Later in the Ashes

Later in the Ashes (Chapter Five)


“Willow.”

“Angel? How did you know I was here?” She nearly stuttered as she spoke, uncomfortable talking to Angel with Spike in the room, particularly since Spike was now lying across her bed, clearly enjoying the prospect of listening in on the conversation.

“I had Cordelia call Giles. I was worried about you. You said you’d call and...”

For a moment, Willow forgot everything but Angel’s words. It was obvious he meant them. He really was worried. She wasn’t sure how to react to that. It wasn’t something she was used to, after all, since everyone usually assumed she was okay, figuring she could care for herself (or just not all that concerned about her, that small voice inside her said).

“I’m sorry. I just wasn’t able to call you. First I was over at Giles’s house and now...well...I’m not actually alone.”

“Who’s there?” Angel sounded a bit uneasy now.

Willow hesitated before replying, not sure how either her caller or the guest who seemed uninterested in leaving the room would react. “Spike.”

“Why is he there?” Angel sounded curious, but not as upset as Willow would have imagined. Now Willow was the one who was curious, but she didn’t ask any questions; she simply went on with answering the one posed by Angel.

“Giles and Olivia kind of need some alone time, especially since she sort of found out the hard way about demons and slayers and stuff, and Xander and Anya...umm...they have things they want to do that I don’t really want to think about, so...”

A sharp burst of laughter interrupted her. “I don’t want to think about Xander and his demon chit doing ‘things’ either.”

Willow turned and glared at Spike. “Do you mind? I’m talking on the phone.”

“I don’t mind a bit, pet. Keep right on talking.” He smirked at her in a way she was pretty sure would have made Buffy smack him. It certainly made Willow want to smack him for the second time that night. He seemed to have a knack for inspiring violence in people.

Angel, of course, overheard the exchange. “Tell Spike to remember that night in Vienna. He’ll know which one I mean.”

She did as she was told, knowing that she did not want to know what Angel meant, she just hoped the threat worked. “Angel says for you to remember that night in Vienna.”

It did work, although the expression on Spike’s face wasn’t fear, at least not like any expression of fear that Willow had ever seen. He looked...wistful, almost. Just what was it that had happened in Vienna?

“Yeah, well, I’ll leave you to chat with your sweetheart. I’ll be downstairs. You did say you have cable, right?” And with that, he was out the door, leaving Willow more at sea than ever. Now there were two enigmatic vampires in her life. She found them both unsettling.

“He’s gone,” Willow said.

“Are you okay?” So the subject was to be changed, and rather abruptly, too.

“Yeah, fine. By the time I got back, Buffy had already killed them.” Maybe she ought to explain who ‘they’ were. “The Gentlemen. Those were the demons. They took everyone’s voices so that they could steal human hearts without anyone screaming. Gruesome, huh?”

“I’m glad you weren’t there.”

For some reason, that got Willow’s back up. “You never know. I might have been a big help. Maybe Buffy would have killed them even faster if I’d been here.”

There was silence for a moment; Willow didn’t understand just why she was so angry and Angel…well…she figured Angel was surprised by her reaction as well.

“I know how much good you do.” His voice was quiet, so quiet that she was surprised she heard it through the din of her own confusion.

What could she say to that? There were layers of meaning hidden beneath the words that Willow was nowhere near comfortable exploring, even with Spike out of the room. Now it was her turn to change the subject.

“Are you okay? How’s Cordelia holding up?”

“As well as can be expected. She…she’d finally agreed to go out with him, you know?”

“I know how much you miss him, too.”

“Yes, you do.”

She could see Jesse’s face clear as day for a brief moment as Angel said that, more clearly, in fact, than she’d seen it for a long time. Yeah, she did understand Angel’s pain. A part of her wished she was still there with him.

She wasn’t the only one who felt that way. “I miss you.” Soft again, but Willow heard him.

“Me, too,” she said without thinking, regretting the words as soon as they were spoken. Somehow she’d committed to something, given depth and meaning to something she’d hoped could stay small and insignificant.

“You can come back, you know.”

What could she say to that? Nothing, as it turned out.

Angel read the tea leaves of her silence and switched topics again. “What did they say about you being gone?”

“Not much. I mean, Anya was ticked off that I wasn’t there to do all the research, but everyone else understood that my aunt needed me.” Willow couldn’t keep the edge of bitterness out of her voice. As glad as she was not to have been caught, a part of her couldn’t help but ache all over again at the fact that the only sympathy she got from her friends was for an entirely fictitious family tragedy.

“They bought the excuse then?” Speaking of edges and voices, there was no small amount of contempt in Angel’s tone.

“Yeah. Well, there was kind of a close call with Xander. He sort of remembered that my Aunt Esther actually died way back when I was in fifth grade.”

“He did?” More contempt, this time mingled with surprise.

“Well, not that well. Spike and I gaslighted him and it pretty much worked.”

A snort was her only answer. She should be glad of that, she supposed. There’d just be more guilt to bear later if Angel insulted Xander and she said nothing in his defense.

“Something’s up with Buffy,” Willow volunteered a moment later.

“Oh?” There was interest there, but something was missing.

“I think something happened that she isn’t saying.”

“She’ll tell you. Buffy’s never kept secrets from you for long.”

“I just think…maybe that will make me feel more guilty.” Great, she would have to walk headlong into a minefield.

“Why?”

Why? Did Angel just ask her why? Well, the grief over Doyle’s death was a very powerful emotion and perhaps it had Angel more at sixes and sevens than she’d realized.

She did her best not to sound exasperated or impatient. “Because of you and me.”

“There’s nothing for you to feel guilty about.”

“Nothing? Angel, you two are soul mates and I’ve had more sex with you than she has. You guys only got to be together once.”

“Twice.”

“Yeah, I know you and I were together twice, but…”

“So were Buffy and I.”

Okay…what? When had that happened? Because Buffy never told her about it, which was shocking since Buffy had retold the story of her first time with Angel over and over again. Why wouldn’t she have been equally forthcoming about a second tryst?

“Huh?” What it lacked in coherence, it made up for in at least conveying the shock and confusion she felt. “Buffy didn’t tell me that you…”

“I…I’ll tell you about it sometime.”

“You can’t drop a bombshell like that and say you’ll tell me about it later.”

“Willow, it’s not something I want to discuss over the phone.”

“So why did you even tell me about it?”

“I don’t know. But I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

There was nothing to be done. She understood Angel enough to know that pleas and entreaties weren’t going to get her anywhere. And how terrifying was that - that she knew him so well?

“What happened that night in Vienna? You know, with Spike?” No harm in trying to get some of her curiosity satisfied, was there?

A low chuckle was her only answer for a long moment. It should have chilled her. It didn’t.

“William stepped over the line a bit. I had to…I mean…”

“I know who you mean,” Willow hastened to reassure him.

“He needed to be shown his place.” Another chuckle, this one carrying the timbre of a man almost lost in reverie.

That’s all the story she was going to get?

Maybe some deft fishing would help. “Spike looked almost nostalgic when I told him what you said. It doesn’t seem to go along with the whole punishment scenario you’re talking about.”

“There are all sorts of ways to punish someone.” Angel’s voice was husky and Willow got the distinct impression that there was an offer being made. Her body responded.

“Oh.” There was a hitch in her voice as she replied. She knew Angel could hear it.

“Will you be coming back?”

“I have school.” And a best friend who still loves you.

Buffy. Why hadn’t her first thought been of Oz. Why hadn’t she thought of Oz at all until now?

“I miss you.” He’d said that before.

“I know.”

Another thing she hadn’t thought about in awhile came to mind: the curse. How many more ‘visits’ could it withstand? Perhaps she should just stay far away forevermore.

“It’s not just the sex, you know. It’s…I like having you around.”

The feel of her teeth gnawing at her lower lip was uncomfortable, but at least it was distracting enough to keep Willow from saying things she oughtn’t.

“I like you, too, Angel.”

She could tell it wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but that was tough. He wasn’t big on telling her what she wanted to hear either.

“Willow, I…”

“I can’t come back there, Angel. Not for awhile, anyway. I know you’re hurting, and I’m sorry. But you do have Cordelia, and while I’m pretty sure it’s not the same thing, though if it is, it’s none of my business, you’re not alone. And I have a life here. I have friends, I have school, I have…a duty, you know? I help Buffy and it’s important. I can’t just keep running back to L.A. all the time.” She could feel his irritation through the plastic of the handset. “I am sorry.” She said it because she meant it, not because she sought to pacify him.

It struck her - suddenly, as such things always did - that Angel was the only person she’d never been afraid of fighting with. Not for one moment did she worry that standing up to him would cause her to lose him…and that wasn’t because she didn’t care.

One more piece of knowledge that made her question her lifelong passion for ferreting out information, for reading and learning and striving to know. Whoever had first said that ignorance was bliss might have been the wisest man ever born. And Socrates might have been a fool. Because there were things about herself that Willow wished like anything she hadn‘t discovered.

“I understand.” He was lying, of course. Willow knew that he didn’t understand at all. She realized for the first time that there was a streak of selfishness in him, something buried under layers of self-abnegation and soulful altruism. He wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. Was that the vampire or the man?

“I should go. Spike’s probably trying to redecorate my parents’ living room.”

“What?” Angel chuckled as he spoke.

“He thinks it looks like a catalogue. He hates my room, too.”

No answer. Great. Even Angel hated her bedroom. She looked around. It wasn’t that bad. She’d seen worse. She resisted the temptation to defend herself against the insult hidden in Angel’s silence, however. There really was no point. Besides, she consoled herself, it was natural for vampires to hate pastels; his lack of appreciation for her décor probably had nothing to do with its actual aesthetic merit.

“I’ll call you soon, okay? Tell Cordelia I’ll call her too.” She waited a moment, but Angel still said nothing, so she hung up the phone.

She sat for a moment, trying to find comfort in the quiet, but her brain was noisy with thought and there was really no quiet at all. Despite the way the call had ended, despite the maddening questions he’d raised and then refused to answer, she knew that nothing had changed between her and Angel. Whatever this thing was, it existed still. They were still an ‘us’ and not just two people who’d had a fling, and a part of her was so very glad of that.

Willow wanted him. It was more than that, but ‘want’ was the strongest word she was willing to give form to and it would have to serve. It was a powerful thing, this desire that hid something deeper beneath what she wanted to see, and it threatened everything she held dear, not the least by showing her how little of it really existed anymore.

Too many mysteries, too much confusion, too many things she was almost unable to keep pretending weren’t true. She wished she could hate Angel for it all. She couldn’t.

Time to go downstairs, she supposed. There was no telling what Spike was up to down there. He may have been chipped, but he was far from harmless, and she trusted him about as far as she could throw him.

Heading for the stairs, she did her best to shake off the phone call. Her worries would keep until such time as she could be alone with them. The last thing she needed was to show vulnerability around a predator. After all, vampires had more than just fangs.

“Spike?” she called out, almost afraid to enter the living room without warning him of her approach.

“Yeah, Red.” He sounded amused but strangled, as if there was something cutting on the tip of his tongue. She wondered why he restrained himself. Not for the first time tonight was she curious about his relationship with Angel and just what he felt about his sire. She had a hunch that whatever she and the others thought was wrong, in whole or at least in part.

“I’m off the phone now.”

“Kinda figured that.” There was the snide remark she’d been expecting. She let out the breath she’d somehow been holding. It was easier to deal with Spike when he did what she expected.

Could that be why he did it?

“Whatcha watching?”

“Nothing really. Amazing how there can be so many channels and nothin’ on any of ‘em.”

“Yeah, most people feel that way. But they keep paying for the channels anyway, so really, the companies have no impetus to change. Maybe if everyone cancelled their subscriptions we could force the cable networks to implement more desirable content and…“ Willow stopped, realizing that her animated tone and expressive gestures, combined with the rant itself, were giving far too much importance to what had started as a commonplace observation. “I really think too hard about this stuff. Sorry.”

“No need to apologize. You think more about nothing than your little pals think about anything. Makes for a nice change of pace.”

“I don’t know. Giles is pretty think-y.”

“And dull as dirt for all of it.”

That brought things to a bit of an awkward halt; Willow felt neither like arguing or, much to her distress, like defending Giles. Luckily, Spike found the silence as uncomfortable as she did and he soon spoke up, the previous topic done with.

“So what did the poof have to say?”

She wasn’t going to waste time objecting to the insulting sobriquet by which Spike referred to Angel. “Not much. I hadn’t called him to let him know what was happening here and he just wanted to make sure I was okay.”

Spike snorted. “Not bloody likely. Pet, if anything dire had happened to you, he’d have sensed it and been down here before you had time to die. What do you think that mark on your neck is, anyway?”

Was Spike right? No, he couldn’t be. Angel had sounded very concerned and Willow was sure he wouldn’t lie about that. Why would he, after all? And if he was being honest, and he didn’t know whether Willow was okay or not, then that might mean…

“Maybe this isn’t a claiming mark then? Because he sounded very worried.”

Spike snorted again, more disdainfully this time. “You think I don’t know the difference between a sex bite and a claiming bite? I wasn’t turned yesterday. Angel may have been worried, but it wasn’t about whether you were alive and in one piece. He was probably afraid that your merry band of morons had figured out you were up to something and that there’d be no more delightful little visits from you.”

Willow felt pain in a way that was almost physical. She remembered the concern in Angel’s voice and how good it had been to have someone actually worry about her. Had it been a lie? More of Angel’s selfishness?

Spike could see her uncertainty and sadness. “Don’t take it like that. You wouldn’t have that bite if he didn’t care.”

She was about to ask how he knew what she was afraid of, but in a sudden burst of welcome insight, she realized that right now she didn’t actually want to know.

Instead, she countered his observation and accepted the truth of her own fear with some cold, hard logic. “He can’t care that much. He still has his soul.”

“C’mon, Red. Angel may be hard up, but he’s hardly going to claim someone he only wanted as a safe shag. If I were you, I’d do a bit of research into that curse. There must be a loophole somewhere.” Spike looked her up and down and leered. “From where I sit, a bloke could be every bit as happy with you in his bed as with that Slayer. More, in fact.”

“I don’t really want to talk about this with you, okay. No offense.”

“None taken.” But there was, and Willow wished she hadn’t said things the way she had. She might not trust Spike, but she liked him for some unfathomable reason and she hated to hurt his feelings.

“Look, I’m sorry. I’m just…I don’t even talk about sex with Buffy, at least not sex that I’m having, and I’m still feeling really weird about this whole thing and…”

“I get it.” Happily, whether he got it or not, he was at least less offended and that made Willow about as close to happy as she could get right now.

Willow finally decided to sit down, it was rather impolite not to, she realized. So she sat at the other end of the couch and stared at the TV. Spike was right; if the channel he had on was showing the best of tonight’s programming, there was nothing worth watching. Was there anyone on the planet who hadn’t already seen Interview With the Vampire? Besides, it was ridiculous and she probably would have thought so even if she didn’t live in Sunnydale and chat (and then some) with vampires on a regular basis.

“What made you decide to watch this movie?” Willow asked, figuring Spike would have to prefer even infomercials to a film like this.

“Wanted a laugh.”

“Oh. That makes sense.”

Another long pause. That wasn’t really surprising. Aside from attempts to kill her or make her do spells for him (and her relationship with his sire), she and Spike really didn’t know each other all that well and it was challenging finding comfortable topics of conversation.

After a minute or two, she tried to restart things. “He didn’t tell me anything about Vienna.” She figured Spike might find it comforting to know that none of his secrets had been revealed.

“He didn’t, huh?” Spike didn’t look comforted at all.

Typical. Willow always said the wrong thing. She hated herself right now. Was there a way she could somehow save this and make Spike feel better? “Well, not any details. He did chuckle a lot, you know, in that really creepy, Angelus kind of way. And he said some stuff about needing to put you in your place and that there are all sorts of ways to punish someone.”

Good job. It worked. Spike got the oddest, almost happy sort of light in his eyes. The hooded, guarded look she was used to returned in a trice, but it had been gone for a second and Willow felt the victory keenly.

“Did he now.”

That was all he said, but it held worlds in its depths.

She got it, finally. She did. For all the hatred and for all the times they’d fought and tried to kill each other, Angel was still family. No one wanted to be forgotten and cast aside by their own family. Who could understand that better than Willow?

“You’re not asking me any questions,” Spike chided.

She was a bit taken aback. “I figured since I didn’t want to answer any of yours…”

“I’m not shy. Ask away.” He was impish now and she knew he wanted to make her blush. She figured she ought to let him. She still owed him for having to bring up his chip earlier that night.

“Okay.” She was blushing already and she hadn’t asked a question yet. “Did it…hurt? When he punished you, I mean?”

“Oh yeah.” Spike’s expression told her he hadn’t minded that a bit.

Willow blushed again, knowing from personal experience that Angel had a talent for making pain…not so painful.

Spike caught the look in her eyes. “Bring back memories, did I? Looks like you’re answering my questions after all.”

She could feel the burn of her cheeks as they turned scarlet. Sure, she owed Spike, but she wasn’t sure she owed him quite this much.. Oh well, no going back now.

“I am pretty sure it wasn’t like when you and he…you know.”

“Shagged? Probably not. You being human and female and all. Still, it sounds as if you and my sire had quite a time of it. Big difference between that and when he bedded the Slayer, I’ll wager.”

“That was different. I mean, it was Buffy’s first time and…”

A loud guffaw interrupted her. “And she’s the Slayer. You’d think she could handle something a bit more intense than your typical teenage lovey-dovey nonsense. I heard all about it from Angelus, luv, and it sounds like a right boring time was had by all.”

“Buffy said it was beautiful,” Willow shot back. On this score she definitely felt the need to defend her friend. What Buffy had told her, after all, rather closely resembled Willow’s own cherished first time with Oz.

“She would,” Spike mocked.

“They loved each other, Spike. I’m sure Angel would have described it the same way Buffy did.”

“There’s all kinds of love, I suppose. Count me out of that kind.”

“You don’t have a soul. I guess that makes a difference.”

“Thank hell for that, that’s all I can say. All that softness and hand-holding…it’s not right. No proper vampire would have anything to do with nonsense like that. I’m glad not to be anything like the poof, I’ll tell you that.”

Willow couldn’t help herself; she giggled. Spike was so serious, and even though he was unknowingly insulting Willow’s intimate relationship with Oz, she still somehow found his attitude amusing.

Spike glared at her, though she could tell he didn’t really mean it.

“I’m sorry…it’s just…”

“Oh, c’mon. don’t tell me that you aren’t disgusted at the thought of all that sweetness and light. You can’t have ever gone in for that sort of thing. Oz might have been an utter prat, but he was a wolf.”

“Actually…” Her cheeks flamed again, though she had no idea why she felt ashamed of her relationship with Oz.

“Oh no. Not another ‘oh woe is me, I wish I wasn’t a demon’ bloke. Is there something in the water here or something? What’s so bad about being a demon, I’d like to know? The bloodshed, the torture, the screams, the sex - it’s a great life. It’s not something to be ashamed of, I’ll tell you that much.”

“You miss it, don’t you?”

“Of course,” he said, looking at her as if she’d just said the stupidest thing he’d ever heard.

“I guess I understand. I mean, none of that stuff sounds all that great to me, well maybe the sex, although probably not the kind of sex you’re into, so…anyway, I…yeah, I can see where having everything that makes your life worth living taken away would really…well…suck.”

Spike stared at her for a long minute. “I guess you would at that.”

Then the seriousness was gone, replaced by the impertinence she was more familiar with. “At least there was none of that kissy-kissy rubbish with you and Peaches.” He looked at Willow’s open mouth and immediately stopped her before she could speak. “Don’t even try to lie to me. I caught that look you had when I talked about the pain and the way you answered my comments about that oh-so-fateful tumble Angel had with your precious Slayer. ‘Sides, there’s no way a vamp claims someone if they’re not givin’ his demon a good seeing-to, get my meaning?”

Just as her blush was finally fading, he brought the flames back to her cheeks. No, what she and Angel had done had been nothing like what she’d shared with Oz or like what Angel had shared with Buffy. Even when Angel had been tender it had been…intense.

She was a very bad person. Maybe even worse than the demon blithely discussing her sex life on her parents’ sofa. At least he could blame the absence of a soul. What was Willow’s excuse? Even if she hadn’t had more sex with Angel than Buffy had, she still had that bite mark, and that was something that would kill Buffy if she ever found out.

It was something that would make Oz hate her and never, ever want her back.

“Would you mind if we didn’t talk about this anymore?”

“Making you uncomfortable?”

“Buffy’s my friend.”

Spike seemed shocked; obviously he’d thought she was more disturbed by the sexual aspects of the conversation than the fact that what they were really talking about, at least in Willow’s mind, was her complete betrayal of two people she loved.

Much to her surprise, Spike didn’t come back at her with any snide comments about Willow obviously not caring enough about Buffy‘s feelings to skip that second trip to L.A. Instead he sat back on the couch and focused his attention on the television.

The movie, that silly movie, was still playing, and Willow figured the only thing that might make it bearable was popcorn. She went into the kitchen in search of some. Spike sat silent in the living room as Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt continued their defamation of all things undead. The conversation, at least for tonight, had ended.


Tbc…