Chase This Night

Part 11

Faith ran, or more accurately, stumbled through the door to her old apartment, the heavy oak banging into the adjacent wall. Every inch of her body seemed to be screaming at her in pain. Any and all movement being strongly protested. But she pushed herself despite it. She had run full tilt all the way from the graveyard to her down town loft, the ache in her muscles at least drowning the one in her chest. Shifting it, changing it from that desolate feeling of loss to something more akin to anger.

Yeah, Faith was pissed.

She reached for the light switch, flipping it, she paused when nothing happened.

“Oh just fukin’ perfect.” The low grumble of her voice sounded menacing even to her own ears. But Faith thought she was justified in sounding a little threatening. The night had gone completely to hell. Tonight not only had she had she gotten everything she had ever wanted in her short life, she had also gotten it ripped away… and all in a matter of minutes. She’d come face to face with her biggest dread, and then gotten her ass well and truly kicked to top it all off.

Yeah, just fuckin’ perfect. What had possessed her to come back to this forsaken town anyway!? Not even one night here and it was already too much. She couldn’t handle it, she felt beaten.

Leaving the door open, for a little bit of light. Faith made her way though the darkened loft. She was headed for the bed, where she had dropped her bags. She immediately lifted the overstuffed duffle, slinging it over her shoulder. It was a well-practiced move. Every one of those dark voices inside her was telling her to run, whispering that sickening consciousness that it was all a mistake. Another mistake.

It was that instinct that had guided her all her life. Kept her running from one dead end to the next. Keeping her alive, but just barely. It was all she had ever known, all that she was ever taught.

Which is exactly why Faith couldn’t listen. Not this time, and not anymore.

She let the bag fall to the floor, sliding it off her sore shoulder, and Faith thought about where she was a day ago. Haunted and on the run, trapped by her own apathy. She thought about the last dream she had shared with B… She had made a decision, a promise to see this stint in Sunnydale through. A pulse of determination shot through her veins. If tonight’s bit of action was anything to go by, the hellmouth was gonna need her here. Buffy needed her here. And that had to be in spite of what was happening between them. And Faith knew a lot about spite.

God, she couldn’t even decide which she was feeling more, anger, hurt or something in between it all! All she knew was it was Buffy making her feel all this… so conflicted. It would be so easy to hate her again, but she didn’t think her soul could take the loss. Not now, not after knowing. But how could she survive loving her?

After letting the bag fall, Faith limped over to the large stereo system and randomly hit a button. She was pleasantly surprised when a soothing melody filled the air.

“Huh, Dicky sprung for those long life batteries…” She cranked the volume and let the deep melancholic voice wash over her. Whatever the woman was talking about didn’t really seem to matter, but the overall essence of it seemed to crawl over Faith’s skin, and that hopeless feeling was back before she could stop it. She couldn’t get B’s voice out of her head. One minute whispering how much she wanted her, throwing her away in the next. It tore her apart, just as she was made whole. She felt so used.

Faith swallowed hard and looked through he darkness surrounding her closing in on her, She had to stop the reel that had become her thoughts. She needed to get clean, patch up the newest wounds… some the bandages wouldn’t be able to fix, but she had a bottle that could help.

Faith was able to locate a few candles, and she always had her lighter on her so the place was lit up with minimal effort. The pint of Jack was located just as easily. Ripping off the cap, Faith downed a few hard pulls, the sour liquid burning deep in her chest. It felt so much better… as long as she kept telling herself she liked that empty feeling. Bottle in hand, Faith then limped her way to the bathroom, peeling the blood-laden clothes off as she went. The JD was done when she set a bare foot on the cool tile floor.

Faith’s head swam as she rested the empty bottle on the sink… that first slow buzz starting to creep across her mind, and she studied herself through the haze. She could hardly recognize the woman staring back at her in the mirror. Faith looked deader than the creatures she hunted. Not that she was really messed up or anything. The few cuts and burses she had sustained to her face would heal in less than a day. No, it was her eyes that scared her.

“Windows to the soul.” Faiths voice cracked over the words. But she told herself it was still better.

She reached out a hand, knuckles still raw, and traced the reflection before her. The girl in the window was crying, clear rivers amongst the blood and grime. Faith hated how weak she looked. That naked vulnerability she never let reach the surface was painted in the tears and pain than ran down her cheeks. At the sight, unexpected rage mixed with the chaos in her mind and before she could stop it the muscles in her arm suddenly tensed.

And the girl was gone, glass raining like bells on the cold hard floor, and Faith’s hand was bleeding anew. She ignored the deep crimson drops staining the clean white tile and turned on the shower as hot as she could stand it. The water stung all the cuts covering her body as it rushed across her skin; Faith relished the sensation.

She wasn’t sure how long she remained under the deluge; the hot water supply seemed endless. She was waiting to feel clean again, waiting for the water to wash away more than the remains of the fight. Faith wanted to get rid of her touch. The feel of those hot gentle fingers sliding over her body seem to be tattooed into her skin… phantom caresses, and Faith hated it… hated that she still wanted it. She wanted to be sure that the rivers streaming down her face were no longer the shameful tears of the girl in the mirror… but the hot water finally gave in with a sputter and shaking of the pipes. So being clean physically would just have to do. Faith reluctantly shut off the shower, dried herself and changed into a loose pair of sweats and a clean tank. She had every intention of crawling into bead and sleeping for at least 24 hours straight. She figured she could start fresh when she was fully recovered. Confront the gang, and Buffy on her terms.

Yep, that was gonna be the plan. But just as the pattern had proven for the night… things weren’t following Faith’s plans.

When she opened the door, the first thing she noticed was that the music was gone. The second thing nearly brought her heart to a complete stop. There, sitting on the floor at the foot of her bed, was the one person Faith was trying so hard to forget. Still dirty, caked with blood, the candles were casting dancing shadows over Buffy’s slight form. She looked so tiny.

“Faith…” Her voice was thin. She sounded tired, and Faith wondered how long she had been waiting. Her legs felt suddenly weak.

“What are you doin’ here?” Faith had to force the steel in her voice. Had to force herself to remain standing by the bathroom door… across the room, when all she wanted to do was crawl over to the other girl. It was like an energy calling to her but she forced herself not to listen. Instead, she focused on Buffy’s reaction, the girl seemed thrown by Faith’s cold response.

What? Did B actually think she was gonna make it easy for her? Like hell! Anger was easier…

“I- I wanted to make sure you were Ok.” Buffy got to her feet as she spoke, taking a couple of steps towards the dark girl. Apparently whatever that pull was, B was feeling it too. She had seen it after the fight in the cemetery… arousal flashing in the light girl’s eyes, but it was something deeper than that something more…

Something Faith knew B wasn’t ready to admit. With that thought Faith’s anger shifted again to dejection… Man she was like a big roller coaster tonight. But could it be better this way? Sticking with what you know keeps you from getting hurt right? It made sense to Faith. But all she knew was being alone… and that hurt all the time.

“Yeah, well, all things considered I’m 5 by 5 B.” At that Buffy just nodded, eyes cast down to the floor. She looked as if she was preparing herself for something. Her eyes were watery pools of green when they finally met Faith’s again.

“I’m sorry.” A whisper that hung in the air.

Faith could have gotten angry at that, could have thrown that fragile apology back in her face… laugh at the audacity of this girl, the one that would have killed her not too long ago had she even tried such a thing. But it looked to Faith that such a reaction was exactly what Buffy was expecting. And as the tears finally overflowed in Buffy’s eyes Faith realized she was just tired of the game.

“You hurt me so bad B…” But she was still shocked by the extent of her own honesty. Where the hell had that come from? But her words seemed to encourage the other girl. The hope was written plainly across Buffy’s face as she took a few more steps across the room, bridging the miles between them.

“I’m sorry… Faith I-I just got-”

“Freaked, yeah I know…” Faith cut her off with a sigh, she had a feeling where this was headed… she didn’t want to hear the hollow excuses.

“And it was all happening so fast…I didn’t know… and the gang just came outta nowhere… but…” Christ why was B here? Couldn’t the ‘let her down easy’ speech come after she had had some sleep. Buffy was in an all out babble fest now and Faith wasn’t even sure what the conversation was about anymore.

“But…I didn’t mean it Faith.” Faith tuned back in, just in time to be thoroughly confused.

“Huh?”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Buffy took her hand as she said it, lacing their fingers together gently. And damn if the blond girl looked like she really meant it. Faith could feel her self getting lost in those eyes all over again.

“Its Ok Buffy.” She said looking away at their joined hands. It was safer.

“No! it’s not! Faith, w-what we… um… did, ya know…” She was blushing now. And Faith could feel yet another babble spree approaching. She wanted to speed this little rejection up… get it all over with, because that pain in her chest was coming back full force… she hoped she had another bottle hidden somewhere.

“B, its cool it doesn’t have to happen agai-”

“…It was… I think that was the most perfect moment in my whole life…”

WHAT?!

“What?!” Faith was pretty sure her eyes must have popped outta her head.

“It was beautiful Fai…” And Faith gasped a the power, the pure emotion in her voice. The words just seemed to pour into her soul, filling that empty space so fast she could hardly catch her breath. Buffy’s voice had become nothing more than a whisper… and when had they gotten so close? The other slayer was now very much in Faith’s personal space. Their bodies nearly touching, she could feel the gentle breaths on her face… smell the sweat and adrenaline from the fight that still laced her skin… It made Faith’s own skin prickle.

“Jesus B… what are ya sayin’ here?” Faith’s own voice felt tight in her throat, it came out in a raspy whisper.

“That I’m asking you to forgive me… if you can… I’ll understand if not, because ya know, the positions are kinda reversed and all… and I-”

Faith cut her off, the best way she knew how. She brought her mouth to the other girls in a warm and gentle brush… She smiled and pulled back when B’s eyes went wide.

“ummm?! Th-that was..” The squeak in the blond girls voice was beyond adorable.

“Its Ok B, you don’t have to apologize to me.” Faith couldn’t resist brushing a dirty blond piece of hair from the other girls eyes… and her hand lingered, caressing her cheek her thumb brushing over a cut on that pouty bottom lip. And she felt like her heart was breaking when Buffy turned her head and kissed her palm.

“I do Faith… I need you to know…” Buffy’s hands came up then…sinking into Faith’s still damp tresses. She pressed their foreheads together

“But I do B…” They were speaking so softly and Faith said it with a grin, as she felt Buffy’s mouth linger over her own once again… It was a longer kiss but no less gentle than the last. Faith felt the other girls head move in her hands, she was shaking her head ‘no’.

“You don’t know, ‘cause I didn’t say it back…” And Faith’s heart was suddenly pounding in her chest. She gasped as the Buffy’s mouth slid against her own again… more insistent, warmer. She felt her tongue slipping over her bottom lip, asking. Their bodies were suddenly pressed together so tightly… the heat of it washing over them both.

“I wanted you… I still want you.” Buffy mumbled into her mouth and Faith moaned at the feel of her words.

“B…I-I know…Shhh” Faith wasn’t sure if she could stand to hear it… she had never let herself hope. She pressed her mouth harder against the kiss. Sliding her tongue around the other girl’s, sucking that tender bottom lip. She felt Buffy’s hands raking over her back, down to hold firmly to her hips, pulling her even closer. Faith didn’t want her to talk, didn’t want her to say the words she realized she feared more than the hate, more than the rejection.

“Oh god…” Faith couldn’t stop the rasping moan as Buffy’s mouth finally broke away to trail a hot path down her neck. It was slow, deliberate and so tender Faith felt as though she was coming apart.

“need you… Faith I need you” Buffy was whispering it again and again the words felt hot on her skin, like she was begging, praying… And Faith couldn’t stop the tremors running though her.

“I know... B please… you don’t gotta-” Faith could see her hands shaking as they cupped around Buffy’s face…she pulled away slightly, but the intensity of those green eyes kept her only inches away. It was like the whole world had come to a stop.

“Faith… I love you”

TBC
Hmmm… not too sure about this, but it had to be done. Let me know. Be honest… I can take it!