Mangled Spells and Manly Bits

“You cooked?” Xander asked, unwilling to accept the evidence in front of her eyes. Pans strewn about, dirty butcher paper crumpled on the floor, stray noodles drying to the stovetop. Their first night in the chateau, and Xander had already discovered a wardrobe full of old fashioned dresses, the Playstation II, and 200 cable channels. Only after a couple of hours had Xander done looking for Spike. She really hadn’t expected to find him in the kitchen.

“Not an idiot, I can follow directions with the best of ‘em,” Spike gestured toward an open cookbook.

“Please tell me that’s a human cookbook and not some book of demon recipes using Faryl horn and chaos demon spleen.”

“Chaos demons don’t have spleens, ya eat their brains.” Xander stopped and looked at Spike’s neutral expression and wished she could read the vampire’s mind. Not just the demon brain thing, although she was looking that up in Giles’ books the minute she got hope, nope she wondered things like why Spike had fixed dinner in the first place. For a vampire, he was acting a little idiotic, and yes, she had seen Spike in idiot-mode before like turning his back on Buffy in that church. But cooking dinner for Xander the left over Slayerette? Yep, this was high on the vamp idiot scale.

“Why?”

“Supposed ta be a delicacy, innit?” Spike replied, and it took Xander a minute to realize that Spike had answered the question she asked out loud rather than the ones she’d had running through her mind.

“Oh…uh, yeah. Delicacy,” she muttered as she came all the way into the kitchen to get the plates and silverware she assumed hid in one of the cupboards. Fifty millions cabinets and drawers later she’d managed to set the small table in the kitchen.

“Ya aren’t comin’ down with one a those human viruses, are ya? Don’t want a snotty, drippy human ‘round the house.” Xander nearly laughed at how much Spike sounded like her mother, well except for the accent thing, and the man thing, and her mother had said shedding instead of snotty and drooling instead of dripping and dog instead of human, but other than that, they sounded just the same. And suddenly Xander didn’t like where that train of thought was threatening to go.

“Nope, no viruses here,” Xander confirmed as she concentrated on straightening spoons on the table.

“Here,” Spike walked over and handed her a glass of red wine and Xander stared at it blankly. “Ya have ta actually drink it for it ta relax you,” Spike pointed out after she had stared at the glass for some time.

“Oh yeah, I’ve seen this horror film,” Xander suddenly said as she looked up into Spike’s deceptively innocent eyes. “You get me horribly drunk and then you chop off my body parts.” Xander put the glass down on the table even as Spike walked over to drain the spaghetti.

“If I felt like choppin’ off body parts, I wouldn’t have ta get ya drunk. Besides, that’s a waste of good blood.” Spike poured a white sauce over the noodles and dumped shrimp on top before bringing the bowl to the table. “Drink,” he ordered and she felt the glass pressed into her hand again, and this time she brought the glass to her lips. One taste and she spluttered most of the wine over the counter she was facing. After wiping up the mess, she tried again, and while she didn’t particularly like the taste, she did appreciate the fact that the wine meant that the rest of the world suddenly made more sense.

“You got me drunk,” Xander accused Spike after dinner when they had gone into the family room. She had tried to sit on a big overstuffed chair next to the television, but she ended up on the floor.

“Yeah, pet. Mite easier than I expected, too.” Spike sat on the couch watching with that sexy half-tilt to his head. Oh no, not sexy. That disturbing half-tilt; that fascinating half-tilt; that intriguing half tilt, and damn it that’s the wrong direction, Xander complained to her drunken brain: think vampire, blood, guts, gore. Disgusting half-tilt she settled on before collapsing onto her back in giggles.

“What ya laughin’ about, pet?” Spike asked, and Xander sat up and smiled back at the vampire’s own smile.

“You’re not really disgusting,” Xander declared solemnly. Spike froze.

“Have ta say, that’s not the best compliment I’ve ever had, but a chap takes what he can get,” he finally replied with a shrug. Xander sat on the floor and watched Spike stand and stretch, his shirt rising up high enough to show a line of chiseled skin between the tight black jeans and the faded black t-shirt.

“Hey, no fair,” she shrieked.

“I’m evil, pet. Don’t have ta be fair,” Spike instantly responded as he brought his arms down. “What aren’t I bein’ fair about then?” he asked after a second. For some reason, that sent Xander into such giggles that she lay back on the floor panting for air.

“Not fair with you having the sexy stomach,” Xander pointed to the offending midsection, and she could see Spike’s eyebrow twitch in amusement. “You should have a big hairy stomach that hangs down over your jeans.”

“And why’s that, pet?” Spike asked as he knelt at her side, and Xander allowed her finger tips to reach out and touch the t-shirt over his stomach.

“That way you really are disgusting, and then I don’t have to argue with myself about intriguing stuff.”

“Remind me not ta get ya drunk again; ya sound like bloody Dru.” Spike said as Xander felt strong hands slip under her body and lift her effortlessly.

“You luuuuuv Dru,” she announced. “Spike and Dru sittin’ in a tree K-I-L-L-I-N-G. First comes love then comes...something….then comes something else that rhymes with something,” Xander sang happily. She actually liked the sound of her new voice, which was a nice change from the way she used to sound when she sang along with country songs on the radio.

Spike was strangely silent as he climbed the staircase with Xander in his arms. Spike kicked open the door to Xander’s room, and Xander found herself giggling at the sight they must have posed. The blonde rebel carrying the dark-haired damsel in distress, not that she couldn’t take care of herself. Because hey, when Buffy was all flu girl, she had punched Angelus. She’d do it again to because she wasn’t some giggling girl from the front of one of those books Willow read and then hid in the bottom of her backpack where she thought no one looked.

“I did, I punched Angelus,” she said again, or maybe said the first time, she wasn’t sure.

“Right, pet,” Spike agreed, but Xander could hear the quiet amusement.

“I did. I punched him and stuck a cross in his face when he was going to eat Buffy.” Xander lost track of up and down as Spike dropped her on the bed and she bounced a bit.

“Really? That must have been fun, sorry I missed it,” Spike said as he started pulling her shoes off. But Xander wasn’t done. Everyone treated her like she was the weak one of the group, and she wasn’t. Okay, maybe she was weaker that Buffy because of the whole Slayer thing, and Giles might have something on her what with the training and the magics, but she could still beat Willow arm wrestling, maybe, she thought as she looked at her now much smaller arm.

“That Halloween, I protected Buffy from all the crazy little sugared up children….Demon-children….Children who were turned into demons.” And suddenly talking seemed so much more difficult.

“I remember that. Took a whole lot of my minions ta hold you and Angel,” Spike mused, and Xander smiled at the fact that Spike had talked about her and Angel as if they both posed the same threat.

“Yep, and I stopped all the crazy demon eggs. And I broke into the army base and stole the rocket launcher and I fought vampires and I faced down Angelus, and I went undercover and went all fishy—not smelling fishy, like fishy fishy fish type demon fish.” Xander trailed off weakly as she suddenly realized that she was naked.

“Heya,” she screeched pulled the sheets up over her, but Spike simply cocked an eyebrow and lay down on top of the sheet so that he leaned against her side.

“What’s wrong, pet?” Spike asked.

“I’m not the weak one,” Xander continued her previous conversation now that she had covered all her bits. “I may have, you know needed help with the preying mantis lady, but she kicked Buffy’s ass too, and with the mummy girl, I stopped her from hurting Willow.”

“Don’t doubt it,” Spike said as he let his fingers run through her hair, and suddenly Xander had trouble remembering what she had been so upset about.

“You don’t think I’m weak?” she asked, confused.

“Nope. If ya were weak, I’d eat ya and get it over with. Ya don’t bloody back down for anyone, got brass balls on ya, even if ya don’t have balls anymore.” Xander knew that should probably be an insult, but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out how. It sounded like a compliment to her, and she smiled up at Spike happily.

“Buffy tries to send me home,” she sighed.

“Buffy’s a bloody idjit. Girl doesn’t know good help when she sees it. I remember how angry Peaches got when Dru wanted to turn ya, he raved about how he wouldn’t have another runt in the house, but I’ll tell ya a secret pet,” Spike leaned down and whispered in Xander’s ear so that she could feel his breath moving through her hair like a tiny breeze. “Angelus didn’t want ya as competition.”

“Really?” Xander closed her eyes at the thought of Angelus being afraid of her, of course closing her eyes also helped reduce the spinning in the room.

“Yep. He thought ya might take Dru from him seein’ as how she could sense your strength.” Xander sighed and arched into the gentle touches at her waist, pressing up into Spike’s caress even as Spike’s hand slid farther south.

“Was just the spell,” Xander mumbled, suddenly feeling so very right as her skin came alive under Spike’s touch. Spike’s hand now moved up until it rested over one of her breasts, kneading lightly before pinching the nipple so that Xander gasped.

“Nope. Spell made Dru notice ya, but even after she told Peaches how you’d make a beautiful vampire.” Xander realized that her skin and Spike’s skin had met, and she opened her eyes to find Spike slipped in the covers beside her. She struggled to capture an unpleasant thought that danced at the edge of her awareness, but she closed her eyes in pleasure when Spike pressed up against her, his leg slipping between hers and pressing up until she gasped with pleasure and grabbed at the vampire.

“Peaches finally forbid her ta turn ya,” Spike whispered, and Xander felt talented fingers reach down and press into that spot that made her writhe and buck until she gasped as wave after wave of pleasure crashed into her. “Told her he’d stake ya if you turned up a fledge on his doorstep,” Spike muttered as fingers slipped inside and pressed against the sensitive walls. Xander nearly wailed when Spike then began to nibble and suck at her neck, and for one brief moment she dully considered that vampire and neck were not a good combination, but then she lost that train of though as a mouth engulfed her right nipple, sucking and gently biting even as the invading fingers pressed harder. Xander felt as if she were having one weak orgasm after another as Spike’s talented hands and mouth moved from one part of her to another.

“Demons appreciate strength. It’s why Dru wanted ya, and it’s why I want ya,” Spike promised as he moved so that he now perched onto of Xander. Xander tried to figure out why Spike had stopped, but then she felt something huge press into her and she gasped at the intrusion, but Spike continued entering until Xander couldn’t take the pressure and suddenly she felt something break like a balloon and the pressure was gone, replaced with a sharp pain.

“You broke me,” Xander slurred her complaint.

“Nope, you’re all right, pet,” Spike said and then Xander could feel him pulling out. She put her hand down to check to see what he’d broken when he slammed in again, and suddenly she decided that if that’s what broken felt like, she was going to break some more stuff. Spike thrust again, and Xander nearly lost her breath as she reached up to grab Spike’s shoulders, pulling herself up towards him, and he drove in again and again. Spike shifted to one side, one of his arms disappearing even as he continued to ram in harder and harder as Xander gasped and rode sensations of pleasure and pain that made the rest of the world disappear in a haze. Then, even as Spike thrust, she could feel his fingers at that spot which had become her favorite body part, and she bucked up off the bed, nearly screaming as she could feel her orgasm run down her spine like fire. Spike thrust a couple more times and then she could feel the vampire come inside her, a strange feeling but not unpleasant. Not unpleasant at all.

“Spike.” Xander moaned.

“Shhh, go ta sleep, pet,” Spike whispered in her ear, and suddenly Xander couldn’t think of doing anything else in the world.