected the truth. That this wasn't about Angel at all. He'd seen her with Faith, the way Buffy had leaned into her as if she was the only solid thing left in the world. Like a life-saver tossed to a person sliding under dark waters for the next-to-last time. And in the end, he was her Watcher, not the arbiter of her social life, so he said nothing.

"If that's all, I'm--I'm going to patrol." She pushed through the library doors.

"Buffy! Wait up!" Willow followed her out into the hall. Buffy stopped and waited for her, knowing that she couldn't duck Willow's questions forever. "I know you're hurting, Buffy, but you can't just shut us out. We want to help you. And you didn't--I mean, you didn't even mention Faith."

Buffy crossed her arms and looked down. "No."

"Well, I think...I mean, what are you gonna say to her? How can you even go after the Mayor with her if all this stuff is sitting between you?" Willow reached out and touched Buffy's arm, her face open and earnest.

Buffy hated the pity she saw in her eyes, and even worse, knowing that Willow's jealousy of Faith would prevent her from ever accepting the truth. "It doesn't matter anymore, Will."

"Of course it does!" Willow threw her hands up and paced back and forth in front of Buffy. "I know you couldn't, like, be with Angel, but you still loved each other. And Faith killed him!"

"She's gone," Buffy said dully. Love Angel? Yes, she had. But that was so long ago. Now there was only Faith...and she wasn't even here. Buffy couldn't even tell her how she felt. "That's why it doesn't matter. She left."

Willow gave her a confused frown. "Faith just left?"

"She's gone," Buffy repeated. "Will...the Mayor is just one more big bad. I'll take him down when the time comes."

Willow shook her head. "But, Buffy...this can't be like last summer. You can't go all absent-Buffy on us. You can't forget your duty because of what Faith's done."

"It's not like that!" Buffy burst out. Not the way Willow thought, but she was right anyway. Buffy still had to be the Slayer, no matter what the risk, no matter that Faith wasn't here anymore to understand her, to share the risks...and the rewards. Why did she have to go?

Willow sighed. "Angel came back from hell for a reason, right?" she asked. "You always believed that. So don't let his death be meaningless this time. You have to deal with this." Willow took her hands and waited until Buffy looked her in the eyes. "Promise me, Buffy. I know you have to go through the bad stuff. But promise me you won't let this hurt you forever."

Faith will come back. She said she would.

Buffy nodded. "All right, Willow. I promise."

*

They all passed the summer like that.

Waiting for a promise to be kept.


*

THE END!