So Damn Domestic

The Following Night. BPOV


I’m walking through the cemetery on a night that’s very cool and crisp. It’s almost like the weather’s mocking me. It’s pointing at me and singing out: ‘isn’t it a great night for a romantic stroll in the park? What’s wrong, Buffy, where’s your sweetheart?’ I hate it when the weather is so nice when I’m feeling so shitty. After last night with Faith…I’ve been quiet and distant from everyone, especially her. She hasn’t tried to apologize yet. She rarely does for anything unless she knows it’s really fucked up. And I can tell she knows what she did is very wrong and one of the worst violations she could ever do to me, but I know that she’s still trying to figure out a way to say it. I can see it in her eyes when she looks at me. She wants to tell me what happened, what caused her to do that, but she doesn’t know how to put it into words.


And I don’t have the nerve to approach her about it. I’m not physically afraid of her, haven’t been since she got out of prison, but I don’t want it to turn into a big fight. This is a very delicate situation and I don’t want it to get any more out of hand because I couldn’t just wait a couple days. I’m afraid that if we fight over this then she’ll leave me, that she’ll just get too stressed and feel like she’s cornered. She thinks that I don’t know, she thinks that I’m so fucking clueless but I know her better then she gives me credit for. She feels cornered and she gets this restless feeling, like she’s being boxed in and she has to get away. She gets like that sometimes when I touch her when she’s having really deep thoughts or something is bothering her. I stop when I feel a very familiar tingle at the back of my neck. Oh my God!


“Oh my God, are you serious? Are you fucking serious? You come all the way up from L.A. saying you have a message from Angel and I invite you in thinking the world is going to end or something, you don’t tell me shit except for some very unimportant stuff, you disrespect my girlfriend on purpose and now you’re fucking stalking me? Spike, you better just get the hell out of town because I’m on my last damn nerve, so unless you have something very damn important that you need to say just say it so you can leave.” Ok so I probably shouldn’t have told him to say something very damn important because what’s important to Spike isn’t always important to me. He walks up to me and puts out his cigarette. Because of Faith I’ve gotten used to the smell of cloves and I kind of like it now, but what he’s smoking is different and I want to vomit because of all the horrible dirty memories I get from it. Don’t you just hate sense-memory?


“Look I know it’s been years since we’ve seen each other, mostly because last time your honey tried to kill me.” I smile at the memory. Six months after Matthew was born I got a call from Angel, just one of those rare ‘how are you doing?’ calls, and I told him about the baby, why wouldn’t I? He was happy for me but apparently he told some other people and word got out. When Spike heard he came up to visit to take a look and see what my child looked like. We had gone out to eat at the local Applebee’s, and he approached us in the parking lot. Because Matthew was so young Faith was always in slayer mode whenever we took him somewhere, especially at night, so was I but hers has always been a lot fiercer then mine. As soon as we saw Spike walking towards us she tried to kill him, and we haven’t seen him since. That is until two nights ago.


“But through all of these years my feelings for you haven’t changed, not a bit. Well, a little. They’ve gotten stronger.” Oh my fucking God! His he serious? Apparently so because he isn’t laughing and he looks just as serious as the first time he told me that he loved me, you probably remember, Drusilla was in town, and he tied both of us up? Yeah you remember, I know you do. Anyway, I look at him with even more disgust as that first time, but he’s always been stubborn. “Hey, stop with the face. It’s true, I love you. I came here to get you back.” I let out a snort that turns into a chuckle, that turns into a small laugh, that turns into maniacal laughing, and finally it turns into hysterical laughter where I’m bending over holding my stomach trying to breathe before I die. After about ten maybe fifteen minutes I finally calm down, I have tears running down my face and I wipe them away. After all this craziness it felt damn good to laugh like that. At least Spike is good for something, and a laugh as his expense is something I’ll never pass up.


“Why would I run off with you? I don’t love you. Sure there used to be some tiny little feeling because you helped me when I needed it, and you gave up your undead life for the world, but Spike, I’m not in love with you. I love Faith, I’m with Faith. Have been for the last seven years, will be for the rest of my life. We have a son together, why would I just leave all of that for you?” I really want to know his answer so I wait a little impatiently and twirl the stake in my hand like I used to do back in high school. Oh yeah, I still got it.


“You really think your relationship with her can last?” Ok, I’m getting ready to smack him. I’m not going to sit here and let him badmouth her, even if I am feeling a little out of sorts because of what she did, I still love her and I’m going to defend her to anyone who is talking shit. “She was raised with nothing but suffering, and abuse, and pain. She doesn’t know how to love because she was never taught how. I know people like that, Buffy, and she may be fine now but all of that…hatred is going to catch up to her. And she may be able to pretend that it didn’t happen and suppress it now but sooner or later the shit is going to hit the fan and when it does you will be caught in the middle. Your boy will be caught up in all of it.” I pull my fist back and punch him in the face. Right in the eye and he falls backwards. I may have let him get away with the Faith stuff because I’m mad at her but nobody talks about my kid like that, especially not Spike. Even though he was on the ground and holding his eye he kept on talking. “She’s dangerous, a murderer, once you cross that line there’s going back.” I snort at that and give him a ‘what are you on?’ type of look.


“So says the vampire. Slaughtered half of Europe, dated a deranged lunatic for over a century, tried to kill me, my friends, and my family more then once. Any of this ringing a bell? You may have a soul Spike, but you are far from good. She is better then you by far and if you honestly believe that I’d actually leave her for you, that I’d leave my son for you…well you need to get your fucking head checked.” He stood up and let go of his eye. It’s black and starting to swell. He looks me in the eyes with sympathy and this look like ‘just hear me out will ya?’


“I’ve changed, I have a soul now. She killed those people, she tried to kill you and she had a soul, what do you think that says about her? And the boy, you can bring him with us. She’s not at the house, ran to the store for Red about fifteen minutes ago. Lets go back, pack your bags, grab your kid and let’s get the hell outta here.” He sounds a little desperate and I feel so disgusted. I punch him in the face again and he stumbles back. “Fine, Buffy, be that way. But you’ll see it. She’s going to start changing if she hasn’t already. She’ll get a little angrier then normal, a little rougher where she used to be smooth. She’ll turn on you then she’ll turn on your kid and by the time it happens it’ll be too late to stop.” Before I can hit him again, before I can say anything he walks away, his coat all billowy in the wind as he pulls out another cigarette and lights up. I can’t help but think that he might be right. It’s only for a fraction of a second though, not even a whole second because I know that if she ever did ‘turn on me’ she’d never hurt Matthew. And I know that she’d never hurt me either. But then again, she already did. She did hurt me in a way that should never happen especially by a loved one. Maybe Spike is right after all.


I continue to wonder around aimlessly. The cemeteries here are nothing like they were in Sunnydale. Shasta Lake itself doesn’t have any cemeteries that are still being used. There’s one not far from us but it’s a Native American burial ground, no joke, and because not very many people are buried there anymore we only go to it when we read in the paper that someone is being buried there, which like I said isn’t often. To get to the others I have to walk a long ways or drive, which ever. But there are only two, to get to the other one we have to drive even farther out. Sometimes I miss Sunnydale, there were like six cemeteries and all within walking distance. And because of the hellmouth there was always some type of evil that needed to be slayed. But here, it’s quiet. There are a lot of vampires I can feel them, but they’re mellow, they don’t attack as often as the ones in Sunnydale. The body count is way lower which is great, gotta love a low body count, but sometimes, I just get bored.


I decide to leave the cemetery because it’s dull tonight. No action here at all. I go to the park and start to walk around. I will admit that they do have a nice setup here. Nice long trails for me to walk down, lots off cool grass and plenty of benches to rest on when I get too caught up in my thoughts and I need to sit down so I don’t trip over anything. But tonight I’m not that distracted. I’m even able to sense him when he walks up. I stop in my tracks and let out a sigh. My shoulders slump down a little and a allow myself to smile a little bit. Even though I’d rather not see him right now, it is kind of nice.


“I thought you said you were going to stop following me around,” I say in a mock-serious tone. He knows I’m only kidding around with him. He steps forward, out of the shadows and I’m reminded of all the other times he’s done this. I don’t turn around to face him but I know that he’s there, and I know he’s going to say something. I kind of like our little word games, they’re pretty fun.


“Old habits are hard to break. Besides, I’m not here to follow you. We need to talk.” Ouch, that stings. I finally turn out and a let out a sigh. He looks concerned and I’m a little grateful. I know that we’ll never be together again, he knows that but I’m glad that ever after all these years he’s still looking out for me. Ok, how mushy am I? I shake my head at his words and put my stake back in the pocket of my jacket. It’s slow here tonight too.


“Don’t you know not to start a conversation with ‘we need to talk’? It’s very bad juju.” I swear to God if Faith makes me watch more one episode of Grey’s Anatomy again I just might break the television. I know it’s a great program, and I kind of like watching it because of the drama, but there’s a little too much blood for me, and when those two people where stuck together by that pole because of the train accident, how sick was that? I know that Faith only watches it for that blonde, her miss Dr. Stevens. She’s hinted at role-play before and I know exactly who she wants me to be. Ok, I’m babbling again. I look over at him and he’s not smile, he didn’t even let out a little ‘you’re still as crazy as ever’ laugh by my use of the word juju. I give and I give and what do I get? A stone hard look. This must be serious.


“You probably already know that Spike’s back in town.” I let out a very irritated laugh. “But he did come here for a reason. I couldn’t get away from things in L.A. so I sent him instead. I realize now that I probably should have sent Wesley or Gunn, I think you might have even preferred Cordelia, but the news is kind of important.” I sigh and lead him over to a park bench. We sit down and I look into his eyes. The moonlight is reflecting off of them and I can remember the exact moment when I realized that I loved him. But that’s all in the past, I wouldn’t change any of it, ok well maybe some of the things I did with Spike because they were depraved and belittling, but if Angel hadn’t have gone evil, then we never would have realized that we couldn’t be together, and I wouldn’t have Faith, I wouldn’t have Matthew, I wouldn’t have everything I love today.


“Ok Angel, you wanna get to the point here soon because I have some more avoiding that I need to get done.” It was supposed to be a joke, but he never takes any of that stuff lightly. And because I just couldn’t keep my big mouth shut he’s looking at me with even more concern, like he did when I came back that Summer after I had died, and when I started hanging out with Faith and started to run with her wild lifestyle. He’ll always worry about me, and I can’t help but love him for it. Love as in the kind of love that you have for an ex-lover who you still care about. I’m not in love with him, not anymore, I haven’t been for a while.


“I stopped by your place earlier, nice house by the way.” I smile and nod a thank you. “I didn’t knock or anything, I just wanted to see if you were there. Things seemed kind of…tense. Faith she hasn’t, and I mean this in the best way possible, but she hasn’t gone insane again, has she?” I look away from him and stare straight ahead. My arms are folded across my chest now. I know what he’s asking. He wants to know if she’s psychotic and if she’s killing again, which is a big no. Insane though? I don’t know, maybe just a little. What with the panic attack and her freaking out and running away, and not to mention last night’s roughness…I think she might be starting to slip.


“No.” He can tell that I don’t sound too convinced of that answer myself. I look over at him and then look away. Things are starting to grow tense between us and I don’t like it. I’m staring out into the darkness and he’s staring at me. I know he’s going to say something to me, to question me on it further. I haven’t talked to anyone about what happened. After I calmed down in the bathroom last night I washed my face, put on a bathrobe, took the blanket that Willow had given me and slept on the couch. I didn’t want to talk about it with her, she has enough to deal with already. And I don’t think he wants to talk about this, not fully, but I know he wants me to let him in at least a little bit.


“It’s just…there’s a lot going on. Kennedy cheated on Willow and then left her, Faith is really upset about that. And with Matthew in school now we have to find different ways to keep our minds busy, and I think she’s going a little stir crazy from just being at home. She doesn’t want to get a job because she isn’t even a high school graduate. And there’s other things, things that she won’t talk about. Things from her past, she won’t talk to me about her childhood or anything.


“But last night she was asleep and she started calling out to someone named Billy, and it was like she was begging him not to leave her. I woke her up and she wouldn’t talk about it. After a few minutes she…we…tried...to make love.” I stopped to gauge his reaction on that. Talking about having sex with someone with Angel is a tricky thing, not that I do it often. It’s because he still loves me so much that the thought of me being with someone else that way makes him jealous. He stays neutral and I sent out a silent thank you.


“I say tried because it failed horribly. She was rough…she’s never rough with me. She was biting my neck really hard, and she…was rough in other places too.” I can’t help but stare at my lap and he gets the idea. I feel him tense, he takes in an unneeded breath and he holds it. I hate it when he does that. “She almost didn’t stop, I had to push her off me. I had asked her to be gentle and she would but it would only last for a couple of minutes.” I have to stop because I can feel the tears start to build up in my eyes and if I’m not careful then I’ll starting crying. And that’s one of the last things that I want to do in front of Angel. “And I don’t know what to do. She won’t talk to me, she won’t tell me what’s going on...I’m afraid that it’s going to get to a point that we can’t go back from, and I love her so much, I don’t want to leave her. I don’t want to get to the point where we hate each other. Angel, what am I supposed to do?”


He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me closer to him. I rest my head on his chest and he lets me cry. He whispers some soothing words, tells me that everything will be ok, but he doesn’t try to stop my tears, he just lets me get it all out, which I’m thankful for. When I finally calm down I pull back and look at him. He tells me not to worry about what he was going to say before, that he can take care of it himself. He leans down and leaves a soft kiss on my forehead and I watch as he gets up and walks away, into the darkness, leaving me here alone, feeling very uncertain about my future.


FPOV


Red asked me to run out to the store for her, says she could really use something to drink and not in the soda sense either. She asked for something specific so now I’m standing in the middle of a packie…I mean liquor store, in the middle of a liquor store trying to find what Red asked for. She hasn’t taken the whole ‘Kennedy taking off’ thing very easy and I’m surprised that she’s waited this long for the booze. And from her request I can tell she’s a lightweight because anyone who’s used to drinking heavy, like me, wouldn’t ask for cheery schnapps. I’m staring though at all the different colors, all of the different shapes and I can’t help but be tempted. Buffy would kill me if I drink a drop though so I’m not going to. I find what Red was askin for and I take it to the counter. The clerk is a woman I know, have known for a couple years now. Her name is Jessica, mother of a girl named Jennifer. Jennifer is Mattie’s age and they used to play at the park together every Friday, she’s in his kindergarten class now.


“Hey Fai.” The problem with Jessica is she has to give nicknames to people, a lot like me only she isn’t all badass. I hate that she calls me Fai, but whatever. I don’t let it bother me because I know that if I correct her it’ll come out rude and Jessica is a nice lady, doesn’t deserve my bad tongue, so I keep quiet about the subject. I mumble a hello and she rings up the bottle. “You ok? Last time you were in here you bought a bottle of JD, this is a little weak for you. You’re not buying for teenagers are you?” She’s teasing I can tell by the big smile on her face. I smile back, this girl has a pair on her I’ll give her that.


“Naw. Friend of mine got dumped, she’s a lightweight, wanted me to pick this up for her.” She nods her head in that all-knowing way. She’s only twenty-three but she’s seen a lot in her time here on earth. Was raped by her uncle, an uncle by marriage so no blood relation, at the age of seventeen, her dad used to hit her a lot, her mom was bipolar and always flipping out on her. Her life was worst then mine, I know that, I’m not above admitting that her problems are more sever, but she came out of it all ok. She doesn’t act badass and wear leather. Hell, she works at a little store and she’s wearing pink. She’s way too nice, I think, considering what happened to her. I don’t know, I’m going to stop thinking about it because I’m getting ahead.


“Haven’t seen you at any of the ptm’s, where ya been?” Ptm, short for parent teacher meeting. I think there’s one like every two weeks or something. The school likes to keep the parents informed of what’s going on so once every two weeks they gather up most of the parents and sit them down and lecture then for and hour and a half. But I’ve been banned. “You haven’t come since that first one. What, the little misses didn’t like that you chewed out Creep Magee?” Creep Magee, the nickname for that Derrick guy because he’s creeping and has hit on all of the moms, and because Magee is a funny name.


“Guess not since I haven’t been back.” We share a laugh and she shakes her head as if to say ‘you’re so whipped’. And I am, I can’t help it. Buffy’s tamed me a lot and as much as I want to remain that cool badass smooth talkin slayer that I was back in Sunnydale, I’m not. I’ve changed and I’m still trying to figure out if it’s for the best or not. Is this something that I wanted to become? Is this something that I can live with for the rest of my life? I have no idea, but I’m willing to find out because I think she’s worth it, Mattie’s worth it, and I don’t want to just walk away from them and happiness. “I’ll catch ya later.”


We say our goodbyes as she put the bottle in a paper sack and then hands it to me. I take it from her and nod a thank you before walking out the door. I had to park my car down a little ways because of the lack of parking spaces. As I’m walking down the sidewalk I see none other then Kennedy. She looks horrible, way worst then when I saw her at the hotel room, and she fucking reeks of booze. She doesn’t notice me. She’s too busy walking fast and heading towards the liquor store. I grab her by the upper arm and spin her so she’s facing me. She looks into my eyes. She’s been crying, that much is wicked obvious. She looks so out of it, so far away, the look in her eyes alone is causing my heart to tighten.


“How many have you had today?” She knows exactly what I’m talking about. She doesn’t say anything though and tries to walk away but I tighten my grip on her arm and pull her back towards me. “How many, Kennedy?” I’m not about to let my best friend become a boozehound because of this breakup. It’s wicked painful, and yes it’s going to take a long time to heal, but alcohol isn’t the way to go. She looks down and runs a hand through her matted hair. She looks so…trashy. If I didn’t know her I’d definitely be givin her some strange looks.


“Four.” She answers so softly that I almost done hear it. “Four bottles, all absolute. I need it Faith, it’s the only thing that makes it stop.” We just stand there and my grip loosens a little. I sigh deeply and watch as she looks back up at me. She looks into my eyes, fresh tears are in her and I know that if she starts to cry I just might break down too. “I can still feel her, the pain, the anger. We connected on a mystical level, we can feel each other, and I need to make it stop. I have to make it go away.” I know the answer is probably pretty fuckin obvious, but that’s never stopped me from asking.


“Why?” She looks away from me and tries to walk away again but she’s not going anywhere, I won’t let her. I’m going to let her fall into a black hole of self-hatred and self-pity. Once you’re there it’s hard to get out. Add that on top of the pain of a breakup and you’re screwed.


“Because she’s hurting so bad right now. Right now, this moment, I can feel it. She feels like her world has been ripped away and only the bad parts are left. Like there’s this big missing piece, and I did that to her. I want to make it better, I want to see her, to talk to her, but I’m afraid she’ll just send me away, or turn me into a rat or something. I know I deserve it, but I don’t think I can take anymore.” I know the feeling. I wrap my arms around her in a big hug and she nuzzles into my neck a little. It feels weird hugging her, and having her nuzzle me like that. This is Kennedy, she’s just as butch as I am, well maybe a little less, but you get what I’m trying to say, right? I know I probably shouldn’t do this, I know that it might cause some problems, but I just can’t stay out of it. She wants to see Willow, she wants to get back together with her, she feels like a total bitch for doing what she did…I just can’t help but feel sorry for her.


“I’m gonna ask you some questions and you better answer honestly because I’ll know if you’re lying or not and if you are then you can forget that I’m thinking of helping you, alright?” She nods her head yes and looks down at her hands. I reach out and use my thumb and forefinger to gently ease her chin up so she’s looking at me. “Do you want to get back together with her?” All she can do is nod her head yes. She’s too overcome with emotion to speak right now. I guess the hug was a bad idea after all. “Do you still love her?” She nods again, more vigorously this time. I sigh and run a hand though my unruly locks. I can’t believe I’m going to do what I’m about to do. “Have you been with anyone else since the Barbie?” I ask. I know she hasn’t been with Willow since Willow’s business trip. According to Willow’s upset ranting they slept together before she went to San Francisco but not when she got back. Kennedy shook her head no and I sigh in relief. I take her by the wrist and lead her to the car. She gets in and I start the car and take off for the house.


When we get there I can see Willow sitting in the living room. She’s doing something with Mattie, putting together a puzzle I think, but I can’t really tell. She looks better then she has all day and today was a particularly bad one. But mood swings are to be expected so we aren’t faulting her for it. I sigh again and pick up the bottle that’s still in the bag. Kennedy looks over at me and wipes the tears from her eyes. She isn’t looking at the window and I know why. I know that if she sees Willow then she’ll jump out of the car and run to her and right now she needs to be calm, she can’t do the impulsive thing because that’s what got her into this mess in the first place.


“Wait out here. If she says she doesn’t want to talk to you you’re not going to talk to her. I know you’re hurting but you’re the one that fucked up so you’re going to do this on her terms, got it?” My voices wasn’t mean, I didn’t sound mad, I was just giving it to her straight because being honest with Kennedy is something I’ve always been. I give her the objective point of view, sort of like the voice of reason. Where she needs me to keep her level and give her a good smack every once in a while I need her to be the one to open up to.


I feel bad now because I almost feel like I’m cheating on Buffy, like I have been for years. She’s the only one I’ve had sex with, but when it comes to my past, about the things I’ve done, the people I’ve done, the things that happened to me as kid, Kennedy knows more then I’ll ever tell Buffy. So it’s almost like I’m cheating on her emotionally, does that make sense? Anyway, Kennedy nods her head yes and I get out of the car. I walk into the living room and set the bottle down on the coffee table. Mattie locks eyes with my and I nod my head towards the hallway. He gets up and goes into his room without questioning me. That’s one thing that drives B insane, he questions her on almost everything but he listens to me and rarely asks why I’m telling him to do something. Willow looked up at me with this confused look and I sat down next to her on the couch.


“Look, I don’t know how you’re going to take this but I ran into Kennedy while I was picking up your poison. She feels like a bitch for what she did, regrets it, and hates herself for it. She knows that it was a mistake and she wants to talk to you. I’ve already explained that because you’re here and so…fragile, that if she’s going to try and get ya back she’s going to do it on your terms. She’s waiting out in the car, if you don’t want to see her I’ll drive her back to where she’s been staying, if you want to talk to her, well, she’s waiting.” I turn and look out the window. Kennedy’s looking at us, this hopeful look in her eyes. I can see that she’s conflicted and I can guess what she’s thinking. I’d probably think it too.


“She says she hasn’t been with anyone since…well ya know, and I believe her. She wouldn’t lie to me, you know that, I know, and unborn child over in China knows it.” Never take anything too seriously, that’s one of my philosophies, now if I can just learn to do it a little more things will be fine. “She’s sorry Willow, just give her a chance, hear her out? If she don’t like she has to say I’ll make sure she never comes near you again, even if I have to shadow you around for the rest of your life.” She smiles and laughs a sad laugh, mostly because she knows it’s true.


“I want to talk to her, but I don’t want to be left all alone with her. Buffy’s still out patrolling, will you wait in your bedroom while we talk?” I nod my head yes. Yeah right, like I’m gonna leave and miss out on this. I give her knee a supportive squeeze and turn around. I look at Kennedy through the window and motion her to come inside. She jumps out of the car and runs up to the door. She doesn’t knock, which is fine, she just walks in and before she says a word I stand up and back up a little bit so that I can see both of them. I’m not going to just let them have this talk in my house without laying down some ground rules first. I know they need to talk to each other, and Willow needs to get out the anger, but I have a kid here, I can’t just let them fight.


“Ok, some rules before you two start. No yelling. If either of you get pissed off and start raising your voices then you’ll either have to stop talking for now or go somewhere else because I’m not going to let you get into a fight here, Mattie’s upset by this situation enough as it is. No door slamming, keep the insults and bad language to a minimum.” They both give me this small smile. So I’m tame now, so fucking what? “If you guys do resolve this and need some...private time, Red cast a barrier spell around your room ‘cause Mattie hears enough from me and B. Ok, I’ll be in the bedroom - actually I better wait outside, ‘cause if Buffy comes home and sees Kennedy here...I don’t think I need to say more.”


I give them a small smile and then walk into the kitchen. I open up the cupboard above the microwave and pull out a fresh pack of cigarettes and a new lighter. Then I go outside and sit on the steps of the front porch. I decide not to listen in on their conversation because if I was having problems like that with B I would want some privacy. Then I realize, I am having problems with B. What I did to her...I feel sick every time I think about it. I can’t really explain why I did what I did. I remember having that dream, I remember lying on the floor of that small room and him walking away from me but instead of being quiet I call out to him, I try to get him to stay. I remember feeling all alone and scared and abandoned, and like I was nothing. I remember wanting to jump up off of the floor but it’s like I was paralyzed and he stopped walking and was just standing at the door, trying to decide if he should stay or not. Buffy woke me up before I could see if he stayed with me or just abandoned me.


After that it gets kind of hazy. I remember needing to feel her, needing to touch her. I needed it so badly that I felt like I would die inside if I didn’t get it. It was like there was this empty hold in the pit of my stomach gnawing away at my inside and getting bigger and bigger and bigger until it felt like I was empty, nothing, and her touch and taste would have made it all better. She would have made me whole again. So I started to kiss her and then it was like I became someone else, like something was possessing me. I was able to overcome it a couple of times, but only when she stopped me from what was happening. After I got control I would go slow again, be soft and gentle like she asked me to and then it was like something just took over and I didn’t have any control over anything that I was doing. It felt like I was a third person looking in, like I was being pushed to the back of my mind and forced to watch as something else ravished my girl. Pretty fucked up huh? Maybe I am going crazy again.


I turn around when I hear the front door open and out walks Mattie. He knows not to be around me when I’m smoking so instead of standing next to me where he’ll inhale the smoke he stands out in the yard, at least five feet away. I worry a little because he’s out of my arms’ length and it’s night, but I know that if anything where to happen I’d be down there within the blink of an eye, possibly quicker, and he can defend himself a little. He doesn’t say a word as he sits down on the grass and crosses his legs Indian style. He rests his elbows on his knees and then his chin in his hands, he looks bored, but also a little worried. I’m about to ask why he came out here but he beats me to it.


“They’re gonna start yelling soon. Can you feel it?” I furrow my eyebrows at him, confused by the question. But I concentrate anyway and let my slayer senses crawl their way into the house. Things are getting tense, there’s this negative energy in the air and Willow’s getting pretty pissed off. Kennedy’s trying to explain why she was feeling like that and Willow is getting mad because Kennedy isn’t explaining herself right. She just can’t say the right thing. Yep, there’s going to be yelling soon, the feeling is definitely in the air. You can almost count down to it just by the feel of the energy. You can feel it building and building and soon there’s gonna be-


“Oh my God!” Oh yeah, Willow’s pissed. I hope they don’t break anything, I’m in the dog house as it is. “We were in a relationship Kennedy, when you’re in a relationship you tell your partner what you’re feeling. You don’t just keep shit like that bottled up!” Ok, that’s like two of my rules being broken at the same time. “If we’re going to make this work then you have to be able to trust me! I might not understand why you’re feeling certain things but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be mad at you for feeling them! I’m sorry that I wasn’t around as much because of my job, I’m sorry that you were ignored, but I didn’t see you reaching out. I didn’t see you trying to get my attention to talk to me. You never said a word, you said you were happy for me. How am I supposed to know that you’re feeling ignored and abandoned when you tell me that you’re happy for me and that everything is ok!”


I hear her take a deep breath. Now that she’s gotten the yelling out of her system they’ll be able to talk about this a little more rationally. Her voice is lower when she starts talking again so I stop listening. I look over at Mattie and he lets out a little sigh. I take the last drag of my cigarette and smash out the cherry on the porch and then put the butt in this little flowerpot that I use as an ashtray. I hold out my arms to him and he stands up and walks towards me. I wrap my arms around my boy, and turn him so that his back his against my chest. I give him a kiss on the side of the head and rest my chin on his shoulder. He wraps his arms around him and sits down in my lap.


It’s nice just holding him like this, having this quiet moment to ourselves without all the drama and the noise. I feel him let out a small sigh. He turns his head a little and nuzzles his nose into my neck. I tighten my grip on him a little and I smile a small happy smile. Even with everything as crazy as it is I can always count on him to cheer me up some even if it’s just being quiet like we are now. I almost want to scream when I feel him tense up, and only seconds after that I feel that familiar little tickle at the back of my neck. It isn’t who I thought it was going to be though, which is good.


“Don’t worry, baby, he’s not going to hurt you,” I whisper into Mattie’s ear and he relaxes a little bit but the slayer inside of him is still on alert, so is mine but there’s nothing I can do about that. Whenever a vampire is near I can feel her screaming out to me, telling me take action. I’ve learned to control it, but it’s that voice, that desire for the hunt that’s gotten me into trouble in the past. “So are you going to say hello or just stand in the shadows all night?” I feel my boy tense up some more as Angel gets closer. I run the back of my fingers down his arm, trying to sooth him. It works a little but I can tell that me and B are going to have to sit down and explain to Mattie what it is he’s feeling whenever a vampire is near.


“Hello Faith. Who’s this?” He knows who Mattie is, Buffy’s sent him and the L.A. gang pictures over the years and the Queen C herself even made an appearance about two years ago, right before me and B hit that ‘rough patch’ in our relationship. Anyway, Angel is just trying to be polite which is nice, but the fact that he doesn’t seem as broody as usual is kind of freaking me out. He’s trying to act like something isn’t wrong which always means that something is very wrong. I whisper in Mattie’s ear and he relaxes a little more. I tell him that this is a good guy, a nice man who is a friend of his mommy’s and even though he’s sending off the warming signals he isn’t going to hurt us.


“My name’s Matthew, what’s yours?” he asks and then stands up off of my lap and holds out his hand for Angel to shake. Angel looks at me and raises his eyebrow a little bit. I’m too busy smiling at my boy with a mother’s pride to really respond to that. But Angel is respectful, like almost always, and bends down a little bit so he can shake Mattie’s hand.


“I’m Angel.” Mattie must give him a funny look or something. “Yeah, I get that a lot.” I chuckle a little bit and Mattie sits down next to me. Now that he’s in the presence of another guy he’s going to try and act all big, and independent and grown up. It’s really cute to watch. He puffs out his chest a little bit, tries to make himself look bigger, and he sits up really straight to make himself look taller.


He’s around girls all of the time so whenever a guy does come over he tries to act like just another one of the guys, a buddy, someone that they’ll respect and won’t treat like a kid. Well, he acts like that with almost every guy. Like I said before, there’s an exception to everything and this time Xander is that exception. Mattie doesn’t like Xander and we can’t figure out why. I sigh a deep sigh when I feel Angel’s demeanor shift. He’s serious now, so the reason for him coming here is about to be revealed.


“Hey Matthew.” The tone of his voice is serious, but not mean or anything. He’s talking to my boy as if he isn’t five, like he is an adult and my respect for Angel grows a little more. “Why don’t you go inside? I need to talk to your mom.” He nods his little head and then gets up. He gives me this look though, and I know what he means by it. That’s his slayer side coming out a little more, and he’s silently telling me that he’s going to be listening in, making sure that I’m ok, that if anything bad does happen then he’ll be out here to help. He goes inside and closes the door. Angel sighs an unneeded sigh, I hate it when he does that. He looks over at me with...disappointment? What the fuck did I do?


“I’m only going to say this once so you better listen real good.” I don’t like where this is going. He may be a good guy and he saved me from my old way of living, but what makes him think that he can just come to my home and talk to me this way? I stand up and look him square in the eye. It isn’t a challenge, well sort of, it’s more of like a demand for respect. He sighs again but his tone is still the same and I can see that he’s sizing me up. He hasn’t done that in a really long time.


“I ran into Buffy.” I tense up and now I hate where this is going. “She didn’t tell me everything, just enough for me to get a really good idea of what’s going on.” Oh really? Are you sure about that big guy? He doesn’t know what’s going on because he doesn’t live up here, he doesn’t see us everyday and talk to us on a regular basis. “Redemption is hard Faith, I know that better then anyone. Things from your past are going to catch up to you, things that you thought were buried.” So he got one thing right, big fucking deal. “Buffy loves you.” Yeah, everybody with eyes knows this. Where has he been? “She thinks she’s losing you to whatever is going on that you don’t want to tell her about, and I think she’s right.”


“Oh you do, do you?” His jaw is set and his muscles are tensing a little bit. He doesn’t like the fact that I’m questioning him on this. How much did Buffy tell him? Did she just bump into and give him a run down of our sex life? Ok, I understand that she needs to talk to someone about it. What happened was fucked up and really horrible and she probably as all of these emotions running inside of her now and she needs to vent, but to him? I’ve always been jealous of Angel when it comes to all things Buffy. He was her first, her first love, her first lover. We were becoming friends before he got back from hell and then things went downhill from there because she was distant and quiet and wouldn’t tell me what was going on. Suddenly I feel like the world’s biggest bitch because I’ve kind of been doing the same to her. Ok, I’ve been doing exactly the same to her, only there isn’t a ‘back from hell vampire’ involved.


“Yeah I do.” His tone is hard and I know that this could be leading to a fight if we’re not careful. “Whatever is going on, whatever you’re feeling you need to find a way to deal with it. You need to talk to her about it, let her in, tell her what’s going on with you because she might be able to help. Talk about it with her, talk about it with Kennedy or whoever you hang out with a lot but just talk about it. Don’t take it out on Buffy. I know you love her Faith, I know she’s loves you. You’re important to her, she doesn’t want anything bad to happen to you. She wants to help, I get that, I understand where she stands. But I’m warning you now that if you hurt her, if you break that trust, if you violate her again, you will pay.” I get angry because nobody talks to me that way. The only person I’ve ever let talk to me like that is Buffy, and his he Buffy? Is he a five three little blonde who always smells like lavender and can’t cook to save her life? No, I didn’t fucking think so.


“Now you listen to me.” My voice is angry, threatening. Before I really know what’s happening he’s grabbed onto my upper arms and slams me against the wall. My head bounces off of it. That really hurt, what the hell is he doing? I try to fight, to get him to let go but he holds me there. His eyes are so intense, like all of this rage is just bubbling under the surface and if I’m not careful he’ll take it all out on me. I hear the front door open and I feel Mattie’s presence come out of the house. I calm down and Angel loosens his grip on my arms but he doesn’t let go. “Go back inside Mattie, everything’s fine.” My voice is lighter then before because I’m forcing myself to stay calm. But he doesn’t move, he just stands there, staring at Angel. “Now Matthew.” This time my voice was a little more commanding and he knows that I only call him Matthew when I’m dead serious. I hear him walk back into the house and close the door.


“You don’t get a say in this Faith. You deal with your issues and you start soon because if I find out that you’ve hurt Buffy like you did last night I will come back here and I will make you pay. You understand me?” I know he’s serious, I know he will do unthinkable things to me if I hurt her, because he’s still in love with her, always will be. I relax under his grip and he starts to let go. I slowly nod my head and I’m about to tell him what happened last night. Ok, well not an overly detailed run down of what happened, but I was going to tell him what I was feeling, that it felt like something was taking me over. But I never get the chance to. Buffy walks up behind us, and she’s pissed off right away by what she sees.


“Hey! Get off of her!” She grabs Angel by the shoulder and pulls him back. He lets go of me and takes a couple of steps way from us. She’s standing at least five feet away from me, he’s at least six. She’s looking at both of like we’re a couple of kids who just got caught jumping on the brand new furniture or something. Great, here comes the ‘better than thou’ attitude, just what I need to make this night complete. “You have no right coming here and...what, threatening her? I didn’t tell you those things so you could play the hero, Angel. I can take care of myself.” Go Buffy go, go Buffy go, I repeat in my head. Suddenly I’m liking the attitude. I give him this smile, this total ‘haha you just got yelled at’ smile and he just frowns and looks away. I’m feeling a little good about myself after seeing him get chastised like that. Then she turns to me.


“And you.” She sounds like a very pissed off mother right now, like we were stealing cookies before dinner or some shit like that, she’s pointing her finger at me and everything. I give her this ‘what did I do?’ sort of look. “You need to tell me what the hell is going on with you. I can’t take it anymore Faith. I can’t take all of the secrets and the hidden pain, and all of the anger. Last night was the final straw. I love you, you know that, but if something doesn’t change and real quick then I don’t think this is going to work anymore. You need to find a way to deal with your issues because I will not be your emotional punching bag.” I look away from her, feeling a little ashamed of myself, as I should. I look over at the vamp and he’s giving me this look, this smug ‘I told you so’ smirk. God I really want to punch him right about now. She seems to sense that and she looks over at him and gives him a glare.


“I’ll be in town for the next couple of days.” He informs us as if we really needed to know. “Buffy, if you need to talk...” And then he walks off. I respect Angel a whole hell of a lot but I don’t really like him all that much. He just gets on my nerves, ya know? He thinks that just because him and Buffy have all of this history that he has the right to just rush in and play the fucking knight in shining armor whenever things are rough. I do have to give him some credit though, because if I were Angel I don’t think I’d be able to be calm around the person she’s with. And I can understand where he’s coming from because if I ever found out that someone she loves hurt her, violated her like the way I did…well all there would be is a dead body. The door opens and out walks Willow and Kennedy, holding hands no less. Kennedy is smiling but Willow looks a little more serious. Buffy looks pissed off and I step closer to her just in case she tries to kill Kennedy.


“So, we’re going now.” Willow says and then lets go of Kennedy’s hand. She gives Buffy this big hug. “Thanks for all of the help and letting me stay here. I’ll stop by tomorrow and pick up my stuff. And don’t worry, I’ll fill you in on everything.” She lets go of Buffy and steps over to me. We hug but it’s awkward. “Thanks Faith.” She whispers before she pulls away. She takes Kennedy by the hand and we all say our goodbyes as they walk away. I feel a little bit of hope starting to rise up inside me, please no puns, it’s irritating. But if those two can work through their issues together and come out standing strong, then maybe me and Buffy can. I just need to open up with her. It’s not going to be easy, I know that, but it needs to be done. I just don’t want her to feel sorry for me. I don’t want her to get that look in her eyes, like she’s looking at me like I’m some poor little wounded creature. I don’t want to be her charity chase.


BPOV


This is not how a Friday night is supposed to be. I just know it, I’ve seen it in movies and television. On Fridays the parents are supposed to hire a babysitter to watch the kid/kids and then go out for a nice romantic dinner, maybe take a stroll in the park afterwards, or even just go out to see a movie, it doesn’t matter what they do as long as they’re spending that time together, and they’re happy. That’s how I always pictured spending my Friday nights anyway.


After Faith and I changed Matthew for bed and gave him his goodnight kisses and turned out his light we went into our bedroom. I gave him dinner before I went on patrol, I haven’t eaten anything since last night, I don’t know about Faith. Anyway, after we tucked him in we walked out into the kitchen for whatever reason. We sat down at the kitchen table, she was staring at her fingernails, unsure of what to say. I didn’t know how to start either. So we just sat there, in silence for a good fifteen minutes. I don’t think I’ve had a more awkward moment in my life. So, here we are, staring at each other, neither of us know what to say but we need to talk. God, I hate that irony.


“So, I’ve been thinking.” She says and I get a little tense. That’s another line you’re not supposed to start a conversation with, it’s bad juju. Dammit, from now on that word is going to be stuck in my head. I’m never watching Grey’s Anatomy with her again. “I’ve been trying to think of something to say to you since after you left.” She doesn’t mean when I left to patrol, she means after I left the bedroom last night. “I’ve been trying to figure out what happened. It just...it doesn’t make sense.” No it doesn’t, it doesn’t at all, and I would really like to know what was going on with her when it happened. But I have to give her some credit here. She’s starting to open up at least and I know that this isn’t easy for her. “I had a dream, more like a memory from when I was fourteen. I woke up feeling...needy. I needed you so bad right then but I didn’t know how to say it. So I tried to show you.” She pauses and I wait for her to continue. She gets these tears in her eyes and I can feel my heart start to crumble, and there’s this tightness in my stomach.


“It’s like, I wasn’t myself.” No shit? “I know how that sounds all cliché and shit, but...it’s hard to explain.” She takes in a deep breath and then lets it out really slowly. Her eyes aren’t on me anymore like they had been when she started. She’s trying to find a way to tell me what was going on and I don’t think she can. “Ok, before I started to kiss you I was myself, but when I started touching you...it felt like something was possessing me, something was using me and making me be rough. I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t, and the only time I gained control again was when you stopped me. I would have stopped there, but I really needed you, and every time I tried to be gentle something would just come over me, take over me, and...I’m sorry, ok? I get that you’re pissed and I deserve it and a whole lot more. I’m so sorry. You know that I would never hurt you like that on my own right?” She looks at me with those big eyes that have this pleading look in them. I want to tell her yes, that I know she would never do that on purpose, but I have to be honest, even if the look she’s going to get on her face breaks my heart.


“Honestly? I don’t know anymore Faith.” Her face drops and she looks down at her fingernails again. “Faith, look at me.” She looks up and she has tears streaming down her face. I want to take her in my arms and kiss them away, but I can’t, not right now at least. “Things have been so crazy the last week or so. You’ve been dealing with a lot, and I know the Kennedy thing hit you hard and that you feel partly responsible.” She looks at me with surprise. Yeah Faith ‘cause I don’t know how you feel about that. She thinks I’m just so clueless. Maybe I need to die my hair brown, maybe then she’d give me more credit.


“But there’s other stuff going on with you too. Stuff that I don’t know about. Things from your past.” She looks away again, and I continue. I know that she’s listening so I don’t worry about being ignored. “I know it was horrible, I get that. I know that you’re having a hard time dealing with it now, for whatever reasons.” I stop because I don’t really know what to say. I see her bring her hand up to her face and she wipes her tears away and then wipes at her nose and sniffles.


“Who’s Billy?” She snaps her head up and looks at me with some shock. “Last night, when you were dreaming, you were calling out to someone named Billy. Who’s Billy?” She looks away from me. Her breathing is a lot harder now and I can see a vein in her neck start to stick out. She doesn’t say anything though, and even though I would really like to talk about it and get her to open up about her past right now, something she said in her explanation is really starting to bother me. “When you said that it felt like you were being possessed, do you mean like supernaturally possessed or some stuff from your past was catching up with you and you just sort of took it out on me?” She looks into my eyes and then she looks away while she thinks.


“Supernaturally.” I sigh a very small sigh of relief. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s horrible that something is doing that to her, but at least a supernatural problem can be taken care of almost right away and we do know one of the post powerful witches to ever exist so that helps. “It was like someone was trying to force their way inside me, to make me do things to you that I normally wouldn’t. When I bit down on you like that...I would never do that. I’m not some fuckin vampire, and you know that I always keep my nipping soft so I don’t hurt you.” I’m starting to connect a couple of dots here. The biting followed by the licking and the holding my arms above my head, and the way she was moving so fast and rough. I hope I’m wrong because if I’m not I’m going to be very, very pissed off.


“How do we find out who did it?” I’m mostly talking to myself. I have no idea how we’re supposed to figure this out. We could call Willow but I’m sure she’s busy with Kennedy and I don’t want to ruin that. But at the same time, something is after Faith and I want it to stop and right now. She has enough on her plate without having to deal with this too. I know, we’re slayers and we’re supposed to balance out the ‘having a normal life’ and ‘dealing with vamps and demons and crazy magic stuff’, but this is different. This is scary, it’s making her do things against her will, things that she would never do. I sigh again and run a hand through my hair.


“I’ll call Willow tomorrow, have her come over and see if she can get a read on whatever is going on. It might not happen again but I don’t want to chance it. We still have a lot to talk about, Faith. You know that right?” She nods her head yes and looks away from me. She wants to protect me from her past because she’s afraid that I won’t understand, and maybe I won’t necessarily understand every little thing and why they happened but I’ll try and I’ll help her and support her even if I don’t understand. “Let’s just go to bed now. I’m exhausted.”


We turn out the lights in the living room and kitchen and go into our bedroom. There’s still some tension between us, I can feel it and I know she does too. We change into our pajamas in silence, which is weird. I don’t like this tension at all. Usually there’s some playful banter about what we’re going to wear to bed. She always teases me because I still wear my yummy sushi pajamas, and my carebear pajamas, and my birthday cake pajamas. Ok, I have a lot of pajamas that are supposed to be for kids but they’re my size. So what? Anyway, we get into bed and turn out our lamps at the same time. That’s never happened before.


I can tell she needs me. I can tell she’s scared about what’s happening to her, that something might be trying to take her over to get me to. She needs comfort but I don’t think I can give it to her. I’m just as scared as she is. I’m afraid of losing her, I’m afraid for her, but at the same time I’m also afraid that if we do touch then whatever is trying to take her over will come back. Maybe I’m the trigger to this. Maybe it will wait until we’re touching and then make its move. We haven’t touched all day long so we can’t be sure. But she needs me and I would never deny her comfort when she truly needs it, not when the situation is this terrifying.


I scoot closer to her and wrap one arm around her waist and use the other to wrap it under her neck and down her chest and I hold her hand. She tenses up but I don’t let go. After a minute or two she relaxes and leans into my body. There are a couple of things that are still bothering me. About her past, about why she won’t tell me. We used to talk all the time, she used to ask me questioned about my past, about my life in Hemery, about what it is like before my father left us. I would tell her, even the painful memories that I’ve always kept inside, but then she stopped asking when I started asking about her. I guess she thinks that if she doesn’t ask then I won’t ask. And I haven’t for a long time. Sometimes when we go to the park she’ll watch the kids play and all of the mothers and fathers that are there too and she gets this sad look on her face. I’ll ask her what’s the matter but she says that everything is ok and for the rest of the time she wears this fake smile on her face.


I give her a small kiss at the bottom of her neck where her neck meets her shoulder. She tightens her grip on my hand a little and I squeeze back. My other hand is on her stomach and I’m absently rubbing soft circles with my thumb. My hand slips under her shirt a little bit and I continue the soft stroking. She seems to be relaxing a little more and that’s good. I don’t want her to feel afraid to touch me just because something is going on that she can’t control. I don’t want her to feel like she’s in this alone and that I won’t help her. I shift around a little bit to try and make myself a little more comfortable. She moves with me so we don’t break contact for a second. Now that I’ve stopped moving my hand is a little higher on her stomach and I feel the bottom of her bellybutton. I start to make slow soft circles around it and she tenses up and pulls away from me. She does that whenever I touch her bellybutton, what is it with her and not wanting me to touch there?


“What’s wrong?” I ask and open my eyes. Her back is still facing me but she’s moved a couple inches away. She doesn’t say anything and I sigh. I know I should be understanding, she probably went through hell as a child but I’m getting frustrated, and because I’m so frustrated it’s really hard to be understanding. I keep reaching out, I’m making an effort to try and help her and I’ve let her know that I’ll listen no matter what and that I won’t judge her for things that happened in her past, but she just keeps me away, she thickens her walls.


“I can’t help you unless you talk to me, and you’re probably not going to get any better unless you talk about it. I want to be the one that you open up to, I want to be the one to help you but if you don’t think I can, if you don’t think I’ll understand then maybe you should see a therapist or something.” I don’t sound angry like I thought I was going to. I sound…tired, and soft. I hear her sigh and sniffle a little bit. Then she rolls over and buries her face in my neck and wraps her arms around me and clings onto me like I’m a teddy bear. All I can do is rub her back and try to sooth her. I can feel her tears n my neck, I can feel her heavy breathing as she tries to calm herself down. I hate seeing her like this because it hurts so much. I hate feeling helpless, and that’s what I feel right now because nothing I do seems to be helping. “Please baby, I just wanna help you.” We’re quiet for a few minutes and then I feel her take in a really deep breath and let it out very slowly. Her muscles relax and I think she’s starting to fall asleep.


“It’s just…so hard.” Ok, so maybe she’s still awake after all. I continue to rub her back in small circles and apply a little bit of pressure with my fingers just how she likes whenever she’s upset and I’m comforting her. A rare thing but it still happens. In the last seven years whenever she gets upset she’ll go off and be by herself. She’ll take out her aggression on the punching bag or on the vampires and later on when she’s calm we’ll hold each other but she’s no longer in the need for comfort. So it’s rare that I ever do need to comfort her but I always do when she needs it, even if she doesn’t ask for it.


“I know it’s hard. Just take your time. I’m not rushing you or anything. I just want to know what’s been bothering you so bad lately. Start small, like, how come you don’t like it when I touch your bellybutton?” By the way she just sighed I have a feeling that isn’t starting small. But she doesn’t disagree or tense up or anything. I keep rubbing her back and I gently kiss her on the head and she takes in a deep breath. She nuzzles my neck with her nose. I let out a small sigh, I like it when she does that it feels nice.


“That’s a little complicated. It’s not that I don’t like you touching it, I don’t like it being touched by anyone.” She pauses and takes another deep breath. Her foot is starting to shake a little bit, she’s getting anxious and she’s starting to stress out. I continue to rub her back and I tighten my grip on her a little. It’s the only thing I can do to at the moment. “Back is Boston.” This sounds like the beginning of a long story, I’m not complaining or anything, I was just sort of hoping we’d start small since we’re both tired from last night’s and today’s events, that’s all. I relax a little more and prepare myself for the heavy emotions, I’m not going to stop her since she’s finally ready to open up, even if I am tired there’s no way I’m going to make her stop.


“I used to hang out with these kids, I was the baby of the group, they were all a couple years older then me, I was fourteen. We used to cause a little bit of trouble. We’d break windows and spray paint buildings, just kid stuff. One day at school I missed lunch ‘cause I got called to the principal’s office for clogging all of the water fountains with some paste I made outta flour and water. Anyway, I was hungry but didn’t have any money and there was never anything ta eat at my house so I started to walk around the busier sidewalks and picked some pockets. This guy caught me doin it to this college girl but he didn’t call me out on it. He asked if I’ve ever stolen anything more then just a couple bucks and I told him no. We sorta became friends after that. I guess that’s what you could call us. He was good at pickin out the people who carried a lota cash on them and I was good at stealin it so we worked as a team.” She pauses and takes another really deep breath. I hear her swallow hard and I’m assuming that this is the part that’s going to get really heavy with emotions.


“One day we were inna Star Bucks and I tried to get this guy’s wallet. I got distracted for a second and he caught me so me and Billy took off runnin’. A cop was chasing after us but we were faster then him ‘case we were smaller so it was easier for us to weave around all the people in the way. We hopped a fence and ran into this little shed lookin thing. It was small and dark and there wasn’t a whole lota room. I was nervous as hell, my hands were shakin a little bit. I grew up hangin around boys, and most of ‘em just saw me as another one of the guys, but Billy always look at me different. He noticed when my tits started growing and I started to fill out. And I’d never really been interested in boys in a sexual way. I figured that all of ‘em were dogs ‘cause my mom was always getting used. But Billy was different. He always took care of me. He always made sure that I had food to eat and he helped when I was hurtin from when my mom drank and shit.” She’s told me a little about her mom and from what I understand her mom was an alcoholic and very abusive.


“Anyways, we were sittin in this little shed, hiding from the cops, we’re really close to each other and I look up at him and look into his eyes and then he leaned down and he kissed me. I’d never been kissed before so it was new and a little weird but I liked it. I pulled back to catch my breath and then he leaned in and kissed me again. He moved closer and I felt his erection against my leg. I didn’t know what it was at the time so I jumped back. He told me not to be scared, that he’d take care of me, that he’d never let anything bad happen. He told me to just got with it.” That’s what she told me last night when she was being rough, I can still hear her voice ‘just got with it, B’. I try not to shudder. I stopped moving my hands a couple minutes ago and now we’re completely still as she tells me her story.


“He pulled off my shirt and started to kiss my breasts, he was so gentle, I’d never felt anything like it before. But I panicked and said that we should just leave, but he calmed me down and unzipped his pants. He told me he’d be gentle, and even though I was scared I didn’t fight against him, and he took off my jeans. I started to freak a little when he pulled at the waistband of my underwear and asked him about a condom like they talked about in health class, he told me he’d pull out right before so everything would be fine. I told him that it would hurt and there might be blood, he told me again that he’d be gentle. We started kissing again and he started pulling at my underwear a little bit. I pulled back and looked into his eyes and nodded my head. He pulled them down and scooted down my body a little so he could take ‘em all the way off. He left a little barely there kiss on my bellybutton, this little feather light touch.” Her voice was distant as she let the memory flood her mind. Then it became heavy and thick as she started to get overwhelmed.


“It hurt but I didn’t stop him and he pulled out right before he climaxed like he promised. He laid down next to me and I tried to get him to hold me but he got mad. No, not really mad, he just got…irritated? I don’t know, he gave me this ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ kinda look and then he got dressed. I thought I did something wrong, that I wasn’t any good. I asked him about it and he said: ‘yeah, you were real good. You were so fuckin tight. Maybe we'll do this again, but right now we gotta go, so get your ass dressed’. I couldn’t look at him after that, and he just left, said something about me walkin home by myself. I never saw him again.” She let out a sob and the tears were starting up again and running down her face and onto my neck. I can’t believe someone would just do that, and she was only fourteen, that must have been so hard for her. She sniffles really loudly and coughs a little bit. She leans more into my body, like she’s trying to mold into me or something. “I thought he cared, I thought he really fucking cared. He told me he’d always take care of me, he told me he wouldn’t let any of my mom’s boyfriends do anything bad to me. I felt so stupid, I felt like a fucking whore after he left because I let myself think that he loved me.”


Her walls finally crumble. She finally lets it all out. She starts sobbing very hard. Her entire body is shaking and she’s having a really hard time breathing. I’m doing the best I can to calm her down but I know that she needs to get all of this out so I just let her cry against me. I can’t help but tear up as well. I try to hold mine back because I need to be strong for her, but it’s really hard, and I don’t think I can. Seeing her like this, hearing her sobs, feeling her shake against me as she lets go of the pain that she’s been holing in for so long…it’s overwhelming, but I’m glad that it’s finally happened because now, hopefully, she’ll be able to breathe a little easier.


FPOV


I wake up feeling like for the first time in a long I could breathe. I stretch out and something’s wrong. I can’t tell what because I am in no way a morning person and because of last night I’m exhausted as hell. I don’t open my eyes when I feel movement on the bed because I know it’s just B stretching out too. At least I think it’s Buffy, I don’t know it’s still too early. I feel something pressing on my shoulders, what the hell? It’s too early to be up, I can tell. My brain doesn’t want to work right now, I just wanna go back to sleep. Just because I feel like I can breathe doesn’t mean I’m all refreshed and energized. I flutter my eyes open and see two huge brown eyes staring at me an inch and half away from my face. All of that breath I was talking about having leaves my body as I scream.


“Oh my God! Holy Shit!” I jump back so that I’m sitting in the middle of the bed. I put a hand on my chest as I try to control my breathing. Mattie runs from the room, crying and calling out for Buffy. My heart is pouting a million beats a minute and I can’t hear anything but the blood rushing through my veins. I look over at the open door and see Buffy walk in, holding Mattie who has his face buried in her neck. She’s rubbing his back and trying to calm him down.


“Faith, you scared him.” What! What kind of shit is that? I mean, I feel bad for scaring him, don’t get me wrong, but she doesn’t have any sympathy for me. He almost gave me a heart attack. Now he’s sucking up to her and getting her to be mean to me. That kid clever, I’ll give him that. He always gets me into trouble that way. We’re like best buds and whatnot but he tells on me whenever he can. Sometimes having a kid sucks a lot because they get you in trouble with your woman.


“I scared him? He scared me! I feel like I’m about to have a heart attack.” She rolls her eyes and gives him a little kiss on the temple. She whispers something into his ear but I don’t hear what she said because my heart is still pumping too fast. My breathing is starting to slow down a little which is good because I’m starting to feel lightheaded. I think I might pass out. She puts him down and he runs out of the room. She smiles and runs up to the bed. She jumps up and lands on her knees and bounces a little bit. She’s acting like a total kid and it’s cute to see. She gets into these moods sometimes, and I know exactly what she wants. Her smile changes a little, it isn’t as innocent as she crawls her way up the bed making sure to bend just right so I can see down her shirt. She sits in my lap and rests her head on my shoulder. She starts toying with the collar of my shirt, running her index finger along the top of it and passing over my cleavage. Yep, I know exactly what she wants.


“Faithy.” Oh yeah, she’s definitely trying to butter me up. Well keep trying baby-girl because it isn’t going to happen, not this time. “Dawn agreed to watch Mattie for us. She’s going to take him over to her house so he can play with Kyle’s niece.” She’s good, very sneaky. She’s using two fingers now and they’re lightly brushing against the tops of my breasts. I can feel my face start to blush a little bit. She knows exactly what she’s doing to me, and there’s nothing I can do to make it stop. I’m nothing but clay to be molded in her slender hands. “Giles sent us a check, lets go cash it. I want you to go shopping with me. It’ll be fun. Please, Faithy.” She’s begging and she’s shifting in my lap a little bit. I force my hips to stay still.


“Baby, I’m still feeling a little tired. Can we just stay home today?” Now that she’s gotten me all hot and bothered and I really don’t want to leave this room. She lifts her head up and looks into my eyes. She smiles this devilish smile and claims my lips with her own. I kiss her back, it’s slow, and soft and it’s starting to grow in passion. My hands work their way up the back of her shirt and I start to massage her warm skin. I moan when I feel her start to lightly squeeze one of my breasts. She pulls back and is panting a little. She rests her forehead on mine. I lightly nip at her bottom lip and she pulls back, just out of reach. Then the little fox starts to tease. She lightly brushes her lips up against mine but when I try to kiss her back she pulls away a little. This goes on for a minute or two until we’re interrupted.


“That’s gross.” We hear the voice from the door and we both roll our eyes. I wrap my arms around Buffy’s waist to keep her there and she turns in my lap so she can look back towards the door. “Are you going to go shopping or not? Because I’m not taking Matthew to my house so you two can have sex.” I get along with Dawn, and she’s like a little sister to me but there are times I really just want to strangle her. Like right now for instance. Buffy must glare at her or something, and I know I probably am. I’m not really paying attention to my facial expression at the moment because one of Buffy’s hands has snuck its way up my shirt on the side that Dawn can’t see because Buffy’s body is blocking the view, and she’s softly teasing the side of my breast with her thumb, moving tantalizingly slow towards my nipple.


“Alright fine I’ll take him. What time do you want him home tomorrow?” I stop paying attention to the conversation because Buffy’s thumb is teasing my areola. The skin gets painfully tight and I can feel my wetness growing. Dawn better leave soon or she’s going to get a show that she’d rather not see. I see Dawn leave and as soon as the door is closed I flip Buffy over onto her back and start to quickly kiss her. She thinks she can tease and get away with it? I think not. She’s grinding against me slowly and it’s driving me crazy. I pull back so we can breathe and the bedroom door opens. Mattie runs up and jumps on the bed. He’s laughing and pretending to cough and look grossed out. I grab him and hold him up in the air and shake him a little bit. He starts cracking up and I fall onto my back, still holding him in the air. I lift my feet up and rest his belly on the bottoms of them and hold onto his arms so he doesn’t fall. I wiggle my toes so they tickle him and he starts laughing again.


“Mama,” he says around his laughter. I love his voice when he tries not to laugh, it’s so cute. God, I really have gone soft, haven’t I? “Aunt Dawn’s waitin for me. She said that we’re gonna have ice cream and watch movies and stay up late.” Sounds like a plan to me. I look over at Buffy and she doesn’t look too happy about the plan. I roll my eyes. Dawn’s his aunt she’s supposed to spoil him that’s what aunts are for. I wiggle my toes some more and he starts laughing again. Buffy snuggles up close to me so she can see his face better. We both smile at him as he laughs and squirms around, trying to get away, but I have a good hold on him. Yep, we did good, damn good. He’s going to be very handsome when he gets older. A little heartbreaker, he does look mostly like me after all. The little girlies will be all over him. I stop tickling him and carefully let go of his arms and quickly grab onto his sides so he doesn’t fall. I lift him up and put him down so he’s sitting on my stomach, one leg on each side.


“You be good for your aunt Dawn, ok?” Buffy tells him and he nods his head. But then he looks over at me and I give him a little wink. He smiles and then leans down and wraps him arms around my neck in a big hug. I wrap my arms around him and then he pulls back. He gets off of me and crawls off of the bed. B and me get up too and follow him out to the living room where Dawn is waiting. We give him some more hugs and some kisses goodbye, he waves as he walks out the door and then Dawn helps him strap up the booster seat in the backseat of her car. He looks at us through the car window and waves one last time as she drives off. I turn to Buffy and smile. I lean in and place a gentle kiss on her lips. She responds and we start making-out a little here on the front porch. But then I get a great idea. I pull back really fast and before she knows what’s going on I’m back in the house and the front door is locked.


As I run off to the bedroom I can hear her yelling at me and pounding on the front door. I smile a wicked smile and go over to the closet. After that one night when I bought that lace bra and panties I took a little trip back to the store and picked up some other things. I remembered what she wanted me to wear. We went shopping about two weeks after that night and I acted like I didn’t want to go, made a big fit out it. She dragged me into the Victoria’s Secret so she could pick up some things for herself. We browsed around for a little and she kept making comments like ‘you’d look so sexy in this Faith’ or ‘hmm, just the thought of you in this makes me want to eat you up’. So I went back to the store and bought some of the things. And she must really like me in red because ninety percent of everything she commented on was red. And what really got her juices flowing was this little red lace babydoll.


I slip out of my shirt and toss it onto the chair. I slip into the garment and smile a little. I walk over to the vanity and tease my hair a little and run my fingers through it so it doesn’t look as nappy. I close the curtains and leave the room. I throw on my bathrobe and go out into the living room. She’s still pounding on the door. I close the curtains on the big front window and it becomes really dark in the room. I walk over to the door and put on hand around the knob. I put my other hand on the switch to the deadbolt. I smiled a little. She calmed down a little when she felt my presence.


“Buffy, wait fifteen seconds and then walk to the bedroom, I have a surprise.” I say the word ‘surprise’ in a singsong voice. I run off towards the bedroom and close the door. I light a couple of the candles and blow out the match, and then I lay down in the middle of the bed. I lay on my side so I can see the door. I have my right thigh slightly crossed over the left. My right calf is on top of left with my right foot pointed back. I’m propping my head in my left hand, the right one is resting on my hip as I wait for her to walk into the room. I hear her open and then close the front door. She walks through the living room and then over the linoleum of the kitchen and then she’s walking down the hall. As she gets closer to the bedroom door she slows down. The door slowly opens and she gasps when she sees me. She just stands there staring at my body. I feel myself growing wet as she eyes me up and down. I smile a very satisfied smile and I flutter my eyelashes a little.


“You like?” I ask and my voice snaps her out of the little daze she was in. I start to laugh as she lunges at the bed. I lay on my back and she’s above me, on her hands and knees so she can look down at my body. I can smell her arousal, and the animalistic look in her eyes. She wants me, she wants me bad and I’m ready for her. I want her just as badly as she wants me, possibly even more. I reach out and wrap my hand on the back of her neck and gently pull her lips down to mine. We kiss deeply and she eases her body down on top of mine. She starts grinding against me, I can feel her heat on me, and the smell is taking over the room.


I pull back to catch my breath and she’s panting as hard as I am. She’s still grinding herself against me, craving friction, needing my touch. I kiss her again and while our eyes are closed and our tongues swirl together I slowly let my hand wonder down her torso, barely touching her flesh as it makes it way down her hot body. I gently scrape the back of my fingernails over her scorching skin. I turn my hand around and gently stroke her abdomen. My fingertips leave little butterfly touches as they go lower. She moans against my mouth as I slowly go passed the elastic of her panties. I gently run my fingers through her curls and she grinds against my hand, trying to gain some type of friction. I smile and pull back from the kiss. I leave soft little love bites on her throat and at the same time I barely rub her slit with my middle finger, I spread her wetness around a little and she moans. I use my thumb and index finger to spread her lips apart. I use my middle finger to gently stroke her clit. She hisses in a breath and bucks her hips against me.


Then I feel it, in the back of my mind. It’s like a little black cloud on a nice clear day. Very small at first and nobody notices it. But then it gets bigger and bigger and bigger and everyone is running for cover as the rain pours down. Only instead of it raining, and instead of us trying to run for cover, I’m holding her down against the bed, biting her neck hard enough to draw a little blood. She’s screaming for me to stop, begging me to get off of her but I can’t. The cloud is taking over, it’s pushing me back and forcing me to stay as it uses my body to hurt my girl. She can’t hear it but I’m screaming. I’m fighting as hard as I can to get my control back, to get my body back but it’s too strong.


I try to stop my hands from moving as they hold her arms above her head. I can see my hands moving as they cross Buffy’s wrist over one another. I reach over against my will and grab the silk scarves out of the drawer. The cloud ties her hands together and then to the bed. I can feel my thigh pressed up against her sex and she’s screaming louder and trying to kick me off. I feel the cloud weaken for just a fraction, just a tiny little fraction of a second. I look into her fear filled eyes and then lift my lower body off of the bed a little bit. She takes the opportunity like I knew she would, and she puts her feet on my stomach and she pushes quickly upward and I go flying across the room. I land hard against the wall. I feel the plaster crack and large dent is left. I slide down the wall and land on the floor. Now that I’m not touching her anymore the cloud is gone and I’m back in control.


I don’t stand up, I don’t move, I don’t say a word. I just sit there, staring at her as she breaks the scarves and gets off of the bed. She’s looking at me not with hatred, not with anger or pain or betrayal, but with sympathy, with worry and fear. Not fear because of me but fear for me. I don’t deserve that, I don’t deserve her at all, and I know that now. I’m not strong enough to keep her safe, I don’t deserve to be around her. She starts to walk towards me, slowly and cautiously like she’s walking up to a rabid animal that looks like it’s going to strike. She’s six feet away from me still walking closer. I can’t let that happen, I can’t let her get too close. I stand up and she doesn’t flinch like I thought she was going to do. She tires to get closer, but I don’t let her.


“Don’t. Stay away. Stay away from me, it isn’t safe.” She reaches out to touch me but I pull away from her. She looks hurt, rejected, and it’s breaking my heart but I can’t let her touch me, I just can’t or else the cloud will take over again. I leave the room when I see the tears forming in her eyes. I can’t look at her when she’s about to cry because my resolve will crumble. I go into the training room and lock the door behind me. I sit down on the couch and run my hands through my hair. I rest my elbows on my knees and I stare down at the floor. I let the tears fall and they land in between my feet.


I sniffle loudly and look up towards the ceiling. Why is this happening to me? Is this my payment? Is this my punishment for killing those people? For trying to kill Buffy and her friends and family? Do I deserve this? I’ve been good, I’ve reformed, and now that I’m happy, finally happy and have everything that I could possibly want: a loving girlfriend, a beautiful baby, a nice house, love and compassion and family. I have people who care about me, so it just makes perfect sense that my punishment is the fates ripping that all away from me. Now that I know what it’s like to love and what it’s like to be loved…I don’t think I can live without it. I can’t go on like this, there’s no way that I’ll survive. I need Buffy in my life, I need my son and even though I know it would probably be better for me to stay away I don’t think I can.


Then I feel it, it’s not just a phantom it’s the actual thing. I feel the crack of a belt against my back. I scream out and fall forward off of the couch. I lay face down on the floor and try to breathe. What the hell was that? I’m the only one in here, how did that happen? I reach back and feel the mark. There’s a fucking mark! I pull my hand back and look at it, there’s a little bit of blood on my fingers. I stand up and take a look around. I let my slayer senses roam and there’s definitely something in here, I just can’t see it. But ghosts can’t hurt people, can they? And I don’t think this house is haunted. Willow checked out the history of it before we moved into it, and she didn’t find anything wrong. I feel something hit me in the face, and I know exactly what it was. It was the back of someone’s hand. I fall to the floor and I feel the blood start to escape out the little cut on my cheek. A tiny cut left from a ring. This can’t be happening, this isn’t happening. If I just ignore it it’ll go away.


“Fuck!” I scream out when I feel the belt on my back. The metal buckle hit between my shoulder blades. I jump forward and turn around to see what hit me but there’s nothing there. This is really starting to freak me out. I scream again when I feel the belt hit the back of my leg. What the hell is happening? I’m backing up, looking around trying to find what’s hitting me. But there’s nothing. I can feel the black cloud from before, it’s in the room lurking around but I can’t get a read on its exact location. It’s everywhere, suffocating me, making me feel weak like I’m nothing, just like how I used to feel back in Boston. I feel the belt hit me again, across my claves this time. I fall to the floor and I take a couple of deep breaths and then I stand up, limping a little. I remember this. This isn’t random by any means. This isn’t just some attack from an evil spirit. This is a memory coming to life to haunt me, to punish me for everything I’ve done.


“You were gone all night. Where were you?” What the hell? I can hear her voice like I did before when I took out the punching bag only it’s not just in my head and it’s echoing off of the room’s walls. It’s real and it’s yelling at me, just like it did all those years ago. I feel another whip with the belt across the small of my back. I cry out and turn around still searching even though I know I won’t find anything. Why? Why? Why is this happening? What is happening? “Where you out getting fucked! Answer me you filthy whore!” I feel a punch to the face and I fall to the ground. I curl up in a tight ball. I feel her kicking my back, I feel her beating me with the belt. This is just the phantom pain, it’s real and I’m screaming and crying and begging her to stop. But she doesn’t, just like she never did before. I feel the blood running down my skin, feel the welts forming as she continues to beat me.


“You did this to me! This is all your fault! Get up, Faith. Stand up and take it like the fucking whore you are!” More whips from the belt, more kicks to my back. All I can do is sit here and take it like the whore that I am. That’s all I am, that’s all I’ll ever be. I turned into one the second I let Billy touch me. I’m a whore, I’m bad, and I deserve everything that I’m getting. I feel her grab a handful of my hair and lift me up off of the floor. I scream and grab onto her hand and try to pry her fingers apart but I can’t. She throws me onto the couch, my upper body are on the cushions, my thighs are pressed up against the front of it, my knees are on the floor and she’s whopping my ass with the belt, over and over and over. I’m screaming, and the tears are coming out non-stop until I go numb. Then it stops. I can still feel the presence, it’s lingering around, but it’s staying still. I fall to the ground and curl up into a ball. I hear the door fly open and smash against the wall.


“Oh my God. Faith, what happened?” I hear Buffy say and she kneels down next to me. I feel her touch my shoulder but I pull away. She can’t touch me, I can’t let her touch me, not after what happened in the bedroom, not after what I did. I’m bad, I’m worthless. I’m nothing but a whore. I can hear Buffy start to cry and I try to fight against her as she lifts me up off of the ground but I can’t, I’m too weak from the beating and the mental exhaustion to fight back. She takes me into our bedroom and lays me down on the bed. She reaches over to my nightstand and picks up the cordless phone. I roll away from her, I try to get out of her reach but she won’t let me. She gently runs her fingertips along the cut on my cheek and I keep my eyes closed.


“You don’t deserve her.” The voice is back, her voice is back and it’s taunting me. This is no longer a memory but it’s still part of the punishment. I open my eyes and look around. I don’t see anything except Buffy. I can see her lips moving but I can’t hear what she’s saying, all I can hear is the voice whispering into my ear. “She’s so much better then you, she deserves more then you. She deserves something good and pure, something worthwhile. Not trash, not you. What do you have to offer her? What does a whore have to offer a sweet girl like her? You’re bad Faith, you always have been and you always will be. Say it Faith, say that you’re bad.”


“I’m bad,” I whisper and Buffy hears it. She leans down and places a soft kiss on my forehead. “I’m bad, I’m bad, I’m bad. I’m just a whore. I’m not worthwhile. I’m bad, I’m bad, I’m bad.” I’m still crying and I feel so very weak. I hear Buffy hang up the phone and put it back in the cradle. She lies down next to me and gives me another kiss on the forehead. “Don’t touch me. I’m trash, I’m a whore.” I hear her take in a deep breath. Her fingertips are softly rubbing the side of my face that isn’t bruised. I flinch at the touch and try to pull away. She scoots in closer so that we’re touching. Her touch is comforting. Her presence is making me feel a little better. I can feel my slayer healing start to take affect, and the pain goes down significantly.


“No Faith, you’re not trash, you’re not a whore. You’re mine, and I’m not going to let anything else happen to you. I’m not going to let this thing just take you away from me. I love you Faith, you have to believe that. You deserve me and I deserve you. You’re good now. You have been for a long time. Try and get some rest. Willow’s on her way over and she’s going to help us figure this out. Please baby, go back to sleep. I’ll be right here, I’ll protect you. I promise.” I allow myself to give into the exhaustion that I had been fighting against. Her gentle touches and soft voice lead the way and soon I’m in a deep sleep.


When I wake up it’s dark outside. It has to be otherwise I wouldn’t be getting the tingles in the back of my neck telling me that a vampire is in the house. I open my eyes and look around. My still in my bedroom on my bed, but I’m alone. I can hear the voices of the people outside but I can’t understand what they’re saying because they’re too far away. Must be in the living room or something. I’m not in pain anymore. The slayer healing took care of that. I can still feel the presence of the cloud or whatever the hell it is. It’s lingering, waiting for me and I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt Buffy again. I’m bad enough already without corrupting her.


I get up and open the door. I walk down the hall and see that they’re in the living room. Buffy, Angel, Willow and Kennedy. Buffy looks pissed, really, really pissed. Angel looks solemn but that’s usual. Willow looks worried and so does Kennedy. I wonder what they’re talking about. Is something going on? Is there a new big bad in town or something? My bare feet touch the cold linoleum and I shiver. I sit down at the kitchen table and watch as they talk. They still haven’t noticed me, which is fine because I don’t deserve their time. I see that Buffy is dressed in jeans and t-shirt. I look down at myself and shake my head. She changed me out of the babydoll and into a white wife beater and red boxers. She didn’t have to do that, she should have just left me in what I was wearing. It suits me, after all. Isn’t that what dirty whores usually wear?


“I’m sorry Buffy.” Angel says and I start to pay attention to the conversation. Something has her pissed off and I want to know what. “I was going to tell you but you had enough on your plate. I thought that we could take care of them before anything like this happened.” He goes to say something else but she cuts him off. Her voice is tight, strained and very irritated.


“And now they’re going after Faith. They’re doing things to her, Angel. They’re taking over her body. She won’t even let me touch her because she’s afraid she’s going to hurt me.” And I will. I’m bad and all I do is bring pain and misery everywhere I go. There’s no stopping it, it’s just what I do. All I do is cause pain and fuck, that’s all I know, it’s all I’m good at.


“You’re a waste of time Faith. Do you honestly think that they should be helping you right now? Why should they help you when all you’re going to do is hurt them? It’s ridiculous.” The voice is back and it’s whispering into my ear again. I seem to be the only one that can hear it because no one is reacting to it. I shake my head. That isn’t true. I help them, I do bring them happiness. I have before and I can again. I gave Buffy a son, that’s one of the best things that I could ever do. “It’s the only good thing that you’ll ever do. You’ve done your part and now that you’re purpose has been served you’re nothing. Just a dirty, selfish little girl that deserves to be locked in a room and beaten for the rest of her life.” No, it’s not true, it can’t be true. But deep down, I know it is. It’s true and sooner or later I’m going to have to face it. Buffy finally notices me. She gets up from her seat and walks over to me. She kneels down in front of me and puts her hand on my knee. I scoot the chair back and stand up. She doesn’t need to touch me, I’ll just hurt her again.


“Faith, we found out what’s going on. It isn’t you, baby. There are these demons that have come into town, they’re casting a spell on you, Faith. Because you’re one of the original slayers, we’re stronger then the others. They’re trying to drive you insane, Faith, and you can’t let them. You have to fight it, because if you give in to what’s going on then they’ll kill you and they’ll use the power that they gain from consuming the slayer part of you to take over the world.”


“That’s not true. This is happening because you deserve it. It’s your punishment for doing all of those evil things. You tried to kill her, you tried to rape her, that was all you.” I shake my head. I try to make the voice go way but it keeps on talking. It keeps telling me that I’m no good, that I deserve what’s going on. Even if I do believe it I have to fight it. I have to fight it because Buffy’s telling me to, and I’d do anything for her.


“Shut up.” I say out load and they all look confused. The voice keeps talking, keeps taunting me. I start to look around, searching for the source. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!” I punch the nearest wall because I can’t take it anymore. I start to break down again and I slide to the floor. Buffy wraps her arms around me and I let her, even though I know it’s a bad idea. The others seem to think so too because they tense.


“Um, Buffy?” Willow says in a timid voice. Buffy must’ve yelled at them earlier or something or else she wouldn’t be hesitant to say what’s on her mind. “I don’t think you touching Faith right now is the best idea. I mean, you are the trigger to whatever is going on. It could take over right now and try to kill you.” No Red it doesn’t try to kill her it tries to rape her. I don’t know why it does that, I think I wouldn’t feel as bad if it were trying to make me kill her. In my opinion rape is worst then murder maybe that’s why. Maybe it’s gotten inside of my head and it knows how I feel about rape and it’s using it against me. I can feel the cloud getting stronger. It’s not inside my mind but it’s surrounding me making it hard to breathe. Buffy must agree with Red or something because she loosens her grip on me. She doesn’t fully let go but it’s just enough and the cloud takes the opportunity.


It grabs me my by upper arm and drags me over to the couch. It throws me over the back of it and I feel the belt on me again. The buckle of it is smacking really hard against me but I don’t cry out. I bite my bottom lip so hard that it starts to bleed but I refuse to vocalize my pain, I won’t give her that satisfaction. I remember this as well, too well and the tears are streaming down my face because I know what’s coming next and there’s nothing that I can do to stop it. Everyone is standing on the other side of the living room now looking on with fear and confusion. Buffy is trying to get to me but something is keeping her away, like some type of barrier has surrounded me and all they can do is watch as the memory manifests.


“Scream you fucking whore! Scream like you do for the boys that fuck you!” I don’t scream, I keep it all in because I’m not going to let her hear me cry. I’m not going to beg for her to stop, I’m just going to sit here and take it. Maybe if she sees that I’m done screaming for her she’ll stop and she won’t beat me anymore. She grabs me by my hair again and throws me up against the wall. She starts swinging with the belt, hitting me mostly in the face and chest but a couple of awkward swings hit me in the stomach and the legs. I still don’t cry out even though the pain is almost blinding.


She’s getting really angry now. I feel her grab onto my arm and lift me up. She’s holding onto me as she whips the belt across my back. Tears are streaming down my face full force but I still haven’t screamed, still haven’t cried out for her to stop. She drops the belt and reaches back and before I can move she’s smashed and empty beer bottle over my head. I can feel the glass dig into my scalp, feel the blood start to run down the back of my head and dampen my clothes as it run down my back. She hits be a couple more times with the belt and then I finally scream. I finally let out an ear piercing scream as she grabs onto my hair right over the spot where she hit me with the bottle. She keeps hitting me with the belt and I feel her knee me really hard in the stomach. The wind is knocked out of me and she lets me fall to the floor, then she just leaves me there.


I hear something fall at my side and I look up through swallow eyes to see Buffy kneeling down next to me. She’s crying really hard and I can tell she wants to touch me, she wants to wrap me up in her arms and kiss the pain away but she can’t. She knows that if she does then it’ll come back and something else could happen. I see Angel walk up behind her and wrap his arms around her. He gently pulls her up off of the floor and holds her to his chest, trying to comfort her. If I weren’t so beat up right now I’d probably be jealous, but since I can’t touch her I’m just glad that he’s doing his best to calm her down. I see Kennedy walk over and gently pick me up. I guess it’s ok for her to touch me because she’s not Buffy.


She takes me into the spare bedroom and gently lays me down on the bed. Willow follows closely behind although I don’t know why. I’m sure Kennedy is just going to clean up some of the blood, no need for Red to be in here to see that. Kennedy is sitting behind me and gently holds my hip and arm so that I’m lying on my left side because that isn’t as damaged as the rest of me. Willow walks up and stands in front of me. I avoid looking into her eyes, I just want to be left alone. She places one hand over my heart and the other on my stomach so that her palm is pressed up against my bellybutton. I wince in pain but she doesn’t ease up.


Then there’s like this warm breeze, and the room fills with this light glowing energy. I feel myself being lifted off of the bed but nothing is touching me except for Willow’s hands that are still on my chest and stomach. I feel the warm breeze go inside of me, I don’t know where it’s like...my skin is absorbing it or something. I can feel all of my wounds start to close up. The glass falls out of my scalp and lands on the bed, I can hear it fall piece by piece. I open my eyes and look over at Willow. Her hair and eyes are completely white and she’s focusing on my stomach. It’s sort of creepy to see, ok it’s really creepy but she’s helping me so I’m not going to complain.


I linger in the air for a couple of seconds after I feel that I’m all better. I guess she’s trying to do something else, like a protection spell or something, I have no clue. Whatever she’s trying to do doesn’t work though because there’s like this bolt of lightening that happens between her hands and my body and we both go flying back. I slam against Kennedy’s body and she slams up against the wall. Willow landed on the wall on the other side of the room, her rose is bleeding and she’s holding her head. What the hell was that? I jump up off of the floor and Kennedy does the same. She runs over to Willow and pulls the redhead into her arms and gently rocks back and forth, I guess Willow is crying or something. I step forward but Kennedy looks back and nods her head towards the door. I walk out without saying a word. It’s probably best not to make any noise if Willow’s head is hurtin so bad. When I walk out into the living room Buffy is still pretty upset but now she’s on the phone. She’s putting together a team of slayers and I’m not liking this at all. I go to say something but Angel starts talking first. I hate it when people interrupt me like that.


“There’s a cult of demons after you Faith. They’re strong but can be taken down. You have to let her do this or you won’t survive. If they kill you it’s all over for you, for us, the entire world.” I lowered my head and looked down at my feet. This sucks, I hate this more then anything. It’s one thing to have to keep my hands off of Buffy, but to not be able to help her fight. I know that’s why she’s putting together a team. So far I’ve heard her list six names. She’s calling in as many as she can get to make up for the lack of experience with brute force. I look up at him and he has this sympathetic look in his eyes even though he’s staying completely blanked face.


“What do they want from me? Why me?” He takes an unneeded breath of air and then lets it out real slow. I hate it when he fucking does that. He back up a little bit and goes to sit down on the arm of the couch but Buffy throws him a glare so he sit down on the cushion. I would laugh if I weren’t so fucking worried right now. Buffy hangs up the phone, there’s a notebook in her lap and a pen in her hand. She must’ve called Giles and gotten a list of all the slayers that live nearby and now she’s going to call all of them and tell them that they’re needed. I hate feeling useless.


“They want the power of the slayer.” I look over at him like he’s on crack. That doesn’t explain shit, well not really. There are hundreds of little slayers running around all over the place, most of them are probably more vulnerable then me. “If Willow hadn’t cast that spell seven years ago to call all of the potentials then you would have been the one to pass on the power to the next girl. The power, the essence of the slayer still lives inside you, it’s stronger in you then it is in all of the others. If these demons can weaken you enough to kill you, they can contain that power and use it for themselves. If they get it it’ll make them strong enough to take over...everything. No slayer will be able to stop them, no other demon will be able to kill them. They’ll be indestructible.” I sigh heavily, so that’s why I can’t go with her. It’s not about being around her and hurting her. It’s keeping me safe so I don’t die.


“But what’s happening to me? How are they doin those things?” He sighs again and I have a strong fuckin urge to punch him in the head but I control myself. We both look over when Buffy raises her voice. She yells at the person she’s talking to, saying that she doesn’t care if it’s her third wedding anniversary she’s is to be here in two hours or Buffy will hunt her down and beat her. I smile a very small smile. That’s my girl, always the little commander. I look over at Angel and he has a smirk too. I narrow my eyes at him and he makes the smile go away. He clears his throat and then continues.


“They’re using your insecurities against you. All of the pain from your past. I know your mother beat you a lot, you were crying out in your sleep. But what they’re doing is taking all of the worst ones, not just physically bad but emotionally as well. All of these particular beatings have some deeper meaning, and they’re using it to get to you, to break you down to bring up all of those feelings of weakness and self-hatred that you felt and instilling them in you now. They don’t just need you physically weak to perform the ritual to get your power, they need you emotionally and psychologically weak, they need you to want to end it, to want to give up, that way there won’t be any type of resistance when they try to kill you.” Dammit, I hate it when people mind-fuck me. They get inside your head and make you believe things, and I can’t believe I actually let them. Earlier I was thinking that I’m just a whore, that I’m bad and dirty? How could I be so dumb, why didn’t I know that’s what they wanted me to think? “If you go there and try to fight what you’ve been experiencing will increase by tenfold. The pain will be worst, the voices will be louder, it’ll be like experiencing the memories only amplified. It’d be better for everyone, including you, if you just stay here.”


“Ok.” Buffy put the phone down and walked over to us. “I have seven slayers coming here, they’ll be here within two hours. Willow and Angel are going to stay here with you, Dawn said she’d keep Matthew longer in case we don’t kill them by noon tomorrow. There’s dinner in the fridge, just heat it up in the microwave, I have a load of clothes in the dryer so take those out for me when it’s done. I’m going to do a quick patrol, I’ll be back in a little while.” She’s rushing to speak and gathering up her stuff at the same time because she knows I’m not going to let her leave. I get up off of the couch and gently hold onto her upper arm. She looks into my eyes, there’s sympathy in hers along with this need to hunt, she needs to get out and work off the tension, but she can’t. I can’t let her go out there alone when there are these wicked strong demons working some evil mojo, she could get hurt or killed.


“No B, you can’t go patrolling. They might kill you to get to me and I’m not gonna let that happen. So just sit tight and wait for the little slayers to get here.” She tries to say something but I interrupt her. I may hate it when people do it to me but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to do it to them. At least when I need to. “No. I won’t let you leave. You’re not going to get hurt because of me, I’m not worth it. So put your stuff back and sit down at the table. I’m kinda hungry and I want to have dinner with my girl.” I smile a sweet smile, I can almost taste the sugar in my mouth. She kind of rolls her eyes a little and gets really serious. She lets her coat and stake fall to the floor and then puts her hands on my hips. Probably not a good idea but we both need this.


“Faith, don’t ever talk about yourself like that again. You are so worth it. Right now I’d probably be nothing without you. Well, I would be something, but I wouldn’t be this happy, this fulfilled. You’ve given me so much, a great life, a son. I could never ask for more because I have everything that I could ever want and it’s all because of you. I’ll eat dinner with you but I need to patrol, ok?” She pouts a little bit and I can’t resist that. I agree with her and she puts her coat and stake back. I heat up the food that she had cooked, I guess she hadn’t planned on me waking up to find her still here. I scoop out the spaghetti onto two plates and grab a couple forks and set them down at the table.


She starts to eat in this little seductive matter that she knows just drives me insane. She twirls some of the noodles onto the fork and slowly brings it up to her mouth. She looks up at me through her eyelids and then slowly wraps her lips around the noddles and slowly pulls the fork away and then makes this little moaning sound, like just eating the food is giving her sexual pleasure. How can just watching someone eat get somebody hot? I don’t know how but it’s getting me very hot and bother. When we’re done eating she cleans up the dishes and I have to force myself not to touch her because I know that the smallest touch between us will escalate and I’ll end up hurting her again.


The other slayers got there before she could leave. They were all wicked early and she was surprised because she had gotten a little bit of resistance from some of them. Just looking at their faces I can tell which ones don’t want to be here. Even though it’s against my better judgement I grab Buffy by the upper arm before she can go and give her a soldering kiss. She kisses me back but she cuts it short before we get too involved. She leaves one last chaste kiss on my lips before heading out to fight a battle that she shouldn’t have to fight.