Believe In Me

Spike stared at her for a bit before finally saying “She was his Sire.”

Buffy rolled her eyes and made her way over to the afghan that had gotten discarded. She wrapped it around her and regarded Spike, placing the ice pack on the counter. “I know that already. Tell me what I don’t know. Like why or how he could possibly be seeing her.”

“That I don’t know, Buffy,” Spike stated softly and grabbed the ice pack, handing it back to her. “Keep it on for a bit longer, pet.”

“He saw her earlier didn’t he?” Buffy asked softly, looking up at Spike imploringly.

“Pet,” Spike sighed, and shook his head. “Look, he won’t tell me anything either.”

“So you asked him what was up,” Buffy stated.

“I did.”

“When?”

“When you uh, changed.”

“Oh. And he said --?”

“Nothing. That was the problem. Whatever it is, it has to do with Giles though.”

Buffy sighed and sat down on a kitchen chair at the table. “You’d think after all we’ve been through, he’d make with the openness and tell us what’s going on.”

“He thinks it’s nothing. He thinks it has to do with it being Halloween and the veil between the worlds being the thinnest. It’s got him spooked, and rightfully so. Darla is a menacing little bitch.”

“Worse than Dru was?” Buffy asked with a smirk.

“Not worse, but not better or worse. Just different. Dru was off her rocker, Darla was vindictive and manipulative. Darla was cunning. That’s what made her and Angelus such a pair.”

Buffy shivered and not from the slight chill in the air. “Did they – did they love each other?”

“No, they didn’t love each other. Not the way Dru and I had. They were. . . obsessed with each other. Though, more Darla with Angelus than the other way around. Angelus reveled in having a consort to wreak havoc with, but Darla saw him as her mate.”

“Were they – did they claim each other?”

“No, Angelus saw his mark as her Sire as enough of a claim. Angelus didn’t want to be tied down to anyone. He wanted to be able to be free if the mood struck him, and it often did. Darla had her flings, but she only wanted her Angelus.”

“How did she die?”

“That, I’m not sure of. Both of us had our souls by then. I felt her, I felt her leave this earthly plane. Us being family and all, I felt it in my blood.”

“Spike?”

“Yes, luv?”

“Do you think that it’s just a Halloween fluke? Or do you think it’s something else at work?”

“Well, if it was something else at work, what could it possibly be?”

Buffy sighed heavily. “That’s a question I don’t really want to have to answer.”

********

“Mind telling me why you’re lying to Spike and Buffy?” Giles questioned Angel as soon as Angel was safely ensconced in his study.

“I don’t want to trouble them with the details.”

“You mean with the details of your past?” Giles asked dryly. “That’s very big of you, Angel.”

Angel ran a hand through his hair and sat down on his chair, cursing himself for not at least grabbing his pants in his haste to speak with Giles. He was currently sticking to the chair, which just upped his irritation and frustration. “What would be the point, Giles? It’s in the past. I sent Darla to hell. She’s supposed to be dead. Why do I need to get into the whole thing with them?”

“You mean, why bother telling Buffy and Spike that you not only helped me with my Slayer, but you had a relationship with her?”

Angel heaved a sigh, a heavy sigh bore of a mind exhausted. “It wasn’t my fault that Anna was in love with me—“

“And yet you did nothing to stop her affections.”

“What the hell was I supposed to do? I told her time and again…”

“Then why did you do it?”

“She asked me. She was afraid. She knew she was going to die. Hell, I knew it and I couldn’t…I couldn’t deny her that.”

“You didn’t love her at all?” Giles asked softly. Bringing up Anna was always a soft spot for both he and Angel. It was why they never spoke of it.

“I’ve only loved Buffy,” Angel said softly. “It haunts me still, Giles. Haunts me to know that Anna died trying to protect me from Darla and I let her down. She loved me and I let her down.”

“You didn’t let her down, you tried everything you could. You didn’t know what Darla was going to do. You didn’t know she was going to take Anna to Hell instead of you. You tried to sacrifice yourself for her.”

“And look what it got her. A trip to Hell.”

“The thing we have to wonder about now is why you’re suddenly seeing Darla.”

“You haven’t had any strange activities at all?”

“None.”

“I was afraid you were going to say that.”

“Figured that might put your mind at ease some.”

“Not really. Now I just have to face facts.”

“And that is?”

“I’m losing my mind.”

********

Angel stood in the center of the living room he shared with Spike and Buffy and stared down at his ladylove. She was curled up on the couch with the TV on low, no doubt having waited for him to finish talking with Giles.

His heart broke for what he did. He’d hit his girl, his beautiful girl. He felt like a monster for it. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her. She was everything to him and he couldn’t lose her. He almost had more than once and it’d nearly killed him. And so what had he done? He’d taken off as soon as Giles called. He hadn’t held her in his arms and told her how sorry he was. He hadn’t told her the truth. Any of it. For that matter, he hadn’t bothered to tell Spike either.

Feeling like a world class dick, Angel knelt beside Buffy and reached out, tentatively touching the side of her face. The mark had already faded, but he could still see it in his mind’s eye, clear as day. His handprint on her beautiful face. So lost in his musings was he, that he did not see that Buffy had awoken. She was watching him intently, waiting patiently for him.

She was always waiting patiently for him wasn’t she? He wasn’t as outspoken as Spike was. In fact, he wasn’t outspoken at all. He was quiet and withdrawn. Somehow though, she always brought him out. Spike had success with it as well. It wasn’t fair to them. It wasn’t fair that they always had to guess what was going on, and now, here she was, still asking without saying the words, and still offering her silent support.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he whispered.

“I’m okay.”

He shook his head, “It doesn’t excuse what I did. Please, forgive me.”

“I already did.”

“I was out of my head…Buffy, I would never—“

Sitting up, she wrapped her arms around him, “I know that, Angel. I know you would never hurt me intentionally.”

He pushed her back into the couch, holding onto her tightly, wishing somehow he could take her into himself, join them together so he’d never be without her. “Where’s Spike?” he asked hoarsely.

“In bed. I told him to go, he was tired and I wanted to wait for you.”

“Giles, he . . . he thinks it’s just Halloween.”

“Tricks and no treats?”

Angel pulled back so that he could face her, “Well, I’ve gotten some treats.”

She giggled and nuzzled the side of his face. “I love you, you know.”

“I know, sweetheart. You know I love you, right?”

“I do. Angel, can you tell me…anything? I mean, why Darla?”

“I couldn’t tell you, Buffy. I don’t know.”

“Is there a Big Bad we need to worry about?”

Angel sighed, “I hope not.”

“Did you kill her, Angel?”

He froze. “Buffy, I don’t want to talk about her.”

“But—“

“Let’s just forget about it, okay? I want to forget it. I want to put tonight behind me. I want to put the past behind me. My unlife was nothing until you came alone. What happened before was inconsequential.”

“Not if you’re seeing your past on my face!”

“Let’s just put it behind us. Chalk it up as a fluke.”

Buffy pursed her lips together. He knew she wanted more, but he didn’t want to get into it. He’d lose her if she knew. If she knew that before her, there was someone else, someone he couldn’t love, but felt as though he very much used. Buffy would think him awful. Buffy would think him weak. He’d told her once that she had been the only one, that he’d been alone before her. If she knew the truth, she’d think him a liar and one thing Buffy hated more than anything was a liar.

“Fine,” she finally said, though he could tell it was anything but fine. He gave her a minute to accept that it was the end of that conversation and waited this time for her.

“So,” she started lightly, “How is Giles? How is Lindsey? Is his fiancé driving him crazy with planning the wedding?”