Nobody Loves Me

Warning: Child abuse and other nasty stuff in this one folks! If you don’t like things like that turn away!


Angel got home he was exhausted, and it was only ten. He felt bad because he didn’t get to talk to William and he had an appointment with the young man tommorow. Now that he was thinking about it, this wasn’t a good idea. How could he ever resist that sexy little William? He was falling in love with somebody he couldn’t possibly have a real relationship with. He should end it before it got too serious.

Angel picked up his cell phone and saw he had five missed calls and one message and they were all William. He put in his password and listened to the message.

‘Hey Angel it’s me, um Will. I jus- you said to call you and I did, but you weren’t there so I guess I’ll talk to you later. I really had a good time with you, thanks. . .um bye.’

Angel smiled, but quickly set his mind to the task at hand. Ending the relationship before they both fell in love or got caught. Angel’s mind wandered to the consequences if he was caught. No job, no money, no house, possible law suit. He quickly dialed Will’s cell number, he needed to talk to the boy/

“Hello?”

“Will?”

“Yeah A-Angel?”

“It’s me, we need to talk. Your appointment is for one in the afternoon can you come by fifteen minutes early?”

“Yeah, sure.”

William had planned on staying home any way and Wesley would bring his work home. Will was worried though, because he didn’t know what Angel wanted to talk about.

Angel hung up and thought about what he was going to say to the boy . How would he end it without hurting him too much?

Angel was asleep not long after he laid down and dreamed of William. His happy boyish smile, his beautiful blue eyes, his hot sexy body and his round little backside.


William couldn’t sleep at all that night he kept thinking of what Angel would say. He wanted to read a book to help him go to sleep. When he opened one of his school books the poem he had written for Angel fell out.

‘To my Angel sent down from above. ‘
‘The one who helped me understand love.’
‘Feel as if my heart has grown a bulge in it.’
‘Inspired by your beauty, effulgent.’

He liked his poem and maybe if he gave it to Angel now, the man would understand his feelings. He placed it on his nightstand and tried to get some rest.

The next morning William woke up from a loud banging on his door. He threw on some boxers and opened the it. Wesley smiled and entered his room.

“Hello young William.”

“Shut up Wes and tell me what you want.”

“Dear it seems somebody has no humor this morning.”

William was about to start yelling, but just pouted instead and spoke quietly.

“I’m sorry, tell me what you want.”

“I’m afraid your father and I are going out tonight and we will be home in the morning.”

“Oh ok. What time is it?”

“Twelve something.”

“Fuck! Get out I need to get ready.”

Wes left the room as William started grabbing at clothes. When he was dressed he grabbed his cell phone and the poem he wrote Angel. He was thinking about giving it to him today. It was about a quarter after twelve when he was done getting ready and he walked downstairs.

“Hello son.”

“Hey dad, Wes told me you guys were going somewhere tonight.”

“Ah yes, for business. I trust you will be alright by yourself?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. I have to get to my appointment, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye.”

Will drove to the building and was shocked to see Angel outside by his car. He walked over to him and smiled. Angel looked apprehensive at first then covered it with a blank face. William thought he looked amazing all dressed up for work.

“Hello William.”

“Hey, so what did you want to talk about?”

“Well I figured we could go somewhere after your appointment and have that conversation. I want to talk to you about your appointment.”

“Yeah what about it?”

“Well I’m your therapist and I want you to feel comfortable with me. Even though we were involved I want you to still be able to talk to me. Act as if I’m a different person if you must, but we need to have a professional relationship while in my office. This means no kisses, sex or anything involving sex.”

“I already knew this Angel, why don’t we get this over with so we can talk after wards.”

Angel didn’t answer he just began walking away with Will trailing behind him. William was still worried about what Angel wanted to tell him. William tried to remember their last appointment and realized he was about to tell Angel about Buffy. Oh go this was going to be interesting. They sat down in Angel’s office and Angel began to speak.

“The last time you were here you told me about Drusilla and a little about your friend Buffy. Well I want to hear more about you and Buffy’s relationship.”

“Well first off lets just say we never had a relationship. We fucked and that’s all. I really did love her, see that’s the thing she never loved me. After Dru I went around drinking and feeling sorry for myself. Buffy was doing her thing and then she got hurt. Almost died and well after that all she wanted was to ‘feel’. That’s what she said when we had our first kiss. “I want the feeling back.” and well I wanted to feel too, but I wanted to feel love.”

“How long were you together?”

“Well we started having sex, not nice sex either. It was violent and fast, but it was fun. She didn’t want me to tell anyone and we were secretly shagging for about three months. I remember the first time like it was yesterday. I had been following her like a puppy, because that’s what I did and she flipped out. She was yelling at me and hitting me and then all of a sudden she kissed me. I had so many bruises from the sex alone I looked like an a- abuse victim.”

William went quiet after that statement and Angel didn’t understand why. The boy just looked down and stared at his hands with big, wet blue eyes. Angel wanted him to continue with his story, so he spoke.

“So why did you guys end it?”

“She did the ending when her friends and family found out. I was crushed because she said she was using me and it was killing her. I knew it, but the fact she was so honest tore me up. I still followed her around and begged her to take me back. One night she had enough and kicked the shit out of me, it was pretty bad. I was in a lot of pain and had a few broken bones. I just let her take out all her pain and feelings. She did and put them all on me. She said a lot of hurtful stuff to me and well I did some bad things after that.”

“Like what?”

“Well her friend Anya was going through a bad breakup too and we sort of had a quickie, but Buffy found out and so did Anya’s ex. It was a big issue and afterwards I felt really guilty for hurting her, Buffy I mean. I went to her house just to talk a- and I a- almost, I - I almost r- raped her, but she stopped me.”

William pressed his hands to his eyes to stop the tears. He didn’t want to talk about this, about how evil he was, (no is).

“What happened after that?”

“She forgave me and we became friends, it took a while to gain her trust and her friends hated me. She realized it was sort of her fault for leading me on like that. We had a mutual apology and now were really close..”

“That’s a good thing.”

“Yeah it is, because Buffy is really good to me now and she has helped me out a lot.”

”William may I ask you something.?”

“Yeah sure.”

“Before when you mentioned abuse victim you looked upset, why is that?”

William froze and had a deer caught in the headlights expression. He just stared at Angel open mouthed and shaking. Could he tell Angel?

“I- I- I um, my real father used to hit me a lot.. It wasn’t too bad when I was real young, but once I turned five it got pretty bad.”

“Will if you don’t feel comfortable, we don’t have to talk about this.”

“No I trust you, I never really told any one about this, but I trust you.”

Those words sent a stab of guilt straight to Angel’s heart. If the boy only knew he was going to break up with him, he wouldn’t be saying that.

“Did your mother do anything?”

“No she was really sick and couldn’t do much. She begged him to stop, but he just told her to go die. I really loved my mom and when she died it got worse. He usually only hit me with his hands, but when he was gone he started using o- other things.”

Angel stared at the young man and saw nothing but a lost, scared little boy. At that moment he looked so young and sweet and he wanted to hug him.

“What kind of other things?”

“W- well his belt, brooms, his cane. I hated that cane, it was so scary. He even used wood planks sometimes. I remember once I didn’t feel good and he hit me with that cane a few times. Afterwards he locked me in the freezing shed naked, so he wouldn’t hear my crying. I was so scared, I still don’t like canes. They make my stomach hurt, I guess you could call it fear.”

Angel felt so bad for the child that Will once was. He never knew about his horrible past and felt very bad all of a sudden. He had a twisting feeling in his gut especially when Will began crying.

“What’s wrong?”

“Once he used his cane while she was there, I remember. M- my mom, I asked her if she loved me once. I think she did, but I didn’t know for sure. He never let her say it to me, so I asked her. He heard me ask and she never got to answer. He grabbed me by the hair and beat me so badly with it, I couldn’t walk for three days. The whole time he was hitting me with that fucking cane he screamed “Nobody loves you”. He yelled it over and over until it sunk in.”

Angel was feeling really guilty because time was almost up and now he was going to have to end a relationship with this poor, sad young man. He moved over to William and rocked him while he cried and whispered sweet words into his ear.

Once he calmed down William wiped his face and gave Angel a little boy smile. It made him look young and innocent and Angel wanted to kiss him. He knew he couldn’t he had to end it.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just never told anyone about that. It feels good to get it out.”

“I’m glad, listen you get cleaned up and I’m going to tell Harmony I’m going to lunch.”

Angel left the room and William wiped his face and blew his nose. He had forgotten Angel wanted to talk to him and instantly began to worry again. Angel came back and they left the office.

“We will take separate cars, because I have to go somewhere after lunch.”

Will nodded and watched Angel get in his car. He didn’t understand why he hadn’t gotten a kiss, but figured it was because they were near Angel’s office. He got into his own car and followed Angel to a little diner. They got out and Angel still didn’t kiss him, this upset Will. They sat down and Angel ordered coffee and William got cookies and tea. He wasn’t that hungry and tea calmed his nerves.

“So what did you want to talk about?”

“William, I don’t think we should see each other any more. It is against the rules and I want to keep my job.”

“Ok I’ll stop coming to therapy then we can be together without breaking the rules.”

“No I don’t mean like that, I’m ending this relationship. I care about my job and I can’t risk loosing it. You can still be my patient, but we can’t be together anymore. I’m sorry.”

“W- why are you doing this to m- me?”

William couldn’t stop the tears, he had no control over himself. His heart ached and his stomach dropped. His entire body began to shake and a small sob escaped from his throat.

“William I just think it’s best to end this before we get to involved. Stop crying people are looking at you.”

“I don’t care! Let them look at me Angel! Why does everyone have to fucking hurt me!? What’s wrong with me? Why would you do this to me? You know how I feel, I told you everything . Why A- A- Angel?”

William could barley breathe he was crying so hard. After he opened up to this man and gave him his virginity, he was being used again! He pulled the money out of his pocket, threw it on the table and ran out of the diner. He started the car and began his long, lonely drive home.

Angel was shocked speechless. William was right, he had hurt the boy just like everyone else had. He felt like such an asshole and immediately realized the mistake he made. Fuck his job, he just broke that wonderful young mans heart. He went to put his money down and realized there was a slip of paper with the bills Will threw down. Angel picked it up and read it silently. His heart clenched and tears stung his eyes, it was a pretty bad poem, but it meant more to him than anything. Well not anything, not William, what had he done? He loved William and he ended something great over his job.

Angel paid and got into his car, he tried calling William’s cell but got no answer. He left three messages before driving to his office. He stormed in and found William’s address in his organizer and quickly ran out of the office again. He drove as fast as he could towards Will’s house, when he got there he just stopped. There were no cars in the driveway, so he just sat there for a while and waited for William to return.

William banged on Buffy’s door and prayed she was home. His cell phone rang and rang, but he couldn’t hear it over his hysterical crying. He needed somebody to talk to and Buffy was his only friend. That made him sob a little harder, he had no friends because nobody loved him. His father had been right all those years ago. He couldn’t think straight, the voice in his mind kept repeating “Nobody Loves Me.”

Authors note: I know it’s sad but I’ve been reading a lot of dark, violent fictions lately. Don’t kill me please! I hope you guys like it none the less. I’m off to start my other stories, Enjoy