Therapy

Chapter 6/ Therapy
Disclaimer in chapter 1

Buffy was on the phone with Giles going over the ideas that Dawn had brought up in therapy to help with the finances in the Summers' house, as Dawn was clearing the dining room table and setting out a notepad and some chips. Buffy hung up the phone and looked puzzled, "What are you doing?"

"I thought you and I could go over the budget stuff and maybe we can thin it down or something, then we'll be ready to talk to Willow when she comes in.," answered Dawn.

"Sounds like a plan," answered Buffy as she turned around and drug out all the bills and stuff.

The girls sat and waded through it all as they chattered amiably. Talk turned to their helping each other face the losses in they lives when Dawn asked, "You know who I really miss?---Spike."

"Don't go there. Let's not talk about him right now."

"But Buffy, I miss him. He was the one person when you died that didn't shut me out. I cried to him and on him. He sorta leaned on me too. I thought for a while he was gonna take up sunbathing or become an archery target. But I told him if he left me I'd never get over the hurt, and I didn't want to hurt anymore. He promised he would never hurt me."

"Well duh, He can't hurt you with his chip." Answered Buffy.

"I'm not talking physical. I mean emotional like Angel, Riley and Giles have hurt you."
Dawn said.

"Dawn he doesn't have any emotions, He can't have any feelings." Stressed Buffy.

"Sometimes you are so blind and deaf, I just told you. I was really afraid he was going to commit suicide when you died. You didn't even hear me." Dawn raged, "If you'd open your eyes and look at around, he quit eating, I all but had to force him to eat. For a while he looked like one of those 'fed the starving ads'! The only thing that got him to start eating again was that Xander beat him at arm wrestling. "

"I really don't care." Snapped Buffy wide eyed.

" You need to stop lying to yourself. Youcarecare I can see it. If you'd just admit it you know you care about him. This is just you running away from feeling anything. Just like you said in therapy." Dawn slapped the table. "You are so stubborn."

"This subject is CLOSED!"

"NO IT IS NOT! It is far from closed, you may think I'm just some dumb kid, but I can see that you're spending way more time with him than anyone else. I know how he can be such a comfortable person to be with when everything hurts, and you feel so lost. He's been there for me."

Dawn reached out to hold Buffy's hand, " When I found out that I was the KEY, when Mom died and then when you died, you can just be with him. He doesn't try to make you feel better, he just let's you get through it at your own speed. He talks to you, not at you."

She wiped away a stray tear. "I think what helps most is that he listens to you, not just your words but what you're feeling. He won't let you lie to yourself either."

Dawn took a deep breath, " It sounds dumb but I think he misses belonging to a 'family'. You know he coulda just taken off and gone somewhere else but he stayed here and while Giles was here he was almost a scoob. Everybody counted on him and trusted him, except Xander, he was always snarky and hateful. I think that some alpha male crap."

Buffy stammered, "Did Giles really trusm?" m?"

"Yeah he did, and Spike cut way down on research time. The things he knows are amazing,"

"Why has he pulled back so far then?"

" Maybe he's waiting to see if you'll accept him, to take the help he's offering, and treat him like a part of the team. Not some errand boy. But you're not, it OK to beat the crap outta him in practice, and use him on patrol, but you've shut him out of the gang, and the others just follow your lead."

" Haven't shut him out."

"Oh yes you have. You trusted him to protect me and Mom from Glory, but since you've come back you won't let him come around here and you won't let me go visit him. It like I can't be his friend now that you're back. That hurts."

"Dawn I'm trying to keep you from getting hurt."

"NO you're the one hurting me. He's the one person I can talk to that knows all about life in Sunnydale and doesn't treat me like a little kid." Dawn's eyes flashed.

Buffy closed her eyes and sighed, "Maybe I'm afraid he'll hurt me."

" How can he hurt you?"

" Since I came back he can hit me." She murmured.

" You're not making sense. If his chip quit, he's not hurting anyone. It means he doesn't want to hurt anybody anymore." Dawn shouted.

"No it doesn't. I'm the only one he can hit. He said it's because I came back wrong. But I asked Tara to check out the spell they used. It seems its just a little 'sub molecular difference' but it still fools his chip."

" If he can hit you, do you mean he's hurting you in practice?" Dawn was confused.

" Dawn,--- He's not hurting me, not like that,---I'm afraid he'll hurt me emotionally."

"What are you trying to say, you just spent our therapy session saying you can't feel anything?"

"OH God this is so hard---You need to know--- I've--- We're--- we've been..."
she drew a deep breath, 'I've been sleeping with him for a couple of weeks now and..."

Dawn leapt to her feet and shrieked, "WHAT!!!!OH MY GOD!!! OH BUFFY!!!"

Buffy sobbed, "I'm so sorry, I don't know why. It's disgusting. I'll stop it. I'm so sorry"

"NO NO NO-It's GREAT--- Buffy this is wonderful. I'm so happy for you." Dawn ran to her sister and hugged her.

Stunned Buffy looked at her sister, "You don't think it's awful, you don't mind?"

" I think it's about time. You guys are so good together. I've watched you spar and thought that the two of you were made to be a pair. There are so many ways the two of you are alike." Dawn crowed.

"Yeah, He's a vampire, and I'm a slayer." Buffy pouted.

" Listen to me oh sister of mine, the world is not all black and white. If I have learned anything, it is that life is short. Live for today. Plan for tomorrow, and let yesterday go."

" God you sound like a Hallmark card."

" I'm a millenniums old Key, but really, so he use to be a bad guy, so did Anya, and she changed. So has Spike. If you are happy with him ...go for it. Summers women deserve happiness."

"But the gang will hate me."

"Then they are not your friends. True friends want happiness for each other." Dawn continued, "You have never judged their relationships have you? You've accepted them all. Werewolf, Moloch, Praying Mantis Woman, Inca Mummy Girl, Vengeance Demon, Lesbian Witch, and CORDELIA, So... Now it's your turn. It's not like you're gonna have the suburban dream. Jeez this is Sunnydale home of the Hellmouth."

"How did you get so smart?"

" Just watching and listening," Dawn giggled, "So how did it start, does he kiss good? Come on Dish!" she sat down in a chair holding Buffy's hand.

"well...ffy ffy stalled.

"Come on, and you said you had no emotions."

" Since Mom died I've been shut down, not feeling. The only thing I felt was the rush I got slaying. After I came back I didn't even feel that. The only thing I remember feeling was, ... do you remember the night I came back?"

"Yeah I do, you were sorta not here."

" Well, everything was hard and harsh. It hurt, you didn't you were kinda a nice safe numbness. But when I came down the stairs and looked into Spike's eyes..." she gazed off into the distance.

"It was the first and only thing I could focus on. He was there safe and warm, not talking, not wanting anything. I could see the concern, the wonder, the compassion, and when he held my hands the understanding. I could almost touch it."

She looked back at Dawn, "After that everyone was all over me, with the 'Buffy we're so happy, we brought you back from hell, You're OK now Buffy' it was like I was drowning."

Shaking her head she continued, "But Spike was different, He didn't jabber at me, he was just there. He told me what had been happening. He apologized for letting me down."

"It felt right to just sit with him. Patrolling with him was safe; I didn't have to worry about him. I didn't have to protect him." She looked into Dawn's eyes, "I told him I had been in Heaven, and He swore he'd never tell the others when I asked him to."

"Then Sweet showed up and we did all that singing, and after it was over, I kissed him. I think it was to see if I could feel anything besides, rage, anger, or pain."

" Did you feel anything?" Dawn softly asked.

"Oh did I, I felt peace, comfort, It felt warm and safe, But it scared me, so I ran." whispered Buffy.

" I thought about it, and I realized I could face my emotions, and I started to face the little ones, the safe ones, then Willow did her 'forget spell'. I thought then that I put us all in danger with my feelings, so I locked 'em away again." She almost growled.

" But after Giles left, and Tara left, I was sitting at the Bronze, floating in a sea of loss. Spike just came up and looked at me, I turned away like the bitch I can be. I dismissed him." Sighing she continued.

"Then there he was and I was kissing him, it was like a life preserver, it held me up and kept me from sinking. I started to feel again. But it scared me and I ran."

" Damn, Spike has more patience than Job." Dawn stated.

" The night I didn't come home was the first night. I left the 'Magic Box' and there he was waiting." She drew a deep breath, " He was all cocky and obnoxious, and he hit me. Then he said I'd come back wrong."

" I was so angry, I'd been think the same thing but I was too afraid to say it. So I hit back. We had a real knock down drag outht."ht." Stopping to focus she went on, " Then he said something about he wasn't going to hurt me, much. I said he hadn't come close. And he asked if I was afraid to let him ... I didn't let him finish, I just kissed him."

She shook her hair back, " My emotions just washed me away there was no stopping it, I was drowning, and he was right there holding me up, helping me breath, taking everything I threw at him and kept coming back for more."

Dawn gapped at her sister, "uessuess you really were 'monster wrestling' not Spike, but your emotions."

"No Dawn he is a monster. He's a vampire. He doesn't have a soul." She pleaded.

" Big deal! He loves you. Souls don't mean squat. Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin Dada, Ted Bundy, Jeffrey Daumer all had souls, did it make them any better?"

"But..."

Dawn cut her off, " Spike and I talked a lot this summer, and I wanted to know what being a vampire was like so I asked him"

"Dawn!"

"Don't go getting wiggins now, just listen. Basically a vampire is a human that was drained to the point of death, the nearer to death the stronger the demon that takes over with the vampire blood." She cleared her throat.

" The stronger the Vampire that does the turning the stronger the demon. But we talked about it, in Spikes case. Dru was not that strong, and she probably didn't drain him all that much. The reason we think that is cause when he woke up he wasn't all that hot to reek death and destruction." She stared in to Buffy's eyes.

" He was part of the 'Scourge of Europe' and he had to live up to or down to Angelus and Darla's code. He said that the Judge dissed him as too human. But the Judge liked Angelus."

Dawn smiled, " I believe it's because there is good in Spike, there is love in him, and it's for us."

"Dawn, when...how... I don't ... I need to think about this." Buffy stammered.

" Ok, just thought you ought to look at it from where I see it. Not expecting any answers now." Dawn replied.

They began to shuffle the papers on the table, " Promise me you won't say a word to the rest of the gang, Dawn. I need to think this through."

Dawn used puppy dog eyes as she pleaded, "Please Buffy, can't I ..."

"NO It is not the time or place, I'll tell them when I'm ready, promise me not a word, not a syllable." She ordered.

"Oh all right." Dawn grumped.


Just then Willow came in and Buffy told her about the household meeting after dinner. The girls started cooking and chattering about their day. After eating and cleaning up the kitchen, they all sat down at the table.

Buffy started, " Wil, we... Dawn and I talked today in our session, and we realized that we need some us time. The Summers girls need to find each other without everyone in our lives. I know your dorm room is still available, and paid for."

She swallowed, "I hope you don't mind but I think it might be for the best if you moved back to campus. That way you can work through your problems, and Dawn and I can find ourselves."

She continued, "This is not the only thing we're changing. I called Giles. Someone and he won't tell me who. Wrote him and proposed that the Watchers Council needed to pay me. One, because I have lived longer than any other slayer in recent history. Two, I am now responsible for my own upkeep. Three, I no longer have a Watcher. And four their only other slayer is in jail."

" He has already gone to them and I should be hearing from them in the next couple of days." She cleared her throat. " If their answer is no. I have Giles permission and blessing to open a Self-Defense school in the training room at the 'Magic Box' so that I can be home with Dawn."

"Oh...I see" Willow stammered, " I make one mistake and you're throwing me out."

"Willow, I... it has nothing to do with your problems. It is something Dawn and I need. Today in our session Jule advised us both to start expressing our needs plainly and clearly. My priorities in life are slaying and Dawn." She looked at her friend.

"You are my best friend, I love you, but I can not sacrifice, my sister's nor my own life out of friendship. That only makes me an enabler."

"Never mind what I have Sacrificed for you," Willow shrieked, " I lost Tara, I gave up the Ivy League, I...All for you."

"I never asked you for a thing Wil. If you remember I argued with you about college. I told you to go to leave Sunnydale. That was your choice. And as far as Tara, that was your choice too." Buffy sna bac back.

"Fine" Willow answered in an icy voice, "I'll be out of here by nightfall tomorrow."

She fled up the stairs slamming the door to her room.

Buffy seemed to collapse back in on herself.

"Can we say 'Drama Queen' hehe." Offered Dawn.

"Don't be snarky, that was hard to do." Buffy sighed.

"I know, I'm proud of you." Dawn hugged her sister.

"Will you be Ok by yourself tonight?" I need to patrol." Buffy asked.

Dawn giggled, "Yeah, no homework. I'll be fine. You and Spike take as long as you need" snickering she headed up stairs.

"Dawn, Lock the door. I 'm going" Buffy called.

"OK! Night Buffy" floated down the stairs.

"Night Brat" Buffy called back as she headed out to patrol.
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