Fall From Heaven

Spike was surprised that Angel came clean with him and told him everything about the deal. He now just needed to contact Red and have her shift research mode. He still wanted to get his hands on the contract to see what was in it. Angel refused to let him see it and became defensive telling Spike to “stay the fuck out of” his “personal business.” It was like living with someone that had two distinct personalities. Spike could handle Angel and Angelus, but not knowing which personality would start a conversation and which would end it-- that was the rub. He was constantly on guard over the emotionally wrecked man.

It really wasn’t fair. Spike was sworn not to let the others know about the slow change. Angel was quite clear that his friends were not to be told. Spike laughed because it didn’t rule out Buffy and her friends. Which was a good thing? He could have back up here in less than 14 hours, right? Damn, he thought, that was too long and too far away.

Buffy, he thought, where are you? I need you so bad. But, could he call her for help? Could he let her know that Angel might turn into Angelus soon, if he couldn’t find out how to best Wolfram & Hart at wver ver game they were playing?

He convinced Angel to get out of the house on the pretense that hntednted a second chance at running up Angel’s charge cards with clothes. Spike was okay with the stuff that he had, but he wanted to get Angel out of the office and out of the apartment any excuse was better than the truth.

Spike walked through the mall with Angel. He decided to stop for one of those fancy drinks. Angel just glared at him while he was sipping away. The younger vampire was playing with his straw seductively. Drinking human beverages and eating food was his connection with humanity.

“You should try it, really, mate, might do you some good!” He laughed as he saw Angel frown at him. “C’mon you know you do.” Angel didn’t say a word and started to walk again. “Wait!” Spike cried like a big kid, “No way, it’s out!” He dragged Angel into the electronic boutique and squealed like a teen-aged boy over a box. Angel looked at him with utter contempt.

“We are here for clothes!” Angel said. “What are you, ten?”

“Half Life 2 is the most cipacipated game to come out this year. I didn’t have enough juice in the crypt, but I was going to nick it when it came out, just the same, and sneak into Harris’ house when he wasn’t home so I could play it.” Angel rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Hey, it wasn’t like he was using his Play Station 2. I think you’ll like it. Killing without the old soul coming out and messing with your mind, the power.” He laughed.

“I don’t have anything to play that in.”

Spike winked at Angel and went up to the sales clerk and 30 minutes later they left the store with all the attachments, joysticks, and games that one could get for a Play Station. Spike was excited about his new possessions.

“Okay, you got your toy, now can we get what we came here for?”

“’K’ let’s see, you want me to dress proper.” Spike stopped in front of a small boutique and smiled. The mannequin wore a perfect pair of pants, soft, black velvet suede pants, a purple silk shirt, but manly, with a black jersey tank top. Perfect, Spike thought to himself. He turned to Angel. “I like this store.” he said with a playful smirk. He couldn’t remember the last time that he had this much fun, not even in Sunnydale. He chuckled and walked in the store, Angel followed. A sales clerk, a rather effeminate one came running up to Spike.

“My, my, what… How can I help you?” The man looked over him several times. Spike laughed and then to cause Angel indigestion he winked at Angel. The man almost fell over himself. “Come in, what can I get for you…” he looked at Angel. “…and your partner.”

Spike laughed. “I want the suit in the window.”

“Lovely choice.” The man looked over him. “I have one over here.” He went over to a rack and came up with the same outfit. Handing it over to Spike he ushered him over to the dressing area.

Angel moved to the sales clerk and smiled at him. The poor man became nervous and fidgeted as Angel watched him move around the shop. Angel stood back. A grin came to his face. A few seconds later the clerk had a couple of pants and an assortment of shirts and hurried back to the changing room.

“Here try these on,” the clerk said as he handed them to Spike. Suddenly the man became nervous as he looked at the mirror. “You don’t have a reflection.”

“Well, no one is perfect.” Spike grinned. The man backed out of the dressing area. Spike was a little impatient and decided that he would take all the clothes; he didn’t need to try them on. He heard it then, a whimper. He moved with vampire speed to the storefront. Angel was about to bite the clerk. It took a second but Spike pulled the clerk away from Angel’s grip. The poor man was only nicked.

Angel growled at Spike, and then suddenly fainted. Spike turned to the clerk and spoke softly. “We’ll take all the clothes.” Spike reached into his back pocket and handed the man his American Express Card and turned to Angel. Angel began to stir, his eyes fluttered. Spike understood all too well about black outs and the not knowing where you would wake up. The pain oowinowing you did something.

“Spike! What happened?” he asked.

“You were going to have a little snack.” Spike looked over to the clerk who was busy trying to ring the rather large sale.

“I don’t remember.” Angel said very confused.

“It’s alright, peaches, I don’t think the man will say a word.” Spike watched the man come back to them with a couple of bags full of clothes. He handed Spike the card and the receipt to sign. He looked at the amount chuckled and signed away.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

From: Buffy@cow2.uk Sent: October 16, 2003 @7:06am
To: Spike@cow2.uk
Subject: Should I come?

I am going to come. I know that you may not want me, but tough. I have to come. If Angel is getting worse, I want to be there for him.

Spike this isn’t fair. I can’t sit around and wait. I was never one to wait.

I am calling you tomorrow if you like it or not. I want to hear your voice, and talk to you.

Buffy

From: Spike@cow2.uk Sent: October 15, 2003 @10:36pm
To: Buffy@cow2.uk
RE: Subject: Should I come?

No! you can’t come not right now, love. I can’t explain why just now. Just trust me.

We will talk on the phone tomorrow.

Your humble servant
Spike

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Spike closed the laptop, put it on the coffee table and sat back on the sofa.

“Got a fancy toy?” Angel asked as he sat down in the chair across from Spike.

“Yeah, Willow sent it to me so I could keep in touch.” Spike rubbed his eye.

“Oh.” Angel bit his lower lip.

“So you going to tell me what happened tonight?”

“I don’t particularly want to.”

“Why?”

“Who were you writing to just now?” Angel asked, avoiding the subject.

“Buffy.” Spike didn’t see the point of lying.

“So, what are you forming a Let’s Save Angel Club.”

“No, it’s not that.”

“She called and left a message.”

“Did she?” Spike said trying to act surprised.

“The other day, I think.”

“Angel, you’re …”

“I’m not avoiding you, just not answering your question.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not.”

Angel picked up the TV remote control turned it on and flipped through the channels.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Angel awoke to whispers. It was early morning; Spike should have been in bed. Slowly he shook himself awake. His vampire hearing was tuned in to Spike’s bedroom. He heard laughing and giggling. Another voice, a familiar voice, a female voice came from his room too. Angel growled as he moved to Spike’s bedroom door. It was ajar. He looked in to find Spike spread out on his bed wearing the leather pants that he bought the night before.

But, no Buffy. He leaned in a little more and noticed that Spike had the speakerphone on the night stand.

“I miss you!”

“I know, pet. Couldn’t bring myself to call you. Figure you would have…”

“Have what, Spike?

“Have a new bloke sharing your bed.”

Both laughed awkwardly. Angel felt like a Peeping Tom and was going to head back to his room. A small unheard growl, a pang of jealousy ran through him. Of who…

“Spike?”

“Yes, pet.”

Angel could feel Spike’s arousal.

“What are you wearing?”

“Humm, Slayer, why do you want to know?” he asked playfully. Angel leaned back into the wall. He felt the pull, the yearning.

“Mmm, ahhhh, mmm. Just, mmm, has been a long time.” Buffy responded with longing in her voice. “Spike, too long, it’s been too long, S-p-i-k-e.”

“Are you getting off on this?” he asked naughtily.

“Spike, you’re a pig, no---I w-a-s-n-o-t.”

Angel could hear Buffy’s breathing, long even breaths.

“I’m wearing leather pants,” Spike teased.

“What else?”

“Nothing, I was trying them on when you called.”

“Nothing, as in no underwear?” Buffy asked almost begging.

“Mmm, no. As in nothing.”

Angel moved closer to the door, looking inside. Spike moved as he rested his head on his hand.

“Oh, are they tight?”

“Little bit. Getting tighter, pet. What are you...”

“Spike!” She said in a half panting voice. Angel knew that sound, she sounded like that for him once upon a time ago. “Un-button you pants.” Angel could see Spike’s grin from the door as he moved his hand down his torso slowly, obeying Buffy’s command.

“Aren’t you the saucy one this morn?”

“I am not, just worried about…”

“Just worried are you, for my health?” Then he let out a little growl. Angel could see the snap of the button.

“Don’t move your hand down yet!” Buffy commanded.

“Humm, Buffy, you haven’t answered my question.”

“You don’t need to know at this minute.”

“Alright, luv, we’ll play your game.”

“Spike,” She moaned . Angel could sense that Spike was almost ready to come.

“Buffy.”

“Spike, move han hand, tell me how you feel.”

“The leather feels right soft under my hand, pet. I am undoing my pants now. The skins soft to the touch, but I’m hard.” He moaned

“Hard?”

Angel could hear little ragged breaths coming from the phone. His own body was reacting to the sound. He moved his hand down his body.

“Hard, bloody hell, Buffy, I am going to...”

“No, not yet!” she commanded.

“Bitch!” he ed. ed. Angel could hear the urgency in his voice. He knew that Spike was at the edge.

“Spike. Take the pants off,” she ordered. He moved quickly, vampire speed quick. Angel watched, in awe of the tight muscled body. “Run your hand over your thighs,” she paused, “don’t touch yourself.” He could hear Spike’s growl and almost mirrored it. “Spike, god, Spike I need you,” she moaned. Angel almost lost it. He waned to bust in, take Spike and show him his real master. He was hard, so hard.

He could hear Angelus in the back of his mind. Our boy and girl have been bad.

“Come for me,” Buffy’s voice urged.

He could see the quick motions of Spike’s hand going up and down, and could hear the pulling and slapping of the cock as his hand stroked. Angel moaned almost too loud. Angelus cried out in his mind. Fuck’em Angel, go and teach the boy who is master is.

“Bloody hell, Slayer, it’s so hard,” Spike moaned. “Mmmm, so hard. Buffy, fuck, shit, ohhhhhhhh, yes.” Spike came. They both panted for sometime not saying a word. Angel moved his hand quicker over himself, but controlled his own yearnings. Not long now.

“Spike, you okay?”

“Yea, just Buffy what did…”

“Spike, I need you.”

“I know.”

Angel opened the door. Spike looked up from the bed and sighed. Angel could see the look of unexpectedness on his face.

“Slayer, can I call you later?”

“I should go too. I’ll be home in the afternoon.”

“Okay, pet. Talk to you soon.” Angel heard the click of the phone as Buffy hung up.

Spike saw him standing against the doorjamb looking surprised, hurt, and confused. His arms crossed his chest as his left leg held himself up. Spike suspected that Angel heard his little conversation with Buffy. How much, was the question.

He reached over and he took a discarded t-shirt and wiped himself off, slowly relishing the memory of Buffy’s voice. A smile came to his lips.

“What are you doing here, peaches? Got your eyes filled?” He threw the shirt away from him.

“Right! Like I care!” Angel’s eyes traveled roamed Spike’s body. “She calls long distance to…”

“Just got a little out of hand, is all.”

“I see.” Angel moved closer to the bed then sat down on the edge. Spike didn’t cover himself. His erection started to grow again. It twitched. “She didn’t satisfy you, blondie?” Angel smirked. “I could picture her on her bed laying naked, as…”

“Stop it!”

“Stop what?” his face lit up as he moved closer to Spike. “You don’t want me to talk about her quim, soft and fuckable hole. There were nights I longed for those sounds she just made for you.” Spike moved back a bit; he really didn’t know who was on his bed, Angel or Angelus, but did it matter? Angel had desire on his face, a longing that he felt tugging at his balls. He ached for a good fuck. “How I imagined my tongue buried deep in her, as I fucked my hand hard.” Frustration wrapped Angel’s face. “You forgot Spike,” he declared.

“What did I forget?”

“You’re mine.” Angel said as he came with in kissing distance of Spike. Angel ran a hand down Spike’s taunt torso, to just above his readied cock. “Tell me, Spike, what’s it like to be in her?” Angel began stroking, small strokes.

“You know what it’s like,” Spike said, not really wanting to play games.

“How could you go to her, William? She is mine, just like you are.” Angel kissed down Spike’s body, taking his time. There is no use fighting it, Spike thought. He wasn’t sure who was talking Angel or Angelus. It really didn’t matter did it? He was there to get a job done. “Did she moan your name as she used her own body?” Angel’s hands felt good around his cock. Spike didn’t respond; he was afraid to. Nails dug into the skin of his thighs, searing pain, but he was aroused by it. Angel bit the top of Spike’s cock then kissed it, little kisses.

“Did you tell her our secrets, boy?” Angel’s voice was sharp as he moved up Spike’s body. Angel roughly kissed Spike, pulled away and then started to kiss his ear. He talked low. “Fuck me, Spike, like you would her. Call her name when you enter me.” Angel licked Spike’s neck, then started to bite. Spike began to push him away.

“Angel, no!” Spike said, not wanting this. Not wanting Angel so conflicted. “What do you want?”

“You know what I want, Spike, give it to me.”

“This is not good.”

Angel pulled back and changed in to his vampire face, then sunk into Spike’s neck, drinking deeply. Spike went with the flow and allowed Angel to drink from him. Slowly Angel pulled away from the wound and spoke. “Who is there for me, William? Who will love me? Who can I love without losing my soul totally?” He pressed his body into Spike. Spike knew the hunger, desire, fear, longing, and hurt. His body trembled as Angel kissed his neck tenderly. Angel whispered again. “I hate you. You make me sick.”

“Feeling is mutual, mate.” Spike said as he moved his hand down the older vampire’s body. Spike didn’t really think this was a good idea, but he wanted more, needed more. Angel needed him. Who was Angel going to go too? What would happen if he weren’t here? Would Angel go and find a victim? Better him, he could handle it, or could he? He really didn’t have anytime for himself.

Angel growled as he began to nibble Spike’s neck. Spike, against his better judgment, began to remove Angel’s pajama top. Slowly he ran his hand over the cool skin of the older vampire. He wrapped his arms around the other vampire’s waist and pulled him close, as he moved his hands down the back of the loose bottoms, gripping with both hands, the taunt cheeks.

“You want this?” Spike questioned.

“Yes.”

Spike flipped Angel over, lying on top. His fingers slowly traced his neck. He thought of Buffy’s tender neck, wanting to feel her skin, needing her. Being with Angel felt right, bloody hell, not not a…he scolded himself. But he didn’t feel complete, not in the least. He really didn’t want to be tender with Angel, he wanted to be rough and violent, but was that right?

“Angel,” he whispered. His lips drifted down his grand-sires back, stopping at his tattoo. Spike felt his own cock twitch and ache. He wanted to do what was right, but how? He let himself be captured by the moment. The blonde’s hand moved down lower, gently tracing the outline Angel’s back. A moan escaped the older vampire’s mouth.

Hips moved upwards, as Spike caressed the ample butt cheeks. Teasingly he began to run one finger down the crack. Another moan escaped Angel’s mouth.

“Do you still want this?” Spike asked softly. No answer was given but Angel moved on his knees. Spike mirrored his body. The blonde vampire moved his hand around to the thick, waiting cock and began to stoke it gently at first. Pre-cum started to drip from the head. Slowly, Spike moved his cock to his tight entrance. Then, frustrated and aggravated, he knew he had to do the right thing, and pushed away from Angel.

The older vampire turned and faced him. Spike tenderly placed a hand on the side of his face and kissed him.

“I can’t do this Angel. I can’t.”

“Because of her?”

“Because of you.”

“You want this? You are ready for me.”

“Yea, Angel, I want to shag you until you scream out my name but it’s not good. You want me because you won’t lose your precious soul with me. It’s a plus that I just wanked myself off while I was on the phone with your ex.” Spike got up and went to the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


Angel lay in Spike’s bed confused. Angelus was slowly taking control over him. He knew it. He was no fool, but what had just happened? He was angry that Buffy and Spike were having phone sex. But who was angry at, who was he jealous of? Angelus was laughing at him deep down inside. If the truth was known he hated Spike because he brought the monster and the man together.

A laugh raked through his body. It reminded him of the internal battle he was fighting. Could he tame the beast within like Spike had? NEVER, echoed in his mind.

What did he want with Spike? Why was Spike here? Why now? His throbbing erection told him what he wanted at the present but it didn’t tell him what he really needed.

It was the curse of course, that horrible little curse. If it wasn’t for it he could have Buffy, could have a life. Why should Spike be the one that can make love and have a life without responsibilities? Why does he get to plunge himself deep into his life?

The Powers That Be is the reason, the meddlesome supernatural powers that he encountered from time to time again. They stripped him of his champion status. What was he going to do? Let his son die? Let him go out of this world without being loved or love?

It was a matter time, before his soul would be gone, and he knew it. He was fighting to hang in and keep it. He was desperate for help, even Spike’s.

What have I done wrong Angelus? Tell me, I will correct it. You can’t just leave me. You can’t leave Dru, or Darla, we are a family! William’s voice was concerned.

I told you to leave me. Go back to the woman.

Angel put his pajama bottoms back on. He needed to go for a walk to clear his mind-- to get away from the temptation that was now in the bathroom.

He was afraid that he would lose it and hurt Spike.

I don’t understand why you have to leave us, William said as Angel turned around gripping in fear that Dru and William would find out what he’d become. You didn’t leave when I decided to go through London with vengeance. Why now?

Daddy, you mustn’t leave. Dru chimed in.

Come children, he is not one of us anymore, Darla said as she closed the door on Angel.

The Artistry of the Kill, William is all that matters. Angelus’ voice rang in his head as he walked the streets alone. He pushed his hands into his pockets as he looked downward.

Savor the Kill, William, fear is good. Angel hurried along. He could hear a heartbeat nearing him. It was covered in fear. He desired it, needed the taste of the kill. Footsteps came closer to him. The heartbeat was near. He quickened his step to mirror it. He wanted it, like he wanted that store clerk. The heart beat faster, fear wrapped around it, panic rose in his prey’s voice. The woman cried for help.

The taste of fear is the elixir of life. Learn it, embrace it. He reached the woman. Angelus trapped inside cheered on. Do it now, do it Angel, taste the fear and the blood. His body tingled with joy as he grabbed her and pulled her near. He could feel the racing of his victim’s heartbeat and could hear her sobs of fear. Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, the voice chanted in delight as he sunk his fangs into the woman’s neck.

The blood tasted good. He needed this, he wanted this. He was a vampire. He could feel the woman’s life drain from her and he panicked and looked down at her. He reached into her pocket book, took out a cell phone and made a 911 call. He kneeled down at her side. She was awake and looked at him frightened at his face. He spoke softly.

“You remember nothing, I rescued you,” he said as he heard the hurried sirens. Angel didn’t like to use the thrall, but there were always exceptions to the rule. He didn’t need to bring Wolfram & Heart into this because there would be questions, questions he didn’t want answers for.

He looked down at his own blood-stained hands. The police came and he drifted off.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


“I don’t know where he went,” Spike said calmly over the phone to Wesley. “He left sometime yesterday morning and he hasn’t been back.” Spike was concerned but he didn’t want to let Wesley know how concerned he was.

“And you are just telling me now?”

Spike had hoped that he could stay calm despite knowing that he was spooked by the thought of Angel/Angelus being set loose.

“Bloody hell, Wes, I’m not his bleeding watcher,” Spike said as he walked around the apartment.

“I guess you’re right. You called for what?”

“Right, I called you. I need a favor,” he asked calmly.

“Buffy is on her way from London. Her flight comes in tomorrow morning, I was hoping…”

“You need me to pick her up.”

“You know, the allergic reaction to the sun.”

“Right, no, is she coming alone?”

“I think she is. That’s what she told me just now. Insisted on coming. Wouldn’t take no for an answer,” Spike said as he tried to look for the e-mail Buffy sent him.

“Good, you can send me the details then, you have my e-mail?”

“Just sent it to you, just now. There is one more thing, Wes.”

“What’s that?”

“I’d like to come by later on and check out the library. There are some texts I need to look into.” Spike was apprehensive to ask and wondered if that was a breach of his promise to Angel.

“Maybe I can help you?” Wesley asked with a curious tone.

“No, I just need access to the books, that’s all. Need to suss it out on my own.”

“Right, well I will leave word then.”

The phone call ended. Spike went to the window and looked out into the bright daylight. He sighed, knowing that Angel or Angelus is out there, but not knowing where.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Angel walked back and forth in the tunnels under the apartment building. He was going to go home, but Spike would be there. Spike would know what happened he could smell it on Angel. He couldn’t face him. How could he? Hell, Spike might even know alread
H
His memories haunted him. Griped him more than anything else. It was worse in some ways than when he was on the streets in New York living on rats. At least he knew he had a soul and could separate Angel from Angelus. But, Angelus was talking to him, showing him how to be a killer, with a soul. How could he drink from that woman then make her forget?

A vampire never feels guilt; it’s the law of nature. It’s to kill or be killed, no in between, boy. Are you listening to me? Angelus tried to instill some lessons to William the bloody, and he didn’t receive that nickname because he wrote bad poetry. William the Bloody tortured the partygoers with railroad spikes while Angelus, Dru, and Darla watched, dancing in the blood. A vampire is above human law, we come and go as we please and take what we want.

He was in pain, tremendous pain. William my boy, I will make you into a fine vampire, he said with a wicked smile when he found out that the younger vampire killed his mother.

Angel needed blood and he needed it badly. Not pig's blood or Spike’s blood, he needed fresh, warm blood, laced with fear. Soon, my boy, soon, the inner voice told him.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Spike pulled a book out of the bottom of the pile of books on the table. He was at it for eight hours straight. His eyes were tired and he had a craving for beer and cigarettes, not in that order. Wes had confiscated his cigarettes anvorivorite Zippo lighter because he didn’t want Spike smoking in the library.

Wes came into the room. He stopped at the other side of the table that he was working at and picked up books.

“Vampire codex, Toten Grimoire, Dark Lore, Crane’s Deathwatch, Vampire myth and legend, Dracula Files, Vampyre, Death and Resurrection of Mystical Beings, Chicken Soup for the Soul?” Wes raised an eyebrow on the last one.

“It’s for light reading.” Spike said defensively.

“Vampire chronicles, the Dark Arts, Raising the Dead in three easy steps, the Meaning of the Soul, Shanshu prophecy, Deal with the Devil, Soul Sucking in 10 minutes, Lost Souls, Mystical Energy: Restoring Souls, the Soul: What is it?, The Devil, the Soul and You, and last but not least Shape’s Guide on having a Soul. Impressive, I dare say, light reading. Spike is there anything that I can help you with?” Wes asked with a concerned look on his face.

“No, no, I just want to make sure my soul is permanent,” he lied.

“I see. I have done extensive research on the particular curse that Angel has, are you interested in that?” Wesley offered.

Both men looked at each other silently. Spike was not sure what he could ask for and what he couldn’t. After a moment he closed the book and threw it aside.

“Red’s got that covered; the bird might have done a tad bit more research on the subject. But what I would like to know… is what in bloody hell did you think to gain by accepting such an offer?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you really think that it would make a difference, working here?”

“Spike, we all had our reasons, independent of Angel’s. We are all in for a reason. I do believe we can do some good being in the den of thieves. We have all seen evil and know what it is,” he said with a degree of certainty.

“Of course you have. This is a business right?” Spike raised his scared eyebrow.

“What are you getting at?”

“Suppose to make money. The clients of this fine establishment are… evil… and expect that you would cater to them. When you don’t… What happens then, mate?” Spike tilted his head.

“They gave us the facilities to do as we please,” Wesley spoke softly.

“Right and demon’s play kitten poker to release them. There is always a payment, a balance, Wes. Wolfram & Hart gave you these facilities for their own reasons. If you think otherwise you’re a bloody fool.”

The two men were quiet for a long time. Wesley brought over a chair and sat down next to Spike. Wesley took his glasses off and started to clean them which made Spike laugh.

‘What?”

“’s nothing.”

“You’re having sport with me.”

“Just wondering if they showed you how to do that in watcher school?”

“Don’t know what you mean.”

“The bloody glasses cleaning before you have something serious to say. Giles use to do that quite a bit,” Spike snickered.

“Umm…,” Wesley started to speak. “I know, this might be a problem for you, but have you considered going to Giles…”

Spike slammed his fist into the table and got up. “Bugger, Rupert Giles… that man, has…” Spike started to say.

“Been a father to Buffy and he loves her. Weather you want to think about it or not he will be a part of your life if Buffy is. Regardless of your feeling for him, he is a better researcher on ancipropprophecies and demonology than anyone that I know.” Wesley spoke softly. Spike didn’t like it but he heard him out. The truth was that Spike always liked Giles and looked up to him, but the betrayal of trust was unforgivable.

Wesley pulled the laptop to him and looked at the word document. He studied it for a moment and looked up at Spike. “Yes, I dare say that he might be a better help than I. Your thesis is sound, but you’ve some flaws.”

Spike snatched up the laptop, saved thcumecument, and then closed it.

“Well, it’s not complete yet. Just a bit of rambling,” he said as he studied the ex-watcher “You got the information that I sent you on Buffy, right?”

“Yeah, tomorrow morning, no make that in 8 hours.”

“One more thing, cigarettes and lighter.”

Wes threw them at Spike and he walked out.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Angel was in his bed when Spike got home. He was in a fetal position, wearing the same clothes that he’d left with. Spike could smell it; it was faint, very faint but that smell was so…sweet to a vampire’s senses that he couldn’t ignore it. Spike shook his head as he went to Angel’s side. Warm, brown, begging eyes looked up at him, his heart sunk. He knew the look of despair. Slowly Angel’s bloody hands came into view.

“You need to lock me up.”

“We need to get you cleaned up first and then we have to talk.”

“No, don’t you understand. Damn it, William, just do what you are told,” Angel yelled.

“Angel, you have to tell me what is going on.”

“Fuck you.”

“You’re a git, a bleeding, stupid moron. You can’t just lie down and take what’s coming. Let’s fight what ever comes together, with a bit of fist and fangs, mate,” Spike said as he moved closer to Angel.

“I don’t want your help. I rather get help from Fyarl demon than you,” he said violently.

“Bugger this, Angel. It didn’t matter if either one of us wants this or not. Do you think I want to be here? I don’t, my first choiculd uld never be you. But you are hurting and well, you are my blood, family and I feel that, called back from happiness to…”

“Then get out, I didn’t ask you here.”

“No, no, you didn’t, but Darla did, I suppose that means something. Her being your sire and all. She felt your pain,” Spike said softly.

“Don’t bring her into this!” Angel yelled.

“Why not? She is part of it. Just like we can’t separate our connection from one another.”

“Spike,” Angel spoke softly turning on his back. “How did you get your soul? Buffy said that you had one but didn’t tell me the details.” Angel looked up intently on the ceiling.

Spike blinked and took a swallow, then took an un-needed breath. He shook his head and then chuckled nervously. For a couple of moments he didn’t really know how to respond to Angel’s question. He had thought that Buffy ran her yap off to Angel, thus all the new animosity towards each other.

“Umm, haven’t really told anyone, not even Buffy,” Spike’s mind was flooded with memories of the how, what, when and why. It really was all about Buffy no matter what spin he put on it. “Don’t suppose that she told you anything.”

“No just that you have a soul.”

“Right, maybe we should put you in chains?” He chuckled nervously. “You’re not going to like this little diddy. You think you got the bloody corner on brood.” Spike reached into his pocket and took out his cigarettes. Taking one out, he lit it slowly while trying to think of what to tell Angel and what not to.

“You see there was a girl. Innit always, about a girl? This girl had a nasty little secret, that would be me. The bint played me well. The bint is Buffy, if you haven’t already sussed it out. She used me knowing that I was in love with her. I didn’t mind.” Spike watched Angel’s face tense up at the mention of Buffy’s name. “I tried to tame myself for her and her lot. Wasn’t easy. Felt like I was getting ripped up inside. Did what she expected, killed demons, fought at her side, was there when she wanted and even when I wasn’t wanted, caused her some pain and heartache with her solider boy, and somehow changed. The change happened so slowly that I didn’t know it was happening. Instead of sipping off of near-dead victims of demons, I would be helping.” Spike shook his head, got up from the bed and went into the bathroom flicked his cigarette into the toilet. He came out, took off his coat, and got comfortable on the bed.

“I am not going to like this,” Angel said uneasily.

“No, her her did I, mate, so don’t fret about it.” He put his hands behind his head and looked away from Angel. “Right, where was I now? The girl used me. I knew it was wrong, but I wanted more. If I could just...,” he remembered the night at the Bronze when they had semi-public sex, trying to get her to decide to live in the dark or the light. Angel didn’t need to know everything. “We did some things…,” he stopped again. “Our, what ever we had wasn’t healthy,” he said in a whisper.

“You didn’t hurt her?” Angel asked in a protective tone.

“Yes, I did, and she hurt me.”

Both vampires became quiet. Spike was lost in his own inner reflections of his time with Buffy. He could feel Angel restlessness, but it was his story. Angel got off the bed and went to a bag on the chair next to the bed and brought chains out.

“Put them on me,” he commanded as he threw the chains on the bed. “There is a loop on the wall.” Spike wasn’t happy at all about this. In a quick few moments Angel was chained to the bed. “Go on with your story,” he said.

“I thought that if I could get her to tell her friends that she would be safe. Didn’t rightly know what I would do if the bleeding Scoobies wouldn’t help. I still struggled with it, had no one to go to. But that wasn’t very important.” Spike shook his head. “I was ripped in two, couldn’t be a man and trying like bloody hell not to be the monster I was,” Spike thought of the days where all he did was drink to help with the pain, how he was isolated. He did some damage, sleeping with Anya, and trying to get Buffy to admit to their relationship, but mostly to himself.

“Spike you still are a monster,” Angel reminded him.

“Monster is under control. Never wanted to be bleeding sickly happily ever after. I wanted Buffy to love me as much as I loved her. Couldn’t do it without a soul, she told me so many bloody times, had it memorized. I had to make her see.” Tears started to flow, but he wiped them away. “Dawn came to me, told me things I didn’t want to hear,” he spoke in a low voice. “I went to her that night wanting to make it right, to make her see. Bloody hell, I bollocksed it up, right good. I never… want to,” he stopped and ran his hand through his hair. Spike couldn’t look at Angel.

“I was drunk, I never would have, never wanted, bloody hell, I never wanted to hurt her,” he said, still unable to look at Angel.

“What did you do, Spike?”

Spike got up, raged around the room, went to the wall and hit it hard with a fist. Then slammed the other fist into the wall.

“Maybe we should get you chains too,” Angel said sarcastically.

Spike turned and walked over to the edge of the bed and sat down. He calmed down enough to regain control over his vocal cords.

“Those chains tight, mate? Maybe you don’t want to hear.”

“What did you do?”

“I tried to…Bugger… I… Bloody… I went to help her; I wanted her to be whole again. I wanted to love her, to show…” He began to rub his hands hard. Tears started running down his face. Spike couldn’t look at Angel. “She said the only time she could feel was when I was inside. I wanted to make her feel. After, I wanted to be dead, I wanted…” Spike looked over at Angel. The man couldn’t look at Spike. He was quiet and understood what Spike did. Spike could see strain. Angel’s hands were gripping the chains tightly. His lip was between his teeth.

“I had to change, needed to change. I didn’t want to hurt her anymore. Did my reading, bloody well. Buffy needed a man who couldn’t do the things I did. The soul, made the difference for you.” Spike didn’t look at Angel.

“Spike, what did you do?”

“I went to die or change. I hurt her and couldn’t live with myself. I was an evil, soulless thing and no matter what, I would always be that to her. I made a deal with a demon to get me to Africa and back. I went to the caves and fought for my soul.”

For a long time neither men talked. Spike let his hands bleed, wng tng to feel the pain. How could she love him after hat he did, how could he let her love him. His tears kept his pain properly in place. He slowly looked up at Angel or was it?

“Get me out of these!” his voice commanded.

“Not on a bet.”

Spike got up and placed the key on the dresser that was across the room. Slowly he went back to the bed looking down.

It didn’t matter who was looking out behind those sad, brown eyes; he wanted to forget.

“Make me forget, Angel,” he ordered as he touched his grand-sires face. Hungrily, he reached down and kissed Angel’s lips. His tongue slipped in the cool, welcoming mouth.

“Get these off me.” Angel again rattled the chains.

“No,” he said defiantly. He kissed Angel again, this time slowly and tenderly, taking his time. His hands roadowndown the older vampire’s body, carefully touching every part of his white skin. Nothing was as it seemed. Spike didn’t care, not really, he wanted the pain to go away. He felt unworthy to be back after what he did. Now, she was coming to be with him. He didn’t want to tell Angel just yet. He wanted this moment.

Spike’s hand ran down the older vampire’s stomach. How could he be with Angel and then go to Buffy tomorrow? Would he be able to touch her like he is touching Angel? His hand moved over Angel’s growing problem.

Angel growled loudly and caught Spike’s hands with his and pulled him close to him. In a loud growling voice, he said, “Don’t play with fire, Spike. I can’t control myself.”

“Didn’t ask you to, now did I, mate?” Spike vamped out and sunk his teach into Angel’s neck, drinking deep as he moved his hand to Angel’s bulge. Quickly, Spike unzipped the pants and freed the straining member from its constraint.

Still vamped out, with blood running down his chin, he kissed Angel deeply and violently. Angel struggled with Spike’s shirt and pants. Both men had an urgent need.

Spike moaned, lost in the moment as though nothing else mattered.