I'll Never Love You

Chapter 7: One More Thing



I didn’t expect Xander to pick me out of the dark so fast, but he did. And almost like magic his right hand was full, with a very large gun. The impact of ten bullets caught me in the chest before I could react and sent me hurdling back against my car. None of them killed me of course, couldn’t, but I was down. Xander ran at me, his gun aimed at my head. Shit, I wouldn’t be walking away from a gunshot wound to the head anytime soon, and Xander was packing more than a gun if he learned anything from Sunnydale. So I gathered what strength I had left, rose to my feet, and jumped over to the other side the car.

"My God!" Wesley cried out.

Gunn’s exclamation had little to do with God.

"Stay back!" Xander yelled.

"Xander, what have you done?" Wesley asked.

"I said stay the hell back!"

"Put the gun away," Gunn ordered in a dead even voice.

"Gunn, I will put a bullet through you if you do not back up off me," Xander replied, his voice quiet and tight.

"You gonna shoot me?"

"If I have to."

"Xander, that was Angel you shot!" Wesley yelled.

"He knows," Gunn said.

Wincing, I rose up from my crouched position behind the car. I healed fast, but the bullets embedded in my chest felt a lot like razor blades cutting me up from the inside. I could have used a few more minutes to recoup, but I wasn’t willing to allow my friends to draw fire away from me.

"Yes, he does," I said circling back around to the other side of the car. And look, my plan worked, Xander’s pointing the gun at me again.

"That’s right," Xander said, drawing out the ‘That’s’.

I saw Xander clearly through the night. He’d changed little since last I saw him. His hair was longer and wilder, like he hadn’t taken the time to run a brush or comb through it in a while. He looked like a hippie. Or one of those kids running around trying to break their necks performing tricks on skateboards these days.

"I’ll be on you the second after you pull that trigger again, Xander," Gunn said, standing closest to Xander, his arms hanging deceptively loose at his sides. Wes stood back holding Gunn’s ax and looked ready to throw the makeshift weapon if Xander decided to start blasting again.

"Actually, that sounds like a pretty nice prospect, Charlie, but I listened to your advice and I’m better with this pistol now, so that may not be as easy as you think."

Shaking his head Gunn said, "I never showed you how to use a gun."

"No, but you taught me if you’re going to use a weapon get real good at it, and I am. I took your lessons to heart. Ask Angel."

I wanted to ask Gunn what the hell that little exchange was about, but Xander looked ready to shoot me if I called any more attention to myself. So I maintained strict eye contact with him and tried to remain unobtrusive.

If we all made it out of this I’ll get my answers then.

"And what’s that mean, exactly?" Gunn asked.

"It means I can pumped two slugs into that piece a…" Xander gestured with the Glock at me, "Before you take a step."

"I don’t think so," Gunn replied grimly.

"I think you’re forgetting something, Xander," Wesley spoke up.

"Oh, is that so, Wes old boy? And what’s that?"

"The police. They’ll be arriving soon."

Xander smiled, then laughed and said, "Hear that, Gunn? How much time you think I got? Ten, twenty minutes?"

"There a-bouts. What’s going on, man?"

Xander’s face went hard again, his eyelids narrowing behind his long dark wavy hair. "Old business with Dead boy."

"What kind of business? Does it have anything to do with why you left Sunnydale?"

Absolutely the worse thing to ask right now, Wesley! I thought and simultaneously dodged to the left. I felt one bullet sizzle across my right cheek, and the second graze my ear.

I ignored the sharp stings and rushed Xander, only to see Gunn beat me to him. I watched as the two struggled for the weapon. Their wrestling led to Xander getting his rear slammed against the back of my car. It looked like Gunn was having trouble getting the gun away from him and I started to move again.

I was brought short when Gunn leaned down and captured Xander’s lips in a deep, deep kiss.

Resistance gradually drained from Xander and their arms lowered. Gunn managed to slip the gun from Xander’s right hand, then raised his hand out to the side, detached the clip, which dropped to the ground, and fired the remaining bullet in the chamber at the soil just above the curb, tossing up a small plume of dust. Next, he held the now empty weapon out and let it fall into the waiting hands of Wesley. Lastly, Gunn proceeded to coil his arms around Xander and fell completely into their kiss. Neither gave any indication they’d be letting up any time soon.

Wesley cleared his throat and I stopped gawking at the pair to turn my attention on him. Holding Gunn’s ax in his left hand and Xander’s pistol in the other, Wesley appraised Gunn and Xander with an arched eyebrow.

"I gather they are very familiar with each other then."




While kissing those lusciously full, pliant lips of his, I pondered how unfair Gunn was being. Lifting me up Gunn sat me down on the trunk of the Convertible and lowered me down over the cold metal. He ground against me and I clawed at his back, that broad, hard back, and undulated beneath him. Totally enjoying the crushing weight of him as he worked his waist between my legs. I felt his firmness pressing, rubbing against mine with perfect coordination and exquisite pressure. Dirty pool, just dirty.

"Could you not do that on my car?" Angel asked.

I thought Gunn was going to pull his mouth away, but he didn’t. The kiss went on, only gentler and not quite as hungry as when we started. I didn’t mind at all; Gunn was good at both. Just as long as I could fill my mouth with his taste, a taste like something warm and sweet—like spicy cider. Eventually, Gunn let my lips go and we gazed into each other’s eyes. Gunn smiled, and reluctantly I returned one, even though I was dizzy with unexpected lust, and resented being manipulated.

I was a little mad at myself, too. I’ve been contentedly not dating for a while—just didn’t need the hassle with work and school—but here I am, crazy with desire for Gunn. A man I hadn’t seen in, like, forever! I thought I’d had better control over my hormones.

"Okay, you can get off me now," I said a little more stringently than Gunn deserved. "Mission accomplished."

"Come on, Xander. You wanted me to jump you from the moment you saw me standing on your porch."

"Not so, oh, he of the huge ego."

"You know what I thought you were going to say for a second?"

"Oh, my god! You pervert! Get off me," I said grinning against my will.

"Why would I do that? I like it here. I think you like me here, too."

"Friction. Nothin’ but friction."

"Plausible, I guess. Maybe I’ll let you up if you tell me what’s going on between you and my associate over there."

"Wesley?" I asked making my eyes a little too wide.

Gunn turned his lips to the side. "You don’t pull innocence off very well, Xander. Goofy, but not innocence. The other one."

"He owes me," I replied soberly.

"Money?"

"No, some good ol’ fashion pain and suffering… Don’t do that while we’re talking. It’s distracting."

"Sure, in a minute. Is English right? Something happened between you two back from your Sunnydale days?"

I turned my head to the side so that my left cheek rubbed against the trunk when I nodded. I didn’t want Gunn to see what was in my eyes. He might learn something he had no business knowing. Gunn lowered his head and delivered tiny kisses over my jaw-line all the way up to my ear, where he whispered so low Angel probably couldn’t hear him, and Wesley definitely couldn’t.

"Sex?"

After a pause I nodded again and Gunn lifted off me, helping me to sit up on the trunk. I had my face turned towards the street; I still couldn’t look at him. My shoulders were slouched forward as I nervously fiddled with the plain gold band on my left ring finger. Gunn placed a hand on the cheek I had turned from him and made me face him. Gunn was smiling, but it was a sad, pitying smile with some understanding mixed in. Though I don’t know how he could have possibly understood. We held each other’s gazes until Wesley approached us cautiously.

"I think we should be leaving. The police will be arriving… eventually."

I looked away from Gunn to Wesley. "He works with you?"

Wesley’s eyes darted to Angel and back to me before he nodded.

I turned back to Gunn. "I wanna go to the warehouse."

"We lost it a while back. Compromised," he told me.

"Where are you and your hoodlums staying then?"

Gunn smiled and shrugged. "Here and there."

"Well, where ever they’re at I rather be there than--" Gunn gave me a look that said ‘don’t start’ and I sighed. "What I was going to say was it’s been a bit and I wanted to catch up with some of the more tolerable members of your crew. Speaking of whom: how’s Allona doing?"

It was just a second, a split second, but I saw it, a flash of emotion in Gunn’s light brown eyes and I knew without him having to say the words.

I slid off the car and stood before Gunn. I almost said I was sorry, and shoved the word back down my throat. Sorry was the sorriest word in the English language. So I just hugged him, and hugged him tight. A few moments pass before he returned my embrace.

"Very, very touching guys, but we have a problem," Angel said.

Gunn and I pulled apart and turned to Angel.

"What’s that?" Gunn asked while I gave the vampire a dirty look. A line of blood with several tiny rivulets running down from it stained his right cheek and more blood coated the outer rim of his ear. I think both flesh wounds already healed. Angel lifted his left arm and pointed behind us.

Seven vampires came marching down the dark street towards us.

"Get in the car!" Wesley ordered.

Gunn pulled me to the passenger door, yanked it open and practically threw me onto the back seat. A moment later my backpack came flying inside—I wasn’t aware I’d dropped it—and Gunn followed immediately after. Wesley climbed in behind the wheel and Angel jumped into the passenger seat. The engine roared to life and the Convertible peeled away from the curb.




Gunn and Xander were laughing it up by the time we got to the hotel. Wesley and I followed behind them quietly as they approached the front entrance, watching them playfully bumped into each other. Thankfully, their horsing around seemed to take on a more buddy-buddy air rather than like lovers—former or otherwise. Or maybe I spoke too soon. Gunn opened one of the bronze and glass doors for Xander and bowed, waving him in with an exaggerated flourish.

"Oh, please," Xander said and elbowed Gunn in the gut as he walked inside. Gunn grinned, barely reacting to the jab and followed Xander inside.

When Wes and I entered Xander, his pack strapped over his left shoulder, roved a small circuit around the great foyer. "It’s a step up from the warehouse, that’s for sure."

"A couple of steps," Gunn replied settling back against the check-in counter, watching Xander with an odd expression on his face.

"So how long am I going to have to stay here?" Xander asked coming to a halt in front of Gunn.

"Until we can figure out why this particular group of vampires is after you," Wesley answered. "And we dust them."

"Right. Helping the hopeless. Okay, the slogan’s starting to make a little more sense. Do you expect to get paid for helping me? ‘Cause you know that joke about being broke? That’s me."

"Of course you don’t have to pay us, Xander," Cordelia said emerging from what used to be the employee’s restroom.

When Cordy and Xander’s eyes met, the tension level went from a low-level intensity to a full on oppressive thing that could have crushed everybody in the room had it any real mass. Cordelia didn’t seem to know what to do with her hands. So she interlaced them down in front of her stomach. Closing her palms together and unfolding them and then repeated the motion. But Cordy’s eyes were what truly gave her away. Big brown eyes that revealed everything she felt: her ever-present dignity accentuated by the proud lift of her chin, a silent appeal for forgiveness… And there was love in her eyes. I couldn’t watch the scene anymore and trudged over to my—Wesley’s office—intent on excavating a batch of bullets out of my chest.




And the most awkward moment of the decade goes to…

To say I was glad to see Cordelia was a gross understatement. Overjoyed, excited, a little sick to my stomach almost covered the emotions sliding through me. I missed her just as much as I missed Willow and Buffy, and seeing her now was like getting a little piece of home back.

"You look good," I said, starting off with a sincere, but banal complement.

"Thank you. You, too."

"Thanks."

Cordy looked down at her knotted hands and I turned my eyes upwards, pressing my lips tightly together and worked them from one side of my face to the other.

"You never said goodbye," Cordelia said breaking the uncomfortable silence that had grown between us, our eyes meeting again.

"I didn’t know how."

She walked up to me and said very softly, "You didn’t know how."

"Uh, Xander…"

"Xander…"

Gunn and Wesley both said my name warningly. I didn’t pay any attention to them. Instead, I focused on how lovely Cordy’d become. Even though she was dressed kinda trashy and everything—she had on a low cut white blouse, a gray mini skirt so short it was wrong, but oh so right, and black high heels, there was… elegance to Cordy now. The way she held herself was every inch the Queen C I remembered, but there was something else, something added since I’d last laid eyes on her.

"You didn’t know how," Cordy repeated giving me a tiny smile. And, oh god, I finally got clued in! Cordy started smacking me about my personage and she caught me with a few good blows before I brought my arms up to protect myself. Wesley’s right, I am dumb.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! OW!"

"You didn’t know how! Ya didn’t know how! I’m sorry did you suddenly lose the use of your mouth? Don’t bother answering that since we all know how unlikely that is!"

"Cordy!"

"Don’t Cordy me, you liar!"

"Liar! How am I a liar?" I asked lowering my defenses and got another smack up side the head.

"Because you promised no matter what we’d still be friends!"

"Hey, I wasn’t the one who was ignoring you after we broke up!" I shot back.

"Don’t try and get self-righteous with me, Xander Harris! *You* were the one avoiding *me*!"

"Yeah, like I wanted to come around while you were hanging out with Harmony and Sunnydale High’s other she-devils so I can get laughed at! Thank you, but no!"

"Poor baby. Okay, fine. So what was stopping you from dropping a note or picking up the phone to inform a lady—and I wouldn’t let that witty remark fly past your lips if I were you, Xander—hey, guess what? I’m hightailing out of town and I’m not coming back. I’ll send you a postcard!"

I opened my mouth ready to fervently refute Cordy’s points but closed my yap and smiled instead.

"I really have missed you, Cordy."

Cordelia punched me on the shoulder and right after pulled me into a tight hug. "Yeah, yeah. Anything to keep from admitting you’re wrong."

If I thought it felt good seeing her after all this time then it was euphoric having her in my arms again, and, yeah, a little arousing. It was hard to admit after coming to LA, meeting Gunn, that I was attracted to guys. I wasn’t a slut about my feelings or anything, but I wasn’t shy about them either. But holding Cordelia—soft, filled out in all the right places, Cordelia—was enough to remind anyone why they liked girls.

"Ow. Was I wrong?"

"You’re brave anyway. Considering how close my knee is to your groin."

Yep, definitely dumb.




"Need any help?"

I sat on top of Wesley’s desk, an assortment of surgical implements laid out beside me, and took off my coat and shirt to explore one of the wounds in my chest with forceps. Trying to get a grasp on the bullet that had tunneled into my right lung. If I had normal functioning lungs the chest wound would have been sucking, and I would have drowned in my own blood by now. I was too intent on removing the slug and didn’t look at Wesley when I replied.

"Yeah, sure, grab a scalpel. I think one of the bullets is lodged close to the surface in my back."

Wesley picked a scalpel up off the desktop and I soon felt his breath on my lower back, then his callused fingertips followed, tracing a little circle around the skin near my spine.

"Yes, I feel it here." Wes applied pressure and the bullet bulged under my flesh. It was very near the surface.

"Cut me open."

"Maybe we should call Xander in," Wesley said. "I’m sure he’d love to cut you open."

"Probably," I replied dryly.

"Hmm."

I hissed when Wesley made one quick incision with the blade. Wes scooped up another forceps and pushed them into the wound. None too gently.

"Sorry," Wes said, except he didn’t sound apologetic at all.

"Is something bothering you, Wes?"

"Got it." Wes dropped the slug onto the desk. "Why do you ask?"

"Well--"

"Could you be asking because from the moment Xander saw you tonight he felt the urge to empty an entire magazine of nine millimeter bullets into you torso? Or perhaps you ask because Gunn and Xander nearly experienced a post coital moment on the trunk of your car? Or maybe it’s because, even now, I still have no idea what the sodding hell is going on with my friends!"

I twisted around on the desk. "You know that’s the first time since I came back that you called me your friend."

"Ah… yes… well… that’s…" Wesley fumbled over his words for a few moments before I took pity on him.

"Wes, I don’t know what’s the deal with Gunn and Xander—actually I’ve been trying not to think on it too hard—so you’re going to have to ask them. But… Xander and I… it’s complicated…"

Gunn opened the office door and joined us inside. He closed the door behind him and then took one of the seats in front of the desk put out for our clients.

"What’s going on out there?" I asked.

"They’re catching up."

Silence.

I went back to digging into the holes in my chest with the forceps. Searching for lead gold.



*********** ************ ************* *************** ************** *******


Wes and Gunn left the Hyperion to see if they could find out why the vampires were hunting Xander. Caritas was on the top of their list of places to check out. I gave them Merle’s address; he was always good for some leads for the right price. Personally, I thought all you needed to do was meet Xander and he instantly became kill worthy. I kept that opinion to myself, of course.

After I finished getting the bullets out and fed to help my healing process along I went up to my room and changed out of my perforated and bloodied clothes. After that I went downstairs to have a conversation with Cordy. I found her sitting at her computer, click clacking away on the keyboard.

"Hey."

Cordy didn’t look away from the computer. "Hey."

"Where’s… Xander?"

"I gave him one of the rooms. Don’t worry, it’s on a whole different floor than yours."

"I wasn’t worried."

"Well, that’s nice," she said evenly.

"Cordy--"

"Xander says he has no idea why those vamps are after him."

"You’re not going to hear me out, are you?"

"What could you possibly say, Angel?" She still hadn’t spared me a glance or stop typing.

"That Xander didn’t tell you everything."

"People talk," Cordelia started without taking her gaze away from the computer screen. "I couldn’t be around them after I found out, so I heard second hand about Xander. We all thought no one noticed, but they did. Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg and Xander Harris hanging out in the Library all the time, and not just there. You didn’t see one alone long before the others showed up… inseparable."

Cordelia ceased pounding at her keyboard and finally looked at me, her eyes dark and accusing. "Then one day I heard Willow and Buffy shut him out. You see people thought I might know why. It was big gossip until graduation, I guess if Xander hadn’t just up and left town before they handed out diplomas it wouldn’t have been big news."

"Cordelia--"

"He told me the truth. Your bodies got sublet for a night and you had sex against your will. You wanna know who told me about your so-called affair?" Cordelia went on without waiting for my answer, "Willow. God, it was like pulling teeth. You lied, and unless you can say otherwise I’m not interested in anything you have to say."

"So you knew all of this and you still came to work for me?"

"Yeah."

"Why? Were you--?"

"I was using you. I was hard up for money and I needed a job, and… and Doyle said you were supposed to help people and I saw an opportunity to help myself and do some good along side you. At first."

"At first…" I said numbly.

"Yeah, then you know what happened? It was the dumbest thing really. I started to like you. I mean I didn’t exactly know you that well in Sunnydale, before or after the whole Angelus thing, but when I started working with you and Doyle I did get to know you. It seemed like you genuinely wanted to do good in this world, and I let myself get close to you even though I knew what you did to Xander… to all of them."

"Must have really hurt compromising your integrity," I said.

Cordy shrugged, smiling back at me nastily. "Hey, a girl’s got to eat."

"So why’d you accept me back into your life?"

It was a relevant question. When I asked to come back to the agency Cordy, Wes and Gunn all had to agree on letting me rejoin. If anyone had said no I wouldn’t have been.

"Because I love you, you jerk! You don’t deserve it, but I love you. We’ve been through too much, and as much as I hate to admit it you’re apart of my family, and I don’t want to lose any more of my family."

"Hey, Cordy!" Xander called out as he came jogging down the stairs. "This place is huge! It looks smaller from… the… out… side."

Xander halted at the bottom of the stairs when he saw me then started back up the way he came.

"Xander, wait," Cordy said getting up from behind her desk.

"Let him go, Cordy. We need to talk."

Xander stopped half way up the flight of stairs, about faced, and made his way back down. I can’t believe I forgot how contrary the piss ant could be!

"Well, I hate to intrude," Xander said, clearly only too happy to do so.

"If you don’t mind, this is between Cordelia and me," I told him in a tight voice.

Xander squinted. "Mmm… that’s funny," he said. Xander came up to Cordelia and me, reached out with his right hand and grabbed at the air between us. Pulled back his hand, held it up in front of his face and rubbed his thumb against the tips of his other fingers. "I don’t feel anything between you two," he said.




"You little bastard," Angel growled.

I grinned. "You big bastard."

Angel took a threatening step towards me and Cordy placed herself between us.

"Whoa! Hey! Killing Xander is not a great way of dealing with our trust issues!"

"Yeah. Down, boy."

"And you’re not helping!" Cordy yelled at me.

"Still hiding behind women, Harris?"

"The best views are from behind."

My eyes traveled down the length of Cordy’s body, leering flagrantly. My eyes came back up to find that Angel had a murderous gleam in his eyes. And then I knew it was true what I heard in his voice.

"Let him go, Cordy. We need to talk."

I spent years hearing that tone of voice coming from Angel. Except the voice wasn’t pertaining to Buffy now. Hearing that possessiveness, that gentle affection in his voice, I knew he loved Cordelia Chase. And not in the friendship-y kind of way, either.

"You son of a bitch… you’re in love with her," I said with hushed astonishment.

"What!" Cordy shouted, whirling around to face me. I ignored her horrified outburst and kept my eyes leveled on Angel.

"You don’t know what you’re talking about," he said.

"I think I do, Dead boy. How long did it take you to get over Buffy?"

"How long did it take you to jump into Gunn’s bed?"

"Jump into Gunn’s—What?" Cordy exclaimed. Angel and I ignored her.

"Is that the best you can do to shut me up?" I asked.

"The best I can do is to rip your tongue from your head!"

"Yeah, that’ll get Cordy in the mood. But take my advice, it won’t… and I should know."

"Xander!"

"Shut your damn mouth, Harris!"

"Whoa! Sensitive much?"

Angel pushed Cordelia aside, eliciting a resounding "Hey!" from her and he stalked towards me until we stood toe to toe. "I said, shut your damn mouth!"

"I will, but right after I tell Cordy one more thing," I said bringing my left forefinger right up in front of his face.

Angel’s eyes widened for an instant before they went hard again.

"Well, well, well… looky-looky… our roles are, as they say, reversed," I told him in a quiet voice, lowering my hand, practically licking my lips at the deliciousness of this new development.

I never dreamed I’d ever get this opportunity, not in a million years. It was a big world and Angel could have melted away into it quick and easy and there was a good chance I wouldn’t lay eyes on him again. So I never let myself believe that one day I could take anything important away from him. Nothing compared to what he had taken away from me.

"You thought I was bad before, Dead boy, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. You’ll never have her. Whatever it takes, I’ll see to that." I leaned forward and turned my head so I was looking at his shoulder. I softened my voice untillit was barely audible and only Angel could hear my words, "Get ready to love from afar."

Angel’s hand shot out, clamping down tightly around my throat. He lifted me up and shook me like a rag doll over the floor.

"Angel, stop it! Stop! You’re going to kill him!"
An Angel wasn’t listening. Angel didn’t care. The world went vague as my vision blurred.

I tried to move on with my life, I really did. I was going to school and I was making the grade. I looked forward to doing something with my future. Maybe I'd go into teaching or library management… or maybe not—I was just happy I had options. But not the option I really wanted. And seeing Angel again stirred up all the pain and listlessness he caused. Reminded me how much he took from me and how lonely I was after the hard work I put into ignoring that very fact. It was sweet being with Cordy again, sweeter than anything I’d felt in years, but revenge on Angel was like honey on my tongue.

If Angel kills me Cordelia will never forgive him. If he let me live I’ll tell her everything that happened last time Angel and I were together. Cordelia would see what a real piece of shit Angel is, and she might forgive him, but she’ll never trust him again.

"Oh, God!" Cordelia cried out, then she let out a scream so chilling that it penetrated the haze of oblivion overcoming me. Angel dropped me and I landed on my back onto the lobby floor.

"Cordy, what’s wrong? What is it?" I heard Angel ask her.

"The vamp… vampires after X-Xander are coming. Oh god, no, they’re here! Now!"

Coughing, I sat up just as the hotel’s front doors slammed open. Angel, Cordelia and I turned to see a large group of vampires; some in game face, some not, poured onto the landing leading into the lobby—a dozen in all. Most were dressed like Spike wannabes, or Angel wannabes for that matter. Donned in a lot of dark colors and draped in leather, especially the vamp strutting in ahead of his buddies. Spiked studs covered the shoulders of his black duster and the toes of his worn looking black boots. Even the belt holding up his, yep, you guessed it, black leather pants had spiked studs. Under the leather jacket the vampire wore a dark sheer shirt, showing off his overly muscular upper body. He was one of the vamps that hadn’t dropped his human mask.

"See," he said grinning down at the three of us, "I told you guys that was their ad in the Yellow Pages."