Crimson Regret

[ -- Chapter 5 -- ]

I woke up and stretched, feeling incredibly better. *Better? Oh fuck! That means I'm gonna have to see Buffy today. I am not ready for that at all. I don’t think I'll be able to handle the untrustful looks and evil glares. Snide remarks and cursing my name. I can make B out to be whatever I want in my head, and as much as it would hurt me, I think I'd be better if I never saw her again. Seeing her will probably kill me because then I'll truly realize I will never have a chance with her.

*Maybe I can pretend I'm still in pain and in die need to stay home. Yeah right, Angel will see right threw that, and if not him, Cordelia.* I sigh and sit up, brushing my long wavy brown locks out of my eyes, "Today's gonna suck."

I wondered what I was gonna say to her, last time she threatened to beat me to death if I ever apologized to her. But I feel like I need to. I am just so sorry for everything I've ever done to her. I want to make it up t her, but what could I ever do that makes up for fucking up her life? Its so screwed how I did this to the only woman I have ever cared about.

At first it was jealousy. The whole 'look at me instead of Angel' thing. Then… I don’t know, shit went down and I became a raving psychotic. I wish I could turn back time and start over, or do something right for once. But I just don’t know how.

I make my way downstairs to be greeted by Cordelia, "hey, how are you feeling?" She sat down on the chair and poured me a cup of coffee.

"Like shit," I reply.

"Your ribs still bothering you?" She asked, concerned.

"My thoughts are bothering me," I grumbled and took a sip of coffee.

"Got Buffy on the brain?"

I nod and stay silent for awhile until, "Fuck Cordy I really don’t know what to do! Maybe I just shouldn’t go."

"Faith you've got to go, that is if you want Buffy to live." She sat on the chair opposite of me.

"I hate ultimatums!"

"Well it’s the truth," she said honestly.

"Well I hate it," I mumble into my cup of coffee.

"Faith do you really love Buffy?"

"L-Love? I didn’t say anything about love to you," I say nervously, unconsciously shrinking away from her.

"You didn’t have to say it," Cordelia said and smiled.

"Okay, yeah I really do. If you -must- know." I feel a slight blush rising to my face, coloring my cheeks.

"Then you know you have to help her. Come on Faith, not going isn't even an option to you. I knnd ynd you know that you can sit here and weigh the pros and cons but in the end you're still going to go." She paused, "And give me a sip of your coffee."

I pull the cup away, "Make your own!" I give her a wicked grin then hand the cup over. "And you're probably right. Fuck! I hate that you're always right."

I sigh, "Cordy will you… um, you know, come with me? When I go?" I would never admit it, but I needed help.

She smiled warmly, "Sure honey." She said it in such a way that if I didn’t know any better I'd figure she'd have a little crush on me. But she knows how I feel about Buffy so I doubt it. Actually no, there's that look. Damn. But its just a crush, she'll get over it when it clicks in her head that I'm a murderer.

I sip my coffee and smile, "Thanks."

Angel walked into the kitchen, "Faith are you ready?"

"I just woke up but sure dead boy, I'm good. Cordy's gonna take the trip with us." I get up and put my empty cup in the sink, completely dreading this afternoon.

**********

A few hours later we pulled up to the Magic Box, Giles' store. My heart was pounding in my throat and I was pretty sure I was going to puke. *I cant handle this, oh god I cant, I cant!*

"I cant do this," I say, practically hiding being Cordelia.

"Yes you can Faith, come on. " Cordelia got out of the car and took my hand.

"No, no. I'm pretty sure I cant. I'll get rips to fucking shreds if I go in there!" But I do get out of the car.

Cordelia didn’t let go of my hand as her and Angel led me to the door of the Magic Box. I took several deep breaths, trying to reassure myself that it wouldn’t be -too- bad.

I turn the doorknob and walk in with Cordelia, leaving Angel outside. I was faced with six hard faces. Well actually, now that I'm paying attention, only four. Buffy of course, Willow Xander, and some blonde chick, I think her name is Anya? Angel told me about her, she's an ex-vengeance demon, kind of weird. There was another girl I didn’t know, I think it was Willow's being gay hit me like a pile of bricks, I never would have guessed. Then there was Giles, who decided to speak first.

"Faith… welcome." He stepped forward.

I step away on instinct and hid behind Cordelia again. I was probably a fucking hilarious site to them, the once confident Faith is now hiding behind an ex-cheerleader. But I was petrified, and I wish I could at least muster up some -fake- courage.

"Hi…" I say in a small voice, looking down to avoid eye contact.

There was silence for awhile and I still was practically hiding. Cordelia whispered, "Come on Faith, do something. Have courage, you can do this. You're strong." I shake my head now. I felt like I was going to cry. Fuck I'm so pathetic!

Willows girlfriend came up to me and held out her hand fo to to shake, "hi I'm Tara."

I try to steady my shaking hand as I slowly took hers and shook it, "Faith."

"How was your trip?" She asked, and actually sounded like she cared.

"I was tired, slept mostly the whole way but for the most part…" I sigh, "Nerve-wracking as hell."

"Good." Buffy said, not even trying to hide the anger and hurt in her voice.

I turn to face her and look at her sadly, "Buffy."

"Faith."

TBC....