Hold Me Thrill Me Kiss Me Kill Me

Xander had ended up staying with Spike for three nights before going back home. It had been a very strange feeling, as if he was living with a large cat that at any moment could attack you but you know it wouldn’t because for some reason it likes you. He was reminded of those storybooks Willow would read to him and Jesse about the lion that could be good but was never tame.

Spike had gone out and hunted each night and, while Xander was bothered by it, he wasn’t bothered enough. Which in itself was something to freak out about. On one hand, he really didn’t want anyone innocent to die. On the other hand, he knew Spike was a predator and had to eat too. The cows probably didn’t like the guys leading them to the slaughterhouse, either.

Then his brain sent him images of one heifer being called in every generation to protect the herd and Xander decided everything was better if he did that military kind of thing. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Because the image of a human-slaying cow was just too weird for words. Bessie the human slayer. Weird.

He actually missed Spike. Which Xander really tried not to because he wasn’t supposed to be friends with the bad guy, and Spike had never said that he wasn’t the bad guy. The only reason Xander figured Spike helped him at all was because he was lonely without Drusilla.

What Xander still didn’t understand was why he’d told Spike things about his life and what he was feeling when he hadn’t even talked to Willow about it. The second night he’d confided in the vampire about Jesse, about the feelings of guilt that still would threaten to overwhelm him.

In return, Spike told him all about Drusilla. Not just the maiming and killing part, but about the woman who had talked to the stars and saw beauty in her world of darkness despite the fact that she had been driven insane. Tea parties and dancing in the moonlight.

The only thing he could think of was that they were acting like some sort of grief counselors for each other. All he could say was that he didn’t think he could ever stake Spike, and he didn’t think the vampire would ever try to kill him. Other than that, he pretty much decided not to think about it anymore; it made his head hurt.

Today, though, he was going to get some answers. Giles was back and he was hoping he could talk to the man about…well, just about things. Things that really had to do with Spike. Like dreams. He really didn’t want to tell about Spike, not yet, at least. Still, he wanted to learn more about the vampire, and hoped that he could at least figure out where Giles’ books were so he could sneak a peek in the future.

It was evening but the sky was still bright and Xander couldn’t help but wonder how vampires dealt with months of long days and short nights. It must suck, having half of your day taken away for part of the year. Then again, they’d get it back in the winter so maybe it evened out.

Xander walked into the courtyard of Giles’ apartment and it felt strange. For one thing, neither Buffy nor Willow was with him. Willow would be back in a week but until then he was still flying solo.

Well, except for Spike. But he wasn’t going to go there right now.

Another oddity was the fact that they rarely met at the Watcher’s apartment; instead they met at the library. Which seemed odd to Xander in a way because the school was closed; what if someone tried to mess with the Hellmouth in August? Would Giles offer them tea and cookies or something and politely ask them to wait till Snyder opened up the school?

Once again his imagination proved not to be his friend as he saw Giles sitting down to tea with something big, scaly and gross. Or worse yet, Spike. They would try to kill each other within five minutes of seeing each other, if that. Not just because of the watcher/vampire thing, either, but because if he could make Giles annoyed with his jokes and nicknames, Spike would make the other man livid.

Xander knocked on the door before pushing both of his hands into his pockets to keep from fidgeting. He couldn’t help but wonder if Giles would ask something about Spike, or if he’d say something wrong.

He was so busy worrying he didn’t notice the door opening. “Xander? What on earth are you doing here? I just got home today.”

Xander looked up and grinned. “Hey, G-man! Saw the lights and I figured I’d help you put up the case of books you brought home from the Motherland. Figured that I’m going to be looking up icky stuff in them sooner or later, might as well get a sneak peek.”

Giles sighed and stepped aside so Xander could walk in. “I supposed it would be fruitless of me to ask that you not call me that?”

“That would be you, the no fruit guy. And why is it fruitless, anyway, why isn’t it vegetableless? Because I can eat fruit, that’s pretty good, but some veggies like those greens the cafeteria serves are just plain scary.”

“I am hoping that is another one of your questions designed to keep me asking important questions, like why you have a four day old shiner and move like you’ve been kicked.”

Xander winced. He’d forgotten how Giles actually noticed things about him. “Yeah, well, Larry and his friends from school decided they couldn’t wait till September to play with me, they had to get in a summer session. Just because Larry had to go to summer school and even with all the slaying I didn’t.”

Giles sat down on the sofa and waved him to a seat. “I suppose you had to mention this fact to Larry? Xander, one of these days you’re not going to be able to talk yourself out of a situation.”

He shrugged. “I know, but it’s not like I’m good at the fighting thing. My amazing ability to talk fast has gotten me out of a lot of situations.”

“Yes, well, you can’t always count on that. I’m afraid I can’t offer you anything but tea right now; I haven’t had the time to go to the grocer's.” Giles picked up a teacup that had been sitting on a table.

“That’s okay. I just wanted to see how you enjoyed your trip.”

“I visited the Watcher’s Council, Xander, it wasn’t for fun. And, really, if you children think that I am hidebound and ancient you really ought to see how lucky you are. Travers and the senior Wyndam-Pryce make me look like a rebel. I’m afraid I was taken to task for not training Buffy according to proper Watcher guidelines.”

Xander grinned. “God, I could just see it now, trying to get Buffy to actually sit at a desk and write “I will not slay vampires in a miniskirt” a hundred times. It would be funny to see them try it; Buffy is a law of her own, and she’d never listen to them.”

“Yes, well, I’m sure you didn’t come here to talk about my worries. What can I help you with, Xander?”

He squirmed on the couch. “Nothing! Really! It’s just I thought there would be books, nice musty old books and you know how much I love them and…” Giles was giving him a rather pointed stare. Xander wondered if there was such a thing as spontaneous human combustion and figured he’d find out in a few moments. “Okay G—Giles it’s like this. I can’t really talk to my parents about it and I don’t think Wills would understand and Buffy so wouldn’t. And you’re not my last choice, don’t get me wrong, but the only other person I could talk about it to…well, it wouldn’t be good. See, I’ve been having these dreams…”

He stopped and blushed a bright red. He was sure he’d be bursting into flames any moment now.

“Oh!” It helped that Giles sounded just as embarrassed as he was. Maybe more. “Well…Xander, I’m sure you’re aware that it is not unusual to be dreaming of…of girls or friends or-or anything like that.”

Xander tried really hard to disappear into himself. “It…it wasn’t one of the girls. It wasn’t any girl”

“Oh my.” Giles set down his teacup and looked serious and it made Xander want to just get up and run out the door.

“I see your “Oh my” and raise you a “GAH!” And if my parents ever found out? Badness would happen.”

“And is this a…a someone I’d know…someone from school, perhaps?” Giles looked white as a sheet and Xander realized the older man was afraid it was him.

“Okay, first off, it’s not you so don’t ... what’s the term? Get your knickers in a bunch. He’s this guy that I, umm, helped. He was drunk at night in a park. Then he kinda helped me deal with the aftermath of Larry pounding on me. It’s kind of hard to tape your own ribs. And it’s just been hanging out, kind of… but then I started having these dreams like the third night I ever talked to him and it’s really starting to freak me out. Check that, I left freaked behind a couple of exits ago and have moved to identity crisis land.”

He got up and moved to the bookshelves on one side of the room. He just couldn’t sit still, his nerves felt like they’d been stomped on. It had been bad enough to learn that he’d fallen asleep next to a vampire, but to dream about the way he looked shirtless? Or the way he’d taken care of him? That had been…odd. And crazy making.

Giles didn’t say anything and Xander finally looked at him. That seemed to be what the other man was waiting for because he smiled. “Xander, contrary to what you may have learned from…your parents, it is quite all right to desire a person of the same sex, or even both sexes. There are cases of homosexual tendencies in animals, including primates.”

Xander sighed just a bit and Giles shook his head slightly. “What I’m trying to say is that you’ll figure it out in time. Worry about the person and not the…equipment, so to speak. The rest will sort itself out.”

Xander looked down at his shoes for a few moments before looking at the man who was better to him than his Father ever would be. “Thanks, Giles. I mean that.”

“Thankful enough to stop you from calling me any of your insipid nicknames?”

Xander let his grin break out. “Nope. Cheer up, G-Man, that just makes you one of us. Now, where're all the books you bought, and I’ll help you put them up.”

Giles looked slightly embarrassed. “I’m afraid I had to ship them separately. I bought more than I was allowed to pack in my luggage.”

“Only you, Giles, only you.”

*****

It was full dark by the time he left Giles's apartment. They had caught up some about Hellmouth activities during summers, none this year, and when Willow was getting back into town.

Xander felt better after talking to Giles, it just let him know that he wasn’t weird or something. Well, any weirder than he normally was. And he managed to talk about it without giving away Spike was there. He wasn’t an idiot, he knew at some point in time Buffy and Spike would meet and fight. He just tried not to think about it.

“So that’s the Watcher, eh?”

“GAH!” Xander jumped three feet in the air as Spike came out of one of the side streets near Giles’s house. “Damn it, you just love watching me jump, don’t you?”

“Course I do, pet, love the scent of fear, even yours. You know that. What’s up with the long chat? Telling any secrets?” Spike didn’t sound pissed, more like he was teasing and Xander just grinned.

“Nope, other than the fact that he twigged onto my ass whupping the other day. Your name never even came up.” Which was 100% true; he'd talked about a friend he’d met and was having dreams about…he never named Spike or, snicker, William. Then he sighed.

“What’s up, mate?”

Xander laughed at the comparison of Spike to Bugs Bunny and shook his head. “Actually, I was hoping he’d have some new books so he’d give me his keys to the library at school and I could sneak around and read the Watcher Diaries with information on you. Purely for research, of course. Well, that and I’m curious. But he bought so many books he’s having them shipped. It’s kind of funny, actually.”

Spike looked at him, eyes staring into his own, and Xander tried to ignore the little voice in the back of his head that commented on the beautiful blue color. “Come on then, let’s go.”

He turned and started walking in the general direction of the school. Xander stood there in shock for a moment before running to catch up. “Wait! I didn’t get the keys or anything.”

“Don’t need keys, pet, I can pick the locks.”

“But that’s…”

“Wrong? Evil? Remember who you’re with, lad.”

Xander thought about it, and figured there would be no harm. Besides… “Only if you teach me how to do it, pick the lock, that is. I’ve always wanted to learn how.”

Spike laughed. It wasn’t exactly a nice laugh but it did cause that belly flop that Xander was beginning to get used to. Like he was going down in an elevator too fast and everything settled in his groin.

“Come on then, Xander, and we’ll get you corrupted good and proper.”