Quantum Xander II: In Wake of the Curse

Part 5

Spike sat on Xander’s bed and read the first entry in the journal in his hands; he had no doubt whatsoever that it had been written by an alternate version of himself. Not only was the penmanship identical, it smelled like him.

So, here I am, William the Bloody with a soddin’ journal. Well, I ain’t gonna write in it like some bloody chit. So I’ll just make like I’m writing this ’cause I plan on letting you read it at some point, okay, love?

Love? Spike was shocked. He hadn’t expected this. He read on.

Xander, I don’t know what possessed you to help me, but I am deeply grateful to you. You will never know how close to the end I was, how easily I could have given up hope on ever having a better life. You saved me. Poncy as it sounds, I owe you my unlife.

I can’t tell you all the things that I’ve been through; reliving them just isn’t in the cards for me right now. Might just send me right around the bend to think of some of it. The lesser extent of the damage, you already know. I was raped, beaten, tortured, mutilated. I’ve had things inside me that no vampire should ever have inside them, crosses, holy water, stakes, UV lights.

Spike growled as the words on the page played out in his mind. That kind of torture was unheard of; even demons wouldn’t do that to one another. Who the hell had put his other self through that?

You’re probably wondering right now what’s going on between us, wish I could tell you. Truth is I don’t know. I know I want you, I need you - so bloody much I’m afraid of what will happen when you realize how pathetic I am and decide you’re better off without me. I know that I don’t deserve you, but I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you with me as long as I can.

Since this is my book, and I don’t have to let you read this unless I want to, I can admit to myself in here that I love you. Don’t know when it happened exactly, but I do. Won’t tell you though, too scared of running you off.

You’ve given me back my life, my freedom. You gave me safety, security, loyalty and friendship. You gave me the sun, Xander;

“What? How the hell?”

words can’t express what that means to me, hopefully someday I’ll be able to show you. You make me whole; with you I want to write bloody poetry and read it to you in bed. I used to be a poet, back before I was changed. You bring out the man in me, Xander. That’s a good thing.

When I made love to you - and that is what I did - it was because I wanted to, wanted you. I hope you know that it wasn’t just sex, that I wasn’t using you. I wouldn’t, not you - not ever. I’m not ready to let you take me, but it’s not because I don’t want you, it’s just that I’m afraid. Yeah, that’s right. The Big Bad is afraid. They hurt me, love. They hurt me so badly I don’t know if I’ll ever recover. I hope you can understand that, and that you’ll be patient.

Spike knew that whoever had done these things to his double had caused him more than just physical damage. They hurt him emotionally; the big bad feared nothing. He’d survived Angelus, for Christ sake. Once again he wondered who had done this.

Meeting you as a vampire has been an enlightening experience - you make a bloody gorgeous demon, love. A part of me wants to turn you so badly it makes my teeth itch. My demon screams out for you. Not because I want to kill you, because I want to claim you, keep you forever. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you now. I need you so bloody much it scares me. The rest of me though, well, the rest of me wants you forever as well, but as you are, warm and human and so bloody perfect. I love dipping into your body, feeling all that heat surrounding me, holding me tight. Bloody amazing. Don’t want to give that up any time soon, or at all.

Spike adjusted himself in his jeans and read on.

I know you’re eager to get home, to get back to your mates and all, but I hope we don’t get there too soon. I don’t want to share you just yet; I’m selfish that way. I like having you all to myself, holding you close, watching you sleep. I’m afraid I’ll lose you when we get to your world. To your friends, your life, your Spike. He must realize what a fine man you are, even if he doesn’t say anything. I’m jealous of myself, bloody ironic, innit?

Spike chuckled. Before the soul, that would have made him laugh out loud. Now though, the way Xander had been taking care of him, he could almost understand the sentiment.

You gave me so much, my life, my freedom, your trust, your… innocence. You give and give, Xander. And I take and take. What the hell do you get out of this? I’m no prize, pet. I know that. Wasn’t when I was human, nor after I was turned - Angelus wanted to stake me so many times it wasn’t funny, even worse now. I can’t even be a proper vampire, can’t protect you from other humans.

Worthless. That’s what I am. I won’t tell you that though, figure it out on your own sooner or later. Me, I’m hoping for later. I want to have as much time with you as I can before it all gets blown to shit. Don’t know what I’ll do then, just wait for the dawn I suppose; ring comes off, after all.

“Ring? What ring? Bloody hell! He had the gem of Amara?”

Spike turned the page and read on. He was part way through the next entry when he vamped out and began snarling at the things he was reading.

He reeks of them, Finn, and his boys. I’m surprised Angel can’t smell it, maybe he can.

You know they skinned me once? Peeled me like a fucking apple. I screamed, I’ll admit. Wouldn’t you? One long strip from shoulder to wrist, both sides. Then my legs, ankle to thigh. They laughed while they did it; couple of ’em even jerked off onto my skinless chest and back once it was all finished. I could still smell them, under my skin when it grew back. I had to cut it off again myself to wash away the filth. Wasn’t easy, I couldn’t reach my back, I ended up pouring holy water on it to burn the skin away.

Riley Finn had done those things? It was almost unbelievable; the Finn he knew was no rapist, he was nothing more than a submissive little shit who got his jollies off having vampires feed from him. He had his head so far up Buffy’s ass he could see what she’d eaten for breakfast.

“What the hell turned Farmboy into a psycho?”

Spike continued to read the journal. He was shocked at the way this Spike wrote about Xander, about the things he had done. It wasn’t the boy he remembered; the Xander he knew would never torture a human being. But from what he was looking at, Xander had done just that.

God, my pet bloody amazes me! For a white hat, he has some wickedly cruel ideas in his head. Hells, even Angelus was impressed by him. And that’s saying quite a bit; my sire doesn’t impress easily.

Xander never even balked once throughout the whole thing. Not when Angelus poured acid on Finn or when he pulled off his fingernails, not even when he rammed the hot poker up his ass. Hells, even I was a bit nauseated by the smell of that; burnt flesh and excrement, not a nice aroma.

The boy seems to have a particular fondness for pulling Finn’s teeth. I think he’s got all of them now. Kept them too. Don’t know why, souvenirs I guess. Like that about him, sentimental fool.

Spike continued reading through the journal wondering if he shouldn’t have started with the other book instead. Reading the thoughts of his other self was more than a little disturbing. Knowing that he had been in love with Xander, that Xander had been... intimate with him. He hadn’t even known the boy was bent.

The second to last entry in the journal made Spike sit up in alarm on the bed. He desperately wished for a cigarette as he read.

I don’t know what deity I have to thank for you, who it is that looks out for helpless vampires, but I owe them a bloody lot of gratitude. I still can’t believe you’re mine. That you agreed to mate with me has filled my dead heart with a joy that I’ve never experienced in my long life. Not even Dru made me feel this way and she was my sire.

I’m just sitting here in the dark watching you sleep, seeing my claim on your neck and I feel like I’m going to explode I’m so full of... don’t even know how to explain it. Just knowing that you’re mine, body and soul, it does things to me. Makes me wish I could shout it out to the world; that Xander Harris loves me enough to bind himself to me forever.

So, what the hell am I doing sitting in a chair watching you sleep when I could be in that bed with you? Holding you? Never said I was the smartest demon around.

If you ever read this, Xander, just know that you’ve made me the happiest I’ve ever been. If I had been cursed with a soul, I would have lost it the moment you looked into my eyes and told me you loved me. If I’m dusted tomorrow, I’ll go a happy man. Everything I’ve been through has been worth it, because it led me to you. I love you Xander.

“Soddin’ hell. The boy mated to a vampire? An alternate-reality version of me? A non-souled version of me? What the hell was he thinking?”

Spike had heard of vampires taking humans for mates, but it didn’t happen too often. Usually the vamp would just turn the human; being the sire gave them the right to claim them as a mate, as well. He never understood why a vampire would want to claim a human as mate, not until Buffy, anyway.

Xander’s treatment of him was beginning to make more sense to him now. He only hoped that he wasn’t looking to replace what he had lost. He wasn’t that Spike, never could be. He had fought too hard, endured too much, to the point of getting his soul back to earn Buffy’s love. He wouldn’t give up on her loving him. He couldn’t.

The last passage in the book was rather detailed and personal. It was enough to make the soul blush in response to the images the demon conjured up to go along with the words. As he read, he knew he’d never be able to look at Xander the same way again.

The things I want to do to you, Xander you have no idea. Tonight? That was just the tip of the iceberg of what I have in store. Spanking your ass ’til it was nice and pink was fun, but someday, oh someday I’m gonna spank you ‘til you’re raw and begging for me to stop. Then I’m gonna spank you just a little bit more.

Seeing you spread-eagled on the bed, cuffed to the headboard and at my mercy, bloody hell you have no idea what that does to me. You’re so beautiful love, so hot. I could look at you forever; see you stare at me with lust and love and longing in your eyes, watch your cock dripping for me, wanting to taste you - you taste exquisite - but making myself wait, knowing it’ll be that much better when I finally give in.

I want to get you a piercing, a good sturdy hoop through your nipple. You’ll love it; I promise. I think silver would look lovely against your tanned skin. Something I can play with, make you squirm and beg for more. You’re so responsive, Xan; the way you took to the whip was unbelievable.

Can’t wait ‘til I can use it on you proper like. Teasing and soft touches are all good and fun and I know it was torture for you, feeling the softness of the leather as I dragged it over your skin, as I trailed it down between your legs. I knew the cock ring would come in handy; can’t have you soiling my new toy. I wonder though, will you use it on me if I ask you? Would you tie me down and whip my back, my ass, mark me? Make me bleed for you? I’d love it, you know. To bleed for you, to beg for you.

‘Course, turn about’s fair play, innit? I’d want to do all those things to you as well. Would you let me? Would you beg for me so prettily? Call me master? I’d do it for you, be your willing slave. Would you bleed for me, Xander? I love the way you taste; your blood calls to me, makes me hard just thinking about it. I love the way you taste when you cum.

I don’t know what we’re going to face tomorrow when we go looking for the Master, but I do know that with you by my side, I can face anything.

The rest of the book was empty and Spike felt like he had been left dangling over a cliff. He wanted to know how it ended, what had happened to his doppelganger, how he had been killed. It was obvious that whatever had happened, it had happened not long after this entry, likely the next day. He knew the only way he would get the answers he wanted was to read through Xander’s journal. It just felt wrong. At least he had been able to tell himself that because this was Spike’s journal, and he was Spike, he had some right to read it.

It was a flimsy excuse and he knew it, but he had no excuse for reading Xander’s. He decided to go and have that cigarette; maybe the nicotine would help him think up some validation for invading the man’s privacy.