Sins Series

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Title: Sloth (2/2)
Authored by: Tisienne
Series: Sins (#6)
Rating: NC-17 for… the usual. LOL
Disclaimer: I am still not Joss Whedon. I still own no characters from B:tVS or A:tS. No money made.
Summary: A conversation… among other things. Emotional baggage is opened, but will it be claimed or simply go around and around forever?
P.O.V.: Still Xander.
Notes: And here’s part 2. Lots of speaking in this bit. Hope nobody minds, it’s just how it wanted to come out.

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Part 2
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He gets me a beer and settles down beside me again, one hand on my leg as we lean against the kitchen wall while the other holds on to an almost full bottle of Jack Daniels, and… he doesn’t look at me. He just waits for me to start.

I can’t help the bitterness in my voice any more than I can keep my hand from shaking as I lift the bottle of Heineken to my lips and take a swallow.

“You want to know about Wave and Shayna?” I ask bluntly, “Fine. Wave—Watcher. Shayna—Slayer. I loved them.” And that’s true, even if I loved them in very different ways. “And I killed them.” Also true.

He lets the silence go on for a few minutes, then he growls. “Already knew that, luv,” he says, and it pisses me off no end.

How dare he call me that now? How dare he pretend that he’s not leaving as soon as he gets the story out of me? How dare he…

And then I remember.

He’s Spike. He dares. It’s kinda his thing.

“Fine,” I snarl, my eye tracking the room for something other than the blond beside me to focus on and finding a medium-sized cockroach near the baseboard on the wall. I watch it, even as I speak.

“I went to Africa after what happened in Sunnydale, but I’m guessing you know that since you’ve obviously been talking to your friends. Or… oh, wait. He probably told you when he was in L.A., right? Because you two were always so close.” Yeah, sarcasm there. Spike and Andrew were never friends, but then again, apparently Andrew and I weren’t, either, and… Fuck, who cares, right?

I hear one swift, indrawn breath, as though he’s about to say something, but I don’t care. He asked, he dared… and it’s my turn to talk.

“I found Shayna in the Sudan but she was actually from South Africa. She was almost eighteen. Old for a new Slayer. She was on holiday with her parents, and I guess I should have known there was something wrong when I finally told them about their daughter being a Slayer and the Watcher’s Council needing her, and they… looked relieved. Hell, they signed the papers like five seconds after they knew the Council wanted to take responsibility for her. They didn’t even care that she’d be all alone with some strange one-eyed guy who was taking her to Kenya. Seventeen years old and her parents couldn’t wait to get rid of her and I should have known something was wrong because they were good people, Spike!”

“Pet,” Spike starts to say but I shake my head. He wasn’t there. He can’t understand.

“My turn. Because you told me to!” And that shuts him up.

“So, Shayna. Beautiful. Blonde. Wide blue eyes. Privileged from birth. Because, white family, South Africa…? No matter what they say about equality, Shayna’d had it good. Too good, I guess. Too much time on her hands, too many whims catered to, too much certainty that the world existed to please her. And somewhere along the way, she got… well, not time for that yet.”

I watch the roach crawl a few inches while I order my thoughts. Spike wants to know. Fine. I’ll give him the good, the bad, and the uglier-than-fugly. Might as well, right? He’ll never know what it’s cost me. Not really.

“I really should have known something was wrong when the questionnaire she filled out for the Council came back twice. Usually Gi… I mean, the Watchers… matched a new Slayer with a Watcher on the first try. But not Shayna. I sent the paperwork in three times before they finally got a match. But she was so good at playing me. Had the whole ‘spoiled but not a brat’ rich girl thing going on… and she was so much fun just to talk to. To hang out with. She had me totally fooled.”

I can’t help sighing as Spike’s hand clenches slightly on my thigh. God, I want to believe that he doesn’t hate me, but… even if he doesn’t now, he will by the time I’m through.

Meanwhile, I’m starting to wonder if roaches have ballroom dancing because the one on the wall is doing something that looks a lot like the man’s part of the waltz. And I’d know, since I learned that one for my wedding. But better not to think about that now.

“That was when I met Wave,” I finally say, and my heart feels like it’s about to just… stop. I thought I loved him. I did. But… why did I trust myself? Why did I love him or… why did I think I did? Because I would have done anything, been anyone, to have someone care as much about me as themselves? Stupid, stupid Xander. Still, I guess it doesn’t matter why.

“The Council sent him. Duh. Why else would he have been there, right?”

And yeah, I feel like an idiot for being Mister States-the-obvious.

I can’t even glance at Spike from the corner of my eye. I can’t stand to do it. Not when I know he must be rolling his eyes at the slow pace.

So I try to hurry only to have him squeeze my leg harder.

“Take your time, pet,” he says, his voice so soft that I barely make out the words.

Oh, okay… he wants the version with the most possible pain for me. I can do that. I should do that. I was stupid and it made me a monster. I made myself a monster. And I should have to relive it as often as possible. It’s only fair, right?

So.

“Wave—Waverly Fontaine—was new to the Council. He’d only been training for six months when he was matched up with my latest ‘discovery’. And maybe that was why Shayna’s forms came back so many times before Wave was sent. He’d was still in training when the first two went in.”

There’s so much I want to tell him, but I also don’t want to. Fucking souled vampire. He’d never understand anyway.

“Usually when a Watcher showed up for a new Slayer, I’d move on. That’s how it worked, y’know? But this time, I guess because Wave was so new, Gi… the Council asked me to stick around for a while. Just to make sure things were okay.”

“So I did. I stuck around. It was a nice change from wandering. Nice to have a place to call my own, even if it was worse than the ‘basement of doom’. Hell, it was nice to just… unpack my backpack for once.”

The roaches in New York definitely take dance classes because the one I’m watching is suddenly cha-cha-cha-ing.

I almost look at Spike, but… no. I close my eye instead and just… remember.

“Wave wasn’t tall. He was a good inch or two shorter than me. But he was… God, I don’t know how to explain how beautiful he was. Not as blond as Shayna, but it would be hard to be without chemicals, y’know…? And he had the most amazing eyes. Green on blue. They actually shimmered in moonlight, and in the sun? God, in sunlight they were… smoky aqua, even if that does make me sound like a big girly man. Amazing.”

“He told me he was an accountant in his family’s business before he became a Watcher, but I never really believed him. He was… compact, but lithely muscled. Like a cat, almost. And after we’d spent a few weeks hanging out—me, Wave and Shayna—it was… almost easy to take him back to my room. Easy to kiss him and touch his… him.”

I can’t stop a small shiver at the memory.

“God. I didn’t know what I was doing, really. Always thought I was into girls, especially with the way I’d reacted to Shayna at first but she… well, let’s just say she made it real clear that she wasn’t interested in me. But Wave… that first night… Christ! He was so tight that night. Tighter than anything I’d ever felt. Then again, I’d only ever slept with Faith and Anya. That counted, anyway. And Wave…”

“Don’t care ta hear all your bloody encounters with th’ soddin’ git,” Spike finally says, snarling, and I guess he’s getting bored because as much as it sounds like he’s jealous, I know that can’t be it.

“So we had sex. A lot.” I tell him, still watching the bug that’s dancing its way up the wall. “I thought… Christ, this is so sad, but… I thought I was in love with him. I thought he was in love with me! I thought… we belonged together, y’know? But after another month or so, I…”

I feel the frown creasing my forehead and try to relax. I might not have talked about this since… just after… but that doesn’t mean I have to show Spike of all people just how much it hurts, although… it hurts less to tell him than I thought it would. Huh. Must be because I already know he’s done with me. I… didn’t know the last time I told anyone.

“I noticed that Wave and Shayna were disappearing every week or so. Noticed that they were lying to me about where they were going. Only because Wave told me one night that they’d be somewhere and I ended up near there by accident…”

I hear the disbelieving snort as the long, pale fingers on my leg twitch.

“Fine. I was bored. Lonely. Figured I’d go hang, okay?”

Spike chuckles and flexes his fingers again and I’m still not looking at him.

“The point is, they weren’t there. They’d never even been there according to the guy who ran the place. So I got… suspicious.”

“What could a seventeen—no, she was eighteen by then—year old girl and a twenty three year old Watcher be doing that would have them lying to me? I was Shayna’s friend and Wave’s lover, so… it was a mystery. Or it was until I saw them coming out of the trees one night.”

“They were laughing and holding hands, and… they’d been getting closer and closer, even while they’d been pushing me away so carefully that I never even noticed until then.”

I swallow hard and take another sip of my beer before I get up and move away from Spike. I don’t want him touching me now, don’t want to have to feel his hand tense against my leg-- or pull away-- when I tell him the rest.

So I drain the bottle and set it on the counter before grabbing another Heineken from the fridge and popping the cap off.

I sit down slowly, but that’s okay. My ass still hurts and besides… I feel like I could break any second now, even though I’m surprised I haven’t done it already.

“I got really good at pretending in Sunnydale, y’know? Pretending I wasn’t afraid, pretending I really believed I wasn’t gonna die from whatever random demon was running around that week… pretending I was strong, that I mattered to my ‘friends’.”

I hear Spike’s snort and I almost echo it, but… I guess he always saw through me, so there’s no point in agreeing with him, is there? I was more blind with two eyes than I am now.

“Yeah,” I go on, fingers peeling the label from the bottle just to be going something, “I could pretend with the best of them, couldn’t I? Or as well as anyone under a hundred years old, anyway. So when I saw them like that, holding hands and laughing and looking so fucking… pleased with themselves, I… pretended.”

“It wasn’t hard, either. I just acted like I’d never seen them, like I had no idea they’d been lying to me. And I watched them. Every minute I could, I watched them. Hell, I even tried to follow them when they slipped off together, but they always lost me. Until the last time.”

“And meanwhile…” I sigh.

The label is just so much shredded paper now, littering the top of the small table, and I find my eye moving to the wall again, looking for my good buddy the dancing roach. Guess he made his escape while I was distracted, though, because he’s not there now. So much for my new friend. Of course, this being New York, I’m sure another one will be along any second now. Until then, I’ll have to make do with tracing the tiny crack in the ceiling.

I guess I’ve been quiet too long because Spike’s making that curious sound deep in his throat and it always makes me… used to make me smile. It doesn’t now. Not when I know he just wants to enjoy my misery and probably congratulate himself for finally coming to his senses.

Fine. On with the pain.

“Meanwhile,” I finally say, taking a sip of my beer, “They kept disappearing and I kept acting like there was nothing wrong, even when Wave was fucking me and telling me he… loved me… and all that time I was so suspicious, so hurt. I knew what they were up to. Didn’t take a genius to figure it out, right? I couldn’t even blame them for wanting each other. Not really. I mean, they were both so beautiful, so… so not me, y’know? Hell, I’m surprised it took Wave that long to start fucking around on me.”

I ignore the growl I hear because it doesn’t make any sense. I know Spike’s growls by now and that’s his ‘angry’ one—as opposed to his ‘oh, you’re funny and I’m gonna spank you’ growl, or even his ‘go on, kill the bastard, Xan’ growl, among others, and… I know he’s not angry. Unless he wishes I was suffering even more right now.

Yeah, that’s probably it. I told Spike I love him and now he hates me, and that’s fine. It’s not like I planned to say it, and… God knows there’s nothing in me, in my soul, that deserves anything but hatred; especially from someone as good as Spike is these days. He’ll be better once he’s gone, and… I’ll just… I don’t know. Maybe die like I was trying to do when he found me. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll just go on like this. Empty except for the monster inside.

“That didn’t stop me from being jealous, though,” I nearly whisper it, my mouth dry as I reach across the two feet or so to the refrigerator and grab another beer. “Hell, even with knowing there was no way I was as pretty as Shayna, I was so jealous I thought I’d explode, even if I pretended I wasn’t, and it got worse when their little ‘training sessions’ got more and more frequent. At… in the end, there, they were ‘training’ every night.”

“I… fuck, it took me over a month to finally manage to follow them without losing them right away. Even then, it took me an hour of searching to figure out where they’d gone… and when I did, I found it.”

“It was kind of a shack, off in the middle of nowhere. Hidden off in the trees against a fucking huge pile of rocks.”

Another sip of beer and I manage to find my voice again.

“So I slipped up, put my ear to the wall… and I…” I swallow hard, then pour half of the new beer down my throat. “I heard them. And they sounded so… happy.”

It still makes me nauseous to remember this part, but I don’t close my eye. If I close my eye, I’ll have to actually see it again and I do that more than enough in my nightmares.

I don’t want to see them naked right now… I don’t want to see the wicked pleasure on their faces, the enjoyment that was so obvious in the split second before they realized the door hadn’t blown open from the wind but because I was there. And I don’t want to see the rest of it…

God, please… please let me just get through this without crying.

Then again, if I do cry, maybe… maybe he’ll just leave and I won’t have to do this anymore… won’t have to tell him what… what I did…

God, please… I’ve changed my mind. I don’t care if I cry or not. Just let this be over. Just let it be fucking over!

“An’ ya killed them, didn’t ya, pet? That’s when ya did it.”

I hear his voice but I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to have to try holding it all in when he sounds so… so here, so much like he actually cares, and I know he doesn’t because how could he but he…

“It was easy,” I finally say, and I can hear the moan in my own voice but I don’t care.

He wants my pain, wants my suffering, and fuck it, I’m gonna let him have it.

“It was easy,” I say again, the first of the tears slipping down my cheek. “I… I shoved the door open and it wasn’t even locked. They thought they were so special, that no one would ever find them, no one would ever know… and even if someone did catch them, they had connections, right? They’d get out of whatever trouble they might get into just because of who they were…”

I try to find the crack on the ceiling again but my eye is too blurry, too wet. I don’t want to do this, but… I can’t stop now. Somehow I can feel Spike’s eyes on me and I can’t stop, even if the full story finishes driving him away. But maybe I’ll get lucky. Maybe he’ll be so disgusted that he’ll kill me himself before he leaves, and… that would be fair.

God, I hope he kills me… I don’t want to live like this. Not alone. It’s too… hard.

“They were surprised to see me,” I tell him, the tears sliding down the side of my face now. “I only saw the joy in their eyes for a second, like I said, and then… so shocked, so scared—the both of them were. They didn’t even reach for the tools on the table, and… and they barely even breathed when I pulled out my knife, and then…”

I’m gasping, shaking, and I can’t seem to stop no matter how much I want to and I don’t know what I’m expecting, but it definitely isn’t Spike’s arms wrapping around me from behind the chair and it isn’t his cheek against my hair or his voice whispering low and intense in my ear and I can’t do this, can’t take this because I’m evil, a monster, and he’s good, so much better than me and I won’t trust that he’s not going and I can’t stand it that he’s touching me and…

“Hush… hush, luv,” he murmurs, and I can’t help the wrenching sobs, but he’s not letting go. “ ‘s alright, Xan… know what ya did, know why ya did it…”

He can’t know. Maybe he thinks he does but he can’t. He wouldn’t be holding me if he knew, and… he thinks I killed Shayna and Wave and he’s right, and… God, they deserved it, but… it’s so much worse than that. It’s what I did after that’s so…

Fuck, I’m filthy with it. How can he not smell it?

But he is holding me, and Jesus fuck, I’m selfish enough that I don’t want to lose the feeling. Not right now, now even knowing he’s gonna leave and that he hates me, or will hate me once I tell him the rest, so I…

I lean back in the chair, pressing my spine as close to him as I can what with the metal bars between us, and… when he pulls me up and kicks the chair away I don’t fight it.

Just a few more minutes of this, of his arms… a few more minutes of comfort and letting myself believe this could end any way other than how I know it will… just a few more minutes and I’ll tell him the rest. And if he doesn’t kill me when he leaves, then at least I’ll have these minutes—these last minutes—to remember when he’s gone.

I’m not gonna move until he makes me. I don’t want to move. I just… want to stay here forever and never finish pushing him away. I want to stop time and just…

Fuck, I’m such a coward.

~End.

(A/N: Thanks to those who reviewed... in this case, delmi, hh007, E & ladyicondraco! Glad you liked the last part; hope you like this one! One more in this series... soon. :))