Here Without You

"So, how do you think Buffy's doing?” Xander asked hesitantly.

"I'm not sure. She still won't talk about it much.” Willow answered as they lugged the last of her belongings into the dorm. Willow had decided that since Tara had moved home for a little while, and she couldn't really afford their apartment by herself she would move into the dorms with Buffy. Truthfully, Willow didn't want to leave Buffy there by herself.

"Well, I'm sure with you here, she'll start to perk up.” Xander gave the redhead a reassuring smile. They reached room 120, and Willow slowly opened the door. They found Buffy sitting at her desk scribbling furiously in one of her notebooks.

"Damn it!" The blonde exclaimed as her number two pencil snapped in half. "Stupid cheap ass..."

"Hey Buffy,” Willow cried almost too cheerfully, startling Buffy.

"Oh God, you guys," she gasped grasping her chest. "Sorry, I didn't hear you come in.” Buffy smiled sheepishly as she held up the mutilated pencil. "Guess I got a little carried away with this advanced calculus stuff."

"I'll say," Xander snickered as he dropped Willow's things on her desk. "Pencils of the world, beware."

"I'm never going to get all this crap finished,” Buffy whined.

"Still doing make up work?” Willow asked sympathetically.

"Of course." Buffy answered. She had missed a week and a half of classes and it seemed as if she had a month’s worth of work to catch up on, not to mention all of her current studies. "I'm drowning in a sea of numbers," Buffy huffed, exasperated.

"Well I have just the cure for that,” Xander spoke up.

"And that would be?” Buffy asked hesitantly.

"Trivia Night at the Taco Stand,” Xander said with a pride. "Chock full of alcoholic goodness and quite the learning experience," he added holding up his index finger to accentuate his point.

"Oh yeah, come on Buffy it'll be fun!” Willow chimed in. "It'll do you some good to get out of this stuffy dorm for a little while."

Buffy hesitated for a moment looking from one friend to the other. "I don't think so guys," she sighed. "I've got all this work to do."

"It's Saturday Buff. You've got all day tomorrow to worry about school work, come on it'll be fun.” Xander pleaded.

"I just don't think I'm up for it.” Buffy was beginning to get frustrated with his persuasion.

"Well get up for it! Buffy, you can't hide away in here forever.”

"Xander!" Willow exclaimed, surprised by her friend’s vehemence.

"No, Willow this needs to be said.” Xander looked at her in earnest. "Buffy I know you miss Spike. I miss him too, but it's been two weeks since the funeral, and you've barely left this room except to go to class. You have to keep on living, Buffy."

"Xander I really don't need to hear this right now.” Buffy implored, bringing her hands up to cover her face. "Please just don't."

Xander expression softened as did his tone when he noticed the exhaustion in Buffy's voice. "I'm sorry Buffy," he conceded. "We're all still really stressed out and you know how my foot loves to live in my mouth."

Buffy brought her hands down until they only cupped over her mouth as if she were physically trying to hold it shut. She could only nod in reply.

"Well I'm going to take off.” Xander moved towards the door, waving goodbye to Willow as he reached for the knob. "You two lovely ladies know where to find me if you need anything. Let me know if you change your mind about tonight.” With that, Xander stepped out of the room and closed the door behind him.

"Are you okay?” Willow asked, throwing a sympathetic arm around her friend.

"Yeah," Buffy nodded. "I think... I think I need some fresh air though," she stepped quickly away from Willow's arm and grabbed her notebook and book bag from her desk.

"Okay," Willow whispered. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No, I'm just going to take my homework with me and see what I can get done.” Buffy smiled stuffing her notebook into her bag. "I won't be gone very long."

"Okay.” Willow waved as Buffy stepped out of the room.

Buffy sat on a bench on North Campus staring off into a distant nowhere. She held her notebook in her hands, however, her wandering mind prevented her from actually studying. She wasn't sure how long she'd been sitting there; all she could see or hear were memories from that fateful night.

"You have to talk to me, please don't shut me out,” She begged, her own tears threatening to fall.

"You mean like you've shut me out these past two months?” William replied in an accusatory tone....

Are you ashamed of me, Buffy?...If it's not that big of a deal, then why are you sorry?"...

"Buffy watch the road.” Her mind wandered back to the dream that she'd had in the hospital. William's voice sounded so close to her, so real. "No sweet, just come with me. Please stay with me.” The desperation in his tone was heartbreaking. "I'll be here forever sweet, that's the whole point. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me.”

"It's my fault," Buffy whispered to herself as she could feel the tears begin to prick her eyes.

"Buffy?” A strange voice called from behind her. Buffy turned around to face the owner of the voice. He was tall and stocky with brownish blonde hair. He wore a grin that Buffy could only describe as home grown, and Buffy realized that she had never seen this person before in her life. "Buffy Summers, right?” he asked again.

"I'm sorry," she replied looking quizzically at him. "Do I know you?"

"Not exactly,” he smiled again. "My name is Riley, Riley Finn."

"Hi," Buffy smiled uncertainly still not sure how this complete stranger knew who she was.

"I've been meaning to find you ever since the funeral."

Buffy flinched at the mention of William's funeral. "Oh, I see. We're you one of Spike's fraternity brothers?” she asked him sadly.

"Uh, no," Riley admitted awkwardly. "Actually, I was the guy driving the other car that night.” He suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable. He wasn't sure how she was going to react to him once he revealed himself.

Buffy’s friendly expression hardened into a cold, impassive stare. "I see," was the only reply that she could come up with.

"I did go to the funeral once I heard about William's...passing," he stammered. "I wanted to pay my respects. I saw you there and you looked so heartbroken, kinda like the way you do now." He tried to smile at her but the blank expression on her face prevented him from doing so. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry and..."

"I'm sorry, Riley but I can't do this right now." With that, Buffy jumped off of the bench allowing her notebook to fall to the ground at her feet. "I've gotta go." She abruptly walked away from him, not bothering to stop to pick up her fallen notebook.

"Stupid!" Riley exclaimed, slapping the front of his head. He noticed that she had left something behind and bent quickly to scoop it up. The notebook was still open to the page that Buffy had left it on and he could see the likeness of a man staring back at him from the pages. Beneath the chiseled face etched on the paper was the name "William".

Buffy headed to her bed the minute she reached her room. Not bothering to divest herself of her clothes or shoes, she collapsed onto her bed. She reached a shaky hand under her pillow and grabbed a black t-shirt from underneath.. She wrapped the worn material around her hands and brought it quickly to her nose and inhaled deeply. The scent was slowly starting to fade but she could still make out the faint aroma. Polo Sport, leather and tobacco. Buffy didn't know that it was possible to feel so comforted yet hurt so badly all at the same time. She laid in silence holding the shirt to her face until she drifted into a deep sleep.

Buffy awoke to the sound of a loud tapping on her door. The shirt that she had clung to was now draped over one side of the bed threatening to flutter to the floor below. Buffy grabbed it quickly and stuffed it back under her pillow as the tapping continued.

"I'm coming, damn it!" she exclaimed to the intruder. She rubbed her sleepy eyes and climbed down from the loft. Buffy ran her fingers through her golden locks to make sure she didn't have funny bed hair, and the obnoxious visitor tapped even more loudly on the door. Buffy's frustration grew as she reached for the doorknob and flung it open. Frustration melted away to surprise as she saw who was standing in her doorway. "Riley."

"Hey again," He flashed her his good-boy smile again.

"I'm really not trying to be rude, but how did you know where I live?” Buffy asked, growing suspicious of him. He sheepishly held out her notebook which had her address scribbled on the inside of the front cover. "Oh, thanks," she gave him a half smile as she took the book from him.

"Thought you might need that for class."

"Yeah," she nodded. "Notes might help."

Riley smiled still standing in the hallway leaning against her doorframe. "You're a pretty good artist."

"What?” Buffy asked

"When I picked up your notebook it was open, I couldn't help but notice. There's a portrait that you drew on the last full page. It's really good."

Buffy opened the notebook to see what he was talking about. Sure enough there it was. She was staring at a likeness of William sketched on her college ruled spiral notebook. She didn't remember drawing it, but she had been really out of it this afternoon.. "Thanks," was all she could gather for a reply.

"Well, it's late so I think I'm going to take off.” Riley started to leave but turned quickly to say, "Buffy I really am sorry for your loss. If there's anything I can do..."

"Thanks.” Buffy smiled. "I'll keep that in mind."

Riley nodded in reply and turned to walk down the hallway to the exit. Buffy closed the door behind him and leaned against it for a moment clutching notebook that was still open to the picture of William. She walked over to her desk and carefully ripped the picture from its spiral hold. She then walked over to her closet and grabbed a box from the top shelf. Buffy rummaged through it for a moment until she found what she was looking for: an antique brass frame. She lifted the back of the frame carefully, and situated the drawing into the glass. When she had secured the picture she set it gingerly on the night table facing her bed.

"This way I can still see your face when I wake up in the morning.” Buffy said, kissing her fingertips and touching them to William's face. She was still staring at the picture when another knock came. Who in the hell? Buffy thought to herself. Realizing that Riley had probably come back to try to offer her more comfort she yelled through the door.

"Riley, really I appreciate the effort and I accept your apology, but I just want to be alone right now okay?” Buffy paused, listening to the silence outside her door. Thank you, she thought to herself as she began to prepare to return to her bed. She was climbing back into the loft when the knocking came back.

"God damn it! Persistent much?" Buffy cursed as she climbed back down the ladder. She was grumbling profanities as she fumbled with the lock and doorknob, fully intending on giving the person on the other side of the door a good tongue-lashing. "Riley are you thick headed? I told you I just..” Buffy was stunned into silence when she opened the door. She was sure the color was drained completely from her face when she saw who was on the other side: William. There he was, right in front of her. This wasn't a dream, she wasn't sleep walking, was she? The room began to spin as she reached for him. She could feel the cool leather of his jacket slip through her fingers as she struggled to hold herself up.

"Buffy, Love?” His beautiful, accented voice filled her ears as her knees quickly turned to putty.

That was the last thing Buffy heard before she was shrouded in darkness