Later in the Ashes

Later in the Ashes (Chapter Six)

It didn’t really surprise Willow when Olivia returned to England but no mention was made of changing Spike’s living arrangements. After all, it wasn’t as if her friends weren’t accustomed to imposing on her…and it wasn’t as if she weren’t accustomed to allowing it without a word of complaint.

Besides, she was honestly glad of the company.

The first night, as it turned out, had been all about sizing each other up, setting boundaries, drawing lines. She hadn’t known it at the time. She knew it now.

Days passed, they’d coexisted with amazing companionability, and the conversation had been…careful, that was the word, on both sides.

Until tonight.

“Did you see that?” Spike was giddy, practically bouncing off the walls of her kitchen as she heated up some blood. “Did you see me just throw that demon into the crater like he was nothing at all?”

“I saw it.” Willow decided that now was not the time to remind him that his doing so had nearly cost them the battle. It wouldn’t be kind to rain on his parade. After all, he’d just discovered that the chip hadn’t completely robbed him of the capacity for violence so dear to a demon’s heart. She could only imagine how much that meant to him, how much of his identity he must feel was restored.

Without meaning to, her thoughts drifted to Angel. What did violence mean to him? For all that he possessed a soul, he was a demon. Did he, too, revel in the capacity to maim and kill? Did the hands which had mapped her body with such skill find a different kind of ecstasy in meting out pain?

She knew the answer, of course, and the only frightening thing about it was that she wasn’t actually frightened at all. He was a vampire and deriving pleasure from violence was a part of that; at least he satisfied those urges by fighting for what was good and right. Maybe if Oz hadn’t suppressed that darker side of himself, maybe if he, like Angel, had found an outlet for the demon within him instead of caging it, maybe…

Maybe he would never have slept with Veruca; maybe he would still be hers.

Indulging in ‘what if’s’ was not only pointless, but depressing, and really, Willow knew better. It didn’t stop her mind from going to the most painful places, though, and Spike, for all his giddiness and hyperactivity, noticed.

“Penny for ‘em.” Spike’s voice broke into her thoughts.

“They’re not worth that much.”

“Sure they are, though you’ll have to spot me the penny, I’m afraid.”

That last remark brought a sort of half-smile to her face, but it didn’t make her want to open up to Spike. She might find him a pleasant houseguest and even like him as a person…well, vampire, but she didn’t trust him, especially not after watching him tonight. The way he’d stared at the others after killing the demon, the look in his eyes saying that it would have been them if he could have made that choice…it chilled her.

It didn’t, however, frighten her enough to stop her from asking a very personal question. “What is it with you and Angel?”

He looked taken aback for a moment, but recovered quickly. “What do you mean?”

What did she mean exactly? “I guess I was just kind of wondering about you two. I mean, I know you hate each other – you’ve probably tried to kill each other more times than I can count – but you just seemed kind of…I don’t know…sentimental, maybe?” Spike growled softly and glared, obviously offended, so Willow did her best to backpedal.“In a weird, vampire-y, twisted sort of way, I mean, and…” Her voice trailed off as she got caught in the tangled vines of her own thoughts.

Spike was silent for a moment before saying something that shouldn’t have been enough to explain anything, but somehow explained everything. “He’s family.”

The look in his eyes was as full as any expression she’d ever seen there, but what all was lurking in those blue depths eluded her. Besides, she’d done enough digging for tonight.

He had trusted her, she realized, trusted her with something he knew she could use to hurt him. If she repeated those words to Angel… She wouldn’t, though, and Spike knew that. She decided to acknowledge his confidence with one of her own.

“I used to…I used to feel like I had a family. Not my parents, but Xander and Buffy and Giles – I felt like they were my family.”

“Not anymore?”

“No, not really.” It wasn’t as if Willow had suddenly realized this, but it hurt to say it out loud, nonetheless. Tears threatened to form in her eyes.

“Already figured that out.”

“Yeah, probably not hard.” Willow tried to sound unconcerned, but it hurt that Spike was throwing her offering back in her face, treating it as if it were nothing at all.

He noticed. “Kind of surprised you admitted it, though.”

That, she was pretty sure, was Spike’s version of a ‘thank you.’ At any rate, she decided to take it that way. At least it kept the tears at bay.

It was probably time to change the subject, but Willow really didn’t know what to say. Her mind was too full of Angel and Oz. She could only imagine what Spike was thinking about, after what they’d discovered about Buffy’s new flame. That must have been the something Buffy hadn’t shared with her the night she came back, the something she would have shared before.

“Boy, that’s something about Riley being…”

“One of the bastards who maimed me?”

“Umm…yeah.”

“I’m not all that surprised. Frankly, I thought the Slayer was a part of their outfit at first, anyway.”

Willow didn’t know what to say. She actually was surprised, though maybe she shouldn’t have been. But really, Buffy having been with Angel and all…no, it seemed out of character for her friend to accept an organization that treated demons like…animals. Of course it was okay for Buffy to kill vampires and demons who were violent and actively killing and hurting people, but this group? From what Spike had told them, it didn’t seem like they were being so choosy. And then there was… She shuddered as a thought occurred to her for the first time.

“Spike? Were you…when they…did they put the chip in while you were…?”

“Awake, pet? No. They did it while I was still knocked out by those bloody tazers of theirs.”

“Good.” She let out the breath she had been holding. The thought of Spike’s head being cut open while he was conscious? It was too much to bear. The tears were back, pricking her eyes.

He stared at her for a long moment, seeming almost disconcerted by the compassion she was feeling towards him. She supposed that made sense; she wondered when the last time anyone had felt sympathy for him was.

The silence gave her thoughts room to roam again, and they went where they were most prone to go these days: right to Angel. Did Buffy think about him when she was with Riley? Did she realize that the people her new boyfriend worked for would probably experiment on Angel the same way they had on Spike? Did she even register the fact that Angel - like Spike, like Darla, like Drusilla – was a vampire?

Questions upon questions, and Willow was nowhere near certain she wanted the answers. She knew them anyway, like it or not. They threatened to turn her whole worldview on its head. Because if Buffy and Angel weren’t soulmates, if their love wasn’t a true and powerful thing…

No, maybe Willow had been wrong about Buffy and Angel, maybe they were more teenage romance and less a love for the ages, but that didn’t mean she was wrong about what she shared with Oz.

Just as it seemed she was about to smash her own dreams to dust, the phone rang. Before she could get to it, Spike grabbed the receiver. “Hello?” There was a short pause and a broad grin broke over his face. “Peaches. How lovely to hear from you.”

Willow grabbed the receiver out of his hand and glared at him. Sadly, it wasn’t a very fearsome expression she achieved and Spike merely chuckled. She hated him right now. What if it had been her parents? Granted, the likelihood of them calling was roughly equal to the likelihood of demons deciding never to try to open the Hellmouth ever again, but still…

“Angel. Hi. Sorry about that. Spike’s still staying here, though I guess you already figured that out. Um…so…what are you calling about?"

“Some big things have been happening here. Stuff I figured you needed to know.” His tone was calm, but heavy, and Willow could tell that whatever he was calling about was serious.

“Oh my gosh. Are you okay?”

“It’s not me. It’s Cordelia.” While mindful of Spike’s views as to Angel’s sincerity last time they spoke, Willow was still inclined to believe him. He had to realize she could call Cordelia and check out anything he told her, after all.

“What happened?”

“When Doyle died, when he kissed her…it wasn’t just a kiss. He gave her his gift – the visions.”

Willow was very lucky she was standing right by a chair or she’d have wound up on the floor. She sat down heavily, unable to say a word. Cordelia was Angel’s seer? There was a disturbing feeling that she was terrified was jealousy stirring at the back of her mind.

“Are you there?” Angel’s question made her realize that some time had passed. Spike was staring at her with something that might be worry if he weren’t Spike.

“Yeah…yeah, I’m here…it’s just…how did that happen? How is she taking it?”

“Not well, at first.”

“I wouldn’t think so. It must have been a real shock.”

“She found out in the middle of an audition.”

“Oh no.”

“Yeah, unfortunately that wasn’t the worst part of it. She was kidnapped by an empath demon and auctioned off to some very evil lawyers. They were about to remove her eyes when we saved her.”

“Remove her eyes? Why?”

“For the power.”

“Oh.” Willow was overwhelmed. Poor Cordelia. That must have been terrifying. She wished that Angel had called her while all this was going on. Maybe she could have helped somehow. Of course, she couldn’t think of a single way right now, but that didn’t matter. Out of nowhere, though, her irritation was broken into by her mind seizing on the pronoun Angel had used when talking about saving Cordelia.

“You said ‘we.'”

“What?”

“When you said you saved Cordelia, you said ‘we.’ Who was with you?”

“Wesley.”

Huh? She could not be hearing correctly. “Wesley? Wesley who? You can’t mean…”

“Oh yeah. One and the same.”

Willow was more irritated than ever that she hadn’t been called. He let Wesley in on the rescue and not her? “How much help could he have been?”

“More than you’d think actually, especially once he changed out of the leather pants.”

Leather pants? Wesley? She needed to sit. Oh, that’s right, she was sitting. “He wore…?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t pretty, believe me. He didn’t look nearly as good as you did.” Angel almost purred as he spoke those last words and Willow blushed. Spike now looked more intrigued than ever.

“I’m glad Cordelia’s safe,” she said, by way of changing the subject.

“It’s strange. I mean, the Oracles said that a door would open. I sure never thought Cordelia would be behind it.” There was something more he wanted to say and Willow hoped he wouldn’t say it. He did. “I thought…I thought maybe somehow…”

“Don’t,” she pleaded.

“I wanted it to be you. Dammit, Willow, I have feelings for you, I care for you. Maybe you don’t like it, or maybe you do and you’re just too damn stubborn to admit it, but that’s the way it is.”

He’d said it, said the thing she’d feared so much since this whole…whatever it was…had begun. What happened between them was more than just sex and comfort. She was just grateful there was one word he hadn’t said.

She couldn’t discuss this with him now, not with Spike sitting less than three feet away.

“I…we need to talk. And right now is not a good time. I’ll…I’ll tell them that the hospital called and my aunt took a turn for the worse. I should be there sometime tomorrow, okay? I need some sleep tonight. We were fighting demons and I’m not really up for a long drive.”

“Okay.” She could tell he was happy, though he was obviously trying to conceal it beneath his usual monotone. Oz almost never had to work at concealing his feelings. It disturbed her that she suddenly wondered if that was because he didn’t feel as deeply as Angel did, at least not about her.

“Goodbye,” she said.

“I’ll see you soon.”

With those last words from Angel echoing in her mind, Willow hung up the phone.

Spike, of course, was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. “So, I can see that Peaches has you well trained. He calls and you come running. Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing a collar and a leash.” Spike leered and gave her a blatant once-over. “Might not be a bad look for you, at that. Ditch the baggy clothes and add some leather and I think you’d be a tasty little piece.”

Willow decided that glaring at him would be better than continuing this discussion. Unfortunately, it wasn’t too effective at ending it.

“Oh, c’mon. You can’t blame a bloke for wanting to know what you’d look like all decked out in some slinky leather number. Bet your precious Angel wonders the same thing.”

“He already knows,” she replied, before cursing herself for speaking without thinking.

“Really? How did he get so lucky? And why aren’t you willing to be as kind to the rest of us?”

“It was back when the vampire version of me was here and…”

“Hold on there…you were a vampire? But…how…?”

“It was a spell. Anya tricked me into trying to help her get her powers back and we ended up bringing a vampire version of me from another dimension.”

Spike sighed. “Wish I could have seen that.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a good thing she was sent back, that’s all I can say. She was evil and skanky…and her outfit was way too binding.”

“How did you wind up wearing her clothes?”

“I shot her with the tranq gun and then I traded outfits with her so I could pretend to be her and distract the vamps who had taken over the Bronze.”

Spike guffawed. “You? Pretending to be a vampire? I would’ve paid to see that. I’m amazed you didn’t wind up drained.”

“What?” Willow was offended now. Okay, maybe she wasn’t the most dangerous or cunning girl in all the world, but she hadn’t done that bad a job of impersonating her doppelganger. “I’ll have you know I did a pretty good job…well, ‘til Anya blew my cover, anyway.”

“I’ll bet,” he snorted. “Still, I do wish I’d had the chance to see you in leather.”

He looked her over again, and it was starting to make Willow a bit uncomfortable with being alone in the house with him. He noticed. “Don’t pay me any mind, pet. I’m just having a bit of fun. ‘Sides, seems to me you’ve got more admirers than you can handle right about now. I’ll just sit back and enjoy the show.”

His words, while a bit snide, were reassuring and she could tell he was sincere. That was good, because she’d been getting used to him as a roommate and she didn’t relish the idea of having to come up with an excuse to get him out of there that wouldn’t lead to him getting staked.

“I’d better go get some sleep.”

“Yeah, ‘night then.”

She started to walk out of the kitchen only to be stopped by the sound of his voice one more. “Guess this means I’m back to bunking with the moron and his demon while you’re gone.”

She turned back in surprise. “Why?” It had honestly never occurred to her that Spike wouldn’t be staying right here.

“You don’t think your little friends will object to me staying here on my own?”

“Pfft.” Willow waved her hand dismissively. “They’ll be happy they don’t have to bother, believe me.”

“And you’d trust me?”

Funny, she hadn’t thought about that, but oddly, she did trust him. “Yeah, why shouldn’t I?” He looked as if his demonly pride had been wounded, so she scrambled to find an explanation that wouldn’t diminish his status as an evil and amoral creature. “I mean, if you do any damage or go rummaging around my room, you either end up staked or back in Xander’s basement, so…yeah, I trust you.”

The crisis was averted; Spike seemed duly mollified, if his silence and the lack of further glaring were anything to go by. Which was a good thing, because Willow was dropping and badly in need of sleep. She bade him good night again and with that, she headed upstairs to bed.

*****

It seemed that only a minute had passed since she’d crawled under the covers, but the sunlight streaming through her window told her it was morning. Groggily, and with no small amount of reluctance, she got out of bed and headed for the bathroom. She decided she had time to take a shower and brush her teeth before calling the others and hitting the road.

Back to Angel’s.

It was hard not to think bad thoughts as she stood in her shower, just as it had been every time she’d taken a shower since her last visit to Los Angeles, but she managed to distract herself by mulling over just how to word the excuse for her latest absence to her professors and so she was clean-scrubbed, wrapped in a towel, and brushing her teeth in no time. She stared in the mirror for a moment, looking for the scarlet ‘A’ she figured would have to appear on her forehead at some point. It still wasn’t there. She looked like the same girl she’d been before she ever went to L.A.

She still looked like Oz’s girl.

She wasn’t Oz’s girl. Not anymore.

She gasped. It was as if she’d been hit in the chest. This was the first time she’d ever allowed that thought to enter her mind. She clutched wildly for the frayed threads of hope she’d been clinging to for so long, but they slipped away.

She wasn’t Oz’s girl. Whether or not she was ‘with’ Angel or they were just a passing thing, she and Oz were over.

She leaned against the sink, unsure if she wanted to faint or vomit. She did neither. Instead, she quickly got dressed and went downstairs to grab an apple or something before packing a bag and calling Giles.

Spike was in the kitchen, drinking blood, when Willow walked in. She was surprised. Shouldn’t he have been asleep at this hour?

“Hey,” she said noncommittally as she walked in.

“Hey,” he replied in kind.

She wasn’t sure if he was being snide or not, but she was in no mood for sniping, so she let it pass. This wasn’t a good time for an argument, but then again, when it was with Spike, was there ever? He was too good at battles of all sorts for Willow to be confident enough to duel with him, especially not right now.

“I’m just gonna grab an apple and then go pack. Oh, and call Giles, of course. I was gonna leave you a note.”

“And now you don’t have to. Isn’t that convenient?” There was an odd undercurrent in his tone of voice that Willow found troubling. She thought they were getting on well as of last night, but now…

“Is something wrong, Spike?”

“With me? Nah, I’m just dandy. Defanged, dependent on my enemies, forced to prey on my own kind just to get in a decent spot of violence, reduced to drinking pig’s blood, and so bloody neutered that a slip of a mortal girl can trust me to keep an eye on her house while she slips off for a shag with my poufy sire. Whatever made you think anything was wrong?”

At that moment she felt rather ashamed of herself. Somehow, losing Oz had made her forget that others had lost what defined them, too. At least one other, anyway…Spike. As much as she was happy he hadn’t been able to sire her, she felt for him. It was hard to have what defined you suddenly ripped away, leaving you feeling small and alone and helpless. She should have known that being able to kill other demons wouldn’t make up much for what he had lost.

“I’m sorry, Spike.” She walked over and put her hand on his shoulder, hoping the look in her eyes and the tone of her voice would say all the other things for which she couldn’t find the right words.

He said nothing, simply looked down into his mug, staring at the dregs of blood as if they contained visions of the bygone days that might be gone forever.

She whispered the words that revoked the glamour under her breath. Maybe this could help.

“You see this?” she asked, waiting for him to look up. His eyes widened at seeing the mark on her neck. “This is the only reason I trust you in my house. We’re family, like you said. Otherwise, I’d have you tied up in Giles’s bathtub before I even dared to leave town.” The funny thing was, she realized, she actually meant that. She knew full well that her threats, no matter how dire or likely to be carried out, were not enough to keep Spike in line. Even with the chip.

“You mean it? You’re not just saying that?” Spike looked so hopeful that it almost broke Willow’s heart. She was so grateful that she wasn’t lying.

“I do.” She wore something resembling her famed ‘Resolve Face’ and that seemed to settle the matter. It was time for her to stop dawdling in the kitchen and head upstairs, but first…

She muttered the words and the glamour hid the mark once more. Spike stared as it disappeared.

“Bet Peaches doesn’t like that trick one bit.”

“I don’t know.”

Spike snorted, knowing she was being disingenuous, but he let it pass without remark. “Better go make your call and pack your things. Still got that leather gear?”

“Spike,” she warned.

“Just a suggestion.”

“I gave it back to her before we sent her back to her world.”

“Pity.” He waggled his eyebrows as he spoke, his expression broad enough to let her know he was just teasing.

Willow gave an exasperated but good-natured sigh and finally left the kitchen, heading upstairs to her bedroom, where the phone loomed like the enemy before her.

Oh well, not like she had a choice. She picked up the receiver and dialed the familiar number, getting into character as she heard the ring at the other end.

“Hello?”

“Giles? Hi, it’s Willow.” She did her best to sound choked up and emotional.

“Willow, what is it?” He sounded concerned. Great. He bought it.

“It’s…It’s Aunt Esther. She’s really doing badly and they…they need me to go there and sign papers and things and…”

“Oh dear. I’m so sorry. Of course, you must go.”

“Yeah. I’m gonna throw some things in my overnight bag and head out right away. Tell Buffy to take notes for me if she can, okay?”

“Yes. Yes, of course. But…what about Spike?”

“Oh, I figured he’d just stay here. I already told him that Buffy would stake him in a heartbeat if he so much as thought of trashing my house, and besides, I think he prefers being here to the bathtub or Xander’s basement, so…”

“That does stand to reason, though Spike is not always one to behave in a logical fashion. Still, I suppose we could pop in and check on things while you’re away. If you were to leave a key…”

“No, really, it’s okay. I mean…I’d at least kind of prefer that Xander and Anya not come barging into my house. You know Anya and…” She shuddered as she imagined Anya suggesting that Willow’s empty house would be a perfect place for orgasms. Not for one moment did she believe that Xander cared about or respected her enough to say no.

“Yes, yes, quite.” She could almost hear Giles polishing his glasses. “Perhaps it would be best if you just kept your key with you and…yes, I trust that Spike won’t get up to too much trouble while you’re gone.”

She was about to say goodbye when he spoke again. “Your parents won’t be returning during your absence?”

Willow’s heart ached as she realized how little attention Giles really paid her. They’d covered this very matter only a few days ago. “No, Giles. They’re not going to be back for at least six months. They said they’d let me know before they get back so they can schedule a lunch with me.”

Giles said nothing, obviously uncomfortable. Maybe he recalled the earlier discussion and felt foolish, or maybe he just didn’t want to deal with this much personal knowledge of a girl who, when all was said and done, was just his Slayer’s best friend and a crack researcher. It didn’t really matter much, did it?

Willow said goodbye and barely waited for him to do the same before hanging up. For the second time today, she felt as if she’d had the wind knocked out of her.

Family – no Giles wasn’t family, not now, and not ever, as today’s phone conversation had finally made clear, breaking through the fantasies she’d been holding onto for years and forcing her to accept the truth she’d started to admit last night. Today was a day for that. The process that had begun when she last returned from Angel’s was kicking into high gear.

She’d lost Oz and she’d lost Giles.

She knew she was sure to lose more.

Packing quickly, she straightened her shoulders and made her way downstairs, putting all her strength into keeping her tears at bay. She could cry in Los Angeles.

As she left Spike sleeping in front of the TV on her parents’ sofa and headed for the car, she tried not to think of just how terribly wrong it was that she’d feel safe with Angel.

Tbc…