VIII

Chapter 7. If you only knew. You could save me too.

Dear Spike.

I know you may not want to hear this. But I need to talk to someone, and you are the one I always turn to when I need to figure something out. I have to tell you now, you should be surprised if you even read this letter. Because I know there is a big possibility I might rip it up at any point. With that let me just say it. Or in this case write it.

Buffy and Angel are divorced.

I know it surprised me too.

I didn’t even know they were having problems. I didn’t know a lot of thing I do now.

I know about you and Buffy. I know you slept with her. I know it happened again after mom died. I cannot CANNOT believe that you two did it on the din roo room table! I mean can you say ewww? Gross. I had breakfast on that table the next morning. God I hope you at least washed it afterwards.

Anyway. Angel and Buffy apparently had been going to therapy, but it didn’t go so well so they stopped. And Buffy said that things were fine for a few months. But then they started fighting again. Some of it was about a baby, some of it was about you. And then Angel packed up and left. And now they are divorced.

I just don’t know what to do. I mean I know you probably don’t care, but something is wrong with Buffy. She doesn’t talk much. And she isn’t eating like she should. She was fine right after the divorce. She went out and had fun. And we talked. God Spike, we talked about so much stuff. We talked about Dad, and Mom, and you, and Angel. We talked about so many things, I never knew about.

I felt like I had Buffy back. You know. The old one. The one that laughed and smiled smiles that would light up her whole face. And I told her about everything I felt. We became close again. Like it was before. Before she went away.

We talked about everything but that. Why she left like she did. I still don’t know why. I don’t even know if she knows why.

Anyway. Whatever her problem is, she isn’t sharing. And I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know what I want from you. I just know that I am losing her again. I don’t know if I can handle losing her again. Like I said I don’t even know if I should send this letter. But it does feel good to get it all out. Maybe I should start up a diary again.

Love always,
Dawn.

Spike folded the letter. The opened it and reread it. Angel and Buffy are divorced. He didn’t know what to make of that. Spike wanted to jump up and down. He wanted to drown in a bottle of something bad tasting. He wanted to burn the letter and forget he ever read it.

Spike put the letter aside. He had been so happy to hear from Dawn. Months had passed since his last pink infusion of life from Sunnydale. Now he wished she had torn it up. He pushed the letter away. With his head in his hands, Spike leaned over the large desk.

Something is wrong with Buffy. When isn’t there something wrong with Buffy? With a sigh, Spike got up and poured himself a glass of JD. He lit a smoke and washed the burning smoke with burning liquid.

A quick telephone call later, Spike went and packed a bag.

Buffy may be a bitch.

But she was his bitch.

He dozed on the plane. He was barley awake when he drove into Sunnydale. His eyes were almost closed when he pulled into Buffys driveway. Then he realized what he had done. Buffy is in trouble, so what does Spike do? Reverts back into William. As he opened the door, he smiled and hummed the theme to mighty mouse. “Here to save the day.” Spike sang softly as he pulled his bag from the trunk.


He didn’t bother ringing the doorbell. Why when the back door is always unlocked. Spike let himself in and called softly. “Buffy? Pet? Where are you?” A quick search showed Spike was alone in the house. So he sat down on the couch and flipped on the TV. Soon he was fast asleep on the couch.

His shoulders were shaking. It took Spike a moment to realize someone was shaking them for him. “Spike? Spike? What the hell are you doing here?”

“Buffy?” he said. “What are you doing here pet?” Spike asked stretching his arms over his head. His neck hurt.

“Umm, I think you have that wrong. What are you doing here, in my house, in California, in the United States? Shouldn’t you be on the other side of the ocean?” Spike opened his eyes and smiled.

Then frowned.

Buffy looked like hell. Her skin was pale, as though she hadn’t been in the sun in weeks. Her face was tired, as if sleep was too tiring so she skipped it. Her hair was the most telling. Buffy had almost two inches of roots growing out on the top of her head.

“Dawn said something was wrong, but hell Buffy, you look like shit.” He would have wished he could take it back. If it hadn’t gotten him the results he was hoping for.

“You little bleached piece of shit!” Buffy lunged toward him.

She fought with her fists, teeth, and feet and Spike knew he would sport more than one bruise before he pinned her under him.

“Give to me good love, you know how I love the pain. After all nothing but pain when it comes to you.” Buffy jerked under him. He smiled. “Oh baby yea.” His tongue took a swipe around his mouth moistening his lips. “Now that I have you where I want you why don’t you tell ‘ol Spike—“

Buffy closed her eyes when she saw the man in the background pull Spike off her. “Damn it Angel!” She screamed. “Let him go! NOW!”

Angel threw Spike up against the wall. “ANGEL!” Buffy rolled off the floor and ran to Angel and Spike. Spike had Angel pinned to the floor now, his fist flying into Angels nose.

“SPIKE! STOP IT!” Buffy was pulling as Angel pushed Spike. One of Angel punches went stray and popped Buffy in the jaw.

Everyone went still.

Buffy clutched her jaw. “FUCK” she swore. Buffy stared down Spike and Angel. “I don’t know what the hell you two are doing here, but if one- just ONE- more person hits or does anything else that might cause a loss of furniture or limbs, I am calling the cops. Angel you are dripping blood on the carpet.” She waved one finger to the stairs. “Bathroom now. Spike Kitchen, get two bowls of ice and some towels.” When neither moved Buffy screamed again. “NOW!”

They both started running.

Buffy would have laughed. But her jaw was already about to swell. With a moan, she sat down on the couch. Spike was the first to make it back into the living room.

“God pet, lemme see that.” She turned her face away from him. Without saying anything she grabbed some of the ice cubes from the bowl and put it in a towel. Once it was on her face, Buffy turned to lie down on the couch.

“What are you doing here Spike.” She asked quietly.

“Yea Spikey, what are you doing here boy?”

“I don’t think where I go or what I do is any of your business, Pops.” Spike growled.

“That is it!” Buffy yelled. “Angel SPIKE! I don’t care where you go, but get out of my house.

“Buff?” “Pet?”

“You have two seconds before I call the cops.”

They were both gone in three.

“I just can’t help it. I love her so much. I kept thinking” Angel was slurring by this point. Spike grabbed him another beer. “I keep thinking if I can keep her close she’ll………. She’ll you know.”

“She’ll what? Fuck you?” Spike asked tipping his own beer back.

“NO! I don’t care about that.” Spike snorted. “No Really. I could live the rest of my life never having sex with her again, if I could just sleep next to her. Just hold her close.”

Another snort.

“I know it sounds stupid. But I just wish we could be friends. That she could let me in. that I could hold her.”

“You're not friends.” Spike said tossing his empty bottle into the trash can behind the bar. “You'll never be friends. ”You'll be in love with her 'til it kills you. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends.” He drew his hands together in a mock prayer pose. “Real love isn't brains, children. It's blood. It's blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.”

He stood and started to the door.

“I know what you think.” Angel called after him. Spike stopped but refused to turn around. “I know you think I am just some crazed love sick fool. But she is my wife.”

“You mean she was your wife.” Spike stood still, afraid if he moved he would kill the bastard.

“No, I mean she is. Buffy will always be mine. She married me. Not you. Ever wonder why that is? Ever wonder what it was she could find in me that you were found lacking?”


“You’re just a sad pathetic old man. I don’t think you understand Angel. Buffy chose to marry you, but she also chose to divorce you. Ever wonder why?”

He tried not to stumble. Spike knew Buffy would be sound asleep this late at night. He knew this, but as he tripped on the back steps he wished more than anything that she was awake.

Spike was tired of all the games. He was tired of feeling so lost. He lost everything. His Mum. His Da. Joyce. All gone. Dru left after she realized he could never love her. Buffy left. Dawn was getting married soon. Her name was another name to added to the list.

Everyone left him. William. Spike. It didn’t matter. They all left. Maybe if he started over again. Maybe if he got a new look. A new name. Became a new person. They would love him enough to stay. Love him enough to hold him close. Love him.

Love HIM.

“Shhh Spike.” His eyes were closed, but he felt her near. Her arms felt so warm against his cold skin. “Stand up, William. I cant carry you inside.” He stood. Opened his eyes. Spike pulled her close.

“Buffy, why cant you love me?” He was a little boy lost. A child alone.

“I do. You know I do.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do. Don’t you know that?”

“But only as a friend right?” They were still on the back porch, so Buffy began tugging him inside.

“Come in Spike.” Spike could feel the tears in her voice. Could taste the pain in her heart.

Blindly he followed her inside. Up the stairs. Into her room.

“Buffy please.” Begging had never seemed so perfect from his lips. He would beg. He would plead. Spike would do anything to make her love him.

The room was dark, no lights on. And no matter how hard he tried, Spike couldn’t see her face.

“Buffy, please let me-“

“Shh Spike.” He heard her moving around the bed. She pulled his arms until he was lying on top of the cool crisp sheets. “Just sleep Spike.”

“Are you going to—“ Spike felt her pull the covers over him. He was quite when he felt her craw inside the sheets next to him.

“Just sleep Spike.”


He woke up mid afternoon. And it hurt. His head hurt. His mouth felt like something had not only died, but shit in it also.

And he was alone.

Spike knew it was Buffys room. It smelled like her. It looked like her. It was her.

And she wasn’t there.

Spike was fully dressed already. He didn’t even take off his shirt before crawling into her bed. He pushed off the covers and sat up. “Shouldn’t have done that Spike. Big mistake.” Another mistake was talking. It made the pounding behind his temple roar. Feeling slightly sick Spike made his way to the bathroom. He didn’t even bother turning on the light. Kneeling down, Spike was surprised he didn’t vomit. After a few minutes of holding onto the toilet seat, Spike lifted himself up and moved to the sink. Within seconds he turned on the faucet and dunked his head.

The water felt wonderful streaming down his face. He cupped it and drank it from his hand.

“You know I have glasses for that. I guess I could just put a bowl down and let you drink it off the floor.”

“You’d like that wouldn’t you.” Spike growled. “You’d like it if I rolled over and played dead. Or let you rub my belly till my legs shook.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Last night.”

“Spike, I don’t know what you think happened. But we didn’t have sex.”

“I know. And that. Buffy is the problem.”

Buffy flipped on the light. “Wait. Are you pissed off because we didn’t sleep together?”

“NO Buffy. I am pissed because once again you changed the rules on me.” Spike moved to the bath tub.

“What are you doing?” Buffy didn’t understand.

Spike turned and looked at her. He really looked at her. “I don’t know why I bother.” Sigh “What does it look like? I am taking a shower.”

“Wait a second, we are having a conversation.”

“No I am going to shower. Stay. Leave. I don’t care. But Shut. Your. Mouth. Cause unless you are ready to say something I want to hear. I don’t want to have to listen to you speak.” He flipped on the water. Only the cold. No heat at all.

“Spike I don’t-“ He started unbuttoning his shirt and Buffy turned and left the room.

“Not gonna cry again.” The room was empty, but Spike still whispered.


Buffy pulled a box from the shelf. Spike always liked sugary stuff for breakfast. She didn’t know how he did it. If she had anything that sweet after she first got up she would get shaky. But Spike always seemed to be moving anyway. She placed the box on the table, went to the frig and grabbed the milk. Skim.

He liked whole. Always said the other stuff tasted like water.

The milk went next to the cereal.

She waited. He didn’t make her sit long before he was downstairs dressed in fresh clothes. He still smelled like alcohol.

Spike ignored the table and Buffy. He went to the cabinets and started pulling various items from it.

“What are you doing now?”

“You look like shit and I know you don’t eat that crap. So I am making lunch.” His tone told her a lot. It said to leave him alone. It said don’t speak. It said listen to what I am saying bitch. She was silent as he started lunch.

Pasta was easy. Being with Buffy wasn’t anymore.

Once he was finished, Spike filled a plate almost past capacity. He put the heaping plate in front of Buffy. “Spike I cant-“

“Shut up and eat. Your sister is worried sick. You have lost at least ten pounds since I was hear last, and you couldn’t afford to lose those.” Spike sat down across from her.

“Aren’t you going to…”

“No.” Once Spike was satisfied Buffy would eat, he started talking again. “Angel told me what he was doing. He told me about the calls and the plots to get you around him again. He thinks if you two spend time together again, you’ll fall back into his bed and all will be right in the world. Is that what has you so upset.” It wasn’t a question. Buffy already knew Spike had figured everything out. “Are you going to?” She knew how much it hurt for him to ask.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“What about me. Tell me now Buffy.” Buffy put down the fork. “EAT.”

“God Spike, give me a second to answer.” She took a drink of the water he had set in front of her with the plate. “You’re my friend.” Spike hated this. His words from last night echoed in his head.

“We will never be friends.”

“We were before.”

“No. I loved you. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have children with you and build a life with you. YOU wanted to fuck.”

Buffy stood straight up. “IS that what you want? Do you want to fuck? Is that way you came here like that last night? Christ Spike, you flew all the way from London to screw? Aren’t there whores in England?”

“A whore.” Spike repeated. “Yes, Buffy that is what I want. I want a whore.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. He tossed it at her. “IS this enough? Is this enough for you? Enough to make you my whore?” He went for his coat and grabbed his wallet. He pulled out more money. “Then this should be enough in advance for when I come back. Two months Buffy. I will be back for Dawns wedding. I expect you to put on every bit of weight you lost over that pounce and maybe even a few more so you don’t look like a ten year old boy. And I expect you to be waiting for me. Keeping your bed warm for me. Because I EXPECT to get all my moneys worth from you.” Spike pulled the coat over his shoulders. “You know what I like this. I like you being my whore.”


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