Starting Over Again

hey, i know i haven't updated for a while, i apologize. the reason for why it took so long was although i knew exactly what it was gonna be like i had trouble putting it all on paper. i promise that the next update wont take as long. enjoy.

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As soon as Buffy walked into Faith’s apartment all of her memories flooded back straight away. The last time she was here it wasn't to get to know the real Faith, it was just to pack up everything, Buffy had blocked out her emotions then. This time she couldn't ignore what she was feeling.


***Flashback***

Buffy walks into the apartment with Faith’s knife in her waistband. Buffy turns off Faith’s music. Faith notices and slowly turns around to see who it is. “Thought I'd stop by.” She smiles and turns around completely, “Is he dead yet?”

“He's not gonna die. It was a good try, though. Your plan?” Faith slowly gets off of her bed and takes a few steps closer towards Buffy. “Uh-huh. The Mayor got me the poison. Said it was wicked painful.” Buffy isn’t amused or impressed at all, “There's a cure.” Faith still smiling, “Damn. What is it?”

“Your blood,” realization washes over Faith’s face, “As justice goes, it's not un-poetic, don't you think?”

“Come to get me?” she slowly starts to advance towards Buffy, “you gonna feed me to Angel?” Stops walking, “you know you're not going to take me alive.”
Buffy’s face expression is still the same as all night, not showing any emotion, “Not a problem.”

“Well, look at you. All dressed up in big sister's clothes.” Buffy unfolds her arms and slowly walks towards Faith, “You told me I was just like you,” they circle and approach each other slowly, “that I was holding it in.”

They stand still face to face. Faith takes one more step closer to Buffy challenging her, “Ready to cut loose?” Buffy accepts it knowing that it is what has to be done, “try me.” “Okay then. Give us a kiss.” Buffy pulls out the first punch making Faith loose her balance which she regains quickly.

***End Flashback***

‘Come on Buffy, if you’re gonna be thinking about that this whole time there was no point in coming here. Pull yourself together and get past it!’ But how did one get past almost killing a person you cared about?

Everything still looked the same as it did last time, the only difference now was the yellow police tape and no Faith lying on the bed. The window was still broken but had at least been covered with a thin wooden board.

Buffy advanced towards the bed, the comic book Faith had been reading that night was still there ‘X-men’ Buffy read when she saw the cover. She hadn't seen this last time so hadn't put it into any of the boxes. ‘Right, I’m here to get to know Faith. What do I look for?’

She walked towards a cupboard, bent down and opened it, ‘Whatever I’m looking for, it isn’t gonna be in here seeing as it is completely empty.’ She opened a cupboard door next to it, it was empty too except for one shoe box which was hidden all the way it the bottom left corner.

Buffy got it out and took of the lid. What she found was something she hadn’t expected at all. There were only pictures in there, loads of pictures from research parties in the library, the canteen, the whole gang on a day out.

As Buffy looked at all the pictures she slowly started to notice something which was always the same. Faith was always on the side, alone. On one there was a picture of the whole group when Faith had just gotten into town, they had gone to some fair not too far out of Sunnydale. A guy taking pictures took a picture of the four of them only it wasn’t actually the four of them. Buffy, Willow and Xander where all smiling happily and had put their arms around each other. Faith though was on the side, no contact with ‘their little group’ and not smiling.

Buffy had completely forgotten about that day and couldn’t believe that they had acted that way. Faith had been happy earlier that day when they first got there, but later on Faith had acted a bit weird, really distant and she seemed sad. Now Buffy got why, they completely ignored her when it had been important to her. ‘She probably thought that we didn’t want her there or something, I don’t actually blame her for thinking that. It looked like we didn’t wanna be friends with her.’ She put the picture on the pile of photo’s she’d looked at already.

An other thing that Buffy slowly noticed was that the pictures without Faith (which she’d obviously taken then) had been mostly focused on Buffy. Willow and Xander were usually in a blur while Buffy was very clear.

There were no pictures of Angel or Giles. The only picture with anyone older was with Joyce, taken on Christmas when Buffy had to leave to save Angel. Faith looked so happy on that picture, the first genuine smile Buffy had seen on any of the pictures there.

As Buffy continued looking through the pictures (she was surprised by how many there actually were) she saw that many of them had been taken when no one was looking, whenever they were busy with something, researching, homework, just talking to each other. They looked so happy. Faith somehow really knew how to work a camera because no matter what the light was like, or the mood, she got Buffy to look beautiful, full of emotion and literally glowing.

Once Buffy was finished one thing was obvious, Faith had cared a lot about them, probably more about Buffy but she’d cared and they’d treated her like shit. Like she wasn’t a part of the gang, just an extra slayer for when things got rough or when Angel wasn’t available.

She decided to take that box with her home already and placed it on the bed to make sure she didn’t forget. She got up and stretched her legs which had started to hurt after sitting so long.

Next up was Faith’s CD collection. Buffy walked to the stereo system and opened the door which was under it. There where barely any CD’s there, with all the money the mayor had Buffy thought that Faith would have used it. This just proved how little she actually knew about Faith…

One of the CD’s which Buffy found was from Enya, it was the same one Buffy had. Angel had given it to her so that she could use that when she was meditating or doing Tai Chi. Once when Faith and Buffy had done that together and put the CD on Faith had laughed at Buffy, calling it crap and that the beat was too soft and way too slow. Buffy smiled to herself as she thought that Faith had actually enjoyed that afternoon but frowned when she realised she hadn’t been able to see through that lie.

She tossed it onto the bed next to the shoe box without looking up as she used her other hand to take the next CD, it was from Nine Inch Nails so she tossed that towards the previous one.

The last CD Buffy found was a mixed CD Faith had made herself. It didn’t say what band it was or any names of the songs on the back. Buffy opened the case, the first thing she noticed was an other picture. It had been taken a day when Faith and Buffy had been hanging together without the gang. They had gone to a lake a couple of miles out of Sunnydale, how Faith had known about the place was a mystery to Buffy. They had swam there and sparred a bit. It had been great, they’d gotten some guy to take a picture of them together.

Faith had different that day, she’d been at peace, wasn’t showing off (too much anyway) and she didn’t have that tough demeanour going on. When they got back to Sunnydale her walls went up again.

Buffy put the picture on the ground next to her on the ground and was about to put on the CD when she realised that they'd already packed it up. Luckily she had her discman on her instead of the mp3. She looked through the play list as soon as the first song started. As she read all the titles she realised that all of the songs, except for the last two, were by Linkin Park. The last two songs on the list surprised Buffy, one was from Natasha Bedingfield [These Words] and the other was by Nelly Furtado [Saturdays]

She would listen to these songs later on because as she listened to the song one part of the lyrics stood out more than the others, “Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is I can’t add up to what you can”, she remembered Faith saying that everybody asked her to be more like Buffy when Faith thought that Angel was turned into Angelus.

The song finished and a new one started, Buffy vaguely knew this one and decided to listen to the lyrics more intently, she had a feeling that these songs were about how Faith had felt.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be/Feeling so faithless/Lost under the surface/I don't know what you're expecting of me/Put under the pressure/Of walking in your shoes/[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]/Every step that I take is another mistake to you/
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you/
Can't you see that you're smothering me/Holding too tightly/Afraid to lose control/'Cause everything that you thought I would be/Has fallen apart right in front of you/[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
Every step that I take is/Another mistake to you/[Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow]
And every second I waste/Is more than I can take/
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
And I know
I may end up failing too/But I know/You were just like me/With someone disappointed in you/
I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you
I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
[I’m tired of being what you want me to be]
I’ve become so numb
I can’t feel you there
[I’m tired of being what you want me to be]

As the song finished Buffy was crying silently, Faith had been feeling like this. Buffy was sure that the rest of the CD would be like this as well so turned it off to take it home and listen to it there instead. She put the picture back into the case as well. She then got up and walked towards the bed to get the other pictures and CD’s.

She looked at the board put up in front of the broken window.

***Flashback***
Faith breaks the handcuffs so Buffy rolls out of the way, as she does she pulls out Faith’s knife, “that’s mine!” Buffy looks into Faith’s eyes, “You’re about to get it back.” They exchange a couple of blows, Faith dodges the knife.

They move to the edge of the balcony and Faith holds Buffy there. “Man, I’m going to miss this.” Buffy breaks Faith’s grip and plunges the knife into Faith’s gut. Both of them looked stunned, first at the knife and then at each other. Faith smiles weakly, “you did it,” she pushes Buffy away from her, “you killed me.”

Faith climbs onto the low wall at the edge of the balcony and looks down. “Still won’t help you boy, though. Shoulda been there, B, quite a ride.” Faith drops herself backwards off the wall and lands on the back of a moving truck. Buffy still sits on the ground in shock.

***End Flashback***

Buffy shook off the guilt she was feeling and put Faith’s things in a small plastic bag, she dried her tears with the end of her sleeve and opened the door. With one last look into the apartment she closed the door. Leaving what was in the past behind her, and feeling more determent than before to make it work with Faith once she woke up.

TBC…


NA: i wanted to add the picture of that Buffy found in the cd case but apparently that wasn't possible, if you wanna know what it looks like [which i highly doubt] let me know and i'll send it to ur e mail or something