Know Who I Am

I’ve been waiting all fricking day for school to end. It seems like when you really want it to end the minutes drag on forever. It’s going to be over soon. Just one more class to go then I’m going straight to the library. Faith might be a little late but it won’t irritate me anymore. I don’t think I’m going to look at anything she does the same as I would’ve before last night.

Like before last night I thought her lateness was annoying. I thought the way she joked around with Xander like a little kid was immature but I get it now. She doesn’t get to be a kid anymore. She stopped being one when she had Sam. Her childhood, and days of being a careless teenager are long gone. So she goofs around when she can because she doesn’t get to do that a lot.

As soon as the bell rings I’m out of my seat and packing up my stuff. The teacher is telling us what we need to do for homework tonight but I’m not paying attention. It doesn’t matter. I can always call Amy tonight and ask her what we’re supposed to do. My last class was changed for whatever reason, so I don’t have it with Willow anymore.

I rush towards the library at a fast jog and the people who don’t get out of my way fast enough get knocked the ground. It’s not my fault they’re slow and I’m stronger than them. I speed up a little bit when I see the door. Maybe Faith will already be there to make sure I didn’t say anything to Giles. I hate the thought of her not trusting me but I was pushing the issue pretty hard last night.

“Buffy, where’s the fire?” I hear Willow call out. I look over and see her, Xander, and Faith walking towards me. Why is Faith hanging out with them? I mean, I don’t care that she’s with them, but they came from class. Is Faith a student now or something? That would be a little…distracting. And not just for me.

“There’s no fire, Will. I just have some energy to burn and I really need to spar.” I look over at Faith and she has a very suggestive smile on her face. It’s almost like she’s saying ‘oh I know what you really need: you, me and a queen size bed’. I wonder if faith has some type of psychic powers or something. That would be creepy.

“Then I guess we better have at it,” Faith says with a smirk on her face and mischief in her voice. “Wouldn’t want you to spontaneously combust because you haven’t sparred in a while.” She put some extra emphasis on the word sparred, and I know she means ‘had sex’. Even Willow picked up on that and she looks very uncomfortable right now. Poor Xander has no idea what’s going on.

“What are you talking about? You guys sparred on Tuesday. I remember because when Faith ducked down to dodge a kick to the head her shorts rode up and she wasn’t wearing any underwear.” He has this far away look in his eyes, and a goofy, pervy smile on his face. Then he realizes what he said and who he said it to and now he looks a little panicked. “I’m going to stop talking.” I force back my smile and give him a pat on the shoulder.

“I think that would be for the best.” Although I have to admit seeing a lot of Faith’s ass that day was a definite perk. It was also a bad thing because I got really turned on and I couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the match. Faith won, but that’s ok. The last move before we decided to stop had her straddling me, and pinning my shoulders to the ground. I wouldn’t trade the sight of her on top of me for anything.

Anyway, we go into the library and see Giles sitting at the table, and some other guy is there. He’s in a tweet suit, has dorky glasses, and a British accent. His whole presence reeks ‘watcher’. I glance over at Faith and she catches my eyes before she rolls hers very dramatically. Like she’s saying ‘oh my fucking God! Could he be a bigger dork?’ And I have to say I do agree.

“Hey Giles,” I say and we start walking closer to him. He looks at me with this look on his face like ‘someone kill me’. The new guy looks at us with a dorky smile. That is until he sees Willow and Xander. Now he looks a little irritated. “New watcher?” Giles nods his head but doesn’t say anything.

“Wesley Wyndam-Pryce,” he says and holds out his hand for me to shake. I look him in the eye with a hard stare and don’t shake his hand. He pulls it back slowly and starts talking again. Maybe if I shook his hand he would’ve stayed quiet. “You must be Buffy Summers, and Faith Lehane.” Faith’s last name is Lehane? And here I thought she only had one name like Cher, or God.

“Yeah I am, and she is. That’s Willow and Xander. They help with the research,” I say in a no nonsense tone. The fact that they help is not up for debate, but I know he’s going fight me on it sooner or later. Let’s hope for later. “Have you found anything else out on those Nazi vamps?” That’s directed at Giles of course. Wesley doesn’t seem to understand that though.

“Nazi vamps?” He sounds so confused. I almost feel sorry for him. Almost being the key term. “Oh, you mean the vampires that are building an army?” I nod my head and lean against the table. The others sit down at different places around the room. Faith sits on the counter far away from us. I can’t just feel that she wants to run.

“No, we’ve no news on them except they are in Sunnydale. We’re sure of it. Did you two run into any vampires on your patrol last night?” He sounds so hopeful. Did the Council have to send us one that’s so young and enthused? Because this is going to get irritating very fast. Anyway, that is a hard question to answer. I have to lie, obviously. I can’t tell him what we really did.

“Yeah,” Faith says and hops down from the counter. “At Restfield we bumped into a newbie. Only took you, what, three hits before you staked him?” She stands next to me and is right in my personal space. I guess I’m going along with this lie then. It’s better then what I was going to say.

“It was a pretty slow night. I was kind of hoping to get in some extra training.” Giles gives me this look like I’ve grown a second head or something. “What? Those vampires already killed one slayer. We need to be on the top of our game.” Now he looks like he understands. Dorkus over there looks happy that I want to train, and Faith is giving me this little smirk.

“Ok,” the dork says and rubs his hands together. “Why don’t you and Faith go change and we’ll begin.” He gives both of us a big smile and then walks off. Faith nudges my shoulder and I look over at her. She has the same smirk on her face. I ignore her as we walk towards Giles’ office to change.

“‘Oh Wesley’,” Faith says low but in a higher pitched tone. “‘Please let me wear nothing but skimpy shorts, and a tight top and get all sweaty for you. Please oh please Wesley, take me now’.” She laughs at her own jokes and I have to bite back a smile. What can I say? She’s funny. Don’t tell her I said that. “Please tell me you’re not wet for that ass.” No, I’m wet for you.

“No, Faith, I don’t like Wesley. I already think he’s annoying.” She clothes the door and I walk over to the filing cabinet. The very bottom drawer has our workout clothes in it. I don’t want things to get weird between us but I need to ask this. My curiosity won’t leave me alone. “I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, but did you talk to your boyfriend about what you want to do?”

“Yeah,” she says and tenses up a little bit. I look over at her and she looks nervous. Oh God. They’re going to leave aren’t they? I don’t want her to go! “He wants to meet your mom. He doesn’t want to mooch off your mom. If we’re going to live with you guys we’re going to pay rent and help pay the bills and shit.” I smile a little bit. My body wants the smile to be bigger but I’m forcing it to stay small.

“Ok,” I tell her and I try to keep the happiness out of my voice. I don’t want to freak her out. “Why don’t you guys come over for dinner tonight? Mom’s making pot roast and we always have a lot left over. I didn’t say anything to her like I promised, so she might be a little shocked, but once we explain what’s going on I know she’ll let you stay.” I watch her as she thinks about it but she shakes her head no.

“Tanner doesn’t get off work until eight-forty-five tonight.” She gets this look in her eyes almost like she knows what she’s going to say is a bad idea. “But I guess I can bring Sam over. Tanner’s day off is Saturday so if you guys aren’t busy we can eat over then.” I almost squeal with joy but I don’t. She would definitely think I’m a freak if I did that.

“Well I was going to the Bronze with Willow and Xander, but I’ll just tell them my mom grounded me because of the whole ditching school thing.” She looks like she’s going to protest so I jump in before she can. “Faith, please don’t. You want to keep Sam and Tanner a secret, and I get it. If I have to tell a few fibs to my friends to keep it a secret then I will. Now let’s get ready before someone comes looking at us.”

We’re quiet while we change. We have our backs turned but trust me the temptation to turn around and look is very high. What is it about Faith that is driving me so wild? I think it’s the way she treats me. Willow and Xander will give me their undivided attention if I ask for it, but Faith is different. So do I want her because I can’t have her? No I don’t think that’s it either.

I feel like she’s the only person in the world who will ever be able to fully understand me. The slayer part of me isn’t a job, and I can’t just stop being a slayer because I’m at home. And I can’t be nothing but the slayer. She’s the only person who gets that. I mean really gets it. She won’t just say that she gets it so I’ll stop complaining. She’ll actually understand what I mean.

“Ready to get this party started?” she asks in a very enthusiastic voice when we finish changing. My only answer is a little nod and playful smile. Hell yes I’m ready. I want to tell her that but I’m afraid if I open my mouth I’ll say something embarrassing like ‘take me now’. As much as I want Faith I really don’t think I’m ready to have her. It’s just too soon.

We walk out to the library and the tables have been pushed back so Faith and I have more room to spar. I’ve been waiting all to do this. Sparring with her is like…like foreplay. Of course I always have to finish up at home by myself, which sucks. But at least I have this. Hearing the little news she makes as we fight, and feeling her body against mine always gets me really hot. What I feel when I spar with Faith is twice what I ever felt with Angel.

I know that sounds really insensitive because of everything I went through with Angel, but not as much as I let myself believe. It was a forbidden love. A vampire and a vampire slayer definitely has forbidden written all over it. I have very mixed feelings regarding what we did. I regret it because afterwards he lost his soul and people I care about got hurt, and one was killed. But at the same time I don’t regret it because I loved him, and it was special.

“Ok Twinkie, let’s see what you got,” Faith says in the challenging voice as we step into the space were we’re going to spar. She has this fire in her eyes that I want so badly to touch. I want her to warp me up in that gaze and consume me. I don’t want Faith because it’s forbidden. I don’t want her because I can’t have her. I want Faith because all she has to do is look at me and I feel more alive than I have since I was called.