Swan Song

It was a lie, of course. Spike... William... whoever he was when Gabriel barely knew him... He didn't eat later. He barely ate at all, just a mug of blood here or there. He didn' out out, even when invited, insisting there was no fun in the hunt without the kill so what was the point? Insistence that just going to a bar or club, even a walk in the park just to get out of the house was met with a frustrated snarl, and a rapidly snapped back response that he wasn't interested, didn't care, and to just leave him alone.
This went on and on... and Gabriel found his patience wearing thin out of concern. Whatever was wrong, he couldn't let it go on. He was watching his love emotionally bleed out until there was nothing left but a shell.
"William, talk to me. Now. What is going on with you? I've been... you're scaring the hell out of me. It's been two months since we met again, and... You say you love me, but..."
"I do love you, Gabe." This was William talking, he knew by the soft, sad tone, although the posture was Spike. William took a slow drag off his cigarette.
"Then why won't you talk to me? Something's wrong. I'd be a fool not to see it, and you'd be a bigger one to think you could hide it and I wouldn't notice. I can't even touch you without you startling like a rabbit."
"Nothing's..."
"Bollocks. I've heard all the tales about Spike, and I know William, and half the time you're acting like neither of the two. Please, talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. I want to help you, but I can't if you're..."
"I'm fine, luv." He started to take another drag, but the cigarette was ripped from his mouth. He looked up in surprise at his normally gentle lover, a little voice inside him telling him to brace for a shitstorm. That things would be bad, but not as bad as Angelus. However, there was no aggression in Gabriel's deep hazel eyes, just concern and love and intense fear for his sire.
"You aren't! You're nowhere near fine! You're going to tell me--"
"I can't." He took the cigarette back and stared at it for a moment.
"Can't? Why can't you? What's stopping you?"
The panic started to rise as he searched for an answer to give. What could he say? Because you'd hate me? Loathe me? Laugh and turn your back on me for letting it go on and on and not stopping it? No, no, Gabriel wouldn't... but he couldn't be sure.
He heard Gabriel shout and his own cry of pain as he took a deep drag on his smoke, took it from his lips and pressed it hard into his arm, sending a rush of pain through his body with a level of returned coherence. The cigarette was yanked from his hand, thrown across the room, already extinguished on his flesh. He felt Gabriel examining the wound, then pulling him to his feet, and dragging him towards the bathroom.
"What is wrong with you? Why the bloody hell did you do that?"
"It'll heal. No scar. Vampires, remember?"
"I don't care if you're God. I'm not going to let you hurt yourself."
"The pain keeps me here. Grounded, luv."
"You're nowhere near grounded. You're so far off the map that half the time I don't even know where you are."
"Nowhere. Everywhere all at once..." his voice was a mix of dreamy and empty, the sort of tone that screamed of madness. Gabriel shook his head as he cleaned the wounds of burned skin, looking up at his sire with more love than he though he could feel for anyone. Then he frowned, and reached out to touch the tags of the collar Spike had passed to William. He'd been wearing that thing since he arrived, never taking it off for even a second.
"What is this, anyway?" His fingers slid around William's throat, and he could feel him start to shake as they found the padlock. Suddenly there was a ball of cold lead in his stomach. "Do you have the key for this?" The headshake was slow, reluctant, and accompanied by a shine of moisture over sapphire that was struggling to not spill over. "Who does?" Silence for a long moment before he was answered by a small voice, one full of shame and pain, and cracked with the resistance of tears.
"My sire... grandsire..."
Oh god...
"Why? Why did they... what did they do to you?"
"N-Nothing... She's my sire... and he's... They have a right to do what they like. We're vampires... demons, and..."
"They don't have the right to do what they want to you!"
"The rest of the world isn't San Fran-BLOODY-cisco!" William pulled away from him, eyes angry and hurt, "Out there we're beasts, and the strongest wins. I wasn't the strongest. So if they want to beat me, rape me, shove their arms up my arse to the elbow, they can! Because I... was too weak to stop... stop them..." The rage melted away to soft sobs of panic, and he collapsed then, grasping Gabriel by his arms with all his strength "Please... please don't hate me for being weak... I'm your sire and I'm supposed to be strong... but I tried... I tried to fight and.... Tried to fight... be strong for the longest time...tried so bloody hard..."
"Will..."
"When he... in front of the others... dragged me out naked and... and... bent me over the table... in front of the others... they used to be MY minions, and... laughing... laughing and laughing and cheering and... and... then he gave me to them... GAVE me to them. Said to not do anything that wouldn't heal up..." the sobs came brokenly, William gasping for unneeded breaths again.

Those grasping, hungry hands had torn Spike to shreds in minutes, leaving behind tattered remains of the wounded id that the trembling ego William wrapped around itself. Angelus knew it would break him, humiliating and destroying him. Spike-William fought, he fought his hardest against them, but a full nest of well-fed vampires against one weak, battered and starved one chained to the wall by his collar, Master or not... Master no more. Spike fought and lost, undone, and William was held down for even the lowliest minions to rape, flesh torn, blood spilled. Wounds would heal; scars would fade on the flesh while inside he tried to make one whole self with the scraps of his mind. A patchwork personality to try to blanket his screaming superego, muffling the self-loathing and guilt and blame that seeped up through the ragged holes in it.

It had been a very long time since Gabriel had felt truly enraged, and the taste for blood sat sour in his mouth. He tightened his arms around William and cradled him in silence, letting him cry himself out. He redirected that rage rapidly to other concerns; ways of helping his love recover. Stroking his fingertips over the cheek of the shaking boy, for that's all he really was at this stage, he began to softly sing to him anything he could think of: snatches of old English lullabies, soft sweet love songs, anything gentle that entered his mind.
"Now I understand what you tried to say to me, And how you suffered for your sanity, And how you tried to set them free. They didn't listen, they did not know how; Perhaps they'll listen now... For they could not love you, But still your love was true. And when no hope was left in sight, On that starry, starry night, You took your life as lovers often do. But I could have told you, William, This world was never meant for one as Beautiful as you..."

He'd hold him, however long it took.


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Lyrics - Starry Starry Night (Vincent) by Don MacLean