Healing

Part 6

When Xander woke for work the next morning he slipped quietly from the bedroom after gathering some clothes. He didn't want to wake Spike, he seemed like he needed the sleep. Although he hadn't been woken by the blond last night, he knew that Spike hadn't slept well. It would take time, lots of time, before he would be able to move past this. Xander remembered how lost he was after Jesse had died, before he took that road trip after high school. He learned a lot that summer, and even if he never made it any further than Oxnard he wouldn't change it for anything.

As Xander got ready to leave for work he thought about that distant summer, about stripping at 'The Fabulous Ladies Club' and of meeting Nicky - one of the other dancers. He wished he had kept in touch with him, he'd meant to but slaying and working had occupied so much of his time, and then there was Anya. Maybe it was better this way, Nicky didn't need to be dragged into the world of vampires, demons and slayers. Oh my. Snagging a package of pop-tarts Xander left his apartment for a full day of heavy labour. He loved that his job kept him in such good shape.

Spike slept until almost 4:30 that afternoon. When he woke up he was alone and disoriented. It took him a few minutes to realize that it was Monday and therefore Xander would have left to go to work that morning. Spike got up and stumbled out to the kitchen to heat some blood and make coffee.

After devouring his liquid breakfast, Spike wandered around the apartment looking for something to occupy himself with. Passions was on earlier in the day and he had missed it, and he thought of most daytime TV as trash. He spied a couple photo albums on the book shelf and pulled them down.

Sitting on the couch, Spike opened one of them and began to look through the pictures. There were a lot of pictures of Willow, Xander and another boy, he assumed was Jesse by the 'W,J,&X' written on the back of one of them. Also in there were pictures of the slayer, dog-boy and the watcher. There were no pictures at all of Xander's parents, no big surprise. He laughed at the picture of the old high school, freshly blown-up, chunks of demon-snake flesh everywhere, and in the forefront a wickedly grinning younger Xander. The boy looked truly happy, but then again he'd just helped save the town from an evil demon Mayor and got to blow up his school at the same time.

The next book Spike opened had an envelope tucked inside of it that fell out when he picked it up. He set it on the couch beside him and turned back to the book. There were pictures of Xander somewhere away from Sunnydale. Spike didn't know where they were taken but it was obvious from the background that the boy was away from home. That and the fact that none of the people in the photos looked at all familiar. There were a few of a nice looking red-haired boy with his arm around Xander, they were both smiling and hamming it up for the camera. As Spike turned the pages he found more recent photos, ones of Xander and Anya before she broke up with him, ones of the whole lot of the Scoobies, some of Buffy and Riley, and there were even some with him in them. Not that vampires showed up on film mind you, but the 'Kiss the Librarian' mug and the box of Wheet-a-bix weren't floating in mid air no matter how much it looked they were. He was surprised that Xander had kept the pictures, seeing as he was the only one 'in' them. Spike was still looking at the pictures when Xander came home.

"Hey pet, good day at work?"

"The usual. Pulled my back earlier this afternoon so I was relegated to paper work the last two hours."

"Hmm."

"Hey, my photo albums. I haven't looked at these in a while."

"Sorry pet, got bored didn't figure you'd mind."

"Nope. Nothing too embarrassing in those..."

Xander noticed the envelope sitting on the sofa beside Spike and blushed hard. He hoped that Spike hadn't looked inside it.

Spike noticed Xander’s heart rate increase and he could smell the embarrassment and slight arousal rolling off the boy. He looked up and saw that Xander’s eyes were fixated on the envelope beside him.

"Ah, the embarrassing stuff must be in here then eh?"

"So...you haven't looked in it?"

"No, why you don't want me to?"

"Um, more like you don't want to see what's in those pictures, or rather, what's not in those pictures."

"Xan, pet, that made no bloody sense at all."

Xander picked up the envelope and held it in his fingers. He sat beside Spike and looked at the book in his lap.

"Did you see the pictures from the summer I went away"

"Yeah, lots of piccies of you and some other blokes, mostly some red-haired fellow. Why?"

"That was the summer right after high school. I went on a road trip."

"Really? Where you go to?"

"Not far. My car broke down in the next county, I spent the entire summer in Oxnard."

"That... sucks. I guess."

"Wasn't so bad. Actually it was good, really good."

"Those guys friends then?"

"I met them at work. I took a job to earn enough money to get the car fixed."

"And this is embarrassing how?"

"I worked at a strip club."

"You... you mean to tell me? You're a bloody stripper?"

"Was. Not anymore. Just that summer, and once last year... I needed the extra cash."

"So those are piccies of you in costume then?"

"Some, some not so in costume. And there not all of me."

"Nudies? Of you and your work mates?"

"Just me... and Nicky."

"Nicky?"

"The red-head."

"Your friend."

"My lover."

Spike fell silent and Xander held his breath. He had never told anyone about Nicky before. Buffy would have treated him like a freak, look how well she handled Willow and Tara, and Willow and him just weren't that close anymore. He had come back from Oxnard a different person but within a week of being home he realized his friends would never accept the changes in him so he put on his 'goofy Xander' mask every time he saw them and played the part they expected from him.

Spike was stunned into silence by Xander's revelation. He hadn't expected to hear that the boy had been a stripper, let alone that he had a male lover. How could he? After what had been done to him?

"How? I mean... you were... hurt before. How could you let someone do that willingly? Or did you do it to him? Did you hurt him? Xander, I'm confused."

"I know. I was too, Nicky was a friend. Things just got more involved than that, when I figured out what was happening I panicked. I never told him about it, the rapes, but he knew. He figured it out, I guess it was kinda obvious. He took things slow, showed me that it didn't have to be like that. That it could be good, amazing. I loved him. He taught me how sex with another man is supposed to be. And to answer your question, it was both ways. He took me first, but I took him as well. It was mutual pleasuring. I'm sorry if this is too weird for you."

"Not weird, just unexpected. I... I took Angelus. It was partly why I was made. Angelus liked to be fucked, viciously. It was the one thing Darla and Dru couldn't give him."

"Did he ever...?"

"No! No, he didn't. I... No one ever, that is... until..."

"Oh. I understand. My first time was violent too. I was only ten years old."

"Fuck! Pet, I'm sorry. Who would do that to a child for fucks sake?"

"Monsters Spike. Soul having human monsters."

"Has there been any one else? Besides Nicky?"

"No. After I came home there was Anya. I was happy with her. Besides, the gang would never accept me being bisexual. If I'm not the skirt-chasing Zeppo they know and love then they assume I'm possessed. That and I haven't met any other guy that I wanted to have sex with."

"Oh. So you weren't hurt by this Nicky then?"

"No Spike. I wasn't hurt. It isn't supposed to hurt, not with someone who cares about you."

Pause.

"So... Can I see the piccies of you in costume then?"

Xander laughed and opened the envelope. He pulled out all the ones of himself in various get-ups and handed them to Spike. He threatened to dilute his blood with holy water if he told anyone about them. Spike promised to keep it a secret and then looked down at the first photo.

The picture was of Xander in a genie costume, very sheer and not much to it at all. The veil that covered his face couldn't hide the huge smile behind it. Spike chuckled and went on to the next one. This one had Xander dressed like a cop - badge, cuffs, nightstick and all. His shirt was wide open and his pants looked painted on. He was wearing mirrored sunglasses and a thick silver chain. He looked quite nice actually. The image brought forth the feeling of Xander’s soft lips on his neck the previous night. Spike shivered and moved on to the next picture.

Xander went into the kitchen and made some dinner while Spike looked at the pictures. He wasn't sure if he could be in the same room with Spike right now. Memories of Nicky so close to the surface, the pictures in the envelope on the coffee table. He was attracted to Spike, and the vampires vulnerability, and naiveté were only making him want him more. He wanted to be the one to teach Spike that rape and sex were not the same thing, to show him how good it could feel. To help him overcome the painful memories.

Spike had found a few pictures that made him snigger at Xander’s expense, the genie, the Indian chief, and the fireman coming to mind. The others however, were quite fetching. Aside from the policeman, there were the construction worker - hard hat, very short, very tight jean cut-offs, tool-belt and work boots. The cowboy - suede chaps, cowboy hat, g-string and a lasso, and his personal favourite, the biker. Xander in leather was a thing to behold. He was wearing a leather cap, vest, skin-tight leather shorts and boots. He was beautiful. The fact that Spike found him beautiful was both disturbing and intriguing.

Xander finished cooking dinner - microwave baked potatoes and steak sandwiches - and re-entered the living room. Spike was sitting on the sofa still looking at one of the pictures. Xander leaned over to see which one it was. The biker.

"Oh man, I remember that one. The leather was so tight it chafed. Never wore it again after that picture was taken."

"I know that feeling, tight leather looks good but it can be bloody uncomfortable."

"Here, I made dinner. The steak's rare."

"Thanks."

The two sat eating dinner and watching TV. After dinner Spike finally asked the question that had been on his mind for the past couple of days.

"Xander?"

"Yeah Spike?"

"Was it yer Da?"

"Yeah Spike."

"You want me to..."

"Can't. Chip remember? He may be a monster but technically he's still human."

"I could call in a favour."

"Nah, it's not worth it. I'm past it, he'll get his someday."

"You sure? I could have him turned, you could make it last days, weeks even."

"Tempting. I'll think about it. It was my uncle too, sometimes when they were drunk... they'd both..."

"Fuck pet. How the hell did you survive living in that house?"

"I stayed out of it as much as I could. I was more afraid of the monsters in the house than the ones lurking outside. Next to my father, Angelus didn't scare me at all. There was nothing he could have done beside kill me that I hadn't already been through, and sometimes I wished that he would."

"So that's why you were always putting your life in danger, fighting the bad guys?"

"Yeah. That and I figured if by some chance I was vamped I would likely kill my family before Buffy dusted me. It would be worth it you know. No conscience to tell me it was wrong."

The pair fell into a contemplative silence. Xander had just admitted things to Spike that he had never told anyone before. He felt relieved actually. It was nice to talk to someone who understood. Who would have thought that Spike would be the only person Xander felt close enough to confide in. It was strange, yet it made sense in a Hell mouthy way. This demon had shown more compassion than his friends had, had been through a similar experience, and understood the pain and humiliation. Besides, Xander figured it would help Spike to open up about what happened to him if he saw that Xander was willing to share his story first.

After the meal had been eaten, Xander took the dishes into the kitchen before heading for the shower. His back was still hurting and the hot water would help.

Spike sat staring at the television. He wasn't watching it however, he was thinking about Xander. About what Xander had told him. Xander had had a male lover. Xander had sex with another man. He had sex with another man and liked it. The entire concept was disturbing. On some level he knew that gay sex wasn't supposed to hurt. Otherwise why would so many men do that. He understood women being together, they were soft and sweet and had gentle touches - like the witches. But on a strictly emotional level he couldn't get past his own experiences to believe what Xander had told him. That it could be good, that it didn't hurt either partner. Sure he'd always cum when he took his Grandsire, but he was a demon, he was supposed to get off on others pain. The fact that he had never raped anyone in his entire existence did little to assure him of that fact however. If Angelus wasn't enjoying the rough treatment he was getting Spike wouldn't have enjoyed it either. That was one thing Spike was sure about, he always gave his partner what they wanted, what they needed. He was not a selfish lover.

What bothered him the most though was that Xander liked men that way, and they were sharing a bed. He knew that Xander would never hurt him but he wondered if Xander wanted him like that. Did he want to have sex with him? Would he throw Spike out if he didn't want to? Did this change anything? By the time Xander emerged from the shower Spike had worked himself into a tizzy. He didn't know what to make of this situation now.

Xander walked into the living room, took one look at the distraught vampire sulking on the sofa and mentally kicked himself. He never should have told him about Nicky. He had made things so much worse for Spike. He didn't know how to fix this but he had to try. He sat down beside Spike, not too close though, and waited for Spike to look over.

"I'm sorry."

"For what luv?"

"For telling you about Nicky, for making things weird between us, for giving you a reason to be scared of me, for making this worse on you? I don't know what your thinking right now, but I know it's my fault. So... Sorry."

"That obvious huh? I'm not scared of you Xan, just confused. I thought I had you figured out, you were the comic relief of team-slayer, the fetcher of do-nuts and chaser of women. Then I find out that there is so much more to you. You saved me, killed to protect me, took me in, cleaned me up and made me feel safe. I knew then that there was another side to you, one that no one else knew. I just never thought about you being gay - bisexual. I assumed you were as straight as they come. Now, I can't help but be confused. The way you hold me at night, the gentle touches... Do you want me?"

Xander was too stunned to answer right away, besides that what could he say? He did want Spike but to tell him that would undermine everything he had done for him He wanted to help him way more than he wanted to fuck him. Finally Xander answered.

"Yes and no, but more no than yes. I won't lie to you Spike, you are very attractive and under different circumstances, I probably would now that I'm getting to know the real you. But what happened to you was horrible, and I would never do anything to remind you of that. You are too messed up right now, so no, I don't. I just want to help you, be your friend, your support. If you can handle that I mean."

"So, you don't want to fuck me then?"

"Geez Spike, you almost sound disappointed. I won't hurt you, ever. Mind you, if you ever wanted to, you know, I wouldn't turn you away. Just know that the only thing I want from you is friendship, I want to help you, no strings, you don't owe me anything. Okay?"

"Okay. So I can still sleep with you?"

"Of course. I like having a personal cooling device."

That being settled, Spike and Xander sank into their nightly routine. They stopped by the Magic Box before heading out on patrol. The demon that Buffy had seen two nights ago turned out to be something of a problem. It was a Zhurk'thang, they only come out in the open if they are looking for a mate. And they will mate with just about anything that appeals to them. So the slayer and slayerettes split up into two teams, boys and girls. Giles accompanied Spike and Xander as he wanted to get a first hand look at this demon. They didn't have a very detailed account of it and anything he witnessed would be valuable information. Not knowing whether it was male or female both teams were on the lookout in case it decided one of them looked good.

After roaming the streets and cemeteries for the better part of an hour they found it. It was huge, maybe eight feet tall, looked like it weighed at least three hundred pounds, it was orange with green splotches all over it's scaly body and had three horns sticking out of its forehead.

"Hmm, I can see why it stays in hiding."

"Ugly bugger innit it?"

"Fascinating. It seems to be heading this way."

"Uh, G-man? Not good. How do we kill it again?"

"Uh... the centre horn must be removed and then you have to ah, puncture its eyes."

"With the horn?"

"No, anything will do. But you must remove the horn first."

The creature lumbered toward the three men, sniffing the air as it centred in on its prey. It had found it's mate. The other two were of no consequence.

Spike leapt out at the demon swinging his fists. He was instantaneously swept into an embrace by the ugly creature. He felt the thing lick the side of his face and he shuddered.

"It seems that it is female and has taken a liking to Spike."

"So I see."

"Oi! Xander, get this bugger off of me!"

Xander grinned, gripped his axe tightly and flew at the creature. He swung the axe down on the creatures arm, it reflexively let go of spike and turned on Xander. Perhaps it's chosen already had a mate? He would have to be dealt with then.

The demon grabbed Xander by the throat and threw him. It then turned back to it's intended mate and wrapped it's arms around him. The vampire squirmed and thrashed in it's embrace, but it was a useless gesture. The Zhurk'thang decided to initiate it's claim on him immediately.

Spike was trapped. He felt the things hand going for his belt and froze up. The memories of the rape springing to mind. At least this thing is female, he thought. Until he felt the large bulge digging into his abdomen. Just what he needed, a homosexual demon that wanted him for a mate. Spike screamed like there was no tomorrow. Because chances were, if this thing had it's way, there wouldn't be. He'd dust himself first.

Xander heard the scream and picked himself up off the ground. He ran back toward Spike and threw himself on the demons back.

"Giles! Axe!"

Giles retrieved the axe from where Xander had dropped it and handed it to him before backing away once again. He watched as Xander hacked at the demons face, finally severing the middle horn. He pulled the stake from his waistband and thrust it into the demons eye. The demon finally released the hollering vampire and stumbled about blindly. Xander struggled for a minute before finally thrusting the now slimy, and therefore extremely slippery, stake into the things other eye.

With the demon dead, Xander rushed to Spike's side and pulled him into his arms. Spike shook with silent tears as he was still caught up in memories. Xander soothed him until he calmed down. They both realized at the same time that Giles was there, and was watching them intently.

"Hey, G-man? I'm going to take Spike home. I'll catch up with you tomorrow. Be careful."

"Uh...very well then. Until tomorrow."

Xander held Spike close as they made their way back to the apartment. Once inside, Xander helped Spike to the sofa before heading to the kitchen. He pulled out one of the bottles of JD he had purchased the day before. Spike was going to need a drink. He brought that as well as a beer for himself into the living room.

He sat down beside Spike and offered him the bottle. Spike took it, opened it and drank a fourth of the liquid down in one go. He then turned to Xander, collapsed into his arms and cried. Xander held him and did his best to comfort him. It was all he could do.