The Princess of Denial

“God dammit,” I whisper angrily. I’m almost outta cigarettes. I’ll have to stop at the store later. I’m sitting out on the porch and chain smoking like a mother fucker. I don’t know how long it’s been since that little blow up, but it feels like it’s been forever. Kinda ironic if ya think about it ‘cause lately things have been going way too fast. At least that’s what it feels like and I fuckin hate it. I wanted to stay in that bed forever but it went by too fast. Everything about it flew by, but afterwards especially. Holdin her and shit was a huge surprise. I’ve never been that gentle with anyone before. It wasn’t the best part by far, but it’s pretty high up there.


I cringe when the door opens ‘cause I know exactly what’s coming. Well, depending on the person. Xander will want details about the sex, Willow will want details about my feelings, and Dawn will want to know exactly how long things have been going on and why I never told her about it, and all three will have some threat. Ya know, ‘if you hurt Buffy you’ll be swimming with the fishes’, that kinda thing. Well I didn’t hurt Buffy so I’m not the one in the wrong here. They’ll never believe that, though. We might as well be living back in Sunnydale ‘cause to them B’s a goddess and I’m the stray they took in off the street.


I can tell just by the sound of the footsteps that it’s not one of the women, but it’s also not Xander ‘cause he’s not that big either. I look over my shoulder and my breath hitches in my throat. Thank God there was no smoke in that or I’d be gagging like a mother fucker. I’ll end the fuckin suspense. The person at the door is Marcus. He looks…I don’t know what the fuck he looks like ‘cause I’ve never seen that expression before in my entire life. He’s got two opened bottles of beer in his hands so maybe he doesn’t know anything.


He shuts the door using his foot and sits down next to me on the step. I’ve got about a thousand questions running through my mind, but I don’t say a fucking word. Talking right now would be really fuckin bad because I don’t know if he knows anything or not and I don’t wanna give anything away. So instead of opening my mouth and settin a bomb off, I take the last drag of my cigarette and crush the butt with the tip of my shoe. He holds out one of the beers for me to take, but I just look at him all suspiciously.


“It’s a peace offering, just take it,” he says and he sounds a little annoyed. Ok, if it’s a peace offering then why not? I take the bottle and we both take a swig. His is a lot longer than mine though, and I know right away that he knows. How much he knows and what he was told, I don’t got a damn clue, but he’s not completely in the dark. “So, you fucked my girlfriend.” That was a statement, not a question. I look over at him all wide eyed and he takes another sip of his beer. “I heard the fight.” Oh fuck. Why the fuck is he being so nice to me?


“I’m gonna be straight with you, there’s no point not to be. I know you wanted her. You made it pretty obvious from the moment I met you.” How the fuck did I make it obvious? I’ve always been good at hiding my feelings. “At first I thought you just didn’t like me.” I don’t like him so he’s not wrong. “But when we went to the club you freaked when you caught us in the alley.” Ok, so maybe some of my emotions bleed through sometimes. “Even if that night hadn’t happened I would’ve figured it out. I’m not stupid.” I try to come up with something cool to say but I’m still feeling so out of balance that all I can come up with is,


“No you’re not. You do have two Ph.D.’s.” Oh yeah, I’m a real fuckin winner. Why some successful hottie hasn’t swept me off my feet is a real fuckin mystery. I cringe at how retarded I sounded, but he doesn’t call me out on it. All Marcus does is nod his head and take another big swig of beer. The bottle is already half gone and we’ve only been talkin for like two minutes.


“Yeah, I do. And I drive a Mercedes S-class.” Ok, now he’s bragging just to brag, but I’m not going to call him out on it. I fucked his girlfriend and instead of making a big scene we’re out here drinking beer and having an actual civilized conversation about it. I guess I can’t really call him a cro-mag anymore. “So how long have you been in love with her?” He takes another long drink and I let out a little sigh.


“I don’t fuckin know,” I tell him but I don’t sound mad, just…I dunno, lost I guess is a good way to describe it. “Probably forever. According to some people I’ve been in denial about everything where Buffy is concerned.” You probably think I’m crazy, opening up to the one guy I hate the most, besides my dad and all of my mom’s junkie boyfriends, but let’s be real: I fucked his girlfriend and he’s not trying to kill me. I might as well be honest. Besides, I’m too tired and emotionally drained to think of something besides the truth.


“So what is this exactly?” I ask and take a sip of my beer. I really don’t want to get buzzed or anything ‘cause that could lead to badness, but a little hair of the dog never hurt anyone. “I’m having a real hard time believin you’d come out here to congratulate me for finally gettin together with B. Hell, I’m still having a hard time believin you didn’t slip something into this.” I hold up the beer a little so he knows what I’m talking about and he laughs.


“This is me admitting defeat. It doesn’t happen often so I’d thought I’d have a beer. I didn’t know you were going to be out here but I saw you through the window,” he says and finishes his bottle. I hand him mine without hesitation. “Thanks.” He takes another long swig. Wow, I guess he’s really broken up about this. Can’t really blame him. If I had a shot with B and she slept with someone else I’d probably go off the deep end.


“So you’re not gonna try to work it out?” I ask and I try as hard as I can to keep the smile outta my voice. I’m not trying to rub his face in anything, I’m just really fuckin curious. I mean, it’s not like me and B are on good terms or anything and if he wants to get back together with her he has a way better shot at being with her than I do. “I mean, this could just be a bump in the road or whatever.” I totally forgot what I was going to say to him. I kinda started thinking about last night and my brain turned to mush.


“No, we’re not going to try to work anything out. This was the final nail in the coffin.” I smirk a little. Not because he’s giving up, but because of my line of work. Come on, you can’t say that to a slayer and expect her not to smile. “She doesn’t love me. If she did she wouldn’t sneak off to see you when I spend the night.” Again my eyes go all wide and he shrugs. “I told you, I’m not stupid.” Guess he’s really fuckin not. So he knew about that the whole time and he never said anything to her? I really didn’t think he’d be so cool about that.


“You building up your courage to break it off or something?” I ask as he downs the whole fuckin bottle. I saw him drinkin at the club so I know two beers aren’t going to get him drunk or anything, but the way he’s downin ‘em might have an effect. “She’s not a cheater and she feels really fuckin guilty about what happened. Guess she thought you guys still had a chance.” Her words from earlier flash through my mind and some tears sting the corners of my eyes. Does she always gotta be such a bitch to other people when she’s feelin insecure?


“We already broke up, after you stormed off,” he says and looks out at the backyard. The sun’s making its way up to the top of the sky and it looks really fuckin pretty. I never thought I’d think that about a sunrise up this one seems different somehow. I could go into all the fuckin metaphors about it being a new beginning and all of that shit, but I won’t. I’m Faith, sure I’ve changed a lot over the years, but I just don’t do shit like that. “She didn’t even cry. Guess she didn’t want to try to fix things as much as you thought.” I let out a little sigh. This guy just doesn’t know her at all, does he?


“Trust me, she’s crying. She’s just too proud to cry in front of you,” I tell him and he nods his head a little. That little wrinkle in between his eyebrows goes away so I guess I brought him some kind of comfort with that. I didn’t mean to but whatever. It’s not like I’m gonna lie just to make him feel bad. Sure, if I were the old Faith I’d be rubbin it in. I’d be tellin him how awesome it was fuckin B and how she never wanted him in the first place, but I’m not that person anymore. But trust me, if I wasn’t this new person I’d totally be gloating all over his face right now.


“Well, have a good life,” he says and gets up. He walks around the side of the house and a few seconds later I hear his car door close and he drives off. I kinda feel bad for the guy, but at the same time not really. I’m so fuckin glad I’m not going to be seeing his stupid face around here anymore. Maybe if we had met under different circumstances we could be friends, but we didn’t and we’re not. The bastard used to eat all of my cereal and drink all my soy milk. I’m starting to think he did it on purpose just to piss me off.


It’s kinda weird how nothing ever stops the way you want it to. Yesterday and a few days before were literally life changing and yet everything out here is still the same. The neighbor’s cat is still walking along the back fence teasing the other neighbor’s dog. The breeze is still softly blowing through the trees and the other plants. The garden gnomes that Red insisted on so she could hide security cameras in still look creepy as hell. Hmmm, I probably should have insisted on her hiding them in something else, but I didn’t give a fuck at the time.


I don’t really know what the fuck I’m babbling on about. I just think it’s weird how when something big and important happens in your life you except the whole world to change right along with you. It didn’t, though. Everything looks the same, smells the same…that cat is definitely getting braver and is going to get fucked up if he doesn’t leave the dog alone, but other than that everything out here is exactly the same as it was last week. Is it really possible to be mad at the backyard for being the same or am I just going crazy?


I light another cigarette and set my lighter down on the step beside me. I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do. I said I would leave if she wanted me to, but I can’t do that. I can’t just take off and leave behind everyone I care about. B’s not the only person I’ve gotten close to, ya know? Willow and Ken are like family now, which is something I never thought I’d say. If B wanted me to leave, to give her some space while she worked shit out in her own mind I would, but I wouldn’t go far and I wouldn’t be gone forever.


I hear people moving around in the kitchen but I don’t turn around to see who it is. As far as I’m concerned the house might as well be invisible or not there in the first place. Nope, the only shit I’m focusing on is what’s going on in front of me. The sun is higher in the sky so I’d guess it’s about two pm. I’ve been out here for a long fuckin time, that’s for sure. No one’s been out here to see what I’m doin but I’m not surprised. B probably woke everyone up this morning with her screaming and yelling so they probably know I wanna be left the fuck alone.


The backdoor opens and I sigh a little. I really don’t wanna deal with anyone right now. It’s probably Red coming out here to see how I’m doing. She was really fuckin worried when I was in her bed. She didn’t say it but I could tell. She kept looking over at Kennedy with this really sad and concerned look in her eyes. It’s the same look she gets whenever one of the girls gets hurt really bad on patrol. I woulda freaked if I thought for a second she was pitying me, but she wasn’t. I’ve learned to tell the difference between pity and concern.


“Hey,” she says and as soon as I hear her voice my whole body tenses up. I’m really starting to think god hates me. Is it still called paranoia if you’re right? “You’ve been out here for a while. I thought you might want something to eat.” She sets a plate down next to me and I glance at it. There’s a ham sandwich and a turkey sandwich, both of ‘em have lots of veggies, a big pile of potato chips and some fresh pineapple cut into chunks. All of my favorites. I guess this is her way of saying sorry.


“Thanks for the food,” I say and toss my cigarette butt on the ground. It’s almost like I’m daring her to say something about it, but I’m really not. I’m just too lazy to get up and put it in the ashtray. I feel so fuckin drained if I closed my eyes for a few minutes I’d probably fall asleep right here on the porch. She doesn’t say anything, and she doesn’t leave. I can feel her looking at me and it’s making my skin get that creepy crawling feeling. “You mind fucking off? Really don’t wanna be around you right now.”


“I’m sorry about this morning,” she says and I can’t help but sigh. Why can’t she just leave me the fuck alone? This morning wasn’t enough for her she has to take the rest of my dignity? If she’s out here to bitch about her boyfriend breaking up with her I might try to kill her again. I know I’m reformed or whatever but there’s only so much I can take, ya know? “I was scared and I panicked and when I get scared I lash out.” I shake my head a little bit and pop one of the pineapple chunks into my mouth. I’m pissed at her but I’m fuckin starving.


“Yeah, I kinda noticed that,” I tell her and pick up the ham sandwich. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m so fuckin hungry I feel like I haven’t eaten in days and trust me I know what that shit feels like. “You said I made you a whore.” I take a small bite of the sandwich. God dammit, Buffy. She made it just the way I like it: little bit of mayo, just a hint of honey mustard, and she warmed up the ham a little ‘cause I don’t like it cold. Why does she have to know me so fuckin well? This would be so much easier if we weren’t perfect for each other.


“You also said I got you drunk and took advantage. If you knew a god damn thing about me you’d know I’d never fuckin do that to you.” Why am I even talking to her? She accused me of doing something that fuckin foul and I’m havin a somewhat civilized conversation with her. That doesn’t make any fuckin sense. “I don’t care if you’re sorry. I’m not going to forgive you for that shit. You don’t just say that to someone ‘cause you’re scared.” Great, now I’m too pissed off to eat. God dammit, Buffy.


“I know that, Faith. The rational part of me knows that. But there was nothing rational about what happened,” she says and she sounds hella fuckin defensive. The last thing I want to deal with right now is B when she’s all defensive. Now she’s gonna go right back to blaming everything on me like this morning. I really don’t need this bullshit. What I really need is a quiet room with a bottle of something that’ll help me forget this shit ever happened.


“Look, Faith, I know you probably hate me right now but we need to talk about this.” Oh that’s just fuckin rich. Now she wants to talk about this? “If I walk back through that door then we might as well say goodbye right now because things between us will always be weird and we’ll never talk about it and never try to fix it. We’ll grow apart and then we’ll decide that being friends just isn’t worth all the awkwardness and I can’t do that, Faith. I can’t lose you as a friend.” Now she sounds like she’s going to cry. Dammit, make up your fuckin mind; are you pissed or sad?


“Will you say something?!” she fuckin yells after a minute or two of silence. I guess I really do have to participate in this conversation. I light up my last cigarette and I hear her let out a big annoyed sigh. She fuckin hates that I smoke but fuck her. If she wants me to stop smoking than maybe she should stop stressing me the fuck out. Sounds like a good plan, doesn’t it? I turn so that I can look at her and lean my back up against the rail. She’s determined to have this fucked up conversation so we might as well get it over with.


“I don’t know what you want me to fuckin say, B,” I tell her and exhale a long stream of smoke. I do feel a little more relaxed, especially now that my hands have something to do. Sounds retarded, but it’s true. “This morning you said there’s nothing to fuckin talk about. I told you that I love you and run from the fuckin room. What the fuck do you want me to say, B, ‘cause anything I can think of isn’t gonna be helpful right now.” She looks down at her shoes and she has a look of shame and guilt on her face. It doesn’t make me feel any better though.


“I know, and what I said was horrible and it wasn’t fair to you.” She lets out a big sigh and moves the forgotten plate of food aside so she can sit down across from me. She gets this look on her face like she’s trying to decide something and it makes me nervous. That look never really ends well for anyone, especially me. I feel like a dog about to be taken to the pound. “I haven’t been fair to you at all, either of us, really.” I can tell by the sound of her voice that she’s talking to get this out of her system not because she wants to tell me everything.


“You were right the other night when you said I’ve been acting so non-Buffy-like,” she says and she looks down at her lap. Wow, I can’t believe she just admitted out loud for me to hear that she thinks I’m right. Great, now there’s gonna be another apocalypse. Way to go, B. “The truth is I have feelings for you too. I’ve had them for a while and they won’t go away.” What the fuck?! I start coughing like a motherfucker when the cigarette smoke gets caught in my throat. B instantly leans over and starts patting my back to help me out.


“What did you just say?” I ask when I can finally breathe. I look up at her, eyes wide and all that shit, and she looks really fuckin nervous now. I hope she doesn’t backtrack. I hope she doesn’t deny everything she just said, tell me that last night was the biggest mistake of her life and she doesn’t want to see me anymore. That would really fuckin suck for all kinds of reasons. I can’t lose my friends and stay sane. It’s just not fuckin possible.


“I said: I love you too,” she says looking me dead in the eyes. That looked like it hurt to say. I guess she’s been holding that in for a while. I go dead fuckin silent. She’s finally being honest and opening up to me so I’m not gonna fuck that all up by opening my mouth and ruining the moment. “I’ve been so afraid of it. You’re not the easiest person to love.” Yeah, that’s definitely the fuckin truth. “I don’t do casual relationships and you are always saying you won’t commit. I thought that if I told you I’d get my heart broken, again.”


“And what about Marcus? You two seemed pretty love sick,” I say and I try to keep that as neutral as possible, but there’s hate in it. Can you really fuckin blame me? I had to listen to the two of them screw almost nonstop. I’m surprised I didn’t go completely fuckin insane, again. She sighs and gets that guilty look on her face. Even if she didn’t love him she still feels hella fuckin guilty for cheating on him. She’s just not the kind of person who can do something like that and have a clear conscience.


“I care about him but I don’t love him,” she says and this sounds really fuckin hard for her to say. Like the words don’t wanna leave her throat but she’s forcing them out. “I jumped into bed so soon with him because being around you was driving me crazy.” Holy fucking shit. I did not see that coming. “He was a substitute for my feelings for you. He was a way for me to act on them without really acting on them and it wasn’t fair for any of us.” A question pops into my mind and I don’t know if I should ask it. It’ll either break the tension or make her deck me. What-the-fuck-ever, it’ll be so worth it.


“Tell me somethin, when you two were screwin, were you picturing me?” I ask and wiggle my eyebrows. I give her the classic smirk-dimple combo and her face gets so fuckin red I know it’s the truth. She can deny it all she wants, but there’s no way she’d blush that hard unless it was true. “Holy shit, B, are you serious?” She blushes a little brighter and looks down at her lap. I laugh a little bit but decide to give her a break. She really doesn’t deserve it ‘cause of all the shit she pulled today but I want things to be better between us and starting a fight isn’t gonna help.


“So, what do you wanna do now?” I ask and sound all relaxed and shit. Things aren’t as tense as they were before so it’s not like I sound like an ass but I’m too tired to be all serious again. Maybe after a few hours sleep we can hash this shit out a little more but right now I just wanna get some shut eye. She looks up at me, and she has this little shy look in her eyes. I love it when she gets that look on her face. It’s one of my favorites.


“If it were up to me we’d go out, just the two of us,” she says and now she looks really shy. I can’t help the little smile that pulls at the corners of my lips. Damn she’s so fuckin adorable. She made me forget that by making me wanna strangle her, but it’s the fuckin truth. Right now she’s making me wanna take her in my arms and never let her go, but I’m still pissed at her so that won’t be happening anytime soon.


“Like, ya know, on a date?” she says, sounding all shy. She’s even got the cute blush going on and now I really wanna hug her. Fuckin Buffy, turning me into a softy. The shy look goes away and is replaced with something a little more serious. Great, we’re gonna have one of those talks again. “But I know you don’t do stuff like that, Faith. I don’t know what you want and it’s scaring me. I need to know if you want something real with me or not.” Fuck, I really wish I had another cigarette.


“The reason I said all that shit is because I don’t want anything real with someone else,” I tell her and she looks a little disappointed. I might as well bite the bullet and be completely honest with her now. I guess there’s no reason not to be. “You’re the only person I want, B. I want everything, the dating, the hand holding, and stupid pet names. I’m not saying I’m ready to settle down and get married.” I would if she asked but I don’t wanna freak her out. “But when I am ready, you’re the one I wanna do that with.”


She looks really fuckin surprised. I guess she didn’t think I’d ever say anything like that. It’s making me feel a little uncomfortable. I’m not used to talking about this kind of shit and I wanna get off the subject like right fuckin now. But then her shocked look turns to this cute, almost shy little smirk. Why does my face and neck feel so hot? Oh fuck, I’m blushing! God dammit, B! I never fuckin blush, ever. But one serious conversation with this chick about our feelings and now I’m blushing like a school girl.


“So we’re really going to do this? We’re really going to start dating?” B asks and she sounds…I don’t know what the fuck she sounds like. Excited but also something else. I take in a big breath and hold onto it. Don’t ask me why ‘cause I don’t know. I just need to think for a second. She’s offering me everything I want, pretty much on a silver platter, but I can’t say yes. I’m still too pissed off and hurt. If we go out on a date while I’m feeling like this and shit goes wrong this could end before it really gets started.


“We could go out to dinner, maybe see a movie. That’s what all the cool kids are doing this way,” she says with a little smirk. I can’t help but smile back. She looks so fuckin adorable right now that it’s really fuckin hard to even think about saying no to her. B’s always been my weak spot, always. Back in the day she used to piss me off to no fuckin end and even the sound of her name could have me seein red, but since we became friends it’s a different kind of weakness. Now that we’ve had sex who fuckin knows how much power this chick is gonna have over me.


“No, B, we can’t,” I tell her and her face falls. She looks confused and I have to force myself not to smile. I’ve always thought this expression looked cute. Sometimes I confuse her on purpose just so I can see this face. But I can’t let it distract me right now even though all I wanna do is kiss her. Kiss her and pull her into my lap so I can run my hands up and down her back, and then up and down that fine ass of hers. Damn, what the fuck was I saying? Oh, right.


“What do you mean we can’t?” she asks and she sounds a little panicked. I guess she thought once we hashed this shit out we would just jump right into something. Guess I have myself to blame for that. I’m not one of those people who like to take shit slowly. I’m still impulsive like I was back in Sunnydale. I just control it a little better now. “You just said you wanted this, so what’s the problem?” She doesn’t sound mad like I thought she was going to. She just sounds confused and a little desperate.


“B, I know you’re not that dumb,” I say and she gives me a little glare. “You have a lot of shit to make up for. All that stuff you said this morning really fuckin hurt.” I might as well be totally fuckin honest. What else have I got to lose, right? She starts to interrupt but I beat her to it. I really wanna get this out before she can take it the wrong way. “Yeah, I know you didn’t mean it, but it still happened. And I know you said you don’t love him but you need to take some time to get over Marcus ‘cause I’m not gonna be a rebound.”


She lets out a little sigh and I can tell by the look on her face that she thinks I have a point. The problem is, even when she thinks someone has a point she still thinks she’s right. I guess that’s just what happens when you’ve been a slayer for so fuckin long. All the decisions rest on your fuckin shoulders and it’s hard to trust someone else to make some. But I’m not going to back down on this. She’s smart enough to know that if she pushes me too much then she’ll lose me forever. Hopefully she’s smart enough to know since I’m banking on it.


“Ok, we’ll wait,” she says and I can’t believe she’s fuckin agreeing with me. That’s totally fuckin new. She gets this look on her face that sends a little shiver down my spine. It’s making me wanna forget about everything that’s been said in the last fifteen minutes and take her up to my room so I can fuck her brains out, again. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she was doing this on purpose, but I do know better and B doesn’t do shit like this.


“But I might get a little frustrated and impatient waiting for you,” she says and the look in her eyes lets me know exactly what she’s talking about. My breath gets caught in my throat and I kinda hate her for it. How the fuck can she pull my strings so fuckin easy? I might as well be some show old circus side show. Come one! Come all! Step right up to see manipulation at its finest! Tickets on sale now and anyone caught with their pants down will be asked to leave.


“So if you hear anything a little…suspicious, just remember that I’m thinking of you,” she says with a little wink and a smirk that looks just like my smirk whenever I say something like that. She gets up and walks back into the house before I can say anything. God dammit, Buffy! Why the fuck do I always let her push me around like that? She’s going to make this whole ‘taking time’ thing really fuckin hard for me just because she can. How the hell do I always get myself into these fucked up situations?