Now and Then

Spike shifted his back against the headboard and reached for his smokes. Lighting one, he continued to watch Buffy sleep. He had, in fact, been doing that for close to two hours now and he was still no closer to a great understanding than when he had started. He had no idea how the events of last night were supposed to fit into their new-found ‘relationship’. He had been prepared to act as a sire to her fledgling, nothing more. Now he was seriously in danger of slipping back into the same old dance they had tired out years ago. Reaching out a hand, he lightly fingered the almost- faded scars on her neck.

"It just is."

Buffy’s words bounced along in his brain and came to a grinding halt.

It just is… what? A reason? An excuse? Just one more bleedin crumb to torment me with?

Tightening his hand and his resolve, Spike continued his journey along her flesh. He quietly relived the many times he had done this exact gesture in the past. Splaying his hand, he pressed it against a place that used to bring him a deep sense of comfort. The reassurance he had always put so much faith in was gone; the tiny thrum and rhythm of her heart beating steadily beneath his fingertips was silent. Spike stared at his hand, then at the skin beneath it. She used to be gold, now she was almost as pale as he was. A few more days and nothing would be left of the golden tan.

How could she let this happen?…… Scratch that, how did they let this happen? Those bloody friends of hers, always running off at the mouth, telling her what was right and who was wrong. Surprised they let her out of their bleedin sight long enough for…..

Spike let the thought die a natural death. He had no idea what had happened in the years since he had left but he’d figured out one thing. The Scoobies were not quite the close knit little group they used to be. If the simple fact that she was with him hadn’t proved that, then the events of the previous evening sure as hell had. The Buffy he remembered would never have played with her friends that way. Obviously things had changed, the question now was, how much? What had finally pushed her over the edge, and how long had she been standon ion it? Spike ground out his cigarette in frustration. The questions just seemed to grow and the answers were slipping further away.

At least this time, you know where you stand…….maybe

Was he Buffy’s stand-in sire? Or was she just supposed to be the best shag of his unlife? Maybe it was something more, maybe this was the chance they’d never had.

Right mate, cause a lack of soul is gonna make the chit finally realize you’re her one true love.

Spike felt like he was banging his head against a wall that kept punching him back. Then again, that was the general feeling he always got when it came to this particular girl. A small voice kept whispering to him to take the high road, and he mildly wondered if it was his demon talking or the last vestiges of a William he had long thought buried. Spike studied Buffy’s sleeping form.

Probably both

He decided the high road ,as in ‘just a sire road’, was a good place to be at the moment. Maybe there he could hold onto that last piece of sanity he was desperately clinging to. No pain there, no unrequited love….no Buffy.
Staring up at the ceiling, Spike gave voice to his thoughts.

"You gotta understand, Buffy. I can take care of you, teach you, protect you with my bloody life if need be. But I can’t let you in again. I just can’t."

Spike shoved himself off the bed, anger, frustration and more than a touch of regret making his movements jerky and uncoordinated. Rolling his shoulders, he tried to come to grips with his rampant emotions.

Right then, plan first, angst and torment later.

He needed to get her some clothes and get them the hell out of Sunnyhell……. once and for all. Pulling on a spare pair of jeans, he walked to the desk to write her a note. Glancing back at the bed, he silently wondered how long he could hold out.

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Buffy blinked her eyes open and stared down the tunnel that Spike had retreated into moments before. Sitting up, she picked up the note he’d placed on the pillow beside her. It told her to stay put, he’d be back soon. A single tear dripped onto the page and she brushed absently at her eyes, whispering into the darkness.

"Not can’t, Spike……..won’t."

The note fell silently to floor, unnoticed by the girl caught in the struggle of her own emotions. She rolled her shoulders in the same gesture she had watched Spike use, for exactly the same purpose. Climbing off the bed, she began to investigate a dresser she had spotted last night hidden in a corner.

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Spike raised his hand and shifted the bag containing Buffy’s new clothes. Dropping his arm for the fifth time in a row he glared at the dorm room door.

Quit being such a bleedin’ wanker. She’s just a little girl.

He knew this was a bad idea, but something in him couldn’t let him leave without letting Dawn know that Buffy was safe. Especially after Buffy’s drama act the night before. Drawing on reserves of resolve, he brought his hand up in a rapid knock, hoping some higher power would let the Nibblet be alone. He could hear shuffling in the dorm room and stepped back a bit, waiting for the door to be opened. Seconds later Dawn’s roommate opened the door. Spike bit down hard on the growl of frustration building in his throat.

Why doesn’t anything I do go right……one bloody time…..just once…..

Clenching his jaw, he leaned against the door jamb, regarding the girl in front of him.

"Is Dawn here?"

The girl gave him the patented ‘oooh hottie alert look’ and tossed her hair suggestively.

"Noooo, she’s out. But you could come in and wait, if you want."

When in the bloody hell are these twits gonna learn not to invite strangers in?

Pushing back the urge to show this girl why the words ‘come in’ should be wiped from her vocabulary, Spike gritted his teeth and smiled.

"No. Just tell her Uncle Spike stopped by and that her Aunt Anne is doing fine."

A look of confusion passed her face and Spike absently wondered why. He didn’t have long to ponder.

"Another Uncle? You’re way cuter than the last one."

Somethinartearted to freeze up in Spike’s gut.

"Last one? I didn’t know Dawn had any uncles….errr….other uncles."

"Some old guy with a ponytail", the girl leaned into him as if imparting a huge secret, " I think he upset her pretty bad."

The ice swiftly spread through to his veins and Spike grabbed the girl’s arm, shoving her roughly into the room.

"Pony tail? What did he say?"

Apparently his looks didn’t surpass his level of charm because the girl went from part time vixen to shrinking violet in less than a second. Scared and shaking, she could barley stumble out a reply.

"I d…dddidn’t h…hear"

Spike pushed her on a bed and drew a hand over his face, trying to calm down and stop his features from morphing. He kept his human features but could do nothing about the growl radiating through his voice.

"How do you know he was her uncle then?"

"Cause’ Dawn said she was leaving for a bit with her Uncle Jules."

Spike took off down the hall at a dead run.

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Buffy leaned against the side of the dorm building….. waiting.

I’m not following him.

She reiterated the affirmation for the tenth time to herself.

It’s not my fault he just happened to be going to the exact same place at the exact same time.

Some part of her, one she wasn’t even sure she recognized anymore, had to make sure her sister knew that she was okay. That part was the same churning vortex of emotions that she had been avoiding for too many years to count now. With recent circumstances, it was getting more difficult to push it all down.

Buffy stared up at the sky and asked herself the same question Spike had been pondering earlier.

How did I get here?

She had tried, really, really tried. There should have been a plaque, a certificate….. something.

Buffy Summers
The Slayer the world depended on.
The Friend the Scoobies wanted
The sister she needed to be

Okay maybe not, too wordy, She mused, How about a nice simple, ‘You sacrificed your life and all your chances at happiness, thanks’.

Buffy stared up at the lights in the building and watched reflectively as one was turned out and nothing but darkness remained. Her power went out the day Spike left. That little switch in her brain that said ‘you’re miserable, how about ice cream?’, had quietly turned itself off. Without someone constantly nagging at her to feel and live it was much easier to just be……to just exist.

It had taken the ‘all knowing’, ‘all seeing’ Scoobies close to four years to figure it out. They were so caught up in their own lives that they never noticed she had just quietly dried up and blown away. Whether they knew it or not, she had evolved into the Buffy they had created or, more to the point, the one they’d wanted. A few months ago Willow had tried to talk to her, but it was a huge case of too little, too late. Buffy felt a now painfully familiar churning in her gut and fought hard to push it down as her last real conversation with Willow came swimming to the surface.

‘Buffy….Buffy….Are you listening?"

"Huh, oh sorry…long night. What were we talking about?"

"Well I was talking about Anya’s baby shower. What’s going on with you Buffy? You don’t seem all here lately."

A snort escaped Buffy and she couldn’t help the sarcasm that slipped into her voice.

"I haven’t been here lately. Nice of you to notice."

"What’s that supposed to mean? I’ve had a lot going on, everyone has. Sorry if we haven’t been at your every beck and call, but we do have lives too", Sarcasm has become Willow’s closest friend over the years and she never hesitated to use it, "Besides, from what I hear, you haven’t been lacking in companionship."

Buffy felt her body stiffen, but tried to keep her voice even.

"What are trying to say, Will?"

"I’m not saying anything. I just think maybe you should think about the example you’re setting for Dawn."

"The example I’m setting for….", Buffy felt a wave of judgement washing over her, and she gave in to the anger she always kept such a tight control on, "I have given up everything for her. Everything, so don’t you dare sit there and lecture me about the few moments of escape I get in a day."

"Escape? That’s what those guys are to you? An escape? What happened to you Buffy? The Buffy I knew would never-"

"The Buffy you knew! Is this a joke? There is no Buffy you knew. She died a long time ago and no one bothered to notice."

"That’s not true! You’re still you. Look, maybe you just need a rest. You know, recharge the Buffy battery."

Buffy let out a bitter laugh and stood up from the table.

" No Willow, I’m not me. I don’t know who that is anymore. I’m what you made me…….. what you all made me."

Buffy shook her head to clear the memories and scrubbed at her eyes. It still hurt. To Willow’s credit, she had kept trying to get through the years of defenses Buffy had built. It was even possible she would have succeeded, but not anymore. Now she was what someone else had made her. In retrospect, maybe she should thank him for freeing her from the void she had willingly flung herself into……..most likely though, she would probably just stake his ass.

Arrogant bastard

She had been shocked when Spike had said he’d seen the schmuck who vamped her. She honestly thought he would haeen een long gone. Especially after she had told him, in no uncertain terms, that if she ever saw him again, there would be no end to the pain she would inflict. Mind you, she had been bleeding to death at the time, but still a threat was a threat. And a promise was a promise.

Pushing thoughts of future retribution aside, Buffy glanced up at Dawn’s window.

What, is he having tea? Chatting about how her dear ole sis screwed up again?

Things were really starting to get pathetic. When had she been reduced to lurking in the bushes? Completely ignoring the fact that she had chosen to wait outside instead of confronting her some-time lover, Buffy placed the blame where she felt it most comfortably fit.

This is all Spike’s fault.

Internally bitching about how much she hated him in that completely non-hating way, Buffy was cut off by a scream to her left.

Sprinting around the side of the building, she almost ran smack into a vamp feeding on someone. A student, judging from the books scattered on the ground. Buffy rolled her eyes.

Oh gee what are the odds…

Putting on her best annoyed face, Buffy tapped him on the shoulder.

"You know, I’m busy planning my future. Would you mind not eating people while I’m thinking? All that screaming is kinda distracting."

The vamp dropped the boy abruptly and turned to face her.

"How bout I plan your future for you? Like in five seconds, you become my dessert."

Buffy cocked her head to the side and placed a hand on her hip. Flashing her fangs, she glared at the fledgling.

"I’m going to start a petition. No more turning idiots. Can you spell your name, for the sake of the cause?"

A look of confusion etched itself on his face which, if possible, made him look even dumber.

" What are you bugging me for? Get your own dinner." What should have been menacing sounded suspiciously more like a whine, "Hey wait a minute. Don’t I know you?"

Buffy sighed and decided that petition was a great plan. Reaching behind her, she pulled a limb off a tree.

"No, I don’t think you do."

"Yeah I do, you’re Slutty the Va-"

Buffy stared at the pile of dust at her feet.

"You know, I really hate that name."

A choking noise alerted her to the predicament of the fledgling’s intended dinner. Dropping her impromptu stake, she ran over and lifted him up, her fingers pressed against the gash in his neck.

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"Oh bloody hell!"

Spike watched as Buffy jumped a foot and almost dropped the boy in her arms. Stalking over to her, he ripped the kid away and examined his neck. A sharp pain twisted through his heart and Spike dropped the corpse. It was taking more than he realized to resign himself to the fact that Buffy was a vampire now. A vamp who still had a lot to learn. He grabbed Buffy and started to pull her off towards the direction of his car.

"Are you trying to get yourself dusted? This is a public soddin’ place. Anyone could come along. Including those prats you used to run with. It’s all well and fine that you want to test your teeth, but have a little decorum, pet."

Spike glanced down at Buffy, or rather at the place Buffy should have been beside him. Skidding to a halt, he whipped around and found her standing a few feet away, leaning calmly against the wall of a building. Spike raised his eyes to the sky as if to plead for guidance. It took him a moment to realize what he was doing and it only served to fuel his frustration.

Now she’s got me bloody praying, of all things.

Spike released the hold he had on his jaw and moved back towards her.

"This is not the time for a tantrum, Buffy. As usual, little sis got herself in trouble. What is it with you two? Is it genetic?"

Buffy’s bored gaze suddenly sharpened.

"Dawn? What happened to Dawn?"

"Oh sure, now you care. Seems to be a shortage of that where you’re concerned. Well maybe if you hadn’t been snacking on the locals, you would have been upstairs finding out what I did."

Spike shifted an accusatory glance at the body lying a few feet away. Then back to Buffy taking in her defiant stance. Her defiant, completely clothed, stance.

"What the hell are you wearing? And while you’re at it, care to explain what you’re doing here in the first place. I could have sworn I left a note telling you to bloody well stay put."

Spike watched in reluctant fascination as Buffy ground her teeth together. Whatever was coming next did not look like an apology.

"First off, I didn’t kill him, and on a side note, thanks a lot for the faith. Second, since when have I ever done what you tell me? And as for the clothes, cause’ I’m real curious here, how long, exactly, were you going to keep it a secret that I was sleeping in Harmony’s fucking bed?

If possible, Spike got paler. "Oh that…well….ummm….you see"

Buffy raised a hand in front of his face and flipped her hair with the other. "Save it, doesn’t matter now. What happened to Dawn?"

"Right then, back to business. No discussing anything that might mean something to you, that would be wrong. You know, there might be a pill somewhere to remove that stake you’ve got permanently shoved up your ass."

"Spike" There was an undercurrent of warning in her voice and Spike took heed.

" Don’t know for sure, she apparently left with her ‘Uncle Jules’. The twit upstairs said she was upset, so I am assuming he told her something happened to you."

"Any idea where he would have taken her?"

"Jules has a house here, he uses it for special meetings. The kind that only the best demons get invited to. I imagine that’s where he would be."

"And you know where this place is."

"Sure, been there lots of times."

"Really? How many times have you been back without telling me, Spike?"

Spike glared at the wall above her head.

"This year?"

Buffy punched him in the stomach.

"We will discuss this later. Right now we need to find Dawn and-"

Her reply was cut short as a band of electricity wrapped itself around her body. The pain was excruciating and she dropped to the ground in seconds. From her position, she watched in horror as two men with stun guns picked up Spike and started to drag him away. Pushing herself up on her knees, Buffy tried to stand. A second wave of electricity was forced through her system and Buffy collapsed in a heap, unconscious.

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Buffy banged on the door again and began shuffling her feet back and forth. Muttering "come one, come on, I can hear you", under her breath.

As if on cue, the door swung open and Buffy tried to keep the hurt off her face as she stared at her oldest friend.

"Buffy!"

"Willow", Buffy nudged the unseen barrier between them with her toe, "Are you going to invite me in?"

"Oh……ummm…..well that is…."

"I see", Buffy said quickly, "We can talk this way. I need you to find a house for me?"

"What? I thought that you were leaving……..that is I assumed that you would go away……I mean, I……."

"I get what you meant. Not that kind of house. Well, yes actually that kind of house, but somebody lives there already. I need to find an address. Will you do it?"

Suspicion clouded Willow’s features and Buffy’s heart broke just a little bit more.

"Why?"

"Because someone took Dawn and Spike. I need to get them back."

"Dawn! What? Who took Dawn?"

Buffy didn’t bother to hide the glare marring her features.

"And Spike….both of them." She enunciated, nothing ever changed. "Spike didn’t have time to give me the address before those goons shot us."

"Goons? Shot? Are you okay?"

Willow reached out a hand towards her, then seemed to think better of it and let her arm drop to her side.

"Are you gonna help me or play twenty questions?"

"I’m just trying to understand what happened."

"They shot us with stun guns. Some mafia guy took Dawn and now he has Spike too."

"Why did they leave you?"

"I’m still trying to figure out how they knew about Dawn in the first place. I mean, unless they figured out who I was, but still, why would they take just Spike? It doesn’t make sense."

"Figured out who you were?"

"It would be helpful if you could keep up with all the pertinent points of this conversation. Namely, Spike and Dawn, but since you asked, think about it Will. A slayer, turned. Someone has to be curious about what happens."

"What does happen?"

"Oh, we go psycho and kill people who ask too many questions."

"That’s not funny, Buffy."

"No it’s not, is it. But neither is waking up to find the people who you built your life around are trying to kill you."

"That’s not fair. We tried to get your soul back, but it didn’t work cause’ ,well, we already did it once. We thought we were doing the right thing. We thought it was the for the best.

"Well you guys are the authority on what’s best for me, aren’t you."

The two girls stood in the doorway glaring at each other, a wealth of broken dreams littering the floor between them.

Buffy glanced over Willow’s shoulder at Tara, who had stepped up to diffuse the brewing battle. Buffy offered her a small tight smile, but it seemed to be enough. The hesitation in Tara’s eyes cleared and she nodded slightly in Buffy’s direction.

"Come in Buffy. Willow and I will start looking for this house and you can explain what happened. We’ll get Dawn back."

"And Spike."

Tara smiled gently, and took her hand, leading her into the apartment.

"And Spike."

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"Nice of you to grace us with yoreseresence."

Spike pushed himself up into a sitting position and blinked groggily at the face looming in his line of vision. Whatever they has shot him with must have dislodged something in his brain because as much as he tried to focus all he was getting was a hazy blur. The voice was not one he was likely to forget however.

"Why don’t you just sod off?"

Spike felt himself being lifted and thrown into a chair. Clutching his aching head, he tried to make sense of what Jules was saying.

"It has been brought to my attention that we were, perhaps, a little too hasty with you. As it was pointed out, I invested a lot of time and money in you and it would be a pity to put that to waste."

"Really? Who would bother pointing that out?"

"I did."

Spike turned his head slightly at the new voice and Abby’s face swam into view. Jules grabbed Spike’s chin and forced Spike’s gaze back to him.

"So, here’s the thing. We will forget this unfortunate incident and move on."

"Just like that."

"Yes, of course. It seems you have a way with the ladies, Spike. Who am I to stand in the way of true love."

Spike was still trying to grasp the concept of forgive and forget. One true love was not something he could even begin to contemplate.

"Well, except for one little minor detail."

Spike groaned, "What’s that?", there always had to be a catch.

 
"You are going to need to remove an obstacle that might cloud your work ethic."

"Oh please enlighten me as to what you bloody gits consider a cloud in ethics."

"We are speaking of that one little weakness that crawls under your skin and mucks up the works. Everyone has one, apparently even vampires. I must say I was quite disappointed. I did some research after you left our meeting so suddenly and discovered some interesting information. Seems you have a nasty habit of letting your emotions guide you. So the way I figure it, if you remove the influence, then everything else will come along nicely."

Spike’s limited amount of patience broke, "Cut the cryptic crap and get to the point. You’re beginning to bore me."

A slight chuckle filled the air around Spike and he shivered slightly at the coldness in the sound.

"Simple, you kill your weakness. Or more to the point, you kill the Slayer. We see that you are what we want you to be. Everyone wins. Abby is even willing to overlook your little transgression. One big happy family."

It took Spike a moment to form his next sentence, because a huge lump had developed in his throat and he was hard pressed to push sound past it. At least that was the excuse he gave himself when his next words came out as mostly a rushed whisper.

"How did you figure out who the slayer is?"

"Oh, was that a secret? We reviewed your cell phone records, made a few calls and after hearing about that horrible display of you sacrificing yourself to save her sister, it wasn’t hard to figure out. Tsk tsk Spike. A slayer, your mortal enemy. How pathetic."

Spike found his voice and a healthy dose of sarcasm accompanied it.

"So that’s it. Kill the slayer and all is well. Don’t you think I’ve tried that? How do you propose I kill her? She’s a whily little wench, you know."

"Have a little faith, my boy. You have us now and we gift wrap."

Jules turned to the men lining the wall and snapped his fingers.

"Bring her in."

Spike craned his neck to see the struggling form being unceremoniously hauled into the room. His vision was still blurry and at first all he could see was a rush of movement until they deposited a bundle at his feet. Spike stared down into blue eyes.

"Dawn?"