This Place and Time

When they arrived at the mansion Angel led Xander
straight into his bedroom where he sat him on the edge
of his bed.

His ribs aching, Xander eased himself onto his back
trying to relieve some of the pain.

While Angel was fishing around in his dresser for
supplies, Xander took the time to look over the room.
It was dark and dreary. Like the rest of Angel's home
it felt empty and was a perfect environment for the
vampire to brood day and night. The bed which he lay
on was in the center pressed against the wall, dresser
to his left and on his right was a night stand with a
lone lamp sitting on top.

He frowned, tilted his head to the side and stared at
Angel bemused. Deep in thought he wondered what it
must be like to live Angel's life. Wake up and brood,
read for a bit, brood some more. Then go out on
patrol, perhaps spend time with Buffy. For the life of
him he couldn't comprehend what Angel was thinking
during the long hours of the day while he was alone.
Maybe he thought about the past, things he did when he
was Angelus.

Xander then came to the conclusion that he didn't like
the way Angel lived. Why this bothered him was
something he couldn't explain, he just knew it did.
Perhaps it was the solitude. Knowing that Angel was
probably stuck here day after day by himself was very
depressing. That was no life to live for someone like
Angel, who had so much to offer. He had so much to
give; he should have more people to share himself with
although secretly Xander wanted to fill that void in
Angel's life. But he'd never admit it to himself.

He hadn't ever considered Angel to be such a kind soul
and up until yesterday, Xander would have never
thought of Angel in such a humane way. He had always
bad mouthed him to everyone. To him Angel was just the
evil vampire waiting in the shadows biding his time.
Then he'd stab them all in the back, literally and
shed their blood all throughout Sunnydale.

But all that was different now. Here Angel was tending
to his wounds. Here he was helping him. Here he was
making him feel safe and more at home than anywhere he
had ever been. Xander had let himself get a glimpse of
who Angel actually was and he couldn't get enough. He
hadn't even begun to scratch the surface of the
vampire known as Angel.

Last night when they talked until the late evening,
had been one of the most enjoyable times Xander could
ever remember having. He carried most of the
conversation but Angel was an active participant when
it came time for him to speak, and he was excellent at
listening. Angel had actually smiled and it made
Xander feel warm inside. Xander wondered who else got
to see Angel smile as he had seen the other night.

That thinking process drifted to Buffy. She must have
seen that magnificent smile that was able to send a
shiver down his spine and send warm red blood to the
surface of his skin. She knew Angel more intimately
than he and it made him feel a twinge of anger. He
wondered if her and Angel were still together, and
they probably were. Perhaps he felt jealous of her.
Angel had opened up to her, let her in and Xander
wanted so desperately to know more about Angel. To be
let into his world. But if Angel only knew of all the
things he'd done; Xander would never get his chance to
be let in.

Not too long ago he’d found out that Angel had come
back from hell. That's when he tried to get Faith to
kill him. Even if he tried to convince her after that
it wasn’t Angel, he’d still put the idea in her head.
God, did Angel even know it was him who sent Faith on
a fiery rampage through his home on a mission to kill?
Xander was feeling incredible guilt over what he had
done. If Angel only knew he'd probably throw him out
on his ass and laugh as some unknown fledge made
dinner of him.

Xander looked at the ceiling scrunching his brow as he
closed his eyes tight and put his hands over his face.
It felt strange having these feeling for someone he
hadn't even liked a few weeks ago, days ago even.
Stranger was the fact that he was sure if Angel was
aware of what he'd done he'd probably take back all
the kindness and protection he'd been offering Xander.
He’d probably lose any chance he had to get to know
Angel, any chance at becoming something more than what
they were. And it was terrifying to think that Angel
would hate him all over again. He just wanted things
to be right, but they weren't right. Angel suffered
because of his actions and he wanted to offer him
something to make it right again.

He came to a decision. Despite the fact that he told
himself he would let things flow naturally between him
and Angel, he would be Angel's friend. At least that.
He needed to be his friend. To have some sort of
connection with him, to know him, the real him. Maybe
in time he'd be forgiven. Maybe in time he would
actually tell Angel how sorry he was for what he'd
done. But not right now, things were just too new.

While Xander was deep into thought Angel finished
finding all the supplies and walked over to him.
Xander was still lying on his back with his hands
covering his face. Suddenly Angel's voice broke the
silence, effectively snapping Xander out of his own
brooding haze. "You need to sit up and take off your
shirt."

Xander's mind went from one dilemma to another. He
hesitated for a moment before taking off his shirt and
laying it down at his side. He knew Angel was staring
at him, judging him. Xander had bruises all over his
body. Very few of which actually came from demons.
Just the monster who lived at home.

"Xander, what's this all about?"

He didn't want to explain his home life to Angel. When
he was young his father beat him at least once every
week. He had called him worthless, a piece of shit
that didn't deserve the space he took up. It was
always late in the evening when his father was most
drunk that he'd come up to Xander's room and begin
punching him in his stomach and pounding his fists
into his back, never showing restraint and always with
the verbal abuse. His father always made sure that
whatever damage he made could be hidden under
clothing. If Xander ever made a fuss he'd just get hit
worse. Now that he was older he was beat less often.
Maybe once a month or so now.

Although if anything good came out of it, it was that
he learned to take pain and shrug it off. It made him
an effective punching bag for demons. He would have
laughed at that if not for the fact that it made him
feel empty inside.

He stared into Angel's eyes, he just wanted to cry. He
didn't want Angel to see him like this. It made him
feel weak, and he wanted to be something besides
pathetic to Angel. "Angel...I...Uh... Just. Don't
worry about it. It's just a few bruises that I've
accumulated during the last few weeks of patrolling.
It's nothing."

He knew that Angel couldn't have been buying his
excuse. It was just so lame, who in there right mind
would believe him. Then Angel gave him a cold stare,
he knew Angel was too smart to fall for it.

Angel just put his hand on Xander's head and slowly
stroked his fingers through the dark locks, giving him
a slight smile. "Fine. Just be more careful, OK?"

'Oh. GOD.' How Angel managed to take all of Xander's
pain away in a single touch was beyond him. It was
just a touch, a hand gently running through his hair.
But all his problems seemed to be forgotten and he
just concentrated on the feel.

Angel slowly took his hand away from Xander's hair and
took a kneeling position on the floor in front of
Xander. He then began tending to the wounds on
Xander's chest. Xander forgot about his pain and just
stared. Whatever he had been previously thinking was
just washed away as he sat there and just reveled in
the touch of Angel's hands on his skin. It made him
feel safe and at ease.

"Angel, what did you do before you came here to
Sunnydale?"

Xander wasn't sure were the question had come from.
But he didn't regret asking it. He really wanted to
know. However, he wasn't sure if Angel would willing
give up information about himself. So he kept his eyes
on the vampire, wondering if the question would just
be ignored.

Angel just continued his work on his wounds before
slowly letting his words fall over the room. "I was
homeless. I lived on the streets in New York." While
he was talking he had finished bandaging up Xander's
torso and he stood up from his kneeling position and
stared at Xander's face.

"Why where you homeless?" Xander asked in a soft
voice.

Angel reached out his hand and touched Xander's brow.
There was a cut right above his right eyebrow, and
Angel slowly laid his palm on Xander's temple. He put
his thumb over the cut and slowly rubbed it.

Xander let out a soft moan before turning bright red.
He didn't mean to moan, it just happened.

Angel let out a sigh before speaking. "Because I
needed to remove myself from the temptation of humans.
It's hard Xander. It's hard trying to live alongside
people who are suppose to be your food. I," long sigh.
"I did something very bad. I did something that put me
in a position to hurt people again, possibly start
hunting again. So in order to remove that temptation,
I lived away from them."

Xander should have been terrified by Angel's
confession. He wondered if Buffy knew about this. He
took a little satisfaction knowing that she probably
didn't.

"Wha..What did you do?"

Angel slowly moved his hand downward and cupped
Xander's cheek. He had done this earlier that night,
but Xander felt oddly comforted by the soft feel of
Angel's hand. Just another way Angel made him feel
safe. It was strange that neither of the two was
finding any wrong with the situation, it felt good and
right somehow.

Angel let out a small needless breath before putting a
small smile upon his face. "That can wait for another
time. We need to get you home now." Then he took his
hand away from Xander's cheek and extended his it to
help him up.

Xander wanted to protest but didn't. It was late and
he knew Angel was right, he did have to go home. With
a look of disappointment on his face he picked up his
shirt and put it on. He wanted to hear the rest of the
story. It was important for him to hear it, but he
wouldn't get it today.

"Alright fine. I guess I'll be going then."

"Um, I was kind of thinking I'd walk you home."

Xander stared for a moment not knowing whether he
should smile at that. Instead he just took the hand
extended and let Angel help him off the bed. He still
felt sore from head to toe. Making it to the door was
going to be a problem, now how was he going to make it
all the way home?

"You can lean on me if you’re still hurting,” Angel
offered.

That’s what made Xander finally smile. "Thank you," he
said as he looked Angel in the eyes. Angel smiled back
and it made Xander tingle all over. That smile made
him feel so limp and light in the knees. He * really *
liked Angel's smile. In a perfect world Angel would be
smiling all the time, leaving Xander a pool of jelly
on the floor.

"You’re welcome." Then Angel flung Xander's arm over
his head and unto his shoulder. He made sure to tilt
Xander slightly so that his weight was pressed firmly
against his side. They walked to the door with
relative ease. But Xander was feeling jolts of pain as
he began walking, and seeing as Angel had effectively
crippled him, he knew it was going to be a long walk
home. Not like he cared, the longer the better.

The walk was made in relative silence. It was another
one of those times when neither needed to talk. For
some reason they shared a lot of those moments. Just
silence, comforting, safe.

Xander did something unexpected which had made the
walk very interesting for the both of them. When they
were half way there Xander was feeling a bit tired.
Without realizing what he was doing he slowly tilted
his head and rested it on Angel's shoulder. When he
realized what he was doing he didn't know whether he
should pull back. Angel didn't say anything so he left
the boys resting head on his shoulder. Xander closed
his eyes, it was a nice feeling. He drifted away
somewhere that was peaceful and quiet. In this place
it was just him and Angel, just them in their own
world.

He never felt like this before, he wished it could
have lasted forever. But soon they reached the front
porch of his home. He had to pull away from Angel and
make his way to the door. That feeling was so surreal,
he felt saddened by its loss. When he reached the door
he started digging in his pocket for the keys. Then he
remembered he forgot to say goodbye to Angel.

He turned around and almost jumped out of his skin.
Angel was standing right behind him staring at him. He
took a deep breath to calm himself before speaking.

"I guess I'll see you some other time then. Good night
Angel." Then he turned around and stuck the key in the
lock.

Angel grabbed his shoulder and slowly turned him
around so that they were facing each other. "I was
wondering if you'd stop by tomorrow. Um, will you… I
mean, stop by?"

Xander was too excited by Angel's words to think.
Angel wanted him to come over, he wanted his company.
He was invited and Angel wanted him over. He just
chanted it in his head, his heart pumping frantically.
If he had had better control he wouldn't have smiled
as widely as he did. "Yeah, I think I can fit that
into my busy schedule. Of course that'll be after my
big plans of watching TV and sitting on my ass for
hours."

"Alright, I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Nine o'clock
OK?"

Xander gave and enthusiastic smile and nodded. Angel
smiled back and Xander‘s stomach was doing flips. They
stared at each other for what seemed to be an eternity
before Xander slowly turned around and walked inside.

When he got inside he ran to his room as fast as he
could, ignoring his aching body. He stripped off into
his boxers and threw himself unto his bed and lay his
head into the pillow. Xander barely slept that night,
all his thoughts focused on Angel.