Days Like These Keep Me Warm

Hello once again, thanks for the reviews, feedback on grammar and formatting is always welcomed. I try my best with it but sometimes don't get the chance to check through it a million times like I would like to. I will admit the last chapter was a little rushed but I hope this makes up for it. I am currently going through the other chapters and changing the mistakes, as well as spacing the thoughts out to make it seem clearer. I would use italics but I can never seem to make it work on this site. As I've said before the past of William and Buffy will be revealed as the story progresses, and of course they will meet up again, I'm cruel but not that cruel. And for some reason I've decided to start naming the chapters, they are named after Black Rebel Motorcycle Club lyrics.

So enjoy and review or feedback at outforawalkbitchuk@yahoo.com

I write this just as I have finished watching the last ever Buffy, this has made me an emotional wreck * Sobs loudly and runs away to hide in a cave and forever mourn the lost of the show *

Luv Louise

Chapter Five: Now she's gone love burns inside me

The sound of the door slamming loudly had alerted William to the fact that something was wrong. He had been in a deep sleep when it had caused him to open his eyes suddenly. It was ou hab habit that he did this of course, because he couldn't see anything other than that fuzzy blackness that he wish he could shake off like a bout of flu but he knew despite what people reassured him, he would never regain his sight. He was still disoriented from his dreaming and decided he must have imagined the door shutting because as far as he was aware he was alone in his flat, as he always was.

"Unless Strummer has gone and taken himself for a walk" he joked mumbling into his pillow as he turned on his side again and attempted to fall straight back to the wonders of sleep. He could vaguely remember what he had been dreaming; it didn't seem to make sense at all. That girl he met yesterday, Buffy he had dreamt she had come round to visit him and that he had asked her to stay and to William it seemed very real, especially the part when she had taken his hand in hers.

//I must be losing it, she wouldn't have come round, I don't even know her, right? I'm sure I met her again, I swear, fuck it, I need to go back to sleep, I need to stop being a bloody stupid pillock// he conceded.

Still the realisation of the night before hadn't sunk in, dreams after all are often merged with memory, and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. This was especially the case with William, his life had changed so much since his accident, the blindness, the claustrophobia, the depression and the inability to determine what was real, what was make believe also hindered him. Sometimes he dreamt of seeing her again, of the woman who had left him in pain, who had caused his suffering and she looked beautiful and she told him how sorry she was and she held him in her arms, playing lightly with his hair. In these dreams he wasn't blind, in this perfect world he could see her smile, so wicked and full of mischief at times, when he used to wake from these images of her seducing him, of her fingers running over his lithe naked body, for the first few minutes he deluded himself into thinking they were real. He became loathed to open his eyes because he knew deep down when he did he would see nothing.

So these dreams that merged past memories, with wild fantasies and a hint of reality, he endured them almost every night, the one about Buffy telling him she understood why he felt so lonely, that he was this big charade and she knew what it was like to live like that, William he was still convince it didn't happen. It was only the faint sound of the washing machine spinning around and around, that began to inform him that maybe she did stay the night, that he might not have imagined the door slamming

He sat himself up in his double bed and moved his hands slowly towards his face, his face felt slightly swollen and as his mind fully awoke the flashback hit him of falling down on the ground and struggling to his feet only for someone to start shouting his name ' William, William, William are you alright?'

//Fucking hell she was here// he suddenly could remember everything about that night, how confused things were for him. Could he trust her? Did he want to? Why had he asked her to stay just like that? Why she was helping him? The whole confessing his deep dark depression to her.

William without any concern about his safety jumped out of his bed and began to stumble around his room, dressed in only his black boxer shorts. He was doing it in an act of panic and need to find Buffy so he could talk to her, touch her and make sure he hadn't imagined that they had met again. Usually he took his time when getting himself out of bed, but now he kept bashing into the bedside cabinet as he found himself turning around in circles.

"Is anyone there? Buffy?" he shouted as loud as he could as he fumbled his way towards the door and out into the living room. He knew that she had been here, but also the place now lacked the sensation he got when other people were there. He was getting himself into a state continually repeating her name because he had to hold into the small hope that she hadn't run away from him.

//I came on to strong, she probably thinks I wanted to screw her, take advantage, I didn't, I just liked her company, fuck I really wanted her to be here now, I wanted to have breakfast with her, I wanted to walk her home, I might have tried to kiss her, I wanted to trust her, I was ready to trust her//

He shook his head and bounded across the room, almost tripping up on several occasions on edges of rugs or bits and pieces of rubbish he hadn't cleaned up. His head had cleared completely of the foggy dream that had clouded his memories, he knew he had spoken to her, he knew they had connected, that he had begged her to stay and she had, what he didn't get was why she was gone now.

//I really wasn't too strong, in fact I was a bit hostile at times, maybe that's it, maybe she thinks I will regret my invitation, yeah it has to be it, she just got confused, must be that, please be that, fuck she hates me I know it, she hates me//

He managed to sit himself down on the sofa, resting his hand on his chin and attempting to calm down. A friendly figure came up to him and sniffed his hand before licking William's bare knee.

"Strummer, there you are" William stated downheartedly as he petted the dog,
"Was Buffy here, fuck she did stay?" he asked, gaining no reply from his companion. His hope had faded completely but he managed to call out his words, praying she was still around

"I remember, love pet, are you here, Buffy?" No response, he brought his knees up to his chest and curled up into a ball on the sofa, resting his head on a cushion. "You didn't have to go, why did you go?" he mumbled helplessly.

******
A day he had spent, the whole of Sunday laying there in a forming depression, not getting up to eat or get changed, not even to answer the phone, thinking of only one thing, Buffy. Where was she? Would he met her again? Why had she left? He thought about this a lot, and like he had conceded previously, she obviously hated him and that would explain everything.

He began to convince himself he knew why she would desert him, he thought of himself as a self obsessed person, even if in reality he cared for his friends and family so deeply that he hid his true pain from them so they wouldn't have to suffer. He considered that he was unattractive, that the last person who called him beautiful had left him in the state he was in, had fucked off and gone because obviously he decided, he was ugly, his ex girlfriend had used him, she probably thought of someone else when they were together. And then he decided he must be a horrible, boring person, that all he did when with Buffy was to go on and on about how depressed he was. It was no wonder, he concluded that she hadn't been there the next morning, he thought she was probably at home with her friends laughing at him. Of course he didn't know the reality that for the whole of Sunday she had sat in the ruins of the local castle crying her eyes out over William, over how stupid she was for loving him.

Despite all of his feelings that she hated him, it still didn't deter William from his attempts to find her again, if anything he wanted a proper explanation for why she had left, he wanted to know if she truly did hate him, why the hell had she helped him out by washing the spare sheets and the t-shirt he had loaned her?. That little fact had grated at him because it didn't fit in with his whole 'she hates my guts' theory he had been conceiving and putting in action since Sunday morning. He also thought that she wouldn't have stayed the night if she hated him. This rational idea floated in and out of his degrading thoughts about himself, sometimes it gave him hope that he would see her again, that she did like him but sometimes all it did was fuel his angry for himself. How could he possibly think she would be attractive to him, he was a piece of shit, she had a future, he didn't, he felt sick at his stupid belief that one day she would be happy to see him.

The next morning had brought with it a new optimism, he had woken up with aches and cramps from where he had slept on the sofa, he felt like shit and looked like he needed to shower and put some proper clothes on. Yet that Sunday night and early Monday morning he had dreamt of her, of Buffy and it was a memory of something she had said to him. 'Your so kind and loving and you may have this charade but its for the good of your friends and William I hope somehow you get over whatever is making you depressed' she had told him. It was the kind and loving bit that he held onto, she wouldn't haven't said it if she despised him, he had decided.

So he had sorted himself out, he had made himself presentable and he had gone down stairs smiling away so he could speak to Rupert. Even after finding out Buffy hadn't come in to hand her application form in, William tried not to let this damper his spirits, instead he thought about everything logically, something he had lost on Sunday through the confusion and pain of Buffy not being there. He may not know where she lived but he knew what she studied.

Now he stood in the English and History building of the university, after realising it was a weekday and she would have lectures. He had managed to see his old Professor, George Jones who had taught him creative writing, William hadn't asked about Buffy because he didn't want to be seen as stalking the girl, instead he had casually in his charming way enquired about the modules that took place on a Monday afternoon and had narrowed down where he thought she would be, in lecture theatre A12, enjoying the delights of Contemporary American Literature. He had been proud of himself for working out where she would be, after all if she studied creative writing it meant she was a second year and that the Contemporary American Literature module was compulsory for all second year English students.

//I am getting fixated by this girl, what is she going to do when she sees me, if she does anything at all, I can't say I was just walking by, fuck I haven't thought this through, she might bloody well accuse me of harassment//

These kind of thoughts had been racing through his head since had he been stood outside the room with an ever faithful Strummer by his side, he gripped onto the lead tightly out of nerves.

//She will just run a mile when she sees me, this is a bad idea, I'm nothing to her, she hates me, but she called me kind and loving and she helped me out, fuck, fuck, my life is too complicated//

William growled in frustration and seriously thought of leaving before he made a fool out of himself but before he had a chance the bell had rang, the lecture was over and soon a stream of students began to rush past him, some obviously taking no notice that he had a guide dog and was therefore blind.

He randomly grabbed out at an arm, trying to gain the attention of someone "Excuse me have you seen a Buffy Summers?"

"Sorry I'm late for my next lecture" The startled girl replied, tugging her arm away from his grip and running off.

"Thanks a bunch" William muttered, he knew people were busy but a little respect would be nice, all he was trying to do was find someone, this one girl he prayed would talk to him. He tried his approach again and placed his hand on someone's shoulder "Hiya do you know a Buffy summers?"

"Buffy who?" the male lazily responded "Never heard of her" he brushed aside William like the girl had done and continued his walk.

William found himself leaning against the wall and sighing in disappointment, he thought that maybe his clever deductions hadn't been so smart after all, but he had been a hundred per cent sure Buffy would be in that class. Moments seemed to tick by rapidly.

//If she had been there, she must have taken one look at me and turned the other way, or, she could be ill, yeah ill. I am deluding myself//

"William" A voice called. He didn't have to be able to see to know who it belonged to and within seconds he felt her comforting hand on his wrist, he could tell she was smiling she always did.

"Tara" he grinned back as she gently hugged him and then stroked Strummer's muzzle tenderly before returning to William's level again and taking his arm in hers

"What are you doing here?" she exclaimed

"Thought I come and visit the place again" William tried to explain, she didn't say anything and he knew she was unconvinced. Tara was one of his closest friends, though she never said it to him, he knew out of all of them she probably had figured out who he truly was, that he hid behind his smiles and jokes. In many ways William could see the similarities between his friend and the woman he searched for "Hmm, I'm looking for someone, only kinda hard to see"

"Who is she?" Tara asked, walking with William closer to the door of the lecture theatre

"Buffy summers, you heard of her?" He doubted Tara did and he didn't even try to hide that it was a girl he was looking for; Tara could read people like an open book. He felt like he was blushing, he never used to be this weak and hopelessly lost when it came woman, in fact even though he had been smitten with his ex, he had asked her out without hesitation and she had been quite amused by his confidence, but that had been before his life altering change and the ability to express his emotions hadn't been forthcoming for William these days.

"Nope" She remarked looking into the room for signs of any life "William, everyone has left"

"She takes English, she should be in this class" He mumbled and slumped his shoulders in defeat "Fuck it" he finally loosened his grip on Strummer's lead, he didn't have to be nervous now because his little brilliant plan had failed.

Tara noticed his slight distress and spoke to him softly "Do you wanna go for a coffee, my treat?"

"You don't have to take sympathy on poor old William" He sulked, he just wanted to go back to his flat and curl up on his sofa again, repeating the events of Sunday, making his depression worse and thinking of new ways to deride himself for being so stupid.

"Its not sympathy, Willow isn't finished until three and I need company, so come on" Tara ordered dragging her friend along the corridor and towards the exit

"Ever get the feeling people are trying to avoid you, and you, well you wished you knew why but you don't?" He queried, he knew Tara wouldn't allow him wallow in self pity, though she was incredibly quiet in front of strangers when it came to her friends she opened up to them and she made them speak to her about things.

"Why would anyone want to avoid you?" Tara said bemused as she William and Strummer walked out of the building and into the sunny spring afternoon.


***
They had been sitting on the beach, by the small café for the last ten minutes. William had explained to Tara why he left early on Saturday, when he should've stayed and celebrated her gig with the others, he left out the true reasons of bad trips down memory lane and claustrophobia, instead blaming it on too much drink making him ill. He also didn't tell her that he had fallen over on his way home because that would no doubt make his friends think he was incapable of anything. Also he had to make up some stupid excuse up tripping up in his living room to cover up his bruises and swelling. He didn't like to lie to them especially as someone like Tara was a genuine person with only good intentions but trying to tell them how fucked up he felt was too hard for William to articulate. His wish not to reveal the extent of his issues and melancholy wouldn't be able to hold out this afternoon because Tara had just asked about Buffy. He shifted on the stony beach and pretended that he hadn't heard her question, but Tara had placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Who is she?" Tara repeated her statement.

"I don't know, I'm not sure, I wanted to see her, well meet her again to find out" William responded muttering his words.

"I could find out where she lives for you, you know Willow and her computer skills she could track Buffy down in seconds " Tara enthused "It really wouldn't take long"

"Don't, its, well its not very healthy stalking someone" He answered, bowing his head in a kind of shame, this situation was ironic though of course he didn't know it. He was frightened of coming across as a stalker the same guilt and fear that had plagued Buffy since she started following him around "Love can you get me another coffee?" He asked, hoping that by distracting Tara for a few minutes by the time she came back the topic of conversation would've changed.

"Sure" she stated getting up and brushing bits of sand and small pebbles away as she climbed up onto the promenade and walked over to the café as William sat doing what he always did these days, pondering his life.

It went beyond just Buffy, the problems he was having with her where only the start of his complex life. He found himself thinking about all the plans he had when he left university, writer, musician, travelling the world, getting married to her and all that had changed because she had he guessed.

//Maybe she always used me, maybe all she wanted me for was a joke, for sex, she certainly didn't care when she left me, hit me on the fucking head with a crowbar//

He couldn't even bare to think her name, let alone utter it, it ingrained in his memory and always would, the woman he loved, the woman he hated, the woman who seemed to stop him even now from taking decisive action when it came to Buffy

"Drusilla" he mumbled and instantly grimaced, he had let her enter his thoughts and take control if only for a few seconds "Fuck it"

"Are you okay?" Tara commented as she sat back down and handed William's his mug. He didn't respond verbally, merely shrugging his shoulders "I was thinking about Buffy when I was getting our drinks"

"Tara don't" he warned, he really didn't want her to get Willow involved, even if he found her address out he wouldn't go round.

"Do you have any idea what Buffy looks like?" She continued her questioning looking every so often to a bench on the promenade.

"No, well she's pretty short I guess" He answered, remembering when he had first met her and had placed his hands on her arms, she had been definitely shorter than him "Why?"

"Would 5 foot 2, blonde hair down to her shoulders, and I guess a scruffy alternative look be her style?" Tara quizzed.

"Tara what are you talking about?" William snapped, why was she torturing him over made up images of a girl he had been trying to figure out all weekend and why wouldn't she leave the subject alone, usually Tara got the hint.

Tara placed her drink down and did the same to William's as she leaned in and whispered into his ear "Someone's watching us, staring at you, it could be Buffy"

"It won't be, it really won't be" William conceded sadly, why would anyone be watching him, especially Buffy, but curiosity led him to his next question "Is she pretty?

"She's beautiful" Tara smiled looking again at the girl who sat on the bench pretending she wasn't watching them "She dressed pretty scruffy but I think underneath all that she's good-looking. William I'm inviting her over" she decided.

"What!" William shouted "Oh no, it might not be her!" he was terrified in case it was and then what was he going to do, ask if she hated him?

"Even if it's not this girl is perfect for you" Were Tara's last words before she left her friend's side again and wandered over to the girl who watched her.

William sat in silence, his nerves were reaching breaking point. What was he going to do? What the hell was he meant to say? What if it wasn't Buffy, what if it was?

//What if she takes one look at me and runs a mile?//

He heard the sounds of footsteps come nearer and Strummer, who had been pretty quiet for most of the afternoon had got up and greeted Tara and her guest. It was Buffy, he could tell somehow, he didn't really understand other than the fact that the person felt familiar.

Tara helped him up from the ground and brought him in for another hug "She has striking green eyes and she can't stop staring at you" she smiled leaving the pair

"Buffy?" he asked, just wanting to make sure it really was her.

"Hiya your friend, erm she invited me over, but I, I should really be... going" Buffy stammered, tapping her foot nervously on the ground.

"Do you have to?" he responded quickly, waiting for her reply.

TBC>>>

** Yes I am evil leaving the chapter there, but as I promised they have met again. What will happen with Buffy and William? Will she confess her true past to him and will he tell her his feelings? Oh the excitement is too much, I will update again next week **