Mangled Spells and Manly Bits

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Xander hung her dresses by their hems on the line. Yes, she had a dryer in the basement, but she liked being outside in the late afternoon sun, and Spike had shown her his secret lair in the basement, so she really didn’t want to wake him. This close to sundown he’d wake easily, and the sound of the dryer thumping under a load of laundry would do it. Not that Xander minded waking Spike. Spike usually woke up horny as hell, and she was quickly learning to enjoy his lustiness.

Often, he seduced her with soft kisses, but when she would wrap her legs around him and bite his neck, he’d respond with a good ravishing, and all she had to do was look toward the spare bedroom, and Spike would happily submit, allowing himself to be chained while she played in any number of ways that it embarrassed her to even think about, yet in that room all modesty was exiled to some far corner of her mind. Yep, awake Spike was a good thing, and she was now trying to remember why she didn’t want to wake him.

A car rumbled up the road, and Xander ignored it, one or two cars a day passed on their remote road, so she continued to hang dresses feeling very French as she stood behind her chateau with her laundry basket of French dresses. Who knows, maybe she’d even learn French. She didn’t notice that the car had pulled up their drive until she heard a car door slam and a voice call in French.

“M'excuser, pouvoir je parle avec vous un moment, s'il vous plait,” stumbled an awkward voice that sounded strangely familiar. Xander looked around the edge of her hanging clothes, and sure enough Giles, Buffy and Willow stood next to the car. She smiled as she took a step forward, but their blank expressions reminded her that things had changed, changed more than the three of them might realize. She froze, but then Willow’s face brightened, and she ran forward so that Xander found herself being crushed by Willow huggage.

“Xander!” Willow sang, and over Willow’s shoulder, she could see Buffy’s eyes go wide, and Giles snatch the glasses off his face to start polishing them as he suddenly examined the ground.

“Oh thank goddess, we looked everywhere and finally Giles did this location spell, and he promised to show me how to do one, but he’s still a little angry about the whole turning you into a girl, and you aren’t still angry about that, are you?” Willow said as she let go and took a step back even as she curled up her nose in embarrassment.

“No problem, been emasculated any number of times, so we’ll just put it in that column,” Xander replied, and now Buffy stepped up.

“Look at you,” Buffy said with a small tug to the newly hung laundry. “Have to admit, thought we’d find you hanging in a basement somewhere.” Xander could hear the confusion, the suspicion in her voice, but Xander really didn’t have words to ease her suspicions since she really did have quite a bit of freedom, certainly enough to go get a stake off one of the apple trees and stop Spike, but she hadn’t chosen to do that. She wouldn’t choose to do that.

Giles stepped up next, and he put up a hand as if to pat Xander on the shoulder when an angry voice from the shadows of the house made his hand freeze.

“Touche la et tu crêves,” Spike snarled. “Ya need a translation on that?”

“No, that’s quite all right. I understand French quite well even if I am a little rusty speaking it.” Giles pulled his hand back and began polishing his glasses until Xander wondered if it was possible to actually erode glass away with excessive polishing. Buffy for her part took the predictable route and stepped between Spike and the group, despite the fact that the sunlight was an impenetrable barrier for the vampire.

“Buffy,” Xander began as she stepped forward, and then words failed her. She stepped forward so that she stood between Spike and Buffy. “Buffy things have happened that I probably need to explain before you start dusting—in the vamp dusting sense that is since I’m not really great with housework and I really could use help with the dusting dusting part of it.”

“Xander, we are well aware of your feelings, and the spell’s affect on your feelings. The spell book Willow so unwisely chose to use mislabeled several significant spells, including the one she cast. Her spell had certain side-effects.” Spike started to growl, and Xander rushed in to defend the vampire and her feelings for him.

“This isn’t about the spell. I didn’t wake up from that spell and go ‘poof’ I’m in love with Spike,” Xander pointed out as she backed up toward the house and Spike. Buffy moved forward, but Giles put out a hand to stop her. Willow just looked guilty.

“No, ya woke up mouthy and bitchy.” Spike said as he stood with his arms crossed glaring at Buffy. For a moment, Xander was surprised, but then she recognized the “Big Bad” persona that Spike had always put on in front of the gang, the persona that she herself had thought *was* Spike until she had gotten to know him better.

“And that would be different from now…how?” Xander asked with a crooked smile, happy to play his game.

“Isn’t really,” Spike shrugged. “You’re just lucky I fancy mouthy and bitchy.”

“Okay, is anyone else really getting weirded out by this? Cause, me? I’m thinking stake the vampire and work the rest out later.” Buffy complained as she stepped forward despite Giles’ restraining hand. Spike growled; Xander backed up farther.

“Really, Buffy. We have discussed this.” Giles turned to Spike now. “We really do need to discuss the repercussions of this spell, to which you yourself have been subjected. If you agree to,” Giles took a large breath, “guarantee safe passage, we agree to leave without a fight at the end of our conversation.”

Spike glared out at the group with narrowed eyes, and Xander could feel the ‘no’ coming so she whispered, barely loud enough for Spike, but certainly soft enough that no one else could hear.

“Please, Spike.” Xander watched Spike take her request into consideration, and even though he was nearly game-faced in his annoyance, he stepped back into the house to allow the group to enter. Spike had disappeared, but Xander led the group into the front room and the vampire stood there leaning against the stone and smoking. He hadn’t smoked much lately, but it was a better use for his hands than choking Buffy so Xander didn’t comment.

The group settled in, clustering on one couch while Xander settled on the settee.

“The spell is an ancient ritual for binding two people in a love spell as part of a Celtic treaty ritual,” Giles explained. “And while the gender change is a surprise, the spell itself is really quite easy to reverse—”

“Oi, never said ya could undo the spell.” Spike turned to face the group, and Xander could see the hints of gold in his eyes.

“And I never said you had a choice. If I didn’t need to save Xander, I’d stake you right here and now.” Buffy quickly stood.

“Hey! For once, not in need of rescue here. Well, not unless you mean fashion rescue, ‘cause Spike’s sense of fashion seems to be stuck in the 19th century.” Xander gestured at the deep blue dress with a velvet bodice that Spike had picked that morning.

“Really? I think it’s nice. Not really something I’d wear to do laundry, but the color’s good and the hair, with that French braid, and hey, you have a French braid in France.” Yep, count on Willow to stop a fight by shocking everyone into silence with completely pointless babbling. Xander was beginning to suspect that she did it on purpose.

“Yes, fascinating as that may be, we do need to…”

“No spells. Had enough of the bloody mojo ta last a lifetime.”

“Spike,” Xander started.

“No.” Spike cut her off before she could finish, and she could see the tension in the way Spike tilted his head and bounced on the balls of his feet.

“Spike, let’s talk a minute.” Xander pulled Spike out of the room, the shocked faces of his friends watching as she dragged the cursing vampire to the kitchen with assurances that they’d be right back.


“Bloody. No.” was his response the minute they reached the privacy of the kitchen.

“Spike, what if Giles is right? What if this is just the spell?” Spike fell silent at that, and started rummaging around in kitchen drawers for a cigarette.

“Do you want this if it isn’t real?” Xander asked, unsure what answer she wanted from the vampire.

“Want this however I can get it,” Spike finally admitted as he lit a cigarette and leaned against the counter so that he faced away.

“I want this too, but I want to know that you really want me. I don’t want to go through life thinking that I’m not good enough and you only like me because Willow’s spell made you,” Xander could feel the tears start, and before she knew it, Spike had flicked the cigarette into the sink and wrapped his arms around her. Realizing that this might be the last time to feel this safe and this loved, she melted into the embrace and shut her eyes against the pain and tears that threatened to spill out.

“You’re good ‘nough. You were before the spell and ya are now.”

“You used to call me the moron,” Xander whispered, the memory cutting like a knife because now she realized that even if the spell hadn’t made her love Spike, it probably had forced Spike to care for her. She couldn’t come up with a better explanation for why the vampire had been so nice, for why the vampire had allowed her to do the things she’d done.

“Never meant it. It’s what hurt ya the most, so I said it.”

“Exactly. You never cared about me before this.” Xander took a deep breath. “I know why I love you with your big bad attitude that hides this sensitive person who reads me poetry and trusts me. I love how strong you are but you never use that strength against me; you make me feel…” Xander lost the words and could only cry.

“Shh, pet. I’m love’s bitch, I am. Always have been. Gave you my heart, and you’ll have it ‘til the day you throw me out.”

“No, you didn’t give me your heart. Willow gave it away for you, and I can’t live with knowing that.”

“You want to do the spell,” Spike said quietly.

“I won’t let them stake you after, not that they could what with the whole master vampire thing you have going,” Xander clung to Spike, knowing that when the spell ended she’d never again get to feel his arms, well not unless he was draining her to get back at Willow for the humiliation of being forced to love a human. The way she felt right now, she wouldn’t even argue if he did want to kill her.

“Right, then let’s get this done,” Spike pushed her away so suddenly that Xander had to grab at the counter to keep from falling. She looked up and Spike’s face had become stone: unemotional, unmoving, and unreadable.

Xander reached out to touch him one last time while she still could, but Spike turned his back and walked out the kitchen door. Xander wiped the back of her hand over her eyes and took a deep breath before joing the rest of them in the sitting room.

The three Scoobies sat on one of the couches; Spike leaned against the fireplace, and three pairs of eyes moved as though watching a tennis match—Spike to her to Spike to her.

“One condition,” Xander said as she came into the room and sat on the settee. She closed her eyes at the reminder of the night of passion that had started on this piece of furniture. At least she had the memories; they’d have to carry her through a life without Spike. “If this works, Spike gets safe passage out.”

“Oh please, I gave him that deal once, and he didn’t keep his word very well. Besides, once you have your…um…yeah…once you get *that* back, you’ll want Spike dust more than all of us,” Buffy said dismissively.

“Maybe,” Xander conceded just to avoid fighting, and she could see Spike flinch with just the twitch of a muscle. “But he’s earned it.”

“Yeah, by kidnapping you?” Buffy demanded incredulously.

“No, by having Willow put this spell on him and by taking care of me. If you don’t agree, I won’t be part of a counter spell.” Xander crossed her arms and prepared to wait them out on this point.

“Well yes, if that’s your condition, I’m sure we can all live with that, especially since Spike is unlikely to return to Sunnydale after his infatuation with a human becomes known in the demonic community,” Giles agreed with a meaningful stare at Buffy who huffed and rolled her eyes. Spike simply snorted, but Xander could translate that noise into ‘as if I soddin’ care about those wankers.’ Xander gave a small smile and just hoped that once Spike hated her again that she could find someone who made her half as happy.

Xander nodded, and Willow began to pull ingredients out of a backpack. Giles started a small fire where he busied himself with boiling water from a sealed bottle, and Buffy just glared. For his part, Xander thought about what his life was about to become. He’d go back to being the weak member of the group and having his manhood constantly undermined, which now that he thought about it was actually worse than just having his manhood magically removed. Cordy was probably waiting for him back home, unwilling to miss cheerleading practice just to retrieve him, and boy that really said a lot about their relationship.

He’d missed a couple of weeks of school, so he could pretty well count on that sucking, and his parents...well, actually he didn’t know what he’d find with his parents. They rarely ever noticed him except to blame his low grades and general worthlessness on each other’s genes. He’d never hated his own life quite so much, but Willow continued to stir and Giles continued to heat, and Buffy continued to glare, and Xander sat there and let them take away her future, but she knew she had to do it. Forcing Spike to love her was like putting the vampire on a leash, which was far less fun than restraints. Oh, naughty thoughts. She wouldn’t leash him, so even if it meant giving Spike up, she’d cut the leash.

She looked at Spike’s stiff back, and she remembered what it felt like to have that strong body under her, yielding to her, trusting her. She now knew it was the spell, but she couldn’t help feeling the heat of those memories. Spike must have smelled her because he turned to look at her with a puzzled expression.

“Can smell the apple trees from here,” Xander shrugged, and Spike suddenly laughed.

“Goin’ ta get my axe yet,” Spike answered while the other three looked on with confused expressions.

“I’ll stake you before you get half way across the room,” Buffy threatened with narrowed eyes, and Xander exchanged a confused look with Spike before she realized that Buffy had misinterpreted Spike’s comment as a threat.

“Oh yeah, protect all the apple trees of the world from the mighty axe wielding master vampire,” Xander giggled, and Spike gave her his best smile, the one without a hint of lust or leer or jeer in it.

“What?” Buffy asked, clearly confused, which seemed to be the emotion of the day.

“Nothin’ for you ta worry about, slayer. Joke my girl and I share.”

“And we’re back to wiggins-land. Xander is not your girl, I mean, she’s not a—he’s not a girl at all!” Buffy protested.

“Don’t know ‘bout *that*,” Spike insisted with a predatory leer. Xander blushed.

“Not to interrupt this disturbingly enlightening conversation,” Giles interrupted, “but the potion is ready. Spike, Xander, you need to be near the potion and touching when the incantation is read.” Spike took a step forward and offered his hand as though he were a gentleman offering to help her from a carriage. Xander took his hand and moved to the end of the coffee table where Willow had set up the ingredients and Giles prepared to pour the boiling water. Spike slipped an arm around her waist, and Xander allowed herself to lean into him one last time.

“I would ask that everyone refrain from killing once the counter spell has been cast,” Giles said with a warning look to each member of the assembled group. “Since you cast the original spell, you’ll need to read the incantation,” he said to Willow as he put a piece of paper down on the coffee table. Willow began chanting, and after a couple of seconds, Giles began to add the boiling water, causing the potion to steam and hiss. With a flash of light, the counter spell exploded, and Xander found herself crumpled on the floor behind the settee.

“Oi, bloody hell witch, don’t you know any mojo that doesn’t involve explosions?”

“That actually was supposed to happen,” Willow’s voice answered, slightly apologetic.

“Xander, you okay, pet?” Spike called, and Xander could hear Buffy start to swear.

“Damn it, you said this would put everything right again, and Spike calling Xander ‘pet’ does not qualify as right unless you’re in some bizzaro hell dimension.”

“I’m fine Buffy, really, thanks for asking.” Xander stood and watched as the room fell silent, turning to stare.

“Okay, this seems familiar. All I need is Willow offering cookies and Spike showing me a mirror.”

“Cookies, I can do cookies. I’m totally *going* to do cookies, a lot of cookies,” Willow promised with her best totally freaked out expression. Xander looked over and Spike had taken a round mirror off the wall and walked forward, holding it out like a shield. Xander looked in the mirror and froze. Long dark hair pulled back with a few strands escaping the French braid Spike had made, big brown doe eyes in a familiar female face, and small lips still colored with red.

“Okay, I’m guessing the counter spell didn’t work,” Xander said as she gazed at herself.

“I’d never even considered, well, not that I had any reason to,” Giles took off his glasses and started cleaning them furiously.

“G-man?” Xander asked.

“Wot? Ya got ahold of some old stint root again?”

“Well, no. I was very careful with the ingredients; this is a very complex spell, one that a novice never should have attempted,” Giles said dryly. Willow ducked her head.

“Can I stake the vampire or not?” Buffy asked from the other side of the room, and Spike turned to snarl at her. Xander just shook her head and put a hand on Spike’s forearm.

“No eating my friends,” she quietly ordered, and Spike gave Buffy one last snarl before returning his attention to Giles.

“So, Watcher, what ya bollocks up this time?”

“The spell can’t be reversed unless at least one of the parties involved *wants* to leave the relationship. The original spell was a love compatibility spell intended to test the potential strength of a possible union. Rival Celtic chiefs would allow their children to undergo the spell, and if the couple wasn’t compatible or if one of them wanted out of the relationship, the spell could be easily broken.” Giles explained while still cleaning his glasses. “This is really quite unexpected.”

“So the spell can’t be broken unless we want to break up?” Xander asked.

“Precisely.”

Xander looked over at Spike and thought of the possibilities: staying in France, going home and helping protect Sunnydale with Spike by her side, making a life without her parents, seeing the world, just having someone who completely and totally trusted her. She looked into Spike’s smug expression that clearly screamed ‘I’m one irresistible bastard,’ and Xander found herself silently agreeing with a smile.

“I can live with girly bits,” she said with a shrug, and then she found her mouth occupied with Spike kissage. In the background her friends made various noises, but she’d deal with them later. Right now, she wanted to kiss her vampire.

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I am thinking of a possible sequel, which I will simply add onto the end of this story as new chapters, but I'm not sure yet, and I certainly won't do anything for a week or two....Wow. Lowest rating that I've ever had for a story, so maybe not on the sequel. I didn't think it ended that badly. ::sigh::