Kindness, Love, and Acceptance

Part 7

Spike watched as the young man across from him seemed to draw in upon himself. It was that same kicked-puppy look his Xander had worn time and again. Every time one of those soddin' Scoobies laughed at his ideas, or didn't notice when he was hurtin’. Like he wanted to just fade into the background, 'cause if he wasn't there he wouldn't be hurt.

It also reminded him a lot of himself. Before being turned, he had been terribly shy and it made him a target for bullies. His only crime was being hopelessly in love with being in love. He never hurt anyone, but he had always been hurt. The only one who had never hurt him had been his mother - and look how he had repaid her after his turning.

The demon, being founded on William's personality, was also love's bitch. He strove for his sires’ approval - both of them. With Dru, he was attentive and loving. He gave her everything her blackened little heart desired - it was enough for his princess. Angelus was harder to win over. To win his approval, Spike had become vicious and bloodthirsty, revelling in the power of his new life. He made up for every insult that had ever been thrown at William, making his tormentors beg for their lives before ending them painfully.

He loved Drusilla; she was his dark goddess. But Angelus - Angelus was his God. How he loved and hated that man. He would have done anything, had done everything to please him. He crawled for him. It was never enough. Never enough to garner his love. He hadn't realised that Angelus was incapable of that emotion. Most vampires were. He had always been different.

The kid was a looker, too. Pale skin, blue eyes, thin and strong. If it weren't for Xander, or the soul, this was exactly the type he would have picked up for a little fun. 'Course he'd have eaten him afterwards, or turned him. Still, he could understand Xander's attraction to him. He was one of them, an outcast, a loser, a man with no family to call his own. That and they had a common bond. They all hated Angel.

~!~

Xander drove like the hounds of hell were after him. He was desperate to get home, to see Spike, to make sure Deadboy wasn't waiting to rip him limb from limb. He was still pissed that he hadn't been able to find Connor, but he wasn't going to stay away from Spike any longer than necessary; he was stunned that Spike had let him leave in the first place. He had expected growly shows of possessiveness, an argument, and possibly some kind of sex before being allowed to leave, and even then he had expected the vampire to insist on coming with him.

It was all still strange to him, that he was in love with Spike, that Spike was in love with him, that only two days ago they had finally consummated their relationship by making love. Of course, he had left as soon as Spike had fallen asleep, had driven to L.A. with the intention of staking Angel out to meet the sunrise.

Common sense and a lot of whiskey had changed his mind. He knew there was no way in hell he could ever hope to beat Angel, even one on one, but Angel had friends, employees, who would stick up for him, fight for him, protect him. Xander had no one. Not even his lover, because Spike had whispered Angel's name as they made love.

He still wondered why he had done that; the fact that Spike didn't recall doing it wasn't enough. What if it happened again? Was there still some long-repressed love for Angel in his lover’s heart? Could he cope with that if there were? The simple fact was, Xander was scared. He was scared of not being good enough, not being enough. He had never been "the one" in the past; he'd come close, but never close enough. With Cordy, he thought maybe he was it, then he screwed the whole thing up by kissing Willow. With Anya, he knew he wasn't the one, he was just the only one. That was why he left her; sooner or later she'd wonder what she was missing out on, only having been with him since being made human. The fact that she had slept with Spike, and then tried to get a repeat performance after he was souled was proof of that.

He wanted to be the one for Spike. He was pretty sure Spike was it for him. He honestly loved him, enough that even though his heart was torn in two, he went back to him to forgive him for what Spike had said, to beg forgiveness for what he'd done. Oh how he wished he could take that day back, do it over again.

Xander closed his eyes briefly and saw Connor's face. He saw the widening of blue eyes filled with wonder, the tiny smile after the first time they had kissed. No, he wouldn't take that back, he wanted to keep that memory. If he were totally honest with himself, he felt sorry for Connor. Being raised the way he was, having a vampire - Deadboy - for a father, and losing the only girl he loved to his dad. It sucked.

Connor reminded him of himself; he was so sure that he was going to be hurt, he just accepted it as a part os lis life. Before Spike, Xander had been the same way, hell he was still that way, although he was getting better. At least he had been before the "Angel" incident. Now all his fears and insecurities were bubbling to the surface again. He wished he knew for sure that Spiken'tn't want anyone else, that he only wanted Xander. It was a bit hypocritical of him to want that though, considering that for all his good intentions, a part of him still wanted Connor.

The "Welcome to Sunnydale" sign loomed up ahead and Xander pulled the car over to the side of the road and rested his forehead against the steering wheel. He had no idea what he was going to do when he got home. He hadn't resolved anything. He still was unsure about where he stood with Spike; he hadn't been able to find Connor to apologise, and he felt like shit for wanting the boy. He knew he loved Spike, there was no doubt in his mind at all, but if that were the case why was he still thinking about the look on the boy’s face when he fell out of bed that morning? Why did he want to find him, to explain things, to make it better?

Spike said it was because he was a decent man; he doubted that. A decent man wouldn't have run off on his lover to go find someone he had been unfaithful with only hours before. A decent man would not be wondering how it would feel to have them both in his bed. Two pale bodies both so similar yet different. Two sets of blue eyes staring up at him with lust and excitement. A decent man wouldn't be wondering how it would feel to have one of them inside him while he was inside the other. No, a decent man would be home, making things up to the man he loved. Xander was not a decent man. He was a Harris. Like father, like son.

~!~

Connor looked around the living room of Xander and Spike's apartment. It felt odd to be in the man's home, sitting and having refreshments and conversation with his demon lover. He knew that his presence had to be bothering the other man; he was sure that if the tables were turned he wouldn't have been this civil.

"Are all vampires capable of love?" This was a question Connor had wanted to know for some time.

"No. Some, but not all. You asking about Angel or Angelus? 'Cause Angelus wouldn't know love if it fell out of the sky, landed on his face and wiggled. Angel though, he can love; loved the slayer, anyway. Why do you want to know?"

"Actually, I was wondering about my mother. My father told me she loved me, that she gave her life to save me. But from the things I've overheard, she was worse than Angelus when it came to cruelty, that she had taught him to be the way he is."

"Darla eh? Well that's a bit of a pickle, innit? The Darla I knew was a right bitch, she didn't love anyone but herself. She was obsessed with Angelus though, that's the closest thing to a positive emotion I ever saw from her. But women are bloody strange creatures, s'why I decided to give up on the lot of ‘em and settle down with a bloke. Pregnant women are a mystery; seems to me that even animals love their offspring, so I don't doubt that she loved you. Otherwise she would be here and you wouldn't."

Connor thoughout out that for a minute. This was the first time someone had talked about his mother without painting the truth with flowery images. Spike was honest about the way he saw Darla, that she was a selfish, unloving demon, but she had obviously cared about him enough to die for him. "If she hadn't had to die for me to live, what do you think would have happened to me?"

Spike raised his eyebrow and really looked at the kid, He debated on lying to him, making up a nice little story for him, then he decided to tell him the truth; no point in lying now. "Truth?" At Connor's nod, he continued, "She'd have eaten you."

Connor nodded his head. "I thought so. Thank you for being honest, everyone tends to sugar coat things. They don't understand that it's unnecessary. I grew up in Quortoth; I don't need to be coddled. I've survived things they couldn't imagine."

Spike watched as the boy’s eyes glassed over. He shuddered to think of the things he had been through; a human, even one with enhanced strength being raised in a hell dimension? It was unheard of. "Tell me about it?"

~!~