Quantum Xander II: In Wake of the Curse

Part 55

“You got it?”

“Wait. I’m not to the ‘got it’ place yet. I’m still in the neighborhood of ‘you’ve gotta be kidding’.”

Buffy sighed.

“You know it’s for the good.”

“I don’t. I have power now; finally I have something to offer in the fight against evil besides my wicked carpentry skills. Buffy, do you get that?”

“I know. That’s why I need you to do this. Xander; I need someone that I can count on no matter what happens.”

Xander shook his head.

“I just always thought that I would… I would be there with you… you know, for the end.”

Buffy looked indignantly at him.

“Hey.”

“Well, not that this is the end.”

Xander babbled and then grinned at her.

“Thanks a lot.”

“No, no, no. By the end, I meant, uh… a heroic, uplifting way.”

Buffy smiled at him.

“I know what you meant.”

“I should be at your side. That’s all I’m saying.”

“You will be. You’re my strength, Xander. You’re the reason I made it this far. I trust you with my life. That’s why I need you to do this for me.”

Xander’s shoulders slumped and he shook his head sadly.

“I’m sorry Buffy. I can’t. I need to be here for this. I can’t explain it, but I just know that my place is here. I promise I’ll do whatever it takes to keep Dawn safe, but I can’t leave. Besides, do you really think she would leave willingly?”

Buffy smiled a bit sheepishly and pulled a bottle of chloroform out of her pocket.

“I kinda doubted it.”

Xander laughed a bit and shook his head.

“You thought I’d actually knock her out?”

“Hey, it’s not as if all the women are jumping at the chance to run away with you.”

Xander looked at her affronted.

“Don’t look at me like that. You’re the one who said I’m gonna die.”

Buffy walked toward the door. Xander followed her, scowling playfully.

“I never said you were gonna die. I-I implied that you were gonna die. It’s totally different.”

“Yeah, Okay. Sure.”

“Besides, if you die, I’ll just bring you back to life.”

Xander shrugged his shoulders.

“That’s what I do.”

The two vampires had overheard the entire conversation and were both at odds with their feelings. On the one hand they both wanted Xander by their sides where they could watch out for him, but on the other hand, if he had agreed to take Dawn and run, then he would be safe. The fact that Xander had power, that he was more than capable of looking out for himself, never crossed their minds. As far as they were concerned, it didn’t matter. Xander belonged to them and they protected what was theirs. Of course, the wanting Xander beside them won out over any other feeling so they were both relieved by his refusal to leave.

Spike - the darker of the two - had no qualms about leaving with his mate if he had decided to run. He didn’t owe these people anything; the only reason he agreed to fight was because of his mate, and because he liked the world as is, but if Xander had left, he would have gone too. It wasn’t so cut and dried for the peroxide vampire. These people were family to him. Okay, so Buffy and Dawn were family to him. The others - Giles and the witches - were merely people who abided his presence and didn’t actively try to kill him. The potentials were just scared little girls learning that the world was a crueler place than they’d thought. He pitied them. But moreover he pitied himself, ’cause if Xander had agreed to leave with Dawn, he knew he wouldn’t have been able to follow. He owed Buffy far too much to just abandon her in her darkest hour. Whether she thought she needed him or not, he knew that his place was here, just as Xander did.

As Buffy came into the room, her eyes locked on those of the blond demon and she smiled hesitantly. She looked behind her and saw the other Spike pull Xander into his arms and kiss him. She shook her head at the weirdness and then after another look at the blond vampire went back into the kitchen. Spike stood and followed the silent summons. He found her holding the scythe and staring out the window into the darkness.

“So you did it. Fulfilled your mission. Found the Holy Grail. Or the Holy Hand Grenade, or whatever the hell that is.”

Buffy turned away from the window and faced Spike.

“Right now we’re going with scythe. You like?”

“Well, pointy and wooden is not exactly the look I wanna know better, but it does have flair. Can see why a girl would ditch a fella for one of these.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It doesn’t matter. You’re back in the bosom. All’s forgiven. And, uh,” he stood in front of Buffy, looking at her, “last night…was just a glitch. A bit of cold comfort from the cellar dweller. Let’s don’t make a thing out of it.”

“Great. I have work to do.”

Buffy turned her back to the vampire once again.

“Oh, yeah. Another solo mission, of course.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“That’s fine. You don’t have to get shirty about it.”

Spike turned to leave the room. He suddenly wanted to feel Xander’s arms around him, to remind himself that he had someone real, someone who loved him, who he loved in return. He didn’t understand why being around Buffy made him act this way. He was over the slayer. So why did she still have the capability to make him so damn defensive?

“I’m not shirty. And what is shirty? That’s not even a word.”

“All right. All right. Big secret mission. It’s fine.”

And it was fine. He knew she was more than capable of looking out for herself. She didn’t need him, and truthfully he wanted to be with Xander anyway, not off trolling around in the dark with Buffy on some secret mission.

“It’s not a secret. Well, I mean, it is, but that’s the point of the mission. Find out the secret. This thing was forged by - I don’t even know. I mean, something about… a tomb on unconsecrated ground. That’s what I have to do. I need to find out what this is and why I have it.”

Spike looked closer at the weapon and then looked at Buffy.

“And that’s the thing the preacher man was so anxious to keep out of your mitts?”

“That it is.”

“Well, maybe I’ll swing by the vineyard when you go, take Xander and the other me; make sure he’s sitting tight.”

“Great.”

“Okay.”

Spike headed for the doorway again only to be stopped by a soft hand on his shoulder.

“Spike, You’re a dope.”

“I’m a what?”

There was genuine confusion on his face as he turned to look at her.

“You’re a dope. And a bonehead. And you’re shirty.”

“Have you gone completely carrot-top?”

Buffy just smiled.

“Do you see this?”

She held up the scythe.

“This may actually help me fight my war. This might be the key to everything. And the reason I’m holding it is because of you. Because of the strength that you gave me last night. Because you held me and told me you believed in me. Because I really needed a friend and you were there for me. You made me believe in myself again. I don’t know what you felt, how you feel about last night but…”

Spike cut her off.

“Terrified.”

“Of what?”

Spike took a moment to think about what he felt, how last night had changed him, changed how he felt about Buffy, how he felt about Xander - hell, how it changed how he felt about the other Spike coming back.

“Last night was… God, I’m such a jerk. I can’t do this.”

“Spike…”

“It was one of the best nights of my life. If you poke fun at me, you bloody well better use that, ’cause I couldn’t bear it. It may not mean that much to you, but…”

“I just told you it did.”

“I’ve never really had a friend before, Buffy - well not before Xander, and now I feel like I do. I loved you, still love you, but last night, I held you in my arms as you slept and I realized that as much as I loved you, I love Xander more. I didn’t think I could ever love anyone more than you. I was gonna stake Dru for you! So, terrified pretty much sums it up, but at the same time, I feel free. You freed me.”

“From what?”

“Fear. Of not being good enough. You trusted me to keep you safe when your world was falling apart. You made me realize that I’m worth something, that I have value. That I didn’t need to be afraid that Xander was gonna forget about me now that the other Spike is here. That I can be loved for myself. He tried to tell me, but I was too afraid to listen.”

“He does love you. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you, when he talks about you. It’s real, Spike.”

Spike ran his hands through his hair.

“Did you ever love me, Buffy? Even a little?

“I… I don’t know. What we did, what we had, it was so…”

“Messed up? Wrong? Doomed to fail?”

“Yeah. I used you, and I regret that. I’m not the one, Spike. Xander is. I get that now. If things were different now, maybe you and I…”

“No.”

Spike held up his hand to stop what she was about to say.

“Let’s just leave it.”

Buffy sighed but nodded her agreement. Maybe she did love him, but he wasn’t her one either, and deep down she always knew that. She just wasn’t sure who her one was anymore.

“We’ll go be heroes. It’s what we do.”

Spike nodded and followed her back out to the living room. Xander reached out for him, and Spike allowed himself to be pulled into his mate’s arms. He felt the gentle press of warm lips on his neck and smiled. Yeah, Xander was definitely the one. He turned his head slightly to the other side and blinked at the open look on the other vampire’s face. Then he rolled his eyes, realizing that he had overheard every word he had spoken to Buffy. Too late to change anything, and he’d just blame it on the soul if he gave him a hard time over it.

“You’re not the only one with fears, mate.”

The unsouled Spike leaned in and whispered to him. Spike nodded his understanding and felt that he was one step closer to letting go of the last of his apprehension.

“Well, as much fun as this is.”

Buffy spoke up.

“I have to go track down the maker of this scythe. Spike? You still planning on swinging by the vineyard?”

Spike looked to Xander and his double and at their nods he answered.

“Yeah.”

“Good, let’s move then. We don’t know how much longer we have.”

Xander stood and followed Buffy into the dark night, his vampires on either side of him. They climbed into the car and drove toward the vineyard as Buffy set out on foot. He really just wanted to go home and fall into bed between his lovers and sleep until the apocalypse had passed once again.