All Hallows Eve

Pt. 8.

For Xander, waking was a long, disorienting process of cataloging various hurts, from the burn in his neck to the persistent ache between his legs. He didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to escape from the comforting weight of Spike’s arm around his waist. He knew that once he moved, once he left the bed, there would be consequences. He had just spent the night fucking, loving, a 150 year-old vampire. There would be inescapable consequences.

He shifted slightly in the bed, not wanting to wake his exhausted lover, and sinking deeper into his thoughts. *This can’t work.* He shut his eyes. He had convinced himself of that fact sometime before he had fallen asleep and his sentiment hadn’t changed. Spike was, undeniably, capable of love; deep, passionate, destructive love. Of this, Xander had no doubt. There was evidence. Spike had loved Drusilla; he had loved Buffy and probably still did, and, from what had been revealed the night before, he had loved Angelus, as well. Xander, on the other hand, had never experienced that kind of passion. The ‘I would die for you,’ Titanic, kind of passion. He didn’t think that he could survive the force of Spike’s love, of his emotion. But, more importantly, Xander was afraid he couldn’t survive his own need for Spike.

There was more. Xander supposed that by now he should be used to unconventional relationships, but what he really wanted, deep inside, was the happy, wholesome American family, white picket fence and all. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. That was an unattainable dream. Family? Never.

His thoughts drifted unbidden to the one place and time where he had felt most content: Scotland. For that one night, watching the stars by the sea with Robbie and William, he had felt like he truly belonged to something bigger than himself. He had been deeply and completely in love with William; and Robbie, beautiful Robbie, a boy with Xander’s own laughing dark eyes, had been playing there beside them.

That was what Xander wanted and what he knew couldn’t be recaptured. Spike may have regained his soul but he had not regained his humanity. He was immortal and Xander was, undeniably, a fragile, mortal creature. He could never live with Spike. And, sadly, he couldn’t have a family with him. He had enough common sense to know that. Buffy and Angel had realized the problems inherent in their relationship, beyond the happiness clause, and Xander knew that he was going to have to face the same issues with Spike. The beautiful vampire would remain untouched by age, as Xander grew older and older over the years. Love eternal or not, there was little that could withstand that kind of strain, and Xander would never subject a child to it.

He sighed deeply, looking at Spike’s face, relaxed in sleep. His heart hurt. If they broke the curse and he stayed, he would lose himself to the passion, the pleasure and the freedom that Spike offered. He would lose everything that was the old Xander and face an uncertain future with an assuredly unhappy ending.

The phone rang and jerked Xander out of his introspection. It was Willow. She was concerned about him. *This couldn’t be any more awkward,* he thought as he stumbled and stuttered through the conversation. He promised her, in the end, that he was fine and that she, Buffy and Dawn should definitely come over for an early evening movie.

Xander hung up, and without noticing that Spike’s blue eyes were open and watching him, he padded slowly, naked, to the shower.

~*~*~

It was late afternoon and Xander was sitting on the couch with a faraway look in his eyes. Spike, returning from the kitchen with week-old pizza and beer, was halted in his tracks by the immediate sense of Xander’s withdrawal from him. Xander had been uncharacteristically silent since he had emerged from the shower.

“Xan? Harris?” he queried softly, dropping the pizza and the beer onto the coffee table and sitting down next to the young man.

Xander didn’t respond; he merely flinched slightly at Spike’s proximity. He had nothing to say to Spike. There was nothing he could say that would make sense, or that would make anything better. *Can’t work. I know it can't. I love him, I think. But how can that be? What can I say?*

Suddenly, Xander felt a stinging slap. He was rudely yanked out of his reverie, and turned wounded eyes to the vampire sitting pensively beside him. “Why did you do that? I was just thinking,” he muttered, holding a hand to his burning cheek, hoping Spike didn’t sense the sudden leap in his pulse.

Spike looked serious as he contemplated Xander. “I won’t have you drifting away from me. Not now. Not yet.”

Xander wasn’t mollified. “So, is this how it’s going to be between us? I stop paying attention to you for a minute and ya slap me around?” His eyes were wide and glassy, and both cheeks now had spots of rosy color.

Spike grunted and leaned back into the couch cushions. “Not unless that’s what you want. I just don’t want you dwelling on things, thinkin’ too hard about what’s gone on. Obsessing. You’ll go batty.” He softened his tone. “Don’t pull away from me, luv.” He didn’t wait for Xander to respond. “D’you wanna watch this movie or not? The girls are gonna be here any minute.”

Shit. Xander had invited the girls over to watch movies. Willow had been so worried about him after their talk the day before. Was it only yesterday? Xander had no feeling for how much time had passed since he had talked to Willow, died (*no, that wasn’t me*), and been brought to life again in the arms of a vampire.

The movie had not been one of his better ideas, but then, he was not known for his bright ideas. He was also not one to keep secrets. He needed help and he had always turned to his friends before. The Scooby gang had been through some terrible things in their time together and he figured that they, as a group, could handle this. He wouldn’t have to face anything, including Spike and his feelings, alone. *If I love him then it gives us the power to break the curse. Then I can go . . .*

Spike was still studying him with a worried look on his face. Xander couldn‘t bring himself to reassure the vampire that he wasn‘t losing it. There was a knot of tension permanently lodged in his stomach. He had given into some terribly base urges that morning, allowing himself to experience a terrifying loss of control. It had gone way beyond his one time with Faith, and his constant submission to Anya. This had been real. Losing yourself real. Becoming the vampire’s bitch, real.

But, Spike wasn’t so demanding now, in fact he seemed to be at a loss. Xander made a brief, half-hearted effort to comfort the blond. “Sorry I snapped at you, Spike. I do wanna watch the movie.” He grabbed a piece of pizza and stuffed it in his mouth to forestall any further attempts at conversation. He did notice, though, that Spike didn’t apologize for slapping him.

The girls arrived just in time, and Spike put on the movie. It was Buffy’s choice, Lord of the Rings. It was long but mesmerizing, and despite the number of times Xander had seen it, he found himself falling back into Tolkien’s magical world.

By the middle of the movie, Buffy was asleep on the recliner and Willow, sitting cross-legged on the floor, was enraptured. Dawn was on the computer, using the dark, Xander assumed, to hide any nefarious activities she might be up to online. He turned from Dawn, hunched over the keyboard, to Spike, whose chiseled features were accentuated by the flickering blue light of the television. When Xander glanced at the screen he saw an otherworldly Orlando Bloom peering thoughtfully over some great expanse of New Zealand terrain and had a sudden realization. He reached out a tentative hand to Spike’s porcelain cheek.

Spike held perfectly still. This was the first time that Xander had touched him without some sort of coercion and his hesitant fingers burned the vampire’s flesh.

Xander whispered wonderingly, “You look a little bit like him, so unearthly . . .so beautiful . . .” His fingers trailed across Spike’s lips and paused there. How can I think of him this way?

There was a sharp intake of breath from the floor in front of the couch. Willow was looking up at the two of them in disbelief. “What’s going on?” she hissed, alerting Dawn’s gossip-sensitive teenage ears.

The younger girl turned away from the computer. “What, Willow, what is it?”

Spike reached up and took Xander’s hand in his own, lacing their fingers together before shushing the two girls. Xander didn’t pull away, feeling a little tingly at Spike‘s proprietary gesture.

Spike was silent though, leaving the explanations to Xander. “Ur. . .well. Willow?” She nodded encouragingly. “Do you remember what we talked about yesterday? About me and Spike?” he asked.

She nodded. “Uh hmm. You told me that you thought that you and Spike had lived before, a long time ago, and that somehow you had been cur You You thought it was pretty serious.”

Xander nodded and started to reply when he was interrupted.

“Cursed by who?” Buffy didn’t sound at all like she had been sleeping. She sounded terribly alert. “What exactly is going on, Will? Xander?”

Willow turned to her friend and shrugged. “Xander came to me yesterday and told me that he had a problem. He wasn’t very specific, he just said that he and Spike had known each other before, like past lives stuff, and that there was a c inv involved. He wanted to know if I could break it, the curse I mean, but I told him that my magic was wacky and I didn’t know enough about the nature of the curse. Anything that I tried might’ve only made it worse, y’know?” She looked worried; concerned that she hadn’t tried hard enough to help her friend.

Buffy turned to the two on the couch, still holding hands. “So, Xander, why don’t you fill me in on what you didn’t tell Willow? I have a feeling that this has something to do with how strange Spike has been acting, doesn’t it?”

Xander sighed. *Here goes nothin’.* “Okay, Spike and I did know each other in another life, and I guess we were kindofinvolved.”

Dawn coughed and Buffy glanced over at her sister before asking, “Involved how? Like, involved how I think you mean?”

“Yeah.” Xander nodded.

Buffy sat back and narrowed her eyes. “Huh. Go on.”

“Right. Well. There was hurting and betraying and then there was cursing.” He caught his breath. “We just had to have some closure before we could break the curse.” Spike’s hand tightened on his and Xander could hear the vampire whisper, “Closure?” He pretended not to notice, studiously avoiding eye contact with Spike.

Willow touched his leg to get his attention. “Who cursed who?”

“I cursed ‘im. He dies every Halloween.” Spike spoke out loud for the first time, staring at the Slayer defiantly.

“Why?” Dawn asked, eyes wide.

Xander squeezed Spike’s hand harder than necessary before answering, “That’s personal, Dawn.” He turned to Buffy. "Do you have a problem with this? Are you gonna help or not?”

“Whoa. Take it easy, Xander. I still don’t understand. You and Spike were together in the past and now you’re together again? Like, together together?”

Both Xander and Spike nodded, and when Xander turned to look at Spike the light from the TV illuminated the side of his neck.

Willow gasped, “Oh God. He’s bitten you!”

Buffy was on her feet and next to Xander before he could move, pulling his shirt collar down and staring intently at the angry mark.

Spike pushed her gently away as Xander murmured, “It’s not like Angel never bit you.”

She didn’t say anything for a minute, just stood and stared at the two of them. When she did speak her voice was low and even. “This is something I never expected.” She shook her head. “I can’t be angry, though. I’ve accepted that Willow’s gay, so I can’t have a probtherthere, can I?” She tapped her lip with a pink fingernail before continuing, musing to herself. “Lord knows that I have a thing for the undead.” It felt like everyone was holding their breath, waiting for her to finish. She shrugged and slipped her hands into her pockets. "I guess what’s most important, though, is that I thought that there was enough hope for Spike that I helped him get the chip out.” There was a palpable sense of relief in the room. “So, the only question is . . .are you okay with this, Xander?” She gave him a sidelong glance.

“I don’t know,” was Xander’s strained reply.

Buffy just nodded. It was a sentiment that she could understand. “We’ll help you Xander, with whatever you need.”

TBC