A Fortune Told

CHAPTER 6

Oh God what had he done! What the hell had come over him? He ran until he could run no more, until his breath came in ragged gasps and his heart felt like it would explode.

Never! He had sworn he would never do anything like that to her, or anyone, ever again. Dropping to his knees he threw up.

Shaking and trembling he climbed to his feet and made his way slowly home; loving, trusting green eyes swimming with tears haunting his every step.

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He did not see her for over a week, didn’t know whether to be pleased or saddened by this. He wanted to talk to her, to try to apologise, to try to explain. But how do you explain something like that, something you can’t even explain to yourself? He was disgusted in himself.

In sleep images of their final nights, before that fatal day in the Hellmouth, came to him. Images of gentle sweet loving, of tender caresses. Other dreams came too, visions of the slayer broken by grief, of holding and comforting her….whispering of forever. When he woke in the mornings his guilt and shame burned ever brighter.

He didn’t understand what had come over him, why he had been so angry at her. Why he has been so hostile to her ever since she showed up here. Ok, so he didn’t love her, it had been a lie…but not her lie! She didn’t do this to him, so why was he so mad at her? He thought about this; about his incredibly hostile reaction to her everytime he saw her. Just because he didn’t love her was no reason for such total hostility towards her, no grounds for the completely unreasonable anger he felt everytime she came anywhere near him!

Something was definitely ‘rotten in the state of Denmark’ if only he could work out what it was and why….he was already pretty damn sure he knew who was responsible!

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He felt her presence before he saw her, once again she was hovering in a darkened doorway waiting for him. Why? How could she want to be anywhere near him? Sighing deeply he moved purposefully towards her.

“Buffy.” His voice was quiet, he caught her eye for a second and then looked away.

“Spike?” Buffy’s head tilted sideways as she looked at the vampire. He was different tonight, the anger that had burned so brightly in him was gone. She stepped hesitantly towards him, reaching a hand up to his face. As she gently touched his cheek her breath caught… SPIKE …. her mind was reeling, he wasn’t yelling or backing away…she was touching him, it felt wonderful!

After a second he gently removed her hand. “Buffy, don’t luv.” His voice was gentle, but determined. “I … we need to talk. Preferably in private, if you could trust me and come up to my apartment I promise I won’t hurt you.”

“I trust you Spike, I’d trust you with my life!” She fought the moisture that tried to gather in her eyes, just as she fought the urge to confess to him again how much she loved him. She didn’t want the walls that were beginning to crumble to come flying back up, so she clamped down hard on the words that sought to come tumbling out.

At her words of trust Spike flinched inwardly, how could she trust him like that after what he did to her? Desperate to lift the dark cloud that threatened to settle over him, he smirked at the slayer, “I think you know the way pet!”

Buffy had the grace to blush at his reference to her stalking and turned with him towards his home.

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Spike’s apartment was spacious. The entrance led directly into the lounge room featuring a comfortable black leather three piece lounge suite with two single seaters and a three seater couch, a polished solid timber coffee table, a beautiful 6ft mahogany bookcase over half filled with books and a plasma screen TV. A large curved window looked out onto a generous balcony. The cream carpet and walls complemented the furniture beautifully.

Buffy took a seat in one of the armchairs, Spike sat on the coffee table facing her. Now she was here, he had no idea how or where to begin, how do you apologise to someone for something like that. His eyes fixated on a spot on the carpet, an ash smudge probably, he really had to take more care when smoking in the apartment. Time seemed to drag by before he looked up, still trying to come up with the right words to say. His eyes caught hers and he swallowed hard past the lump in his throat.

“Buffy, I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am for what I did to you.”

“What you did to me? Spike you didn’t do anything to me!”

“How can you say that! I…..”

“Spike, you didn’t do anything I didn’t let you do! I didn’t try to stop you, I didn’t ask you to stop! If I had, I’m pretty sure you would have! I didn’t expect you to be so rough, or so angry with me, but I didn’t want you to stop!” The tears that had been threatening gathered once more, one escaping to roll slowly down her cheek.

“Buffy…” He got up and started pacing, he never had been able to stay still when something got him worked up, whether it be upset or angry, pacing was the only safe way to burn off the energy building inside of him. “I was angry Buffy, I was furious! That’s the bloody problem. I don’t know why I was so bloody angry at you! I think its got somethin to do with the Powers That bloody well Be!”

“What? Why…..?”

“Yeah, well, that’s what I don’t know luv.”

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He had told her everything, all about comin’ back to Wolfram and Hart, all about working alongside Angel and Co., the final battle in the alley, that soddin’ room with the narcissistic voice. All of it. All of it except the part about his change of diet, him havin’ a heartbeat and bein’ able to go out in the sun…he wasn’t quite ready to share that yet.

“Anyway, like I said, they told me that lovin’ you was somethin they did to me, made me love you so’s I’d go all white hat. Pissed me right off that did, s’not right to mess with people’s feelin’s like that, you love someone it should at least be your own feelin’s not somethin’ manufactured! Thing is, s’not you I should be pissed at, an I have been, which is strange, cause I can’t think why I would blame you. So that’s why I think it has somethin to do with the Powers That Be. What I can’t figure is what they’ve done to me an’ why.” He stopped pacing and looked at her, “I’m not bloody crazy luv, something is wrong here, I know it!”

“I never thought you were crazy Spike. I agree something is going on, because I know it’s a lie! What they have told you is a lie, Spike. I know you loved me, I felt it, I could see it in your eyes…it was real! And they told you it wasn't, and are obviously doing something to make you go all damage bound at the sight of me. I have no idea why, but I believe you are right, and I also believe that we can figure it out. We've proven over and over that there's nothing you and I can’t do…together! ” Buffy looked at him, her green eyes glowing with love.

She was going over, in her mind, the details of what he had told her, while at the same time taking in the view of a once again pacing Spike. God she had missed just being able to watch him, the way he moved, like a panther, predatory and dangerous, he was so unbelievably gorgeous.

Something he had said suddenly set off alarms. “Oh my God! The dreams!” She practically launched herself out of her chair. “Spike, you came back, what….out of the amulet, you said?” At Spikes nod she continued. “And just appeared in Angel’s office eight months ago?” Again he nodded. “Ok, I think maybe you should sit down and listen carefully. I’m not sure if there is a connection, but well, lets just say I stopped believing in coincidences a long time ago!”

Spike sat down again, giving Buffy his full attention. What next? Could things possibly get any more complicated and bizarre? He thought about his life, about Buffy’s life and all the things they had both seen and done; hell yeah, course they could!

Buffy looked Spike in the eye. Oh God she had missed those eyes! ‘Ok Buffy’, she chided herself, ‘so not the time, concentrate!’

“Right, well after you … died, I just didn’t want…. Oh this is so hard Spike, I haven’t told anyone about this!” Taking a deep breath she tried to calm herself.

“It’s ok pet, just take your time.” His voice gently soothed as he reached out and subconsciously stroked the hair back from her face, tucking it behind her ear.

“Ok…I didn’t really want to go on, you know. Not without you, I was so lost, felt so empty. God Spike I missed you so much and it hurt, it hurt more than I knew anything could hurt. I guess I kinda went into a trance thingy, you know like Willow said I did when Dawn was taken. Anyway, you came to me. You held me and you talked to me, you told me you loved me, that you would love me forever, that you would never leave me. And then you made me wake up and eat and get some proper sleep. After that you came to me everytime I fell asleep and it felt so real. I could feel you holding me, I could taste your kisses and…Oh Spike it was the only time I was happy, all I wanted was to be asleep so I could be with you. Then eight months ago you came to me for the last time and told me you had to go away for a while, but it would be alright, that it wasn’t for long.” The tears were streaming down her face and without thought Spike gathered her into his arms, stroking and soothing her as his mind tried to digest the incredible story she had just told him.

He thought of the dreams he had been having lately of holding a grief stricken slayer in his arms, of gentle kisses and whispers of forever. Eight months ago she said, he had stopped coming to her at the same time he had appeared at Wolfram and Hart. Like Buffy, he wasn’t a great believer in coincidences.

Eventually he felt her shuddering lessen as he rocked and soothed her. Breathing deeply he took in the scent of her hair, like sunlight and fresh spring breezes. He had always loved her hair.

Suddenly the weeping slayer in his arms jumped back, pulling away from him as if he had burnt her. Her eyes wide as she stared at him.

“Buffy, what’s wrong luv?”

“I heard… you have…Spike, your heart is beating!”

“Oh, yeah, I guess I kinda overlooked that part of the story di’n’t I?” He looked at her sheepishly.

“What!” Now there was that slayer glare that he knew so well. “You have a heartbeat and you ‘overlooked’ it?” She demanded incredulously.

“Look slayer, I …it’s difficult to understand..”

“What you’re suddenly human and that is difficult to understand, well yeah I guess I can see that it could be but…”

“No, that’s it pet, I’m not human, not quite. And not quite a vampire either. Some cock an’ bull ‘bout it bein’ my reward. I don’t need blood anymore, I have a heartbeat an’ I can go out in the sunlight.” He heard Buffy’s involuntary gasp at that final revelation. “I still have vamp hearing, sight and smell, in fact, if anything my senses are stronger than ever! I still have vampire strength and speed, again I think a little more so than before. Oh an’ they said I will age, but slower than humans…so like I said, not human…don’t rightly know what I am!”

Standing up, he moved to pace again, only to be brought up short. “Spike, please, can we talk?”

“Thought that was what we’ve been doin’ luv.” Spike looked at her, his head tilted slightly, scarred eyebrow raised in query.

“No, I meant...I meant about us, can we talk about us Spike? I, still love you baby, I always will!” Her voice was quiet and hesitant, she did not want to loose the easy camaraderie that was building back up between them but she was desperate to know where they stood. If any of what they had discussed made any difference to his feelings. When he had held her, comforted her gently it had felt wonderful, to be back in Spike’s arms was like heaven, no...it was better than heaven. She was sure she had felt something familiar, her Spike as he mumbled soft soothing words, stroked her hair and her back and rocked her gently in his strong, safe arms.

Spikes face clouded as he sat again in front of her. Taking her hands gently in his he looked into her hopeful face, her eyes were bright with unshed tears a small uncertain smile graced her face. He sighed deeply, he had hurt her a lot over the last month or two, and he didn’t want to have to do so again, but he couldn’t lie to her. Releasing her hands he spoke quietly.

“Buffy luv, there is no ‘us’ pet. I don’t know why, I don’t know what’s happenin’ here, but I do know that at this moment, I don’t feel that way about you. I’m sorry slayer, wish I could make everythin’ right for you but I just don’t love you, an I’m not gonna pretend I do. But I do want us to be friends again, they way I’ve been since you found me, the anger…I don’t want to do that any more.”

He watched as her smile faded, she was being so brave, she always had been so brave, his slayer. She was fighting with everything she had not to cry again, and he knew not to touch her, despite every instinct that was screaming at him to hold her and take her pain away, knew if he did she would loose the battle she was currently waging.

Eventually she nodded, drawing a ragged breath she rose. “I should get home. I’ll come by tomorrow? Maybe we can patrol, or try to work out what the Powers That Be are doing to us and why.” She couldn’t get out of there quick enough, she had already broken down completely in front of him once tonight and didn’t want to do so again, but she could feel the tears threatening, feel her control slipping.

“Right pet, whatever you want. Why don’t you come by mid mornin’ if you’re not busy, we can go for a walk and talk some more, maybe go have lunch or somethin’” He felt so bad for hurting her, but what could he do, he wasn’t gonna tell the girl he loved her when he didn’t! He could however make up for the way he had treated her this last couple of months and in all honesty he had enjoyed her company tonight, they had always been good at the friendship part, even when they didn’t care to admit it!