Kindness, Love, and Acceptance

Part 5

Xander was quiet. It unnerved Spike; he wasn't accustomed to a silent Xander. The boy was always talking, joking, laughing about something. Now he was just silent. The TV was on, some silly show with a bunch of thirty-something actors pretending to be twenty-something college students. It usually made his lover laugh. Not tonight. Spike was about to scream, he was so frustrated. He flicked off the television and sat down on the far end of the couch. "Alright, pet. What's bothering you?"

"It's nothing."

"Bullshit. It ain't nothing if it's got you this upset."

"I don't want to talk about it. Not with you."

Spike was instantly offended. Then he frowned as the truth hit him. Xander was brooding about the boy - Angel's son - Connor. And he didn't want to talk about it with him. "Well, too bad. You take off, you fuck someone else, and then sit here brooding about it and tell me you don't want to talk about it? Not on, luv. You don't get off that easy. I think, since I was *incredibly* understanding about the whole fuckin' around bit, that I have a right to know what you're thinking."

Xander sighed and ran his hands through his hair. He really didn't want to talk about this. In fact, he'd like to forget the whole thing ever happened. But he couldn't. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Connor's face. He saw the trust in those eyes, trust that he betrayed by taking advantage of him. And the worst part was, he liked the kid. Under different circumstances, he would have liked to see where it could have gone.
"I was just wondering who the hell I am."

"What d'you mean, luv?"

"I don't drink, I don't run away, and I certainly don't fool around on my lover. So I ask you, who the hell am I?"

Spike didn't have any answer for this. Xander never was much of a drinker - the odd beer now and again sure, but never had Spike seen him drunk. He wasn't a runner, always throwing himself in the line of fire, not once thinking of abandoning his friends. And Spike knew his boy didn't cheat. Not since he'd been caught kissing the witch back in high school. It had cost him Cordelia, and he had never strayed after that. So what was he to say? How did he assure his lover when he himself didn't understand what had happened?

"Er, well, you're Xander. You're loyal..." Xander snorted disgustedly. "...brave, funny; you're beautiful..." That got Xander to look at him. It was a look that clearly stated that he doubted Spike's sanity. "...and you're mine. Other than that, Xan I don't know. Why don't you tell me what happened. Everything that happened, and we'll see if we can't figure it out together."

So Xander did. He told him about how his heart broke hearing Angel's name whispered on his lips as he drove inside of him. How he just couldn't stay there and be a substitute for someone else. How he felt knowing that once again, Angel had taken the one he loved. He told him about his miserable day in the seedy L.A. bar. How by the time Connor had come in he was thoroughly pickled in cheap whiskey.

He described - in agonising detail - how he had seduced the young man, using his own pain and uncertainties against him. How he had made him want what he was offering. How he had destroyed a young man’s innocence in the name of revenge. They were quiet for some time afterwards. Spike was still reeling from the picture of his lover seducing this young man. He saw the whole thing in his mind’s eye, the gentle touches, the soft lingering kisses. It was almost as if he were in the room, watching it as it happened.

"That's not the worst part though, Spike. If ... if things were different, if it were another time and place, I'd have gone after him."

Spike knew that Xander was telling the truth. He was just glad that it wasn't another time and place, that Xander had come back to him, not gone after this Connor instead. He wasn't sure what had made him say Angel's name, but he knew he would never do anything like that again. He couldn't stand to lose Xander, and certainly not now when he knew that there was someone else out there that his lover was interested in.

"Well luv, it's sounds to me like you're a decent man who made a mistake. You're sitting there beating yourself up over this kid you seduced. Another person wouldn't be doing that. They'd be glad the kid did a runner, happy to not have to face them again. But you, you're sitting around wondering if he's alright, if he hates you for what you did."

"I owe him an apology, Spike. I used him. I can't forgive myself for what I've done, to him, to you, to us. I need to find him just to explain. I don't think I can get past this until I do."

"I understand. I don't like it, but I understand. You wouldn't be you if you didn't feel this way. Do you want me to come with you?"

"No. I think it'd be better if I went alone."

Spike clamped down on the urge to vamp out and growl. His demon was raging at the idea of Xander being alone with this boy who he had already been unfaithful with once. He wasn't sure he could do this; letting Xander go off on his own went against every instinct he had.

"I won't be long, Spike. I'll just go to L.A., find him, apologise and come home." Xander kissed Spike, grabbed his keys and was out the door before Spike could stop him.

~!~

Spike sat in stunned silence. He couldn't believe Xander had just left like that. He couldn't believe he'd let him. It was so much easier in the old days; he never would have taken up with a human in the first place, he'd have simply turned Xander. As a vampire and his childe, Xander would have had no choice but to stay put. Then again, Spike would have likely torn him apart for cheating. This whole soul-having experience was a pain in the ass.

The knock on the door startled him out of his thoughts and he stood and strode angrily across the room to answer it. If it was the slayer or her new boy-toy he was going to rip them a new one.

He snarled as the scent of the young man in the hallway filled his nostrils. He reached out and grabbed him by the throat and dragged him inside. He had him pressed up against the back of the door before he was able to reign in the demon's lust for revenge.

Connor wasn't expecting to be hauled inside by a vampire. He was so stunned that the demon had him completely restrained before he had a chance to react. He struggled to get free, but Spike wasn't some weak minion; he was a master vampire, with a master's strength. And his demon was mighty pissed at the young man in front of him.

"So, you're Connor then? Can see what Xander saw in you. Doesn't make it right though, does it?" Spike sneered at the boy and Connor resumed his fight for freedom. "What are you doing here, boy? Come to see if you stood a chance with Xander? That it? Well forget it! He's mine, see. And I know all about what happened between you, I know who and what you are."

"I know what you are too, demon. Does Xander know what he lies with at night? Does he know his 'William' is nothing more than a monster?"

Spike laughed in Connor’s face. "Of course he does. He loves me anyway. And the name is Spike, mate. You might want to remember that; go ask your Daddy all about me. I'm sure he'd have lots of pretty little tales to tell you."

"You know Angelus? My father?"

"’Course I do. We go way back, we do. You could even say he's the reason I'm here."

"He made you a vampire?"

"No. But he made the vampire who made me."

"Are you going to kill me?"

"No."

"Why not? Isn't that what demons do? Or are you going to tell me you're not like the others, that you're different. That you have a soul?"

Spike shook his head and chuckled ruefully. "Well, now that you mention it. I am different, and I do have a soul. But that's not why I'm not gonna kill you. I won't kill you 'cause Xander'd be angry with me, and I love him."

"Demons can't love."

"Can too. 'Sides, like I said, I have a soul."Spike let Connor go and stepped back. Connor reached inside his jacket for a stake and Spike smirked at him. "Tsk tsk, pet. What are you gonna do? Stake me? How do you think Xander will feel coming home to find me dust? Think he'll just say 'oh well' and take you to bed? Not likely, pup. Told you before, he loves me." In a lightening-fast move, Spike had the stake out of Connor’s hand and tucked it into the back pocket of his jeans. "'Sides, I'm faster than you."

Connor stood confused and stared at the vampire. He didn't understand what was happening. "Where is Xander?"

"Gone to L.A. Went looking for you. To explain things, apologise about last night."

"Then he regrets it." Connor looked dejected and turned toward the door. "Tell him, he's forgiven. I won't bother him again."

Spike growled at himself for what he was about to do. "Hold up. Where are you going to go?"

"I don't know."

"Sit down then. No point in rushing off if you got nowhere to be."

"Why are you doing this? Being nice to me?"

"Dunno, pet. Must be the soul."

"My father has a soul; he's not nice."

Spike snorted."Yeah, well. Let me tell you a story about a drunken Irish lout who did nothing but steal from his da, and spend his time with tavern whores. Then I'll tell you a little about a soft-spoken English poet who never hurt no one and wore his heart on his sleeve. Then you can tell me why Angel is the way he is and I'm the way I am. Okay?"

Connor nodded and sat down in the chair across from the sofa and listened as Spike told him everything he knew about Angel's human life, and that of William the bloody awful poet.

~!~