The Princess of Denial

“Buffy, I love you,” I say and it breaks the silence that’s in my room. She doesn’t say anything back but it’s not like I was expecting her to. She’s still asleep. Every once in a while she’ll let out a little snort and kinda twitch and it’s the cutest fucking thing in the world. This chick has definitely fucked up my badass rep, that’s for fuckin sure. To be honest I don’t really care. Sticks and stones and all that crap. People wanna call me a pussy for getting all sentimental that’s perfectly fine ‘cause I have something they don’t: the memory of being with Buffy.


I never thought sex could be like that. B is definitely full of surprises and it’s pretty fuckin awesome. The part that surprised me the most though is the fact that she didn’t run off. After I went down on her I thought she was going to freak out. I thought she was going to get all guilty for what we did and she’d take it out on me and then run back to her room. I never expected her to reach out to me and ask me to hold her. I didn’t expect her to start kissing me after she got her breathing under control. I never thought she’d take our clothes off and completely take me over.


She did though, and it was amazing. She was so fucking amazing. She’s never been with a chick before and it was kinda obvious. She was a little nervous and didn’t really know what to do but after a while she kinda got the hang of it. It wouldn’t have matter though, even if I didn’t come it still would’ve been the best fuckin sex ever because it’s Buffy, ya know? She touched in all the right places though, and it’s like the more she touched me the more my walls got fuckin knocked to the ground.


I felt like I was laid open and she was really seeing me for the first time. I know that sounds fuckin stupid especially coming from me ‘cause I don’t talk like this, but that’s how it felt. When it first happened I felt way too fuckin exposed and vulnerable, like I did in that alley behind the club. But then Buffy looked into my eyes and she held onto my hand and I just knew I was going to be ok. I just knew she wasn’t going to do anything that would hurt me. I’ll admit, I was a little wrong. B definitely needs to trim her fuckin fingernails.


It didn’t matter though. That little bit of pain made everything better because whenever I’d let out a little hiss in pain she’d kiss it all away with these little ‘Buffy kisses’. Like I said, she’s just fuckin amazing. She didn’t even ask if it hurt, she just fuckin knew. And afterwards when we were so spent I thought maybe we were gonna die from dehydration she didn’t run away like I thought she was going to. She didn’t ‘come to her senses’, and she didn’t panic and call me all kinds of names and take off.


I got to wrap my arms around her and just hold her while she fell asleep. I traced little patterns all over her skin and just memorized the feel of it. I don’t know how she gets it so fuckin soft. I’m gonna have to ask her what kinda soap and shit she uses. If she tells me after this is all over and I’m kicked out of the house then maybe I can use the same shit myself and, I dunno, pretend that it’s her. Nah, that’ll never fuckin work. How pathetic is it that I even considered it? That’s just what this chick is doing to me: turning me into one big pathetic pussy.


I look out the window and I can’t help the big fuckin sigh and escapes my lungs. The sun is starting to come up. It’s peekin its fuckin head out and it has no idea that when it gets here it’s going to ruin everything. The sun is gonna rise, Buffy’s gonna wake up and everything will blow up in my fuckin face. I doubt she’s gonna fuckin hate me. She’s not like that. She’ll hate herself and feel really fuckin guilty and then take it out on me because she doesn’t know how to handle shit like that. It’s what she always does.


Hell, you shoulda seen her the night we had a huge movie marathon. The scoobs passed out about half way through it but B and me kept truckin along. When we ran out of snacks we went into the kitchen to get some more, and we ended up forgetting about the movies. We pigged out, ate almost everything in the fridge and the freezer. B here ate a whole gallon of Cookies N’ Cream ice cream, a jar of peanut butter to go with her loaf of bread, and a whole box of microwaveable egg rolls.


Her stomach hurt so fuckin bad the next day and she was so fuckin bloated she looked pregnant. No one would go near her, except for me, ‘cause she was a gas bomb waiting to go off. I didn’t really care. We’ve patrolled sewers together, it’s not like I haven’t smelled worse. But she bitched and whined almost the entire night ‘cause it was all my fault she felt so horrible. I guess I’m a bad influence. She said she kept eating because I kept eating and she didn’t wanna feel left out. How fucked up is that? After about two hours of listening to her bitch I went to the store and got her some Pepto. I guess I have always loved her.


I hold her a little closer and gently run my hand over every inch of skin it can reach. I’m not trying to be perverted by feeling her up in her sleep or whatever. But when she wakes up this is going to be over and I’ll probably never get to touch her again. I wanna remember what she feels like, what she smells like, what her breath sounds like when she’s sleeping and all her walls are fuckin down. I’m trying to memorize it all but I don’t think I’m going to be able too. There’s just something about B that no one can capture but that hasn’t stopped any of the people she’s dated, and me, from trying.


I feel her start to move around and my heart feels like it’s being squeezed in a vice. I know that she’s waking up and not just moving around in her sleep. Sometimes when she sneaks in here at night and we talk and just hang out she falls asleep. Ever since I went to prison I can’t sleep passed six am. That’s when we had to wake up and it’s just been engrained in my routine now. Comes in handy sometimes, like whenever B sleeps in my bed and I wanna make sure I’m not doing anything embarrassing when she wakes up.


Like holding her close to me. We never fell asleep touching but I’d always wake up with her snuggled into my side with my arms around her. I’ll admit, sometimes I held her for a few minutes and I told myself I was doing it so I wouldn’t have to move her and risk waking her up. Now that I’m being honest with myself and all that shit I know it’s because I wasn’t ready to let her go. I’m still not ready to let her go. Now that I know what it’s like to really have her I don’t want to give her up. I don’t want this moment to shatter like I know it’s going to.


“Ow, my head,” she groans and she moves around a little. See, I told you she was waking up. I stop breathing and wait for her to realize that she’s not alone. This could take a few minutes ‘cause B is not a morning person and it’s pretty fuckin early. “What the hell did I drink last night?” I can’t help but smile. She sounds so fuckin adorable whining like that. I have to bite my bottom lip to stop myself from laughing.


“You only had four beers. You’re not turning into a lightweight, are ya B?” I ask and her whole body fuckin tenses up. Fuck, I shoulda kept my fuckin mouth shut. I knew I should’ve kept it shut. She lifts her head up off my shoulder so fuckin fast I’m surprised she didn’t get whiplash. Her hair is really messed up and it looks so fuckin ridiculous it’s awesome. The smile gets wiped off my face though, ‘cause the expression on hers is nothing but freaked.


“Oh my god,” she says and she sounds just as freaked out as she looks. “Oh my god, oh my god.” She sits up in the bed and she wraps the sheet around herself so I can’t see her body. I didn’t think she’d let me look at her but it kinda hurts that she’s being so…guarded. Since she pulled the sheet up to cover herself, the upper part of my body is exposed. She glances down and her eyes get even wider. “Oh my god, Faith, we…we….” Yeah, she can’t even say it, that’s how much she’s freaked.


“We had sex,” I say and she sucks in a deep breath. I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. I’ve never slept with someone who I actually care about. I’ve never been with someone and wanted it to be more than just a onetime thing. That whole cuddling bullshit just isn’t me, but when I was holding her it didn’t feel stupid or mushy or all the other things I used to think about actually sleeping with someone and not just fucking them. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act like everything is fine because it’s not.


“Oh my god,” she says and she sounds so fuckin pissed. I know she’s not pissed at me, she’s pissed at herself, but it’s hard not to take that personally, ya know? She wraps the sheet tighter around herself and starts to scoot towards the edge of the bed. My breath gets caught in my throat. She’s gonna leave this room and we’re probably never going to talk again. I know, B, and she can avoid people like nobody’s business. “Oh god, where are my clothes?” I sit up and grab her arm. I guess she wasn’t expecting it ‘cause she just tensed up like I was about to slap her or something.


“B, just calm down,” I say and let go of her arm. She’s giving me this look, like she wants to punch me in the face for saying that and I don’t blame her. It was really retarded. She stands up and when she does the comforter follows. Now I’m sitting on the bed completely naked and I’ve never felt so fuckin exposed in my entire life. This is so retarded. I’m not self conscious about my body at all. Everyone else in the house is always throwin some kinda fit because I like to walk around in my underwear but this feels different.


“I can’t calm down, Faith,” she says and she starts looking for her clothes. She’s gonna have a hard time since this room is pretty fucked up. I normally try to keep it clean but the last few days I just stopped caring and now it looks like a fuckin tornado swept through. She sounds so pissed, so fuckin out of her mind that she doesn’t even sound like B anymore. “I can’t believe this. I can’t believe I let you turn me into a whore.” What the fuck did she just say to me?


“Hey, wait a fuckin minute,” I tell her and sound just as pissed. I can’t believe she just fuckin said that. In a fuckin heartbeat I’m off the bed. I grab her by the arm and pull her up so we’re face to face. She looks pissed as hell, like she wants to fuckin gut me again, but I’m not letting go of her this time. “Don’t try to blame this on me, B. You’re not a whore and what we did last night wasn’t wrong.” Her face scrunches up like I just told her something gross and she’s trying not to gag.


“It didn’t mean what you want it to mean, Faith,” she spits out and rips her arm out of my hand. She’s looking me dead in the eyes and if looks could kill I’d be a pile of ashes previously known as Faith. “You have feelings for me and they’re hard for you to deal with, I get it.” I really wanna fuckin slap her. She’s lucky this conversation is happening while I’m sane or it’d be on like Donkey Kong. “But getting me drunk and taking advantage isn’t the way to handle this.” Why the fuck am I so against lashing out? I really need to be reminded right about now.


“I didn’t get you drunk and take advantage,” I tell her but she doesn’t look like she believes me. Is that how she’s gonna fuckin spin it when she tells Marcus what happened, if she tells him what happened? Big bad Faith came along and fucked her while she was too out of it to say no. That’s not what fuckin happened. “You coulda said no, B. I gave you the chance to pull away when I kissed you and I asked you before things got heated if you wanted to stop. But you didn’t. You begged me to give it to you, do you remember that?”


I guess she does because her eyes are filling with tears. Our voices are getting loud but I don’t fuckin care. Let the whole fucking house hear what she’s accusing me of, I don’t give a shit. She’s the one who’s gonna come out of this looking like the douche. Everyone heard us last night, I know they did. There’s no way anyone around here got sleep with the way she was moaning and screaming me to fuck her harder.


“Faith, please just stop. I need to get out of here,” she says and she sounds like she’s gonna cry. I feel like such an ass. I shouldn’t feel like an ass ‘cause she’s the one who started this shit. Calling herself a whore and saying I’m the one who turned her into one. There’s no fuckin way she could ever be something like that. And I don’t care what she says last night meant something. It was more than just fucking, even if she isn’t willing to admit it.


“No, B, we need to talk about this.” Yeah, I actually wanna talk about the sex we had last night in more of a ‘recapping the greatest parts’ kinda way. We need to hash this shit out or I’m gonna lose her forever. I know I said I was ok with that. I know I said if she wants me to leave the house I’ll go without a fight ‘cause at least I’d have the memory of being with her. I was dead fuckin wrong. I don’t wanna leave. I have too many ties here, and I don’t want to lose her as a friend. If I do than last night is going to be one of my biggest mistakes, ever.


“Faith, there’s nothing to talk about. We were drunk, we weren’t thinking clearly.” And right now her decision making skills are fucking awesome. “And it was a mistake. It was a huge mistake of epic proportions.” Yeah, ‘cause that isn’t making me feel cheap. “If things were different maybe….” She trails off and my heart is in my fuckin throat. If things were different than maybe, what?! “But they’re not. I’m not single. I’m with Marcus and I can’t believe I did this to him.” The second she mentions his name a white hot anger flashes through my whole body and I really wanna punch the fuckin wall.


“B you don’t get it, we have to talk about this.” I need to tell her everything. I don’t just ‘have feelings for her’. I’m in fuckin love with her. That’s never happened to me before and she needs to know it. She needs to know I’d die for her. I’d do anything in the world to make her happy. I’d marry her right now if she asked me too. Well, maybe not right this moment ‘cause she’s being a total fuckin bitch, but give me a few hours to cool off and I’d so marry her. I’m keeping my last name though; fuck her if she thinks she can totally claim me.


“No, Faith, just stop,” she says and starts picking her clothes up off the floor. She drops the sheet and puts ‘em back on really fast. My eyes roam as much of her body as they can while they can ‘cause in seconds she’s dressed and hidden from me again. Man this really fuckin sucks. She’s being the world’s biggest bitch and all I wanna do is take her in my arms and show her how much I love her, again. “What you feel doesn’t change anything between us. You’re not a commitment person, Faith. I’m not going to let you ruin my life, again, for something that you’ll be over in a week.” And the camel’s back was just fuckin broken.


“Don’t you tell me what I feel, you fuckin bitch,” I snap and she throws the sheet back onto the bed. I’m surprised she didn’t rip it up just to piss me off. Those are my favorite sheets and she knows it. Hell, she’s the one who bought ‘em for me. That’s the day I learned thread counts do matter. “I’m in fucking love with you! I always have been, B. Everyone else could fuckin see it except for us. But I know it now and after last night you should too.” She looks shocked and pissed, which are two things that never mix well together when it comes to Buffy.


“You can’t honestly tell me that last night meant nothing, B.” I look into her eyes and it’s like I’ve got tunnel vision. All I can see are her hazel eyes staring back at me and she looks so fuckin scared. Scared of what, though? Scared that I’m going to hurt her? Scared of how Marcus is going to react when he finds out? If that fuckin cro-mag lays a hand on her he’ll be spending the rest of his days rotting at the bottom of the lake, that’s for fuckin sure. “I know you felt it too, B.”


“You’re wrong,” she says and her voice is so fuckin strained it sounds like it hurts to talk. It’s mostly because of all the screaming and moaning she did last night. But it’s also because she’s trying so fuckin hard not to cry. I hate seeing her like this, but she kinda deserves it. She wakes up and treats me like dirt and I know I deserve better than that. “Being with you didn’t mean anything to me, Faith.” I open my mouth to say something but it feels like all the fuckin air’s been forced outta my lungs. In a heartbeat she’s at the door and there’s nothing I can do to stop her from leaving.
She slams the door and the walls fuckin shake. I can’t believe that just happened.


Alright, I can believe it. I was telling myself over and over again that it was going to happen. She was going to wake up and remember what we did and freak the fuck out. That’s what I expected but I guess I just wasn’t ready for it to happen. I guess this little retarded part of me thought she was going to wake up and not regret it. That she would realize she loves me too and everything would work out. Guess fuckin not, huh?


My throat feels like there’s a huge fuckin knot growing inside of it and it hurts like a motherfucker. Tears well up in my eyes and I can’t see a damn thing. I’m blinking, trying to make them go away but as soon as they pour out and run down my face more are there to fuck up my vision. My chest feels all tight because I’m holding in all the sobs that wanna come out. I don’t want them to come out because I don’t want her to hear me cry like a pussy. She’s in her room and it’s right on the other side of the wall and she’ll hear it for sure.


I sit down on the bed and just let the tears fall. I absolutely refuse to let the sobs out. I need to hold onto as much dignity as I can and there’s no fuckin way I can do that if she hears me bawling my eyes out. I sniffle really fuckin hard and my stomach fuckin churns. I can smell it. Her. Us. What we did. It’s all over my bed and it’s making me so fucking nauseous. If this morning had happened differently it wouldn’t be a bad smell, but it’s so fucking awful I just wanna burn the fuckin bed.


If I were the old Faith that’s exactly what I’d do. Burn the fuckin room down and move on to the next town and stay at another shitty motel. But I’m not the old Faith so bein a fuckin pyro just isn’t the answer this time. I can’t stay in this room. I can’t be in here and not go crazy. I don’t want to go crazy. I don’t wanna go back to being the old fucked up Faith. I can’t go back to that. I’d rather fuckin die than be that psycho slut.


I jump up off the bed and run over to my dresser. I throw up the bottom drawer and I think it broke ‘cause I just heard something snap. Oh well, I’ll have Xander look at it later. Right now I don’t give a shit. I just need to get out of here before I go out of my fucking mind. I toss on an old t-shirt and some pajama bottoms as fast as I can and I book it out the door. I run down the hall and it’s kinda hard to see with tears stinging my eyes.


I don’t want to be alone right now. I know that’s funny coming from me, but I’ve changed a lot. I don’t wanna be alone anymore. I’ve been alone almost my whole life and now that I know what it’s like to have friends I don’t wanna be by myself, even when I’m hurting. I don’t wanna be around just anyone though. If the wrong person sees me like this they could get hurt when I toss ‘em out the window.


I knock on Willow’s door and slowly open it. The morning light streams into the room and I can tell she’s already awake. I guess I woke her up with all the screaming and shouting I did with B. I slowly walk in and shut the door. I feel so stupid right now. I feel like a little kid sneaking into her mommies’ room after she had a bad dream. That’s what I’m hoping all of this is. The fight with Buffy was just a horrible fuckin nightmare and when I go back to my room to burn the sheets she’s going to be in my bed wondering where I ran off to.


“I know this is probably a stupid question but it’s early, are you ok?” she asks and I shake my head no. Even in the dark she can see it. It’s not pitch black in here or anything. A little bit of light is peaking in from behind the curtains. “Do you wanna come lay down with me?” I nod my head yes and just stand here like an idiot. I don’t know why I always do this. Whenever I’m hurting and I come to Red for some comfort I can never just take it, she always has to be the one to make the first move. “Come get under the covers. It’s cold.”


That’s code for: you poor thing, let me coddle you ‘til all the booboos are gone. She’d never say that to my face, but I know that’s what she’s thinking. But I don’t argue with her, and I don’t just stand here like a dumbass. I walk up to the foot of the bed and crawl up it. Instead of going to the free side of the bed I go right down the middle. Kennedy makes an annoyed sound ‘cause she’s trying to go back to sleep and I’m crawling in between her and her girl. I’d probably be annoyed too but right now I don’t care.


I manage to get under the covers without pissing Kennedy off too much. This kinda thing has happened before so she’s kinda used to it. Within two point five seconds I’m pressed against Red and her arms are around me. The top of my head is right up under her chin and I’m crying my fuckin eyes out. Now that I’m someplace safe that feels really fuckin far away from Buffy I’m sobbing and it hurts. My throat hurts, my chest hurts, and my eyes hurt. It all just fuckin hurts.


“Shh, Faith, it’s going to be ok,” Red whispers and leaves a little kiss on the top of my head. I would tell her that she’s so fuckin wrong, but I can’t talk. I can’t stop sobbing. My whole body is shaking really fucking hard ‘cause of it. Red starts to rub my back and I dunno if she’s using magic or what but she’s kinda calming me down a little. I’m starting to get to that point where if I don’t calm down now I’ll start coughing really fuckin hard and that always blows.


I feel Kennedy press against my back and her arms are around me too. It’s kinda fuckin weird being smashed between them like this but it feels pretty awesome. Kinda like being wrapped in a giant security blanket. I don’t know how long we’re like that but eventually I calm down. The tears are still flowing like a motherfucker, but I’m not sobbing anymore. My throat feels like someone tried to shove their fist down it, and I don’t think this horrible feeling in my stomach is ever going to go away.


“I know you’re hurting so this is a bad time to bring it up,” Kennedy says quietly into my ear. I can feel her lips softly brushing against it and the feeling of it makes me shiver. That feels so fuckin weird. Anyway, I stop sniffling long enough to hear what she has to say ‘cause she has that tone that she always gets before she makes some smartass comment. “But this right here is the worst threesome ever.”


I can’t help but laugh and it sounds really fuckin ugly ‘cause my throat is so torn up. I feel a little better, like maybe things aren’t so bad. Like maybe I haven’t completely destroyed one of the most important friendships I’ve created in the last couple of years. Like maybe my life can go back to normal. Like maybe I’ll be able to leave this bed sometime within the next year. Those feelings are temporary though, and they go away almost as soon as they showed up. Guess I’m wrong. I guess I’m gonna die in this bed. It does have an eight hundred thread sheet, that’s something at least.