Later in the Ashes

Later in the Ashes (Chapter Seven)



The drive to Los Angeles seemed shorter each time. Willow could have sworn she was barely out of Sunnydale before the smog made it difficult to see and the drivers grew rude and reckless as she drove under grimy overpasses and struggled to make sense of the omnipresent graffiti. She wondered who on Earth could actually read it. Gang members, she supposed – the real ones, not the phantom bikers on PCP who’d been said to rule the dark streets of Sunnydale for so many years.

Before long, she was at Angel’s, thoughts of deranged motorists and rampant vandalism forgotten. It was still daylight. She was reminded of how very different she and Angel were, of the things that, for all his enhanced senses, he would never see. Even ugly things, like smog-choked urban blight and walls defaced with barely decipherable scrawls of “Chico 139” shining wet and harsh in the hazy midday sun. As unappealing as they were, Willow knew she’d miss them if she couldn’t see them that way ever again.

It made her wonder about beauty, and what she would think was lovely if moonlight was all she had left. The oddest thing was that the first wave of pity she felt was for Spike. Unlike Angel, he’d never expressed a single regret over his undead state, yet still…somehow…

All she was doing was depressing herself, and heaven knows, she didn’t need to work this hard or venture so far afield to find cause for despair. There was more than enough misery in the events of this morning to bring tears sufficient to slake the most ardent appetite for gloom without her flights of fancy returning home with a full cargo.

She waited for the traffic flow to subside sufficiently for her to get out of the car safely. A moment or two later, it did and she hurriedly got out, slammed her door, and made it to the sidewalk just in time to avoid being felled by a blissfully unconcerned man in a Volvo sedan. The irony of nearly being run over by someone driving a safe and stodgy vehicle wasn’t lost on her as she cursed under her breath in some demon tongue she’d picked up a few choice phrases in at Willie’s. Funny how it was always easy to tell what was profanity, even in a language you’d never heard before.

A few moments later, her overnight bag retrieved from the back seat, doors locked, and the car alarm set, she headed inside.

“Willow!” Cordelia seemed surprised when she walked in. Hadn’t Angel let her know that Willow was coming? “Not that I’m not glad to see you, but weren’t you just here?”

The two hugged briefly before Willow spoke, setting her bag by the coffee machine. “Didn’t Angel tell you he called me?”

“No,” Cordelia said, clearly puzzled.

“Oh, well, he called me this morning and…anyway, he told me about the visions and…here I am.” She tried to sound chipper and supportive but she wasn’t sure she’d pulled off either. Cordelia still looked puzzled and her brow was furrowed in a way that left Willow a bit apprehensive.

“So…you’re here because of the visions?” Was that suspicion Willow heard?

“Umm…yeah…I mean…kind of…I…”

“Willow, I’m not stupid, okay? I kind of figured out when Angel called you when Doyle died and not his precious Buffy that something must have changed when you were here looking for Oz.” If Cordelia was fishing, she sure used the right bait because Willow was caught too far off-guard to reply with anything other than a ‘deer-caught-in-the-headlights’ look that surely gave away not only the game, but the set and match as well.

After a few seconds with her mouth open, she managed to choke out a few words. “I…we’re friends and…”

“Yeah right. I thought we’d established that I’m not stupid. I just hope you aren’t either, because we both know what happened the last time Angel had a girlfriend. Dead fish ring any bells?”

“That’s enough, Cordelia,” a firm voice spoke from the doorway.

“All I’m saying is…”

“I said that’s enough. Willow’s not stupid and neither am I. And our friendship is none of your business.” He walked over and picked up Willow’s bag, hoisting it easily, before addressing his next remark to her. “Let’s go downstairs where we can talk.”

“See you later,” Willow said to Cordelia before leaving the room with Angel. She could almost feel the tension as Cordelia exercised unusual restraint and kept silent.

Speaking of silence – that was pretty much what reigned as she and Angel headed downstairs. When they reached his apartment, he took her in his arms and kissed her.

Willow had to admit, she’d missed this. She’d never thought of herself as sex-crazed before, though she’d always enjoyed it, but now – with Angel – it was something she craved. Still, as much as she wanted things to progress, there were things they really needed to discuss, so...

“Angel,” she panted the moment his mouth left hers, “We have to stop.”

“You’re right,” he said, sounding more than a bit disappointed as he let her go and stepped back, “I guess I was just hoping…”

“That you could distract me?” Willow finished, a small smile on her face to let him know she wasn’t upset.

He smiled back. “Didn’t work.”

“It almost did.”

“Did it now?” There was a faint hint of a brogue in his tone. She’d almost forgotten that Angel, like Doyle, was Irish.

She put her hand out, gesturing for him to keep his distance. “Almost, but not quite. We really do need to talk.”

“I know,” he sighed, sitting down on the couch and motioning for her to join him. She sat in a chair instead. Maintaining some space between them was probably a good idea.

“So, you didn’t tell Cordelia I was coming?”

“I guess I forgot.”

If she thought that was going to start a conversation and allow her to ease gradually into the tough topics, she was sorely mistaken. Because after that short and barely informative exchange, all that followed was silence.

There were so many things she wanted to say, so why couldn’t she say any of them? Angel was no help either, sitting stoically across from her waiting for her to initiate further conversation. Still, for all his lack of speech, he was nothing like Oz.

That thought was what broke the logjam.

“Oz isn’t coming back.” The words came out in a rush, as if they were in a hurry to be spoken.

“You heard from him?” Angel sounded strangely nervous.

“No. It’s just…I was looking in the mirror this morning and…I knew. I knew I wasn’t Oz’s girl anymore.”

“Willow, I…”

Willow held up her hands, gesturing for him to keep still. “That’s not all I want to talk about, okay? But it’s something I needed to say. I don’t know what we are, whether this is just a now thing or a ‘thing’ thing, like a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but I am telling you that I’m not looking backwards anymore. And I need to know, before I let myself feel anything for you…what about you and Buffy?”

“You want to know if I still have feelings for her.”

“Yeah.”

“And about what I told you on the phone.”

“That too.”

Angel sighed again and ran his hand through his hair. Willow’s chest tightened, terrified that he was going to tell her that she was cute and a good lay, but that Buffy was still his one true love.

That wasn’t what he said.

“She’s not what I want. Maybe once…once, yeah, she was everything I thought I wanted, but now…”

“Now?”

“You said you looked in the mirror this morning. What did you see?”

Was he saying what she hoped he was? “You mean…?”

“Yeah, I mean. I want you, Willow. And I don’t just mean in bed. I mean I want you here with me every day. I want to look across the office and see you sitting at your computer. I want to see you smile at me in the morning. I want to feel your arms around me when things seem hopeless. I want you.”

She couldn’t breathe. As much as a part of her was happy, happier than she was at all comfortable with, another part of her felt guilty for taking something that meant everything to Buffy – Angel’s love. Just because her friend had a brand new lover didn’t mean she was ready to let go of what she’d counted on having forever, and Willow knew that. Besides, could she even believe Angel? She needed more questions answered.

“What about that other thing? The second time?”

Again, Angel’s hand raked through his hair. He was nervous. Why? When had this taken place? The knot in Willow’s stomach grew.

“When Buffy came here, to tell me to leave her alone…”

That was shortly before Willow herself had visited L.A. for the first time. But Buffy’s visit had been so brief. “You two had sex then? But…she would have told me…wouldn’t she?”

“She doesn’t remember.” Angel’s voice was low and…off. It made Willow wonder.

“How can she not remember? What? Did you slip her a roofie or something?” She regretted those last words the moment she said them. “I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t do that, it’s just…”

“I was human.”

This made less sense with every word Angel spoke. “You were…what?”

“There was a demon…I fought it…the blood turned me human.”

“Oh my God. Angel. You were…”

“Human. For a day. Buffy and I spent it together. I ate food, I felt things…and we made love.”

“But Angel, Buffy wasn’t away for a whole day. In fact, I can’t believe there was even enough time for you two to have sex.”

“They took the day back.” He said that as if it explained everything. It didn’t explain anything.

“Who…how…?”

“The Oracles. When I realized…when I saw what being human meant, how I could no longer do anything to atone for what I’d done …I went to the Oracles. They turned back time so that it would never happen, I would never become human. And the only one who remembers the day is me.”

“I’m so sorry.” What else could she say? She got up and moved to the couch to sit next to Angel. She put her hand on his arm and neither of them spoke for what seemed like a long time.

“I’m not.”

It took Willow a moment to realize what he was talking about. “You’re not?”

“No,” he said, his voice full of wonder, as if he just now realized what he was saying and what it meant, “no, I’m not. I’m not sorry. I’m…I’m not sorry.” He stared into her eyes, seeming grateful somehow, though Willow couldn’t really understand. Or maybe she did.

“You’re glad you’re not human?” She wanted to make sure.

“I am. At first…when it happened…I told myself that I was making a sacrifice, that I was doing it for Buffy’s sake and for the sake of all the people who needed to be saved, but now…now I think maybe…I don’t know.”

She waited, not knowing what to say and hoping that he would say it instead.

“I did it without even telling her, you know. I never asked her, I just went to the Oracles and made the deal. I told her about what I’d done only a minute before it was set to happen. One last kiss and then…we were right back in the office and she was telling me to leave her alone, to let her forget me. I told myself I was sad and hurt because I couldn’t be human and be with her but…now, I don’t think so. I think I was sad because…because I wasn’t sorry. I should have been sorry.”

“I understand.”

“Yes, you do.” Angel held onto her hand almost too tightly.

She wasn’t sure what she understood, but she knew that, on some level, she really did understand. Strange how that could be.

“I don’t mind – being what I am, I mean. I used to, but now…it’s not that I don’t regret all the things that I did, the people I killed, the lives I destroyed. I’ll never stop regretting those things. But who I am now, no, no I don’t mind that. I don’t mind the abilities that allow me to save lives and help people. It’s more than that though, I just…”

“I’m glad you’re who you are.” She meant it. It would never have occurred to her to wish that Angel was human, though she knew Buffy did. “And not just because you’ve saved my life a few times with those vamp-y abilities.”

“I know.”

They held hands and there were no words again for a short while. It didn’t feel quiet though. Her brain was noisy with thoughts and fear.

“I’m not him.” Angel’s voice broke through the din.

“What?”

“I’m not Oz.” She made to interrupt, but Angel kept talking and she couldn’t. “I know you’re afraid, afraid I’ll run the way he did. I won’t.” He stared into her eyes with an intensity that was frightening. “When you came here that day, tearing my place apart, hysterical, do you know what I thought?”

She remembered full well what he'd said then, but she feigned ignorance. “Umm…that there was a crazy woman in your apartment?” She gave a tentative grin, trying to lighten the mood. That didn’t happen.

“That I wanted someone to love me the way you loved Oz. That no one who could throw away that kind of love ever deserved you. I hated Oz. I still do.”

“You think you mean that, but…”

“But what?” He sounded angry now.

“Everybody says that, says they care, but they don’t. They leave or they push me off to the side and pretend they’re still my best friend or they don’t even pay enough attention to realize that my parents haven’t been home since before my high school graduation or…” She broke down, barely registering the feel of Angel’s arms as he pulled her close.

“I’m not them, Willow. I don’t know why they do what they do to you, but …” He put his hand under her chin and tilted her face up. She must have looked a sight: puffy face, red eyes, tear stains. He was gazing at her like she was beautiful. Then he kissed her.

It was sweet and tender, but it was nothing like Oz. She tensed for a moment before giving in, kissing him back, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him closer.

The kiss ended and Willow let go; Angel didn’t. “I don’t know what happened with the curse, whether you did something differently when you performed it again, or whether there’s some loophole we don’t know about, but I know one thing: If happiness was enough to cost me my soul, I’m sure I would have lost it with you by now.”

They kissed again, needier this time. Willow believed, and it scared her - because she’d believed too many times before, and she couldn’t face one more heartbreak. How could she make Angel happy if she couldn’t even make her own parents love her? Make Xander put their friendship on anywhere near the same level as whatever girl was getting his dick hard this week. Make Buffy care enough to spend time with her. Make Giles remember that she wasn’t a laptop with a perky grin. Make Oz want to stay.

She let go anyway, getting lost in the way Angel’s body felt under her hands, in the way his kiss stole her breath and she didn’t care, in how badly she wanted him inside her.

It was obvious he wanted the same thing. Not a moment later, he picked her up and carried her to his bed, almost tearing her clothes as he hurried to strip her. It might have made her giggle if her own need wasn’t as great, but there was nothing amusing about obstacles now. Her hands were at his belt buckle now as she helped him off with his own apparel, and then…

The first thrust of his cock was, as ever, a bit of a shock. Her body still registered the size of him, and the force with which he took her. She looked into his eyes; saw the flash of gold and the ghost of ridges wanting to form on his face. She realized she liked this, that she had from the beginning. It felt…powerful – the way he gave her all of himself.

She was surprised when he suddenly withdrew, flipped her over, and positioned her on her hands and knees before thrusting in again. Sure, he had taken her from behind in the shower, but it was still an unfamiliar position to her. Not that she didn’t like it…

He was pounding into her now, hard and fast. She liked that, too. He was so passionate. It forced her to let go of her restraints, to feel and not just give. His fingers found her clitoris, building her towards something shattering.

She came, screaming his name so loudly she would have worried Cordelia could hear her if she was capable of rational thought. Angel followed her not a moment later, his fangs in her neck – renewing his claim.

They collapsed, sated and spent, beside each other on the now rumpled bed. He looked so gentle now, and his eyes were full of something she wasn’t sure she wanted to name. She was terrified the same thing shone from her own.

Without warning, Angel suddenly leapt from the bed and began to dress. Oh no! Was he…was Cordelia right? Had they been stupid?

“Angel?” Willow’s voice shook and her eyes filled with tears.

“I’m going to see the Oracles,” was all he said as he buttoned his shirt and fastened his belt buckle. Then he put on his shoes and was gone before Willow could say another word.

What was going on? He said he was going to see the Oracles. He had gone to see them when…

Willow ran to the bathroom, vomiting up everything she’d eaten over the last twenty-four hours into Angel’s barely-used toilet. There was only one reason she could think of for Angel to be going to see the Oracles: he had changed his mind. He wanted to be human again…so he could be with Buffy.

She flushed the toilet and burst into tears, kneeling on the tile floor, not even remembering that she was naked. This was the worst day of her life. She'd thought she was safe. She’d given Angel everything, allowed herself to fall…to fall…

She couldn’t even bear to think of the words that finished that sentence. Why? What had she done to deserve this much pain? Was this some sort of punishment for sleeping with Angel in the first place? Because Buffy had moved on - technically, anyway – and Oz had left her, so it wasn’t like she was cheating or stealing someone’s boyfriend or anything? So why…why?

Her tears continued and she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to stop crying, though she should. She should, in fact, get up, get dressed, and get gone. Just as she stood up, however, she realized she wasn’t alone.

“Oh my God!”

“Cordelia?” How much worse could things possibly get? She mumbled the words to the glamour and hoped like anything that her hair had been hiding the bite.

“Willow, you’re naked!” What a relief. At least some of her luck had held. Cordelia would surely have mentioned the bite had she seen it.

“I know that. Could you hand me my clothes?”

“You mean the clothes that are strewn all over Angel’s bedroom?”

“Cordelia, please just…”

If Willow had any idea of her tear-stained face and the obvious pain in her voice heading off any further trouble, she was sadly mistaken. Cordelia was not the least bit deterred. “I thought we had this discussion upstairs. You know, the one where you two assured me that you weren’t stupid? What were you thinking? Did Oz’s leaving make you suicidal? Because if it did, you should have just slit your wrists and not decided to try bringing back an evil, murdering monster who would kill other people as well…like me, for instance.”

Willow collapsed again, wailing as she sank back down on the bathroom floor. That, at least, seemed to melt the ice that had re-formed around Cordelia’s heart where she was concerned.

“I’m sorry, Willow. I didn’t really mean that I thought you should kill yourself or anything. I’m sure you didn’t mean…and hey, if it helps, he’s not Angelus. I don’t think Angelus would go to see the Oracles and that’s where Angel said he was headed, plus, he wasn’t wearing leather, so…”

If Willow hadn’t been too hysterical to speak, she still wouldn’t have known what to say. She couldn’t very well tell Cordelia the truth: that she would almost prefer to have unleashed Angelus than be enduring the agony she was right now.

Cordelia knelt down beside Willow and wrapped her arms around her. Willow just kept sobbing. Then, somehow – maybe it was a blessing having the sort of mind she did – it occurred to her that being naked in Cordelia’s arms was something Xander would probably have paid to witness. She couldn’t help herself; she started laughing.

“Are you okay?” Cordelia sounded very concerned.

“Yeah,” Willow finally managed to choke out through her giggles, “I just realized that Xander probably fantasized about something like this back in high school.”

“About you and Angel?”

Cordelia’s cluelessness only made Willow laugh harder, but after a minute she was able to gasp out a reply. “No…me…naked…with you…”

Cordelia immediately leapt to her feet and wiped her hands on her skirt. Great. Gay panic mixed with revulsion. That wasn’t doing anything good for Willow’s emotional state.

But then Willow heard something: laughter. And this time, it wasn’t her own. Cordelia was soon leaning against the door frame, almost as hysterical as Willow had just been.

“Oh God! He so did…I just know he did.”

Eventually, she calmed and smiled at Willow. “Let’s get you dressed, huh? And then we can talk about this and you’ll see what a bad idea it would be to do anything like this again and…”

“Cordelia.” Angel was back. “I thought we established that Willow’s and my friendship was none of your business.”

Willow barely looked at him, just got up, sidled into the nearest corner of the bedroom, and wrapped her arms around herself, feeling odd and...well embarrassed being nude in a room with two fully-clothed people.

“Friendship?” Cordelia shrieked. “Since when do friends do naked things together?”

Angel glared, but Cordelia was obviously not ready to back down, at least not entirely. “Look, I realize that you’re a man and men have…needs, but do I have to remind you about your little problem? The one with the sharp teeth and the complete lack of a soul?”

“Leave. Now. Willow and I need to talk.”

The glare had turned icy and Cordelia shivered. “I’m just trying to help, oh, and not get killed.”

“It’ll be okay. I promise." Willow spoke softly and placatingly.

Cordelia seemed more mollified by Willow’s words than by Angel. The difference in manner might have been a factor. “Okay, after Willow puts her clothes on, I’ll leave. But I’ll be right upstairs and if I hear anything that sounds remotely non-friendly, I’ll be down here with a stake so fast it will make your head spin.”

Willow was hardly going to point out what little difference putting her clothes on would make or how misplaced Cordelia’s worry was. After all, Angel didn’t want her anymore. Since she wanted to get dressed anyway so she could leave that much faster, Willow made her way around the room, picking up her various garments, and was clothed again in no time.

An hour ago, she would have seen the look on Angel’s face as disappointment; now, she had no idea what to think of it.

Cordelia, of course, was oblivious to Willow’s anguish and turned to leave the room. “Just behave, okay? Because I mean it. I’m keeping my ears open for any suspicious noises from down here. No more naked stuff.”

Angel growled and Cordelia scurried away, leaving Willow alone with the man who had broken her heart for good and all and was now about to make it official.

“So,” Willow said. It wasn’t much, but it was something. Something that wasn’t silence and wasn’t the sound of her life shattering into a million pieces. Would it be enough, she wondered, to know that Buffy was going to be happy?

Angel just stared. “What’s wrong, Willow?”

Had he actually just asked that question? “Nothing. I’m just…” She walked up to him and put her hand on his chest, wanting to at least feel the heartbeat that represented everything he wanted…everything that wasn’t her.

There was nothing. No heartbeat. Just Angel still staring at her, though now it looked as if he thought she’d finally lost her mind. “What are you doing?”

“I guess it hasn’t happened yet.”

“What?”

“You’re not human yet. When is it going to happen?”

“What?!?” Angel seemed stunned. Did he think she was too dumb to figure things out?

“The Oracles. You went to see them, right? To tell them you’d changed your mind, that you wanted to be human again, to be with Buffy?”

If she’d punched him, she didn’t think he’d look any more stunned or pained. “You thought…?” In a second, she was in his arms, being held so tightly she couldn’t breathe. “Willow, I’m so sorry. I never thought…I should have said…”

She could feel Angel’s tears in her hair as he held her. Finally, he loosened his hold enough for her to catch her breath and she spoke through tears of her own. “I thought…I thought you’d realized…I thought you decided you didn’t want me.”

He let go of her and stepped back, taking her hands in his. “I want you, Willow. Believe me. More than that. I went to see the Oracles because, after we made love, I was so incredibly happy – happier than I ever thought possible, happier than I’ve ever been -and I didn’t lose my soul. I couldn't believe...I had to know why.”

Willow was about to collapse again when Angel caught her. He led her over to the bed and held her as she began to cry once more. All her fears, all the pain…it was too much. Irrationally, she was angry at him for putting her through it for nothing.

He seemed to understand, holding her close as her sobs finally subsided and even the hiccupping ceased. After a few more moments, she spoke up. “Did you find out?”

“Sort of.”

Willow waited for a moment, but when Angel didn’t elaborate, she asked, “What do you mean, sort of?”

“They said my soul was safe and that you had the answer.”

“Me? But… Huh?”

“I know. The Oracles…they tend to talk in riddles, not so great with specifics. That was all I could get out of them.”

Willow sat for a moment, Angel’s arms still around her, thinking. She had the answer? She wondered. Somewhere on a disc, she knew she had the curse, but wasn’t it the same as the original? She couldn’t imagine Jenny modifying it; that might have made it ineffective. Months of studying magick had taught her that spells were not to be trifled with. Changing even the most seemingly innocuous word or element could have dire consequences.

But if the spell was the same, and Angel really had been perfectly happy with her, then how...?

She was getting a headache; she sighed and leaned against Angel. When he kissed her, his intent obvious, she decided to turn her mind off for awhile and enjoy the fact that he wanted her and that they seemed to be safe for the time being. Sex might not be the answer, but it was certainly better than all these questions. They would just have to be quiet about it this time.


Tbc…