So Damn Domestic

The Same Night. BPOV


I don’t know how I got here, but I feel safe. Somehow I just know that nothing here can hurt me. I slowly open my eyes but I have to shut them because of the blinding light. It takes me a couple of minutes but I finally adjust, and the light doesn’t hurt anymore. From where I’m laying I can see the sky with a few white puffy clouds lazily moving across the endless blue. The sun is shining brightly warming everything its rays softly kiss. I slowly sit up and I can’t help but notice that I’m in a field of white daisies. I can’t help but laugh a little bit at how ridiculous this all this. It’s so much like a dream, but it doesn’t feel like one, it feels so real. My fingertips are even dusted with the powder from the butterfly’s wing that I reached out and gently touched. It flutters away and disappears amongst the white and green.


I look down at my body when I feel that I’m not almost naked like I was just a little while ago. I’m wearing a white sundress that has spaghetti straps and the skirt ends about half an inch above my knees. I’m also wearing white flip flops and my toenails are painted a lavender color. I look at my fingernails and cringe to see that I’m sporting matching toe and fingernails. Lavender, not one of my favorite colors. I’ll wear the occasional outfit that is lavender based but I’d never painted my nails this color. I watch as a light breeze gently moves the daisies around. Everything seems so calm, and peaceful, and daisy filled. Ok, I need to get up, I’m starting to get flashbacks from Alice in Wonderland when the flowers thought she was a weed.


I stand up and take a look around. There are daisies as far as the eye can see, along with a few butterflies here and there, but there’s also a clearing. A clearing that has really short grass and a large pond. Behind the pond is a large oak tree that’s providing a decent amount of shade to the area it covers. An area that’s filled with laughter, and the sound of splashing. The sounds bring a small smile to my lips and I slowly make my way towards the clearing. I pick a couple of daisies along the way ‘cause why not, right? I’m here, I might as well enjoy it while I can. I don’t know how this is possible, but the tingles I’m getting on the back of my neck are affirming that it is really happening. I guess they feel it too because they look over at me with big smiles on their faces.


“Mommy ” Addison screams at the top of her lungs and starts running towards me. Her hair is on either side of her head in little dog ears that are being held in place by little pink hair ties. She’s wearing her light pink bathing suit and she’s soaking wet from head to toe. I squat down and hold my arms out and brace myself for the impact. Her little body collides with mine and I instantly wrap my arms around her in a tight hug. We stay like this for about a minute before she pulls back. I give her a little kiss on the cheek and she smiles wide, showing off her dimples. “Me and Brother are swimming, Mommy.” I smile at her and laugh a little bit. On the inside I’m frowning a little. The fact that she just hugged me and my dress didn’t get wet just reminds me that this is only a dream, and that I’ll be waking up to an entirely different world.


“I see that.” I stand up and she holds onto my hand and leads me over to their little spot. There’s a large red and white checkered blanket, with a large picnic basket in the middle. Matthew is still in the water, but he swims to the shore and sits down on the blanket next to me and his sister. “How long have you two been here?” I want to keep this as lighthearted as possible. This might be the last time I ever get to see them, I don’t want it to be filled with tears and painful emotions. They notice the slight drop in my smile and I rush to cover it up. “You two go play, I’ll be fine right here. I’ll just see what’s in the basket.” They both run off for the water and start playing. All at once I’m bombarded with ‘watch what I can do Mom ’ and ‘Mommy watch this ’ or ‘keep looking before you miss it ’


I just smile and nod my head and sometimes clap, depending on what the little trick is. Matthew will hunch over in the swollen end and then leap out towards the deeper part of the pond, and so far he’s been able to do a spin in midair before hitting the water. It is pretty impressive. I know that he’s using his slayer abilities because he does the same thing at home in the swimming pool. Addison is sticking to the shallows. I guess it doesn’t matter that this is a slayer dream, she can’t swim in real life so she thinks she’ll drown if she tries to swim here. What she is doing, is walking out until the water is up to her armpits, then dunking her head under the water and then springing out. And I guess it’s just natural instinct for me and Matthew to keep a very close eye on her to make sure she doesn’t go too deep. She decides to take a little break and sits down on the grass and watches her brother swimming around the pond.


I sigh a little bit even though I try not to. I don’t want to be feeling a little depressed right now. I should be happy, I’m here with my kids and they’re having fun. This is how it should be. But the thought of waking up and them not being there, the thought of never seeing them again after this moment, it is a depressing one. I start to dig through the basket just to take my mind off things. There’s lots of different fruits: sliced apples, oranges, strawberries, grapes, cantaloupe, watermelon, and honeydew. There’s also some fried chicken, different kinds of sandwiches, some sodas, and juice boxes. It’s a really nice spread, it’s a shame that I’m not hungry. I look up when I hear the blanket ruffle a little and Addison is standing by the edge of it looking at me with a small smile. I close the lid to the basket and smile back at her.


“Mommy can I sit with you?” she asks and looks at me through her eyelashes. I can already tell that when she’s a teenager not only is she going to be a hell raiser, but she’s going to flirt to get her way at school, and pout to get her way at home. Mark my words, that will most likely happen. I tell her ‘of course baby’ and situate myself a little differently in case she wants to sit on my lap and she frowns a little bit. “I’m not a baby.” I try not to smile and apologize. And she sits down on my lap just like I knew she would, and starts digging through the basket. She pulls out one of the juice boxes and has me unwrap the straw and stab it through the little slot in the box where it’s to go. I hand it back to her and she leans against my chest, the back of her wet head is using my breastbone as a pillow, if this is a dream why does that kind of hurt? I want to pretend it isn’t a dream, that we really are here at this place, and we’re having a good time, and we have nothing to fear or worry about at home. But I know it’s a dream because if this were real then Faith would be here with us.


“Are you having fun here, Addy?” I ask and she nods her head a little. I guess she isn’t done with her juice. It’s rare that I actually call my kids by the nicknames that Faith gives them. I don’t know why I do that. It’s not like people run around calling me Elizabeth. I call Addison angel girl sometimes, but not a lot. I just think it’s a little weird that I don’t have little nicknames for my kids. My mom called Dawn punkin belly for years. And I was a little hurt when Mom told me she didn’t have any names for me. Will my kids be like that? I don’t know. It’s impossible to tell what they’ll do when they’re older since they’re still so young. And I can’t help but get a little sad because I feel like this is the last time I’m going to see them. I feel like the powers set this up so I can have one last peaceful day with my kids, so I can say goodbye. I hate that I’m getting a little depressed right now because I want this time with my kids to be a happy time and not filled with all these bad emotions.


“Matthew!” I call out and he looks over at me, and wipes some water off his face. “Come have lunch with us!” He nods his head a little and starts swimming for the shore. I move Addison off my lap and she complains a little bit, mumbles something about being comfortable and now she’s not, and I can’t help but smile. She’s so much like Faith that it’s almost a little scary. She may not look a lot like Faith, but sometimes she acts just like her. Or maybe it’s Faith that acts like Addison? Sometimes when Faith is turned on and trying to get me worked up I’ll tease her a little and she starts to whine, and pout just like a little kid when someone tries to take away their favorite toy. I like the idea of being Faith’s favorite toy. I smile a little bit as I unpack the basket. At the bottom of it I find some plates and plastic wear and I pull those out and dish out the food for the kids. I look up at them and frown a little. They’re still really wet from the swimming, and in the shade they’re not going to dry off.


“Aren’t there any towels so you two can dry off?” I ask and look back down at the food. I hear Addison giggling a little bit. I look up to see what’s so funny and my jaw drops open a little. I shouldn’t be this surprised, I mean this is a dream after all. Anyway, both of them are now dry, not a drop of water on them anywhere, and they’re both wearing actual clothes instead of swim wear, and they’re both smiling. I smile back a little bit and raise an eyebrow at what they’re wearing. Matthew is in blue jeans, and a red t-shirt, black sneakers and the laces are untied. His hair is messy as usual because some of it wants to be straight like mine and the rest wants to be curly like Faith’s. I’m just grateful that he wasn’t born a girl because if he was the teenage years would be filled with nothing but complaints about how untamable her hair is.


Addison is wearing a sundress that matches mine almost perfectly. The design is the same, but the color is different. It’s not white, but a light yellow. Which just happens to be her favorite color. The shoes are white strappy sandles, and her hair is down. Her little ringlets bounce around her shoulders a little and I can’t help but smile at the sight. Faith is a little mad that Addison has ‘good hair genes’ and she doesn’t. I think it’s hilarious that an almost middle aged woman is jealous of her three-year-old daughter. Too bad Faith isn’t here so I can tease her about it, it’s one of my favorite things to do. I hand them their plates and a fork and napkin and they start to eat. There’s lots of talk and laughter in between bites and I’m really starting to enjoy myself. With everything that’s been going on I almost forgot how relaxing it is just to spend some time with my kids. I have to get a little serious though because there are some things that I need to know.


“Are you guys doing ok?” I ask and my serious tone stops their laughter. I feel horrible being the one to take that from them. But I need to know. “I know things are bad, but how are you guys holding up?” I put my plate down when I see Addison crawling towards me. She looks so sad now and it’s breaking my heart. My baby girl has a very expressive face and when she’s sad it’s hard not to become sad as well. Not just her expression, but she has this air about her, almost like a magnetic force that draws people to her. She likes to be the center of attention and she doesn’t have to work hard to get it. Her emotions just roll off of her in waves and people are very responsive to them. Especially all of us since we can pick on her subtle body language and not just the big ones.


“I’m scared, Mommy,” she says and I wrap my arms around her and pull her close to me. Her head is resting on my chest and her arms are wrapped around me, and she’s gripping so tight, like holding onto me is keeping her alive or something. “A demon hurt Mama real bad.” So Faith is alive? I feel relief wash over me. I was so sure she died back there in those woods. Now that I’m really thinking about it, she probably waited until she had enough strength to telepathically get a hold of Willow. I’m also relieved because if I don’t make it out of this, if I don’t get away from the demon they’re going to need Faith more then they’ve ever needed her before. I just hope she can be strong for them. I know she’s going to take my death very hard, and she’s going to need a lot of help, but eventually she’s going to have to put her pain aside and be there for the kids. It isn’t going to be easy, but I know she can do it.


“It’s ok, angel girl. Mama’s tough, remember? She’ll be better really soon.” I feel kind of bad saying that because I don’t know how bad Faith’s condition is. Can she even walk after what the demon did to her? Is she paralyzed? All I saw was the demon’s claws going into her back, I don’t know if he hit her spine or not. “It’s ok to be scared. Everything is going to be over soon.” I gently stroke the side of her head and look into Matthew’s eyes. “Your big, brave brother will protect you, won’t he?” I’m asking him more then her. She thinks Matthew is like a knight in shining armor, complete with fancy sword and white hoarse. What I’m really doing is asking Matthew to watch after her because she’s going to need it. He nods his head a little bit and looks down at his feet. I know exactly what he’s thinking, because I’m thinking it too. Who’s going to take care of him? Faith is going to be wrapped up in her own pain for a while, so who’s going to take care of my boy. I smile a little when the answer slowly comes to me.


“And I’m sure scary old grandpa Chris will keep all the monsters away.” Addison laughs a little bit at that. Chris isn’t scary to us at all, he’s just a big ol’ teddy bear once you get to know him. But to the little boy that lives a couple houses down, Brad, the one Addison spends a lot of time with, well Chris is downright terrifying. All Brad had to do was look up at him and he was afraid. It didn’t help that Chris was acting a little protective of Addison and squared his shoulders and used his height against Brad. Poor boy got so scared he wet himself. Good thing he still wears diapers or that would have been a big mess all over my living room carpet.


“Brad’s notta monster, Mommy. And granpa Chris’s not scary. He just looks mean.” He does look kinda mean, and I have to say I do like it. He looks like the kind of guy that if you mess with him he’ll beat the hell out of you, and I can breath easy leaving my kids in his care because I know he won’t let anything bad happen to them. Matthew doesn’t look relieved. I think he knows what I’m trying to imply but I refuse to say. He’s smart enough to catch on really fast. He knows I’m trying to say that I’m not going to be around to take care of them, and they’re going to have to depend on other people now. I move Addison a little to the side and grab onto Matthew’s wrist and pull him to me. Both of their heads are pressed up against my chest, their arms wrapped tightly around me and our legs are tangled up together. It’s a little uncomfortable but I wouldn’t have it any other way.


I try to memorize as many details as I can in this short period of time. The feel of their bodies against mine, the smell of their hair, the feel of their skin, the sounds of their voices, of their breathing. There are so many details that I can’t get a hold of right now. So I take what I can get because it’ll have to be good enough. I don’t have a lot of time. I can feel consciousness starting to pull me out of this place. It feels like an oven on the back of my neck. At first it’s just a little tickle of warmth, nothing more then a tiny whisper letting me know that the inevitable is about to happen. But it starts to heat up, getting hotter and hotter until it feels scorching. I start to panic because I only have a few seconds before I’m going to wake up and all of this will be gone forever.


I push them a little away from me and cup Matthew’s face with my hands. I start placing kisses all over his face, from his forehead to his cheeks and a couple on his lips. Then I do the same to Addison, and both of them are starting to cry. I guess they can feel what’s happening too. Then I pull them tight against me because I don’t ever want to let go. But no matter how hard I hold on, it’s going to happen and that fact is killing me inside.


“I love you,” I tell them when I feel myself starting to fade. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I-” everything is suddenly gone and I’m surrounded by black nothingness as I’m ripped away from that little sanctuary. It feels like I’m being slammed against the ground and suddenly I’m awake. I don’t open my eyes, but I know I’m back at the cave. I can smell the dirt I’m lying in, hear all of the sounds the demon is making as he prepares for whatever it is he’s going to do next. I tighten my eyelids until it feels like my eyes have actually gone numb and I wish as hard as I can that when I open them I’ll be somewhere else. I slowly flutter my eyes open and at first all I see is a series of different colored spots. But those fade away and I’m left staring at the ground and out of the corner of my eye I see the table where the demon is sitting, mixing more things in some other bowls. I can feel the low hum of the electrical wall keeping me trapped in this little prison.


My stomach feels like its on fire and even though I feel exhausted beyond all reason I start to cry. I cry because I can feel little whispers of the memories I now have. Memories of hearing my children’s laughter, hearing them joke around with each other, and even argue a little bit. I can feel their little bodies pressed up against mine and it isn’t fair that it isn’t real. Just a haunting of what I’ll never feel again. I wrap my arm around my stomach because of the burning and I keep crying. I’m sobbing so loudly I can’t hear anything else. My other hand is lying palm down on the cold ground. My fingers are lightly digging at the dirt underneath them. I can feel it building underneath my fingernails but I don’t care. I just want to go back to that place with all the stupid daisies, and the water hole and the big shady tree and be with my kids. But it isn’t going to happen and I want to die.


It isn’t fair! I was forced into that slayer dream with them, and now I’m stuck here! It was nice while it lasted but now I feel empty, and dead inside, and it hurts. You can’t just dangle them in front of me like that and then rip them away. ‘Oh here Buffy, here’s what you want more then anything right now, but you can’t keep so enjoy it while it lasts ‘cause you’re never going to see it again.’ It isn’t fair dammit! And it isn’t fair for them either. Getting to spend that time with me, and then waking up to the hell that I know they’re going through. They’re just babies, they shouldn’t be tortured like that. It isn’t fair at all, and I don’t think I want to live in a world that this cruel. As I slowly cry myself to sleep I pray that I have horrible nightmares because maybe if I have horrible nightmares waking up to this won’t be seem so bad.